A lot of my motivation was I wanted to not be where I was.
So a lot of the things that I did.
I had convinced myself that if I am the best at everything I do, I can change my situation.
I can have something bigger.
I can have more.
I can do more things.
And he doesn't have that.
A couple years ago one of my kids was playing a lot of baseball and started the season and came back and said to me a couple kids in my team have gotten really good over the summer.
I think I'm going to be moving down in the batting order.
I panicked.
If this was me at that age, what I would have said to my parents is something very different.
Oh my goodness, I'm not good at baseball anymore.
I need to practice.
I need to go to the gym.
I even need like a lesson or I need you to spend time with me.
I would have been livid.
And in this moment, so much flashed in front of me.
It also made me think about academic moments, thinking my kid could do better, do more with their talents.
And what is my role if they're not pushing themselves?
Or maybe is my kid not pushing themselves because I have always pushed them and they kind of have lost that intrinsic motivation.
What is my role around my kid's potential?
My leak is here again and we're going to have another episode of Is It True?
And what we're going to unpack today is this idea.
If I don't push my kid, my kid is going to waste their potential.
Is it true?
I'm Dr. Becky and this is Good Inside.
I'm so glad you're here.
All right, Miley, have you had that thought?
If I don't push my kid, my kid is going to waste their potential.
Absolutely.
I have... I'm in the middle of a parent situation where...
My kid does very well in school.
And every week the work comes home and I'm watching one subject kind of just go down further.
And I'm just, what is my role here?
I feel like I've tried everything.
I've talked to him.
We need the highlighters.
We're now at an age where you need to start reading the caption under the pictures.
And he does not seem to care.
And I just wonder, how much do I push him Will he get it at some point?
And my situation was that I was always really good in school and no one pushed me.
And so I wonder what would have happened if someone did.
And so I'm trying to find like, what is the dance that I do?
I was highly competitive.
Mm hmm.
I wanted to beat everybody.
So I'm always looking at.
You know how everyone else is doing and I'm wanting to be at the top of.
I want to be in first.
I want all the stars.
I want my name at the top of the chalkboard and just having a kid who's like, I mean, it's fine.
Yeah.
This is not a big deal.
Like, I'll get it or not.
And this almost like school is not a measure of who I am.
I know who I am.
And they this does this work doesn't. measure that for me.
I think that's exactly right.
So you had a report card moment, an incident.
So let's just zero in on that moment, whether it's perfectly representative of this topic or not.
Let's just go there so we can really envision it.
So the report card comes home and it's straight A's.
And there's one part of me that's like very proud, very like, yeah, mom.
And then, but there's the one, this one subject that I feel like I have been talking about, that is the lowest A And I Becky, I sat there like going back and forth, like Can I be proud or should I have a problem?
Because I have been talking about this and now this is exactly what I said was going to happen.
And this is, I mean, the next report card, it probably is not going to be an A. And...
I mean, I sat there for a while until I hopped in the community and I'm like someone talk me off the cliff.
Because why?
Will I always have an issue?
Will this always be a problem for me?
It doesn't matter what the grades are.
In my mind, I want to believe I'm not that parent.
In my mind, I want to believe that the report card comes home and I'm like...
Gave his greatest effort.
This doesn't show who he is.
In my mind, I'm an evolved parent.
I'm not.
I love that parent.
I don't know her, but she seems wonderful.
She's just the report card.
The report card comes and nothing fazes her.
She's like...
This doesn't define who he is.
I know my child, but there was something in me that's like, we gotta push.
Yeah.
We gotta push.
You can do better than this.
I know you can.
Well, you know, let me go down a little bit of rabbit hole that you went past.
I know he's doing his best, but is that actually where the pivot point is?
There's still everything it brings up in us and how we intervene.
But true question were you sure he's doing his best?
Or with that subject, are you like, actually, no.
Like, I just don't think he's putting effort.
Which one is it?
I know he's not.
He's not.
I know.
