This is an All Ears English podcast episode 2502.
Does don't ask really mean don't ask?
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What does it mean when you ask someone how they are doing and they say, don't ask?
Today, we'll share three conversation openers that are ideal for building connections.
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We're all out of the ordinary.
Hi, Aubrey.
Hey, Aubrey.
So how was your weekend?
Don't ask.
Oh, no.
Everything okay?
Yes, it was actually fun and fine, but we had to use don't ask.
I do say this a lot if things are going poorly or if I'm upset with my kids and someone will be like how are the kids?
Don't ask.
Don't ask.
Yeah, so today we're going to be talking about this.
Guys, I am so excited to be recording with Aubrey today.
Lindsay is on vacation.
She will be back soon.
So we're looking forward to having her back and hearing about her trip.
Aubrey, we're going to have some fun today.
This is a fun topic.
It came up because I realized that I say this, I hear it.
So this is saying don't ask.
We're going to talk about this today.
It's a common way to express yourself.
When someone asks you a question that you might have an extensive or stressful answer for.
So, Aubrey, do you use don't ask?
Yes.
And what's interesting is I will say don't ask.
But I never leave it at that.
I won't be like, don't ask.
And then we move on.
I always am going to say, don't ask.
And then I'm actually going to tell them, like, don't ask.
My kid got in a car accident and, you know, whatever.
I'll share why.
So, you know, what was upsetting?
What happened that made it bad?
Right.
Would you ever just say don't ask and then leave it?
Well, what's interesting is I may.
Who knows?
Maybe I would.
But then, like, if we go back to this role play from the beginning, you said, oh, don't ask.
And then what did I do?
I asked because.
When somebody says don't ask, they don't... It's like an invitation to actually talk about it.
Yeah, that's so interesting.
If you don't want to talk about it, you'll just say it was fine.
Right.
So funny.
So you don't really mean don't ask.
It could actually be more of an opener.
It's just kind of saying...
It's just letting the person know that there's a story coming.
There's some stress.
The topic is stressful or it may be even funny.
Maybe it's chaotic.
Maybe just a lot to explain.
That is fascinating that it The last thing it means is don't ask.
It means like, yes, ask me and I'm going to tell you things were terrible.
Yes, exactly.
I mean, you have to read the person.
I mean, perhaps if they're using a different tone of voice, maybe they...
But like usually they would change the subject away.
Right.
If I were like, don't ask.
What about you?
How are things going for you?
And I'm right.
Clearly don't want to talk about it.
Maybe.
Right.
So that I mean, that could happen.
So you have to read the person and see if it seems like they are they really don't want to ask.
Maybe they don't want to talk about it.
They've changed it towards you.
Or if they're using it as an opener, it's kind of like saying, have I got a story for you?
Exactly.
Hope you have a few minutes because I have a lot to vent.
Yes.
Sit down.
Right.
So, yeah, guys, we're going to talk about this today.
This is super fun.
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It is.
It is.
So Aubrey, let's do some examples.
We have a couple of mini role plays to start us out.
Okay, perfect.
Michelle, how's busy season going for you?
Oh, Aubrey, don't ask.
It's a mess.
My accounts are all over the place and my deadlines are extremely tight.
Oh, gosh.
Anything I can do to help?
Okay.
This.
Actually I have this exact conversation often with a friend of mine in you know, the first part of the year, who's an accountant.
We play volleyball together and I'll say, how's it going?
How's work?
Don't ask.
It's so hectic.
Yes, exactly.
Or here's another one.
How was the party?
Don't ask, Michelle.
It was great, but my house is a huge mess.
Right.
So maybe you're not going to launch into a huge story, but it's just this way of saying oh, it was crazy, right.
There's craziness going on or the result is.
A little bit of a mess, right?
Like your house.
Yeah, I definitely use this the most often.
I mean, it's pretty extreme, right?
Something really bad would have need to happen.
You'd never use this if it was positive, right?
It's like something happened that like it's worth telling a story.
Right.
Or it's just, ugh, I can't.
It's like I can't even get into everything.
That's another possibility.
But it's not going to be... how was your vacation?
Don't ask.
It was wonderful.
We had a great time and, and I feel so relaxed right there.
It's, it's.
It's kind of humorous, a little sarcastic feeling, and the intonation is important, right.
