These are my personal opinions.
Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well-being.
Welcome to the show.
I'm going to get right into today's topic.
I don't know where this is going to go.
We'll see.
Person wrote, Hey Paul, I've been a long time listener.
I really appreciate your perspective.
Actually, I know who wrote this.
She has been a long time listener.
Good to see you again.
I love when you end your podcast by saying, you are amazing.
Thank you.
I like that too.
The music starts and you feel very good.
I listen to that when I do the editing and it feels good to me too.
So it's been there for what?
Almost 12, 13 years now.
And you go on to say I have noticed that with some friends and family.
If I don't reach out to them, I don't hear from them.
But when I do call or text, they'll say things like, where have you been?
Or what's up?
You've been MIA.
Which makes me wonder, why didn't they reach out first?
It makes me feel like the effort is one-sided at times.
And I will admit it brings up some of my insecurities about being forgotten, not valued, etc.
I wonder, am I responsible for always reaching out to them?
What's the healthy way to look at this?
Should I accept being the one that reaches out more or is it fair to expect more of balance?
I certainly don't want to bring it up.
I don't want to bring it up.
I don't want to seem like I am needy.
Yeah, I hear you.
How do I not take this personally?
Thank you for your insight.
By the way, I want to hear another episode with you and Asha.
I am trying to get her on the show.
My wife Asha.
She's um brilliant and I love having her on the show but um, unless you heard that one or two episodes many, many years ago, you haven't heard her since.
But yeah she'll, I'm going to get her on the show.
As soon as she's free, I will definitely get her on the show.
All right.
Thank you for sharing that.
And, um, Yeah, I get that.
One thing I want to say is that I did talk about this not too long ago.
Well, I guess it's been a while, a year or two.
I did talk about this subject in an episode called it's episode 491, called When You Feel Like You're Not That Important to Your Friends and Family.
So that might be the episode that will help you through this somewhat.
And I
I decided not to listen to what I said in that episode and just see if what I say now is different.
I mean, you have time to think about things after you talk about them.
And I'm just going to address what you are asking me about and sharing.
Like.
The one thing that you started saying is that it will bring up your insecurities not feeling valued and being forgotten, a fear of being forgotten.
And so, yes, there's that.
And there's also relationship balance.
I believe in relationship balance.
When you have a balanced relationship.
That means that sometimes you call them, sometimes you text them, sometimes they call you, sometimes they text, sometimes you I don't know maybe email each other.
I don't know, but there's, Typical balance and a typical relationship.
And at the same time, I don't know if I shared this in that episode I was talking about, but at the same time I'm terrible.
I am terrible.
I'm terrible at calling people, emailing them, telling them that I missed them, saying hi, asking them how it's going because I haven't talked to them in a long time, mainly because I'm perfectly happy most of the time alone.
That doesn't mean I don't want to be married.
I love being married.
I love being with Asha 24-7.
I could do it easily.
And I love being alone.
So I can have an and-both there.
But friends and family, my mom calls me all the time.
I rarely call her.
It doesn't sound so nice.
It doesn't sound like I'm being the perfect son.
But because she calls me, I don't feel the need to call.
She keeps up when she keeps up.
Now, that's not the only reason I don't call.
The other reason I don't call is because sometimes she'll be in the middle of something and sometimes she goes to bed early.
That's I mean, those are excuses for sure, because I can call her anytime and she'll talk to me.
And I have and I do.
And there are some times that I don't, because it's so much easier for her to call when she's free than for me to call when I'm, when I'm free, because I'm usually free for her.
But sometimes she's not free for me.
And we just settled into this this system, this rhythm where she'll call me.
So that doesn't mean it's right or wrong.
It doesn't mean it's, you know, maybe it's not balanced to some people out there.
Some people will say, I call my mom every other day, but it's just the way I was brought up.
It's just the way my entire family is.
It's funny because my wife said that, why don't you call your sister?
Why don't you call her and ask her how she's doing?
You haven't talked to her in a long time.
And I said, well, you know, I sent her a message on Facebook or whatever.
She goes, you're not even going to call her and talk to her.
