These are my personal opinions.
Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well-being.
All right.
I hope this episode is interesting to you.
It's interesting to me.
I like it.
I like the subject.
The subject is, let me pull up my notes here.
Because what am I calling it?
I'm calling it the eight myths of life and relationships.
I think as I grew up, as I was a teenager and went into my 20s and my 30s and just kept Going through the years of life and relationships, I believed certain things.
Certain values were instilled in me or I developed certain philosophies and certain beliefs that came along, that I adopted.
And I realized that.
You know, later on in life, when I became wiser in some ways, I learned that not all of this is true.
Everything that we learn isn't always true.
And it can actually work against us if we're using old beliefs, old philosophies, dysfunctional beliefs, dysfunctional I don't want to say dysfunctional values, but unhealthy values or unproductive, unresourceful values.
That we believe we should value, but it actually puts us in a worse place in our hearts and our minds.
And we walk around feeling more stressed and overwhelmed.
And when we don't address these things and we just keep them in our system, in our thoughts, when we keep doing what we always do, what do we get?
We get what we always get.
And moving forward, that may or may not be good.
If you are getting things that you don't like, if you are having outcomes that don't work for you, that don't serve you and that don't make you happy, then you might stay where you are for the When you don't address your beliefs, your values, your personal boundaries, your relationships, the place you work, how you show up in life, how you show up to other people, how you interact, how you communicate.
Because we have a foundation, a structure that we operate from.
And then, when we live our lives based on that foundation or structure or set of rules or guidelines or boundaries, we might actually be causing our own misery.
And so I like to avoid misery.
And sometimes I have to do that by asking myself if the belief I have about a certain thing serves me.
Like do I believe that we are the only life form in the universe, in this massive, infinite universe that is so massive that you can't even comprehend?
Nobody can comprehend it, at least um, mathematically or visually, because it's just, i mean, it doesn't end and it continues to expand.
So are we the only ones in the entire universe?
And I think it would not serve me to say that we're the only life forms at least intelligent?
I should say intelligent life forms.
It doesn't serve me to believe that we're the only life forms in the entire universe, because it makes me feel very small, isolated.
It makes me feel alone.
I mean semi-seriously.
I don't really spend a lot of time thinking like that, but If I choose to believe that we are the only intelligent life in the entire cosmos, then there is a certain seed of loneliness that comes with that.
And so it doesn't serve me to believe that.
Now, if it's true or not, that's not the point.
The point for me is, is does it serve me?
This doesn't mean I blatantly disregard facts.
Like, if we learned that we really were the only life form, then you know, if there was evidence to that, then I would say okay, I guess that's the case and I'll have to accept it.
And now I can move on with that belief and integrate it into my system.
And I look at all beliefs like that.
Because a belief is something that you believe is true but doesn't necessarily have enough evidence to say it's a fact.
At least that's my definition of sort of my definition of what a belief is.
And having these beliefs can guide us through our life.
And if we have faulty or beliefs that don't serve us well, we might get bad outcomes.
We might get outcomes that make us unhappy.
Or end up in toxic relationships or toxic work environments or places that we don't want to be, people that we don't want to be around.
And so it's important, in my opinion, to question what you believe and what is guiding you, what is motivating you to make the decisions that you make.
So this is what this episode is about.
You may already know some of this stuff, which is very good.
And you may want to know some of this stuff, which is very good.
And this is from my brain.
This isn't like a universal truth.
Although in my belief system, it is.
So however, you accept that, you can say well, I trust Paul and I'm going to listen to him and I'll believe whatever he says.
And that would be crazy, but that could be your belief system.
And if it works for you, If believing what I say works for you, then keep doing it.
If believing what I say doesn't work for you and gives you bad results, then stop doing it and be discerning.
I fully endorse everyone to have their own head, their own brain, their own thoughts in everything that I say and everything that I talk about, because I would rather you feel empowered inside yourself, working on your own systems of belief, your own foundation of values and knowledge, and whatever you, whatever is driving you then to have to Rely on an external source that you can't always have faith in, or at least have faith in the information that's coming out?
Like this podcast.
There's information coming out of this podcast that's either going to serve you or not.
There's information that comes at you from the internet, from other podcasts, from other movies and TV shows and people and Every bit of influence out there is coming at you and it's important to be discerning.
So there's a little disclaimer in there I kind of said, if that helps you.
But I'm going to just start with the eight myths about life and relationships that I have adopted that may help you, may improve your life.
Maybe you already knew, like I said, or maybe you need to know.
So let's begin.
The first myth that I want to debunk right now is no one can make you feel anything.
Some of these might be controversial, but when somebody says no one can make you feel this emotion.
No one can make you feel sad.
You're choosing to feel sad.
You have thoughts going on in your head that bring you to the point of sadness.
Yes, and there are some people that are so clever with their words, with their influence, that they can yes, make you feel a certain way.
They can make you feel guilty by saying certain things because they instill beliefs in you.
They instill doubt in you.
So there's beliefs and there's doubts and they can instill new values in you, like new priorities.
Like why aren't you taking care of your kids instead of watching TV?
They can instill a new value in you, even though you already take care of your kids.
If you have kids and already prioritize your kids.
But that one 10-minute moment throughout the day that you sat down to watch TV, they guilt you on.
Somebody guilts you about.
And so now they're trying to instill guilt where it wasn't there before.
And you feel guilty because yeah, there's a series of thought processes that go on that cause you to doubt yourself, that cause you to question yourself.
And some people are so good at it that, yes, they can make you feel how they want you to feel.
