Hello welcome to your welcome back to trans care if you're new here, my name is Ashley and I Hate to say this guys, I really hate to say this But I think I'm sick again.
I Was just sick. I was literally just sick the week leading up to Mother's Day I missed Mother's Day because I was so sick and that was what less than a month ago It seems like anytime I go to big events or like if I'm consistent at the gym I get sick and this past weekend.
I went to gov ball in New York and it was so good I went and I saw t -pain.
I saw role model. I saw Tyler the Creator It was great, but unfortunately now my throat hurts, so I'm trying to pull it together I'm gonna try and get through today's episode.
It's just like the longer I talk the more my throat hurts, but that's life I don't know.
Maybe I should go to a doctor but today's episode it might be all over the place I have an idea what I want to talk about but my mind is scrambled right now so bear with me I mentioned this in last week's episode or the week before that my Saturn return just started and if you don't know what that is it's this thing in astrology where Saturn returns to the same degree and sign that it was in when you were born And this usually happens between 26, 29.
It's obviously different for everyone depending on when you were born.
But during your Saturn return, you're kind of forced to take a deeper look at yourself, kind of look at your belief system, your values, your behavior, and you're just kind of confronted with like, who am I?
Who like literally, who am I?
Do I like who I am?
Are there things that I need to work on?
Are there things that I need to change?
Who do I want to be?
and I didn't know any of this.
Uh, the only time I've ever heard of Your Saturn Return was in a Kacey Musgrave song and then an Ariana Grande song.
I didn't know what it meant.
I didn't know when mine was happening, and then like two weeks ago, whenever it started, I was just really going through the ringer.
I was so emotional.
I was just going through a lot and struggling really badly.
And then a video popped up in my For You page and they were like, you were born during these dates, your Saturn return has started and then I looked more into it and I was like, oh my god, so that's what's going on.
Whether you believe that this is a thing or not, that's kind of what's been happening, what's been going on, what I've been working through the past couple weeks.
I've been doing a lot of journaling, a lot of reflecting, a lot of crying, and I've just been forced to take that deeper look at myself and through doing that I've realized that there is a lot of built up shame that I've had for myself and there's more to the relationship that I have with myself than I thought I did I thought that I had gotten to a place where I had an incredible relationship with myself there was no more work to do which is just so silly to think because I think there's never like an end spot for self improvement I think there's always more that you can do there's always more
that can work on. There's always another layer that you can pull back and I definitely have been doing that.
So today I want to talk about embracing who you are and letting go of who you think you should be or where you think you should be in life because that's a lot of what I've been journaling about lately and thinking about lately.
I think it's a really important step in figuring out who you are and being confident in who you are, and also not letting other people make you feel smaller, make you feel like you have to change the way that you live your life.
I'm 28, I just turned 28 in April, hence why my Saturn return just started.
And I'm happy with where I'm at in life, but at the same time, I'm not where I thought I would be and I'm not who I thought I would be.
I think like everyone, you grew up with an idea of where you think you'll be when you're older.
Like, when I was young, I thought by like 20, I would be married with kids, but I think it's safe to say that we're all now realizing that it's not super realistic and not everyone wants that.
But that's where I thought I would be at that age.
I never had a 5 -10 year plan when I got out of college, but when I did get out of college, I chose a job that made sense and seemed appropriate.
It was one of those jobs that I didn't feel shameful about, like when people would ask me what I did for work.
I could proudly say oh I help kids with autism and I help kids with behavioral issues and I felt like I was on the right track, not necessarily for me.
It wasn't that I wanted to be doing that but I felt as if I was doing what I should be doing and I was on the correct timeline for someone my age.
But then as most of you know if you listen to this podcast I tell the story all the time.
I wasn't happy and I left my job and my life drastically changed at 25 when I decided to start training to care.
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I am so privileged and grateful and over the moon.
Happy with the fact that I get to create content and I get to talk to you guys every single week.
And it's my job. It's literally the best job ever.
But as I've been reflecting and doing some shadow work, I realize that there's this voice in my head that tells me that I'm not doing enough and that I make a mistake.
And when I was journaling about this, I was like, why do I feel this way?
Why do I feel as if I'm not doing enough when I'm doing exactly what I've always wanted to do?
This has been a dream of mine since I was in middle school.
Why do I feel this way?