I said, this is how my family is.
We just reach out every now and then.
Maybe a couple of years go by and suddenly we're talking to each other again.
But then we move on.
It's very strange.
And I have a feeling.
I mean I'm saying it's strange that As I think about this, as I think about how other people connect and stay connected with each other, I think about myself.
I think about my father.
When he was alive, he never called me.
It would be a year or two or five.
And then I'd hear from him out of the blue.
And then suddenly we're talking again.
And then there was a period of 10 years where we just weren't talking at all.
And then the next time I heard was my brother calling me saying that, hey, dad's in the hospital.
Yes, I got to go.
I flew down there and I found out that he had cancer and that he didn't have much longer to live.
So there are some missing time there that I wish I had.
I wish I could have changed, but I didn't.
It's just, again, the way I'm wired.
And I do think about that with my mom.
I do think about that with my siblings.
And so there's the way we're wired that plays into how we connect, when we connect.
And it just doesn't come to mind.
Not that I don't miss them.
Not that, I mean, in general, some people may not miss the other person, but love talking to them.
I miss my mom and I love talking to her, but I don't think about her all the time.
And I'm always busy.
I'm doing something.
And when I'm not busy, I'm enjoying my free time and I don't think about it too much.
And then sometimes we talk and there's really nothing to talk about.
Well, Paul, why don't you just connect to connect?
Why don't you just connect to say it's great to hear your voice?
I don't think my mom or myself are wired that way.
I mean, she used to be.
She used to love hearing from me, but now she's in a relationship and I haven't heard from her much at all.
Once a month, maybe we'll talk to each other.
And that's tough because if she ends up in the hospital or dies, then there's going to be a lot of lost, missing time.
And maybe talking about this changes my mind about that.
Maybe I should call her more.
But again, coming back to some people are wired differently.
And I know there are people that are listening now that relate to this.
I know there are people listening right now that say yeah, I never call, even though I could or should or would if there were circumstances that called for that.
But I don't.
I don't keep in touch.
So I was saying it's kind of weird because My entire family, just about everyone in my family, they're all introverts.
Let's see, I've got one, two, three, four, five siblings.
They have children.
Except for one, maybe.
One is quite the extrovert.
But the introversion comes, and this is just my analysis, my armchair analysis.
The introversion comes from the toxicity, the dysfunction, the environment that we grew up in my stepfather, a couple of my siblings' father and a couple other siblings' stepfather and myself.
We had somebody that was very toxic, He was an alcoholic.
He was abusive.
And he was worse to others than myself.
He was worse to my mom.
I mean, he was just an awful, awful person to be around.
So we all just sank into our shells.
We all just put ourselves inside.
And that, I believe, again, this is my analysis, that I believe created introversion in all of us.
Like it was better to be silent, not to say too much, keep to ourselves.
And that became our safe place.
So I believe our introversion makes us feel safer, keeps us grounded, keeps us happy.
And I also believe that our connection with the outside world, with friends and family and is limited because of the way we're wired or conditioned, how we were brought up in that environment and of course you know, a lot of us are born with different propensities to do different things and our DNA and our genes I'm sure it's all a part of how we're made.
Oh, I know it's all a part of how we're made up, but that that conditioning, that exposure to that environment really wired us all very similarly.
And so I would say that most of us, if not all of us, don't reach out.
And when somebody reaches out to us, it's always a pleasure.
So this could be the situation that this person is talking about.
I don't know.
But it does or can help to understand that some people are wired differently.
And even though they're not reaching out, it doesn't mean they don't care.
Now, do they care?
I don't know.
But if they're happy to hear from you and the conversation goes on and there's no awkward silence, then it is probably an authentic relationship.
It's just that the other person isn't wired to reach out, or they're busy, or they have 10000 kids they have to deal with at home.
A number of things that might cause somebody to be in that state all the time, where they aren't the ones reaching out.
So again, that could be what you're dealing with here.
Because what you described doesn't sound like somebody who doesn't want to hear from you.
It just sounds like somebody who isn't wired like you.
That's how I see it.
That's how I look at it.
I could be wrong.
