Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.
Today, I just wanted to take a moment and check in with you.
No pressure to be productive, no big goals to chase.
Think about it like the two of us just hanging out and just taking a minute to breathe.
I've been thinking a lot about how this podcast has grown so fast over the last two and a half years.
I mean, it's just been mind-blowing. And my team and I, we work so hard to find the most incredible and impactful guests that we can.
And I got to be honest, I have loved learning side by side with you whenever we do these incredible interviews.
But the truth is, I really miss it being just you and me the way it was when we started the podcast.
So today, I wanted to sit down with you and just connect friend to friend.
And I've brought something really cool. I've brought five powerful questions that I'm going to ask you today.
Now, these are the same five questions that I always ask myself because these five questions, they just magically cut through the noise And they always help me reconnect with where I am and with what I should do next.
Because it's so easy to get caught up in the hamster wheel of life, isn't it?
You get focused on the next goal, the next meeting, the next thing on the to-do list, or the next whatever it is. that you forget what actually matters to you.
But these five powerful questions, they help you.
They help you get clear on what brings you joy.
They make it clear who you miss, what's weighing you down, and perhaps most importantly, what you can do to feel a little bit better in your life as it is right now.
So let's get into it. Here's some sound advice.
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Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.
It's always such an honor to be together and to spend time with you.
And if you're a new listener, or you're here because somebody shared this episode with you, well, first of all, I just wanted to take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family.
I am so glad that you're here and I'm especially glad that you chose this episode because this conversation Today is just going to be you and me.
I want you and I to just hit pause. Pause on the chaos of life.
The to-do lists, the bills, the emails, the kids, the headlines, the groceries, all of it.
And instead, I just want to check in with you.
I want to check in with myself." I was so excited to have this conversation with you that I woke up this morning.
I did what I always do in terms of my fast and easy morning routine.
And as soon as I was done taking my walk, I raced right up here.
I'm still in my exercise clothes. I'm still like up with my... exercise hair right now.
If you're watching on YouTube, you can see it.
I am straight from doing my morning routine because I just wanted to talk to you.
There are five questions that I'm going to ask you today.
And these are questions that will help you and me reflect on where you are right now. where you are mentally, emotionally, physically, maybe even spiritually.
And there's two reasons why I wanted to do this.
Well, first of all, I have really missed hanging out with you.
When this podcast started almost two and a half years ago, Holy cow, it just started out as you and me.
I would sit here behind the microphone, either in my closet outside my bedroom or here above the garage in Southern Vermont, and we would just talk. like two friends going on a walk, the microphone, my house in Vermont, you and me, but holy cow, this podcast has grown so much in the past two and a half years. that I just kind of felt like maybe we should go back and do a conversation like we used to, something super simple.
And so that's what you and I are gonna do today.
We're gonna, like friends, just check in with one another.
And the second reason why I wanted to have this conversation, why I wanted to ask you these five powerful questions is because I know in my life, when I take the time to pause, when I take the time to reflect, when I ask myself questions that make me stop and get clear,
It's pretty amazing, the revelations that you have.
It's pretty awesome how quickly when you slow down, you can gain clarity. you see what needs to change.
I mean, you're not an idiot. You know the things that are working in your life and the things that you know could be a little bit better.
And today, we're just going to take a look at that.
You know what's working. You know what brings you joy and what drains you, but it's so easy to get caught up in the busyness.
Right now, whatever season you're in, boy, it probably feels like, wow, is it almost over already?
Life has this crazy way of just hijacking you and taking you away from the simple things that bring a lot of joy in your life. and instead just draining you.
And today we're gonna hit the pause button on that too, because I really want you to realign with the life you want to be living.
And these five questions are going to help you and me do that.
So let's begin. Here's the very first question.
How are you really doing right now? Not really.
How are you, actually? And before you blurt out the automatic, oh, I'm fine, Mel.
Just stop. Close your mouth. take in a breath through your nose and just sit in silence with that question for a second.
How are you really doing right now? I'll wait. ask yourself again.
Like, I find that I need to really ask this question a couple times because there are layers to my answer.
The first answer for me, how are you doing really, Mel?
Fine. Okay. I'm good. Okay. Things are really good.
Ha ha. No, no, no. Let's just sit. in our body and the moment for a minute together and ask yourself again, how are you really?
Are you overwhelmed? Content? anxious, excited, frustrated, restless, peaceful?
Are you anxious? Are you worried about things?
Are you feeling good? Whatever it is, just name it.
You don't have to fix it. You don't have to do anything. just answer the question, acknowledge it, tell yourself the truth.
How are you doing right now? So you might be wondering, Mel, why are you asking me this question?
Well, this question is really important. both from a common sense reason and also there's some research around why I want you and I to answer this question today.
How are you doing? How are you feeling right now for real?
And the common sense reason is because if you don't slow down and check in with yourself, You will always be running on autopilot, you will always be stressed out, and you will always be disconnected from the deeper truth that is inside you.
That's number one. And the second reason why I wanted to ask you this question is because I was reading this article in the New York Times.
It was written by Dr. Lisa DeMort. Now, Dr. Lisa, I'm not going to go on a big tangent, don't worry.
She is a clinical psychologist. Her work has had a huge impact on my relationship with my adult kids.
And so I was reading this article. I'm like, oh, Dr. Lisa DeMar wrote this article.
And she was talking about how So many of us are overwhelmed by life, whether we are a teenager, a young adult, whether we're a parent, whether we're just somebody going through life.
