This is an All Ears English podcast, episode 1202, surprising new insight on how to build your social circle.
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Do you have a lot of close friends or a lot of distant acquaintances or both?
Today, we summarize an article that surprised us.
Learn what science says about what kinds of friends we need for a great life.
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Hey, Lindsay, how's it going?
Great, Michelle.
How's everything with you?
Everything is good over here.
It's so nice being in the summer because I feel like I see my friends much more often on the weekends that even if they don't live near me, because everybody just wants to get outside and be together.
And it's just so much fun.
Oh, it's great.
Yeah.
You know, it's so funny because now I'm taking a trip around the Western United States.
But you know, before I left Boston in June, I remembered how much I loved Boston because it was so sunny and so beautiful and everyone was so friendly and seeing friends all the time.
Yeah yeah, it was crazy.
So definitely.
Well, do you?
Are you the type of person?
Do you prefer to have like a few very close friends, or many acquaintances, or or many like kind of good friends?
Yeah, I don't know.
I feel like, as I've gotten older, I've tended to prefer a few close friends rather than a lot of not so close acquaintances.
But there have been times in my life that I've definitely had a lot of acquaintances or low stakes friends I guess they call them right.
Low stakes friends.
Yeah, I mean, I'm like you.
I think I prefer.
If I have to choose one, I definitely would like to have closer friends.
And you know, if it's only a few, then that's great.
But I'm a I'm a people person, right?
But if I have to pick one or the other, I'd like to have more meaningful relationships.
But I do like getting to know people casually as well.
And you never know who's going to be your next closed friend.
Yeah, I mean you have to start somewhere with everyone, right?
Everyone has to start as an acquaintance Right, right, right.
Exactly.
Exactly.
So it's interesting that we were talking about, you know, kind of preferring to have the closer friends, because you found a New York Times article actually, and it talks about the benefits of knowing a lot of different people.
Yeah, we're gonna talk about it today.
So Lindsay, what was this article called?
Yeah, this article is called Why You Need a Network of Low-Stakes Casual Friendships.
By Ali Volpe.
On May 6 2019 in The New York Times.
And this caught my eye when I was, you know, like scrolling through my newsfeed in The New York Times.
I saw it and I was like, whoa, that's kind of contrary to everything else I've heard.
About mental health and about building a good social life.
I feel like I always hear you should have a few close friends, but this is kind of saying the opposite, isn't it?
Right.
Well, I don't know that it was against a few close having close friends, but I think it's more.
It's more important talking about like.
Like, maybe it mentions that, but I don't particularly remember that.
But what I do remember is it talks about how important it is to have these casual friendships, right.
And they use the term weak ties, right?
Yes.
What does that mean to you?
A weak tie?
They're just tangential ties around your life in terms of connections.
Yeah.
Right.
It's like your big network, I think.
It's like some people you're close to, but then the weaker ties are like, oh, yeah, I know him.
Like, you know, I would feel comfortable.
Yeah, I kind of know him through a friend of a friend, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Right.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
So guys, we're going to talk a little bit more dive into this article a little bit more today.
So, um, you know, we'll talk about some of the points that we find most interesting.
Um, So the thing is with having more casual friendships.
You know, I think it talks about how you feel like you're a part of something.
You're not alone.
Right, Lindsay?
Yeah yeah, that's so true, that's so true.
It's so important to have that, to feel like you're a part of something.
I think we can underestimate that these days because we're always online right right right, that's so true, that's so true.
It's easy to think that you have like Yeah, that's true.
On Facebook, for example.
So yeah, so this gives us a better sense of mental stability because we feel like we're a part of something, a part of a community a little bit.
Right.
Right, right.
It's building that community.
And you know, you can have relationships with people based on different interests, right?
So it's kind of like, and that way, it's also important, too.
And the other thing is the article talks about how, as you get older, it's harder to make close friends.
What do you think, Lindsay?
Yeah, I do.
I do.
Because I mean, part of it is that people have families start to have families, right?
And that ends up being a priority oftentimes.
And a number of other factors in their 30s people get really involved in at least in the US.
People get super into their careers.
I think they go heavy in their careers in their 30s.
I think that maybe one of the hardest times is your 30s to make friends from what I've heard.
30s and like mid 40s.
Yeah.
And then I think people chill out a lot more when they get older, like in their 50s, and they spend more time just doing leisurely things.
That's what I've heard at least.
Yeah.
That's interesting.
Yeah, actually I think about like my parents.
You know they're retired and they've gotten a chance to meet a lot of new people and they're going out all the time and their social life is just incredible.
Oh, that's great.
Yeah, so that does sound like it would be true.
You just have more time.
People want to make friends.
They're not so invested in their own personal life.
Yeah, for sure.
For sure.
Yeah.
Okay, what else about this article?
This is interesting.
Yeah, so they talk about this study, I think in 2019.
That they said if you spend 30 hours with someone, it's considered a casual friendship.