Maybe nobody wants to talk to me and that's why they don't call.
At the same time, I don't give out my phone number.
I mean, my family has my phone number.
But like for friends, I think only one or two people have my phone number.
Old high school friends that I think they're introverts too.
Because anytime I hear from them, it's just a text.
It's never a call.
In fact, I haven't heard from one at all for a long time.
And so, coming back to your insecurities person who reached out and wrote this stuff, I get it because I used to have a fear of abandonment.
I used to have a fear of not being liked and that would cause me to compensate for that by being a people pleaser, trying to accommodate and just trying to be overly friendly, and It just didn't work, because they can be very much dysfunctional in a relationship.
What ends up happening is that if you try to compensate, then people might not want to be around you.
This is another angle of that.
If you do have a fear of not being liked or not feeling important or being left, and that energy comes out of you when you're talking.
Like you're saying, I really, really miss you.
I really want to see you.
Not that that's a bad thing to say, but if it's like that a lot and it feels very needy, it could feel like to them it could feel like a pull, like an uncomfortable pull, like someone pulling you towards something that you don't want to do.
Even though, come on, come on, it'll be fun.
It'll be fun.
And they're pulling you and they're pulling you.
You just don't want to do it.
You're not comfortable doing it.
And you finally give in and you deal with it, whatever it is.
And then you're like, okay, I don't want to do that again.
You're thinking to your, or that person is thinking to themselves.
And so I'm not going to try to connect with that person too much because I'll feel that pull.
And then I'll feel bad because I really do like them or I love them.
And I don't want to be pulled into something that I don't want to do, or I don't want to feel that way, so I'll pull back.
And when I pull back that means I may not contact you as much, because I don't want to have to deal with that kind of or deal with those feelings and the thoughts that I have, because I really appreciate you and I love you and I want to spend time with you, but I just don't want to feel like Like you're trying to draw me into something that we can't just have a normal, healthy conversation about.
I'm not saying this person is that way at all.
That may not be happening at all.
I'm just bringing it up just in case.
There's any type of needy pull that you might put on someone.
And when that energy is there, it is felt.
And if somebody doesn't want it or feels uncomfortable with it, they may be a little distant.
That can happen too.
So if you have insecurities and you do keep in touch with people and they never keep in touch with you, it's good to check in with yourself and ask if you are creating that needy pull.
And how do you figure that out?
Some of this stuff is unconscious.
I know someone who, every time this person calls a relative of theirs, The relative says over and over again I've missed you so much.
Over and over again.
I've missed you so much.
It's so good to hear from you.
I've missed you.
I've missed you.
And the person who is on the other end of that, the person I know, they say, yeah, okay.
Or they don't say it out loud, but they're thinking in their head yeah okay, can we get past this part?
Because I just want to have a normal conversation with you.
I want to have a happy, fun, gossipy conversation.
Let's just talk.
That's, again, that's what they're thinking.
And I only say that because I know what they're thinking because we talked about it.
And so that's what happens is that this person calls this other person.
I'm trying to keep their privacy here.
And this other person's like, oh, it's so great to hear from you.
I love you so much.
And it's uncomfortable.
So it makes this person uncomfortable when they call this other person.
And that's what I mean.
Is that because it makes this person uncomfortable to call?
They don't call, or at least not often?
And sometimes the conversation goes on way too long.
So that's another thing that the other person likes to keep my friend, I'll just say, on the phone.
This other person likes to keep my friend on the phone and my friend doesn't want to have these very, very long conversations, especially about not so interesting things.
So that is also another reason that somebody might not want to call.
Again may not be this person's issue, but it is good to um.
This is what I told my wife once.
I said it's good to read the room.
Read the room means try to stay conscious of the other person's interest, the other person's fascination or curiosity, or just make sure you still have rapport.
And, um, It happened one night when we were having friends over a few years ago.
And I think I told this story before, but we were all playing a game on the TV.
And we played through once and it was okay.
It wasn't that fun.
And so I'm ready to shut it off.
And I'm looking around and people are kind of bored.
They're not really having much fun.
But my wife was really into it.