And I love what she had to say. She said, "'Adolescents, just like adults,' find relief from simply articulating their worries and concerns.
You know, psychologists often say that most problems feel better when they're on the outside rather than on the inside.
And this holds true whether the difficulties are big or small.
And you're probably carrying a lot right now.
And so this question that you and I are asking ourselves, this first powerful question, how are you doing? right now.
It creates space for you to be able to get outside of your head and your body and to truly say the truth about how you're doing.
And look, it doesn't matter what comes out because the fact is most problems that you face in life, particularly the big ones, they may not be able to be solved.
But here's the reason why this is important.
Having a problem or feeling overwhelmed isn't nearly so bad. as feeling utterly alone with the feeling or the problem that you're dealing with.
And so that's why we're gonna start here.
We're gonna start with the truth. How are you really doing right now?
And I'm gonna go first. So the thing that I have been feeling right now is I actually feel very content.
You know, I've been thinking a lot about this song because I'm talking to you right now.
It's the summer season here. I don't know what season you're listening.
And right now, it doesn't really matter because you can ask yourself these questions anytime you feel like asking them.
And I feel very content. And that's a new word for me to use because normally I'm like crazy busy.
I feel overwhelmed. I overcommit too much.
I'm running a really big company. It takes a lot of work to get this podcast going and I travel a lot from work.
But about a year ago, I said, I'm going to try to stop traveling so much for work.
If you look at the calendar, I haven't been exactly that great about it.
But when I reflect on the last month, huh.
I have been trying to travel less. I have been home more.
I have been... able to put work down at six or seven o'clock at night and take the evening.
And in fact, I gave my entire company a week off And instead of traveling, you know what I did?
I just stayed home. It was amazing. I did a staycation.
That's probably why I'm content. I didn't go anywhere.
I didn't have to... pack up the car or I didn't have to do some big thing.
I just was like, you know what I'm doing on this week off?
I'm not doing anything. Because I don't know how you feel in the summer, but I feel like summer, like we look so forward to it coming, but then it becomes this huge. huge race of trying to squeeze in as much as you can before the school year starts or before the weather turns colder before the summer is over.
It's like when you get on an elevator and the doors start to feel like they're closing, that's always how summer feels for me.
But the interesting thing is, is because I had made this commitment this summer that I was not going to go a lot of places.
I was really going to try to Have this be a summer where I was home a lot because we had just finished the Let Them The Tour.
I had been doing a ton of travel and I just wanted to be home.
And so I'm really content. And so this whole summer so far has just been about connection.
It's been about rest. It's been about boundaries with work.
It's been about not saying no. yes to more things, but just really being still and being content.
And I got to say, I'm pretty proud of myself.
It's kind of funny. My kids said to me the other day, they're like, my God, mom, you're so tan.
And I thought to myself, well, I haven't laid out once I haven't really tried to get tan.
I've just been home. I've been working out in the yard.
I've been taking the dogs for a walk every single day.
I'm still lathering on the sunscreen, but...
I guess just being home and being content and having a little bit more time to be outside, just doing... day-to-day things.
It's not only made me feel a little bit better, but honestly, it's also made me tan, which is pretty cool.
So how about you? How are you really doing right now?
And I shared something that was relatively positive.
So I don't want you to bash yourself If your answer is, well, that's great for you, Mel, but right now things suck.
I'm very overwhelmed. I'm very frustrated about things.
I feel very isolated. Whatever your answer is, I just want you to answer the question honestly.
Take a deep breath. How are you really doing right now?
Because I promise you, simply saying it out loud and getting it outside of you is the first step to you doing whatever you need to do next in order to make yourself feel a little better.
And if you're like me and the answer is, I'm content, I'm happy, I feel grateful.
Great. Then that's also a clue that tells you what to keep doing.
None of these answers are right or wrong answers.
They are all just tools that you can use to help yourself navigate your day-to-day life based on the wisdom that's inside of you?
And that's why I think these questions are so powerful because they excavate the wisdom that's already within you.
And once you have that wisdom in front of you, now it's kind of easy to course correct or to make more empowered or strategic or inspiring decisions about what to do with your time moving forward.
Pretty cool, huh? All right, cool. So you already answered question number one.
How are you really doing right now? Great job.
Let's move on to question two. Who's someone that you've spent time with lately or you wish you had?
I love this question because I think you can get so busy in your life just doing the day-to-day and going to work or driving the kids to school or going to school yourself or doing the things that you forget one of the most important things in life.
And that is that your life and the quality of the life that you live is largely driven by the quality of your relationships.
And one big mistake that I've made in my life when I look back over the 56 years is that there are truly prioritized my family and my friends.
And then there are periods of my life where I truly prioritized work or school.
And it is very clear that in those areas of my life where I did prioritize friends and family, I felt better.
And so this is an important question because I guarantee you, There's someone that you've spent time with lately or that you wish you had.
And answering this question, will help bring to the surface the things that you take for granted, your siblings.
Your parents, your best friends from college, that walking group that you haven't seen in six months.
You got busy or maybe you neglected everybody a little bit because, you know, they're always there.
Or maybe you've been neglecting your friends and your family a little bit because, you know, they're there.
And, you know, when things aren't so busy, I'll reach out and I'll connect.
Uh-uh. This second question is so powerful.
Who is someone you've spent time with recently or you wish you had? because it brings to the surface one of the most important things in your life, relationships.
