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Hey all, it's Robin here.
The deer headspace crew and I are on a little summer mental health break.
So yay for us. But we don't want to leave you high and dry.
So I wanted to share with you our very first deer headspace episode.
Okay, this is the one where it all got started.
This is me and Sam and we are answering your questions about what to do when you don't like your partner, how to find mindfulness and unstructured times.
And we have a question about dealing with the loss of a loved one when you didn't necessarily get along in the first place.
So go ahead and take a listen.
Oh, and don't forget, we're going to be back with new episodes on September 10th.
Have you ever wished you had a wise meditation teacher on speed dial?
Someone you can call after a long day.
Someone you could lean on for their advice.
Someone to listen and help you to see things differently.
Welcome to deer headspace.
All right, hey everyone, you're welcome to deer headspace.
This is the podcast where each week I sit down with a headspace teacher and answer your questions.
And today I am joined by the ever-lovely always amazing Sam Snowden.
Hi Robin. Coming up on today's show, we have already found some super interesting questions for you.
So I'm thinking we should just like roll right into the calls.
Are you ready Sam? I'm ready.
Okay, I am going to play our first question.
Here we go. Hi headspace, my name is Aaron and I have a question.
So my best friend is a great guy.
I love him to death. He's so nice.
Always there for me when I need him and really consider him others.
But there is one problem.
I can't stand anyone that he dates and neither can anyone in our group of friends.
Whenever he brings these people around, there's just kind of weird and not nice and we don't like it.
He started doing this thing recently where he says, I know that you all haven't like the people that I've dated.
So I just want you to be totally honest.
So he'll sit me down and say like after I meet this new person that he's dating, he'll be like, okay, tell me honestly.
What do you think about him?
And that's a weird position for me because on one hand, a common to be honest because that means I don't have to hang out with this person.
But on the other hand, that's so blunt and mean.
And maybe I will end up liking the person.
I don't know, maybe there's an element of giving them the benefit of the doubt.
So yeah, I don't know. Like should I be honest?
Should I not? You guys let me know anything.
Wow. I mean, at any time I feel like anyone starts a question with like, yeah, no, I like him a lot.
But you already know where it's going, right?
You already know where it's going.
What do you think? I can relate to so much.
A lot in the story. Yeah.
Well, so Aaron, I think one word comes up, which is boundaries, you know, and putting, if you're uncomfortable, and this is a pattern, you don't want to engage in, you know, feeling free to put up some boundaries with your friend to say, you know, as long as you're happy and connecting, that's another thing I thought about connecting with this genuine desire for your friend to be well, happy, satisfied in a relationship, right?
And to express that, like, hey, man, I really want you to be happy.
It's all I want for you. And it seems like, you know, every time you ask me for feedback, it's not really helping or, you know, whatever it is, being honest about that pattern between the two of you and the effect that it's having on you, just communicating that to him and putting up that boundary, saying, like, you know, I'd really not, I'd really rather not comment about her or I don't know her well enough yet, you know, I, you know, whatever it is, you need to say, but just maybe starting to think about the need for boundaries there and delivering it with a lot of kindness and rooted in that desire for your friend's joy.
Yeah, you have to do what you're saying though, the kindness part, because what I'm thinking about is you're saying the smart, smart advice, because I think that's a really wonderful way to handle it.
But I'm thinking, if I asked that, now I know your answer, you don't like her, because you would have just been like, she's amazing.
So it's like, you are in a way answering the question by not answering the question.
So I think what you said that was so smart was to really lean into that.
Like, there's no win for me here.
Like, I mean, they're going to say something you don't like or, you know, or why do you need my approval?
Like, you know, but saying that in a much nicer, same way, not a Robin way.
Yeah, or just even calling it out, you know, that this is like talking about why what drives that question for him or what's driving him to ask.
Oh, that's good. Yeah. Yeah, it's really good.
It's a very therapy. I was just going to say, like, lip it around.
Like, we don't answer a question and go, what's interesting?
What did you ask that exactly?
How do you feel about her?
How are you? How are you doing?
But I was also thinking about, okay, relationships, you know, how many relationships did I get in that were?
It was a way of me working something out.
I think a lot of relationships are serve that purpose.
You know, most relationships or many relationships are not forever relationships.
They're, they're, and I think it's healthy to go into them, not assuming they will be.