We really hit it pretty hard.
Don't ask.
Yes.
Right.
We're definitely sharing with our facial cues and our intonation that like something terrible happened.
Right.
Because if you are actually to say this, if you were to not have kind of that fun, intonation could maybe even sound rude if somebody just say oh, how was it?
Don't ask.
Don't ask.
And then just walk away.
Yeah.
So it doesn't work.
But this way, don't ask, right?
Be a little dramatic.
Use your acting abilities.
So it shows it's emphatic.
It can be humorous.
It just kind of. shows your mood.
So there's really a lot here.
And it makes it a great connection moment where, instead of just saying it was terrible and going into all of the awful things, you're still kind of lightening it, making it more fun.
Don't ask.
And then being dramatic about whatever happened that was negative.
Exactly, exactly.
Don't ask.
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We're all out of the ordinary.
All right, Aubrey.
So there are some similar ways that we can open these types of stories or these interactions if we want to stick with the more humorous way.
Aubrey, what's the first one?
Yeah.
For example, you don't want to know or are you sure you want to know?
I use this one a lot, too.
Very similar to don't ask.
You don't want to know.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, for example, I could say, oh, Aubrey, how was the cake you made?
You don't want to know.
I totally botched it.
Oh, no.
I've done that before.
Me too.
Did you ever try it?
I made an angel food cake.
When I was younger, for some reason, I had this obsession with angel food cakes.
I did too.
I still love angel food cake.
I haven't had it in so long.
I never see it anywhere.
But my friend and I tried to make just a mix from the box and you don't want to know.
It's not the easiest cake to make, right?
You have to like beat egg whites and it has to be really light and fluffy, and It could be ruined very easily, for sure.
Yeah, exactly.
That was me when I made flan the first time I made flan and it didn't set right.
I don't, I'm not sure what I did wrong, but it was just like a pool of goo.
Oh no, a pool of goo.
It happens.
Yeah, it happens.
It happens.
Another thing you could say is it's a long story, right?
And that's saying there's a lot to it.
But it's usually not just some sort of.
When you say it's a long story, you're not really necessarily saying oh, it's a long happy story with not much.
You know, it's kind of there's a lot there.
Yes, it's negative for sure.
It's like there was a lot happened and most of it was not positive.
Maybe we don't have time to get into it right now.
All right.
Let's do a little mini role play here, too.
How do your meeting go with the realtor?
Oh, Aubrey, it's a long story.
Not so well.
But what am I probably going to do now?
Share at least some of the details.
Exactly.
Often I feel like with all of these phrases, it would feel strange if someone used one of them and then either changed the subject or walked away.
I do feel like they're openers.
I feel like it's an invitation to connect, to make sure that the person really wants to hear this story.
Because I could say...
Right after you say, oh, it's a long story, not so well.
If I pivot away because either we don't have time or I don't want to hear it, then you know you're sort of testing the water.
Like, do you really want the details?
Right.
Yes, exactly.
It's interesting because you're You really do have to have kind of an extra sense to really read that person and see because maybe they are using it as an invitation and then you're just like, oh, okay, look over there.
Let's talk about something else.
And they're kind of left, oh, wait, I actually –
I actually did want to talk about it.
Yes.
And I actually have a little side question here.
Michelle, do you say realtor or realtor?
Oh, that is a good side question.
I say realtor.
I do too.
But I know a lot of people who make it three syllables and say realtor.
And more and more I'm finding it's like a pet peeve for some people.
If so, like the way someone pronounces it, people get really passionate about it.
Should be pronounced this way and everything else is wrong.
It's one of those funny things about regional dialects in the US.
We could do a whole episode about that.
I think we've done things before, but yeah there's, there's so much of that.
But yeah, I say realtor.
Me too.
Um, But Aubrey, how would you use this, you know, one of these phrases?
I mean, Can you think of a way that you might use this in your daily life?
Absolutely.
I feel like I say all three of these often.
And I think a lot of it is sort of trying to respect the connection you have with someone, making sure they really do want to hear the details.
If you're close and you want to be honest.
You're not just going to say it was fine if it wasn't.
Right.
Right.
But you also, instead of diving right into all the details, you can use one of these to sort of give them the chance to ask a follow up, to find out if they really want to know details.
That's funny.