Because if you are in a disempowered place, some people want to make you feel that way so that they keep their power over you.
That's not the typical healthy relationship.
Hopefully that's not a relationship that you're in.
But there are some people out there that want to keep you disempowered so that they can control you, so that they can have power over you.
And if you're sitting there thinking, oh, gee, they're right.
I feel guilty now.
I should go.
I should stop watching TV and do this other thing they want me to do, because they're right about everything they said.
Now they're making you feel how they want you to feel.
So I know the argument is yeah, but your history, your experience, your beliefs about yourself, your self worth, your level of self love, your level of self trust can be influenced in a way to lead you to make you feel bad about yourself which yes, is self-initiated but very unconsciously, very much deeply ingrained in you.
And some people take advantage of that.
And that taking advantage of part is somebody making you feel how they want you to feel.
So that's myth number one.
No one can make you feel anything.
That's not true.
Some people can make you feel something, and some people do it on purpose, and Some people want you to feel that feeling, that emotion, have certain thoughts or whatever, So that they can either keep their power over you or influence you to do something that they want you to do, Regardless of how you feel about it.
Myth number two you have to forgive.
To heal Controversial, I know, but You don't have to forgive.
This is my opinion.
This is my belief.
It's what serves me.
But there are some people that have done such heinous things that they don't deserve forgiveness.
That's going to fly in the face of some religious beliefs, and I realize that.
But I believe that all forgiveness is self-forgiveness.
It is forgiving yourself or, what I like to say, forgiving yourself a break For thinking that you could have done better or should have done something different, but didn't.
Because often what happens is when somebody does something that is terrible and we think back about how we showed up, then we can blame ourselves.
Like, I should have done this.
I should have done that.
And we hold on to the blame toward ourselves.
Which is why I believe that all forgiveness is self-forgiveness.
Because once you forgive yourself, then you're open to either forgiving someone else if you want or not.
But you have to let yourself go.
You have to give yourself a break because you didn't know what you didn't know until you knew it.
You didn't have the resources you have now.
You didn't have them then.
Now you know what you should have done differently, but you didn't back then, because if you did, you would have done differently.
You would have done something different, but you didn't.
And that's not your fault.
It's just where you were at the time.
You made the best decisions with the resources that you had at the time.
And then when something happened, you might have blamed yourself.
You might have been mad at yourself.
So before you choose to forgive others, make sure that you are forgiving yourself first.
Forgive yourself a break for how you showed up back then.
If you have any anger or hurt feelings or doubt that you could have done something differently.
If you have any of those negative feelings toward yourself, forgive yourself.
Let it go.
Give yourself a break.
You now know what to do if that were to happen, but you didn't know then.
And if you tell me yeah, but I should have known, then or I did know and I just made the wrong decision.
You would have made the right decision if you knew better, but you didn't.
So forgive yourself and give yourself a break.
You have learned from that experience and you can take what you have learned with you to make sure nothing like that ever happens again.
And hopefully it won't.
And if it does, then you'll have different resources and different knowledge and different experience to make a different decision if you want to.
Sometimes we make the best decision even though no decision works well.
But we do our best.
So what about forgiving other people?
That's where some people are stuck.
I have to forgive because that's about healing.
Or God says this and God says that.
That might be your belief.
And if that is, then always do what serves you best, and what serves you is what empowers you, what serves you is what makes you feel good inside.
So if you tell me paul, i don't need to forgive myself, i need to forgive that person, and that makes me feel good, then do it.
I'm not going to stop you from doing that, because i'm all about empowering you, or at least self-empowerment.
I'm all about you empowering yourself so that you feel better inside yourself.
You believe you're making the best decision for you, for others, for everyone's best interest, or you just know that it's the right thing to do?
So that's what you're going to do.
And after your decision, how do you feel about yourself?
How do you feel inside yourself?
The belief that serves me well is I don't have to forgive that person for doing what he did to that person.
Because to me it's unforgivable.
But I can forgive myself for how I showed up, for not being able to stop him, for not being able to know better, for not calling the police, for all this stuff.
I can forgive myself and I can put the energy that I have toward him and transform it into positive energy toward the person he hurt.
Yes, I'm talking about someone specific, but I don't want to give the details away.
But that's what I'm thinking now.
Something real that happened in my life with people I know.
And so that act is unforgivable to me.
It could be forgivable to you, but that act What he did was unforgivable to me.
And so I will put all of that energy toward me and toward the person he hurt.
And I'll also, and this is part of my forgiveness process, I'll also let him go.
Let him be.
And I'll be apathetic toward him and not really care if he, whatever happens to him, if he dies, if he lives his life until he's 90 or whatever, I won't care because I'm not connected to him anymore.
It's like a tether.
Like some people see a lack of forgiveness as that tether.
Like I'm still attached to them.
I'm still attached to the issue.
I'm still attached to what happened.
And I want to disconnect from that person.
And some people think that forgiveness is a way to disconnect and move forward and take the high road.
Show others that this is who I am.
And I'm going to love you by letting you go.
And again, these might all work for you.
Everything that I'm talking about might work for somebody out there.
And if it does, keep doing it.
But if it doesn't, there are other ways.
There are other ways to move forward so that you feel good in yourself.
Because here's what happens.
If you don't feel good inside yourself because you, let's just say that you forgave someone and it feels like you're letting them get away with it by forgiving, that doesn't really serve you well.
So if that's how you feel like oh, I forgave them, but it feels like they got away with it and I'm still angry with them.
Guess what happens to that anger?
It stays with you.