Especially when I'm so grateful for what I'm doing.
Why do I feel sometimes like I'm making the wrong decision?
Well, the reason I feel this way is because there's times where I allow other people and their expectations of me to mean more than my own expectations for me.
That voice telling me that I'm not enough isn't around when I post an episode and I get really good feedback from you guys and you tell me how much I've helped you.
That voice isn't around when I'm around like -minded people and we're having really good conversations.
That voice is around and it's the loudest when I'm around people who just don't get it.
You know, I talk to all of you every week and what I say makes sense, it resonates with you.
but I might say something to you and it lands and then say the same exact thing to someone, 10, 20, 30 years older than me and they're going to look at me and think that I'm a wacko and I'm delusional.
When I'm talking to a relative of mine and they say, what do you do for work?
And I say, oh, I post on the internet and I have a podcast. Of course they're not going to get it.
Of course, they're going to look at me the same way people used to look at me when I used to work at Subway before I worked at the elementary school.
When I would tell people I worked at Subway, they looked at me like I was an idiot and I was going nowhere in life.
I noticed a change in people's reactions when I went from working at Subway to working a more adult job at an elementary school.
People value things much differently, so if they don't value social media, of course they're going to look at me like I'm crazy and I'm going nowhere in life because they don't get it.
They don't see the value.
I only feel conflicted about what I'm doing and I only feel like I'm behind in life when I'm focused on what other people think.
It can be so overwhelming as you approach your mid to late 20s because there's so much pressure to have your lives together, to have a good balance of friendships and relationships, to have a well -established career and have a loaded checking and savings account while also buying a house and paying your bills.
There's just so many expectations that others have for you and that you have for yourself.
We're all pushed to believe that there's this imaginary timeline that we all have to follow and that if we deviate from it that we're failing and we're falling behind and we're not doing what we're supposed to be doing for our age.
If I was in high school and I was doing what I'm doing right now, I would be celebrated by the people who think what I'm doing right now as an adult is a distraction or not age appropriate.
There is so much pressure to be the best that you can be, but for your age, and when you're not hitting those marks that you think or other people think that you should be hitting, you feel like shit.
You feel behind. You feel ashamed for not being where you thought you'd be by that age.
You might've thought by 30 that you'd be settled into your career, making good money, having kids, getting married, And you look at what you're actually doing now and what your life is actually like and you're like wait a minute Oh, wait a minute.
I'm single I'm single and I can't find a job or I hate my job Or I don't want kids or I don't know what I want to do with my life and you're ashamed of that You feel like a failure and you feel like you're behind because you're not where you thought you'd be when I got out of college I had no idea what I wanted to do I had a degree But I didn't know what I wanted to do with a degree or if I even wanted to use that degree But then I found that job at the elementary school and I still even with that I didn't know what I wanted to do.
This episode is sponsored by Zoc Doc.
Like I said at the beginning of this episode I'm always sick.
I don't know what's going on with me, but I'm quite literally always sick But I'm someone who makes every excuse to not go to the doctor I definitely should go and make sure I don't have an autoimmune disease or something but I will make every excuse like I'm busy or I don't need help or one of my biggest reasons is I feel like whenever I go to the doctor they dismiss my needs.
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That's Z O C D O C dot com slash trying not ZOC doc dot com slash trying not i remember at one point my boss had asked me like what's your five to ten year plan and i straight up was like i don't know maybe go back to school maybe become a therapist probably not but maybe because that seemed like the correct answer that seemed like the correct next step that seemed like that's what i should be doing that's what's next on the timeline and now it's five years later and what I'm doing now is so different but just because it's different doesn't mean it's bad.
Timelines are arbitrary and they're different for everyone and that's why I hated when people would ask me like what's my five to ten year plan?
I don't know. I don't know because I can make that timeline and I still might not stick to it.
There are people who have a strict timeline and they stuck to it and that's great for them but there's also people just winging it.
Living day by day and have no idea what's going to come next and there's nothing wrong with that either.
There's literally no right or wrong way of living your life.
The only reason that you feel ashamed for not being quote unquote on track is because you feel like you need to obey this imaginary timeline that you gave yourself or that was fed to you.
There's literally no rule book telling you that in order to be successful, or in order to be valuable, you need to live your life a certain way you need to do things by a certain age.
The reason that i'm harping on this is because so many of us base our worth off of performance.
