[How to Talk About Unimaginable Grief: A Conversation with Susie Shaw]-[Ask Me About My Dead Son]

Modern Love · B2 · 2026-07-08

📋 Summary

Navigating the Unimaginable: A Guide to Supporting the Bereaved

In this episode of Modern Love, host Anna Martin sits down with Susie Shaw, a mother who experienced the sudden death of her nine-year-old son, William, during a family ski trip. The conversation serves as a poignant roadmap for how to interact with those navigating profound loss, challenging the societal norms that often lead people to avoid or silence those in grief.

The Problem with Traditional Condolences

Susie Shaw emphasizes that the standard gestures—sending flowers, buying a card, or offering a lasagna—while well-intentioned, often fall short of true support. More importantly, she highlights how the bereaved are frequently forced to comfort the people who should be supporting them. When Susie tells new people about William, she often finds herself saying, "well, you know I still have other living kids, or you know we found joy in our life," just to ease their discomfort. She describes the physical reaction of others—the "slight recoiling" and the way people "brace the table"—as a sign of their own fear, which ultimately isolates the grieving parent.

Leading with Curiosity: The Best Way to Support

Susie’s primary advice for supporting someone who has lost a child is to "ask me a question." Instead of avoiding the topic, she encourages people to be curious about the child who died. By asking, "What was his name? What was his favorite color? What did he like to do?" friends and acquaintances can validate the parent's desire to keep their child’s memory alive. Susie notes that as a bereaved parent, she wants to talk about her dead child just as much as her living children. She specifically praises friends who "showed up without asking me to do the job," such as those who dropped off their child for an extended playdate without waiting for an invitation, rather than asking the burdensome question, "what do you need?"

The Myth of 'Moving On'

Throughout the conversation, Susie challenges the concept of "moving on." She asserts that grief is a "lifelong endeavor" and that her experience with William is now a permanent part of her existence. She stresses the importance of using direct, honest language. She rejects euphemisms like "passed away," preferring to say, "my son died," because she refuses to "sugarcoat" the reality of her loss. She argues that dancing around the truth makes the experience abstract, whereas naming it for what it is—painful and real—allows for a more authentic human connection.

Redefining Parenting After Loss

Susie admits that she was a "type A" and "anxious" parent before William’s death, constantly worrying about safety and her image as a mother. After the tragedy, her perspective shifted dramatically. She realized that "the worrying didn't protect him or me from his death," leading her to adopt a more relaxed approach with her surviving son, Kai, and her younger son, Bodhi. She now prioritizes being present over maintaining a perfect, worry-free life.

Healing and Joy

Addressing the complex intersection of grief and happiness, Susie speaks candidly about the guilt she felt when she began to experience joy again, such as returning to figure skating or finding intimacy with her husband, Nick. She describes the process of learning to "hold both"—the deep, persistent sadness of William’s absence alongside the capacity for new joy. By the end of the conversation, Susie underscores that being "witnessed" is the greatest gift one can offer a grieving person. By being willing to stand in that uncomfortable space and listen to the stories of the life that was lost, we honor the person who died and offer the only true comfort available.

🎯Key Sentences

It's really hard to know what to say next.

I don't almost have the language for.

I'm going to be totally honest.

You're helping them out.

I think they're struggling for what to say.

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📝Key Phrases

hold back

throw someone a bone

struggle for what to say

at the top of one's game

jump to conclusions

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📖 Transcript

From the New York Times, I'm Anna Martin.

This is Modern Love.

Okay, when someone you know loses a loved one, you do all the things you're supposed to do.

You buy a card that says, sorry for your loss.

You send flowers.

You make them a lasagna, if you're good at making lasagna.

Or study on the web version →