I felt like I know he isn't because I know how well he reads.
It's just.
It's a situation where he's kind of like we've ever since he started reading.
He's like this is how I think the story should go.
And I'm like, they're not this is school is measuring.
Do you understand what's being written?
Not what is your what you think should be written?
So I know he knows what is happening, but just I feel like he's making the choice every time.
But that's not what I want to do.
So if I just zoom out for a second, because I think effort here, when we think about our kids' potential, there's.
Their natural abilities.
Right.
Right.
That they have.
And you see a kid have certain temperament or be interested in certain topics and interests.
And then there's effort.
Right.
And I think, I think where a lot of us get triggered is when we see a kid with our kid, with what we deem to be high ability.
Yes.
Or at least they're capable.
Right.
With low effort.
Yes.
And I don't know about for you.
I think one of the reasons it triggers me is I think a lot and I'm just going to talk about it academically
I feel like you have to only be like yay smart in terms of your ability to do well in life.
Yeah.
And what ends up mattering a lot more is your effort, is your willingness to take on challenges, is your openness to feedback.
Early on for kids, what can really shine is just pure ability.
You all see those kids, you're like, wow, you're reading at age three.
You're naturally doing math.
And those kids get a lot of feedback and they can build their identity.
I'm such a smart kid.
They build their identity.
Oh, this kid's already reading in class.
You know those things happen and they hear it and they hear it.
And I know, for me, one of the things that can trigger me in these situations around potential are oh, like something's happened, where you're starting to rely on your ability.
Yes.
And I know in life those kids who are more pure effort They're going to, they are going to pass you by.
Yes.
When did that happen?
They they are going to eat or they're going to come for you.
They are going to eat your lunch because you're just out here.
La la la.
I know I can do it.
And the kid who's working harder, the kid who's maybe having to, who's getting lower grades but is pushing themselves and is trying hard.
And every week they're coming back to it.
And you're just like, yeah.
Yeah.
I'm fine.
And I think this is particularly true.
And I know your son.
Kids who have kind of some early abilities.
Right.
Every kid develops a different pace.
But there are some kids like that.
They are the kids.
I.
I quote, worry about saying the kids who are later readers and are able to stick with it.
And you know, I think about one of my kids who had all of these early speech issues like major speech issues and had to really work through things.
And I'm like.
That kid early in that child's body, the circuit of I'm not figuring this out.
I have to work and try extra and push and push.
That is going to set that child up in such a different way than like the kids whose first five, six years are kind of up and to the right.
Yes, I feel the same way.
I have another kid who I feel has a special relationship with failure, like who's just used to not getting it right the first, second or third time.
And I just feel like, What that builds in you when you're like, OK, I didn't get it right this time.
I'm going to try another way.
I'm going to try again.
And I'm like I can see her going down the line of like not maybe getting the job the first time you know she goes for an interview doesn't get it.
She's going to work harder.
I mean, what's she going to do after?
What will she do?
Because she's used to hearing, no, that's not right.
Or you didn't get it.
And I just, I'm like, I do worry.
I worry about the kid who doesn't have enough experience with, And I do think that's underneath this what's my role around my kids' potential.
So let's kind of come back to that.
Because the other thing I want to separate, and maybe we can zoom in on the report card thing.
Okay, so the report card moment comes.
If we had buckets, and one bucket is... what part of my reaction is like about me?
What is my portion?
Okay.
And we don't have to be ashamed of all of it.
We're just bucketing it.
And the other bucket is like, what is a true concern about something happening with my son?
So let's start with you.
What part of the reaction do you kind of know It's just... It's my own story.
It's my own... My own story is...
Honestly, I had to do so much on my own.
And here it is.
I'm setting you up.
You're getting the best education.
You've got access to everything.
That's my stuff, because you know I'm feeling like I'm doing all of this for you and you don't care.
But let's stay there because you're saying, is this right?
I didn't have education. an early family environment where I was maximizing the systems around me.
I did not.
Do you feel like you had to create your own systems for success?
