This is an All Ears English podcast, episode 2154.
Never arrive empty-handed.
American party etiquette.
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What are the two things that you must remember when you attend a party in the United States?
Today, learn the things that you should not do if you want to make a connection with the host of the party.
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Hey, Michelle, how's everything going today?
Hey, Lindsay.
Good.
We haven't recorded in a while, so I haven't seen you and I'm excited to record again today.
Me too.
I'm always happy to get on the microphone for our listeners and to connect with you here, Michelle.
But now that we've gotten through the holidays, we're past that big part of the year.
I have a question for you today.
Are you ready?
Yeah.
Okay.
So did you go to any big holiday parties this year?
Did I go to any big holiday parties this year?
I actually don't.
Did you avoid them at all costs?
No, I didn't.
But we were we were sick.
Yeah, one like Dan took my son to because the baby was sick.
So we were home and like it's just a lot of sickness going around.
So I actually didn't really go to too many holiday parties.
What about you?
Well, we hosted an ugly sweater party.
So that was kind of fun.
But I think that's the only one that I actually went to other than family stuff in New England.
Yeah, so not a ton of holiday partying this year for me.
Yeah, me too.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, well, that's okay.
So guys, we are going to talk about holiday parties though, or really it could be parties in general.
But yeah, so I'm excited for today's episode.
Guys, if you haven't yet, go ahead and listen to episode 2110 is trashy English vocabulary.
And then Yeah.
And then today, we are also going to be doing a Spotify poll.
Lindsay, we have so much fun of these, right?
Well, it's our way to connect with you guys, to understand your opinions on things.
You guys are adults, you have lots of experience out in the world, so we want to know your opinion on things.
Right, and do we have a poll to reveal today Michelle, from a passport, we do so.
This is actually good for this episode, because we're talking a little bit about parties.
Um, episode 21 23 was bash, reception or shindig.
Which word should you choose that?
That was a fun one.
And yeah, so guys, if you haven't listened to that one, go ahead and listen.
But the poll was, do you think it's better to spend money on a big wedding or save up for a house?
Good.
Yeah.
I wonder.
So, Lindsay, what are the results?
Drum roll.
Our results were very definitive, Michelle.
It sounds like our listeners are on the same page as us.
So 88 of you listeners said you would prefer to save up for a house, while 12 are more into the short-term bash idea.
The wedding.
You'd like to spend that money on a wedding.
Super interesting, Michelle.
It sounds like our listeners are kind of longtime savers.
Yes.
Well, there was like a...
Oh man, I forgot what it was called, but there was a reality show.
I think it was on Netflix.
Okay.
And it was about if people are going to spend money on a wedding or a house.
Really?
I think I know what you're talking about.
Yeah.
So I feel like a lot of people ended up choosing wedding.
I don't know why I watched that.
I don't even really watch a lot of reality TV, but for some reason I watched that.
Yeah.
Interesting.
Yeah.
But anyway it's.
I think in hindsight it's always good to think this way, but i think in the moment it's hard for people not to spend on the wedding, including myself totally, and we talked about that in that episode.
Once you start spending some money, you have to get the next thing, and the next thing it becomes this domino effect.
That is a good key word for today, michelle.
Domino effect yes, so let's get into today's topic, michelle.
What are we talking about today?
Are we going back to the party theme, the idea of parties?
Yes,
So we're talking about guest etiquette today.
So I found this article.
We're not going to go over too much of it, but I'm going to go over a couple of points that I thought were interesting from this article.
And then we can always do a follow up if necessary.
But the article is from HuffPost.com.
Mm hmm.
And it's sometimes not helping is the best option.
Here's how to be a good guest.
And it says, share this with someone who needs a little bit of a hint.
This was like Taylor Tobin, uh, from November 22nd, 2023.
Interesting.
Okay.
I'm curious.
That title definitely makes me curious, right?
Especially the subtitle share this with someone who needs a little bit of a hint.
