Hello, everybody, and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology.
Hello, everybody. Welcome back to the show.
Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world.
It is so great to have you here back for another episode.
I don't know what it is at the moment, but there is something in the water because I have been receiving so many DMs, so many requests to do this episode.
And today I'm going to do it.
Let's jump into it.
We're going to talk about the long distance dilemma and that kind of age old question or in some ways a new age question of do I do long distance or do we end it here?
Is the distance too much of a hurdle in my relationship?
I think this is such a conundrum for those of us dating in our 20s.
During this decade, I think our romantic relationships suddenly take on a whole new level of zero when it's time to throw in the towel.
And I guess leave that relationship behind.
I think distance can be hard in any relationship.
It really disturbs our closeness.
It's harder to make shared memories.
It can also be really, really expensive when we account for for travel.
And I think it's hard when you have to say goodbye as well.
You know, there's no cutting corners here.
It's going to be difficult and it will test whether this person is the right one for you for all of the correct reasons.
It tests your boundaries.
It tests the nature of your innate can remain connected, backed by some fun psychological theories around connection, similarity and emotional intimacy.
So for all of my lovely listeners out there who have messaged me with questions and needing advice on their long distance relationship, this one is for you.
We're going to get into all the nitty gritty and hopefully provide some more clarity around what the future holds and answer some of those questions.
I'm so excited to get into it, to share a bit of my own experience and of course, all of the psychology that explains why distance can be so hard.
So without further ado, I say we jump right into the long distance dilemma.
Alrighty, let's picture this for a second.
You and your partner have been together for three years.
You met at 21 when you're at uni.
You were super in love, you're still super in love, you may even live together and you're really going steady.
You know, the future seems really bright, you can't live without them.
And then all of a sudden you get an amazing opportunity to move interstate.
It's an incredible offer, more money, you're young for so many reasons.
You know, our twenties are such a time of liberation and freedom.
You never know if you'll get this opportunity again or this level of freedom.
And I think one day we're inevitably going to be restricted by things like mortgages and children and aging and family.
So now is really the time I think where you're allowed to feel selfish, you're allowed to say yes.
And even if that's going to change your dynamic, if the person you are with is right for you, they are going to celebrate your success and your decision, they're not going to hold you back.
I think secondly, if you say no for the sake of staying together, this can potentially foster resentment if it alters kind of the balance of power and compromises between you both.
You know, when one partner consistently has to say no to things, especially when they benefit their personal or professional growth, it can create a real imbalance and I think a big degree of resentment.
You know, over time you begin to feel undervalued and there's also this idea of a sense of missed potential.
You know, there was a wonderful study done in 2017.
Obviously every situation is unique, but they are associated with more individual and relational stress compared to being in a proximal relationship, proximal meaning a short distance or local.
I think that's because at the end of the day, relationships are built on psychological and physical factors like proximity, closeness and reciprocity.
And when one of these is weakened, we can really struggle to maintain that romantic connection and sense of trust.
I think as humans, we do have an inherent need for physical closeness and when that connection is absent or limited, it contributes to feelings of loneliness, to feelings of longing and frustration, which are then projected onto your partner, projection being a psychological coping mechanism whereby we
attribute our own feelings to another person rather than acknowledging just the holistic difficulty of the situation that we are in.
You know, we don't see it as the distance.
We see it as our partner isn't putting in enough effort.
We see it as our partner is letting us down, that our partner is not willing to sacrifice for our disconnect.
It makes us feel like we are living separate lives, which in some ways we are.
And I know this perspective around why it's so hard is somewhat negative and maybe a bit of a downer, but I think all of this is just to say that A, if you're considering this, you should go into it prepared and B, if this is you currently, it's not your fault for feeling conflicted or for finding this hard.
It's biological, it's social, it's psychological, but it doesn't mean that it's the end because a lot of the time it can be worth it if the person where the relationship is headed.
If you're not on the same page around your values and your goals, the relationship is either going to crumble really quickly or you're going to find yourself in the same location again and then be like, what was the point of doing all of this?
So I would say having a shared sense of direction and purpose will help you navigate the challenges and make you feel like it's worth it.
The second thing to consider before you get into a long distance relationship is communication.
I feel like once again, super common sense, but effective communication is crucial in any relationship, but even more in this situation.
Reflect on your communication styles.
Is one of you a bit more hostile?
Does one of you close off?
What is your willingness, your equal willingness to be open and honest?
I think you have to realize that there will be effort there in investing and maintaining a strong connection, not just in terms of your communication styles, but also in terms of practical things like time zones and work schedules.
Your life is no longer conveniently in parallel.
It's now kind of perpendicular, where you meet at one single point during the day and you have to try and create situations where that is going to be most ideal for both of you.
The third thing I would say is trust.
Trust is such a nuanced psychological idea and it is the foundation of any successful relationship, but essentially it is this idea that you know that that other person will be in your corner and will make decisions in both their best interest but also your own best interest.
I think when you do long distance, the entire context of it is that you don't get to spend quality time and have hard discussions in person.
And if you are someone who is particularly jealous or perhaps has an anxious attachment style or childhood wounds surrounding abandonment, you are going to be triggered by your partner moving away.