And I got to share a story with you because I'm almost embarrassed to tell you parts of this story because...
Well, why am I embarrassed to tell you this?
I don't know. I'm embarrassed because I feel like I'm a bad person that so much time went by.
So we moved to Vermont like four years ago.
My brother has never been to my house here in Vermont.
I've lived here for four years. Now, here's the thing.
I started to go, wait a minute, you've never been here, D?
What are you talking about? He lives in Chicago.
I live in Southern Vermont. It's like a 14-hour drive or two different flights in order to get here.
He has a job where he travels during the week as a big... for a big consulting firm.
I have a job where I travel a lot. And plus, his wife, my sister-in-law, is my business partner.
I'm literally on the phone and Zoom calls with my sister-in-law every single day.
I also see her in our Boston production weeks.
I also travel to business meetings with her.
And so I had this sense that I was seeing my brother a lot.
My sister-in-law's been to my house like three or four times a year for the last four years.
My brother, no, because somebody needed to be home with their twins when she was traveling.
And so, of course, it makes sense. I was like, oh my God, who do I want to spend more time with?
I want to see my brother. And of course we see each other during the year, but we typically see each other at my parents' house in Michigan, or we'll see them at the place my parents rent in Florida. or we'll get together for sort of like a family gathering place at a different location.
So we see each other three or four times a year.
We've just never been... here in Vermont.
So we decided, let's make a plan. And this is why this question is important.
Who's somebody that you spent time with or you wish you had?
Because it makes you realize, oh, I got to plan this if I want it to happen.
So we decided during that week off where the company was going to take a week off, why don't we get together?
Why don't you come out to Vermont? And then my brother said, I got a better idea.
How about we drive from Chicago to Southern Vermont?
It's going to take us almost... 15 hours.
And the reason why they wanted to drive, check this out, is because we have two Australian Shepherds And they have two Australian Shepherds.
And our youngest dog, Homie, and their oldest dog, Bodie, were in the same litter.
They're brothers, and they haven't seen each other since they were eight weeks old and left the litter. one going to Chicago and one going to Vermont.
And so my brother was like, we're going to drive out.
We're going to drive out and bring the dogs.
My sister-in-law was like, are you out of your freaking mind?
We are not driving 15 hours straight in order for dogs to play together for four days. you know what?
Derek won. They piled into the car. They drove the 15 hours straight to get here.
And then we orchestrated Okay, we got to figure out how are we going to orchestrate the first meeting of the two brothers who haven't seen each other in two years, separated at eight weeks.
So they pull in, We're all excited. Everyone's mostly excited about watching what happens with the dogs, right?
Because we've got four Australian Shepherds running all over the place.
So we let both of our dogs out, and Derek and Christine pull into the drive.
And they let their two dogs out. I kid you not.
Bodhi and Homie, the two brothers, they went straight to each other.
They sort of sniffed each other. They sort of took a step back like...
And then they leaned in. For the next four days, you would have thought they were the only two dogs here.
They completely ignored the other two dogs.
It was crazy. They were joined at the hip.
It made the... entire 15-hour drive worth it to just see that moment.
And for the next four days, all we did was hang out.
We played cards. We sat on the back deck.
We cooked constant meals together. We hiked up the backside of the ski mountain that we lived nearby.
It was amazing. And the most important thing about this is that we didn't go on some big grand vacation.
We didn't spend $10,000 to meet up somewhere.
We didn't get on planes. They just got in the car and drove here.
Simple. And the emphasis is on connection over having to do some big grand thing.
And this is an important takeaway. It's something I've been doing a lot lately in my life, is that there are people that I really want to see that I miss, And I keep thinking I need a weekend or I need like an entire evening together or I need to have a meal with them.
And what I've found is the more simple I can make the connection, whether it's just jumping on the phone while I'm running errands and connecting with somebody for six minutes, even though we don't have a freaking plan.
And here's another thing that's great. One connection and hang out with somebody leads to the next.
Because as soon as they were here and my brother and I were hanging out here, I'm like, dude, I got to go see your place in Wisconsin because they have a place on the lake in Wisconsin that I haven't been to.
And so I'm like, you know, I have a speech that I'm doing for Northwestern Mutual.
It's kind of near where your house is. Why don't I combine the thing?
And this has been a huge... focus for me this summer, is prioritizing time with people in my family and with friends that I really want to see. hanging out more with Oakley.
He's leaving to go back to college in a couple of weeks.
And so I want to see him as much as he'll hang out with me.
And come to think of it, That's probably why I said I was content.
Because this summer... has really had a focus on connection over all of this chaos that gets created when you're constantly feeling like you got to do something big.
No, shrink it. This is so powerful and it also is grounded in research.
Dr. Robert Waldinger, who is a world-renowned psychiatrist and professor at Harvard Medical School, and he also happens to be the director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which is the longest running study on adult relationships and happiness.
And that 84 year long research study has proven conclusively that the quality of your relationships is the single strongest predictor of happiness and health over your lifetime.
Not money, not success, not status. So all that stuff that you and I chase, the money, the success, the status...
Based on the research, that is not the strongest predictor of happiness and health for you over your lifetime.
Your relationships are. And one of the things that I have found is that I have often allowed relationships to go on autopilot And it has a direct connection to how lonely I feel when I do that or how unhappy that I feel.
And when I make a conscious effort, when I make a decision that I'm going to prioritize spending more time with my friends, prioritize staying connected to people that I care about even if they don't live near me.