And she goes, okay, good.
Let's play the next round or something.
And I said, no, no, no, no, no, let's not do that.
And, and she goes, what do you, what do you mean?
And I said, really quiet, just read the room.
It's really not something that is interesting to a lot of people.
So let's just move on to do something else.
And she looked around and and you know she wasn't like in the spotlight and everyone's staring at her.
But I told her, while everyone was talking and not paying attention to us, I said yeah, I don't think anybody's very interested in this.
And so she said, I'm so glad you said that.
I mean, this is years later.
I'm so glad that you said that to me that day because I was just absorbed in the activity.
And when you said read the room, I've never forgotten it since.
Read the room, meaning just look around.
Is anyone interested or are you the only one?
Because she can get self absorbed.
She has ADD and she is now seeing that in others.
She is now seeing other people get so self absorbed.
And I don't mean that in a negative way.
I just mean, hey, I'm happy and I'm doing my thing and nothing else matters.
This is my world.
And not that I don't care about you, but this is what's happening with me.
And so it's all about just being in your own mind, in your own space.
And if you aren't paying attention outside yourself, you'll miss these clues.
This is something I had to work on.
I had to practice in myself.
I was fairly good at it anyway, because you know, as the introvert in a toxic household growing up, you get very astute in your observations of others.
I became very astute in every single micro movement and micro look and the tone and the tonality of my stepfather's voice and where it was going and what's going to happen next.
I just watched it, listened and paid attention all the time.
So I got really good at that as a child, but then I practiced it when I got older and I started coaching people one-on-one and it was a very, very helpful technique.
And it's just basically not being in your own stuff and being observant of someone else's reality and what they're experiencing.
And that has helped me as a people helper, a coach, a guy to help others that might be in a bad situation or
They're feeling bad and they want to feel better, so it is helpful to know where they are and pay attention to what's going on with them their body language, their tonality, their inflections, just the way they sit, and all that.
I'm not saying that, hey, they crossed their arms and now they're being defensive.
Some people cross their arms because they want to relax.
It's more than just body language.
It's everything put together. so that one can help somebody through it.
Because if somebody's sad or talking about their stuff, I'm not going to come at them with a lot of high energy.
I'm not going to say, hey, it's great to see you again.
Oh, why are you so down?
I'm probably going to say, hey, what's going on?
That's asking the same question in a different way.
That's not so, hey, look at me.
I'm way up here and you're way down there.
I hope we can meet in the middle.
I just want to meet them where they are.
And that's how I read the room.
I just read them.
And that's how I connect with people.
And that's what I'm talking about.
I mean, the whole point of what I'm saying here is that moment when I told Asha read the room.
She got it.
She put the pieces together right away and realized oh yeah, that's right, because I can sometimes be stuck in my own head and enjoying myself.
And again, not bad things.
But other people may not be in that same space.
So this could also be something that this person is experiencing.
Now, I did. again, have that episode that I talked about earlier.
And I hope that I'm not repeating myself.
A lot of the things I said, I probably should have listened to it.
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Let's get into a couple of the other things that this person wrote.
She said, it brings up my insecurities about being forgotten.
So what is that about, being forgotten?
It's interesting.
My wife had a very similar thought.
She's thought this before.
Throughout her life, people have forgotten to include her in photos.
People have eaten without her.
And over and over again.
This happened with important people in her life and she just felt left out every time.
And I don't know what that's about.
I don't know why this kept happening to her and she doesn't know why.
So this is something that she has worked on because she doesn't want to ever feel that way.
She doesn't want to feel like nobody loves her or she's being left out or forgotten.
So what she has done at least from my perspective, what she has done was make something of herself so that she shines brighter than other people.
I mean, these are my words, not hers.
But I see her trying to do something with her life and make something of herself something big, something important.
And she has succeeded in that already.
And she's still trying to succeed at that.
But not so much to fill a void or compensate for some insecurity or anything like that.
What she's doing is she realizes what she needs.
Again, this is my opinion.
She realized what she needs more of.
And when you feel alone or forgotten, then what one might do is appear larger than life so that nobody could ever forget you.