They need a clue.
They need some help.
Right?
So it sounds like we're talking about American culture today.
Is that right?
Yeah.
And we're talking about two main points from the article that I thought we could get into a little bit talk about our opinions.
So the first one, which I thought was really interesting, was don't bring a bouquet of flowers.
Interesting.
Interesting.
Why is this one of the points?
Like, I don't normally bring a bouquet of flowers.
Well, of course, it depends on... Actually, I never bring flowers.
No?
No.
No, not really.
You're doing a good job sometimes.
So apparently I'm doing a bad job.
No, just joking.
Do you bring flowers?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sometimes I'll bring flowers.
More so for like a dinner, like a holiday dinner, not like a huge party, but if it's like a family dinner or something like that.
Yeah.
I mean basically any.
I mean, I don't know if you read my notes yet, but do you know why they're saying don't do it?
No.
Tell us why.
Tell us why, Michelle.
What's wrong with that?
Does it take too much work for the host to go and cut the flowers?
Did you just read it or did you just think of that?
No, I'm just guessing that.
Yes, it's exactly right.
So it says that now you're making the host do work.
They have to put the flowers in, they have to cut them.
They said, if you want to do flowers, it's better to send an already done bouquet after the party, or something like that.
What do you think? well yeah so that makes total sense to me right don't put them on the spot it is awkward to greet someone at your doors the host and then they're carrying this huge thing that could be kind of unwieldy another great bonus word for today out of control out of control in your face this huge thing of flowers now they have to go into the kitchen cut them find a vase what if there's not a vase that fits it's a yeah i would say though more broadly here for our listeners are going to go to an american party really any party this goes for the entire year don't arrive empty-handed yes yeah yes i would agree with that i think that's yeah i i it's interesting because um i I always try and bring something.
Yeah, I actually had a student ask about that recently.
So she was asking about going to like Thanksgiving.
Interesting.
And, you know, about like what American culture it is.
So, Lindsay, I mean, what do you what do you typically bring if it's not flowers?
Oh, almost always a bottle of wine.
Almost always a bottle of wine.
Wine is a little better than flowers, because you're not necessarily saying we have to drink this tonight.
Maybe the host chooses to open it, but more likely it's a gift to the host and they put on their wine rack for another day because they've probably already chosen the wine or the drink that might go with the meal.
But it can just be put on the countertop and they can continue greeting you.
Right, Michelle?
Right.
Right.
That is true.
That is true.
So I learned something.
Well, it sounds like you're just trying to be generous.
And I like, you know, the flowers.
It's a nice gesture.
It's a loud, nice gesture.
So I don't think you can ever go wrong by trying to be generous.
You know?
Yeah.
Yeah.
But it's true.
Sometimes I do bring wine, but sometimes I bring flowers.
Sometimes I bring a dessert.
Right.
Right.
And that's good, too.
I think that might actually be more thoughtful, the dessert piece.
For me, a bottle of wine is just kind of the standard.
It's easy, but it would be even more thoughtful if I were to cook something, bake something, like a dessert.
Actually, I am hosting some friends for dinner on Friday.
Yes.
And I haven't done something like that in a while.
So that'll be interesting.
I mean, often I think it's typical to also ask.
We're getting some great tips for our listeners here who are attending parties this year.
You know, ask when you're invited, what should I bring?
Always ask that, assuming you should bring something.
And then if they say, oh, nothing, still bring that bottle of wine.
Right.
If they tell you oh, we need a dessert, then that's a great chance to bring that dessert or an hors d'oeuvre.
But definitely don't show up empty handed.
I feel like that's the key, right, Michelle?
Exactly.
Exactly.
So let's talk about the next thing.
The other one that I want to talk about.
Um, so this one is it's fine to offer help during the event, but don't insist.
I know someone who just shows her way right into the, get the host kitchen and takes over.
It's always baffled me um when she does that because I just think to myself I don't feel comfortable in other people's kitchens.