Yes, I did.
I did.
And so I think when you say, OK, what's in the bucket of my stuff?
It's like, here it is.
You had this fabulous early education. starting at like 11 months.
Like, give me a break.
You know what I mean?
Like I, I, I set you up.
Did you do the black and white cards when he was a baby?
Okay.
11 months.
Come on.
I'm tummy time, honey.
You were tummy time, black and white carding.
Like, come on.
Come on.
And then, you know, I toured all of the schools.
I got you into the, you know, they're speaking Spanish.
You're all the things.
And here we are.
Yes.
And you're just like.
Maybe I, so that's my stuff.
My stuff is like, I didn't have all of this and you have all of this.
And I think there's also an intention there that matters.
I'm giving this to you.
And there is probably an assumption there.
I don't think it's wrong.
I'm giving this to you because I think it's going to help you.
Yes.
Right.
Like this is not like a favor.
I think this is going to help you.
This is going to help you have a type of early experience that I didn't have.
And so it's going to look even better for you.
Yes.
Than it did for me.
Completely.
Right.
Yes.
I think we have that.
I don't know why I'm associating.
I have that when I take my kids on vacations.
I didn't get to go to a place like this.
And so you're welcome.
And you're going to thank me.
And you're going to say, oh, I'm so lucky to be in this family.
And I don't need ice cream because I'm at this vacation, mom.
And you're three.
But you're going to say all those things, right?
That's my stuff.
You know that's my bucket of all of the things that I've done to set you up.
For you know, for you to just rock it out of here.
Yes.
And that's right.
Yeah.
And I think a little bit, too.
I've never thought about this till this moment.
Maybe we think when we make, and I think this is powerful.
We can talk about this in other ways too.
So many of us had to create our own system.
Yes.
Grit and effort.
Yes.
And then we, we do think I'm going to give my kid a system which kind of does change their relationship with grit and effort.
Because so much of the grit and effort was to create systems, right?
Okay, so that's what's going on for you.
In my bucket.
Okay.
And if we then go to your son, but still, this is through your set of glasses and your mindset.
This matters too.
What do you think, even from your wisest place now, what is legitimate?
Like, what is a concern?
What is a question you're carrying under the reaction to his low A, which on the surface seems absurd but if you give yourself the credit of, there really might be something I'm picking up on.
I have a spidey sense about my kid that might be legitimate in terms of a concern about him.
What's in that bucket?
In that bucket, the concern is that he is not... doing it like he's not asking questions.
He's not reading the instructions.
I feel like it doesn't matter what I say.
He's just kind of going to rush through it because he doesn't like it.
And so that's the I'm like.
You know the things that he likes.
I feel like he'll sit with and stick with.
But because it's like, I just don't even like this.
I'm just not going to try.
And that is my concern.
And is there a bigger question there?
Because I think there must be like.
Is this the kind of kid where when he gets to something in life that he doesn't like?
Yep.
Or is just something that requires some tedious effort?
Yes.
That he just kind of has a not me.
I don't need to do that.
Is there an entitlement fear?
No, there's that too, of like what will happen to me.
You know, it's like because of this life I've set up, what will happen if I just don't do, you know, if I don't do the things that I don't want to do?
Yeah, I'll just be living with mom forever, and you know that's where I'm going like Right, right.
And that goes back to your bucket too.
I'm thinking what would have happened if you didn't do all the things that you did to have the success you had.
What was your alternative?
Was it cushy?
No, you know, I mean, a lot of my motivation was I wanted to not be where I was.
So a lot of the things that I did.
I had convinced myself that if I am the best at everything I do, I can change everything.
My situation.
I can have something bigger.
I can have more.
I can do more things.
Yeah.
And he doesn't have that.
There's a very specific moment in the day a lot of parents hit, usually in the afternoon, where you're still going, but everything feels harder than it should.
You're answering questions, making decisions, trying to stay patient and suddenly simple things feel complicated.
