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Hello, my lovely listeners.
By now you know, the more knowledge we have about ourselves and the way our bodies work, the more empowered and in control we are, and this is also true when it comes to our sexual health and what to do after unprotected sex.
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It's emergency contraception with no age requirement that helps prevent pregnancy before it starts and, because it works by only temporarily delaying ovulation, it won't impact your ability to get pregnant in the future.
We love a backup plan that puts us in control, because the more we know, the more power we have.
Learn more at planb1step.com, users directed.
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Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology.
Hello everybody, welcome back to the show, welcome back to the podcast.
New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here back for another episode, as we, of course, break down the psychology of our 20s.
When we think of friendships, I'd hope most of us think of these very glorious relationships like the reason the world spins the most glorious moments of laughter and conversation, and like someone who you don't have to explain yourself to, and like ultimate comfortability.
Friendship is obviously supposed to be kind of a place of like, ease and safety and joy, but sometimes, you know, let's just say it very simply it just isn't.
Sometimes a friendship does start to feel more like an obligation or a drain or a source of anxiety.
Unfortunately for those who have you know, those of us who have been in this situation Some friendships can become very toxic and show patterns of control and disrespect and manipulation that do a number on us, really start to chip away at our self-esteem.
And that brings me to the focus of today's episode.
I obviously love focusing on like the beauty of friendship and like how wonderful it is and how much it brings us.
And I'm kind of always a little bit bummed to talk about the less positive sides of friendship, but it does need to be acknowledged.
We are so good at talking about red flags in relationships, signs of toxic or narcissistic partners, but platonic relationships are just as important and therefore can sometimes be just as difficult and harmful.
And in your 20s, I think this is even more complicated.
Friendship means so much to us in this decade.
But also your life is rapidly changing and sometimes our friendships don't match up with what else is happening in our life.
Maybe you've had or you've found success and suddenly this relationship has become competitive.
Or your friends made new friends and now it's one-sided.
Now it's rooted in criticism.
Now you're no longer supporting each other.
Here's the truth.
Not every friendship is meant to last forever.
Yet we so often hold on because friendship is wrapped up in these ideas of loyalty and longevity.
And I think at the end of the day, hope.
We all have this image.
We've all talked to our friends about being in each other's weddings, knowing each other's children, being in the nursing home together.
And so when that becomes obvious that that's not going to be the future, it can feel like a betrayal.
But sometimes it is absolutely necessary and, quite frankly, worth it to acknowledge when a friendship is no longer suiting us or when it has turned toxic.
So today we're going to talk about that the five types of toxic friendships that we might encounter, how to recognize them, how to know when you're in one, how to navigate getting out of one especially when you're in like a broader friendship group and when it is absolutely time to walk away, time to say just goodbye and how to do that.
There's quite a lot I've realized.
There's a lot to talk about, but I am ready.
I hope you are too.
Without further ado, let's get into it.
If you think back to being a child, you know, your world was relatively small.
Like the people who mattered to you are like your family and like the neighborhood kids, or like the kids you go to school with.
They weren't really chosen.
They're just kind of there.
Same thing in adolescence.
Maybe they matter a little bit more, but it's definitely tied up in like school and proximity.
Your 20s are very different.
Everything kind of splinters.
You meet so many new people.
This is the decade where you truly choose a lot of those meaningful relationships.
And those choices make a huge difference.
You might be living away from family, living in a new city where you don't know anyone.
You're figuring out who you are.
And your friends become the scaffolding for that new sense of self.
It's why this decade gets called the friendship decade mainly, mainly by me, but i'm trying to get it to catch on.
You know, you're not tied down by the same responsibilities that take over later on, like marriage kids, big career investments, big financial investments, but you also aren't like the main relationship you have isn't the one you have with your family anymore.
Friends step into this empty space left by family and, before you know, kids or a major life partner steps in And they become everything to us.
They become like family.
I know that sounds so cringe, but we know that's the truth.
We know that they are more important in this decade than any other.