I just feel weird going in and taking over.
It's weird to me.
Yeah.
I know someone who is famous for doing that and it always made my mom as the host uncomfortable when this person would do that because she would be arranging everything in the dishwasher and very intense about it a little too intense.
It's kind of the equivalent of like going into someone's bathroom and rearranging where they put their toothpaste and not quite that bad, but it's pretty intense when you do that.
I think that when I see this person do this, actually typically what I've seen so far is the host is able to sit back a bit more and socialize.
So the thought is there.
It is the right thought, but maybe reserve it for people you know very, very well, you know when you yeah yeah, that's true, that's true.
Like that you you, you know what they're looking for.
You know how you could help them.
But if it's like someone and you're at their house for the first time, maybe that's not necessary.
Yeah yeah, and make sure you know where everything goes, where the plates go, you know how they like their dishwasher arranged, which people are very particular about that.
So what would you do instead?
So not offering to help or not insisting to help.
OK, to offer.
What else can we say about this?
So they suggest saying something like this is from the article.
What can I do right now to make your life easier?
So that I think.
Yeah.
What do you think of that? it's okay.
It sounds a little like stock photo-ish to me.
Like this phrase feels a little.
Does it feel a little impersonal, a little bit like a sales line or something?
I don't know.
Like, how can I put you in this car today?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think I would say just like, oh, like, how can I help?
Or like, yeah, exactly.
I agree.
Yeah.
I think that might feel a little bit more natural to me, but yeah.
But, I mean, you could say that, but yeah, beware of that.
So they said to just actually listen to what the host says.
So like, if they don't need help, that's okay.
Don't worry about it.
Because they mentioned that too much help can be irritating.
I mean, maybe you like something a certain way, like we said, so it could actually make things harder.
So those are the two points.
I mean as the host.
What's something that you could say if you just want somebody to not help, yeah.
So you might hear the host saying something like no, just enjoy yourself right, or what else.
They might say i'm good thanks, relax and enjoy.
Yeah, i mean, sometimes hosts enjoy, genuinely enjoy hosting, and they want you to relax right, they don't want you to be in the kitchen doing the work, right.
So it's a matter of knowing the person reading between the lines um, or they might say no thanks, i have it all taken care of.
And at some point yeah, you're right, you we're saying don't insist ask, but don't insist.
You have to assume that they are saying they're telling the truth yeah, not just saying oh no, i'm fine, but they're actually struggling and they need help at some point.
We have to take things at face value of what people say, especially if we don't know them that.
Well right right right, that's a good point.
Okay michelle, what's next here?
What else do we need to know about attending an american house party?
OK well, we're going to talk a little bit about our opinions and we're going to do a role play with some of the expressions that we just taught.
So but Lindsay, do you prefer to be a party host or a party guest?
I prefer I actually really enjoy hosting.
I like having people in my space.
I'm not much of a cook, though.
That's the only problem.
I think if I tried to host a dinner party, I might burn the food and be very stressed out.
So my ideal is ordering in and hosting, and I'll buy the drinks or something.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I like to host as well.
I think one day, if I have a clean... house I would like to host.
I mean, well, for example, I did have a few friends over for a mini holiday party.
It was just a couple friends.
I forgot about this.
And my house was clean at the moment.
And I was very excited.
Like I bought I even bought little gifts for their kids.
And, um, yeah.
And I, I got these really good donuts and it was, and I got like a colored tablecloth.
And so I guess I do.
I have it in me to enjoy it, but I'm not really at that place in my life where I can be a great host.
Like for this weekend, I will, I told you, I have some friends coming over.
I'm, I'm getting stuff from Trader Joe's and I'm putting it in the microwave.
Like I don't have.
You know, I don't.
I, I I like to cook, but I'm don't have that capacity right now.
Yeah.
Maybe at some other point in life you know you'll host more often and be able to cook, but who knows?
We just, I don't know.
