This is an All-Ears English Podcast episode 2257.
Let's bury the hatchet.
How to end an argument in English.
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Do you frequently argue with friends, family, or romantic partners?
Today, we are going to share different ways to talk about getting past the argument in English.
And you'll hear what Michelle and Lindsay feel about holding grudges.
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Hello, Michelle. How you doing today?
Hi, Lindsay. I'm good. I'm in another location today.
We've been all around in my topsy-turvy summer.
Topsy-turvy summer. Guys, if you missed that episode, we did an episode about Michelle's topsy-turvy summer.
If you're not sure what that word means, go and find that other episode, right, Michelle?
Definitely, definitely.
But Lindsay, I want to ask you a question.
OK. This is the tough one.
Have you gotten into any big arguments in your life?
Oh, yeah. Absolutely. So, I mean, luckily right now, there's nothing huge, like life-changing, life-shaking argument that comes to mind.
But, you know, for example, with my brother, I guess, we have gotten into some arguments over the last couple of years as we've been in close touch dealing with family stuff.
Yeah. Oh, that, yep. That'll do.
That's a common argument.
Yeah, I think everybody gets into, I mean, don't they say that if you don't argue with your partner that usually that's not a good thing because you're having things in or whatever?
Yeah. So, it's a natural part of life.
But today, we're not going to talk about the argument part.
We're going to talk about the nice part of getting past the argument and healing those relationships, because that's the best part, of course.
And actually, just a few days ago, over the weekend, on our sassy Saturdays, we did all these English.
Do you bigger with your family members?
Yes. Go and listen to that one.
You can learn a little bit more about arguments.
But today, we're not talking about arguing.
Yeah, guys, don't forget that we publish on Saturdays now.
Sassy Saturdays. So, go over and find those Saturday episodes.
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All right. That's right.
OK. All right. So, Lindsay, what do you think are some of the top things people argue about?
Oh, my gosh. Money for sure.
Money number one. Yeah, that's what I've heard.
Is especially in romantic relationships, it's money is the number one thing.
Also, I would say politics, right?
That's probably at the top, especially.
Well, I can't even say especially now because I feel like since 2016, before it's been politics.
But I mean, what else do people argue about?
I think they probably argue about their kids, family.
That sort of thing, the right way, the right choices to make for their kids and their family.
Or maybe about their aging parents, right?
In many cases, aging parents, and especially, I think around the world, this happens more than in the US aging parents might be living with you.
Right. So, multi-generational families, these could be sources of arguments, for sure.
What's the best thing to do for this person?
Right. Yeah, exactly, exactly.
So, but again, today we are going to talk about getting passed an argument with someone.
Yes, so once you got all the nasty stuff out, and what are we going to do next?
Yeah. So, let's go through with some of this vocabulary, Lindsay.
What's the first one? Okay, so the first one is to make up, right?
So, this is broad, and it just means to say everything is okay now, right?
To end the argument. It's kind of a benchmark and say, okay, at this point, we have like, we're okay, right?
The fight happened and we're okay now.
Right. Right, exactly.
So, do we have an example of that?
Here's one, they fought for weeks, but they finally made up when their friend forced them to talk, right?
And this could be for families, partners, teenagers, and school.
It could be for any kind of relationship.
Not so much for business, though.
Would you say if there's some kind of argument, it's not the same thing, it's too personal.
No, yeah, makeup is very personal.
First sounding. Friend, romantic partner, family member, but yeah, not really, I work, that's an interesting point.
That is interesting. I wonder what it would be at work.
I'm not sure, maybe we'll explore that on Business English another day, right?
Yeah, that would be good.
Yeah, cool. Okay. This one I think could work for the workplace is to bury the hatchet.
Ooh, what does that mean?
What is a hatchet? Is a hatchet like a hammer?
What is a hatchet? I know, I was just thinking that too.
I think of it as like an ax.
Yeah, yeah, I think it's a small hatchet.
I'm looking at handheld axes as far as I know.
So that sounds kind of crazy.
Why are we talking about axes here?
We're not talking about physical violence, okay?
That's the first thing you don't know.
To me, this is a more, well, I mean, it is more metaphorical.
I guess this comes from this idea that the hatchet is the weapon, the arguing, right?