So the article talks about...
Um, if like, for example, your hairstylist they mentioned, if you spend, you might, over time, spend 30 hours with your hairstylist, right?
Do you think you've spent 30 hours with yours, Lindsay?
Yeah, probably.
I mean, I've been going to my hairstylist since like 2012.
So, a couple times a year since 2012.
So, probably something like that.
Yeah, close to it, maybe.
I don't know.
Right, right, right.
Maybe, yeah, maybe not quite, but almost, maybe.
Yeah.
So, but yeah, it talks about how this can add meaning.
You know, once you like hit that 30 hours with someone…
You can maybe not a hairstylist necessarily, but maybe just someone else, you know, through friends.
Maybe you've been at a party with them.
Maybe, you know, and it builds up over time.
Once you hit that 30 hours, that person adds, you know, meaning to your life if you see them enough time.
So I thought that was really interesting how they can actually put a number on it.
Yeah, it's weird.
So intellectually, I'm surprised by this because again, like I said before, I feel like it's kind of contrary to the idea of – it's not contrary to the idea of close ties, but it kind of – it's sort of the opposite in a sense.
But then experientially it makes total sense because I love meeting up with my hairdresser and saying oh, how was your trip to Paris?
She went to Paris.
Right.
You know, you can catch up on that.
And it does make you feel like you're connected.
Right, right.
I agree.
I think that I actually just got a haircut and I got a new.
I tried out a new person and but like I haven't, like there was a time when I was going to the same place.
Before I moved to New York that I was going to the same person every time and I really got close with her.
And you do feel like you get to know these people.
So even though like, yeah, you're not going to say, oh, this is my best friend.
It's, it's not just it's not a stranger.
And it's and it adds value to your life.
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I could see, though, how this might be like potentially dangerous if we only do this.
Right.
Because I think there are people in the world who only do this, that they just keep those kind of weak ties, maybe not to let anyone get close, as a way of protecting themselves.
And then all they have is the weak ties.
So they don't actually spend the time going deeper with anyone.
I mean, I could see the danger in this advice, too.
Right, right, right.
That's true.
You want to make sure that you actually follow up on these friendships and maybe these weak ties will end up being stronger over time.
And also just to know, don't only seek out the weak ties.
Yeah.
Right.
Exactly.
Go beyond that.
Go beyond that for sure.
Yeah.
But one of the advantages, as they talk about, is that you grow your social circle and that can help you have an open mind and learn more.
And even for job looking for jobs.
Right.
You build your network and you never know who knows who.
Right.
Oh, that's huge.
That's huge.
Oh, yeah, definitely.
And it makes you more empathetic, right?
So once you learn these things about others like that my hairdresser went to Paris.
I learned that, things like that then it makes your life a little more interesting.
It makes life in general more interesting, right?
You have more material to think about, more engagement with the world.
Yeah.
Right, right, right.
I think I just think that so much of this is about your community.
And I think, like we talked about, you know, it's easy to feel a little bit isolated if everything you do is on the internet.
And, you know, that's you're just looking at your Facebook friends.
So yeah, maybe you have a good friend who you know, you don't talk to very much and they're on Facebook.
And so you see them on Facebook only.
And then maybe you have a neighbor who you are starting to spend more time with, you know, it's like, don't don't devalue the weak tie.
Yeah, for sure.
Or pick up the phone also and call that friend who's only on Facebook.
Right, right, right.
Exactly.
You nurture your existing relationships.
Oh, this is so good because I feel like as we get into like adult life, you know what I mean?
Our 30s, our 40s, it's easy to forget how important it is to keep building that social circle.
I feel like, especially in the US, because the culture kind of pushes us toward, pushes us towards either family or career or both.
Right.
And getting on these tracks that we should prioritize certain things.
Sometimes friendships can be left behind a little bit, I think.
That's, yeah, that's a good point.
Yeah, for sure.
Yeah.
And we don't want to let that happen.
So, you know, the article talks about how you can build these ties, right?
And I think that this is so important, especially for our listeners.
Like, you have to think about, you know, working on your English and that...
Yeah, maybe you might think, oh, well, it's not worth it.
I'm nervous to talk to this person.
I'm nervous.
And what does it matter anyway?
Well, it does matter, even to just build a weak tie, even if it's not necessarily going to be an immediate close friend.
You don't know what's going to happen and how that person can help you grow, right?
Yeah, for sure.
So true, Michelle.
Yeah, that's right.
So the article talks about things like trying to talk to a new person every week, and I think that's a really good goal.
What do you think Lindsay?
Yeah, I like it.
Yeah, it's good.
I mean, to put that goal, write it down somewhere.
So you see it every day.
Talk to a new person every week, reach out, go to the events you have to go to.
In the big cities, it can be a little harder.
There are so many people around you.
But you know, if you say okay, I'm going to talk to someone, you walk out.
Let's say, you walk out of the subway in Union Square, you're never going to see that person again right, Michelle?
