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Hey, there, you're listening to the Lazy Genius podcast. I'm Kendra Adachi and I'm here to help you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't.
Today is episode 421, how to handle bad moods.
I love how sometimes you can scroll through episodes of this podcast and just like by looking at a series of titles you know you're in summer.
Like even if you have no idea what date that thing came out you're like yep mmm here's where we are.
So that's definitely the deal right now.
Bad moods run rampant I I think in unusual seasons.
And for many of you, summer definitely is an unusual season.
Kids are home, temperatures, and maybe even tempers are high.
Proximity is constant, and in that situation, I think bad moods are inevitable.
So this episode, it is definitely not kid -centric because bad moods transcend kids, but many of you will be glad to have this episode as it relates to your occasionally whiny offspring.
Regardless, this episode is here to help you navigate bad moods and stay connected to the people you love, no matter their age.
So I have 7 things that I'm going to remind you of when it comes to handling bad moods.
As you go through whatever season you're in when you listen to this, and you are hit with a bad mood, either yours or someone else's, I'm hoping that one of these 7 things might come to mind.
Right now while they're fresh you might want to remember all 7.
It doesn't really matter what you use, when you use them, or in what order.
The point here is to receive the reminders, to remember what matters most about our relationships with other people, and that handling bad moods is frankly just part of being a person.
Now since no one needs like a description of what a bad mood is and how often we come across them, let's not waste our time with like unneeded context.
and we can just jump in to the seven ways you might handle a bad mood.
Number one, it starts with me.
Bad moods start with me.
They start with me and they start with you.
Even if I am personally not in a bad mood, I can choose how I'm going to respond to someone else's bad mood.
The whole thing starts with me.
Frankly, we're kicking things off with an annoying bang, because I would rather just blame other people for their bad moods.
Like, they're the ones who are in a bad mood, not me.
I sometimes even do that for my own bad mood, right?
Someone else has put me in a bad mood.
I would rather not take any responsibility, please and thank you.
But really, nothing does any long term good in trying to become passionate, loving people if we don't start here.
We are all capable of a rotten mood.
We are all capable of blaming other people that we have one.
We are all complicit in perpetuating someone's bad mood because we're so annoyed by it.
So much of this annoyingly, but accurately, starts with me and with you.
Who are you going to be when you're in a bad mood.
Who are you going to be when the people around you are in a bad mood?
Who are you going to be when your kids have bad moods in each other's direction?
I'm always amazed at people who are just unmoved by the negative attitudes of other people.
I think I've mentioned this little anecdote before here, but my friend Hannah is like this.
She's just unmoved.
One Mother's Day, we were at church and I asked her what she was gonna do the rest of the day, and she said, I think I'm gonna get the whole family to go on a hike with me.
And my immediate response was to laugh and I said, oh man I would never do that because my kids would complain the whole time.
She said, I mean mine probably will too but I don't care.
I want to go on a hike with my family on Mother's Day.
Yeah I'm crazy. And I observe that in her all the time.
She is just Unmoved, when anyone around her is in a bad mood.
She's upright and totally herself and she moves toward those people.
Especially if she knows and loves them.
But she's not like put out by it, at least not visibly.
She chooses to be steady and calm and kind, no matter what.
That's the kind of person I wanna be when I am confronted with someone else's bad mood.
So that is number one.
It starts with you and me.
All right, number two, stress needs a way out.
Stress needs a way out.
One of the only ways I think that we can stay calm when confronted with someone else's bad mood, especially at kids, is to recognize that this mess is stressful.
Like, all day long we are racking up stress.
We are holding it in our bodies, even if we don't know what's happening and it builds up.
Suddenly we have, like, a stress clog and things start exploding.
It's mildly gross, but like a necessary part of this metaphor.
Y 'all, stress needs a way out.
You will not be equipped to handle bad moods if you are holding unreleased stress.
You will not be equipped to calmly help your two precious children who are arguing about which Rocket League car is the best one, which is low -key absurd. You're not gonna be able to help them stop yelling at each other if you are holding unreleased stress.
Because it will release right there, in their faces.
Now, can we avoid those explosions every single time?
No, I don't think that's a fair goal to set.
People are people. We're going to mess up.
We're going to hurt each other and we're going to yell when we don't want to or mean to.
And while that's not an excuse, I think we have to focus on the repair rather than on the resistance that it will never happen at all, you know?
We all know it's going to.
It's absolutely going to happen.
We're going to lose our temper sometimes, but it will likely happen far less when we are consistently releasing stress.
Now how does one do this?
I've talked about this book before but the book Burnout by the Nagoski sisters is excellent if stress management is a new concept for you.
Their list of things to do to release stress is number one to move your body.
That's like the top one you sweat, you breathe hard, you just move.
I've said this before too.
It's kind of a bummer.
It's kind of a bummer that movement is so tied to diet culture for a lot of you listening, but man oh man we are not going to let diet culture steal our best source of stress management.