And so if you're burying it, you're just, it's still there, but you're just putting it away and you're basically, yeah, it's dead.
Yeah, you're burying the argument.
It's probably a very old expression.
You could look up the etymology of this.
I don't know what it is, but it, we do still use this in American English.
It's really interesting, even though it just feels very archaic, doesn't it?
Right. Yeah, it does. So you could say, I don't want to fight anymore.
Can we just bury the hatchet?
Yeah, and I could totally see saying this to a romantic partner at home, right?
Let's say you've been fighting for a week straight at every night at dinner.
It's like, you know, Addy does are others' throats, right?
And then finally, can we just bury the hatchet please?
And we understand what that means, guys.
So the native English here, really slang-y English, all right?
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OK, next one is good. Make peace.
Simple, right? Meaning is obvious.
Right, Michelle? Yeah.
We're making peace. Yeah.
The siblings made peace at the family reunion after four years of not talking.
Ooh. Wow. Oh my gosh, yeah.
I was in a group of friends last night and people were talking about long time arguments they have with their siblings.
And I couldn't believe it.
It just strikes me. And some people will go for years and years without talking to family members, siblings, that kind of thing.
And it's so crazy. I can't even imagine.
Yeah, there are some family members of mine who have that kind of relationship with their siblings.
It's not with my sibling, but it's very sad to me.
And I feel I can't imagine that ever happening with my brother.
That's what I think too.
But yeah, it's just crazy.
It's like 20 years, you know, and just not talking.
It's wild. It's wild. So anyways, the next one, this one's good.
Forgiven, forget. Also very personal, right?
Pretty personal. This wouldn't be something I would say to a business colleague.
Let's forgive and forget.
Because usually in business, you don't really get that hurt.
You know what I mean? You don't get hurt.
Right. Right, right, right.
Yeah, this would be a little too vulnerable for the workplace.
Too vulnerable. Yeah. For example, let's forgive and forget.
It's not worth fighting anymore.
Okay. Good. Right. But sometimes, do you have a hair or someone say, I can forgive, but I can never forget.
Gosh. I think it's a one set.
That's me. I'd roll my eyes a little bit.
Because then at that point, it's that person's problem.
Right. That means they're holding a grudge.
They're holding a grudge, which is actually way more painful for the person holding the grudge than the other person who's probably moved on.
I mean, you want to that.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But sometimes people have that feeling of, okay, maybe, you know, we'll get past this this time, but I'm like, it's, I always, I'm going to keep it with me because it's almost feels like you're tallying up mistakes the other person has made.
Yeah. Right. I don't know.
Yeah. It's dangerous. It's better for you as a person who's been hurt, honestly.
I mean, why do you think people fight for a long time?
Why is it a certain personality type?
Is it, or is it something else?
I do think there's a bit of a personality type.
Some people, I mean, some people do, I hate to say it, maybe craves the drama.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure.
Yeah. I mean, it's exciting to fight, right?
And not in a good way for me.
It just makes me very upset.
I remember fighting with a friend in college a few times and I felt almost sick to my stomach when it would happen.
Yeah. When something isn't right between like with a friend or someone, I just, I don't feel right.
Even with my son, if I feel like, if I'm like he's unhappy with me or were just, I, my soul feels different.
100%. I feel exactly the same way.
It's just, you can't move on with your life in a normal way.
It's just, you want to move on.
Yeah. And I think people, hey, I think it's ego.
Yeah. I think it's ego. The ego loves drama.
Yeah. And when people are just kind of focused on the wrong things, wanting to stay engaged with that drama is pretty toxic, right, Michelle?
Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely.
Absolutely. And then here's a little bonus one is life is too short.
Yes. So this is very common.
Lindsay, tell us about this one.
Oh, you hear this a lot, you know, you hear this a lot in response to when someone has, is trying to say why they're not going to hang on to something.
You know, let's just move on.
Life is too short. You know, or sometimes you say you see life is short.
Let's take that vacation to New Zealand or something.
Right. Life is short. Eat the cake.
Yeah. Yeah. I always look at the cake.
Black or something. Oh, I always look at the cake.
Right. Yeah. So we could do a whole episode on life is too short.