When I prioritize finding ways to see family, holy cow, it just lifts up everything.
And so I'm going to ask you again, Who have you spent time with recently?
Or who do you wanna spend more time with?
Write it down. This is so important because time is going to keep passing regardless of what you do with it.
And this really matters. Don't hope that it happens.
Make it happen. Find a date in the calendar and schedule it.
Don't wait for other people to invite you.
And this is something I want to say to you if on your list is family.
It drives me crazy that families tend to sit back and wait for a quote, invitation to from people to go visit.
Forget that. Like if you want to go see somebody, pick up the phone and say, I miss you.
I want to come see you. How about this weekend?
Stop sitting around and using it as an excuse that, well, they didn't invite me in.
No. If you miss them, if they're a person that you want to see, stop playing passive in your life and get on the offense.
And I think we're all sitting around waiting to be invited when you have within you, particularly when you ask yourself this second powerful question, who's somebody? that you've spent time with recently?
Or who do you want to spend more time with?
And if you kind of come up with a blank, here's what you do.
Get out your phone. And either go through your photos, or I think even better yet, go through your contact list.
I have a printout of my contact list next to my desk because when I have a spare minute between a couple Zoom calls, I'll flip through it and be like, oh my gosh, I haven't talked to that person in a while.
Let me text them real quick. Let me send them a voice memo real quick.
And that gets the connection going. So I'm going to ask you one more time.
Who have you spent time with? And who do you want to spend more time with?
It'll raise to the surface a direct line to lifting up your happiness and health.
I kid you not. All right, that's the first two questions.
And since I just asked you, who's someone you've spent time with this summer or you wish you had?
Here's what I wanna do. I wanna hit pause so we can give our amazing sponsors a chance to share a few words, but I also wanna give you a chance to share this episode with whoever came to mind.
Share this episode with them and say, hey, I just listened to this.
I think you're going to love these five powerful questions.
And more importantly, your name came up as the answer to question number two.
Take a listen and then text me. because it's time that you and I hang out.
I miss you. And speaking of missing something, Don't you dare miss the next three questions.
That's what we're covering after this short break.
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Ask your vet about NexGard Plus Choose. Welcome back, it's your buddy Mel Robbins.
And today you and I are answering five powerful questions that really help you experience more joy and happiness and clarity in your life.
We've already covered question number one, how are you doing right now?
Question number two, who is somebody that you've spent time with recently or that you wish you had?
Now we're ready to jump in to question number three.
What's something that you've done recently that has brought you joy?
And how can you do more of it? You know, sometimes, I don't know if you feel this way, but I feel like I get so focused on the big stuff.
I gotta make more money. I gotta go for that promotion.
I gotta get into my dream school. I gotta figure out how to save money so I can renovate this or buy a better car or go on that vacation or whatever it might be.
And I bet... If you just stop and think, what's something you did recently that brought you joy?
I bet there was something small and it probably has nothing to do with something outside of you.
It probably has something to do with just a little thing that you did.
Well, for me, I've got so many examples of this.
In fact, I'll tell you one first that happened last night.
And then I'm going to tell you something that brings me a lot of joy that I try to infuse however I can in my life.
But let me tell you what happened last night.
So last night, I'm having a great day right now because all three of our adult kids are home.
We have one that lives in Los Angeles, another one that lives in New York City, another one that is... in his sophomore year heading back to college.
And so we're empty nesters. And it is just so amazing to have everybody under the same roof.
And so we all cooked dinner last night, had a great family meal together sitting outside. the bugs weren't so bad.
We play this game high-low, which I absolutely love.
You share the high of the day, you share the low of the day.
It's a great little game. You just go around and it really helps you connect with people on something deeper than, oh, did you read this thing?
What's going on? So had a lot of fun. And then all of a sudden our daughter said, okay, so I stopped by Walmart and I bought a game.
We are psycho Harry Potter fans in our house, and she had bought the Harry Potter version of Monopoly.
I didn't even know this game existed. So she breaks this thing out and we are all arguing over which kind of one of the little figurines we're going to be and which house we want to be in.
Of course, we've all taken. the quiz that tells you what house you should be in.
I am very proud to tell you I am Gryffindor.
My daughter and my husband and my son are annoyed because they're Hufflepuff.
And our other daughter is slitter. But I digress.
So what happened with the game, because we started playing the game, is we had so much fun and then we took it up a notch because we were just playing the game.
And this is a tip. Games are always a lot of fun, whether it's cards or it's board games.
Bet you had a lot of fun as a kid when you were doing that, so this is something you can bring back.
We took it up a notch and we challenged each other to read the cards. in the best Harry Potter voice that we could read them in.
And then everybody was dying laughing. at each one of us trying to imitate a character.
And it turns out, I, how do I sound? I sound like that guy, that house elf.
What the heck's his name? Dobby. Dobby is what apparently my voice sounds like.
But anyway, we were just howling, absolutely howling.
And so that's brought me a lot of joy, games. learning games, playing games, bringing games to people's houses.
And so games, games, games. The second thing for me that brings me a lot of joy gardening.
That's why I'm so tan. I've been gardening a lot.
I actually, this is how much of a freak I am.
I actually enjoy having a big glass of ice water and walking around my house outside and deadheading flowers.
And if you're not a gardener, that means like you pinch off all the dead flowers that have bloomed and then they're like, you know, kind of like gross and ugly, not just because it makes it look nicer, but when you pinch off the dead flowers, the plant flowers more.
