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This year I've been really rethinking my relationship with alcohol, and so I decided to commit to dry January to really kickstart 2025 and just test myself.
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Please welcome aboard the Johnson family.
The whole fans here for the Disney cruise, so you know we came to play.
And listen, the adults are going to have a ball.
First, we're chilling in the infinity pool, onto massages at Sense's spa, then gliding into Star Wars hyperspace lounge for a toast.
We're even going to kick back with Mickey on Disney's private eye.
That's how we get down, because Disney Cruise Line is where we came to play.
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s, and what they mean for our psychology.
Hello everybody, welcome back to the show, welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever you are.
Nice, but also how do I navigate from being so independent and single to being in like the most perfect relationship ever.
It's like a very steady relationship, even though it is so new, relatively new.
I'm like, and also I'm the queen of self -sabotage sometimes, so like, there'd be moments, like I'll be talking to Sal and she'll be like, shut up.
She'll be like, you don't need to do this.
I literally would say you were trying to ruin this, like you were self -sabotaging right now in this moment.
Stop it. You need a friend like that sometimes.
And that's because Sal is a guru.
Yeah, I've been in a relationship with my partner, Chris, for almost 15 years, so it'll be 15 years in August.
She's a veteran. And how did you meet him?
We met on Myspace. On Myspace?
Yes, literally. So we were both like two little emos when we were like, I had the confidence to just be myself.
I had the confidence to be like, well, if you don't like it, that's fine, because I like me.
And you don't want to date someone that doesn't like you.
Like there's so often, I would tell a boyfriend, turn around to me and say, yeah, I love you.
Just sometimes I don't like you.
Oh my God. And I laughed.
Like I thought it was funny.
And now I look back and I'm like, that was really mean.
That was cool. I don't know how I were having this conversation yesterday about how that is a real trope in relationships.
Like guys being like, oh, like we've got the, you know, I'm out with the boys, like free of the ball on chain or, you know, like people speak about their partners like that.
And it's like, no, you should actually like each other.
And there should be joy there.
And you should want to spend time with them.
Weird. That is so weird to me.
And I think that it's honestly a hard thing to learn made in past relationships is when you spend every waking minute together every night, especially in those early, that early period, like where you, that's like where all the bonding happens.
When you, when you conflate all of that oxytocin and that dopamine with the other person's presence, you become codependent.
But additionally, all of that time and all of that codependency, I honestly think just speeds up the timeline of the relationship.
If it's not the right one, it puts it under so much pressure because you need time to breathe.
You need time to receive stimulation from your friends, from your family, from your hobbies.
And when you don't allow the relationship to breathe, when you put it in a pressure cooker and you like almost join your hands together and won't let them go, all that's going to do is just completely just burn the string out and you'll be, you'll be done by the end of the week.
And you start irritating each other.
Like you will get to like the point that you're just like the sound of their voice makes me want to cry.
And how in love with you, how are we here?
It's because like you do need to give that breather.
You need to have that time that you're investing in other things, because as well, you're the only constant in your own life.
I so agree with that.
You can't rely on anyone else to be your social life, to be like the one solo person, to be your social life, your happiness, your entertainment.
Like you need to be that for yourself.
And then you need to pull on multiple resources for that.
You need to have your friends.
You need to have your like, I say work, but when I say work, I mean that thing that fuels you and makes you feel successful.
Yeah. And then your partner can also feed into that.
But it's so important to have those multiple energy sources that isn't just one person, because that energy source, if it is just that one person, will run out.
Yeah, that's like draining on both of you.
And also, when you're in a relationship, you're supposed to be growing together, but also individually.
And if you don't each have your own individual things going on, there's nothing new to bring to the relationship.
Like, there's no points of conversation.
There's no like, oh, I learned this, or I had this experience, and sharing that because it's like, oh, what you were there.
So then you just become stagnant.
And I think that's bad for both you as an individual, but also the relationship.
There's just nowhere to go from there.
And I wanted to ask as you live with your partner, Chris, now, did you have any of those fears of spending so much time together when you first moved in?
Yeah, a little bit.
So we've lived together for, I think, like six years now, but for the first seven or eight years, I'm bad at maths, of our relationship, I think we were almost in a long distance relationship because he lived about an hour and a half away from me when we first started dating.
Then I moved up to Sydney and we lived three hours away.
So we would only get to spend weekends together, pretty much.