Like why does choosing a snack suddenly feel like a high stakes decision?
And most of us, me included, have the tendency to just push through it, power through it. through.
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I just, I was really struck by the simplicity of what you said.
I don't want to be here.
I want to end up somewhere different from here.
And I just think I'm thinking about this too with my kids, and none of us have to panic about this.
But where does motivation come from for a kid if the fallback is oh, I'd be pretty happy to be here.
Like I'd be pretty, yeah, that'll be, that already is my ceiling.
Right.
So like your reality wasn't your ceiling.
Like your ceiling was the one that you saw for yourself was very different.
Right.
And there was an amount of discomfort in your reality.
So not just like this is a good life, but this is a It's a comfortable life.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Yeah.
Emotionally comfortable now.
Yes.
Physically comfortable.
Visually comfortable.
Yes.
Right.
Yes.
And so that's.
I'm just like is this going to be a kid that just doesn't do things they don't feel like doing?
Yeah.
And what happens if you do that?
So OK.
So if we take it away from the low A because again, that's not really what we're talking about, because I think there is something there that we can honor
Like there are these moments with our kids where we say you have natural ability at something.
Yep.
I now know that's almost more something that could hamstring you than help you long term, because if I think about ability and effort,
Like if you have high ability when you're young, that can take you far.
So you're behind.
Maybe you're just behind on your effort muscle.
Like the slope of that curve is legitimately slower than other kids.
And maybe still in your son's grade, the ability shines.
But we know there's this like, oh.
Tipping moment, right?
Ability gets you here and effort can take you so far.
So I think the most generous interpretation of your concern about the low A but I think it might be the truest one is you're noticing something where you're concerned about the slope of his effort curve.
Yes.
Right?
Yes.
And you know unlike him, because you're an adult how that plays out all the next number of decades.
Yes.
I think that's really legitimate and is separate from our childhood stuff.
So I just think, right?
And now I think the question is, well, how do I intervene from that place?
Yes.
Not from my stuff.
Right, exactly.
Right.
Do you think the right time to intervene is right after you get the report card.
I can say no.
No, because of how charged up I am about it.
I'm not able to.
I'm still not able to get there yet because I need a minute to take myself out of the story.
You know, I need a minute to, you know, I'm going down, you know, nobody did this for me.
You know, I spent all this money.
You know, I need a minute to just like journal.
Yeah.
Right.
You need to journal first.
I think that's right.
Yeah.
And the other reason why I think it's powerful for parents to know maybe the moment isn't the best one.
Because if it really is about this deeper theme of effort, it's not even really about the grade or the English paper anyway.
Okay.
And I also think a good check in terms of talking to my kid about it is if I say is this beyond the bonus math problem?
So, okay.
Let me pause.
Is this really about effort and taking on a challenge and doing things that are the extra mile?
Actually, no.
Like my kid does that in all these other moments.
Then I might actually say, you know what, this is just a journaling.
Okay.
This is just a journaling moment.
This really is just about the bonus problem.
Okay.
That actually is really helpful to do as a parent.
Is this one moment that's triggering a big story?
Or...
Is this moment kind of emblematic of so many other types of things, where on the surface they all look different, but actually the underlying story is the same right?
Because then I think I want to find my kid in a calm moment, not related to the report card.
And I don't think there's a problem referencing and I might say, look like I was thinking about this after your report card.
And as you know, in our family, like one of the things that matters so much isn't the grade you get.
It's actually the process of getting there.
Like I can see a day where I am so proud of you in a subject where you get a lower grade than another subject where you get a higher grade.
Cause I've watched you study.
I've watched you meet with the teacher after school.
I've watched you learn with me how to make flashcards, which, and that was so cool.
And you kept saying, this is the hardest subject.
And I said, I know we're going to get through it together and you get the worst grade you ever get.
And I say to you, this was the biggest win all year.
That is the kind of family we are.
And the reason I'm saying that to you is because I've noticed there's a bunch of things that are happening that seem really different from that.
