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Guaranteed human.
Thanksgiving isn't just about food.
It's a day for us to show up for one another.
It's okay not to be okay sometimes and be able to build strength and love within each other.
I'm Elliot Connie, host of the podcast Family Therapy, a series where real families come together to heal and find hope.
I've always wanted us to have therapy, so this is such a beautiful opportunity.
Listen to season two of Family Therapy every Wednesday on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
Hi, friends.
Sophia Bush here, host of Work in Progress.
This week we had such a special guest a mentor, a friend, a wife, a mother, an author attorney advocate, television producer, and now she adds podcast host to the list.
Michelle Obama is here.
Sophia I'm.
The show was ahead of its time to represent a Black family in ways the television hadn't shown before.
Exactly.
It's Telma Hopkins, also known as Aunt Rachel.
And I'm Kelly Williams, or Laura Winslow.
On our podcast Welcome to the Family with Telma and Kelly, we're re-watching every episode of Family Matters.
We'll share behind-the-scenes stories about making the show.
Yeah, we'll even bring in some special guests to spill some tea.
Listen to Welcome to the Family with Telma and Kelly on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
Gratitude is contagious.
Sometimes you just need to borrow it.
When you're in a season of envy, when everyone else's joy feels like a reminder of what you don't have.
That's exactly when borrowing gratitude matters the most.
It sounds strange, but gratitude isn't always something you feel.
Sometimes it's something you witness.
When your heart can't access gratitude, start by noticing someone else's joy without judgment.
The number one health and wellness podcast.
Jay Shetty.
Jay Shetty.
The one, the only, Jay Shetty.
Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose.
I'm your host.
Jay Shetty, author of New York Times bestselling books Think Like a Monk and Eight Rules of Love.
If you haven't read either, I hope you take a moment to go and grab your copy.
If you love this podcast, I promise you you'll love the ancient wisdom, modern science and insight inside the books.
Now to today's episode.
Let's be honest when life isn't where you want it to be, the word gratitude can feel fake.
You know you should be thankful, but you look at your bank account, your job, your relationship status and it just feels hollow.
Especially when someone comes up to you and says something like, be grateful for what you have.
You should be thankful.
You should be grateful.
But sometimes that feels like being told to smile while everything falls apart.
Today I'm going to share with you practical thoughtful, powerful steps to actually help you understand gratitude and implement it, especially when you don't feel like it.
Not the forced kind, the kind that reconnects you to yourself, the kind that helps you breathe again.
And the reason is One of my favorite quotes that I read a long time ago says when you're grateful for what you have, you receive more to be grateful for.
What's also true is when you're grateful for what you have.
When you have more, you'll be able to be grateful.
Our mind tricks us into believing that when I have more, then I'll be thankful.
When I get that promotion, then I'll be grateful.
When my life shifts in this way, then I can appreciate it.
Not realizing that what we're living today was yesterday's dream.
Where we are right now is what we prayed for two years ago.
What you're achieving and receiving today is something you never even imagined.
But now that you have it and it feels familiar, it breaks it down.
Number one, separate gratitude from denial.
You don't have to pretend everything's okay to be grateful.
True gratitude isn't saying it's fine.
It's saying even though it's not fine, there's still something worth noticing.
It's not saying I'm going to pretend to avoid all the difficult things.
I'm going to pretend to avoid all the negative things.
And I'm just going to act like everything's perfect.
That's lying to yourself.
That's toxic positivity.
The science says people who acknowledge their struggles and gratitude experience higher resilience and lower depression than those who fake positivity.
That's mind-blowing.
Think about that for a second.
You actually saying hey, this is not working out in my life, but I'm really grateful for this friend.
Not as a counterbalance, right.
You're not trying to make it equal.
You're simply saying, I see both of these things in reality.
I see that my career isn't going the way I want, but I'm really grateful that I have a great group of friends.
That's going to reduce your depression.
Most of us learned gratitude as a kind of emotional cover-up.
When things go wrong, people say, just be grateful.
But that advice can land like a slap when you're hurting, because gratitude was never meant to erase your pain.
It was meant to sit beside it.
Let me say that again.