So to go from that to then living together, I was a little bit concerned.
And I also know that like I love socializing, I love going to gigs.
I love to go out and have like a night out with the girls, Chris doesn't drink.
So there's differences in our lifestyles that I was like, okay, this will be interesting.
But I really had faith that it was going to be great.
And I was like, this is actually going to be so fun.
It's really going to bring us together.
But a lot of other people were saying, this is going to be a real test for your relationship.
And again, like, I feel like my gut instinct was like, no, this is going to be a good thing.
Like we've been dating for many years by this point.
Like, I would hope that I know him well enough that I think this is going to work.
And it did. Like, I think and I think it's because we have maintained those separate, like separations in our lives.
So, you know, he has his own group of friends that he'll hang out with, we have our own hobbies, we have both very different careers, but both very supportive of each other's work lives and are still like best friends at the end of the day also.
And we have a lot of fun together.
And I think that's the thing is we have like joy and laughter every single day that we will go one day without each other.
And I like am genuinely so excited to go home and see him.
So amazing. I think one thing as well that like, we both do in our relationships is we are not constantly talking throughout the day.
Like, we'll have like a few texts maybe of communication with our partners through the day, or sometimes we don't talk to them at all.
But it's there is no constant thread of communication throughout the whole day, especially if you live together.
I think at the start, and by at the start, I'm talking like the first month, I think it's okay to be completely infatuated with the person.
I think your friends, especially good ones, will sit there and watch and be like, love this for you.
Because they've also probably been there while you're dating absolute trash.
And they're like, please don't get back with your ex.
So when you actually meet someone good, they're like, yeah, stick stick.
Yeah, so I think it's actually okay to be guiltless about falling in love.
I think you shouldn't have to stress yourself out about being like, I've met this person, I really want to spend time with them this weekend.
But I don't know, do I have to say like, the girls like blah, blah, blah, that's okay, you can do that.
But once, you know, after a month, you definitely need to make sure that you're investing in your friendships in that month.
Also don't fall off the face of the earth, like, keep up communications and don't just speak about yourself.
Don't just speak about how happy you are and how amazing things are.
Definitely speak to it.
But not only about that, make sure that you're asking and investing in your friends lives as well.
I think what I've like, I've actually kind of found it a lot simpler in this relationship than others, because I like missing my partner, I like having time away and building that.
And it is hard, because when you are completely infatuated, and you're like, I just want to spend every second with you.
But I burned that bridge before, like, I've done that.
And I'm like, I know I don't want that.
Plus, I'm also infatuated with my friends.
So I think having that, those really good quality friends that you do genuinely feed off and want to see, and booking in those times, like have the girls night that you're like, Oh my God, I saw this really cool bar.
Let's all go on Friday and go.
You're going on Friday.
And it's not a chore.
You're not like, Oh, I've got to go see my friends.
If you feel like your boyfriend, sorry, I don't know if I can say that.
You can totally swear.
Yes. That does not count.
I think a lot of people think that counts.
Like, no, but we caught up last weekend.
Jason was there. So it doesn't count.
And people are different when their partners are there.
You can't talk about the gross little things that you do with the girls when you're like, Oh my God guys, I ate this food the other day.
And really what came out of me was not humanly possible.
Like you can't talk about that when, like it's just different and like, cause maybe you're comfortable to say that in front of your boyfriend, but your friend probably doesn't want to talk about the giant poo they did.
Yeah. So like, don't bring them.
And that's an important part of French.
Yeah. Like we were on a cruise and I think one thing that is kind of easy for me in mind is that a lot of my friends, like my friends and my boyfriend's friends had mutual friends.
So like when we're kind of spending time in a group atmosphere, it is very easy.
But what happens is like, he'll go off with like a group of people and then I'll chill with like another group that we don't need to be attached to the hip in those like social settings.
Like we can go to a party and be like, okay, Dilsis, see you in two hours.
And that's fine. And I love that.
I've had partners that like glued to my hip at an event and I was like, get off me.
And it's a lot, but I was going somewhere with this room.
Oh yeah. Like we recently went on a cruise with our group of friends and some of them are in relationships and then some of them are single.
And so it can be like a cruise.
There's not a lot of pickings for the singles.
And so then anyway, one of them, I was like, let's just do a girls night.
Like, let's like ditch the boys for one night and just hang out with the girls, like making sure that you're kind of showing up for your friendships, not just booking it in when it's convenient for you.