So it may be worth having a deeper discussion about how you're going to manage that, what level of reassurance you need, what level of frequency of communication you're after, because unless you're both capable of fostering and preserving trust over the distance, it might be worth just simply going
on a break. The fourth element and consideration is your emotional and physical needs.
Consider what your physical needs are.
Partner is our primary source of socialization and source of entertainment and we spend so much time with them.
So evaluate the alternatives there.
And do you have a support system available to you?
I think it's really helpful to have friends or family or some other source of support who can provide you with emotional and practical assistance during challenging times or when that is not available from your partner.
We are not meant to be isolated, solitary creatures.
We are not meant to be deprived of physical touch or deprived of emotional intimacy.
So even though there may be just a really valuable to answer both before and during the distance.
And make sure you're brutally honest with yourself and with each other.
A study conducted in 2001 found that honesty is the main factor behind all of those elements of trust, of communication, of reciprocity, of closeness.
So I think it's a good place to start being honest whilst you're still close to each other and then that honesty can move forward with your relationship as you face distance.
You know, that involves regular check ins and communication, which I think is vital.
But there are some other strategies that we're going to give them the best chance we can, especially when we feel like we found the right one.
You know, that is really hard to do.
Let me tell you. So you want to hold onto that.
And I think the distance doesn't have to mean the end of our relationship, especially when we go into it rationally and with shared expectations, but also some good strategies.
So here are some very practical tips from my own experience, but also from friends and from some amazing therapists that I think are really useful.
There's five and they are the most repeated themes for managing long distance.
First of all, if this is you right now, you need an effect and it makes it appear like the time apart is moving faster.
We feel more mentally prepared and it feels like things are moving quicker and provides more of a sense of control.
So all of those amazing things, I think every time you see your partner, make sure that you have an end goal in sight and plan for the next time you'll see each other.
Psychologically, it will literally help you manage that so much better.
I think the second tip is around setting up date nights, developing enjoyable rituals and maintaining emotional intimacy.
Often when we enter into a long distance dynamic, the first thing we sacrifice is, of course, quality time.
And with that emotional intimacy, I think those things are very easy to cultivate when you are close and when you are conveniently close to a partner.
But when there's distance, obviously that's less easy.
So set aside dedicated time for virtual date nights and plan out activities that you can both enjoy together and kind of maintain excitement and novelty in the relationship.
You know, novelty is important.
You want to feel like you're still dating.
When I was doing long distance, we used to do these things called dinner dates, where we would both cook the same recipe together over Zoom.
We would buy the same bottle of wine and we would eat together over like literal video.
We would like sit down and have dinner with each other through our laptops.
Obviously not as good as the real thing, but I guess it leads into my next strategy, which is to put effort into those shared experiences.
You don't need to give up on joint interests and creating shared memories or sharing in activities together just because you're miles away.
I think after Covid, the world has evolved to be a lot more digital and virtual, and that's to the benefit of people who are doing a long distance.
You know, there are so many things you can do together, like Words With Friends, or you can play Scrabble, or you can do, I don't know, video games.
Do I sound like an idiot saying that?
Video games. You can do those together online, right?
I think so. Correct me if I'm wrong, but just things like that.
You know, watching movies using a shared screening service.
It feels like you're both in there together.
It feels like you're both doing something, a ritual, an activity that provides a sense of stability.
It provides a sense of comfort and shared identity in the relationship.
I've already mentioned this, but of course, check -ins, regular check -ins, once a month, set up some time to ask yourself and ask your partner difficult questions.
What could each of you be doing better?
Is there something that you're missing?
What's been happening in your lives that maybe you haven't spoken about?
I think it all comes back to that core factor for success, which is open communication and trust.
Those are your crucial ingredients here.
And finally, my fifth tip is kind of silly, but it's actually really useful.
That is to create a vision board or some physical reminder of why you're doing this.
Long distance is a marathon.
It's not a sprint. And it's kind of like this joint long -term goal you're pursuing together with the aim of one day being reunited.
When we treat it like a mutual goal, this greatly helps our perception of how achievable this will be, and we can use visual cues to help us with this.
When you're not seeing each other every day, you can forget why you're doing it.
So, create some vision board or physical reminder of what the long -term future holds.
Maybe that's like a dream life collaborative Pinterest board or a picture of where you're going to go on vacation next, or, you know, a piece of their clothing, or a visual tangible item that reminds you of them to keep them close and centered on why you're doing this in the first place.
That's just a selection.
Obviously, there are other notable tips, including expressing affection regularly, practicing gratitude, whatever keeps you connected.
However, we're talking about a dilemma here.
Sometimes you can be doing all of these things and it's still not enough.
A big question I get is when do we know it's time to end things?
When is the distance just too much?
When is it no longer worth it?
You know, I think sometimes it's not always that immediate decision of do I break up with them now, or do I try long distance?
What happens when you've given it a go?
And it's just not working.
I think it's a really hard thing to say.
But once you're even having these thoughts or even contemplating ending things, that is the biggest indicator that it may be time to have some serious conversations, because there is obviously some deepest dissatisfaction there that you're beginning to recognize, that's beginning to bubble up.
And coming to that realization can be so difficult.
And I think we often hold off on doing that and doing what we know is right because of a lot of factors.
The first one being this idea of the song.