I find it so meditative. It's just a personal thing for me.
And so... I could spend hours outside in my garden.
I could spend hours deadheading. I could spend hours... Oh, another thing that we did is that we have lupine in the field.
And... We pulled all of the seed pods off the lupine that have already flowered because they flower in the spring.
And we pulled hundreds of them off the dead flowers.
And then my daughter and her boyfriend and I, we sprinkled them all along the side of the driveway.
And now I can't wait because next spring, when I drive up the driveway...
I'm hoping that I'm going to see lupine that is sprouted close to the driveway instead of in the middle of the field because we did that.
And so those are two simple things, games and gardening, both with G. I didn't even plan it that way.
But those are two simple things that bring me a lot of joy.
And joy doesn't have to happen by accident in your life.
Joy is something that can happen on purpose.
So ask yourself, What is something that you did recently that brought you joy?
And how can you do more of it? How can you build it into your schedule so it happens more regularly?
Here's an idea. I'll give you an example with gardening.
So if you're a new listener, you may not know that I have a very simple morning routine, but I wake up when the alarm rings, I roll out of bed, I make my bed.
I then high five the mirrors and brushing my teeth.
I drink water before coffee and then I'm out the door for at least a 10 minute walk.
So I can get the bright sunlight or the UV into my eyes and I can get my body moving and I walk the dogs and it's a quiet. walk so that I'm just taken in nature.
I love it. But when I'm done with the walk, you know what I do?
I do a lap around the house. I look at the plants coming up and I look at the deadhead things that I might've missed it.
And it's a way for me. to incorporate something that brings me joy in three minutes flat.
There are simple ways, whether it's keeping Bananagrams if you're a Bananagrams player, or whether it is having a deck of cards with you, or it is having a board game that is by the dining room table or having a puzzle out. on a countertop or on a coffee table that is always there for people to gather around.
There are simple ways that you can do this and make it easy. so that it starts to happen on purpose because you made it happen on purpose.
And if you're sitting there and you're like, Oh my God, Mel.
I am so overwhelmed in my life right now.
I don't even know what brings me joy. All I do is wait. work and take care of everybody else and I can't even get through the to-do list and I know I'm burnt out and I know joy is missing and I just, I don't even feel like myself.
First of all, I've been there. I have so been there.
And that's why this question is so important There's a lot of research around those moments in life where you're burnt out or you're feeling the weight of depression and how finding small moments of intentional joy, this research comes from Dr. Judith Joseph.
She's been on the podcast a number of times, a remarkable psychiatrist and professor at NYU School of Medicine.
Like she's just remarkable doing all this groundbreaking research around the impact that small moments of joy have can have uneven, very difficult moments of depression.
But it's a lifeline. And so... If you're in that space, you're not alone.
And this question really matters. What's something you did recently that brought you joy and how can you do more of it?
And if you go, I haven't done anything that's brought me joy.
I don't even know what brings me joy anymore.
No problem. Let's work with what you got.
I want you to take out your phone and look through your camera roll.
And ask yourself as you're looking through your camera roll.
And there have been periods of my life where I have been so burnt out and had so much stress and pressure on my shoulders that it was years before several years of scrolling back through my photos to find a photo where I could stop and go, oh.
That's what I looked like when I was content and happy.
Oh, wow, when I was running road races with my girlfriends.
Oh, wow, when I was in that book club. Oh, wow, when I was singing in the church choir.
Oh, wow, when I was meditating every day.
Oh, wow. You know, when I was seeing my family more, when I was cooking more, oh, when I was scrapbooking more There are things in your camera roll that remind you of who you are.
There are things that might even make you jealous of yourself.
Imagine that. You can be jealous of a former version of yourself, a version of you that made time for things that brought you joy.
A version of you that prioritized time with friends instead of constantly working every night into the late hours of the night. a version of you that was volunteering or doing creative things or spending more time on the weekends car camping or whatever it is for you.
And so the question becomes then, okay, great.
My own life experience holds the clues. It has the evidence.
So now I just have to ask myself, how can I do more of those things?
How can I garden more? How can I find time to read more fiction?
How can I make time to see friends that I've lost touch with?
Because clearly these are the things that brought me joy.
Another thing for me that I've started to prioritize recently is I love going to concerts.
I love seeing live music. And so I've made it a point to see two concerts a year because it brings me so much joy.
And look, I get it. Concerts are expensive. and that's why I don't go to hundreds of them but they bring me so much joy and If you know you want to go to a concert, here's a great tip.
If you know you're going to go, you can typically get great seats and really cheap tickets day of. honest to God, because all the resellers have bought them all up and now it's a fire sale.
And so We just are like, I know we don't have tickets.
We're just going to wait till day of. We're going to drive to the place and we're going to go.
And so... The main point about this question is joy matters.
Here's what I think we get wrong about joy.
We think joy is reserved for these periods of time where that's all you're going to feel and you're going to be happy, and I want you to think about joy instead like a life raft.
That there are ways to buoy yourself, to lift yourself up. to make yourself feel like yourself, to remind you that there are lots of different parts of you.
And there are lots of different things you're gonna experience in life.
And if you can create room for small moments of joy, things that make you laugh, things that just make you come alive.
And if you can figure out how to do a little bit more of that, every week, heck, even just the three-minute loop looking for the plants and then deadheading, that's just time for me.
It doesn't have to make sense to anybody else.
