This is an All Ears English podcast episode 2648.
Tough love for your English.
Welcome to the All Ears English podcast downloaded more than 200 million times.
Are you feeling stuck with your English?
We'll show you how to become… fearless and fluent by focusing on connection, not perfection.
With your American hosts Lindsay McMahon, the English adventurer, and Michelle Kaplan, the New York radio girl, coming to you from Colorado and New York City, USA.
And to get your transcripts delivered by email every week, go to allearsenglishcom.
Forward slash subscribe.
Do you ever have to show someone in your life tough love?
Find out what situations this term applies to and how to talk about it when it comes to this universal topic.
Most English learners are solving the wrong problem.
You may think you need to learn more vocabulary, but after teaching hundreds of thousands of English learners, we've discovered that's probably not what's holding you back.
One hidden mistake may be preventing you from using the words you already know.
We're about to release something brand new at All Ears English that tackles this problem.
We can't share all the details yet, but if you want early access and behind the scenes updates, Join the early interest list now.
Go to allersenglish.com slash vocabulary and get on the list today.
Hey, Lindsay, how are you?
I'm good, Michelle.
How are you?
How's it going?
Everything's good.
Lindsay, have you ever had to give someone you care about tough love?
Yes.
I remember in college I had a roommate and a good friend who was struggling with some emotional issues.
And we asked her to go to like the school psychologist and we kind of We said we want you to go get evaluated for something.
We kind of had to put our foot down and ask her to get help with stuff.
Right.
So that was kind of tough love, I think.
What about you, Michelle?
Yeah.
Any examples?
Any examples.
If if Dan is trying to eat healthy and I catch him snacking a lot and I might be like Oh something something, cute.
It's more like that.
Like, you know, and he'll be like, Oh yeah, you're right.
Like Not that I'm not like that all the time or anything, but he's particularly he's like on a health kick.
So I might just be like, you know, tough love can be like a very serious thing or not so serious.
Yeah, exactly.
As we just showed our listeners, it can range from something as serious as mental health, right?
Asking someone to seek help for mental health issues up to just.
You know, kind of like teasing someone for having snacks or helping them stay on their path of nutrition.
Right, right, right, right, right.
Exactly.
So, yeah, this can happen in life, this tough love.
So this is about you know you have to tell someone that it's something they need to hear, but they might not want to hear.
And today's episode is actually inspired by a business English episode.
So definitely check out that episode.
We'll give it to you later on.
And so, yeah.
But first, we want to also say thank you so much to our reviewers.
Yes, we have.
A huge thank you to some very special listeners who took the extra moment to go and leave us a review and a rating.
We have Mingwei Ren from China in Apple Podcasts.
We have Fateme Zaira. from Iran in CastBox, and Seema Chokri, also from Iran in CastBox.
Huge thank you to you all who took the time to leave us a rating and review.
They mean a lot to us, guys.
So please go and do it.
If you want to hear your name announced out loud on the show, leave us a rating and review wherever you listen.
Okay.
Awesome.
Yes.
Thank you so much.
Yes.
So, Lindy, do you use this expression?
I do.
Yeah.
I think absolutely.
This is useful because the reality is we really love someone and we know what's good for them.
Usually it's something that they know is good for them too.
We want to help them achieve those goals, even if it's not the easiest thing in that moment.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's why it's good.
So I mean yeah, we explained the meaning.
But yeah, it's like when you have to be firm or tough with someone for a purpose, right?
They need to change in some place.
And it comes from a place of love, right?
So, it's different.
It's not just being nasty, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, loving someone and caring about them isn't always about just agreeing with whatever they do and letting them do perhaps something destructive, without telling them they need to change.
Right.
I mean, I think that's real love.
You know that's real love, because you want them to be able to become the best version, the safest version, healthiest version of themselves.
So they'll be around.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So this action that we're doing, if we're asking them to do something, get help or fix their diet
We're doing it out of love, right?
But it might seem harsh or that you're being hard on the person.
Yeah.
Another example is my dad like maybe 10 years ago he was, you know, he was pretty overweight and we were really concerned about his weight.
And so we as a family wrote him a letter and just said, like a very serious letter of like we want you to change your diet, you know um, that's another example right, a lot of how did he take it uh, seriously.
He took it seriously and he did make some changes.
So yeah, that's amazing yeah, that's a great example.
What else, michelle Yeah?
So let's talk about other situations where tough love might be necessary.
We've talked about a necessary evil.
We've talked about that on the show before.
Right.
So this is kind of like tough love could fall into that.
So, for example, if someone is involved in something dangerous.
So a lot of times you might hear about people doing interventions for drugs or alcohol.
Yes.
Or another kind of addiction like gambling, being a shopaholic, somebody needs help.
Yes, exactly.
Exactly.
Maybe you kind of force someone to go to a rehab center if they need rehabilitation, right?
And it seems tough.
That's another good example of tough love.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
Because you could just keep on letting that person go on that path, but that's not helping them.
That's not loving them.
Right.
Exactly.
Or if a teacher, I mean, so it doesn't always have to be like your closest family members.