That is one way to approach these insecurities is that you show up in the world as somebody, in this case, unforgettable.
What does that mean?
That means something different to everyone.
If I were to deal with this right now, if I felt like I had a fear of being forgotten or left behind, I would want to ask myself the following question.
What's the problem with that?
I would ask myself a question like that.
Why is that or how is that a problem for me?
If somebody leaves me behind, if I am forgotten, how is that a problem?
You're going to get these answers like, well, I don't want to be forgotten.
I don't want to feel like nobody cares about me.
Okay, that's a different approach here.
It's not necessarily about being forgotten.
It might be about being cared for.
What does that mean?
Somebody might say, well, if I'm not cared for, then I'm not loved.
And then I would ask the question, well, how is it a problem not being loved?
I mean, these are tough questions that have what I call stupid answers that lead to healing.
But these stupid answers are important.
Who doesn't want to be loved is the stupid answer.
I put quotes around that.
And it's a real answer and it's a good answer, but it's not the answer that comes from you.
That's a generalization.
Well, everybody wants to feel loved.
Nobody wants to be forgotten.
So we can't generalize when we answer these questions about ourselves.
So if I ask myself the question, well, Paul, how is it a problem to be or to feel unloved?
And as you ask yourself these, what I like to call drill down questions, as you ask yourself these drill down questions, you're going to dive underneath the generalizations.
You're going to dive into something deeper inside you.
Well, I don't want to feel unloved.
Why not?
Well, if I'm unloved, that means I'm alone.
How is it a problem to be alone?
Well, I don't want to be alone.
Yes, but why?
Well, I like being with people.
I like being loved.
Well, what if you're not?
And I'm not saying there are easy answers or verbal answers that you can give to these, but there are answers underneath what we usually come up with.
So if you say, well, if I'm unloved, that means I'll be unhappy.
Okay, how is it a problem to be unhappy?
What we're doing is loosening the grip, the tight grip that we have on the definitions of all these things like love and happiness.
And we're trying to figure out what makes them up.
What are the components of happiness?
And what does happiness or what does love or whatever it is for you, what does it do for you?
And without it, what does it do to you?
And when you break it down by asking the questions of Like well, how is it a problem if you're not loved?
How is it a problem if you're alone?
And when you sit with and reflect on these questions, when you think about them and when you feel them and when you ask yourself well, how is it a problem if I'm forgotten?
What would happen?
There's a follow-up question.
What would happen if I was forgotten?
What would happen to me if I was forgotten?
Well, I would X, Y, Z, whatever that is.
The goal is to get away from the generalizations and dive into the insecurity.
You dive into the insecurity by finding out what's underneath and what's driving it.
For example, a fear of abandonment.
That's what I used to feel.
Fear of abandonment.
And when I was younger, that fear of abandonment led to jealousy clinginess, neediness and people pleasing.
That's that pull that I caused on others.
I know that my behaviors and my insecurities caused a pull on others, especially romantic partners.
They didn't like it.
They wanted their autonomy and their independence.
They didn't want me around all the time.
When I was that way, it was to compensate for what I feared.
And so we can become dysfunctional when we're trying to compensate for our insecurities.
And that can turn into all kinds of behaviors.
But when we try to compensate it can show to others and others may not like to be around the behaviors that we have.
And again, I'm not saying that this person is dealing with this.
I'm just telling you how to dive into those insecurities so that you can deal with them and process them and maybe even heal them.
For me, it was like, okay, why am I so jealous?
That's what I started to ask myself, because I would be so possessive and jealous when I was in my 20s that my partner, my girlfriend, couldn't even feel like she could talk to somebody else of the opposite sex.
I wasn't like terrible.
I wasn't like outwardly jealous.
I actually was able to get a grip on that later on in that same relationship.
But right when that relationship started, and especially before that relationship, when I was in a different relationship, my possessiveness and my jealousy were much stronger.
And so, in this relationship that I'm talking about, when I was in my twenties, I realized I had jealousy and I wanted to not feel jealous.
I wanted to feel something different.