And there's good reason for this.
A 2023 study published in Frontiers in Psychology actually demonstrated that adult friendships are the strongest predictor of life satisfaction for young adults, even more than career success, finances or romantic status.
That's crazy.
It means that you know the person sitting across from you at the cafe right now or the person in your group chat has more of an influence on your well-being and whether you're going to be happy than almost anything else right now.
A healthy friendship gives us psychological safety.
First of all, it gives us a space where we can be confused and we can be messy, and we can be ambitious or we can be vulnerable without fear of being judged.
And i think they also give us a mirror.
You know we really see ourselves reflected and how our friends respond to us.
When a friend tells us they're proud of you, that gives you a boost.
When they tell you to kind of pull your head in, that humbles you.
You see yourself through them.
And friendship, which I don't think a lot of people know, actually regulates us biologically.
The neuroscientist Ruth Feldman has conducted a lot of research in this area, and her work has shown that close friends that spend time together, their physiological states literally sync up.
Their heart rates align, their bodies release oxytocin in tandem.
Their brain activity shows similar patterns.
This is a phenomenon called bio-behavioral synchrony.
And it explains why being near a trusted friend can and will significantly lower your stress levels.
I have this with a couple of my friends, but I'm really thinking about my best friend.
I surprised her recently in Tasmania, which is like this tiny island off of Australia where she lives.
And every time I'm around her...
We always talk about how calm and co-regulated we feel, like everything just feels lighter and easier and softer.
In other words, you know, really great friendships don't just make life enjoyable.
They actually make you a more stable version of yourself.
So that's why, when a friendship tips into like unhealthy territory, the damage can feel so destabilizing because in essence you know you're not just losing a relationship, you're losing a co-regulator, you're losing a mirror, you're losing a source of strength.
So with that in mind, let's dive into these five types of toxic friendships to look out for.
Firstly, I want to just give a brief caveat.
What do we mean when we actually say by toxic?
I don't think that toxic describes a person.
I'm using it to describe a relationship.
I fully believe this.
I don't think that anyone can be toxic.
We all have character traits and flaws that someone else won't like, but other people won't have an issue with.
There are some people that maybe are more malicious and manipulative than others.
It doesn't mean that they are inherently a poisonous person.
I also believe people inherently have a capacity to change.
That's my personal belief.
There are things in my past that I'm not entirely proud of.
There are moments that I have let someone down and I've done the wrong thing.
Absolutely.
Like I...
I can remember these times when I didn't think about someone else's feelings and that really hurt them but I know I have grown and I've acknowledged my role and my actions and that has really helped me have this new perspective for friends that have hurt me in the past it's not always fair to judge someone based on the last impression you had of them five years ago ten years ago we change so much in that time especially if you were like under the age of 30 when it happened I think only true sociopaths can be labelled as toxic and even then some of them are very functional and they learn empathy and they are no different to you and me in terms of how they act in friendships.
So.
What we are referring to here is toxic dynamics and the friction that can be created between two people because of how one person is acting, another person is responding, their environment and how their personalities may be clashing.
So I just want to clear that up at the top.
That being said, let's introduce the first type of toxic friendship, the competitor.
For this type of friend or friendship, everything feels like they're trying to one up you.
You got a new job.
Well, that doesn't compare at all to their promotion that they had last month.
You just ran 5K.
Well, they're training for a 10K.
So good luck with that.
If you've gone to London, they went to Paris.
Each time you share successes or something you're proud of, their knee jerk reaction is to match it, beat it or downplay it.
Even suffering can become a contest.
I don't know if you've experienced this, but you know what that one friend, where if you're stressed, they're more stressed.
If you're hurt, they're hurting worse.
If they've been through a breakup, you should hear about their breakup from five years ago.
It was awful.
This isn't just annoying.
Over time, it really erodes your ability to share anything with them.
Because why would you?
Why would you if they're just going to turn it into a competition?
The root of this is usually social comparison, right?
And it comes from an insecurity in them.
