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What If?
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Hey there folks, and welcome back to What If World, the show where your questions and ideas inspire off-the-cuff stories.
I'm Mr. Eric, your host.
And today we're starting off with a question from a listener named Lucian.
Lucian and sibling Robin emailed a few questions and this one reads What if Alabaster Zero became a flower farmer and turned invisible on his birthday?
Oh, wow.
You know, I've got a bit of a green thumb, too.
But I never knew that Alabaster Zero... Got you green-thumbed, Mr. Erick.
Hi, Alabaster.
What are you accusing me of?
You've just confessed to some grievous woodland crime.
That's not what green-thumbed means.
Like catching frogs.
I would never.
Unless one jumped in a pool.
Ah, frog squeezer.
Well, it's safer to use a net.
Transfer them to a bucket of fresh water.
And then add them to your twisted reptile menagerie.
Frogs are amphibians.
And only an expert frog catcher would know something so obscure.
It's common knowledge.
And a green thumb just means you're good with plants.
How dare you accuse me of farming, gardening, horticulture?
I've never met a hort.
But their culture's not for me.
Whoa.
I thought you were more open-minded than that.
My mind's open to only one thing.
Catching lawbreakers and rule-shakers and bringing them to justice.
Sounds like two or three things.
That's it.
You're under semi-arrest.
Semi-arrest.
Yeah, that means you annoy me, which isn't technically against the law, but it should be.
It really shouldn't.
Well, now you're under semi- Semi-arrest.
So, less than semi-arrest.
No, I... Folks at home, we'll hear one last question from a listener named Jacob after the story.
Are you ignoring me?
But for now, let's find out what if Alabaster Zero became a flower farmer... I think you are!
...and turned invisible on his birthday.
Your story starts after a quick break.
I will not be ignored! shouted Alabaster, right in the face of his detective partner, Fair Elise.
Alabaster, said Fair Elise. fluttering her little fairy wings.
Have you been antagonizing Mr. Eric again?
Maybe.
They were standing in the middle of their shared office space at Zero Fair Investigations in downtown New What City.
But he accused me of having a green thumb.
And?
That's not the color of my thumb.
Okay, I think it's time you take a break.
Fine.
I'll be back in five minutes with six crimes I imagined for us to investigate.
No, you won't.
You're taking the year off.
What?
No!
You're under triple semi-arrest!
And for the last time, we are private investigators.
You can neither arrest nor semi-arrest anyone.
And with that, Alabaster Zero left the office.
No, I didn't!
Detectives detect!
What else am I supposed to do?
You haven't taken a single weekend off, sick day, or vacation day in nine years and four months.
That's 1,102 thirds of a day's vacation accumulated.
Well, we have a great PTO policy.
In the bylaws I wrote and you signed.
Only because I didn't feel like reading them.
So, would you rather take one year off or three?
Oh...
One, I guess.
But you'll come get me if there's a really good mystery.
Absolutely, but only if the what-if question asks for you by name.
What was that?
Goodbye, Alabaster.
Enjoy your vacation.
Are you ignoring me?
Sprite, all right, would you please teleport the detective home?
I think you are.
All right.
I will not be ignored, shouted Alabaster Zero right in the face of his sleeping vampire cat Tabby Tallulah.
Were you antagonizing Farrelly's again?
Maybe.
They were standing in the middle of their shared apartment, in the building called The Warehouse.
That's W-H-E-R-E, of course.
And the new Watt City neighborhood, known as Smell's Kitchen.
Wait, we live in Smell's Kitchen?
That sounds terrible.
No, it smells terrible.
Were you antagonizing Mr. Eric, too?
Allegedly.
Personally, I think you've been your own worst enemy.
You are needing a break.
Drawled Tabby Tallulah, stretching out in her cat tower before rolling up into a furry little ball.
Fine, I'll be back in 90 seconds with 16 crimes I imagined for us to investigate.
Shh!
Do not make mistake of antagonizing your vampire cat roommate, Alabaster.
Roommate?
I own you, cat!