It moves forward with you throughout your life and it ends up in other relationships, because that's your foundation.
It's not totally who you are or what you're made up of, but it's in there.
And because it's in there, it can come out in certain ways.
It can come out in, um, conversations and arguments.
It can come out, uh, against all people of that, uh, gender of that.
I mean, it can turn into other things and that's extreme, but you get.
What I'm saying is that if we don't find a way to disconnect in a healthy way that makes us feel good inside about ourselves, we can hold onto it and it turns into other things.
I'm not saying it always does.
I'm just saying it can happen that way, which is why I'm a proponent of of forgiving myself for how I showed up at that time and moving forward and letting that person go.
And I can still love them in a different way, as a human being, as somebody who makes mistakes and somebody who is doing their best with the resources they have.
But it stay connected with them, keep them in my life in any way.
I can just move on and they can go their way, I can go my way, and then I can feel better about myself and everyone that he has affected in life.
I can put my energy toward them if they're still in my life.
So, number two took a while, but that's the number two myth about life and relationships.
Number three is...
You'll never find anyone better or you'll end up alone.
Obviously, I'm talking about romantic relationships where you maybe have gotten into one and then they left or you left or it didn't work out well and suddenly you're alone and you believe, I'll never find anyone better or I'll always be alone from this point on.
Or maybe you've never been in a relationship and you feel like you'll always be alone, and this will be the way it is from now.
Now, until eternity.
And I can understand that feeling because I've had it many times in my life.
Every time I believed that I would end up alone, I ended up with somebody in my life.
It might have taken a while, but I ended up with somebody in my life eventually.
But I 100% believed That was it.
In fact, part of this is I'm never going to be happy again.
I'm going to be alone.
No one's ever going to love me the way they loved me.
On and on and on.
The things that we tell ourselves, that we convince ourselves.
That must be true, because the one and only person out of the 9 billion people on earth that could ever possibly love us and show us that kind of connection and that kind of intimacy.
That one person is now gone from my life and there's no chance.
Out of the 9 billion people on earth, there's no chance that I'll ever meet anyone like them again.
Oh yeah, that part's true.
You'll probably never meet anyone like them again.
But believing that you'll be alone from this point on or you'll never find anyone better.
I remember my divorce.
I was divorced a good 15 years ago.
And my belief was, that's it.
That was the person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with.
And she is gone.
That means I'll be unhappy for the rest of my life.
That means I'll be alone for the rest of my life because I can't make marriage work, which means there must be something wrong with me.
And if there's something wrong with me, nobody else is going to want me.
And coincidentally, that was the time I chose to be single so that I could work on myself, and that changed everything.
And of course, if you've been listening a while, you know, that's what you have to do.
You have to continue to try to improve yourself and work on your dysfunctions and insecurities and trying to get past all of these things that are holding us back.
And so what was holding me back?
Yes, the fear of being alone, the fear of being abandoned, the insecurities from my childhood because I felt neglect.
And it wasn't overt neglect.
My mom wasn't there to give me the love and support that I needed, even though she did except she was spending most of her time protecting us kids from the abusive alcoholic in our life.
And so, as a kid, I interpreted that as a lack of love and a lack of connection and affection, even though yeah, some of that wasn't there, but it couldn't be there because she was protecting us.
And so as children, that's what we do.
We interpret things in a way that may not be true.
So we have to heal from those belief systems that we're talking about right now even.
And so I spent most of my life with a fear of abandonment, a fear of being alone, a fear of rejection.
And having these fears, I brought them into my relationships and that pushed other people away, because that caused me to be controlling and jealous and possessive and that people in my life didn't want to deal with that.
So they left.
I created the environment that somebody didn't want to be in.
But I didn't know I was creating that environment.
I just thought that these people should stay and I had to do things to make them stay and try to keep them in my life, because if they left I would be unhappy for the rest of my life.
And so I had to heal those dysfunctions and insecurities inside of me by working through old traumas and such
And I've talked about it for over a decade now on what I've done in my life to heal that stuff.
And I try to share that on the air and do what I can to help those who need it.
And you know, going through the same thing that I might have gone through, or any type of neglect and the dysfunctions and the old, unhealthy coping mechanisms that we developed as children.
And when we heal those things, our life changes.
The path that we're on changes because we're making different decisions and we're choosing different people to be around and to be in our life.
And so choosing to be alone and single after my divorce helped me get in touch with myself, learn who I was, learn what I wanted in my life and start healing from all these fears and insecurities that I was carrying around with me.
And once I did that, the type of people that came into my life and I chose to be around and who wanted to be around me changed change, they're different and the different people brought a different type of relationship into my life.
So, between the lines, there are things that you can do in your own life that change the people that come into your life and the ones that you keep in, that you keep in your life and that can be a possible path to meeting someone that not only makes you happy but maybe happier than ever, Maybe happier than you've ever been with this other person, or no other person, because of the changes that you make in your own life.
And I realize there are people listening right now that say, you know, I've done everything.
I've worked on myself.
What you're saying isn't true.
Just because you're working yourself, you're going to attract other people.
Here's the thing.
Sometimes we say no to people that we don't believe will be a good match for us when they might be.
I'm not saying that's always the case.
I'm not saying that everything I say is 100% true all the time.
I'm saying that sometimes we might dismiss people that could be someone that might make us happier, because they aren't the ideal person that we would normally choose.
You know if you're looking for a romantic relationship.
Case in point and I love this example my mom.
She was in an abusive relationship for 40 years with my stepfather and she decided that's it.
I'm going to be alone and I want to be alone.
