This is an All Ears English podcast, episode 2534, how to broach a taboo topic respectfully.
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There are some topics like money, politics and religion that are commonly off limits in American culture.
But what if you have a genuine question about one of these?
Today, learn what you can say to open up the topic and still give the person options, while building the connection.
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Hey there, Michelle.
How's your day going?
Pretty well, Lindsay.
How are you?
Good, but I have a question.
You ready?
Okay.
So do you ever feel unsure if you should bring up a certain topic when you're speaking with someone from another culture?
I mean, there's a lot of cultural differences out there.
Yeah, for sure.
I mean, it can always be.
Yeah, because of all these differences, we don't know what might be appropriate or inappropriate to say.
What's okay to ask.
And it can it can be a little anxiety provoking, don't you think?
Yeah.
And culture can mean so many different things.
It can even mean like age groups too, right?
Even within our own country.
It could be you're talking to someone older or younger, and that could qualify as well.
So there's a lot there.
What was this episode inspired by?
Yeah.
So we're going to follow up today on something we discussed in a previous episode.
Guys, check out episode 2525.
That was what are you saving up for?
And And on this episode.
In one part of it we were talking about taboo topics and how it may be uncomfortable to touch on certain things when you don't know if it's okay to bring it up.
So we were saying that, you know, because we want our listeners to feel empowered, even in these moments with cultural differences.
And we wanted to give you the tools where okay, what do you say if you're not sure?
If it's okay to talk about something,
So that's where this episode idea came from.
So again, that's 25-25.
Head on over and listen to that one after you finish this one.
Yeah, exactly.
And I think we always need to keep connection in mind.
And it's important to be.
I mean first of all, if you're already thinking that, If you're already thinking about cultural differences, it's half the battle.
Like you've won the game already.
You're already sensitive to it.
Yeah, you're already way ahead of many people, which is great.
And there's nothing wrong with asking someone if it's okay to bring up a certain topic if you aren't sure.
I think it's better to do it.
So that's what we want to give you those skills to do today, right?
Exactly.
Yes.
And I think we were talking about that episode.
You know three of the taboo topics like Money sex, religion.
I mean, there's certainly more.
Yeah.
At least those are taboos in our culture.
Right.
Exactly.
Yep.
That's the key.
Yeah, exactly.
So we're going to get into that in just a second.
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All right.
Perfect.
All right.
So, all right, let's talk.
So you know, generally you probably wouldn't ask someone in the American culture how much money do you make?
Right, Lindsay?
Or what else?
And again, again, everything we're saying here is per American culture.
It could be different in your culture.
That's what we're talking about today.
That's the interesting part, right?
How much money do you make?
We would avoid what's your religion.
That's pretty direct.
Right.
Do you believe in God?
That's pretty direct.
And questions about sex, you know, those are all pretty much off limits.
Of course, unless you know someone really well and you've broken that barrier of connection.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And again, this could be completely different in other cultures.
I mean like and it's interesting, you know, because I think I was telling you Lindsay, a little bit about so my, my seven year old, all about to be seven, didn't understand why we don't ask about money.
And it was interesting because I was trying to explain it to him.
I was trying to explain to a seven year old like.
Why we don't.
That's really interesting.
Yeah.
And I mean, I think I was thinking about why.
And I think it goes back to.
I said to him, because you may ask someone something and it might make them feel shame in some way.
Shame because maybe they don't want to tell you.
Maybe they make a ton of money and they feel shame about that in the way that they don't want to sound like they're bragging or make somebody else feel bad.
Or maybe they don't make a lot of money and they feel shame about that, or you know so.
So i think that's kind of what it comes down to with money.
What do you think?
Yeah, I'm just picturing myself.
I don't know how I would answer some of these questions.
Honestly, Michelle, I bet your kids challenge you every single day.
I think I would be tempted to just say if my son said to me why, I would just say because.
Yeah, yeah.
It must be exhausting.
It is exhausting.
And then some things I'm like oh, I should know this, but i, why don't i know?
And then it just makes me question my own intelligence, like i wasn't listening in this part of school, i guess.
Right right, questions about the solar system or yes, like oh my gosh yes, yes.
You're like, you're like go ask your father yeah, yeah.
I'm like oh, i think daddy might know, you know, but that is like you don't want to do that so much because you want him to realize that you know things too.
So, oh my gosh.
But now but now it's funny with um, you know, with technology he'll be like can you google this or we'll be?
We'll be sitting in the car and he'll be like how many seconds have i been alive?
Wow.
Hey, good questions.
I mean, asking good questions is a sign of intelligence.
So yeah, that's smart.
Yeah.
So but let's get back to this.
I mean, what can you say if you aren't sure if it's okay to ask a certain question?