I do it because I enjoy it. And when you start to do that for yourself and you start to find moments for that, it could just be that you have a favorite chair.
You know how much joy I get? I have this Adirondack chair that is under this covered area in our porch.
It's just a plain old wood Adirondack chair, nothing fancy about it.
I just love sitting in that thing. I love sitting in that thing because it's got these like really wide arms and And you can put your arms on there, you can set a coffee cup or a wine glass or whatever anything on there and it's real steady, I love sitting in that thing and cracking open a book.
And even if I only sit down for five minutes, And I take a deep breath and I pause like you and I are doing as two good friends today.
It just makes me feel... feel somehow like I'm going to be okay.
I know it's the craziest, dumbest sounding thing, but it's true.
And I bet you have something like that. I bet there is something that brings you that sense of joy and peace that whenever you take a moment and you sit there, or you stand there or you lie there or you do that thing in that place, you can just exhale.
That's what I want you to look for. That's what I want you to incorporate into your day because that's what you deserve.
And Dr. Judith Joseph is right. It has a remarkable way of helping you through particularly the rough periods in life.
Like it's easy to find joy when happy. It's easy to find joy when you've been promoted and all things are going amazing.
I mean, that's easy. But really allowing yourself and getting very intentional about inserting it into your life no matter what's going on, that's a superpower.
I wanna take a moment so we can give our amazing sponsors a chance to share a few words Because that's going to make me happy.
And I also want to give you a chance to share these five powerful questions with people in your life that you always have a great time with.
You know, maybe these are the people that you want to do the Harry Potter thing.
Now I've got a different voice. I'm not even consistent.
But don't go anywhere because we still have two more powerful questions that you and I are gonna answer together.
And if you liked the first three, Holy cow, I've saved the best two for last.
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Welcome back, it's your buddy Mel Robbins.
And today I'm so excited that you're here because you and I, it's just us, we're hanging out.
As friends, and we're asking ourselves and each other five powerful questions.
And I have saved, I think, the best two for last.
Let's move on to question number four. What's one thing you've been putting off that is just draining your energy?
And usually the answer to this is something so stupid and little, and yet the fact that you're not doing it It weighs on your mind.
It's the thing that's always on the to-do list.
I'll give you an example. There are drawers in my kitchen that for four years have needed organizing.
And it weighs on me. I know it's dumb, but it weighs on me because...
I literally open up the drawer. It's not the drawer you use every day.
It's one of those drawers that's like, two or three drawers down, you know the one I'm talking about.
Mine has placemats in it and placemats that are all over the place.
It's like a placemat garage sale in there.
They're not organized. They're completely mismatched.
Half the time, my family puts them away without... wiping them off.
Is there anything more disgusting than pulling out a placemat that somebody has put away and there's chunks of pasta sauce on it?
That's my drawer, okay? And I don't think about it all the time, but every time I open that door, I'm like, oh, I need to do this thing.
Do you know how long it would take me to do that thing for real?
It would probably take me 10 minutes. but it weighs on me.
I need to do something. And this is something that is on my list.
What is something that you've been put? Oh, I'll give you another one, by the way.
Because it could be anything. It could be setting up that dentist appointment.
It could be paying an overdue bill. It could be, oh, here's another one.
Have you called your kid's pediatrician to set up the appointment for the physicals? before school starts or before the sports season starts?
Or are you going to be like me and it's something that you always put off and then it weighs on you and then all of a sudden the first day of practice tryouts are there and your kid can't go? because you're the idiot who didn't get off the pot and get this thing done.
Welcome to my life, Mel Robbins. Is it putting that couch on Facebook Marketplace to sell?
Is it updating the car registration? It's that thing that every time you see the pantry, or the envelope, or your laundry basket.
You just get this sinking feeling in your heart.
Here's another thing for me. This is going to sound really gross.
When Oakley went to college, Our cat, Mr. Noodle, was so angry.
Do you know what he did? He would get into Oakley's room any chance he could get and pee in the corner of his carpet.
I know it's disgusting. And then I would go in there and I would do the carpet cleaner.
He probably did this for two or three months.
It doesn't matter how many candles, how much incense I burn in that room, how often I have shampooed that carpet.
When I walk into that room, I'm like, oh God, I need to do something about this.
And then I walk out and it weighs on me.
And what would it take? I got to find a carpet installer.
And just schedule an appointment. And now we're off to the races.
Instead, you know what it's been? Almost two years.
And I know you're probably judging me. I don't care.
Oakley doesn't seem to mind. He just burns a lot of incense in his room.
But still, I know he's leaving for college.
If I were to just... get off my rump here and pick up the phone and call a carpet installer.
I could book an appointment for early September when he's gone to just have him come in.
Because I already called the carpet cleaner.
I called a professional carpet cleaner to come in and he hit that thing with the blue light and he turned to me and he said, you know, I could clean this, but I'm going to tell you something.
It's not going to come out. If I were you, I would just rip this thing out and I would just start all over because this is disgusting.
When a carpet cleaner tells you it's disgusting, you know it's time to replace the carpet.
And I'll tell you another thing. while we're on it, because clearly I've got a lot of things that are putting off.
But look at this. This just happened. Okay, so I'm going to come close.
But you can see right here, I've got this bloody mark right here.
You know what that is? That is That is like a basal cell.
It's not cancerous. I have like, my dad calls it, it's like rust on a car that needs to be scraped off.
But look at this thing. The last person that did a Mohs surgery on me butchered me.