I do not want to meet anyone else because being in a relationship is painful.
So that was her belief.
And then one day, a few years later, She frequented the dump to dump stuff off.
I mean, in New Hampshire, that's what you do.
You go to the dump and you drop off your stuff.
Not all people have curbside service.
And she was dropping off her stuff.
And somebody, I don't know if he was a worker there or he visited there, but he saw her a lot there.
This guy is like 30 years younger than her.
Almost my age.
And he just loved her personality and they got along.
You know he would talk to her and they would laugh and my mom's always laughing and stuff.
And so one day she's walking across the parking lot, not at the dump, but somewhere else.
And he sees her and he approaches her and he says Hey Hey uh, I just want to ask if you want to have coffee sometime.
And she's like, what?
What are you talking about?
Because, again, he could be her son, like my age.
And she said she didn't know what to do with that information.
And it wasn't somebody that she would seek out.
And it was really strange because he was so young.
And, and this is kind of funny, he mentioned all the cat hair on her jacket.
Not exactly the best opening line.
She found it a little strange, a little weird, but she decided okay I'll, I'll have coffee with you and or whatever they agreed to.
And from that point on, they were inseparable.
They became a couple.
And coincidentally, a few months after they met, she was being kicked out of her rental home because the person she had been renting from for eight years decided that she was going to sell the house.
And so she got this 30-day notice that came out of nowhere.
And even though that's legal, it was like hey, I'm going to kick the senior citizen out of her home that she's been living in for eight years.
Good luck.
That's what it felt like.
But again, it was legal.
She had every right to do that, the landlord.
But wow, it put my mom in this very, very scary, precarious position because she lives alone and what is she going to do?
But she just happened to meet this guy that adores her and wants to be with her.
I know some people have their suspicions.
Oh, he's so young.
My mom, she doesn't have money.
She's not making lots of money and some young guy comes along and says, hey, let's get married.
It's not like that at all.
He actually loves her.
And I've known him long enough to know that he loves her because he adores her.
He makes her coffee every morning.
He makes sure that she is happy.
And wow, I don't care what age he is.
If that's what he's doing for my mom, fantastic.
Because my mom deserves that after 40 years of abuse.
And so there she is in this relationship with this guy that is just about my age and she's happy.
And so again she was getting kicked out of her rental home and he came along and said move in with me.
And she's thinking it's too soon, but you know, she's nearing 80.
What's too soon mean when you're nearing 80?
It's like, well, the sooner the better.
Not that that's too old, but you know, as you get older, time is different.
And so she ended up moving in with him, and he ended up, along with a few other of my family members, helping her move out.
And she had a lot of stuff.
So they had to move all this stuff out in a very short period of time.
And good thing he came along.
So that's just a little happy side story.
But it is the epitome of there's a lid for every pot.
And sometimes we don't know what that looks like.
Somebody comes along and says, hi, could be a relationship that makes you happier than ever.
She wasn't looking for one.
She didn't want one.
And they had coffee one day and suddenly it's magic.
Everything works out for her and it all lined up.
It's really strange how that happens.
But I do believe you have to be open.
You have to be open and willing to say yes to things that maybe you would not normally say yes to, just to see what happens.
And this is a deep subject and I'm not saying it's going to work for everyone, but sometimes we just have to see what the universe offers when we follow a certain path and see where it takes us.
But I do want to address some people's beliefs that they'll never find anyone better or that they'll end up alone.
And yeah, she was 76 77 when she ended up with somebody.
My age at the time was like i think he's two years older than me and uh, i never saw that coming.
She never saw that coming and they're happy, happier than ever, and they're just like you.
Look at them and you think that's so incompatible, that's not gonna work.
And it does, it works.
And so I see that over and over again.
And there's also maybe a spiritual element to this, because some people have to line things up in their life.
So they'll be ready for the other person who's lining things up in their life.
For example, when I was married my previous marriage I had to get past my marriage to meet Asha because she was single and she was waiting for someone to be in her life.
And she was trying everything she could to have a happy relationship.
But she looks at me and says you know, if you weren't married and you didn't learn the things that you learned and then we got together we wouldn't have lasted.
So you Paul, needed to go through your marriage and learn everything you needed to learn so that you would heal.
You know you're taking that alone time and working on your issues, your challenges, your dysfunctions, your insecurities, so that when we met we would be more compatible.
That's what happens sometimes.
And this is my belief.
It serves me.
It may not be a belief of yours, but my belief is that there are things that have to line up in order to meet the right person that gives you the happiness or the outcome that you want.
Or sometimes it's the outcome you don't want.
Sometimes you meet a person that teaches you a lesson, so that you can meet somebody else new or can start a new phase of your life.
And sometimes that happens.
And It's a very deep subject.
I could go way off into the weeds here.
But I just want to make sure that you never believe that you'll never find anyone better or that you'll end up alone.
Because having that belief doesn't serve you.
That's my belief.
It doesn't serve you to think that you'll end up alone.
Unless you're happy alone.
Unless it does serve you.
If you think that you'll never find anyone better...
And you're not in a relationship now and you're okay with it.
It would be hard to believe for me, but if you're okay with it, then I'm okay with it.
Not that you need my permission or anything like that, but I'm okay with whatever works for you.
So if you say I'll end up alone and you're okay with it, great.
As long as you're happy.
When you're going in the right direction, you feel like you're going in the right direction.
If you feel like you'll never find anyone better and you're miserable about it, that belief may not serve you.
And that's when it's time to open up and realize hey, you know, Paul's 77-year-old mom at the time met this younger guy.