They see something in you that threatens their obviously quite weak sense of self.
And so they have to engage in a very specific form of social comparison, called downward social comparison, to make themselves feel better by making you, positioning you as inferior to them.
But it often means that you start to censor yourself.
And one of the best parts of friendship is sharing your achievements and also sharing your hard moments.
If you can't do that, What's the point?
You know what's the point of genuinely never being able to communicate anything good or bad about your life.
So that's number one.
That's the competitor.
Secondly, there's the friend who... always, always has something to say about what you're doing.
This next type of toxic friend, we're going to call the critic or the controller.
You tell them you're trying a new hobby, they roll their eyes.
They tell you it's.
You know it's actually really bad for the environment that you won't stick with it.
That that's kind of lame.
You're dating someone new.
Well, they pick apart their flaws.
They talk about how terrible they might be for you, how you could do better.
At first, maybe you'll laugh.
Maybe you'll see them as being protective.
Over time, though, this like steady drip of criticism starts to kind of poison everything else.
This can also sometimes transform into straight up belittlement, whereby they act as if they always know best.
They make you feel smaller, like your decisions are never going to be right.
They're never going to be good enough.
And again, what's tricky is that this is often disguised as care, right?
They might phrase it as I just don't want to see you get hurt, or I'm only telling you this because I care.
But if they actually cared or they were mature enough to show they cared properly, it would actually build you up and give you the confidence to act in your own way, right.
Something like, hey, I support you no matter what, but have you considered this?
Or you do what's best for you.
You know I'll always be there if you need me, but have you considered this other thing?
Do you see like the shift in framing here?
They would be delicate about it, they would be gentle.
That is what a friend should do.
And sure you know you actually don't want a friend who is always going to agree with you or lie to you.
I always say the best sign of a friendship is someone who's going to be ruthlessly honest with you when it is helpful.
But if you always disagree with someone in every single thing and if it's always like a power struggle, why are you even friends?
Surely there's someone better.
In fact, their constant criticism is often a way to try and keep you small and control you, and to assert dominance.
According to the Gottman Institute.
The Gottman Institute is basically like one of the leading marriage and relationship expert groups in the world.
They say that criticism is one of their four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse.
It is like one of the biggest signs of relationship breakdown, according to them.
And it sits alongside contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
And it's damaging because of how it breaks down trust in a relationship and puts someone on edge constantly.
Criticism is also a sign that contempt will build on your end or defensiveness will occur and eventually you will get to that stonewalling stage where you just don't care anymore.
If they're going to give their opinion and you don't want to listen to it, why listen to anything they have to say?
OK, so so far we've had the competitor and we've had the critic.
We are going to take a short break now.
But when we return, let's introduce you to our three remaining toxic friendships.
Stay with us.
I'm Stephanie Beatriz, actor and Walmart Plus member.
I get the same big benefits as Prime for a whole lot less.
Like free same-day delivery, gas savings, plus a video streaming choice included.
All for only 98 bucks a year.
So if you like money, specifically your money and saving it, you might want to switch to the membership that costs less.
Walmart Plus.
Who knew?
Switch and save today.
$139 Prime annual fee versus $98 Walmart Plus annual fee.
$35 minimum delivery with Walmart Plus.
$25 minimum delivery with Prime.
One streaming service with ads every 90 days.
Additional registration required.
Terms and conditions apply.
Hello, my lovely listeners.
By now you know, the more knowledge we have about ourselves and the way our bodies work, the more empowered and in control we are.
And this is also true when it comes to our sexual health and what to do after unprotected sex.
That's where Plan B comes in.
It's emergency contraception with no age requirement that helps prevent pregnancy before it starts.
And because it works by only temporarily delaying ovulation, it won't impact your ability to get pregnant in the future.
We love a backup plan that puts us in control because the more we know, the more power we have.
Learn more at planb1step.com, users directed.
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Your 20s can bring on enough worries.
From career decisions to financial stress, to choices that feel like they will define your whole future.