Like not being like, oh, I'm free on Friday night.
Why don't we get a drink then?
Definitely. That's amazing.
But making sure that if they're being like, Oh, I don't have anything on this weekend.
Do you want to hang out?
Like you're going like, even if maybe you were planning on just having a movie night with your partner, if you don't have like the most concrete of plants, making sure that you're still showing up for your friends, especially friends that you were like your single girlie with because for them, you don't
want them to feel abandoned.
Yeah. That it's like, they're like, well, we used to spend all this time together.
We used to go out and, you know, pick up and flirt and just, or just hang out together.
And then you don't want them to feel like you've just run off, found a boyfriend and their job's done.
Like they serve their purpose.
You don't want them to feel that way.
So making sure that you still show up for them whenever they do want to go out and have that fun time that you're there.
I really agree with this as someone who is single right now.
That's something that I have found.
It's almost something that you dread, like your friends get into a new relationship and you're like, oh, righty.
So am I about to be like the third, fourth option now, or is this going to, is this going to stay the same?
And you have to think appreciate from the other perspective that like you said, when your friend, someone you love is going through this incredible experience, you do really want to be there.
You do want to be happy for them.
But additionally, I do think that sometimes I've had experiences where friends have gotten into relationships and it's been impossible to get a hold of them.
And you just feel a little bit like it wasn't, it wasn't authentic, that what you feel like you've been dumped.
Yeah, you do. And it's like, you've been replaced.
And you're like, Hey, what about me?
Yeah. And it's the interesting thing.
Like I love your point about, I think if you are from the perspective of someone who has, like a lot of my friends are in longterm relationships now, please don't invite your partner unless they are explicitly invited.
I have one of my best friends, I, her and her, like her partner and I are actually friends.
So, but we met through her, but, and I don't mind if he's around, like, cause I actually, if she goes away, like she will go out and go shopping and he'll like stay at my place and like we'll just like have tea and chat or like, that's not a problem.
But the thing is that she does a good job at being like, all right, bugger off.
Her and I are going to hang out for a little bit.
And there is an understanding there that your, your friendships play an equally important part in your wellbeing as your relationships.
1000%. And I kind of also hate that notion that like, there's something bad about being single.
Like I don't know about you if you've ever experienced this, but when I was like people in relationship would be like, Oh, like, don't worry.
You'll find someone.
And you're like, I'm not looking.
Oh my gosh. You know what question of you two, both of you being in relationships, the thing I get all the time and I'm not looking for love.
I already found it.
No, I'm not. I think mine's like a bit of both.
I think I was like, do in my sexy single girl era and had taken the time to work on myself that like, there were definitely times that I was like, I'm not looking for a relationship.
I was like, absolutely not.
I'm so good doing me because I was working on myself.
I was having that time and was very problematically still engaging with an ex.
So it's so boring. Yeah.
A lot of things she's talking about.
Oh, I was like, wait, that's a bold thing to admit.
No, no, no, no, no, not months before I met my partner.
Like nearly a year before I met my partner.
And like we still had contact.
And then it got to a point that I was like, like, I can't move on.
Like I can't move on properly.
Like I definitely was not emotionally still there.
Like I was not in love with this person anymore, but it was a crutch.
And I was like, oh, you know what, this is not feeding me anymore.
And I was like, this is done.
And if I want to actually find someone that I want to be with, then I'm cutting this person off.
And that's exactly what I did.
And then a year later, I actually met my partner and it wasn't like planned.
I met them through mutual friends.
So like, that is kind of the way that like I wasn't expecting it.
But once I met them, I was like, yeah, I was like, this is, but it's only because I kind of shut off the things that was holding me back from being in a relationship.
Like I was like, okay, I'm not going to engage with things that kind of stunt me emotionally.
And I felt like I had that time to myself that I was like, cool.
I feel like I know who I am, that I'm actually confident to get into a relationship if I feel like it's going to be the right one.
And then like he can be presented itself because she was ready.
And I feel like my little teenage stuff was also the same.
But even though I was like, no, I'm ready for a boyfriend now, like, yeah, I'm where is he?
Like, but it's by that point, I knew what I did and didn't want out of a boyfriend, even just by like the shitty people that I'd interacted with as a young woman.
Yeah. But that's the thing.
Like you can't be looking for a relationship to make up for something that's missing in your life.
