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Episode 2508 Dating Advice How to Turn Down an Invitation with Kindness.
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Do you sometimes get invited out on a date but are not sure how to respond if you're not interested?
Today.
Get the four elements of what you should say to turn someone down with respect and connection.
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Michelle, how are you today?
How's it going?
I'm good.
Lindsay, how are you?
Good.
What are we getting into on the show for our listeners today?
Yeah, this is an interesting topic.
Lindsay, did someone ever ask you out on a date and you weren't interested?
Yes, it's happened.
And I know that I've been on the other side because I remember in middle school I asked out this kid.
His name was Nick something.
Nick Anko was his name.
And I was so embarrassed because I wanted to go to the Sadie Hawkins dance with him.
And I was so excited and I was sure he was going to say yes.
And then he said no, but the reason he gave me that he couldn't go, he told me how to get his blood thickened.
What?
Yeah.
He said, no, I can't go because I have to get my blood thickened that day.
Well, that's...
That's a very interesting, like you're either very sick or you're making up a weird excuse.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, okay.
Hope he's okay.
Yeah.
I hope he's okay.
So yeah, this is uncomfortable, no matter what.
Having to turn someone down or, of course, being on the other side, can be humiliating as well.
So we want to spare people's feelings.
Right, exactly.
So we're getting into this today because we have a really good listener question about this.
This comes to us from YouTube from Maroa9748.
So I'll just read it.
It says, Hi, Lindsay and Michelle.
How about ways to politely or diplomatically decline an invitation, in particular a dating invitation?
Ooh.
Love it.
Love the question.
At some point, we all have to do this, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
The point is like putting good karma out into the world, treating people with respect.
It's a big deal if someone stands up and asks you out on a date, right?
Right.
Yeah.
So this is an important topic.
Really great question.
I mean, Lindsay, honestly, do you think most native speakers have this skill mastered?
No way.
Definitely not.
They're very awkward.
So this is something we're all learning together, right?
Right.
Exactly.
So even native speakers, right?
No matter if you know the language perfectly and you're extremely fluent, this is never easy, in my opinion.
A hundred percent.
But we like to steer through the difficult scenarios and the easy ones here on All Ears English for our listeners.
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That's right.
So, all right, so let's get into it.
So the most important thing to remember is that you don't ever have to go out with anyone you don't want to.
Right.
Yes.
Of course, we have different things in different cultures.
And so but we're just talking about, you know, our experiences here.
If you don't want to, you should not just say yes to be polite.
You should not force yourself.
Yes, I totally agree, Michelle.
So we need the skills to do it.
Right.
So, Michelle, if someone asks you on a date and you just really aren't interested, what can you say?
Yeah.
So I tried to break this down.
That kind of reminds me of our last episode, um, into a few steps.
So of course, okay.
Like it also depends.
Is this person a respectful person, a nice person, or is this kind of someone on the street or you meet at a bar who's being, you know, a little, a little, forceful?
Right.
Um, If this is a nice person who maybe there you can tell they've worked up the courage to ask you.
Right.
You know, I would say the first thing is to acknowledge or to thank them.
Right.
So you don't have to make a big deal out of it.
You don't owe this person.
But again, if it's a nice person, you just don't feel chemistry with and you want to be polite.
Right.
And as the listener asked about, so you can be great, graceful and kind.
And that person did just put themselves out there to ask you out.
And that can be scary as well.
So, like Lindsay was talking about, you know you have to put yourself kind of in their shoes as well.
For sure.
So we want to make sure we respond with kindness.
So saying something like, thanks so much for asking me, or I'm so flattered.
I mean, that is a good one because it is flattering when someone asks you out.
If you weren't aware that they liked you or that kind of thing, it's flattering for sure.
But then there's the signal word.
That's, I'm going to call it the lowering of the boom.
Lower the boom.
That's kind of when you get to the hard part, right?
There's a truth.
There's a but coming.
You know, you can hear in the tone of voice that there's a but coming, right?
Yes, exactly.
So there are certain words, certain keywords.
But is one of them.
Unfortunately is another.
And truthfully.
And then the tone of voice changes.
Right?
Yeah.
Right.
So it's kind of like, oh, I'm so flattered.
Unfortunately, right?
Yes.
Yes.
There's a real change there.
Right.
So, I mean, Lindsay, so far we're kind of laying the groundwork, right, for a rejection.
Sure.
And it's difficult.
Yeah.
I mean, I don't know.
In life, sometimes there are moments where when we have to be honest, right?
And honesty is the kindest thing to do, right?
So that's why we're learning the key words here to make sure we don't hurt the person and maybe even stay friends with them, right?
True.
But yeah, there are just moments where we have to be honest sometimes.
Yeah, exactly.
And after the break, we're going to move on to the hardest part.
Okay, here we go.
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Okay, what is the hardest part, Michelle?
All right, so this is getting... Now we've laid the groundwork.
Now we're getting into the meat of it, the actual rejection.