Yeah, I think that I, yeah, I think I would use these.
I could use any of these on any day.
Right.
But certainly with my kids.
I think you know as a parent and Aubrey, you have four kids, so I'm sure this can come up all the time.
Oh don't ask like that dinner was a disaster, or there was pasta all over the floor, or you know.
There's so much where I could say oh, don't ask.
Or with work.
Last summer.
This is a little peek behind the scenes.
I was up in Idaho and trying to record with Lindsay and everything that could go wrong went wrong.
There was an explosion in the outlet.
Like this little fire, I don't know, it like shorted out the cord.
It ruined my power cord.
It ruined a bunch of things.
And then I had to replace the outlet because my parents were out of town, which I had never done before.
And then there were Wi-Fi issues.
I had to like call and have them boost the service because the Wi-Fi wasn't enough.
And then the air conditioning wasn't working.
And even though it's cooler in Idaho, it's still really warm during the day.
So if you look back at those YouTube videos, I'm probably like sweating.
So if someone asked me about how was recording today, I'd have been like, don't ask.
It's a long story.
Yeah.
Yep.
Exactly.
Sometimes my dad, as a joke, will say to me oh, aren't you going to ask me about like, how my lunch went, or something like he'll say something and I'll say Oh, how was it?
And then he goes, don't ask.
That's actually a really good joke.
Yeah.
I like that.
Don't ask.
Don't ask me about this.
Oh, don't.
I'm going to start doing that to my kids.
They're going to love that joke.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Um, so, but let's put this together in a role play.
So here we are meeting after summer break.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'll start us out.
So how was your summer?
Oh, don't ask.
It was good but just so chaotic.
Really?
What happened?
Are you sure you want to know?
I think so.
It's a long story.
Sit down.
Let's catch up.
Okay, I've got time.
Yeah, I love this.
It's interesting how you're really not respecting the connection with someone sometimes if you dive right in with a lot of negative details about something when you maybe don't know how much time you have or if they really want to hear it.
These phrases are great for, like Testing the connection and finding out if they really have time and if they really want to hear it.
Yeah, that's good.
Yeah.
These are just really good openers.
They're preparing the listener.
Like I've given you multiple opportunities.
Right.
You're giving me some outs here.
I could take one of them.
You know what?
Let's go to lunch instead and talk about something else.
Yeah.
Okay.
Maybe another time we'll talk about this.
Yeah.
So yeah, let's go through this.
First, you said, I asked how your summer was and you said, don't ask.
It was good, but just so chaotic.
So you're like trying to look at the bright side, but like there was a lot of chaos.
Right.
So I didn't jump into my story, but I tested you.
I gave you a little taste.
And then you asked what happened and I said, are you sure you want to know?
Right.
Another chance to say like, maybe I'm not actually.
But I think so.
I kind of love that response.
Like, well, how bad was it?
I think so.
Right.
Right.
And then I said, it's a long story.
Sit down.
Let's catch up.
It's also interesting to think about.
If you say all of this, you better have a pretty good story, right.
If then you're just like, oh, you know, we went camping a couple times.
It was busy.
All this buildup.
There's been a lot of buildup and it would definitely be weird if there wasn't something.
Yeah.
It's like when you overhype a movie to someone and then they watch it and they're like it wasn't that great because you hyped it up so much.
Right.
Same thing with this.
Like you're going to want to use these if you really do have an interesting story or something really did go poorly.
Right.
Right, exactly.
So funny.
So guys, also check out, we did an episode on a Saturday.
It was called How to Share What You've Been Through in English.
So another good one to look into, to listen to.
Aubrey, what do you want to, what should we leave our listeners with?
Yeah, it's interesting.
That would be a perfect episode.
For after these, right?
You have these openers.
And then how do you get deeper?
How do you share what you've been through?
What happened?
Right?
What a great opportunity for connection.
To have the opening, respect the relationship.
Give them a chance to get to that out they might need.
And then use this to get deeper, to vent.
Sometimes that's the best friendships when you're able to vent when things don't go well.
Yes, excellent.
All right.
Great point, Aubrey.
This was so much fun.
And guys, see if you can use this today.
And yeah, let us know how it goes.
Awesome.
Thanks, Michelle.
So fun always recording with you.
I'll see you next time.
You too.
Bye.
Bye, guys.
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