This is an All Ears English podcast episode 2019.
Reacted incorrectly?
What to do to save the connection in English.
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Are you feeling stuck with your English?
We'll show you how to become fearless and fluent by focusing on connection, not perfection, with your American host, Aubrey Carter, the IELTS whiz, and Lindsay McMahon, the English adventurer coming to you from Arizona and Colorado, USA.
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Reacting incorrectly can create an awkward situation in conversation.
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Hello, Aubrey.
How's it going?
I'm great.
How are you, Lindsay?
Aubrey, I'm feeling good today, but I do have a question to open the show.
All right.
Here we go.
So what is a bad habit?
Do you have any bad habits when it comes to conversations?
Oh, yes.
This is something that happened recently.
It actually happens all the time to me.
I really need to fix this bad habit.
Oh, no.
What I do is I just get ahead of myself.
And sometimes before someone is done speaking or even sometimes before they say anything.
With the way the conversation is going, I'll sort of assume I know what they're going to say.
And I'll react usually just with like sort of a laugh.
Yeah.
And then sometimes they'll say what they're going to say and it's not.
It's not something funny.
It's not a joke.
And I'm like, oh, sorry, I thought you were going to say something else.
And then I create this awkward situation just because I'm getting ahead of myself.
Oh, my gosh.
It's so awkward.
But this sounds honestly very human.
Why do you think you do that?
Is it because you're impatient?
Is it because you want that moment of connection faster, like with the laugh?
Why do you think that is?
It's...
Probably part of it's impatience.
I do have a tendency to be thinking of like what I want to do next or say next.
And I know that also is a bad habit.
Like I need to slow down and actually really listen to what someone's saying, even in a very informal situation.
Right.
I still need to like give people a chance to be heard and listen instead of jumping ahead.
Right.
And I also it very related.
I will continue cut people off or talk over people and I recognize it and I interrupt far too often part of it's impatience or excited for what's happening next.
I just need to slow down.
We're all guilty of it.
It's okay, Aubrey.
I've been accused of that at home as well kind of cutting off and taking the conversation like having an objection too quickly before I hear the person's points right.
It's not fair.
But it's hard these days, even in conversation, when you're not interrupting, you're rushing to the laugh or almost receiving the punchline before it's there, right.
It's mindfulness, right?
It's hard for us to be mindful.
There's just so much going on.
I know it is a very common marker of speech right now, because I actually just read an article about the TV show Succession where they were being praised for their script and the directing, because they're talking over each other and interrupting each other so much, which feels so much like real speech.
And most TV shows and movies don't do that. and I didn't even think about it.
They usually kind of one person says something and the next, but it feels so real the way they kind of talk over each other and interrupt each other.
I feel like that would be just a side point.
That would be great material for our listeners to check out.
Yes, absolutely.
I recommend it.
Have you not seen Succession, Lindsay?
I have not.
I have not.
I'm not on the train.
It's sort of a dark comedy.
It's like a big media company, kind of like Fox News, but that's owned by a very corrupt family.
Oh, gosh.
And And there's a lot of excellent acting and directing.
It probably will be nominated for all kinds of Emmys.
Interesting.
I have loved it.
I know a lot of people who love it, but it might not be for everyone.
It is a little dark.
It's a little heavy.
Well, our listeners can check that out if they want to.
I love it.
So I'm excited to get into this topic today of rushing to the end.
You know, what can you say when you get caught in that?
But are there any related episodes, Aubrey, that our listeners should know about first?
Absolutely.
You and Michelle recently recorded episode 1998.
It was called Missed the Joke, What to Say in English.
And that's what's inspired this episode when I was getting keywords for the app which, if you guys don't have it, go to allersenglishcom slash app, because I choose the high level keywords.
And when I was picking those, I was listening and you guys were talking about when it's awkward if something that you're supposed to, not supposed to understand.
You like laugh or kind of go along with the joke like you were saying you do.