I know when those love hormones hit, of course, we're just like, we future trip.
We think like marriage and kids in the house and everything, right?
But if we can just say, wow, this is exciting right now and we'll see where it goes.
And watching your friend move through these relationships, kind of keeping that in mind too.
Maybe he's working something out.
This relationship has a lifespan of its own and we'll just, I'll just be there to support him as he's moving through them.
And that is really true.
I remember my 20s when I just was in hot mess relationship after hot mess relationship.
And my friends would be like, they would say something like kind of like, what are you doing?
And I go, and I remember being like, listen, I'm going to hit my head against this wall until I stop.
Yeah. So you just can have to let me.
And they'd be like, okay.
I was like, how insightful Robin.
You knew you were hitting your head against the wall.
I mean, is it insightful or is it absolutely stupidity that I wouldn't just get out of them that I was like, no, I'm not done yet.
Well, it's, it's something else driving.
Yeah. I think I'm saying us because I really, we're working something out.
I do think I was working to work out.
Yeah. And there's sometimes just this like resonance with another human being that you don't want to let go of yet because it's so powerful and you've never felt it before and you can't, it's magnetic, right?
You can't help but keep reentering it.
So yes, you just got to kind of let that play out.
And it does. Like as those hormones and that excitement fades, you, that's when like the real test hits and you're, it's either like, we want to keep going or it's fizzled, you know.
So now we've got to turn in another direction with our next question.
Here we go. My name is Tobias, but everyone calls me tips.
I have a young family and a busy home life.
I find it in the evening.
I find it much more difficult to be mindful.
So more likely to eat things I shouldn't buy things I don't need, get stressed, stay up late and generally throughout all my meditation practice out of the window.
This happens even more once my wife and children have gone to bed.
I think I seem to see this as my time and therefore that I need to treat myself or do something different and I find it very difficult to be mindful.
Can you advise any tips to bring mindfulness into an unstructured situation and save me from the question decisions and reactions of my nighttime alter ego evening tips?
I have to tell you I feel a real synergy with evening tips and a bucket of ice cream.
Help us please Sam. Well, something that first came to mind was something I, I think I read about a few years ago about impulse control.
So if you think about throughout the day, how many of our impulses that we're not giving into?
We're not saying things we might want to say with our kids, we're definitely saying not saying things we want to say and being patient in moments when we don't feel like being patient.
So if you add up all these moments where our impulses that we're keeping our impulses in check, the end of the day kind of represents like Tib said that like this is my time, right?
And what comes with my time?
This feeling of letting go.
And so it's so natural to first I just want to say that just call that out that it's so relatable and natural.
And we have a finite supply of impulse control, right?
So if we've been having to practice a lot of it recently, then we're going to really want to let loose.
And so something that can be helpful if we kind of put the nighttime aside for a moment, but think about throughout the day, how we're greeting or relating to those moments of challenge or I call them pings when we're pinged by what someone said or by a traffic jam or a frustrating moment with at work with a colleague.
So if we take time and just check in, we don't have to go for a 20 minute meditation in our car, but we can just check in by maybe putting a hand on our heart or just taking a deep breath and acknowledging that that was a moment of difficulty just going, wow, that was it was hard not to say that.
It was hard to hear that while I'm being really patient right now, you know, with this person.
So not just, you know, acknowledging the difficulty, but also honoring your efforts, you know, and thanking yourself for those efforts because that will increase the bandwidth you have throughout the day.
And then consequently at night, it'll, you know, kind of reduce some of that urgency to let loose and eat whatever and kind of stay up late, right?
Because you've been checking in throughout the day and you're not so fatigued by the end of the day emotionally.
Well, I have to tell you like just hearing you say that there is a limited supply of patients like I'm a mother.
So that's what I heard is there's, there's, there's like a bucket and there's, there's water in it and when it's gone, it's gone.
That in a lot of ways takes me off the hook.
I mean, not to say to be a crazy person, I shouldn't just go like, she said, Sam said I could yell at my children.
Like no, not what you said.
But I, that is a really nice thing to hear in what you're saying.
And but then I like that you followed it up with you, you do need to do the next right action in addition to acknowledging that don't beat yourself up to start.