I wanted to feel secure inside myself because I didn't like that feeling and it was causing issues in the relationship.
So I did ask myself, why am I jealous?
Well, because if she finds somebody else that's stronger rich handsome, all that, if she finds somebody like that, then of course I should be worried.
And then I had to figure out how to stop being jealous.
And in order to do that, I had to come up with a reality that worked.
And sometimes we have to do that.
Sometimes we have to come up with a reality, even if we have to make it up.
What do I mean by that?
For jealousy and for what I was dealing with.
I said well, if that were true, if she found somebody that was better looking and stronger and rich and all that stuff yeah, that would be terrible, Paul.
I don't want that to happen.
Okay, so what is the reality?
Even if you have to make it up, what reality is going to work for you?
What reality is going to serve you?
And so I said, well, the reality is that that hasn't happened.
Okay, so my today brain can say, so you were just anxious.
You had anxiety about something that may or may not happen.
I think back to when i was in my 20s and i remember yeah, that's exactly what was happening.
I was always worried about something that might happen, even though it never did, and i had no reference of it ever happening except, of course, the deeper stuff.
When you're, when we're children, what did we experience?
What kind of trauma?
Or maybe what i experienced was neglect, and that neglect and i mean not intentional neglect, but I couldn't get the love I wanted from my mom and I couldn't get the fatherly love from my stepfather because he was drinking or whatever.
And so I couldn't get my needs met.
And so when I grew up and now I have adult relationships I'm trying to get my needs met from these people in my life that don't want to be my parents.
They want to be my partner.
They want to be my equal.
So I can't pull on them.
I can't draw from them.
And so I needed to understand what reality was and that what meant just either making it up or just convincing myself that the truth is this and not that.
And again, one of the things I said was, is that happening?
Is what I'm worried about happening, happening?
And the first answer is, well, no, but it could happen.
And so then I have to make up the reality.
Okay, let's just say that it could, but it's not.
So we can at least look at the present moment and realize, okay, it's not happening.
And then the reality creation process, I guess.
I look at what I want the reality for. to really be, which is this person is with me.
She is choosing to be with me.
She can be with anyone she wants.
You know, that was in my head back then.
She can be with anyone she wants and she could leave at any time, yet she hasn't and she doesn't choose anyone else.
She chooses me day after day after day.
So...
What are you jealous about?
Because she comes home to you.
She wants to be with you.
You are intimate with her.
She is intimate with you.
You are connected to her.
What are you jealous about?
Well, you know, if she talks to somebody else, but that's not happening.
So what reality do you want?
What reality do you want, Paul?
And that's the question I asked myself.
And I finally understood.
I finally realized.
That the reality that I was afraid of was something that I was making up.
That sure could happen, but life sucks when you think about what could happen and it's negative.
Oh, yeah, that could happen.
I could get into an accident, so I better not drive my car.
I don't want to think that way.
I just want to enjoy what I have today.
And that set me straight, at least with jealousy and possessiveness.
It set me straight, with those two insecurities, to realize that she's exposed to other people that are stronger and are good looking and have money and all that stuff.
And she hasn't gone with them.
She hasn't left me for them.
And this changed me.
It changed how I felt.
It made me more secure, the opposite of insecure.
It made me more secure in myself.
And because it was the opposite of insecurity, the security I had in myself, or my self-confidence because that was now stronger, made me just throw this out there, made me more attractive to her.
It made me more attractive to her because now she didn't see this scared little child all the time.
And this needy pulling at her beltline saying, give me some love.
Give me some comfort.
I wasn't there anymore.
It changed.
It changed our relationship for the better.
Because I was able to make up for my insecurities by becoming more secure in myself.
And in order to do that, I needed to see reality for what it was.
And if I couldn't, make it up.
And making that reality up was basically the same thing as reality.
And it became my new reality.
Because something else I realized at that moment was am I going to be afraid of every tomorrow or am I going to enjoy what I have right now?
Because if I'm not enjoying, or at least present with the stuff going on in my life right now, the place I'm in, the person I'm with, if I'm not in those moments, with the people that are in my life, then I am missing those moments.
