This is an All Ears English podcast, episode 2550, five steps to deescalate in English.
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What can you say when someone is riled up?
Today learn five steps to de-escalate a stressful situation in English.
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Hey, Aubrey, how's it going?
I'm great.
Lindsay, how are you doing?
Good.
Aubrey, have you ever been around someone that was really riled up and you had to de-escalate the situation?
Has that ever happened to you?
Yes.
I feel like I've told this story here, but when I was at an airport and someone was really mad that my friend had been like peeling the paint on the window.
And I think I did.
I sort of you know, used a couple of phrases to try and deescalate, to try and get she's still.
The security had to come over.
It was a whole issue.
But it doesn't happen very often, but every now and then someone can get really angry.
Well, I would also say airports are a hot button place for that.
If someone's had flights delayed or canceled, they're upset about other things and maybe taking it out on someone else.
Yeah.
You have to be really careful in airports, especially or boarding a plane, you know, putting your suitcase up there and you accidentally bump someone, or these days people just go off right.
They just go off.
But today's episode is all about this.
You know, how can we deescalate the temperature.
And this comes from a question from Makoto, right?
A situation that our student Makoto was in.
Aubrey, can you tell us about this?
Yes.
So this was really interesting.
He asked about this at Open Conversation Club.
He is a basketball referee.
And he was saying he has difficulty knowing what to say when players get really riled up.
Like if he calls a foul, they might yell, I didn't touch him.
And then often anything a ref could say, they just get more angry or more emotional.
So it was interesting.
We had a really interesting chat about it and how often referees just have to say that's the way it is and walk away.
They can't really engage.
But for the rest of us, in regular life we're, If this happens and someone's, riled up, meaning they're very emotional or angry.
We need phrases to deescalate the situation, whether this is happening at work or in our daily lives.
All of us have seen those TikTok videos where someone's getting so angry and everyone just starts filming them.
Oh, I hate that.
I hate that culture of just filming now.
It's terrible.
It's so revolting that everyone just takes their phone and starts filming.
It's terrible.
And then someone probably just gets angrier and angrier the more phones they see filming them.
Yes, of course.
Of course no one wants to be in film.
But yeah, but the truth is we can't always just walk away.
So we do need these skills.
So it's kind of conflict management going on here, right?
We can't always just walk away from the situation.
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Yes, absolutely.
And you're exactly right Lindsay, that When you do care about the connection maybe it's a coworker, a friend or a family member you don't want to just walk away.
You need these strategies to deescalate.
You need the phrases that you could say to try and resolve the issue.
Exactly.
So we're putting this into a couple of buckets of things we might want to do.
And the first bucket today is acknowledging feelings.
Of course, it's not just for children, right?
All human beings need to have their feelings acknowledged.
Absolutely.
Right.
And it's amazing how that might just immediately calm someone down if they feel like their feelings are being validated, that someone else understands why they're upset.
Right.
So you might just say something like, I understand that you're upset.
And this just validates their emotions without even agreeing necessarily.
Yeah, I understand that you're upset or I understand why you're upset.
Right.
Both would work or I can see why you'd feel that way.
And we're using the you would, you'd.
I can see why you'd feel that way.
Mm hmm.
And this shows empathy.
It can calm defensiveness or anger.
Right.
Just to have one person acknowledging that they're not crazy.
Right.
That what they're saying makes sense or is justified.
Mm hmm.
Or it sounds like this is important to you.
Right.
So that, yeah, that appeals to the person's values and it kind of looks past their rage.
Right.
It focuses on validating their perspective.
Yeah.
Rather, you know, rather than the conflict.
It sort of takes the focus off the conflict and puts it on us as people.
Like I understand your perspective.
And I have a feeling if any of our listeners work in really probably anything like customer service or even retail, they may have been trained in some of this.
Right.
Especially nowadays to have these phrases to how to deescalate in a situation where a customer is really upset.
Exactly.
Especially if you're a supervisor or a manager, because often a lot of employees like their first step would just be to pull over a supervisor.
But if you are, you know, the manager, you need these skills and these phrases to deescalate.
Yes.
Okay.
So that's the first bucket.
The first bucket again was acknowledging feelings.
And then number two, what else should we do?
Yeah.
Number two is to show a willingness to listen.
This is where it's interesting because we also, our emotions might be you know, rising as well.
We might be getting impatient or frustrated.
And so this is really tricky.
Like, if we really care about the connection, we will be willing to hear their side and we want to show that
So for example, you could say, let's take a moment to talk about this, right?
Invite that conversation and try to move away from confrontation, or help me understand your point of view.
This feels very collaborative.
It feels quite peaceful when we say this.