So lift some weights, dance around your living room, go for a run, jump on the trampoline with your kids if you are brave enough or young enough to not pee your pants when you do it.
Just move. Other ways to release stress that definitely needs a way out are to breathe, to laugh, to be hugged by someone tightly, to play and to be creative.
Whatever you choose that stress needs a way out every single day if not multiple times.
Please do this. It will feel possibly like a series of unnecessary drops in the bucket that we are lazy geniuses and lazy geniuses start small.
Not only do we start small, we value small, right?
Small daily acts of stress release every single day will help us lower the chances of our own bad moods and will help us handle the bad moods of other people.
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Speaking of other people, another part of this stress needing a way out is that But stress needs a way out for your people too.
This is why so many of our kids come home from school stressed out.
They haven't moved, especially if they're older because like there's no recess.
They probably haven't been hugged or looked in the eye and told kind things.
They probably haven't laughed a ton or have had great opportunities for creativity.
They've been listening to a teacher.
They've been looking at a laptop and trying to get through the stress that is going to school with grades and assignments and not understanding things and being emotionally or physically overstimulated.
Or maybe maybe they saw a fight happen at school or they had a friend give them the silent treatment at lunch or they got a D on a test that they thought they were ready for.
The whole day is full of stressful things, even when it's ordinary, with very little opportunity to release that stress.
They need to run and scream and laugh loud and dance around and get bear hug, and none of that is going to happen at school.
So they come home and they're human shells, sometimes mean ones.
It's because their stress needs a way out too.
So no matter what season you're in, remember that everyone needs outlets for their stress.
It builds up every single day and it needs a way out.
And even if you don't have something regular or your kids don't have something regular.
You can start small by taking a deep breath when you're going into a bad mood situation.
Just take a deep breath or two before saying anything.
Encourage everyone to do that maybe if other people are involved.
And calm some nervous systems before working it out.
All right, number three.
Number three is kindness is hard. Kindness is hard. Handling bad moods is most effective when the people involved are kind to each other.
And I'm just here to remind all that kindness is hard. How many times have I yelled at one of my kids, be kinder to your brother.
But I'm not saying that in a kind way at all.
You know why? Because kindness is hard. When we're not paying attention to it.
When we're trying to manufacture it from within ourselves, which I don't even think is fully possible.
And when we forget that bad moods start with us, We will forget that the kindness we are expecting and even requiring from others is something that we are struggling with just as much. Kindness is hard. It's valuable and beautiful and worth it, but we need to remember that it is difficult.
It's not always the natural response.
In fact, I don't know that it ever is for me.
I've shared this perspective on my Christian faith before, but in my experience there is a reason that one of the results, one of the fruits of having the Holy Spirit living in me is kindness.
Supernatural kindness.
It is not mine. On my own I am so mean.
I am so mean! My default is definitely not kind.
I am judgmental, I am quick to be angry, and I require way more of other people than I am willing to give.
that is why I am glad I can go somewhere bigger than me for the kindness." Now you don't have to do that or believe that, but no matter who you are or what you believe, I think there's a general agreement that kindness as a baseline, 100 % of the time, especially when other people's bad moods are involved, is downright impossible.
It takes a lot of effort or praying or breathing or whatever you pull from to be a deep well of kindness, to have a deep well that you can rely on.
So if you are holding your kids or your partner or a stranger at the library to a higher standard of kindness than you're extending to them in that moment, take that as a reminder that kindness is hard for everyone involved.
Weirdly enough, just that reminder can make us kinder.
It makes us softer towards other people, which rarely goes to waste.
Kindness and softness towards others, I would say, never goes to waste.
They might not notice it, but it's changing you, and that matters.
So number three, kindness is hard. Number four, the basics help.
I think a lot of bad moods come down to unmet basic needs.
Somebody's hungry, thirsty, uncomfortable, or disconnected.
I mean, yeah, sometimes we're just selfish and we're taking it out on other people, but it's astonishing how many bad moods lose their edge when everyone's basic needs are met.
Recognizing this one also helps us experience more patience with kids who are ornery or melting down.
Oh wait, they skipped their afternoon snack and they're having a come apart.
Oh wait, this kid hasn't had a hug all day.
Oh wait, this friend has been working hard all day long in an uncomfortable pair of shoes and Super duep needs permission to take them off.
Oh wait. I haven't had any water today Even when it's time to handle the clashing of bad moods Do you know how often I will start the conversation with someone like hey, I'm gonna make a smoothie while we talk about this Anybody else want a smoothie?
They always say yes, and we've already changed the calculus of the moods basics help Give a grumpy kid a squeeze, an apple, an icy cup of lemonade or a clean shirt.
It is wild how those things will help a bad mood.
Number five, change the scenery.
Sometimes our bad moods are because we've been in the same spot for a while.
Sometimes we struggle to handle clashing bad moods because we're talking about, slash arguing about, something in the same room where the bad mood explosion happened.
So changing the scenery is really helpful, especially when working with someone else or even yourself when you're trying to move from a bad mood to a more neutral or even good mood.