Look at all the scars I have right here.
And I know what this is because this scab is now coming through the scar.
It is clearly part of the same problem. They're gonna have to dig it out and stitch me up and all that stuff.
How long is it gonna take me to make an appointment?
Five minutes? I have been putting this off for two weeks.
I put a Band-Aid over it and I wear SPF 50 every single day.
I don't know what it is about my body. I'm not even outside that much.
I'm doing my three-minute loop and my morning walk, otherwise I'm working.
But holy cow, like I need to get this done.
And it's weighing on me. It's weighing on me because I feel it.
Unless I put a Band-Aid on it, I feel it.
It's rubbing against my skin. It's bleeding onto my shirt.
I need to do something about it. Okay. Here's the other reason why I'm bringing this up.
And I wanted to ask you this question because I saw this TikTok account that I love called, how long does it actually take?
And I was so inspired. There's this young woman named Christy and on this account, how long does it actually take?
She talks about how long she's been procrastinating on something.
And then she does it. And she times how long it takes her.
And what you realize is that the things that you've been procrastinating on forever, years, literally can take five minutes.
And you have all these things, whether for me, it's like, I got to book this Moe's appointment or I've got to, organize my drawer with the placemats because nothing is where it should be and it drives me crazy.
You have all these things that you let weigh you down.
And it would take you less than an hour to just...
Get it off the list. And so here's what I want you to do and here's what I want me to do.
Can we just pick one thing today? I don't care what it is.
I know what I'm gonna pick. I'm gonna call and get my Mohs surgery appointment for this thing.
That's it. It's going to take me five to 10 minutes.
I'm going to get it scheduled. I'm going to do it.
Set a timer. Time yourself, like see how long it actually takes you.
Don't think, don't make excuses, just do it.
And here's what I'm gonna tell you. You're going to feel so much lighter after you're done and you're going to have proof of how long something truly took you that you've been putting off for months or years or weeks or whatever.
And you're going to be happy. You're welcome.
All right, let's move on to the final question.
What's something new that you want to try that you can do during the week?
Well, say that again. What's something new that you want to try that you can do during the week?
See, you are probably like I am. You're so used to saving up all the fun for the weekends, saving it up for when you're not working.
But then the weekends get totally overscheduled or like me, you plan to do a ton of stuff, but then you're so exhausted from working all week that you are like, okay, I'm going to sleep in.
And then it's like 11 o'clock and then you run to the farmer's market and then it's one o'clock and then.
You got to walk the dogs and then it's three o'clock and oh my God, what are we having for dinner?
And so the weekend that was supposed to be fun is now just over.
So I want you to ask yourself, what's a new thing that you can try during the week, after work or while the kids are at school?
Is it a dance class, a fitness class, a cooking class, an art class?
Is there an online class that you want to take at night?
And bonus points if you bring a friend or you make a friend while you're there.
And extra bonus points if it's something that you think you're really bad at.
Like, let's say you've always wanted to paint.
You used to love to paint when you were little.
You've been drawn toward painting classes or pottery classes, but you're like, oh my God, I'm such a beginner.
This is going to be such a cringey thing.
No, no, no, no. Bonus points if you think you're really bad at it.
And it's kind of hard for me to even think of something during the week.
And so here's what I want you to do. If you are listening right now on Spotify or you're watching on YouTube, go right to the comments. and I want you to put your ideas in there.
If you're on Apple, the way that we can crowdsource things there is go to the reviews And like leave a review about this episode, but also please give us an idea.
What's something cool you could do during the week?
And one of the reasons why I love this is that there's a lot of study about productivity If you give yourself something to do during the work week, it means you have a reason to leave work.
Have you ever noticed it's just so easy to stay at your desk whether you're working at home or you're working at work?
Have you ever noticed how easy it is to go back to your laptop if you've got nothing going on tonight?
It's so awesome when you've got something you need to go do, the class that you signed up for, the lecture that you're going to at the local library. the volunteer day at the house of worship that you go to, the thing that you're going to do in your neighborhood.
And here's the other reason why this is important and why trying something new is important.
Studies show that learning a new skill grows your brain and helps you age better.
In fact, in one study, check this out, at Oxford University, researchers had half of the participants in this study take a juggling class for six weeks.
The other half didn't do anything. The people who took the class around juggling changed their brain.
They changed the visual and spatial parts of their brain.
These are the parts that you use for juggling.
And so in the study, they became thicker because they were learning a new school.
How cool is that? So don't just sit there and rot.
Don't sit there and work all the time. Find something to do during the weekend.
I'm going to tell you what I'm going to do.
There's a new... studio that opened up that offers like bar classes and yoga classes.
And I've done some of those classes, but They also offer hip hop dance classes at night.
Uh-huh. 530. And I have not signed up because I've been like, oh, 5.30.
I don't know if I could get there by time for 5.30, 5.30.
Well, knock it off. Just start working a half an hour earlier.
You can get there at 5.30. You can make a plane flight at 5.30.
You can get to a hip hop dance thing. Here's the thing.
I have never taken a hip hop dance class.
I am super dyslexic. I am terrible at choreography.
I am the person in one of those lines at a wedding where everybody's doing a what do they call it?
Like a line dance where everybody's doing the same.
I am the person that turns in the wrong direction.
I'm the person that has the left foot when everybody has the right foot.
So I'm bad at this. But I've always wanted to be a great dancer.
I've always wanted to learn shuffle dancing.