But have you ever felt like your concerns don't quite stop there?
Like you're constantly dealing with distressing unwanted thoughts.
Maybe you repeatedly get stuck questioning if you're in the right relationship, if you've accidentally offended your colleagues or if you're capable of harming someone you love.
Believe it or not, these experiences could be symptoms of OCD.
But OCD is treatable.
So you don't actually have to live like this.
And that's why I want to tell you about NoCD.
NoCD is the world's leading provider of OCD treatment.
All of their licensed therapists specialize in ERP, or exposure and response prevention, the most effective treatment for OCD.
Therapy with NoCD is covered by insurance for over 155 million Americans, and they provide support between sessions, so you're never left feeling like you're facing OCD alone.
Don't let OCD keep you stuck whilst your 20s pass you by.
If any of this sounds familiar, go to NoCD.com and book in a free call with their team.
That's NoCD.com.
Okay, so we have two down, three to go.
Are you ready?
After the competitor and the critic, we have the gossip.
I know we've all met one of these people before.
The funny thing about them is that they can actually be really magnetic at first.
You know, they are often the ones who always know what's happening.
They seem kind of popular because they know everything in everyone's business.
Being close to them can feel like being on the inside.
They're often very charismatic.
But eventually you realise...
Hey, I don't think they've talked about themselves once.
They only talk about other people or their opinions about other people.
Or maybe in between all the gossip, they start asking you really personal, really intrusive questions about your life.
And then you kind of have this realization like, huh?
If they're talking about everyone else like this, they're probably talking about me too.
I don't think that I'm going to be excluded from this.
I'm fairly sure like I'm going to be a target.
That breaks trust.
And once that trust is broken, I think it's nearly impossible to feel safe about opening up again. friendship thrives on confidentiality and on the belief that your vulnerabilities are held close and careful so when those get broadcast any foundation of intimacy like falls apart I've also found that with the gossip they tend to use others secrets as social currency like as a form of money like they're a way to gain power for themselves and so when you're the kind of person who they're sacrificing like it doesn't feel good your secrets are being used to bolster their ego eventually all of that kind of social secret mining it's going to turn on them it's going to turn on you i promise you that you will realize one day that someone knows something about you that you did not tell them who told them that the gossip Additionally, I also just think it gets pretty boring talking about other people all the time and it feels kind of nasty.
You feel the empathy and guilt in your body.
It's not to say that none of us, all of us like shouldn't be gossiping.
It's actually a very natural human thing.
But afterwards, I don't know about you, I feel pretty gross about it.
And I always feel the need to be like, oh you know, but they're such a good person, but this this, this.
So if you're friends with someone who's always gossiping and doesn't seem to have that same reaction, sometimes it could say something deeper about your values.
You kind of end up thinking like, how in the world do you have the stamina for this?
What else are they actually even interested in?
What do we even talk about?
What's left in their own life?
Nothing.
It's not necessarily that your secrets are being shared.
It might just be that this friendship is kind of boring.
This next toxic friendship is actually pretty hard to spot.
And this is the victim or the manipulator.
The victim is always wronged.
Their boss is always unfair to them.
Their partner is always cruel.
Their other friends are neglectful.
At first, you might feel bad for them.
Of course you would.
Of course you would want to believe them.
You know, how awful are these people treating them?
This is so terrible.
You want to show them support.
But somewhere along the line you do begin to notice how your needs never really make it into the conversation.
And another thing you may notice is that they never seem to take responsibility for their actions.
It can't always be a 50-50 split.
But if nothing ever resolves, even after your advice, your assistance, your comfort and it's always a new person for them.
Well, I don't know.
I just don't believe one person's luck is ever that bad.
What might happen is that when you finally set a boundary and you say, you know, I can't hang out.
I'm super exhausted.
Or you mentioned that you feel a little bit unheard or you don't feel great.
They flip the script.
They might say something like, well, I guess I'm a bad friend.
I guess I'll just leave you alone then.
Leaving you feeling guilty.