And interestingly, this is such a good age for us to talk about it, because you're young, I'm always on your team, right?
And now all of a sudden, instead of just talking about the moment, I'm actually talking about this bigger theme and honestly, like family value almost.
Yes.
Right?
Yes.
And we can even amend this for different ages.
Someone's like.
I don't know if I can say all that to my kid, but sometimes I think it's just helpful to think about the vibe.
Yes.
Right.
Which is very different than the the ones that come more naturally to both of us.
Right.
Yeah.
As you were saying that, I'm just like wow yes, that is that is true, because even it's not about the grade, really.
It's that I want to be sure that you're trying.
And this is, you know what I mean?
I mean, I looked at it and I'm like, this is difficult.
Yeah.
But just like you said, the process of at least giving it a go.
That's right.
You don't do well.
And you did give it your all, which we did have.
We had a situation with this particular subject because because the great just went all the way down.
Yeah.
And I was like, all right, we're here now.
Yeah.
And I think it was low enough for him to say, OK, I need to to get this.
If you said to him.
What do you think is going on here?
What do you say?
I don't.
First, I'm laughing because I'm like, that's such a good question.
Why don't I ever think of that?
And I'm going to answer that.
It's easy for me.
Do you know why I don't think about that in my own moment?
This is actually really true.
Because I am in my own bucket.
Right.
I'm just in my own bucket, in my own bucket.
I'm not even thinking about my kid.
That's the point.
And when someone's like, why don't you just ask them what's going on?
You're like, I've never thought about that, because here's the bucket of what my kid is and here's mine.
And I didn't even realize I'm drowning in my own bucket.
Even as you're saying that, I'm like, best question.
I mean because I know he would have a good answer, because I know my kid.
You know it's like if I could get out of my bucket and into his and ask the question, you know he'd probably say I don't really know.
Like the stories are about things that kids who are seven don't even like.
They're not a part of their world.
He doesn't relate to the passages.
So he's reading these really difficult passages that he can't relate to and i just want to say something.
My like first of all, so incredible that he can articulate that like bananas, but there's actually something almost parallel process or meta about that for me, meaning He does struggle to put forth effort into something that doesn't come easily.
You're right.
You don't understand that world.
My guess is the teacher's like, that's why we're reading it.
So here's what I just want to model back because I know it doesn't come naturally.
So I'm picturing my kid saying, I don't even get these passages.
Like they're so unrelatable.
Some version of that at whatever age your kid is.
I just want to model how to say back to a kid in that moment.
So let me see if I got this right.
You're given a passage to read.
Yeah.
And you start, which is awesome.
Right.
And then at some point you're like, I don't really, like, this isn't really not me.
And I'm kind of fumbling because that's probably what, this isn't really me.
I don't know.
And then, once that thought comes, it becomes harder to stay focused on the passage.
You know, it becomes a little hard to focus.
No, I can focus.
Oh, and then this is important.
I'm so glad you corrected me because I really want to get this right.
Okay.
So it's not focused.
What is it?
It's boring.
Oh, so then you get to a place where it's boring.
Is that right?
Yes.
And then you can say something.
It's so simple, but it really does hit my heart.
I also don't love reading things that feel boring.
I get that.
Your kid might only need that.
Okay.
I get that.
And then I'm going to actually have one of two options.
Okay.
One, I used to say stuff like this to my kid.
When you're doing reading today, do you think you can just tell me when you get to the boring part?
Mom, I'm at the boring part.
I've inherently changed my kid's relationship with the boring.
So now, instead of the boring becoming the cue in their body to tune out, it becomes a cue to connect with me.
And I go, I'm so glad you told me that.
What should we do now?
Immediately, your kid's going to be more likely to read.
They just are because the thing doesn't just take over.
They're kind of more aware of it.
You're in it with them.
So there's a very light version of this.
Now, I'm a realist.
One of my kids, I'd do that, one of them, and it would be like all they needed.
Right.
My other two...