That was not compatible with her at all, at least from the way it looked, from the way the two people are completely different.
And yet they're happy.
They're happy together and everything seemed to work out.
So maybe that's going to happen to me too.
Maybe it's something to look forward to.
And again, this is a deeper subject, because there are people out there who have been alone for many years and I know that.
I know that you've been alone for many years.
And sometimes yes, we do have to clean up our own stuff.
Get different people in our lives, get away from the environment that we're in, change some of the aspects of ourselves not in a bad way, but in a healthier, more improved way.
Maybe it is just getting past some of the old beliefs that we have, that we can bring with us so that we can be open to other people.
And I know there is trauma involved too.
Some people carry trauma forward and say I'm never going to get into a relationship with that type of person again, or any person again, because I have all this trauma.
And that can hold us back as well.
And again, deeper subject.
Don't want to go too deep.
And let me just end number three, the myth number three that you'll never find anyone better.
That after my divorce, I actually told myself, well, that's it.
I'll never be happy again.
And I'll never find anyone better until I told myself the following.
I said, okay, or I asked myself this question.
What if someone did come along that was just as attractive, if not more, was just as fun to be with, if not more?
Even though it's not the name of your ex-wife?
If that all of that were true, would you consider being in a relationship with them?
And my answer was, of course I mean, if that was the person that I met they were attractive and funny and the intimacy was there and all of that was in the picture then definitely, I would absolutely have a relationship with them.
And thinking that way finally got me past the idea that I'll never find anyone better.
And it opened my mind to the idea that I may not find anyone better, but I could find someone just as good, if not better, because they're different, not the same.
And I was looking for people who were the same.
And so that's when my mind started open.
So I'm going to get past myth number three now and go on to myth number four, so we can get through these.
Myth number four is toxic people will change if you love them enough.
This probably doesn't need to be said, but the more you care about someone and love someone and dote on them and accommodate them, if they're toxic and they haven't changed they won't.
The toxic person who is either abusive or they're mean, or all of the above.
If they are doing things that make you unhappy or make you feel bad about yourself, then don't expect them to change by loving them more or doing more things to them or doing what you believe they want you to do.
Because if you do that, what you're doing is feeding the toxicity instead of changing it.
You could even be amplifying it instead of changing it.
Because people are who they are until they decide to change or until something happens to them that's so consequential.
So accountable.
Something happens that makes them feel so much accountability that they realize if I don't change, I'm always going to get bad results.
Toxic people need to experience something like that typically to change.
Like there's something so consequential that happens in their life that if they don't change, they're always going to get these bad results.
And some people realize it.
Some of them realize it.
Some of them don't.
When they don't, they keep getting what they're getting.
And that might mean they're in a relationship for 10 20, 30 or, like my stepfather, 40 years, with his wife hating him the whole time.
He wasn't happy either.
He was not happy with a partner who hated him, but he created this mess because he was so toxic and he didn't believe that he was in the wrong.
He believed that everybody else needed to accommodate him and change for him.
And those who did just fed into the dysfunction, just fed into the toxicity, just kept it going.
There's an enablement that goes on there.
And this isn't to victim blame or shame.
I'm just giving you the facts.
This is what happens is if we try to love a toxic person more, they will probably stay toxic.
If not more, because what are we doing?
We're reinforcing toxic behavior because the toxic person will say, well, they're still in my life.
So I guess I can't be that bad.
And so if we reinforce that by letting them know that their toxic behaviors only leads to loving behaviors from us, that will obviously create an issue.
So never think that toxic people will change if you love them enough.
That's not how it is.
It doesn't mean you shouldn't love people, even if they're toxic.
It's just that sometimes they need to know that their behaviors are unacceptable.
And if their behaviors are unacceptable.
We have to show certain people the consequences of their behaviors.
And that might mean we if it's a romantic relationship, we might have to separate for a while or stay in another bedroom or stay on the couch, just to show that that behavior is unacceptable and I won't tolerate it.
And this is What happens when you do that?
Or maybe you have to walk out.
Maybe you have to get a divorce.
Maybe all of that.
But the point is, some people won't change.
And even though we're nicer, more loving, it doesn't mean they are going to be nicer or more loving.
Because again, some people just won't change.
Number five, everyone deserves a second chance.
No.
It's not true.
Not everyone deserves a second chance.
Some people have done terrible things and that's it.
I'm walking away.
I'm getting out of your life.
You're getting out of my life.
I won't give you a second chance because I don't want to take the chance.
My belief is that not everyone deserves a second chance.
Sometimes they do something that, whether it's unforgivable or whether you just can't trust them again, you don't have to give them a second chance.
That's my belief.
That doesn't mean that you can't be nice to them or show them courtesy and nice manners and things like that, but it might mean the relationship changes.
I know somebody who has.
I can't remember who it is, but I remember they lied to me and I realized oh, this person lies, when they don't want to face the consequences of their behavior.
And so now the relationship with them has changed.
I don't have this person in my life anymore.
It's been a long time, but I've had people in my life like that, where they have done something that I found out about.
I didn't like it.
And it's not that I gave them a second chance.
It's just that I put them in a new space in my head.
Like, oh, this person lies.
That's where they are from now on.
This person cheats.
This person betrays.
This person is a racist.
And now that's where they are in my head.
I know I don't actually hang around with racists, but if I knew somebody that was a racist, I would say okay, that's where they are and that's where they're going to stay.
And what I mean by that is, I am very careful not to develop any further closeness with certain people, because I'm not going to give them a second chance.
Some people I will, of course.