So you're just encouraging them to share what's going on in their minds in that moment.
Or I want to hear what you're thinking.
Right.
This would definitely signal that you're open to a conversation about it.
The tricky thing with these is you can't fake this.
Someone will be able to tell if you don't mean it.
If you're insincere, you're frustrated, you're impatient and you're just saying this.
Right.
You really need to truly be willing to listen when you're in this situation where you're trying to deescalate.
Otherwise, it'll just make them more angry.
Yeah.
I don't think you could even say these phrases if you're also escalating.
Sometimes we mirror the person and we escalate in that same way.
I don't think you could even say these.
You know what I mean?
That's true.
You might need to skip to number four.
We'll get there, because sometimes you need time to cool down before you could use these types of phrases.
Yeah.
And in the meantime, let's hit number three, use softening statements.
So what does that mean?
A softening statement, Aubrey?
Yeah.
Something that will help reduce defensiveness, invite collaboration, right?
So for example, I might be wrong, but here's how I see it.
So instead of going very direct with, you know, this is what I think is the case, right?
I'm softening that by saying like, I could be wrong about this, But have you considered this?
This is how I see it.
You're softening that.
Softening it.
And you could also soften by saying, I see your point.
Maybe we can find a solution together.
Okay.
So here we're moving the focus from blame to problem solving.
And I like that.
I like that orientation of, hey, let's figure this out together.
Exactly.
Because imagine if you stay in blame, if everyone's just blaming and getting, then it escalates escalates, right.
So when you start trying to take the focus away from the conflict toward problem solving, toward constructive dialogue, then and often with these softening statements, that's the best way to help someone bring their emotions down.
Yeah.
And the best and then another good way to say that would be let's figure out the best way forward.
This is forward moving momentum.
This is implying a solution.
Right.
It's not like wallowing in the problem as much.
Right.
And it's collaborative.
Right.
Let's figure this out together.
I'm not just telling you what I think the solution is.
I'm inviting you to a dialogue where we figure it out together.
Yeah.
But sometimes you're just breathing fire, Aubrey.
So you might just need to take some time to cool down.
You cannot possibly use these phrases until you cool down and get some perspective.
Right.
And you might need a phrase to share rather than just walking away, and maybe they'll come after you angrily.
You need a phrase to let them know that you need to step away.
So, for example, you could say, let's take a short break and come back to this.
Right.
It prevents something from escalating, especially if emotions are high.
Just saying, acknowledging that you also need a short break.
Yeah.
Or you could say, I think we both need a moment to calm down.
Now this one.
Be careful with this, because you could further enrage the person if you imply that they're out of line, right.
Yeah, this is tricky because like you're trying to acknowledge that both sides need time.
But if there's a chance the other person would be like, I don't need time.
You could just say this about yourself.
You just say, you know, I think I need a moment to calm down.
So I'm just going to step back and we could talk about this in a few minutes.
Yeah, exactly.
And then we already kind of touched on the collaboration piece, right?
But there's a couple other things that we could say.
How can we work this out?
And then what else, Aubrey?
Or what would help you feel better about this?
And these are also like you maybe are trying to come up with a solution, trying to figure out what happened.
And if you reach an impasse, this is especially for like a supervisor or manager.
It's like, how can I fix the problem?
And you need a way to say that, right?
How can I make it right?
So many phrases, so many words, so many ways to do it, Aubrey, right?
Yeah.
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Okay, so let's do a role play, and we're going to put these into action.
So, Aubrey, here we are two drivers.
Our names are Sam and Taylor.
Is that right?
Yes, it can't be us because I'm going to be maybe a little ornery.
I'm going to have to put on my acting skills because you hit me and I'm very angry.
Oh, boy.
Here we go.
Okay, so we're getting out of the car, walking towards each other maybe.
Exactly.
I'll start us out.
Ready?
Okay, here we go.
Mm-hmm.
Look at my bumper.
This is your fault.
You totally ran that light.
Whoa, I can see you're upset.
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
Are you okay?
I'm okay, I think.
But my car, this is ridiculous.
I understand.
I'm really sorry this happened.
I shouldn't have tried to make the light.
Let's handle this calmly so we can get it sorted.
This is terrible timing.
I was on the way to pick up my kids.
I'm sorry about that.
Let's exchange insurance information and take photos of the damage.
Okay, that sounds good.
Thank you for staying calm.
I know it's frustrating.
We'll handle this step by step.
All right, let's do that.
I'm a little too calm for someone that just hit a car.
Right.
I think it's supposed to be just a minor fender bender.
So like, right.
I'm probably overreacting.
Right.
Or neither are injured.