Exactly. And the piece that's important is around suppression, you know, when we're suppressing, and in essence, that's impulse control, but to kind of a stronger degree because suppression implies that there's something really strong that's not nagging at us, right?
Could be an emotion we really want to get out or something we really want to tell someone because it's, we've been thinking about it for weeks.
So if you can notice that and somehow come up with a way to deliver it, you know, with compassion, kindness, but fierceness, if there's fierceness there, then that'll relieve again, some of the, it's like relieving the pressure valve, right?
Let's go of some of that, that tension that you're carrying around.
So that you're, you just feel more relieved at the end of your day because you haven't spent so much energy suppressing thoughts, feelings, and things you want to get out there.
I have such an image right now of evening tips and quite possibly myself in a bathroom with a pint of Ben Jerry's off to the side and being like, okay, set the ice cream down.
I'm going to put it in my hand in my heart and I'm going to calm down and I'm not going to yell at anyone.
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All right. I have another question and this one is from Carla.
Let's bring Carla in. That's here.
Dear headspace, hi, I'm Carla.
My mom died and I have to clean out all her stuff, but I don't know how to go about it really.
Also, I never really liked her, which makes it more complicated.
Help. I mean, first we have to say we're so sorry for your loss, but we're so thankful that you sent this in.
This is why this show is so important.
Is this such a universal question that you're not alone in this?
Sam, what are your thoughts right now on this as this comes out?
You know, well, what I first think of Carla, I'm sorry for your loss and I want to let you know that I recently, or a couple years ago, two years ago, went through something similar.
Of course, I don't know your story and your relationship with your mom, but I had a biological father who passed away suddenly and I hadn't spoken to him since I was about four.
So I didn't know him pretty much at all.
But I had avoided him during parts of my life where he wanted to see me out of fear and there were a lot of dynamics there that were at play.
Anyway, needless to say, it was complicated when he died and I also had to clear out his office and I basically found out about his life through clearing out all the places he occupied, you know, his car, his office, apartment.
Yeah, it was bizarre. When I say bizarre, I mean, I dissociated for a long time while I was doing it because it was something I had to do and my emotions were still, you know, bubbling up all these different emotions.
And but yeah, I had to take care of these practical matters.
So luckily, and this is something I might recommend is taking time away, you know, once you do clear out everything and take care of all those things that need to be taken care of, but just some time either to yourself with yourself or with someone that you really love and care about someone who makes you feel comfortable and warm in their presence.
Because that time for me allowed me to process all the feelings that were coming up and my poor husband listened, it's so kind, listened to all my processing.
So we went to Costa Rica and I just, we would drive and drive and I would just say, oh, we'll never get to talk to him again, like the sudden realizations, right?
Or, oh, my gosh, I really want to know this about him or wish I would have known this or wish I would have done that.
So there are these feelings that come up so many and so unexpectedly related to maybe guilt, longing, love that you didn't even know was there tenderness that you might not have felt when she was alive.
And so from a mindfulness perspective, what's most helpful for us is to be with these feelings just as they are to be, to greet them with as much kindness, as much openness, inviting them, hosting them, whatever metaphor image works for you.
So just like, it almost sounds like it's two parts, right?
There's that first part where you need to acknowledge that it's a lot and you're going to need to take some time after.
But then there's that second part, which is around what Carlo was saying about they had a complicated relationship is almost don't judge yourself and feel the feelings you're feeling and is that what you're saying in that second part?
So it's kind of like there's a great metaphor for this called the second arrow.
And if you think about when we have a difficult emotion, it's like an arrow piercing us.
There's a, it hurts, right?
There's a sting. And then often we judge ourselves or try to suppress that initial emotion or do something with it.
And that causes a second arrow, right?
So the second arrow is guilt or judgment or shame.
And so if we address the first arrow with compassion and kindness, then we prevent the second arrow.
We prevent the second hurt.
And that helps us again, move through grief a lot more smoothly.
Both of my parents have passed away.
And I remember there's that initial thing like what you were talking about that first stage where you're doing, you're in the business and you're doing all the work of death, you know, like that, like Carla cleaning out the closet and all that work.
And I remember being in the airport after flying home and that's when I had just walls of feelings that came at me because I was done with the busy work.
And so, you know, I think that for Carla, as she's cleaning out, literally cleaning out, you know, her parents stuff, like there's going to be the business and then there's going to be the work that happens after.