They made a mistake.
That's no problem.
You made a mistake.
Of course, you'll get a second chance.
But if it's something intentional, something hurtful, something mean, wow, where did that come from?
I'm not going to give you a second chance.
Now, that doesn't mean they don't get a second chance.
That doesn't mean they can't earn their way back into my heart or my life.
This is how I see it.
Some people, let's just say they're a liar and I caught them on a lie.
And now they're in this little compartment in my head.
And that's where they'll always be.
Oh, this person lies.
That's where they are in my head.
And that's how close the relationship or not close the relationship will ever be.
They will always be this liar in my head.
And let's just say they come to me one day and say you know I really feel bad for lying to you that that day.
And I've realized that I did that to protect myself because I was afraid of the consequences.
I was afraid of other people.
And I'm working on that in myself.
I would take that as a step forward.
That's a step forward toward healing what has happened between us.
That doesn't mean I'm giving them a second chance.
It just means there's a chance that this relationship could come back to the way it was, or even better.
And it probably would, if they were humble and vulnerable and expressed that.
To me that's certainly second chance material.
But it's not something that I would necessarily do with everyone, as far as you know.
I wouldn't say hey, I'll give you a second chance, but I would keep the door open for certain people, even like infidelity.
I've heard from a lot of people that have experienced infidelity who have written to me and said you know, I really want this relationship to work.
Yes, they did cheat on me, but I believe we have something special and they feel really awful.
And they said they would never do it again.
And I have a whole article on infidelity.
If you ever want to read it, it's really good.
It's, you know, I think it's really good.
It's about infidelity, how to deal with it, and also both sides of it.
And you can find that it's called surviving infidelity, I think.
Go to TheOverwhelmedBraincom and look in the search field for infidelity and you'll find a few articles on that.
But that's reached a lot of people and a lot of people have learned what to expect from it and how to get through it, especially if you want to work on the relationship and improve it.
Because sometimes, believe it or not, infidelity can, or at least the aftermath of infidelity can, turn into a very strong, honest relationship.
Because
Whatever led up to the infidelity is now being worked on and healed.
And whatever led up to the infidelity.
If that's no longer in the relationship, it could turn into a different relationship.
Not all relationships can survive it, I'm sorry to say, because some people don't learn their lessons and they'll cheat again.
But there are things to look for when somebody has done that to you, or if you've done that to somebody, there are things to look for in the relationship to know if that's going to work out or not.
But myth number five about everyone deserves a second chance.
Does it mean that you give the infidel a second chance?
You don't have to.
You can just move on with your life and maybe they'll show up in your life again.
And maybe they'll say something like, wow, when I did that, I had to learn a lot.
I was really young.
I was stupid.
I made these choices and I lied to you.
And maybe they'll come clean and maybe they'll be a different person.
And maybe then you'll give them a chance.
But I don't think a second chance is the way to look at it.
I think a second chance is when you give in and hope things work out.
That's a second chance as opposed to a new start.
A new start is when there has been actual change.
Because second chance implies that you may not be totally over what happened and totally past what happened and still have healing to do.
Whereas a new start has the implication that you're in a new place, that you are in a new space inside yourself and are ready to move forward with something different than you had.
Where a second chance has an air of, well, let's see what happens.
And so it's not the strongest myth here, but that's where I go with that one.
Everyone deserves a second chance, do they?
Do you have to give a second chance because you are that type of person?
Or can you say, okay, it's not going to work out.
What happened happened and now I'm moving on.
It's okay to move on sometimes.
It's okay to move forward sometimes.
Because that's what you need to do for you.
I have moved forward from some non-romantic relationships because they weren't exactly conducive to my well-being.
They didn't make me all warm and fuzzy having them.
They gave me different feelings.
In fact, they gave me a little bit of stress.
And so some relationships aren't worth that.
And so yeah, you can make this mistake and sure you might be able to earn your way back into my heart.
But it's not like I'm going to open the door and say hey, let's try again.
Not with everything.
Some things I will, some things I won't.
Okay, let's go to myth number six about life and relationships.
Family is forever.
Blood is thicker than water.
I can already hear people going, no way, that's not always true.
And I believe that.
I believe it's not always true.
Yes, family is something that we'll probably do more for, typically.
We'll probably be more forgiving of.
But some family?
I don't know.
Maybe it's because I've had family that I won't be there for.
Actually, my stepfather has passed now, so that is no longer a part of my life.
But...
When he was, I wasn't going to be there for him because he was so hurtful and abusive for so long.
And not even toward me, but toward people I love.
And so these other people that I love took my priority.
And I would not give this other person the time of day when I have these other people that he's hurt my life and I want to keep them as close to me as possible, while this other person can just move on with his life, go away.
He did.
He went away and my life got better as soon as I let him go, and I let him go without hate, I forgave myself for how I showed up and I let him go without hate and I just was again apathetic and just let him be.
Let him go off on his way, wherever he needed to be.
And if he ever showed up in my life again, then I would honor myself around him and make sure that my life didn't change because of him and that he wasn't affecting or negatively affecting the people that I cared about.
So if I needed to intervene which I never really had to except once And I made sure that he didn't play a toxic role in my life anymore.
So it's interesting that myth number six is family is forever.
Blood is thicker than water which, if you're not familiar with that phrase, just means we always pull through for family, and they always take precedent.
They are always number one in our life.
Even if somebody else comes along and they've done a lot for us, family comes first.
And sometimes that means people believe that even toxic family come before good, healthy other people that are not family in our life.
And I just don't believe that's the way to operate.