Gratitude was never meant to erase your pain.
It was meant to sit beside it.
Separating gratitude from denial means giving yourself permission to be both honest and hopeful.
People don't talk about how annoying it is when someone says, just be grateful.
You can be thankful and tired.
You can appreciate what's good without pretending everything is good.
When we use gratitude to suppress how we feel, it becomes toxic.
It disconnects us from our own truth.
But when we let it coexist with pain, it becomes healing.
Psychologists call this emotional granularity, the ability to hold complex emotions at once.
Studies show people who can acknowledge both joy and sorrow are more resilient, less anxious and bounce back faster from setbacks.
Gratitude isn't about pretending the storm isn't there.
It's standing in the rain and still being able to say, even now, something in me is alive learning, becoming.
That's not denial.
That's awakening.
And learn to say both truths out loud.
Start your gratitude sentences with even though.
So for example, even though I feel lonely, I'm grateful I still have people who care.
Even though work is stressful, I'm grateful I'm learning new skills.
It trains your mind to hold two realities at once, pain and perspective.
That's balance, not denial.
What we tend to do is do one or the other.
We tend to focus on everything that's going wrong.
We've all been there. or we tend to focus on everything that's going right.
And then what happens?
When you fake that everything's going right, all it takes is one little thing to trip you up.
And when you believe everything's going wrong well, you just keep digging a deeper hole for yourself.
Please start looking at your life and your world not as equal, not as perfectly balanced, but being able to notice the challenges and being able to notice the growth.
Life isn't about what happens to you.
It's about what you notice that is happening to you.
And so many of us only choose to notice the negative difficult, challenging things and we miss out and forget the beautiful powerful, incredible things.
Step number two, stop using gratitude to shut down emotions.
If you catch yourself saying, I shouldn't feel sad, other people have it worse, pause.
That's not gratitude.
That's guilt in disguise.
Instead say, I can feel sad and still appreciate what I have.
You're not disqualifying your feelings.
You're integrating them.
I think what's really interesting about that point is a lot of us almost feel like we're not allowed to feel sad.
We don't think we have the permission to be sad.
Now, the truth is, everyone will generally find someone who's worse off than them, but it's not about comparing your pain, because then you're not allowing it to live there.
You're not allowing it to flow through you and process it.
So here's what I want you to try.
Write what's hard and then what's here.
In your journal or even in a notes app, draw two columns.
The left side, what's hard right now?
The right side, what's still good right now?
When you can see both on the same page, your brain learns that gratitude doesn't erase struggle.
It coexists with it.
And this has been a game changer in my life, because we constantly think wait, I shouldn't feel this emotion.
And when you feel you shouldn't feel emotion, you now start to feel guilt and shame.
And when guilt and shame take over, we get into a really dark and difficult place.
I also want you to try this.
Replace at least with and.
We often say things like, at least I still have a job.
That phrase minimizes your feelings.
Try saying this instead.
This is hard and I'm grateful I still have a job.
That simple word, and, instead of at least, keeps your experience whole.
The other principle inside of this is feel it, don't force it.
If you can't feel grateful, don't fake it.
Start smaller.
Notice one thing that doesn't hurt today.
A warm shower, breathing, your favorite song.
Gratitude isn't a performance, it's presence.
When you stop using gratitude as a mask and start using it as medicine.
It doesn't numb you, it nourishes you.
You stop pretending your life is perfect and start realizing it's real.
Way number two is start with what stayed.
When life falls apart, focus on what remained.
We usually focus on everything that was lost, changed or disappeared.
But ask yourself, Who checked on you?
What part of yourself showed up when everything else fell away?
When life falls apart, our minds go straight to what's missing.
The job we lost, the person who left, the dream that didn't happen.
We replay it, analyze it, try to understand it.
But rarely do we stop and ask, what stayed?
Because even when everything changes, something always remains.
Maybe it's your best friend who still picks up the phone.
Maybe it's your morning walk, your sense of humor, your faith or the strength you didn't know you had.
Gratitude doesn't mean ignoring the loss.
It means anchoring yourself to what's still here.
When you start with what stayed, you remind yourself that not everything was taken from you.