Like you just maybe barely bumped me.
But even so, sometimes people just immediately are enraged.
Maybe they've been dealing with other things.
Right.
And it's just all coming out.
Well, that's the thing.
It's usually not about that moment that someone bumps you in the airport or something.
It's really about everything else they haven't dealt with in their lives.
We have this idiom, the straw that broke the camel's back.
It means like the tiny little last thing that's what causes you to erupt.
But these days, everyone is just at the top of that, right?
It seems like.
We're all at a boiling point.
Yeah, it seems like it.
So we will need these phrases.
Anything to go over here specifically?
Yeah, to just point out some of these de-escalation techniques that we used.
So you did something really smart where you... took it to safety.
You're like, you know, are you okay?
I'm okay.
Are you okay?
And it kind of makes me realize like okay, maybe the damage to my car isn't the most important thing.
Am I all right?
We're both okay.
And that immediately takes it to the human level.
Yeah.
And your tone of voice changed when you responded to that.
You said, I'm okay, I think.
Right.
So that does shift the energy.
And so all of a sudden, we're not necessarily like fighting against each other.
We're making sure we're both physically safe.
Yeah.
And this really makes sense, right?
If you've caused an accident just to immediately, are you okay?
Like make sure that no one's injured and worried about that ahead of time, but also acknowledging feelings right.
You said, I can see that you're upset.
Like just acknowledging that instead of dismissing where, which would probably make me even more angry.
I love that.
I can see that you're upset.
And then what else do we have?
What else did I say?
Anything specific?
So you were owning responsibility.
You said I shouldn't have tried to make the light.
I'm like, you ran the light.
That's one of those where you'll try to get through it.
Oh, I think I've got time.
And someone else goes a little early.
But yeah, you are owning responsibility, which this is tricky with a traffic accident.
Often people don't want to do this.
They don't want to admit fault.
Or maybe they're not sure if they are at fault.
But in order to de-escalate the situation, sometimes this can help.
Right.
Because they probably they want to claim on their insurance.
It's not their fault.
Right.
That happens.
If it's your fault, your insurance probably goes up.
I don't know.
Luckily, I've never been in one of these.
So that's good.
Yeah, I don't know exactly how it works.
Depends on, like what the witnesses say and what the like.
That depends on the laws in the different country.
Often it's like whoever hit someone from behind, even if the other person stopped short, you know that's their fault.
But then also this phrase focusing on a solution.
You know you're saying let's exchange insurance information and take photos.
Like you are moving toward next steps.
Let's solve this, which is going to deescalate the emotion of it.
Yes.
Okay.
I love it.
So, and then, um, then at the end I said, thank you for staying calm.
I know it's frustrating.
We'll handle this step-by-step.
It sounds a little bit more like um, like a manager who has been trained, than a, than a human being on the road.
That's I.
I feel like I'd be a little more um like if I were the one that caused the accident.
I don't know if I'd be that collected.
Do you know what I mean?
Maybe not.
Right.
Yeah.
It's a especially i don't know.
It's interesting to think about how you would react if the other person comes out just like enraged and really freaking out.
You might move into like peacemaker mode, like let's de-escalate yeah, before someone depends on your personality maybe yeah um, but yeah, it sounds a little more official to me, like like like a train, like a trained manager, that kind of thing.
Um okay uh, all right, anything else we should go through before we finish up with this episode?
Yeah, I think that's it.
It is interesting how we're kind of covering both here, like what a trained manager says and what a real person says.
When you're in a conflict, you need to deescalate and you might be too emotional to be able to like use these calming phrases.
But if that's the case, use one of these to step back.
Right.
I think I need a moment to step back.
Because more and more I mean in the States you never know someone might have a gun in their car.
You need to deescalate.
You don't want to be pushing someone's buttons and pushing back at someone who's really angry.
It's too dangerous.
Oh, my God.
It's too bad that we have to think about that.
But it is true.
I mean, it has happened that someone just pulls a gun on a car next to them.
Or if they cut someone cut someone off.
It has happened like in recent years.
It happens all the time.
It happened just a couple of weeks ago here in Arizona.
And often it's just about road rage.
In fact, just a couple of weeks ago a child was shot through a window because it was like two adults that were fighting and one shot and hit a child in their car.
It's awful.
So it really does highlight how important it is to be the person who's willing to de-escalate, like try to control your emotions, even if you're the one that's angry, because it's not worth what the potential consequences could be.
Yeah, you're so right.
Really good stuff.
All right.
Good episode today, Aubrey.
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And Aubrey, I'll see you back on here soon.
All right.
Awesome.
See you next time.
Have a good day.
Bye.
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