They'd be like, yeah, I'm at the boring part, so I'm going to stop.
You know, then it's like, oh, I don't want to do this anymore.
Okay, I get that.
I don't like boring things either.
I also just want to tell you something clear.
In our family.
One of our values is we work hard to understand things, especially things that aren't kind of immediately understandable to us or are confusing.
And we really work hard to understand things that don't relate to us.
It's just how we become better people is by understanding more things than live in our exact world.
Like I would say that to my kid.
And so I'm on your team, but I just want to make it very clear.
Reading these passages and learning how to stay with them for longer is something I expect you to be able to do.
I know you can do it and I'm going to help you get there.
Pretty strong.
Yeah.
What's your reaction to that?
I'm giggling inside because that's not what I've been doing.
And I'm not saying I would really do that in life, but it sounds good in the studio.
It does, but no.
And I'm also like, oh, my God, yes, I can do this.
But, you know, I'm saying things like, you know what?
See, this is because we're doing too many games and not enough reading.
And we're going to read boring things at home, because I think that's another thing is that in my mind, I'm like we need to do more reading.
But if you're reading the things you love at home, I'm not really helping you with...
This is I do that where I read things that I don't necessarily enjoy.
Like I subscribe to something that probably isn't my favorite, just to push myself to, to go down a lane that is not just exactly what I want to be doing or reading.
And it is helpful.
That's right.
I should probably share that with him.
Like, oh, here's my magazine subscription that I get.
That's right.
Not my favorite, but it's just my way of pushing myself out of my comfort zone.
And I think that's where the I get that.
I have.
That too is such an underutilized tool for parents.
Because then you can say do you know?
One of the things I'm working on truly is reading things that I don't immediately understand.
To expand my brain.
And it's hard for me too. we could kind of be in this secret club together.
Yes.
We both.
And if you notice me saying, oh, I don't want to finish this.
Could you say to me, mom, we're in this together.
Oh, do it another sentence, right?
Yes.
There's nothing like your kid being able to correct you and hear themselves tell you the thing they need to tell themselves.
I have a sick joy because I'm like, I
You don't even realize it.
You don't even realize it.
And I know how much my kid wants to tell me things like that.
Mom.
Exactly.
We don't do that.
You know, you can do it.
They love that.
They love that.
And then, just because again, I'm such a pragmatist, there are things.
Your kid's academic work is hard.
There's no immediate gratification.
You have to start to try to understand something way before you understand it.
There's no dopamine in that whole thing.
Do screens, that could be part of a system change too.
But again, there might be something I don't know if this is exactly the case in your house, but for someone listening where I do think there could be a situation of look, we're going to shift a couple things.
This isn't a punishment.
My job, always in our house, is actually to think about the systems i set up.
My job is to set you up for success and when something is chronically hard, i don't think that's a you problem or a motivation problem.
I actually first say to myself is there a system problem?
Right, and honestly you, i'm making this up Doing your iPad for an hour before your homework.
Nobody could lock into homework like that.
Right.
You're right.
It's going to be a hard change.
You're probably going to yell at me for a few days.
That change is starting tomorrow because I want to set you up for success.
That is totally different.
Even if it looks the same on the surface, the result, but the felt experience is completely different than okay, no iPad after school until you, whatever.
Now my kid's going to do their homework less well just because they're so indignant at me.
Same thing.
Same result, just a different way of going about it.
And then different impact.
Right.
One more layer I want to ask you about.
Do you feel a different type of pressure with him as a Black parent?
I do.
I do.
I know that in every space that he goes into, if he's going up for a job, if he's going up, you know whatever he's going up for.
I know that there's a layer of Can he do it?
Just based on the way he looks.
And so there is a part of me as a parent that wants there to be no question that this person can not just do whatever it is, but can do it better than every single person here.
And so yes, I do have that.
I do have that pressure because I felt like that was the pressure for me.
And that, I guess, lives in both buckets.
Like that's part of your story.
Yes.
Yes.