Not just what we're doing but how we're doing it, the outcome of it.
So staying in line with that timeline is so important to so many people because they think if i hit those marks that makes me better.
That makes me more successful.
That makes me more valuable.
It's the same thing as getting good grades or being really good at a sport.
We find value in performance and how well we perform for others.
So when we're not performing well for others, we feel ashamed of ourselves.
We feel like we're failing, but we don't have to feel that way.
We shouldn't have to feel that way.
We shouldn't be ashamed of ourselves just because we aren't who we thought we would be or where we thought we would be.
Just because we're not exactly who we thought we would be doesn't mean it's a bad thing.
It's okay that things didn't turn out exactly the way that you thought or others thought they would things did not turn exactly the way that I thought they were gonna turn out and I'm happy they didn't, I'm happier the way that I'm living my life now.
I think there's a lot of freedom and letting go of the should -haves, letting go of the I should have been doing this by this age, I should have been better at this, I should have been a certain way, and just accepting that this is how things are and this is who I am.
Of course, if you're not happy with the way things are or who you are, change that, but change that for you not because you think that people would like a different version of you better.
And if you do feel like you need to change yourself or you feel ashamed of who you are or what you're doing, ask yourself, why do I feel this way?
Why do I feel the need to change myself?
Why do I feel the need to be better?
Do I wanna be better for me or do I feel like I have to be better for others?
Like where are these expectations coming from?
Where did I learn that I wasn't good enough?
Was it someone from my childhood?
Was it my family? Was it social media?
Was it just my own expectations for myself?
Over the past couple of weeks, when I've been like reflecting on how I feel, there was a point where I had asked myself, why do I feel this way?
Why do I feel like I'm not enough?
Why do I feel like I'm behind?
And I realized in those moments where I didn't feel like I was doing enough or I felt behind that I was more focused on others and their opinions than how I actually felt because how I feel is happy and grateful and I love what I do.
I worked so hard to get to where I am.
I took a really big chance to get to where I am.
I mean, if you asked me in college how I would feel if I had a career in social media, like in a couple years you're gonna be doing social media full time, I would have lost my mind.
I wouldn't have believed you because that's all I ever wanted.
If in those moments where I caught myself of second guessing my path where I felt really small and I just took a second to think about how much I love what I'm doing and how this is what I wanna be doing.
I probably wouldn't have felt the way that I did.
I probably wouldn't have been second guessing myself because I would have had that reminder of like no you're not behind.
What the hell, you're right on track.
You're doing exactly what you want.
You're exactly who you wanna be.
Who cares if this person doesn't get it?
Who cares if this person doesn't like you?
Who cares what this person thinks?
When it comes to embracing who you are, I think you need to ask yourself, what do I want?
Who do I want to be?
Because once you figure that out, and once you're able to achieve that, it doesn't matter what people think.
It doesn't matter if people think that you're behind, or that you're a loser, or that you're embarrassing, or you're annoying, or you're too much. If you're content with where you're at, if you like who you are.
When I would tell people I worked at Subway, and I felt embarrassed, I felt that way.
because I didn't want to be doing that job, and honestly I didn't even hate the job.
I kind of actually like the job because I didn't have to do much and I guess eat my favorite food, but I didn't want to be doing that job because I knew I was destined for more.
I knew I was deserving of more, but now I love what I'm doing.
I love who I am, so why should I be ashamed of that?
Why should I go along with what this person is saying and just take their words as facts?
Why should I minimize my success?
They think what I'm doing is stupid.
They think I'm wasting my time.
They think that I'm going to regret what I'm doing.
That's fine. I want to be doing this.
I'm a very extroverted person.
I would say that I have a very bubbly personality, and when I go out for drinks, I can be loud.
Like I'm not someone who can just sit and sip on a drink.
If I'm going out for drinks, I want to have fun.
I want to talk, I want to dance.
I just want to have a good time, but I would be around people who didn't like that and they would look at me and say, you're so annoying, you're so obnoxious, why do you have to be so loud?
Why can't you talk at a normal volume?
And there was a point in my life where I internalized that and I was like, maybe I am annoying, maybe I do have to tone it down and I started to not like myself, so I tried to be less.
Less loud, less outgoing.
I tried to blend in, I tried to not be too much because I thought that's what I had to be to be liked.
But the thing is, I don't like being quiet.