Like you should have everything your cup should be literally overflowing.
And then that overflow, you can give to a relationship.
That is such a beautiful metaphor.
I didn't make it up.
I've heard it somewhere.
I didn't want to coin it and someone be like, copyright.
But it is an analogy that I heard, I can't remember where, but that you or you can give to other people, your cup should remain full and you give others the overflow.
Yeah. Because they should be filling up your cup too.
So that way you are.
So if you are doing habits that constantly involve someone else, whether that is hanging out with your friends all the time, or it's hanging out with your partner all the time, or it's being at work all the time, there's nothing within those habits that is making you individual because it's coming from other
other habits that involve other people.
So you need to identify the habits that make you who you are and invest time into those again.
Because when you were single, you had all the time in the world to do that.
Whereas when you're in a relationship, your time shifts and it's so easy.
It's so easy to happen.
And you're not lesser than for that happening to everyone.
I feel like that's such a normal experience.
And I think as well as rebuilding those habits, perhaps exploring new ones, also have the conversation with your partner and be like, hey, I'm feeling this way.
I feel like I need to invest a little bit more time in myself.
Maybe you can do the same and communicate that.
So they're not like, wait, why are they pulling back?
What's going on? And don't over dramatize it though, cause I feel like if your partner comes to you randomly or you go to your partner randomly, he's like, yeah, I feel like I don't know who I am.
I'm going to spend some time alone.
I would be like, oh, is everything okay?
Like you'd be like, you know what I really miss going to Pilates.
I'm going to start doing that every Sunday morning and like do that.
And then I think as well with your friends, if you've, you know, let that part of your life slide, the most annoying thing is when a friend either breaks up with their partner or they realize that they've lost themselves.
And then they're like, hey, I'm back.
And they sort of just like expect everything to go back to normal.
If they've completely ditched you, that can be like a really frustrating feeling.
But what I've had in the past is people say, Hey, like I've realized that I've been spending a lot of time with my partner and no one else.
I'm so sorry. I just completely lost sight of everything else.
But I really want to put effort into this friendship.
That's such a beautiful way.
And I was like, I so respect that honesty and that introspection.
And then it didn't even give me the chance to be like, well, look who game girl is the only one back.
Cause I'm like, she knows.
Thank you. And thank you for acknowledging and like rushing it under the rug.
Yeah. And yes, let's go get coffee.
I love you. That's a bit, you're my best friend.
I had that happen. And it was, I think it's also one of those things where you can't expect that, like you said, fit everything to be the same.
I've like had that in the past where a friend has moved in with someone.
She moved in really quickly within like seven months.
They were super in love.
Two years later on, we hadn't heard from her for like a year and suddenly she was a wreck because this was her entire identity.
It had fallen apart and she came back and was like, okay, so why aren't we doing the same things anymore?
They broke up. She was like, why aren't we going out drinking all the time?
Why aren't we hanging out in each other's houses?
And I was like, because we all have jobs now and because we all have partners now and because we're all doing different things.
But I think she was really, she eventually came around to that realization and was like, I actually just really need some help.
And we were like, yeah, of course, like we'll do what we can.
So guys, I think this is all we have time for, but this has been an amazing episode.
I really want to ask both of you, this is something that the girls do on their show, Two Broke Chicks, life lesson, but what would be your life lesson from this conversation that you would like to instill to someone who may be questioning whether their relationship is getting in the way of their own
identity? I think the biggest life lesson is for this for me would be a reminder that like, you are so fun to hang out with.
Hanging out with yourself is the best time that you can ever invest in an investment.
And amazing banter and very incredible wisdom.
So thank you both for coming on the show.
Thank you for having us.
Where can they find you personally?
So you can listen to Two Broke Chicks.
We have a good podcast for Salt, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, We're Everywhere.
You can't get away from us.
Also on Instagram at Two Broke Chicks and on TikTok at Two Broke Chicks underscore.
That underscore will point us for it.
Someone else got there first and it's fair enough.
Early Bird gets the win.
That's true. And if not, you can catch us at Vasco in Surrey Hills every Friday night.
The outside and vodka lamp is waiting for you.
Very lovely. Well, thank you all for listening.
As always, if you enjoyed this episode, please feel free to leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, whatever you're listening right now.
If you have a friend who needs to hear this episode, send it to them.
What a read though.
Imagine if you sent it to your friend who was in a.