So we're gonna go through some ideas.
Yeah, this is great.
So one example of what we can say is, is it okay to ask about X, right?
And this is great just to preface your question with this little additional phrase.
But essentially you are kind of asking about it, but you're asking if it's okay to ask about it too, right?
You're blending two questions a little bit.
True, true, true, true.
Yeah.
Like, is it okay to ask you a question about money?
And that's an opener.
And then based on the reaction...
You're going to learn a lot from just body language there, right?
Yep.
I mean because essentially, I think it's okay to acknowledge that you know something.
Might be a little inappropriate to ask right.
And I think that really shows that you're thinking about it.
But you're still mentioning you're not sure if this specific piece is okay to ask about.
So maybe you know money as taboo, but if you're asking about housing prices...
Right.
That may not be taboo.
Or like if you're not asking a super personal question, like if I say how much did you spend on your house?
OK, that's a personal question.
But if I am asking about housing prices in general, that's not really.
Yes, exactly.
So it's personal versus general, right?
Even though I mean, at least in our world.
Most of the time, if we have a friend that buys a house like, we won't ask the question directly, but we'll go to Redfin and find the address and we'll figure out.
Yep, yep, yep.
I know it's all out there now.
That's the thing is there are not too many, there aren't too many secrets.
No, there aren't too many.
So it's just funny what we do to avoid these taboos.
But you know, having this language is so key, is so important.
What's something else we could say?
Yeah.
You could say, I know this is a taboo topic, but I'm not sure if it's OK to ask one thing.
Right.
And then ask what it is.
Right.
I like I know I know religion is a taboo topic, but I'm not sure if it's OK to ask one thing.
Do you celebrate Christmas?
You know what I mean?
Right.
So just I think showing that you're thinking about it is really puts you on another level.
Yeah, that's huge.
Just the gesture of like you're aware and awareness is going to make people respect you.
Right.
And it kind of gives you a bit of a defense if you ask the wrong question.
At least you were thinking you were trying to be conscious.
Right.
Yep.
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Okay, so what's something else we could say, Michelle?
So you could acknowledge where you're from and why you're not sure about this.
So you could say oh, where I come from.
Or you could say, in right, in France and England or whatever.
X is not taboo.
So sex is not taboo.
Money is not taboo, right?
But you could say, but I'm not sure if it's okay to ask about this here or about this in American culture.
And then you pretty much have to go into the question because people don't really know what you're going to ask if you don't.
Like, I guess my question for you is, are we expecting a response?
Because we can't really respond to that.
We have to kind of go into the question because people don't know what you're going to ask, right?
Um well, you could.
You could uh like okay, you could wait for the person to say oh okay, what is it?
And then you could give the topic.
You could say oh, i mean.
Well, i mean because you could give like a little extra um, i mean you do, a little extra information.
Yeah, if you, if you don't feel like you want to give away the whole question, if you're still feeling a little awkward about it, you could say like Oh, where I come from, money is not taboo.
And then I'm not sure if it's okay to ask about this here.
And if the person says, okay, what is it?
You could say, oh, it has to do with salary or it has to do with raises, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Exactly.
So a little hint, before you ask how much you know, like if you do want to broach that topic, like how much do you make?
You're like easing into it.
Yeah, exactly.
Okay.
I like it.
I like it.
Just want to clear that up here.
Good question.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What else?
What else?
You could also say this may or may not be okay to ask but, and then you know, but do you uh um, are you very religious?
Right?
Like, yeah.
And this goes back to what you were saying, Lindsay, I'm saying, I don't know if it's okay to ask.
And then I'm asking it.
I still think it's okay because you're showing that awareness.
If somebody said that to me, I would say, Oh yeah, that is kind of a taboo topic.
I don't know if I would ask, like someone i'm not very close with, about it, but we're friends, so i'm okay talking about this right like i.
I don't think that anybody's got it.
I think this buffer, oh this may or may not be okay to ask.
You're just, you're showing that respect.
Yeah, and it's about respect.
Exactly, it's about respect.
Um, you could also say do you mind if I ask you a kind of taboo question?
Let me know if it's too personal.
And then I'm going to go into the question, right?
So you're giving the person an out.
You're being explicit about giving the person an excuse to say I'm sorry, let's talk about something else.
I'd prefer not to answer that, you know?
Yep.
Yes.
Love it.
Well, actually, here I have a question.
Have you ever had like a friend who an American friend ask you a question that is totally taboo and then you're like then it's even more awkward because you're like wait, we don't talk about this.
Yeah, I think it's probably happened before.
And it's definitely weird when it's someone from your own culture.
And you're thinking like, you should know that this is not.
Yeah.