Yeah.
And then it creates this awkward moment because everyone knows you shouldn't have laughed, you shouldn't have understood the joke right right, right.
And so i was thinking and this is very similar to an experience i had recently so i'm like oh, we need to teach the language for that.
What do you do if you create that awkward situation?
What can you say?
I love how specific this situation is.
It is exactly what our listeners need, guys.
Right, and this is also a situation i could imagine our listeners might end up in.
Right, if we just want to be able to kind of play along with the crowd, We don't always, we can't always raise our hand and say I didn't get it right.
In terms of the language, if you didn't quite get it, right?
So you may be in this situation potentially more often.
So let's get into it then, Aubrey.
Do we have three tips today for this kind of scenario?
Okay.
Exactly, right?
So just sort of to give you a little bit of overview.
We're talking about what you can say if you mishear someone and accidentally react to inappropriately, or if your laughter causes awkwardness.
So we'll, we'll give you three sort of scenarios and what you can say if you find yourself in that scenario, right?
All right.
This is good.
So let's just dive right into it.
Let's just get into it.
Aubrey, what would be the first scenario?
What should we do if our laughter creates awkwardness?
That's the first one. right?
If you laugh and then there's an awkward silence because maybe you didn't understand something or you weren't in on a joke and everyone there knows like you shouldn't be laughing for whatever reason, right.
You're going to need something to say to dispel that awkwardness, right?
Because if we just say something, admit it whatever, there are so many ways, then everyone will just laugh.
The conversation moves on.
But if you awkwardly just kind of look like The awkwardness can linger.
So we want to give you phrases to dispel it.
What could we say, Lindsay?
Yeah.
Okay.
So the first thing we can say is, okay, you'll have to explain it to me.
I was just laughing so you didn't have to stop and explain the joke kind of backtracking here.
It's very awkward and this is totally something I have absolutely said.
This right, if there's awkwardness I'll be like okay, all right, you caught me, I laughed, you'll have to explain it to me and then I'll even say that right, I was just laughing so you didn't have to stop and explain the joke, because you guys are not alone in English.
If you're like, not wanting to stop the conversation and ask them to explain all the time.
This happens to native speakers as well.
If someone's making a movie reference or talking about something that happened last week, it happens to to everyone.
Oh, it happens to me all the time.
It's hard to know, right?
In that moment, you're not sure.
Am I missing a cultural or a political reference I should know?
Or is it actually just an inside joke that I don't need to worry about knowing, right?
And then how do you make that decision in your mind?
Most of the time, as human beings, our human brains are going to say let's stay safe and just laugh along with the crowd right.
Yep.
Absolutely.
And we have something else you can say.
You could say okay wait, I feel like I'm missing something.
What happened?
Or a really native thing you can say is fill me in, which means like catch me up, fill me in on the joke, right?
I love that.
Okay, wait, you need to fill me in.
Yes, I love it.
I love it.
And is there another scenario, like a sub scenario here, Aubrey?
Yes, absolutely.
Right.
If someone asks you something, Because a lot of times you're in this situation and they're just going to continue the conversation.
There might even be a little tiny, awkward pause, but then someone's going to just pick it up and keep going and you might not have to say anything.
But sometimes, and we'll show this in the role play later, sometimes someone will point it out.
They'll say something that makes it obvious you just laughed to be polite.
Or maybe they'll just assume you got the joke and they'll be like, oh, didn't you love that scene?
Didn't you love that movie?
Right?
And then you're sort of caught.
You're like, no, I don't want to lie and be like, yes, I loved that movie.
Yeah.
Can you stay instead?
Right.
OK, so here we go.
This is one thing you could say.
You could say, no, I didn't see that.
What happened?
That's specifically when someone asks you about that scene or that movie itself.
Right.
Exactly.
Or if it's a little more general, you can say, no, I'm not familiar with that.
What's what happened or what's that about?
Right.
Right.