And it is complicated and we have to have patience with ourselves.
You know, for me, sometimes it's hard to know what to say or do when someone passes, when friends, parents or loved ones pass.
I'm like, I feel paralyzed sometimes because I don't know what they need to hear.
And so, but one thing I read about and I think is so beautiful is this idea of sitting down with someone when they're ready and just asking them to tell you what they loved about this person or tell you, you know, if you didn't like the person to talk about what you didn't like about the person or anything that you want to talk about this person or what you're discovering, you know, but it's one way and just listening with no judgment, you know, having a friend, even call reaching out for a friend to do that with you and say, hey, I really need to talk about this and what's coming up.
But asking your friend to listen without interrupting and just giving yourself that time to, you know, speak out what you're what's going on.
And remember, you're not alone.
I think when we're in grief, when we're in any difficult state, we are brain, I should say, not us, but our brain assumes we're alone.
It feels very lonely. So just reminding yourself, oh my God, there's so many other people going through this right now or have just recently and I may not know them, but I can feel this kind of kinship and know that my suffering is part of the human experience, you know, and that helps us to feel less alone.
Well, I have to say, Sam, it is all soaking in with me.
My brain, it's still spinning.
Thoughts are still happening, especially about Aaron's question, about relationships and partners and how it can affect your friends and navigating all that.
I mean, I feel like I probably need a course on how to go back and say sorry to all of my friends for what I put them through.
Yeah, I mean, it's hard to know what you're needing from your friends in those moments.
And like you said, the thoughts and feelings are still swirling.
So we have a really great course on mindful communication, which is first about helping you to clarify what you're feeling based on the event that happened and then what are you needing?
You know, do you need compassion?
Do you need understanding?
Do you need to take some kind of action?
But when you have that clarity, then you can go to a conversation or ask for help and it's usually way more productive and helpful when you come in with that kind of like knowing ahead of time.
Absolutely. I'm on it. I need that.
And this is also why I think everyone loves Sam.
I mean, if I could say this, I mean, I know I do.
I mean, come on. I love you too.
Oh, oh, look at me. Okay, folks, if you have questions for our teachers and if you want to be on a future episode, all you have to do is head over to say hi dot chat slash deer headspace.
There you can record your question and don't worry.
Don't panic. The link is in the show notes.
And if we feature your question on the show, you are going to get three months of free headspace for you or you can give it away to a loved one, anyway, to a boss.
Somebody who needs it. I know so many people that could use that, you know, use a free month or two of headspace.
And please send us your questions like no questions or off limits.
We will do our best to answer them and give you some some insight, some advice and we can't wait to hear them.
Oh, absolutely. And I have to say thank you for being both amazing and for being the very first teacher on deer headspace.
It's my pleasure. This is a dream come true, you know, just to connect with the audience and be able to hear real questions and apply, you know, the wisdom of mindfulness.
It's amazing. Yeah, because so much of what you guys do is goes out.
So it's so interesting for it to come back and for you to be able to have this exchange with the audience and with your listeners.
Exactly. I mean, so much wisdom and learnings that we've acquired over the years come out when we hear the questions, right?
So it's really a two way street.
So to get these questions kind of unlocks all these answers and insights that I might not have thought about in a long time.
Well, I can't wait till you're back with us again.
But while we wait for that, Sam, I mean, we do have this one final treat for our listeners.
Yeah. Well, we've built in some time for you to digest what you just heard, just to take time and pause and really let it settle.
And as you transition from this to the next thing in your day, you can listen to these delightful sounds of a babbling brook.
And this is just a moment to let your mind do whatever it wants to do, just to transition from this space into the next thing in your day.
And so till the next time we're all together, stay happy, stay healthy, and please be kind to each other.
Absolutely. Thank you.
Dear Headspace is a Headspace Studios original podcast.
It's executive produced by Morgan Celser and Sarah Cohn and produced by Taylor Jennings Brown.
It's hosted and produced by Robin Hopkins, Rosie Acosta, Kessanga Giscome, Dora Kamau, and Eve Lewis Prieto, host production by Dan Crowell, music by Scott Sorenson and Chris Mergea.
It was developed by Ash Jones, Scott Sorenson, Robin Hopkins, and Baron Farmer.
And the special thanks to Danny Kirstamy and Colleen Lutz.