Like I don't you know, I remember I had a friend asked me, asked me like how much I spent on my apartment.
Oh yeah.
I was like, Oh, like I just, I didn't really want to talk about it.
And you know, sometimes people might want to talk about it.
I don't know.
I just, I didn't feel like revealing it.
And, um, and yeah, I was like, Oh, and she could.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So yeah, it's interesting that can happen.
Anything else you want to add here, Lindsay?
Any other ideas?
This is huge for connection.
I think sometimes part of connection is just a gesture towards showing that you're aware of something.
Yep.
Right.
It's not even so much about the word you use.
You're just showing that you have an awareness and that can go a long way.
And I think this is one of those scenarios.
Right.
So Michelle, let's do some role plays.
All right.
All right.
So here in the first role play, I want to ask you a question about politics.
Yes.
Another one.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And that wasn't even on our list, money, sex, religion, but it should be.
Yeah.
This is right now.
This is really intense too.
Okay.
Here we go.
So do you mind if I ask you a kind of taboo question?
Let me know if it's too personal.
Oh, okay, sure.
What's your question?
Who did you vote for in the past election?
Oh, I don't mind if you ask that.
Or you could have just said, did you vote?
Did you vote?
Oh, I misread that.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
Did you vote?
Or even more so.
Who did you vote for that, Stephen?
That's getting... We upped it a little bit there.
Yeah, that's really direct.
That's interesting.
We haven't quite talked about that, but we really don't directly ask someone who they voted for, do we?
No.
Yeah.
I mean, that's why when you go into vote, you have the booths with the car.
I remember thinking when I was a kid, when we used to do mock elections in elementary school, it was strange why they have this curtain and you have to go into this space with a curtain.
I was like, why is this, why is there a curtain?
Like I'm not changing like what's happening in a dressing room.
Yeah.
It's very private.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's really interesting.
Yeah.
So, yeah, I mean, here you acknowledged you said, do you mind if I ask you a kind of taboo question?
So, you know, you're showing that knowledge.
And then you said you gave me an out.
You said, let me know if it's too personal.
Yeah, it's all about giving the person an out.
Right.
OK, you want to do another?
Let's do one more.
So here I want to ask you a question about religion.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
Here we go.
This may or may not be okay to ask, but did you grow up very religious?
Oh, that's okay.
Not too religious, but I did celebrate major holidays.
Yeah.
And I mean it is possible that even if you are like, if you have are from the same background, that you might, if you want, might want to ask a question like this, but if you use like, if you use some sort of buffer like this um, it's just showing like.
I don't know how you feel talking about this, but you know really good.
These are great examples.
And again, I think this is just about showing awareness that builds the connection right there.
And it gives you a level of protection.
I think what we just want to avoid here is just coming out and saying it Michelle, who'd you vote for in the last election?
Right.
That's it.
Right.
That's what we're trying to avoid here in today's episode.
Right.
Right.
Exactly.
So, I mean, I think it also just comes down to don't ask like truly private questions.
I mean again, maybe you, if you genuinely are totally on the fence and you're not sure if it's OK to ask someone something, that this is for those time.
But if it's like a like about someone's sex life or something like that, that's where it.
That's, it's like, you know, obviously use your judgment.
And again, maybe you truly don't know.
And that's when it's okay to use these expressions.
Right.
And then of course, there's always subcultures within the culture we're in, right?
Within American culture, there's subcultures where certain things are accepted to talk about.
So there's a lot here, but this is absolutely a connection skill.
Michelle, any final message for our listeners?
Don't be afraid.
I mean, this is I think I just think just taking that step.
And I think it shows self confidence that you are willing to ask, you are willing to take a little bit of a risk.
And you're still showing like, no, I'm respecting your culture.
I just I'm truly not sure.
So it shows OK, if you don't feel comfortable like, even if you don't say it out right, like in some of our examples it just acknowledging that it could be taboo does give that person the space to say oh yeah, typically we don't talk about that.
Yeah, I agree with you.
It shows kind of a sense of self-consciousness and humility to self-awareness, humility.
Um, which are all good ways to build connection.
So even if they say no, the connection might be stronger because you prefaced it that way.
Right.
Before you ask the question.
Yeah.
Right.
You were.
Yeah, exactly.
I, yeah, I love that.
So, um, yeah, Lindsay, I'm glad we talked about this today and, um, Yeah.
I won't ask you any taboo questions.
No, I was like, is she going to come up with a very taboo question?
No, no, no.
What if I just like right at the end was like, tell me about your sex life or something.
Yeah.
So funny.
All right.
We won't go into that today, Michelle.
Have a good rest of your day.
And I'll talk to you soon.
All right.
Bye, Lindsay.
Bye, guys.
Bye.
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