And so that's what I'm going to commit to.
Tell me in the comments or tell me in the reviews, what are you going to commit to? because we all need a reason to stop working.
We all need a reason to get out of our houses.
We all need a reason and a place and opportunities to learn new things and to try new things.
And so as your friend, let's do it together.
Got it? Good. Alrighty, so let me ask you those five questions one last time.
Number one, how are you really doing right now? tell you something, even just talking to you, I feel better.
I'm feeling a little better. And I also feel since we've answered these questions together, I have a sense of clarity.
We were talking about clarity at the very beginning of our conversation today.
I feel clearer, don't you? I feel empowered.
I feel excited. I feel like I know there are some simple things that I can do. that are going to lift me up and bring me a little bit more joy.
They're going to remove the burden that I feel, things that I've been avoiding doing that I could probably just knock off the list.
And I'm excited. I'm excited about some of this stuff.
I hope you are too. So how are you really doing right now?
Question number two, who's somebody that you've spent time with this summer or you wish you had?
And I shared the story about our big dog reunion and the 15-hour road trip. who is it that you'd like to go road trip and see?
Who's a friend that you miss? Who is somebody that you want to see? or wish you'd spend more time with.
Great, send them this episode and send it with a note like, hey, question number two, you are the person who came to mind.
As soon as you're done listening to this, Like, let's get on the phone and let's make a plan and set a date in the calendar.
Or at least let's like just spend 10 minutes on the phone catching up because I miss you and I want to see you.
And one thing that you and I've talked about, we're going to stop sitting around hoping it happens by accident and we're going to make it happen on purpose.
And that's where you come in. All right, question number three.
What's something you did recently that brought you joy?
And how could you do more of it? I talked about games and games being a big thing for our family that brings me a lot of joy.
I also talked about gardening. It doesn't have to make any sense to you whatsoever.
I also shared with you that I just enjoy sitting in this Adirondack chair.
And just having five minutes to myself, whether I'm enjoying a cup of coffee or I'm reading a couple pages in my book or I'm just, ah. taken in the view for a minute.
Question four, what's something you've been putting off that's draining your energy?
All right, I've already confessed about my disgusting carpet. and my placemat drawer with the chunky tomato sauce.
And I've shown you The cancerous thing on my chest, well, it's not cancerous, you know what I mean.
It's like not life-threatening, but I need to get it off my chest.
Those are things that are draining me. One by one, I can knock them off.
What's something that you've been putting off that's draining your energy that's going to take you less than an hour to get done?
Just get it done. Free yourself of that burden.
Doesn't that feel better? Of course it does.
Question number five. What's something new? that you've been wanting to try that you can do during the week.
That's a fun invitation, isn't it? And bonus points if it's something that you know you're going to be bad at, just like I'm going to be horrible at this hip hop dancing class, but you know what?
Let them judge me because I'm going to let me do it anyway.
You know, sometimes you and I forget how powerful a simple question can be Not because it gives you the answer right away, but because questions force you to stop.
They force you to check in. They force you to get honest with yourself.
And that's what our conversation was all about today.
Just you and me taking a moment out of the chaos of life to slow down, to reflect, and to remember.
There are so many little things in your life that bring you so much joy.
And those five questions are not just for today.
These are a tool for you, a free tool that you can come back to over and over and over again.
In fact, this is a great episode to bookmark.
Because whenever you feel like you're a little off or life's really hard or you can't remember the last time that you laughed or you're feeling really lonely.
Come back and listen to this because it will give you the permission to pause.
And it will give you these five powerful questions that help you reset where you're at and help illuminate the path forward.
And here's one more important thing. There is no right answer to these questions, period.
In fact, when I asked them the first time, your answers may be different than when I recapped them just now. mine kind of shifted a little bit.
How I felt, I felt a little better after answering these questions.
I also thought of more things that I could do that could bring me joy.
And I think you're going to find the same thing too.
Because just by asking them, you get yourself closer to your right answer.
And that's how you know that they are the right answers because they're the right answers for you.
They don't have to make sense to me. They don't have to make sense to anybody else.
These questions are questions that reveal the truth for you.
It'll make sense to you immediately. And then all you got to do is lean into it.
And in case no one else tells you today, I wanted to be sure to tell you as your friend that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life.
A life that you love, a life that brings you joy, a life where you make seeing people that lift you up and that are important to you. a priority, that you do these things on purpose instead of sitting back and waiting for it all to happen by accident.
You're so much more powerful than you think.
And these five powerful questions reveal that to you every time you ask them.
Alrighty, I'll be waiting for you right here in the very next episode.
I'll be waiting to welcome you in the moment you hit play.
I'll see you there. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12.
And you can't see under the table, right?
Because I'm basically wearing booty shorts.
Came straight from the gym. Yeah, nobody wants to see that, especially me.
Well, this is not a site anybody wants to see.
Hold on a second. Are we good so far? okay great oh okay i just didn't know if i was doing something wrong or what's happening All right, how are we on time, Trace?
You know, I have a sense of clarity. I was talking about clarity when we... Hold on.
I don't know. Oh, it's over here maybe? I don't know that I have those here.
They might be on my desk. Oh wait, hold on.
I covered them up here, sorry. Thank you.
Great job guys. Oh, and one more thing.
And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language.
You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you.
This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes.
I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician professional coach psychotherapist or other qualified professional got it good i'll see you in the next episode Sirius XM Podcasts