It could be a teacher.
Right.
If a teacher knows a student is not putting in the effort, the teacher might be more direct, especially if they know the kid has potential.
Right.
Or even for a boss at work.
I mean, you know, you got to be careful with this.
I mean...
You know, if you're a teacher or a boss, you do have to be careful about the tough love situation.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, you don't know.
You never know like, how it could come off, or if you say the wrong thing and then they, you know, have an issue with it.
So but like I think in gentle ways, you know, just kind of.
Showing them how to improve.
Yeah, I think what it means at work is holding someone to a higher standard, pushing them a bit more and letting them know you expect more from them.
So it's dressed up in different words, different conversations versus what we might have with our spouse if we're asking them to go to rehab, versus if you're a boss and someone working under you is not working to their potential.
They're different conversations, but it's tough love either way, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
Or a parent to a child, right?
Even to an older child, right?
Like maybe they're not doing their homework and you have to punish them, or maybe they're making poor decisions.
Um later on, as they grow up, you might have to make certain consequences that are really just tough love.
Or a coach to a team, right?
That's a good example too.
Um, a bad relationship.
Maybe if a person is just, you love someone, but they're just not being a good partner.
They're like self-destructive or something.
You might have to have an intervention.
You mentioned intervention earlier.
Michelle, what does that mean?
Intervention?
Yeah, that's usually I mean, that sounds like in a way it's how you wrote the letter to your dad.
But yeah, right.
It's.
It's like a group of people coming together and maybe, like they decide that you know someone has is in trouble right.
In some way.
And they might, it's usually, I think it's usually in person.
Yeah.
And you know the person might come.
It's almost seems like a surprise party, but yeah, not a party for the person.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Here.
Right.
Telling them about your concerns and you know, so yeah, you're intervening on their behavior that's negative towards themselves.
And that's the verb there, guys, intervening to intervene.
Good one.
So a consequence sometimes can be associated with tough love.
So what does this look like, Michelle?
Right.
So you might say something like, I have to show you some tough love.
So I'm not going to give you any more money for college until you get your grades up.
This is another good one.
In the US it's very common for kids to leave, or it was it has been historically when we were growing up, for kids to leave the home at 18 right.
You go to college or you get a job and you're out of your parents' home.
And now this is.
I think maybe this is changing or has changed a little bit, but I still feel like I would need to encourage my child to move on.
You know, move on in the world and show a little bit of tough love.
That means.
If you're going to live at home, you need to pay rent, right?
You need to like certain things you'll need to contribute as an adult.
If you're an adult, you contribute as an adult, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah.
So tricky one though.
That is tough love.
Yeah, for sure.
Yeah.
I mean, sometimes it's just being direct.
So for example, are you ready for some tough love?
He's the wrong guy for you.
I can't watch you waste your time on him any longer.
Interesting there.
Yeah.
Yeah.
If someone's in a bad relationship, you care about them and you're just like this is going to be some tough love, right?
Of course, you're going to say something like that, right?
If you really love your friend, you care about your friend a lot, right?
You're going to try.
It might not be easy.
It's hard.
Well, it's especially hard.
See, it's easy for us to say this.
Like, of course, you're going to say this to your friend.
But it gets really tricky when people start getting engaged.
I know someone who just got engaged and I'm not going to name any names obviously, but not everyone is on the train in terms of like the person that he or she is marrying.
And it's tricky because people want to have conversations and just say, hey, are you sure this is what you want to do?
But then once there's a ring on the finger, it's like it's almost a no go zone, unless you're really close to the person.
And then, you know, they're getting married.
They're having children.
It's like.
I don't know.
There's a window of time when it's kosher to do it and a window of time when not as much right.
Right.
Yeah.
And yeah, oh, that is a very sticky situation.
I mean just, you can see it.
You can see that problems are going to be coming and you know it, but it's like the person almost has to just learn for themselves, but you want to warn them.
Oh man, that's a hard one.
So I'm glad I'm not in that situation.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It wouldn't be my place.
I'm not close enough to the person to, to say anything, but yeah.
So anyways, we'll take a quick break and we'll be right back.
Think about your last English conversation.
Were you fully present or were you busy thinking about grammar vocabulary, pronunciation and what to say next?
When your brain is focused on rules, it's hard to connect with people in front of you.
Real fluency creates space for real conversations and connection.
Our free two-minute fluency quiz shows you your current level and the next step toward more natural communication and, of course, human connection.
Go to allearsenglish.com slash fluency score.
That's allearsenglish.com slash F-L-U-E-N-C-Y-S-C-O-R-E and take our free two-minute quiz.
See you there.
Okay, Michelle, is tough love ever the wrong approach?
What do you think?
I mean, yeah, I think it can be.
You know, you have to be careful with this.
I mean, you know, we don't want to use it to shame someone, to come down on someone who's in a crisis, for example.
Sure.
So it has to truly be about trying to get them where they need to be.
So helping with loving intentions.
I think if it's not done out of love which is a great expression that we mentioned earlier if it's not truly done genuinely out of love, then people will be able to see that and it just seems mean to me.