Sometimes you need to change the scenery to help change the mood.
Sometimes you might even have to force it.
Force that change of scenery like you know, hey, let's let's go talk about this outside, we'll throw the football while we talk about it.
You know, like, we have to do that.
My boys will sometimes whine about this if I force a change of scenery, but I'll force it anyway.
And I'm like, no, let's go outside.
It'll be good to get out of this room for a minute, you know, or maybe bad moods are coming because you have all just been in the same place for a long time and you legit need a change of scenery, you know?
Cabin fever. Get everybody out of the house for a minute.
Sit on your stoop, walk to a park, drive to a Sonic on the other side of town so it takes longer and get happy hour slushies just change the scenery.
Other ways this might work you can play music you can try Breezy Instrumental which is a playlist I made on Spotify that works wonders for moods for everyone from like grumpy preschoolers to classrooms of college students I get messages all the time about how and where people are using this playlist to make everybody suddenly feel better?
Breezy, instrumental everyone.
So you can change the music.
Or maybe you can notice if there has been music and noise all day and maybe the change in scenery needs to come in the form of quiet.
You know if you have people around you who are easily over -stimulated, change the scenery and limit some of that stimulation.
Just notice where you are And what could use a change in this moment to help bring a mood down.
One final version of this is distraction or redirection.
You can change the scenery of the argument, or of the expanding bad mood, by quickly going up to a kid who's stewing in his room, and you can say something like, hey, I'm going to place a grocery order in a minute.
Will you go out to the garage and see if we need to restock any milk or yogurt?
And since that kid is the one who loves milk and yogurt, he always goes.
I don't know how many times I've used this trick.
Just get him out of his doing.
Change his scenery even for a minute.
Trick the person into doing something helpful and that little shift, it takes the edge off the bad mood.
Change the scenery.
Okay, number six, be nostalgic.
If you're in a bad mood, especially as it relates to another person, be nostalgic about that relationship.
If your kid is getting on your nerves, open your photo app and look at old photos that make you smile of that kid.
If your partner is getting on your nerves and you're still speaking to each other, say something like, hey, you remember that time we played mini golf in the rain?
Remembering good times with our people, it can take the edge off.
I also think that looking at old photos of our kids with them, with the kids, it takes away their bad moods in like a weirdly fast way.
This is why we keep one of those digital frames that changes photos.
We keep that thing going all the time It's in the living room It's always within eyesight of anybody in the main part of the house and it's like a magic pill of happiness If somebody's cranky I can literally point to the frame and go like oh my gosh Look at Ben's tiny face and everyone will look and then I'll keep looking at the photos for a few minutes get kind of fuzzy Again and all as well So, watch old videos, look through old photos, talk about old memories.
Nostalgia is a sneaky little secret to helping us all handle bad moods.
And finally, number seven, we're all practicing.
Please remember that we are all practicing.
We are all learning how to be a person in this world, how to be in relationship with other people and not fall apart.
We're practicing patience and kindness and forgiveness.
I said this in episode 409, how to parent when your kid is annoying, that so often we're annoyed at our kids, or at our partners, for just enjoying themselves.
They're doing something that makes them happy.
That maybe it's louder or messier or just not what we expected to happen that day.
So we have to practice letting them, I have to practice letting the men in my family play their instruments very loudly.
That is both my boys and my husband.
I have to practice letting things go and breathing before I walk into a room where kids are arguing and not letting someone else's bad mood impact my pretty good one.
We're all practicing and when you remember that I think it just brings out compassion.
It makes us behave in the way that we really want to.
We want more compassion in our lives and our homes and our relationships.
So we're all practicing.
To recap here are the seven things to remember when handling bad moods.
It starts with you.
Stress needs a way out for you and your people.
Kindness is hard. The basics help change the scenery, be nostalgic and remember that we're all practicing.
And that's how to handle bad mitts.
All right, before we go, let's celebrate the lazy genius of the week.
This week, it is Diana Schock.
Diana writes, one decide once that I started long ago is the oldest gets to always sit in the front.
Let me tell you that is written in all caps.
Let me tell you, this is a lifesaver.
It stopped the fights.
They just know that's the expectation.
I have four kids and they each over the years have had their time in the front seat.
I kind of love this because like not all four kids are always gonna ride in the car at the same time either, so it's just whoever is the oldest around gets the front seat.
I can see how in a family that drives a lot and has this argument a lot, this single choice and really a single choice of any kind, whether it's like the oldest rides in the front or something else, those kinds of things are wildly wildly helpful.
Any time we can make fewer decisions, the better.
So thank you for sharing, Diane and congratulations on being the lazy genius of the week.
This podcast is part of the Odyssey Family and the Office Ladies Network.
This episode is hosted by me, Kendra Adachi and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey.
Special thanks to Lea Jarvis for weekly production.
Thanks y 'all for listening and until next time, be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't.
I'm Kendra and I'll see you next week.
