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[The Psychology of Envy and the Persistence of Tribalism]-[68. Why Do We Want What We Can’t Have?]

No Stupid Questions · B2 · 2021-09-26

Culture
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📋 Summary

The Universal Drive: Why We Want What We Can't Have

In this episode of No Stupid Questions, Angela Duckworth and Steven Dubner explore the fundamental human tendency to desire the unattainable. Angela posits that this "built-in dissatisfaction" is an essential component of the human engine, driving us to set and pursue new goals. Referencing Lindsey Vonn’s memoir, Angela describes the "paragon of grit" who constantly seeks to "one up" both others and herself. While this striving is universal, the hosts distinguish between healthy self-improvement and the darker, less satisfying nature of envy, which they describe as a form of "coveting."

The Bifurcated Nature of Envy

Steven and Angela share personal reflections on envy, admitting that while it can be an "unattractive trait," it often presents itself in complex ways. Steven notes that he feels a deep sense of "appreciation" for writers like Michael Lewis, whose storytelling ability is so profound it leaves others in "awe." Conversely, he warns against the "darkness" of envy that manifests as self-loathing or the desire to see others fail. Angela shares her own experience with her colleague Adam Grant, noting that while she feels occasional "twinges of green envy" due to his seemingly boundless accomplishments, she attempts to use this as a motivator rather than a source of bitterness. They conclude that while envy is a natural human emotion, it is best kept in check by acknowledging it without letting it spiral into malevolence, much like the lesson in the "stonecutter parable" where the protagonist realizes the grass is not always greener.

The Persistence of Tribalism

Moving from personal desire to social dynamics, the hosts address a listener's question regarding why minority groups often fracture into smaller, exclusionary subgroups. Angela invokes the work of psychologist Jon Haidt, noting that humans are "tribal primates" evolutionarily designed for small, intense societies. This "we versus them" instinct is so deeply ingrained that it persists even within marginalized communities.

Angela discusses the classic "Robbers Cave Experiment" conducted by Muzaffar Sharif, which demonstrated that tribal conflict can be mitigated by establishing a "superordinate goal" that unites groups against a common enemy. However, the hosts acknowledge the failure of the COVID-19 pandemic to serve as such a unifying force, suggesting that our tribal instincts are incredibly resilient.

Addressing Exclusion and Moving Forward

Reflecting on "racial imposter syndrome" and the complexities of identity, the hosts express frustration with the shallow nature of modern tribalism. Steven highlights research suggesting that "forced diversity" can sometimes yield negative outcomes, reinforcing the idea that we are fundamentally struggling to navigate these sub-tribes.

Ultimately, the hosts offer different paths forward. Angela suggests that fostering a strong sense of self-worth and "mother’s love" can decrease the need to derogate out-groups. Steven, while acknowledging the tribal nature of the human condition, proposes a more active approach: "Let's acknowledge that it exists, drill down, measure it, and beat the crap out of the people who are doing the wrong stuff." The conversation leaves listeners to grapple with the tension between our biological drive to form exclusive groups and our moral imperative to embrace broader, more inclusive human connections.

🎯Key Sentences

1
I would say, we and Philip have that in common then.
2
I literally have never read a memoir I didn't like.
3
That's so you.
4
I know, that's why we get along.
5
I'm glad you're going there.
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📝Key Phrases

1
beat the crap out of
2
one up
3
cover to cover
4
paragon of grit
5
knock my socks off
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📖 Transcript

Ooh, I like it already.
I'm Angela Duckworth.
I'm Steven Dubner. And you're listening to No Stupid Questions.
Today on the show, why do we want what we can't have?
It's like envy quickly followed by self -loathing for feeling envy, so yay, this is really fun.
Also, can humans break from our tribalist instincts?

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