I am purposefully taking time away from that quality time that I could have with the people in my life.
That was such an important lesson to me.
To know that I was taking time away from my important relationships, the ones that meant the most to me, by always thinking about what could happen tomorrow.
And so, when it's not happening, it's not happening.
It's not present.
That's one of the ways that I was able to turn my insecurities, or at least those two insecurities, around.
So to the person who wrote if you are dealing with these insecurities, when you get through them, they're going to change your relationships.
And again for clarity, I'm not saying that you're doing anything to harm the relationship, or showing up in a way that feels needy or pulling on them at all, because it sounds like they're pretty healthy relationships and they just could be wired not to call you.
It could be just as simple as that.
But because you mentioned the insecurities, I think it's important to at least talk about them and at least mention that if there is a disconnect and they don't want to call because of that, this could be something that you might be able to resolve or at least work on in yourself.
That could change those relationships automatically, if that's the case.
Now to your other question, am I responsible for always reaching out?
Are you responsible?
You don't have to.
Do you want to?
That's the answer.
When I think about this, it's not that I'm responsible or not.
It's just, hey, I want to talk to my mom.
I'm going to call her.
If you want to talk to your friend, call your friend.
That's you reaching out.
What's the worst that can happen?
They answer and go, I don't want to talk to you anymore.
If that happens, then there's the definition of the friendship right there.
It's not really a friendship at all.
But if you feel like calling, you should call.
That's how I think you should think about this.
When you want to talk, you can talk to them.
If you're always thinking, well, why aren't they calling me?
Then you're not really in the relationship anymore.
You're in your thoughts, you're in your head.
And because you're in your head, you might be feeling these insecurities, or you are feeling these insecurities coming up and it will probably leak or bleed into the conversation in some way.
So that can happen as well.
So you might call thinking, okay, I hope they say, I'm sorry, I haven't called for so long.
I hope they say that.
So I'm going to keep that in my mind.
I'm just waiting for that to come out of them.
I'm just waiting and waiting and waiting.
It affects your conversation.
It affects the energy, the mood, and how you feel.
And when you put all that into the conversation, it can change the conversation.
And guess what?
It can feel like that pull I'm talking about.
And I understand if you're thinking, but they never call me.
That may be the case.
And you may have to redefine the relationship as I'm the one who reaches out and that's okay.
You may have to come to an acceptance with that, because if you do enjoy the conversations you have with them and they don't seem like put off or bothered by your call and they actually invest in the conversation and they're very interested in your life and they share things and they want to know about what's happening with you, then that tells me that it's still a healthy relationship.
And just because they don't call doesn't mean they don't care.
I hope I wrapped all this in a nice bow at the end here, but those are my thoughts.
Those are my opinions.
Those are my insights.
I hope they help.
And thank you for writing.
Good luck with this.
Again, tune into that other episode, number 491, when you feel like you're not that important to your friends and family.
Thanks again.
And thanks for listening to another episode of The Overwhelmed Brain.
I want to thank the patrons of the week, Crystal and Wei and Angel and Shannon.
Shannon rejoined.
Thank you for coming back.
Welcome back.
I knew I recognized the name.
I saw you.
And I said, I know that name.
Wait a minute.
Shannon came back and became a monthly contributor.
Thank you, Shannon.
Whatever I said to deserve that, let me know so that I can say it more often.
And I have a, or I had a surprise happen.
It just, it was a shock.
Actually, I received a donation from Allie.
And her donation just blew me away because it was unexpected.
It was more than I'm used to.
It is not something I'm used to seeing.
And I just couldn't believe it.
I mean anyone that gives to this show.
I still can't believe they listen to a free podcast, give money, but they do so.
It always surprises me, it humbles me and it makes me so grateful.
And Ellie wrote you helped me to change my life and to bring myself into safety and she said thank you.
I think that you and your work is amazing.
I mean, that really hits me hard.
And I'm so grateful.
Thank you, Ellie, for that.
Here is your shout out.
I wanted to give you that shout out.
And I am so grateful to you.
Thank you again.
And I am so glad that you are in a safer place.