Sat was mistake moments later, and stay out is what i'll do, because i felt like leaving our apartment, yelled alabaster from the hallway, but tabby talula was keenly ignoring him.
Okay, now what asked alabaster Forgetting?
The whole point of this story was for him to become a flower farmer.
But I'm a detective!
There's no way I could.
An alabaster was on the roof of his building, where rows and rows of garden beds were spread out, devoid of life, color or even dirt.
Mr. Eric, will you please stop scene-dashing me places? pleaded Alabaster.
And his most magnanimous and perspicacious narrator... You forgot pedantic.
And Alabaster was at the local plant nursery.
Uh-oh.
Buying lots of expensive gardening supplies.
Next customer, please.
No, this is a mistake.
People just keep throwing me out of places for being obnoxious.
Then you're in luck.
Plants will never tell you you're obnoxious.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
We only sell non-speaking plants and seeds.
It's true.
Then who was that?
That was your garden trowel.
I'm going to help you get your act together.
An alabaster shoved the trowel into a bag of soil.
Anyway, I could exchange this tool for a- No refunds.
Have a nice day.
You're lucky I can't semi-arrest you.
Next customer, please.
Are you ignoring me?
Thanks for shopping at the Howling Trowel, the store where we don't tell you the name of the store until you leave.
That's a terrible gimmick.
Who would shop here?
Apparently, you.
I think I preferred being ignored.
Sweating and miserable Alabaster finally pushed his wheelbarrow full of tools, seeds and soil off the freight elevator and onto the roof of the warehouse.
You had to make me miserable, didn't you, Mr. Eric?
You're the boss of your feelings, Alabaster.
I just tell it like I see it.
Then get ready to see here a lot more misery.
Because there's no way I'm going to enjoy mucking around in all this dirt on this pleasantly breezy day, with just enough clouds in the sky and cars below sounding like waves in the ocean, said Alabaster, quickly losing himself in the work.
He spread out bag after bag of rich soil in the rooftop garden beds, occasionally pausing to just feel the soft dirt and breathe the earthy air.
Then, taking out his trowel, he dug tiny holes for the seeds.
Trowel, do you have to howl so much?
Oh, I never thought about it.
Do you have to detective so much?
I never thought about it.
Hey, how did you know I detective?
You've been doing gritty noir monologues under your breath for the past three hours.
Sounds like this trowel dug up the wrong dirt.
See, there, you just did it again.
I, what?
Oh, sorry.
I guess everyone expects me to detect all the time, so I sort of keep doing what's expected of you.
Well, I've never met a singing garden tool so wise.
I better not have heard a howling trowel up here.
Oh no!
The new voice startled Alabaster, who dropped the trowel onto the hard roof.
Why, if it isn't our unfriendly neighborhood?
Custodian, said Alabaster, greeting the grumpy Custardian as he wheeled his cleaning cart onto the roof.
And yes, as you may have guessed, the Custardian was little more than a set of big blue overalls wrapped around a wet, squishy pile of Don't say it, Mr Eric.
Custard!
Oh, of course.
Stop looking at me like I'm dessert, Mr. Zero.
Me?
No, I'm just glad you're not made out of ice cream, I know.
Because I melt before you could eat me.
I don't want to eat you.
I just want a garden.
Garden?
There's no gardens allowed on this roof.
Then how do you explain all the garden boxes?
Oh, looks like we've got a detective on our hands.
Now that you mention it, I... So why don't you go, detective, eh?
And let me turtle eyes in peace.
Turtle eyes?
Like what a tortoise sees through?
No.
Turd allies is what a custodian does.
Don't you live here?
Technically, but I haven't had a day off in nine years, so you've left me a right mess.
I've got to get straight to turding.
If you mean cleaning, I really wish you'd just say it.
The custodian narrowed his gooey eyes, then squished up close to the detective and picked up the howling trowel.
You know what's expected of you, little tool?
I do.
Fine then.
I'm gonna stick you here in the garden bed.
Yup.
Howling and digging.
That's why I'm here.
Right, well, gardening means dirt.
And there's no dirt allowed in my building.