If you have family in your life, that is just awful.
You know, blood being thicker than water to me means it's harder to get away from certain people because it's harder to get away from family.
Typically, it's harder to get away with the people that you're all connected to.
You're all associated and related to.
And if you have an instilled or intrinsic belief that family is forever and blood is thicker than water and your life isn't going as you want it because certain family members are in your life.
Just think about it.
Think about how that family member or those people in your family are affecting you in a negative way and ask yourself what life would look like without them.
It's sort of like the, I'm not saying that you should get rid of them.
I'm not saying like, okay, now get rid of them.
I'm not saying that at all.
I'm actually saying, what do you want your life to look like?
And are certain people preventing that from happening?
Because if they are, then it might be time to change how you make decisions.
For example, I used to make decisions based on how certain people would react, instead of making decisions based on what I wanted.
So when I made decisions based on how certain people would react, I would get maybe the bare minimum of what I wanted, or maybe not at all.
Maybe I wouldn't get what I wanted at all.
And I would stay not so happy.
But when I learned about what personal boundaries are and what it takes to make decisions from a place of power instead of a place of fear, I started going in what I believe to be the best direction for me.
Instead of fearing what somebody might say or do because of a direction that I want to go, I instead asked myself the question.
You've probably heard me say this before, if you've been listening a while.
What would I do or say if I had absolutely no fear of the consequences?
And I started asking myself that question.
And that's when I found my power.
That's when I stepped into my power.
And that's when toxic people or other people that affect me in a negative way started to disappear from my life.
So it wasn't necessarily me walking away from them or leaving a job or getting a divorce.
It was me showing up differently, not allowing other people to affect my decisions.
And that is empowerment.
That is an empowering thing to do.
And that's when things changed because I never said, well, he's my stepfather.
I have to do this.
Or well, he's a, you know, my cousin, he's my, or she's my, my niece, my aunt, or whatever.
And even though she's been horrible to me, I guess, Because she's family, I have to take her in or I have to whatever.
I don't believe that blood dictates decision.
I believe that true family are the ones who love and support you most.
That's how I gauge and qualify family.
The ones who love and support you most.
If they don't love and support you, it doesn't mean they're bad people.
They're just not part of my family.
They might be related to me, but they're not part of my family.
7.
Someone's past isn't a good enough reason to mistreat you today.
This probably doesn't need an explanation, but if someone has had a horrible or abusive past, They have the opportunity to change who they are today.
They have that opportunity.
I'm not saying it's easy.
I'm not saying it's quick.
I'm not saying it doesn't require outside professional help or whatever.
I'm saying that it's not an excuse or a reason to mistreat you today.
So, no matter what somebody has experienced in the past which could be the worst thing possible, worst thing ever that you've ever heard,
It's not a pass.
It's not justification for how they treat you today.
And really I'm talking to the people who give not only second chances but 10 chances and 100 chances over and over again, because they have so much compassion and empathy for a person who has suffered that they are willing to suffer themselves.
They are willing to go through suffering themselves because they believe that the person hurting them can't help it, or something along those lines where if they can't help it, it's just how they've been conditioned or how they've been treated when they were younger.
So it's coming out now and maybe one's heart is so big and there's so much compassion and love that goes toward a person who's been hurt that they forego their own well-being and sacrifice their own happiness just because they feel bad or have so much compassion toward somebody who's been through a lot.
And yes, people who have been through a lot deserve compassion, but it should never override your own happiness and it should never be justification for your suffering.
And what that means is I don't deserve to be treated the way they treated you.
I don't deserve it just like you didn't deserve it.
And in fact, I'll be the role model by not allowing you to hurt me the way you were hurt.
I'm not saying you say this to a person doing that.
I'm saying, you say that in your mind and you say in order for this cycle to end, someone has to end it.
Someone has to say, no, that's not good behavior.
I won't accept it.
And again, this may not be something you say directly to a person doing that.
Maybe they're dangerous.
If they're dangerous, you have to keep yourself safe.
You have to protect yourself.
You don't want to start wars.
Because the war can lead to more suffering.
But you do want to say in your own mind, I don't deserve to be hurt the way they were hurt.
Or worse than they were hurt.
Or whatever.
As a result of them being hurt.
Because I don't deserve that.
And that is the magic formula.
I don't deserve this.
And if this is happening to me, then I have to remind myself that I don't deserve this.
And because I don't deserve this, I'm going to make it stop.
Whether that means stepping back or having a conversation with them, telling them they're hurting me.
And if they don't want to stop, even after they know they're hurting me, then I might have to go one step further.
But The line has to stop.
The cycle of hurtful, traumatic, abusive behavior has to stop.
And sometimes we are the ones that have to make it stop.
That doesn't mean we necessarily have to stop them.
It just means we have to protect ourselves to show them that their behavior has consequences.
Like I was saying earlier, there has to be accountability for bad behavior or the bad behavior never ends.
And so sometimes we have to put our foot down to end it.
And that usually means taking the first step to protect ourselves.
So yes, we help others by protecting ourselves.
It's not our job to fix them or heal them.
It's our job to protect ourselves, and Because people who really do love and support us want us to be happy and safe.
So somebody who really cares about you doesn't want to hurt you.
They want you to feel happy and safe.
But if they're hurting you, then that's not loving.
That's not supportive.
They may believe they love you, but their version of love is dysfunctional.
It is hurtful and they need to learn that treating someone that way is not right.
And that doesn't mean you have to teach them.
It just means they have to understand that certain behaviors have certain consequences.
And sometimes that's what you need to do.