But there's something very that's very real, too.
Yes.
Right.
That's very real.
Just like when you show up and you're standing in a line.
There's just you're going to have to have a bit extra.
Yeah.
Now that just a little bit extra to make sure that you can.
Yeah.
Well, true, true question.
Mm hmm.
Do you talk to him about that directly?
Does that inform your parenting?
Do you not say that yet?
And is that helpful to actually explicitly talk about?
How do you think about that?
Yeah.
You're going to have to work twice as hard to get whatever.
I haven't said that explicitly, but I can tell you that I'm kind of saying it a little bit.
And so we talk about we talk about race.
We talk about.
You know some of the things that I am like helping him notice is like do you notice that you are the only person that looks like you in these spaces?
So like if you're in gifted or you know whenever he's going to the next level, you're looking around and it's like How many white kids are in this?
Yeah.
And it's like are you the only?
And he'll think about it, and he is black and white and he will say well no, there's nobody else there.
And so I am wanting him to notice that like this sort of only, this only space that he's in.
And I ask him, I ask him how he feels about that.
And he'll say, no, it feels awful.
I feel alone.
I feel lonely.
I feel different, you know?
And so I do.
I'm having the conversations today where I'm saying you know, I'm not trying to change how you feel or make you feel better about being the only person person of color there.
But like, I get it and really just wanting to be with him with that.
But we are starting to get to the point where he's noticing that there's not many people in the elevated or gifted spaces with him.
So we're doing it.
I mean, I feel like I have to.
You're doing it.
Yeah.
I don't want him to be shocked or surprised.
When he gets to middle school or gets to high school, it's like, what's going on?
Yeah.
Of all the things we talked about around this, curious, what's the thing that feels loudest to you?
Or you're like, I want to incorporate that, whether it's a thought or an action.
You know, what feels loudest is the clarification of the bucket.
Because when I when I was saying like, why am I spiraling like this is good.
Right.
And it's just like being able to see to, really just now, when I'm having a moment like this, like OK, I'm going to sit my buckets out, which is mine and really taking a moment to see.
If it's journal, if it's a voice note, if it's kind of calling your friend and saying, can I vent?
You know, can I just vent?
And then really taking the time with my son.
And I think what you're saying is just like the effort, like the process.
And then having some things that i can say.
I know becky, when i am in the right bucket.
I know i can do it, but i gotta get in the right bucket right.
So even just getting out of my bucket and into his, i know that the stuff i i will be able to access.
The very simple question of what do you think is going on?
Yeah, You know it seems so simple, but I know if I ask him that, I know he'll have a good answer.
Only to a good conversation.
Absolutely.
So beautiful.
So let's get back to the original question.
We're kind of asking, is it true?
If I don't push my kid, they'll waste their potential.
Okay, is it true?
And if it's not true, do you have an amendment to that sentence?
Do you have a totally new sentence or framework to understand that question?
Yeah.
Is it true?
Not that if I don't push my kid, but if I don't get out of my bucket to better understand where my kid is struggling.
With effort, they will not reach their potential.
I have such a similar reframe.
I want to put the word effort in there.
It's not even in there.
Potential is so charged.
I think my reframe is, what is my kid's relationship with effort and struggling?
And do they need my help?
Do they need some more skills to be the most capable version of themselves?
I think that's where I'm at.
Yeah.
Here's something I'm thinking about that I want to kind of write up and share if it's helpful for you.
What are some conversation starters around effort with your kid?
How?
Can you open the door to this conversation without your kid slamming it in your face?
And so I'm going to write that up.
I'm going to put it on our blog.
And I'll do some examples at different ages.
So the younger kids, it's a lot shorter.
With the teenager, it understands how quick they are to react to criticism.
I'll kind of write it all out.
Link in the show notes to get it.
Now let's end the way we always do.
Place your feet on the ground.
Place a hand on your heart.
And let's remind ourselves, even as we struggle on the outside, we remain good inside.
I'll see you soon.