You know, what can you say?
So remember, you need something from before the break, one of the things we talked about.
And then here are some different things you could say.
So one is, I'm not really looking to date right now.
Hmm.
And be careful with this one because then if next week you're going out with someone else.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Try and just use this if it's true.
If it's really true and you're actually sticking to that for a while.
I'm really happy we're friends and I think we work well that way.
A lot of W's there.
We work well that way.
We work that way.
That's funny.
Or you couldn't say, oh, I really enjoy our friendship.
Or I'm seeing someone now.
If that's true, don't lie.
Uh, because you'll always be caught in that lie.
Right.
Um, but if it's true, I'm, I'm seeing someone now that that's just honest.
Right.
I mean, and you could also just say I'm not available, or you could.
The most direct would be I'm, I'm not interested.
Right.
Anything else you might say?
Yeah, we can add that to the list.
I'm just, I like, I'm not interested.
Um, I'm not available.
Yeah.
I think we covered it, Michelle.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Um And then so.
So now that we've gotten through the really hard part, now we can kind of close it out.
So what could you say?
You could say something like, but thanks for thinking of me.
But I appreciate the invitation.
Right.
That sort of thing.
Just finishing it on a positive note.
Again, kindness, respect.
Right.
I mean, again, it's so hard to reject someone, but it does happen all the time.
I mean, any any I mean. it's a part of life, unfortunately, and everybody goes through it.
And you know, I also think it's important not to make it seem too much like you're pitying the person, right.
Yeah.
You don't want to make it such so overly polite that it sounds like almost it gets obnoxious, right?
Because if you say like, Oh, I'm really, really sorry.
I know.
Like I've, Yeah, that's too much.
That's obnoxious.
Self-indulgent, a little self-indulgent.
Right, exactly.
Just, you know, be very matter of fact.
I mean, be kind, but you don't have to, I mean, you know, they'll get over, they will get over.
Yeah, for sure.
And as much as you can have this conversation in person, the better.
I mean, I know a lot of times what happens in New York in the dating world is you like to hide with someone and then you know someone will ask someone out for the next date and then there'll be that rejection by text.
And that's kind of hard.
So I don't know.
I guess that's appropriate after one date.
You're not necessarily going to get together and do the breakup speech after one day, but the more we can have these in person, the more we can maintain our humanity and their connection with other human beings.
Right.
Yeah.
Right.
Right.
Um, should we do a role play?
Yeah, let's do it.
So here, uh, uh, so we are friends.
I am going to ask you out.
Okay.
I'm flattered, Michelle, but I'm actually married.
I was like, this is going interesting roleplay, but there was nothing else I could do.
I love it.
I love it.
Let's do it.
Let's go for it.
All right.
Here we go.
All right.
Okay.
So are you free Friday night for dinner and a movie?
Oh, wow.
I'm so flattered.
So what do you say?
Well, truthfully, I'm really happy we're friends.
I think we work well that way, but thanks for thinking of me.
Okay.
I understand.
Oh, Michelle rejected.
Boom.
Oh, man.
That's hilarious.
I love it.
Um, good stuff here.
So we brought in all the elements, Michelle, what do we say first?
So, uh, I asked you and then you said, Oh wow, I'm so flattered.
And then you stopped, right?
And then, and then you actually came back and then, so a little, and you said, so what do you think?
What do you say?
What do you, and that's a bonus for today.
What do you say?
What do you say?
What do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, we could do another episode, Michelle on that.
Um, you know, What do you think?
What do you say?
Uh, and then I said, well, truthfully, and here's the pivot right into kind of the bad news.
I'm really happy we're friends and I think we work well that way.
It's a little indirect, right?
Cause I'm not directly saying, no, I don't want to date you.
I'm saying, um, I think we should be friends, right?
But it's good.
And then the kindness at the end, but thanks for thinking of me.
Right.
Yeah.
Oh um, so i think after this, i'm gonna have to be a trooper right, big time.
A trooper we talked about a trooper, and this was episode 2495 is being a trooper, praised in your culture.
So guys go check out that episode.
Yes, yeah.
So takeaways for today.
Oh man, there's no easy way to do this, i think.
If you honestly, i think, if you don't, if you, if this is too easy for you um maybe maybe, need to check the feelings department.
I can't imagine this being easy for anyone.
No, it never is because we're humans and we have this, uh, we have the mirror neurons that come up.
I mean, you know, when you watch a movie and someone gets hurt, then you feel a pang of Oh, that kind of hurt in your body.
It's the same thing that we feel, the empathy, the mirror neurons that we know we could be in this position forever, next year, asking someone we really have a crush on out, and then they reject us.
So this is very human.
So treating the person with kindness and respect is the key here.
This is what this is about, right?
Yeah, absolutely.
All right.
Well, I'm glad that we talked about this and guys, good luck in your dating lives.
Yeah.
Good stuff today, Michelle.
Talk to you soon.
Have a good one.
Bye.
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