You shared some stuff with me in a separate message.
You told me some of the stuff that you went through.
And I am just so happy that you are out of that unsafe place again.
Because you and everyone listening now don't deserve to feel unsafe.
You don't deserve to feel unworthy, unloved, uncared for.
All those fears and insecurities that I was talking about earlier, no one deserves that.
Unless you're just an awful person.
But awful people don't listen to this show because they wouldn't want to improve themselves.
Awful people don't want to improve themselves.
That's my hard line.
They don't want to improve themselves.
So they don't listen to shows like this where you come to improve yourself.
You want to approach challenges with emotional intelligence and do the best you can for yourself and for others and not be a toxic person and not be emotionally abusive.
You listen to things like this.
You read things like this.
You try to do good in the world by being good in yourself.
Be the change that you, you know, all that Gandhi stuff.
We know what it takes.
And some people don't follow it.
Some people don't even look inward.
They don't look inward.
They don't reflect on their own behaviors.
They're the ones who think, I don't need to change.
Everyone else has a problem.
If you think that everyone else is a problem, then you are probably not listening to this show, because most people who listen to this show say and think that if my life is going to change, I might need to make a change in myself.
I'm not saying you have to.
I'm saying that sometimes it does come down to that thought process.
If there's going to be a change in my life, I'm the one who needs to make it.
It's very similar to some of the stuff I talked about earlier, like my wife where she said I don't want to be left behind.
I don't want to be forgotten.
I don't want to be missed.
So I'm going to show up larger than life.
I don't want to hide in the shadows.
I'm going to create something that is bigger than myself and just put myself out there.
And she has done that and she continues to do that.
And I am hella proud of her.
You are my sunshine.
And I'm just saying that you deserve to feel good in yourself.
You deserve to know you deserve to be treated right.
And you deserve happiness.
And you deserve to be successful in whatever you're doing.
You deserve it.
And, you know, I say this at the end of every show.
I know this to be absolutely true, that you are amazing.
I'll say it later.
But I say I know it's true, because you wouldn't be here listening to a show like this if you didn't deserve to feel worthy and happy and loved.
Because you are trying to show up as a better version of yourself probably all the time.
You're trying to show up as the most healthy, wonderful person that you are.
And you're always trying to improve on that or at least making sure that you don't mess it up.
And as long as you're doing that, you're doing your part.
And that means you deserve the good stuff.
You deserve to be treated right.
You deserve success in everything that you do.
That is the reality.
Now let me tell you about a few things.
I'm going to start with something you've never heard me say ever.
This is not an ad.
This is something I built.
I built this thing from scratch because it was driving me crazy.
Using a browser with all those dull gray tabs at the top drove me crazy.
I am a color person.
I'm a visual person.
So I built an extension, a free extension called Rainbow Tab Organizer.
Go to rainbowtab.com if you want to try it out, if you want to play with it and see what you think.
It has changed my life.
I love it.
I use it all the time and that's why I built it, because my brain was overwhelmed with all these tabs that I couldn't sort and I couldn't color.
And now I can.
Again, rainbow tab.com.
I know weird to promote an extension on this show, but uh, it's my extension and it helps with my overwhelmed brain.
Maybe it'll help with yours.
So there's that.
And then my other podcast called Love and Abuse over at loveandabuse.com.
That's where I help you deal with difficult relationships like emotionally abusive, controlling and manipulative relationships.
You don't want to deal with that.
And if you don't know how to deal with that, I talk about that more over there.
And if you are the difficult one in the relationship, I created something else called healed being.
It took me about a year and a half to create that.
But a lot of people are healing from being emotionally abusive and controlling and manipulative.
Everything I just said over in that very robust, very comprehensive program.
Easy to follow, hard to apply in your life, but when you do, you change.
And people around you want to be near you instead of distance themselves from you.
So if you are that person or you're familiar with somebody who might need that, healedbeingcom is the website.
You can check that out.
Alright, nomore.coms, I'm going to remind you to always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions.
And be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
Always take steps to grow and evolve.
You are powerful beyond measure.
And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you without a doubt, You are amazing.