Every time you lose something, Life is also showing you something that stayed.
What can't be taken.
What's real.
And when you focus on that, you stop feeling like you're rebuilding from zero.
Because you're not.
You're rebuilding from truth.
The strongest people aren't the ones who never lost anything.
They're the ones who recognize what stayed.
Who noticed what remained, who see who is still around when everyone left them, because they recognize that this was all they ever had anyway.
Try this.
Write down three things that didn't leave you this year.
A friend, a habit, a value, whatever it may be.
That list is your real foundation.
Step number three, gratitude through contrast.
You don't need to be grateful for what's perfect.
Just grateful for what's better than before.
We spend so much of our lives looking sideways scrolling comparing, measuring ourselves against everyone else's highlight reel.
Gratitude doesn't grow when you look at others.
It grows when you look back at yourself.
Because comparison to others triggers envy and scarcity.
But comparison to your past self reveals evidence of growth.
You see how far you've actually come, not how far ahead other people are.
Think about it when you're climbing a mountain, climbing a hill.
If you're on a hike and you're constantly looking at the people who are ahead of you, you feel despondent.
You feel disappointed.
You feel harsh on yourself.
You might have that inner critic.
But if you turn and look back at how far you've come, you feel inspired and motivated.
Stop comparing yourself to other people.
If you're going to compare yourself, only compare yourself to a past version of yourself.
When you compare yourself to others, it distracts you.
When you compare yourself to where you were, it motivates you.
Think about this.
The things you take for granted right now were once things you prayed for.
The calm you feel today used to be chaos.
The strength you have now was once survival mode.
When you compare you to you, gratitude becomes self-compassion, not competition.
So the next time you catch yourself thinking you're behind, ask a different question.
Am I further along than I was?
If the answer is yes, even slightly, that's something to thank yourself for.
Gratitude isn't about being ahead of anyone.
It's about recognizing you're not who you used to be.
You don't need a new life to feel grateful, just a new lens to see how far you've come.
Ray Dalio once said to me, pain plus reflection equals progress.
That's resilience.
Reflecting on your pain.
You've been through so much.
You... been through so much.
You've done so many difficult things.
When you recognize and reflect on them, you get more energy for future challenges.
If you compare yourself to everyone else's timeline, you will always feel behind.
If you compare yourself to where you were, you will always feel ahead.
Stop comparing yourself to people who have their own pace.
If you keep comparing your life to someone else's, you'll start doubting blessings you once prayed for.
Everyone's ahead in something and behind in something else.
Comparison makes you chase timelines that were never meant for you.
You don't need to catch up.
You need to come back to your own pace, your own story, your own timing.
The truth is, Most people aren't doing better than you.
They're just posting faster.
It's okay not to be okay sometimes and be able to build strength and love within each other.
Thanksgiving isn't just about food.
It's a day for us to show up for one another.
I'm Elliot Connie, host of the podcast Family Therapy.
A series where real families come together to heal and find hope.
What would be a clue that would be like, I've gotten lots of text messages from him.
This one's from a little bit better of a version of him.
Because he's feeding himself well.
It's always a concern.
Like, are you eating well?
He's actually an amazing cook.
There was this one time where we had neighbors and I saved their dog and I ended up inviting them over for food.
And that was like one of my proudest moments.
This is Family Therapy.
Real families, real stories on a journey to heal together.
Listen to Season 2 of Family Therapy every Wednesday on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
I'm Jonathan Goldstein and on the new season of Heavyweight, I help a centenarian mend a broken heart.
How can a 101-year-old woman...
And I help a man atone for an armed robbery he committed at 14 years old.
And so I pointed the gun at him and said, this isn't a joke.
And he got down, and I remember feeling kind of a surge of like, okay, this is power.
Plus, my old friend Gregor and his brother tried to solve my problems.
We could give you a whole brand new thing where you're like super charming all the time.
Being more able to look people in the eye.
Not always hide behind a microphone.
Listen to Heavyweight on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
And some of you may know me as Laura Winslow.
And I'm Thelma, also known as Aunt Rachel.