Right.
So you can talk to them once.
That's great.
But then how do you make sure you stay connected to them, at least in a week sense?
It's more about going to events or things like that.
Right, clubs, things like that.
Yeah.
And something else that the article said was to be more positive about the interactions, right?
You know, just because they're weak ties doesn't mean that they're not valuable.
They are.
Right, right.
And I think sometimes we can get in our own heads in our own spaces so much.
And if somebody tries talking to us, maybe we're like.
You know, I don't think I'm irritated if somebody's talking to me.
But I think sometimes people can get a little irritated.
It's like, oh, I'm trying to do my own thing.
I'm listening to music.
I'm doing that, you know, and like, don't look at it that way.
Be positive about it.
Yeah, I love that idea.
That's great.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
And then, you know, it talks about learning by watching.
So if you have someone who's really social, social butterfly, that's a good word for our save and study app right.
Part of our app, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, definitely.
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You can now save special words to come back and study them.
So social butterfly, Michelle, what does that mean?
I mean, it's kind of obvious what it means.
Right.
Yeah.
It's someone, it's that friend that is comfortable talking to everybody and they have a ton of friends and it's like wow, how do they do it?
Right.
Yeah.
Geez.
I know people like that.
Yeah, me too.
So it talks about, you know, watch that person.
What do they do?
What do they say?
Like, how do they behave around people?
And you can learn from others.
I can tell you, I have one person in my life that I'm close to, and she's very, very good at maintaining friendships.
So she kind of, in a sense, like really pursues the person that she wants to be friends with.
If she meets someone out at a meetup or an event, if she decides that she wants to be your friend, she's going to follow up in a big way.
You know what i mean?
It's almost like you have to be quite persistent Not like a stalker, but you have to be quite persistent.
You have to follow up.
You have to text them.
You have to invite them out.
You have to kind of take the initiative in a sense.
Right.
Right.
I think that's really good.
Yeah.
And don't be afraid of it, right?
Be confident.
Yeah.
Yeah, there's something here about the vulnerability of saying, hey, especially as an adult, right?
As a kid, it's pretty easy.
You don't really think about it.
But as an adult, there's something vulnerable about saying I want to be your friend.
Like to yourself.
You say to that person you want to be their friend, you take their number and then you're going to reach out and you're taking a chance, right.
But it's worth it in the end.
Yeah, yeah, definitely.
Yeah, take that chance.
And you know also it mentions, you know, trying to have more meaningful conversations with these people to build the relationship.
So that's important as well.
Yeah, absolutely.
Absolutely.
So Michelle, are we going to get into some vocab here?
Yeah, we're going a little long today, but I want to go over just a couple of good ones.
So the first one is friend of a friend.
Yeah, this one definitely.
Let's do a role play.
Here we go.
So how do you know Billy?
Oh, I don't know him well.
He's a friend of a friend.
Ah, okay.
Yeah.
So, that's great.
I hear that one all the time.
Super common.
Super common.
Yeah, definitely.
Definitely.
And what's the next one, Lindsay?
Someone I know from somewhere, right?
So, here we go.
So, hey, do you know anyone who does hair?
I'm looking for a stylist.
I don't have anyone.
I've tried who I can recommend, but someone I know from work as a stylist on the weekends.
Want me to get you her number?
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, no, I like those.
I think those are great.
These are two really good phrases, guys, to talk about weak ties, about acquaintances.
Right.
Definitely.
Yeah.
So I think this was.
I'm really glad that you brought this article up for us Lindsay today, because I think it's really interesting.
It's important.
It's important to broaden your horizons in terms of the relationships that you have and the relationships that you're making.
And I think...
It's easy to just brush off possible casual friendships and think oh, I don't have time for that or it doesn't matter.
But there are so many benefits to them, right, Lindsay?
Yeah, this was actually surprising to me this, this article, to know that they're actually.
It really is important to have these weak ties, but they are apparently.
They're important guys.
So go for it, you know, focus on connection.
And again, if you're doing this in English, you can do it, you can still connect if you focus on building that relationship.
Definitely, definitely.
Oh, well, this has been good.
It makes me definitely think about my relationships and how to improve them and how to make more friends.
Yeah, for sure, for sure.
And guys, speaking of friends on the internet...
Don't forget that we do have an Instagram channel.
So you should definitely want to be over there and check out what we're posting.
We're posting some really fun stuff from all three of us every week.
So go over Learn English with us over there and check in and leave some comments, guys.
Michelle, you just had a good post.
Last week, you were in a delay somewhere.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It took 45 minutes to get out of the parking lot.
So people are sharing stories right now on Instagram about their terrible delay.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think you had something like 48 comments there.
That was amazing.
So cool.
So that is an active channel, guys.
You should be over there connecting with us for sure.
OK, awesome.
All right, Michelle, thanks for hanging out and talking about weak ties.
All right.
Bye, Lindsay.
Bye.
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