I feel like with the first scenario, though.
If someone knows that you're not in on the joke and inside joke situation and they point out that you just laugh, that's just mean.
That's just straight up rude.
It can be like maybe they're trying to be funny or whatever.
Like most cases, I feel like people.
So what's going to happen in a role play?
You'll see this in a second.
Guys is more like you laugh at something which makes it seem like you understood the joke.
And so they think you did.
And then they're like, oh, didn't you love that?
Yeah.
That happened.
That's going to be a lot more common.
Right.
And then you're like, oh, no, I was just laughing.
It's going to be less common that someone knows there's an inside joke.
They know you weren't there.
So you shouldn't be laughing and they call you out.
Right, be just a lot less.
Yeah absolutely, and you could maybe just push back and be like okay rude, I was just trying not to make you stop and explain to me.
Maybe you shouldn't be telling inside jokes that I don't know, that I'm not in on.
I love that.
That would be my comeback.
That's a good one.
Yeah, for sure.
Okay, so we've gotten through number one, that situation.
There's also something else Aubrey, that could happen, which is that you misheard something.
Right, tell us about this one.
This happened to me last weekend.
My friend was saying something and I thought he was making a joke.
And this was that bad habit I was telling you about, where I sort of think I know what someone's going to say and I'm jumping ahead.
And so I laughed, assuming it was a joke.
And then he sort of finished what he was saying.
And I realized he had said, you know, this is my boyfriend, Gustavo.
And I had laughed.
And I was like, oh, no, this is terrible.
So I can't just say nothing.
I need to make it clear that I misheard.
Right.
I misunderstood.
So we need language for that as well.
Yes.
OK, so here's what you can say, guys.
Write this down.
You could say, oh, sorry, I misheard you.
Right.
And and you can make it clear in your tone of voice as well.
Oh, sorry, I misheard you.
You can show your sense of caring in your voice there.
Exactly.
And that's exactly what I said.
Right.
I was like, oh, sorry, I misheard you.
Nice to meet you, Gustavo.
Right.
And then you just you don't need to like leave this weird pause or make them react to what you're saying.
Yeah.
You just move on with the conversation.
Right.
Exactly.
And what would be the second thing you could say, Aubrey?
Yeah, you can say, oh, my bad.
I thought you were saying something else.
Yeah.
Or even I thought you were going to say something else.
Because in this situation, where I sort of started laughing before he was even done with his statement, that would be appropriate.
Be like, oh, I thought you were going to make a joke.
I thought you were going to say something else.
Yeah.
Which of these?
Just to compare these two phrases for our super high level listeners, which one is more kind of casual, which is more serious.
Hmm.
The I misheard you.
Oh, sorry.
I misheard you is a little more formal.
This would be perfect for at work.
If you mishear someone, this is, you know, it's not super overly formal.
That's what I was at sand volleyball.
And this is what I said.
Yeah.
But it also is super appropriate for any formal situation as well.
Yeah.
It's maybe just for maybe potentially for a mistake that could have offended someone more.
Right.
More so than my bad.
My bad is kind of light.
It's light on your feet, right?
A little more flippant.
Yeah, that word means you're sort of almost dismissing that it was a problem.
And I didn't want to be flippant in that situation because I had sort of created a situation where I potentially could offend someone and I felt badly.
And so I didn't want to be flippant and say, my bad, I thought you were saying something else.
That is such a good bonus word for today, by the way, Aubrey, flippant.
I love it.
Yes, it's a really good word.
It'll definitely be in the app, guys.
Yes, love it.
All right, do we have a role play for today?
Yes, absolutely.
So in this role play, you and I are chatting at a party and I will start us out.
Ready?
Okay.
So then she said, it's just a hint of lemon.
Didn't you love that scene on Succession?
Oh, no, I didn't see that.
What happened?
Oh, cousin Greg uses sparkling water to wash out someone's eyes.
And then everyone is mad because it had lemon in it.