If those names ring a bell, then you probably are familiar with the show that we were both on back in the 90s called Family Matters.
Kelly and I have done a lot of things and played a lot of roles over the years.
But both of us are just so proud to have been part of Family Matters.
Did you know that we were one of the longest running sitcoms with a black cast when we were making the show?
There were so many moments filled with joy and laughter and cut up that I will never forget.
Oh, girl, you got that right.
The look that you all give me is so black.
All black people know about the look.
On each episode of Welcome to the Family, we'll share personal reflections about making the show.
Yeah, we'll even bring in part of the cast and some other special guests to join in the fun and spill some tea.
Listen to Welcome to the Family with Telma and Kelly on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
Step four is called micro-gratitude, the 10-second pause.
Forget journaling pages of gratitude lists.
Throughout your day, Take 10 seconds to say something good is happening right now.
The coffee aroma, the sound of laughter, the sunlight through your window.
Neurologically, this rewires your amygdala, the brain's fear center, to recognize safety cues.
That's how gratitude calms anxiety in real time.
And then feel it in your body, not just in your head.
Thinking about gratitude doesn't change you. feeling it does.
When you recall a moment you're thankful for, breathe and notice where you feel it.
Warmth in your chest, softness in your jaw, ease in your shoulders.
Harvard research shows that embodied gratitude triggers oxytocin release, the connection hormone.
It's like giving your nervous system a hug.
Then reframe the waiting season.
When your life isn't where you want it to be, it's easy to resent waiting.
But the truth is, growth seasons rarely look glamorous.
This changed my life when I learned it.
Bamboo spends five years growing roots underground before it breaks the surface.
You're not behind.
You're building underneath.
Gratitude in this phase means thanking the roots, not the flowers.
When you're in a waiting season, it feels like everyone else is moving, getting promoted, falling in love, figuring it out.
When you're stuck, refreshing the same page of your life.
You start to wonder if you've done something wrong, if the universe forgot about you, or if the dream you're chasing even exists.
But the truth is, waiting seasons aren't wasted.
They're preparing.
Every seed spends time underground before it sees light.
The bamboo plant spends years growing invisible roots before it shoots up 90 feet in a matter of weeks.
If you judged it during the waiting, you'd think nothing was happening, but everything was.
The same is true for you.
The waiting season is where your roots deepen, your patience, your humility, your trust, your character.
What looks like delay is often design.
It's usually growth in a different direction.
Let me give you an example.
No one ever walks into a building and says, I love the foundation of this building.
People like the colors, the aesthetics, everything else.
But without the foundation, the building doesn't even exist.
So instead of asking, why isn't it happening yet?
Try asking, who am I becoming while I wait?
Because one day the doors will open and the person you've become in the choir will be the reason you're ready to walk through them.
Please wait. don't feel behind because you think someone else is ahead.
You're not in the same race.
You're not even running on the same track.
Their pace has nothing to do with your purpose.
The truth is, nobody's really ahead.
They're just in a different chapter, learning a different lesson.
Maybe theirs is about arrival and yours is about becoming.
Maybe they got what they wanted, but you're learning what actually matters.
Every path has its own timing.
Some people bloom in their 20s, others in their 40s.
Some find love early.
Others find themselves first.
Life doesn't reward the fastest.
It rewards the most faithful.
Step number seven, borrow gratitude early. when you can't find your own.
If you can't feel grateful for your own life, witness someone else's joy.
Watch a kid play, an old couple laugh, a friend achieve something, and let yourself smile for them.
Research from Emory University found that observing someone else's gratitude activates the same brain regions as feeling it yourself.
Gratitude is contagious.
Sometimes you just need to borrow it.
When you're in a season of envy, when everyone else's joy feels like a reminder of what you don't have.
That's exactly when borrowing gratitude matters the most.
It sounds strange, but gratitude isn't always something you feel.
Sometimes it's something you witness.
When your heart can't access gratitude, start by noticing someone else's joy without judgment.
Watch your child laugh uncontrollably.
A friend get engaged.
A stranger dance like nobody's watching.
Instead of tightening with envy, whisper quietly to yourself, that's beautiful.
You don't need to feel it for you yet.