Wondering if you were too harsh.
Even though all you did was put a boundary in place.
In the most extreme cases, I do think this sometimes veers into gaslighting.
They might turn the narrative so that you're the one at fault for their unhappiness.
You become the villain they tell all their other friends about.
Maybe converging in a sense into the gossip as well.
This constant cycle of trying to do the right thing guilt, self-doubt and then exhaustion is super draining and it can leave you kind of unsure of where you stand.
You don't want to let them down, but you also want to respect yourself.
I think of all the five toxic friendships, this is the hardest one to walk away from.
Finally, we have the rarest type of all, and that is the friend who is just downright mean.
They are the combination of competitive, controlling, the gossip and the victim.
Sometimes you might struggle to find like literally any redeeming quality about them.
Simply put, they are just not very nice to you.
They make you the punchline of the jokes in the group setting.
They always seem to ruin a perfectly nice time.
They are always hostile.
They betray you, they flirt with your partner, they out a secret about you, they sabotage you.
This person may be a friend.
I also think that they could sometimes be a family member, a sibling, a colleague.
To put it frankly, like, you can tell they don't like you.
But for some reason, like, they end up remaining in your life.
Maybe because you run in the same circles.
Maybe because, you know, your lives are so intertwined.
Maybe they're family.
Maybe they are super nice sometimes.
But their hostility is also super obvious.
I think all of these toxic friendships can leave scars.
This kind in particular though, I think can cause attachment wounds very similar to that of a romantic relationship, because it can feel like a full on affront.
Before we talk about the question you're probably all asking right now, why don't we just walk away?
Let's just quickly talk about how you can spot if you are in a friendship with this kind of dynamic.
One of the hardest parts of recognizing a toxic friendship is that the red flags don't always look obvious.
It's not like someone is being like, woohoo, don't be friends with me.
I'm going to treat you terribly.
And it's not like when a partner has been awful to you, you know if they've cheated or were nasty to you.
It's pretty clear cut.
And we talk about it openly.
Like I said, we talk about red flags in relationships all the time.
But with friends, it's a lot more subtle.
It's the way you shrink a little when you see them come in the room.
It's the feeling of relief when your plans get cancelled.
It's noticing that after hanging out with them, you feel worse about yourself, not better.
So a concept we might use to refer to this is what we call emotional residue.
Even when the conversation is over, even when the hangout is done, that negative sticky residue lingers.
You feel gross.
You replay what you said.
You question if you overreacted.
You feel really drained.
And over time, that residue actually accumulates as well.
It's not just emotionally draining, this actually has a huge impact on how we feel in our bodies.
Studies on social stress show that difficult relationships elevate cortisol.
They impair sleep, they weaken immunity.
One such study published in 2012 by the University of Utah shows the extent of this impact.
So in the study, this involved 136 adults and they looked into their relationships with friends, with family, with acquaintances, and they measured both the positive and negative feeling associated with these bonds.
The researchers were basically looking into whether there was any difference in the length of the participants telomeres.
Telomeres are basically the protective caps we have on our chromosomes.
Basically, they protect our DNA from damage.
They're like helmets for our DNA.
It's kind of technical, but basically the shorter the telomere, the higher the risk of chronic diseases and a shorter lifespan.
And they wanted to see is there a link between positive and negative relationships and telomere length?
What they found was that for the participants with a higher number of relationships that had both really high highs and really low lows, basically a toxic friendship.
The shorter the length of the telomeres.
Let's dive into these findings a little bit more.
They basically suggest that these participants who had been in turbulent up and down relationships had a higher risk of chronic conditions and stress reactivity compared to people who had obviously all great relationships, but interestingly, also people who just had a lot of pretty terrible relationships.
According to the findings of this study, What really mattered here, what really impacted health and telomere length, was the intensity of the switch up and was the kind of toxicity meter of these relationships.
It was the fact that there were some good parts and some bad parts, this emotional push and pull, that was dangerous.