And he's like, it's just a hint of lemon.
Oh, that's hilarious.
I've got to see that show.
That worked out perfectly.
We were talking about succession.
It all came full circle.
I sense an obsession here, Aubrey, on your end.
I am a little bit obsessed.
What I like about this role play the way it flowed is that in the end, I brought this back to the show.
I took it quickly out of that scene and the fact that I didn't know that scene and then awkwardness and i came back to the show oh i have to see it and that's the connection moment right absolutely out of the awkwardness as quickly as possible yes and then you've opened it up to to go further for me to like tell you what i love about the show or ask you what else you're watching right you have helped deepen the connection build the connection instead of letting that awkwardness linger 100 so should we go through it a little bit here Where should we start?
Let's do.
So I first said something that was not very obviously like an inside joke or a movie quote or something.
So it kind of would make sense that you laughed, whether you kind of, you know, figured maybe you, maybe you had been in on a joke and you just don't really remember, whatever it is.
You could just laugh.
Right.
Yes.
Yeah.
So I laughed here.
But then you kind of called me out in the sense that, oh, didn't you love that scene?
You're saying I just made a reference.
Didn't you love that?
And you're kind of assuming that I... I'm kind of assuming, oh, okay, we've both seen this scene.
Awesome.
I might quote it, and then anybody who laughs I'm like sweet my people.
We've all seen this scene on Succession which, by the way, is a really hilarious scene.
He has wasabi in his eye, and the guy uses... lemon soda to try to wash it out.
That's hilarious.
But anyway, yes, this could totally happen this situation, right?
Because I'm trying to bring you in create this bond like, Oh, yes, we've both seen the scene.
Didn't you love it?
Yes.
And of course, we can continue the conversation now about other shows that we have in common.
Michelle and I have talked on this show before about how quoting scenes from shows can really be a real, powerful connection moment.
Absolutely.
It's how you find what you have in common or just something fun and interesting to talk about.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah, exactly.
And then where are we?
So then I said, no, I didn't see it.
What happened?
Right.
So then I just described the scene and what was funny about it.
Right.
And that just your response there to be like, oh, no, I didn't see that.
What happened?
So natural.
You're not making me feel awkward.
There's so many things you could say that would make me feel badly about assuming you had seen the scene.
Instead, you just, oh, no, I didn't.
What happened?
Yeah, the connection and responsibility here is on me and how I react, right?
What did I say?
I said, oh, that's hilarious.
I've got to see that show.
Maybe next I say, oh, what else do you like to watch, right?
Then I just immediately get out of that show because there's not much else we could say there that we have in common.
Then I find something we do have in common.
That's connection, right?
Absolutely.
Yes.
So good.
I'm so glad you guys now have these freezes that you can say, depending on you know exactly how this goes, because there are lots of different scenarios where you need this vocabulary to be able to eliminate the awkwardness and continue that connection moment.
Yeah.
And again, I love how human this moment is.
We've all experienced this awkward moment, right?
We've been kind of the victims of this moment in our own languages, our native languages, no question.
So we can all kind of get on board with this.
Absolutely.
We've all been there.
We've all been there.
So don't feel bad if you are too.
Yeah.
Any final takeaway for our listeners there, Aubrey?
Yeah, I think that's it, right?
This happens to all of us.
It Help alleviate the awkwardness with what you say.
So I'm glad you have all these phrases.
But also don't let the potential of something like this happening stop you from connecting, right?
Stop you from starting that conversation.
It could happen to anybody.
Dive in.
Start that conversation anyway.
It's true because there's no way we could see every episode of every TV show out there.
We haven't been in every personal inside joke of everyone's life.
It's just not possible.
So that's why it's going to happen.
Then it's how you react.
So good.
So good.
Exactly.
All right, Aubrey.
I'll talk to you on the next episode.
Thanks for hanging out today.
Thank you.
See you next time.
Take care.
Bye.
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