Just let yourself feel it for them.
Next, turn envy into information.
Ask, what does their happiness show me about what I truly desire?
Envy isn't proof you're ungrateful.
It's a compass pointing towards something meaningful.
Once you name what that is love recognition freedom purpose, you can begin to thank life for showing you what you value.
And finally, practice proxy gratitude.
When you can't say, I'm happy for me, say, I'm happy for them.
Over time, that emotion builds emotional muscle memory.
The more you celebrate others' blessings, the less your own heart stays closed.
Because joy isn't a limited resource.
It's a shared current.
When you borrow someone else's gratitude, you're not stealing it.
You're learning how to feel again.
Being happy for someone when you're winning is easy.
Your cup is full, your confidence is steady, and their success feels like a reflection of abundance.
But being happy for someone when you're losing That's the real test.
That's when envy whispers that life is unfair, that their moments somehow took yours.
But here's the truth.
Their light doesn't dim yours.
It just reveals where your wounds still want healing.
Being happy for someone when you're losing isn't about pretending you're fine.
It's about saying I'm proud of them even while I'm hurting.
That's emotional maturity.
That's strength.
Step number eight, thank the version of you that survived.
Write a thank you note to your past self, the one who kept going when it was hard.
Neuroscientists call this the self-compassion recall.
It activates the medial prefrontal cortex, increasing emotional regulation and self-worth.
We spend so much time trying to move on from our past that we forget to thank the person who got us through it.
The version of you who stayed up all night worrying but still showed up to work.
The one who loved people who didn't love back.
The one who held everything together when no one noticed.
That version wasn't perfect, but they were powerful.
Without them, you wouldn't be here.
Thanking the version of you who survived isn't self-indulgence.
It's self-respect.
It's saying you did the best you could with what you had.
And that was enough.
Most of us skip this step.
We rush to become wiser, calmer, more healed.
But the you who endured is the foundation of the you who's evolving.
Thank the version of you who survived.
The one who held it together when everything felt like it was falling apart.
The one who got out of bed when they didn't want to.
Who went to work with a broken heart.
Thank the version of you who didn't have the answers but kept going anyway.
Who made decisions they weren't proud of but did the best they could with what they knew.
Who stayed kind even when life wasn't.
You don't have to hate who you were just because you've grown.
That version of you wasn't weak.
They were doing what it took to survive.
You don't owe them judgment.
You owe them gratitude.
Because without them, you wouldn't be here, trying again, healing, rebuilding, becoming.
I truly hope this episode inspires you with gratitude so that you can truly find meaning in your life, create more memories to be grateful for and share gratitude with anyone and everyone.
Choose one person personally and one person professionally for the next seven days to share gratitude with.
Don't keep it in a journal or a book or a page.
Go and share it with real people and watch how your life changes.
Thanks so much for listening today.
I love spending this time for you and remember I'm forever in your corner and always rooting for you.
Take care.
If you love this episode, you'll really enjoy my episode with Selena Gomez on befriending your inner critic and how to speak to yourself with more compassion.
My fears are only going to continue to show me what I'm capable of.
The more that I face my fears, the more that I feel I'm gaining strength and gaining wisdom.
And I just want to keep doing that.
I'm Jonathan Goldstein.
And on the new season of Heavyweight... And so I pointed the gun at him and said, this isn't a joke.
A man who robbed a bank when he was 14 years old.
And a centenarian rediscovers a love lost 80 years ago.
How can a 101-year-old woman fall in love again?
Listen to Heavyweight on the iHeartRadio app.
Welcome to our new podcast, Viva Betty!
We're re-watching the series from start to finish.
And talking to iconic guests like Betty herself, America Ferreira.
There was this moment when the glasses went on and it was like, this is our Betty.
Listen to Viva Betty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
We were in the car like a rolling stone came on and he said there's a line in there about your mother.
And I said, what?
What I would do if I didn't feel like I was being accepted is choose an identity that other people can't have.
I knew something had happened to me in the middle of the night, but I couldn't hold on to what had happened.
These are just a few of the moving and important stories on my 13th season of Family Secrets.
Listen to Family Secrets on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