I'm not the quiet, mysterious girl.
I'm very outspoken.
I have a lot of energy and I actually gravitate towards people who are like that, that match my energy.
I like to be around people who want to have a good time and sing and dance with me and talk my ear off.
So, why should I adjust how I am to fit in with people that I don't even like.
Like I'm trying to fit in with people that I wouldn't even gravitate towards.
I want to be having fun, but I'm trying to fit in with people who are boring and that don't match my energy.
Why? If I were to tell those people, hey, I don't think that you're fun.
I think you're boring.
I don't think you talk enough.
I don't think you try hard enough.
Do you think that they changed themselves for me?
Hell no. So why am I expected to change myself for them?
I shouldn't. I shouldn't change who I am.
I should embrace who I am and change the people that are around me.
Who expect me to change for them if people can't accept me for who I am and like me for who I am.
Then maybe that's what needs to change my life.
I need people around me who would never expect me to be someone else like you should be hanging out with me because you like me.
Otherwise, why did you pursue me in the first place?
If you didn't like me to begin with why did you want to be friends with me if you don't like how I am?
It's so valid to want to fit in and want to be accepted by other people.
It never feels good to be casted out or rejected or made fun of.
That's why so many of us hide who we really are and just go along with what everyone else is doing and what's deemed acceptable at that time whether it's how you're acting or what you're wearing or what you're saying.
We tend to bite our tongue and just go with the flow because that's what people want us to do.
But the more that we do that the more we suppress the real us.
And if everyone's doing that, if everyone's trying to fit in, and everyone's suppressing themselves, no one's being real.
Everyone's hiding who they really are out of fear of rejection and fear of what people think.
But we don't have to do that.
We don't have to hide who we are.
More times than not, the people who feel uncomfortable with you being yourself loudly and proudly feel that way, because it shines a light on the fact that they can't be themselves or they can't be who they want to be.
They see you being yourself being loud being fun being bubbly being friendly And they wish they could be that but they can't because they're scared but other people's Insecurities and projections are not your problem.
You don't have to dim your light to make other people feel more comfortable You don't need to shrink yourself to fit other people's comfort zone If other people don't feel comfortable dancing at that party you're posting on the internet or going the more Unconventional route when it comes to their career, that's fine They don't have to.
But they shouldn't expect you to follow in their footsteps.
Their way is the right way for them maybe, but the right way for you isn't doing what they're doing.
You don't need to fit what other people want you to be.
You don't have to downplay yourself to make people like you.
What actually matters is if you like you.
I like that I'm outgoing, and I'm an open book, and I know how to have a good time.
I like those things about me.
I think those are strengths.
So now that I recognize that I like these things about me and I don't want to change them, when people try to make me feel bad about those things, it doesn't phase me.
I don't feel the need to change myself for that person or those people.
And now when I notice that someone doesn't like me or doesn't like something about me, an alarm goes off in my head where it's like, oh, this person doesn't get me.
They don't get this or this person and I just like aren't going to hit it off.
This person isn't right for me.
Rather than me being like, oh I need to fix myself.
There's something wrong with me It's a lot easier for someone to make you feel bad about yourself or make you question your value When you don't see your value when you don't like yourself when you don't like what you're doing If I have an insecurity and someone points it out, obviously That's going to hurt and it's going to be harder to work through But if someone points out something that I love about myself and they're like, oh you're so annoying it's like well no I'm just outgoing and I speak my mind and I'm having a good time sorry that you don't know how to.
It doesn't eat at me the way that it used to because I've learned to embrace those things about me.
An important part of embracing yourself is embracing the parts of you that not everyone's going to like.
Honoring those quirks about you.
Not changing your lifestyle for other people not shaming yourself based off how other people view you.
making your own labels for yourself.
You think I'm annoying, you think I'm ugly, you think I'm a loser?
Well, I'm actually powerful and beautiful and creative and you just don't get that.
Also, going back to the whole timeline thing, embracing yourself is not feeling bad that you're not at the same place as everyone else, being able to look at where you're at, what you're doing and accepting that this is where I'm at and it's okay that I'm here.
I can still love myself while I'm growing.
I don't need to only like myself, once I've achieved something or once I've ended up where I wanna be, I can accept myself throughout the entire journey, not just at the end.
And I'm allowed to like myself.
I'm allowed to believe in myself.