It just seems tough, not love, right?
It's true.
It's true.
And we have to do this for our pets too.
Sometimes Kiefer is so bad at the vets when it comes to shots.
He is terrified.
He's like a cat.
His tail goes all the way between his legs, but we have to take him to get his shots, right?
And get blood drawn for blood tests and things.
Yeah, so yeah, this is where it gets hard.
Yeah, I'm about to have to take my daughter for her, her birthday, her birthday for her, you know, four year old visit.
Oh, yeah, for the doctor.
And I asked them if there are any shots and similar to Kiefer.
She doesn't like that.
Yeah, but it's like i do, you have to get it, so yeah, or if i have to, if i don't let my kids have candy or something like that.
Sometimes it's just tough love.
Sorry, i know this makes you upset, but i'm looking out for your exactly, you know.
Yeah, it's not always the right answer to let them have dessert every night right, Yeah?
So it's good to acknowledge that something is tough love.
It probably doesn't help for the person or the animal in that moment, right?
Whether they just don't like what's happening, but it's okay to convey it, right?
So how would we do that, Michelle?
Right.
So if you're acknowledging that something is tough love, you might say something like I know I'm being harsh, but I think you need some tough love right now.
Right.
Or I'm saying this because you need to hear it.
It's just tough love.
Yeah.
How do you think it can connect you to someone by saying this?
I mean...
Well, yeah, even if it's harsh, right?
I know, I think people know in their gut, deep, deep, deep down.
I think they either know now or, in the case of if it's a little kid, they'll know later and they'll appreciate right, that you didn't let them have Doritos every day, or something.
Right.
Right.
Later on.
Right.
I know my parents, we weren't really allowed to have tons of sweets around the house.
We ate a lot of like whole grain stuff and a lot of healthy stuff.
And that's helped me develop a really good diet as an adult.
So I actually really appreciate it now.
I didn't appreciate it then.
I
But now I appreciate it.
So it comes back eventually, right?
Yeah.
And we can do more expressions about tough love or talking about this topic, because it's a really interesting one.
So definitely hit follow because we might be doing a follow up.
And so just some related expressions just to review was to say something is done out of love.
Right.
That's done because they love you with love is the motivation.
So I know you didn't like what I said, but it was done out of love.
I just want you to be happy.
Or what's another one?
Or it comes from a place of love.
This is the same idea.
You could say this may not be what you want to hear right now, but I promise you it comes from a place of love.
Yeah.
And that's just like you're kind of saying like look, you have to take this for face value right now.
You'll understand one day. right?
Yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
All right.
Role play time.
Okay.
So here you are my sister and you are in a bad relationship.
So intervene here.
Here we go.
Here we go.
But I really love him.
I know you don't want to hear this, but he's just not the one for you.
Lindsay, how could you say that?
I'm sorry.
You deserve so much more.
I promise.
This comes from a place of love.
I don't think he treats you right.
But a lot of the time he does.
He has done really nice things.
Okay, I'm sorry, but here's some tough love.
Remember when he left you outside the movie theater when he got mad at you?
That was not okay.
You're my sister and I care about you.
All my words are said out of love.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, that doesn't sound nice about the movie theater.
Yeah.
I mean, that's kind of the good thing about like having siblings and family is that you can know that.
You know most of the time they're really just on your side.
They just want you to be safe and treated well.
Right yep yep, exactly.
Um, so you said i'm sorry, you deserve so much more.
I promise this comes from a place of love good, and then, and then you didn't quite get it.
Right.
Like you're still sticking up for him, which is really common.
I think what happens in these conversations because you want it to work out.
Right.
And maybe you're infatuated with him or something.
And then I said, OK, I'm sorry.
Here's some tough love.
So I'm I'm kind of prefacing this and i'm saying here's what's coming.
Yeah right, yeah exactly.
And you said you're my sister, i care about you.
All my words are said out of love.
So another good one.
And guys, this was inspired by uh, that business english episode i was telling you about.
It was episode 565.
It was if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen right, right.
So that's a little has some tough love to it as well.
Yeah, that's true.
No, that's true.
Interesting.
I remember that episode.
And now here's the follow up, right guys hit follow for another follow up in the future.
And Michelle, any takeaway today?
Yeah, I mean, tough love is tough, but it's love.
So sometimes we have to do it.
I mean, sometimes in life we have to do things that are not easy.
And this is one of them.
If we really care about someone, sometimes...
Has to be done.
Yep.
That's it.
And I think this is a universal thing that applies across all countries, all languages, all cultures.
I love when we hit on these emotional topics that we're all dealing with in our lives.
And so guys, now you have the words to talk about it in English.
There you go.
All right.
All right.
Awesome.
Thanks for chatting about this with me today.
All right.
Take care.
Bye.
All right.
Bye.
Thanks for listening to all ears English.
Would you like to know your English level?
Take our two minute quiz.
Go to allearsenglish.com forward slash fluency score.
And if you believe in connection, not perfection, then hit subscribe now to make sure you don't miss anything.
See you next time.