I just think there's something special about having people in your own space.
That's kind of cool.
Yeah.
So do we have a role play here, Michelle?
Shall we get into it?
Do it.
So here, Lindsay is hosting and I am coming to her party.
All right, here we go.
Wow.
Lindsay, this is so great.
Thanks for having me.
What can I do right now to make your life easier?
Thanks for coming.
I'm good.
Thanks.
Just relax and enjoy.
Do you need me to set the table?
No, thanks.
I have it all taken care of.
How about the food?
No, just enjoy yourself.
Really?
Yeah.
And so at that point, you know, step back, right?
And just go enjoy yourself.
And you know, unless you know the person really well and you can tell they're stressed out right yeah yeah, that would be, maybe they're your best friend or your partner or your partner's best friend, and you can see that something is wrong, maybe that would be okay to break the rules there.
But in most situations, just step back.
Yeah, because i'm being i'm being a little pushy here.
Yeah yeah um, but the first thing i said this was from the article guys, this was we were talking about.
You know, i might just say how can i help or what can i do to help, or is there something i can do to help?
But here like yeah yeah, i like that better.
Here from the article, it was what can I do right now to make your life easier if you feel like you like that one?
Give it a go.
And then what did you say?
I could say, I'm good.
Thanks.
Just relax and enjoy.
I added adjust as kind of a demand, right?
I'm demanding that you just relax and enjoy.
Good addition.
And then I asked, do you need me to set the table?
And you said, no, thanks.
I have it all taken care of.
Yeah, you sound very composed, or I do.
I sound very composed here.
And then you said, how about the food?
Oh, no, just enjoy yourself.
Really?
And that would be your cue to step back.
Love it.
Yeah, I was thinking that really, maybe we could do a follow up on that.
Like how to you know if somebody is insisting on something.
You know how to really, or what other things you could say.
Oh, I love that idea, Michelle.
Let's put that down in our idea bank here.
Guys, hit follow on All Ears English.
And do we have anything else here, Michelle, before our takeaway?
We do.
Guys, we have a Spotify poll for you.
Okay, so we were talking about our Spotify poll earlier.
So we have a new one for today.
Lindsay, would you like to read it, right?
So here is the poll.
We want to know your answer to the same question that i answered at the top of the show would you rather be a guest at a party or be a host of a party right?
So let us know in the poll.
Guys participate, and somewhere in the future we'll announce those results.
Good stuff, michelle.
What's the final takeaway for today?
Guys, we gave you a couple tips of how to be a good guest, but you can check out the article if you're interested on getting some more.
Um, but you know, try and think of ways you can make the host's life easier, not more difficult, right?
And it might not be what you think you have to, because for me i always thought oh, the flowers.
And then i read this and i thought wow, i'm being a real pain here.
Um, But reflect on what this might be.
Are you actually making things easier for the host?
Or is it somehow, even though you have good intentions, making life a little bit more difficult?
And also let us know how it is in your culture.
Like, do you always bring something?
I'm very curious to hear how it is around the world.
I'm super curious about that, right, Michelle?
We want to know.
We'll talk about this on social media, maybe in YouTube.
If you're consuming today's episode in YouTube, you could leave a comment and let us know are these norms true in your culture, right?
I think when it comes to connection michelle, we have to set the stage for connection or make connection possible by making sure no one person is going to be overwhelmed that they won't be available for connection.
And if you kind of put big, a big thing of flowers in someone's face, they might love it but they might be overwhelmed and not be able to connect with you then, or if you keep pushing, let me help you, let me help you, give me that plate, i'll do the dishes.
They won't be able to connect with you.
So set the stage, set the conditions for connection right.
Absolutely.
All right.
I love it.
This was fun, Lindsay.
And guys, good luck.
The next party you host, the next party you go to.
Let us know how it goes.
All right.
Good stuff, Michelle.
Have a good one.
Bye.
Thanks, you too.
Bye.
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