Um okay, but So if you see anyone up here trying to garden, I want you to howl your little blade off.
Oh, but it's autumn in the present of this episode which starts off in the past, and that's when I'm supposed to plant these Detectives detect.
Trowels howl.
And Custerians turn.
Clean, clean, right.
I get it.
I'll go, said Alabaster.
But he didn't get it.
These gardening rules felt kind of rigid, even unfair.
Listen, will you at least leave the soil in the beds?
I spend a lot of money at the store and they don't give refunds.
Meh, I suppose I can leave the dirt.
But if I hear one howl from that trowel, all these garden beds go straight to the dumpster.
Totally fair, said Alabaster out loud.
Totally unfair, mumbled Alabaster under his breath.
I heard that.
But Alabaster was already trudging down the steps away from the curmudgeonly custodian.
I heard that too.
Wow, for someone with pudding for ears, he hears really well.
Thank you.
But Alabaster didn't stay away for long.
You see, he had a secret.
Do you remember what it is?
That's right.
Every year on Alabaster's birthday, he turns invisible.
It had made for some lonely birthdays.
Not this year, whispered Alabaster as the clock told midnight and his birthday officially began.
Duh.
So my apartment is in Smell's Kitchen, where a giant clock tolls loudly at 12 a.m. every night.
Yeah, but it's really close to the park.
Oh, well, you can't beat that.
While the clock tolled loudly, Alabaster pushed open the rooftop door and snuck into his would-be garden.
The howling trowel couldn't see Alabaster, but Alabaster, is that you?
Asked the trepidatious trowel.
Oh, hey, trowel.
I guess the jig is up.
Whatever do you mean?
All I heard was a seed packet ripping.
Haven't seen a thing.
But, but, you're the howling trowel.
You're supposed to- Just call me Tal, okay?
And I love singing and howling, but I want to do it on my terms.
But Tal, the rules.
Plant your seeds, alabaster, and happy birthday.
How did you know it was my-?
I guess detecting isn't just for detectives said Tal the Trowel with a mysterious air as Alabaster went about planting his seeds.
I guess we'll never solve the mystery of how Tal figured out it was my birthday, said Alabaster Zero, as I narrated without realizing it, like I do whenever I'm in the Zone, the Zero Zone, planting flower seeds invisibly, because I turn invisible on my birthday every year.
But I'll never tell anyone!
But I'll also use this very specific and potentially villainous superpower with equally super secret responsibility.
Shh!
Interrupted Tau the trowel, somehow seeming to sense my inner monologue.
Outer monologue.
With some kind of telepathy psychic ability.
Listening.
And as the sun rose, over knew- Over knew what city and I took over the narrating for Mr. Eric.
I carefully cleaned every bit of dirt for myself.
I breathed in the cool air of autumn, watered my seeds and snuck down to the common area of the warehouse.
It was quiet here in the wee hours of the morn.
The only one here was the new tenant, dancey pantsy, quietly reading a book in braille by running the smooth khaki of his pants leg over it.
What's that?
Who's there?
Said the pair of animate khaki pants.
Of course he couldn't see me because it's my birthday and I'm invisible.
I can't see you because I don't have eyes.
But my ear pockets work just fine.
Who are you?
Oh, I must have been thinking out loud.
For the first time ever.
And the last.
You see, what Dancy Pansy didn't know and what I, Detective Alabaster Zero, could never reveal, is that I'd just done something nobody ever expected of me, and I felt at peace.
You know, Alabaster...
No one thought I'd go from being a supervillain to a librarian, but here I am!
This isn't the library!
I... yes, I know.
I moved here, even though everyone expected me to live with Fred and JFK.
In their tuna fish cabin on the moon?
Is that where they ended up?
Well, yeah, but they've got this teleporting ball, so... Wow, yeah, I'm happier here.
Close to work, figuring out myself, without all those expectations.
It was the longest conversation I'd ever had while invisible.
He didn't expect me to skulk or be detective-y or anything.
But would he think less of me if he knew I was a secret flower farmer?