Too short because that's pretty common.
But yeah. So should we do a role play?
Yeah, let's do a role play.
So here you and I are friends.
But we haven't spoken in two weeks because we had an argument two weeks ago.
Oh, yeah. So I would also be having not a good, yeah, physical, I'd be having a physical response probably in some way.
And it's almost like your, your lizard brain comes out, you know, it's not good.
It's not a good feeling.
So here we go. Not. Okay, Michelle.
Okay. I really want to make peace now.
It just isn't worth it. We are such close friends.
I know, I'm just still getting over everything that happened, but I want to make up to, it just takes time.
I know. Life is too short to fight though.
Can we just bury the hatchet?
Hmm. Okay. Let's just forgive and forget.
Great. Okay. So it sounds like probably I did something to you, right?
Yeah. There was some kind of argument.
Maybe I wanted to date with your boyfriend or something.
I don't know. That's something really bad.
And yeah. So let's go back through it.
Here we go, Michelle. Okay.
What did you say? What did I say first?
You said I really want to make peace.
Mm-hmm. So yes. You want to get past the argument.
Yes. And then you said, I know, I'm just still getting over everything that happened, but I want to make up too, right?
Mm-hmm. And then we had our little bonus, you said, life is too short to fight though.
And then you said, can we just bury the hatchet?
Yeah. Can we just bury the hatchet?
And that is that weird archaic one that we don't know why we're still using that, but we are.
Oh, wow. And then you said, hmm.
Okay. Let's just forgive and forget.
So clearly you were ready.
You wanted to, but you were still kind of hanging on.
So I had to come to you as a here's the deal.
You know, let's get past this, right?
Sometimes it, there is a physical response that is necessary to be able to get over something.
Do you ever, I'm not sure that I'm articulating myself correctly here, but basically, do you ever, if you get disturbed or angry or something, do you sometimes feel you want to, but your body is biologically not letting you, it is not ready to move on?
Yeah. Probably. Not even just for an argument, but maybe just something that is something troubling that happened.
And yeah, maybe something disturbing or even just a little something and you just need to, you know that you know that it's not that serious and you know that you will get past it, but your body has some sort of, I think I read somewhere that the body takes a few minutes to get over from being angry.
Sometimes I feel like my mind wants to get past something, but my body isn't there.
That's how strange. Completely.
I think it's probably adrenaline and other hormones that get pumped into your body and, you know, historically that's the hormones we needed to be able to, and neurotransmitters to be able to run from the lion, you know, like that.
Yeah, always comes back to evolutionary psychology, right?
Right. Right. But that's almost feels like you have to come, it almost feels like you have to like come down from that.
Yeah. If you're at this heightened place, then your body is slowly coming down and you know, okay, I'm going to feel in a sec, okay, in a second, I just need that time.
Totally. 100%. Yeah. And there are some practices like deep breathing, which will bring out the parasympathetic nervous system, right?
Because the sympathetic nervous system is what gets the brain wired up and going and responding.
And then the parasympathetic brings it down from what I, from my lay knowledge of brain temperature, that kind of thing.
Yeah. Right. So just love breathing, lowering, like the temperature, right?
In that way that could strategically.
Yeah. But maybe it's the next day.
Maybe it's the next week, right?
Maybe you're just not there yet, too.
That's another thing as well.
And that's okay. As long as you eventually get there for your own good, rather than the other person's good.
Yeah. Exactly. You're not holding on to it.
It's different to like just need a second to kind of bring it back down rather than to just say, no, I'm not even going to try.
I'm holding on to this. Yeah.
Exactly. And also for connection.
So it is for the other person.
It's for the two of you. And guys, just to remind you, you know, this is not, these phrases are not really for business.
They're two personal. They're showing too much vulnerability that you've been hurt by the person in that really.
It's not the same in a business setting to show that vulnerability.
So maybe another day will show you what you would say in business.
That could be super interesting, Michelle.
That is a great idea. Yeah.
I will get on that. Make sure you guys are following the business English podcast.
Yeah. We'll see you over there.
Michelle, thanks for being on the show today and teaching us these phrases today.
Very good stuff. Thank you.
All right. Bye guys. Take care.
Bye. Thanks for listening to all ears.
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