Sometimes you need to show people that it is not acceptable by doing things that make them realize that their behaviors are what drive you away instead of keep you there.
All right, let's go to the last one.
Number eight, you should always explain your decisions to those who don't understand.
I lied.
That's not a myth.
If you believe this, if you believe that you should always explain your decisions to those who don't understand, let me just give you this reminder
Again, this isn't a myth, but I wanted to throw this in there because I wanted to talk about it.
You're an adult now.
And if you're not an adult, you're almost an adult because you're listening to a show like this.
But There's a point where you will make decisions for yourself, and this is only for those who need to hear it.
There are those who don't, but if you need to hear this, there's a point where you'll make decisions that other people won't agree with, and that's okay.
There's a point where you will want to do something with your life and others will say you shouldn't do that or why do you want to do that?
And they'll give you a hard time.
And it's okay for you to say because I want to, instead of saying well, you know, I got a raise at work and this happened.
And now that I'm in a better space, you don't have to say any of that.
You can just say, because I want to, or nothing at all, because it's my decision.
How about that?
You know, it's funny.
I'll give my wife a hard time when she says goodbye to people.
You know, she's on the phone with somebody.
And then it's been a long time.
And then she says well, I got to let you go because And then she'll explain why she has to let them go.
And, you know, that's fine.
I'm not saying that's bad or wrong.
But she does it.
And I tell her, you know, you don't have to tell...
Your son, why you have to go.
And she doesn't need to hear this, but I say it anyway.
It's okay to say, okay, I'm going to go now.
It's okay to just say that.
Like my mom, I love talking with my mom because we can get into a conversation that takes 30 seconds and I can tell my mom all right mom, I'm going to go.
And she'll say, okay.
And that's it.
There's no explanation required there.
And she is allowed to do the same thing with me.
She'll say something like, oh, I got to go, you know, so-and-so's here.
I'll say, okay, mom, I'll talk to you later.
I love you.
Bye.
And that's it.
We're done.
And it makes life so much easier when you don't have to explain yourself to people.
Because, as an adult, you have every right to do things for your own reasons and understand When somebody has a problem with those reasons.
Because some people do, some people will give you a hard time.
Some people will say something about your decision making.
All you have to do is say, you know, that's my decision.
I'm choosing to make it.
Well, why?
Tell me why.
I don't have to tell you why.
This is the decision I'm choosing to make.
And yes, I know there will be conflict when you speak directly like that, you know, with some people.
Some people will not be able to accept that you have every right to speak up for yourself or tell someone directly what you're doing, without having to explain what you're doing.
And, you know, there are times like if my wife said, hey, I'm going to be gone for a month.
And I said, why?
What do you mean you're going to be gone for a month?
What's going on?
If she said, because I just want to.
That might be something to have a conversation about.
Yes.
But if you told your parents, I'm going to quit my job.
And why are you quitting your job?
I can't believe you're quitting your job.
Yeah, that could happen.
And that's fine.
And you might want to explain it.
That's fine, too, because you brought it up.
And there's a reason you brought it up.
Um, but maybe you don't, maybe you say, well, because it's time for a change.
Maybe you want to say something like that.
It's time for a change and I'm doing that.
And then somebody lays in on you.
I can't believe you're quitting your job.
That's just disgraceful.
Ah, now we know why we don't want to have to explain ourselves to certain people.
Certain people don't want the explanation.
They don't want the reason.
They just want to be right about what you're doing wrong.
And when you're around people like that, oh, I just want to swear, F them.
I mean, screw that.
I don't want you to have to explain things to people that just want to be right.
So you're wrong.
Just want you to feel like you're making the wrong decisions all the time, because you can't win with those people.
So saying something like because it's my choice, it might not end the conversation, but it might show the other person that there's no point in having a conversation.
There's no point in moving forward with this.
Even though I know some people will say, well, I'm not giving up.
I want to know.
I want to know your exact reasons.
How do you get out of that?
I have my reasons and I know that might not work with some people as well.
But then we have to go back to what we talked about before about who we keep.
I think we talked about this before.
Who we keep in our lives.
Oh, it's the family is everything.
Blood is thicker than water.
When we talked about that sometimes we do have to make a choice about who we keep in our lives because, even though they're family, they're not acting like family.
I think true family loves and supports you even when you're doing things that they don't agree with.
That doesn't mean you can rob banks and they're happy with it.
That just means they're supporting you, making decisions that you feel are right for you.
That is a loving, supportive person that I would definitely call family.
I hope you got something from today's episode.
Thank you for listening to another episode of the overwhelmed brain.
I want to thank the patrons of the week, Ashley and Brad and Cheyenne and way and crystal and angel for Thank you for your support.
I am so grateful.
A lot of what I do is because of you and everyone that listens to this show.
You are supporters as well.
It's just that, you know, these people pay.
I'm grateful for all of you.
Thank you so much again.
If you find value in this show, like these patrons do, head over to moretobcom and there are options to give back over there.
Thanks again, patrons.
And for a show on how to navigate the difficult relationship, listen to my other podcast called Love and Abuse over at loveandabusecom.
And if you know you're the difficult one in the relationship, you probably want to work on that, because you might push people away that you want to love.
Sometimes we love in an unhealthy way like we were talking about today.
So if that's you, head over to healedbeingcom and that's where I help people stop their emotionally abusive behaviors or their control or their manipulative behaviors.
That's over at healedbeing.com.
And with that, always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions.
And be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
Always take steps to grow and evolve.
You are powerful beyond measure.
And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you, you are amazing.