Nope, sounds pretty cool.
But you know, flowers eventually grow, so they might not stay secret forever.
Uh-oh.
An alabaster might have worried through the rest of the fall and winter, but who wants to listen to that?
So let's skip to the spring and see those flowers bloom.
Spring?
I thought the flowers would bloom next year on my birthday so I could sneak up and see.
Sorry, alabaster.
That's kind of why they call it spring.
I thought it was because of how the ground turned to trampoline.
Okay, that too sometimes, but that's more of a what-if world thing.
I've got to get up to the roof.
Without being seen on the roof.
So I don't break the rules, said Alabaster, running out of the building in a panic.
Dancy Pansy and Tabby Tallulah could tell he was worried and followed him out.
What is going on, Alabaster, said Tabby.
Yeah, your behavior is slightly more unusual than usual, said Dancy Pansy.
But Alabaster was already bouncing himself up and down on the springy pavement, using the sidewalk like a trampoline to try to see his rooftop garden.
You know, I am a cat, Alabaster, and a vampire.
I can both jump and fly if I feel like it.
Feel like it now not particularly then why bring it up?
Oh for crying out, stop that alabaster, before you hurt yourself.
I can fly too, you know.
Okay, but run afoul of towel, the trowel, and they'll howl.
I'll prowl like an owl and hide your scowl with my towel, like a cowl.
I can't wear a cowl, i don't have a face, and yet i can tell you're scowling.
Are you two done?
Yes ma'am, okay.
Yep, And Dancy Pansy wrapped up Alabaster and flew to the top of the building where they saw.
It's so beautiful.
The Custardian dabbing at an eggy tear from atop the roof of the warehouse.
His cleaning cart nowhere in sight.
I know!
Cried Tal the Trowel, staring out at beds abloom with foxglove, daisies, geraniums, and yarrow. daylilies and flowers you've only just imagined so you're not mad custodian asked alabaster coming to land gently on the roof of course i'm mad i should have started a garden up here long ago look at all the birds and bees they're finally clinging to something other than me and my custard and indeed the many many pollinators drawn in from across what if world Flew from flower to flower, ignoring the sweet yet salty man in blue overalls.
Except, what was that?
What was that?
As the tiniest dusting of pollen fell on the Custardian, he started to disappear.
Nuh-uh.
I'm writing for Invisible.
Turns out.
When you have the secret magic power to turn invisible, but only on your birthday, and you use that power to plant a massive garden, you end up Turning everyone.
Invisible?
I already have that power too.
Yeah, and I don't even have eyes.
I can't imagine this will be a problem.
But maybe you can.
Who, me?
No, I was talking to the... Oh, the listeners, right.
Yeah, I'm good at narrating.
Then why don't you say... The end!
There you go.
What?
Thanks, Lucien, for your question.
Now let's hear Jacob's idea, which gave us our cliffhanger ending.
My name is Jacob, and I like cats.
And my word of question is, what if everyone was invisible?
Thank you, Jacob.
Folks at home, what do you think will happen when everyone is invisible?
What kinds of possibilities and challenges might this invisibility bring?
And hey, did you notice at the end that the custodian didn't have his cleaning cart?
And the trowel wasn't howling.
And Alabaster wasn't really detectiving at all.
What other sides are there to you beyond what people might expect?
Get curious about that side of yourself, too.
And who knows?
It might inspire your next What If question.
When it does get your grown-up's permission to email.
Hello at whatifworldpodcastcom with your questions ideas artwork, whatever.
We recently had a listener named Parker share a picture of his Boy Scout Racer, which had Cthunkle JFKat and Fred the Dog on it.
So cool!
Thank you, Parker, and thanks to...
All of you kids out there for sharing and imagining with us.
Remember you can support What If World by going to whatifworldpodcastcom to get ad-free episodes, monthly bonus content and more.
I'd like to thank Karen O'Keefe, my co-creator, my producer, Miss Lynn Craig Martinson for our theme song, and all you kids at home who give new experiences a chance.
They might justify your expectations.
And until we meet again, keep wondering.
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