I'm allowed to advocate for myself.
I'm allowed to be unapologetically myself.
I don't need to dim my light and I don't need to downplay how great I am or how great things are going for me.
when I would speak to people who didn't really get what I was doing online or didn't really understand social media or didn't really Value content creators and they would say oh, how's that?
How's a little social media thing going?
How's the tick -tock thing going?
I would downplay My success they'd say oh, how's the podcast coming along and I'd say oh, yeah, it's it's going good It's not a big deal.
It's just something I like to do.
It's like no it is a big deal.
It is a huge deal I'm helping people all over the world.
I'm living out my dream, and I'm doing exactly what I want.
That's a huge deal.
It's a privilege to be able to do what you want to do, to love what you do, not even to be dramatic.
This podcast is the most important thing in my life.
The best thing that I've ever done ever created because it's so much bigger than just me.
It is so so special to me.
So why am I saying?
it's not a big deal.
Why am I downplaying the most important thing in my life?
It's a huge deal. I was doing that because I knew that they didn't get it and I didn't want to come off a certain way.
I didn't want to make them feel uncomfortable.
I knew that some of those people were being passive -aggressive or giving me a backhand and compliment.
They didn't actually care and I didn't want to push back and make them uncomfortable, so I played into it.
Oh yeah, It's not a big deal.
No, it is a big deal.
It's a huge deal. We are allowed to shine.
We're allowed to exist loudly and proudly.
We're allowed to take up space.
If I were speaking to someone about something amazing that they accomplished, I would expect them to be beaming.
I would expect them to speak about how great this thing is and how much they love it.
So why am I not allowing myself to do the same?
Why am I minimizing my success?
Why am I minimizing my self to make someone else feel more comfortable?
If you're listening to this and it's resonating, anything I said today, if it resonates, please take it as a reminder or a sign to stop hiding.
Stop hiding who you are for other people.
Allow yourself to be seen because who you are is good enough.
Your ideas are good enough, your thoughts are good enough, your personality is good enough, your skills are good enough.
how you live your life is good enough as long as you're happy, as long as you're doing what you want.
No one who's happy and content with their life, who is focused on growing and doing good things in their life, is going to be looking at you and judging what you're doing.
No one who has good things going for them is going to be concerned with what you're doing.
They're not concerned with your timeline because they're too focused on their timeline.
So don't hide yourself or feel bad about yourself or try to change yourself for other people who don't even like themselves, who aren't content with their lives.
I'm telling you if someone is so busy looking and judging your life, it's because they don't have enough going on in theirs.
Something that I like to remind myself or ask myself is why do I care if someone doesn't like me when I don't even like them?
Why do I care that this person thinks that I'm behind in life when I would never or trade places with them.
That goes for anything.
If someone says I don't like your music taste, ask yourself would I enjoy listening to their playlist?
Probably not. I'd probably turn it off within 30 seconds, so why do I value their opinion and what they think about my music taste?
Why do I value their opinion more than my own?
Really think about that because that has actually helped me a lot in overcoming what people think about me.
But that is where I'm gonna wrap today's episode because if you can't tell, I don't know if you could hear it in my voice, my voice is giving out and it's so painful to talk.
But that's where I'm going to end today's episode.
I hope that it made sense.
I hope I wasn't just rambling.
I do want to leave you with the journal prompt if you're into journaling, because that's what's really been helping me lately.
I want you to ask yourself, what parts of me have I been hiding?
Why do I feel the need to hide those parts of me?
and what would it look like to fully embrace who I am or who I want to be?
I would love for you to share your responses if you feel comfortable.
You can always leave them on Spotify.
There's a little comment section or if you don't use Spotify, you can DM me or just like let me know on Instagram or of course, if you wanna keep it private, just do it on a journal on your notes app or just like think about it some more.
But I hope that those journal prompts help you.
I hope that this episode helped you.
As always, if you love Trying Not to Care, if you loved today's episode, let me know.
Rate it on Spotify and Apple, share it with a friend who you think needs to hear it or share it with me on Instagram so I know you're listening and that you're loving the episodes.
Thank you so much for listening to today's episode, I hope you loved it, I love you, and I will talk to you next Monday.
Hopefully next Monday my throat is better, and I'm better.
That's all we can hope for, right?
Alright, I love you, see you next Monday.
Good bye!