That means that even when the friendship isn't necessarily all bad, the inconsistency itself in those friendships is what can take a toll.
So to contrast that, let's talk about what a good friendship feels like.
And I know this feels kind of silly, but I actually think this is really, really fascinating.
And I've never seen anyone talk about this before.
In the 90s, researchers Mettleson and Abbott proposed a model of six key qualities of strong friendships.
These included stimulating companionship, so engaging in enjoyable activities together.
Help providing each other with support and guidance.
Intimacy, so sharing personal things with each other.
They also included a reliable alliance, so trust, emotional security and self-validation.
Basically, you encourage each other to feel good about each other and to maintain a positive self-image.
That means a good friend celebrates you instead of competing with you.
They encourage you instead of criticizing you.
They listen to you.
They spend time with you.
They don't gossip about you.
Not only does the research suggest that those who have more of these good quality, strong friendships tend to rate their life satisfaction and their well-being more highly, but a follow-up study in 2022 found that having these strong friendships is almost protective against stress.
So that study, it was done in Austria.
It found and it focused on university students during the pandemic.
And it found that when they had good friendships, they actually suffered less long term.
Obviously, that's a different time now, but I still think this plays out on a lot of other scales.
They are what keeps us strong.
And so if you've got someone who secretly wants to be your worst enemy and secretly wants to see you fail, it's not going to help.
It's hard to notice them, but their impact is felt.
So if it's so clear that these toxic relationships harm us, why do we stay?
This is complicated.
I've asked myself this question many times.
So let's talk about it after this short break.
I'm Stephanie Beatriz, actor and Walmart Plus member.
I get the same big benefits as Prime for a whole lot less.
Like free same-day delivery, gas savings, plus a video streaming choice included.
All for only 98 bucks a year.
So if you like money, specifically your money and saving it, you might want to switch to the membership that costs less.
Walmart Plus.
Who knew?
Switch and save today.
$139 Prime annual fee versus $98 Walmart Plus annual fee.
$35 minimum delivery with Walmart Plus.
$25 minimum delivery with Prime.
One streaming service with ads every 90 days.
Additional registration required.
Terms and conditions apply.
Hello, my lovely listeners.
By now you know, the more knowledge we have about ourselves and the way our bodies work, the more empowered and in control we are.
And this is also true when it comes to our sexual health and what to do after unprotected sex.
That's where Plan B comes in.
It's emergency contraception with no age requirement that helps prevent pregnancy before it starts.
And because it works by only temporarily delaying ovulation, it won't impact your ability to get pregnant in the future.
We love a backup plan that puts us in control because the more we know, the more power we have.
Learn more at planb1step.com, users directed.
Your 20s can bring on enough worries, from career decisions to financial stress, to choices that feel like they will define your whole future.
But have you ever felt like your concerns don't quite stop there?
Like you're constantly dealing with distressing unwanted thoughts.
Maybe you repeatedly get stuck questioning if you're in the right relationship, if you've accidentally offended your colleagues or if you're capable of harming someone you love.
Believe it or not, these experiences could be symptoms of OCD.
But OCD is treatable.
So you don't actually have to live like this.
And that's why I want to tell you about NoCD.
NoCD is the world's leading provider of OCD treatment.
All of their licensed therapists specialize in ERP, or exposure and response prevention, the most effective treatment for OCD.
Therapy with NoCD is covered by insurance for over 155 million Americans, and they provide support between sessions, so you're never left feeling like you're facing OCD alone.
Don't let OCD keep you stuck whilst your 20s pass you by.
If any of this sounds familiar, go to NoCD.com and book in a free call with their team.
That's NoCD.com.
What happens when Delta Airlines sends four creators around the world to find out what is the true power of travel?
I think it helped me sort of like get grounded.
I think I unlocked some like childhood dream.
Turned my stress into excitement.
Take that gratitude from those experiences into your daily life.
That's why I connected with Dr Henry Ting, Delta's Chief Health and Wellness Officer, an instrumental voice behind this travel experiment.
Traveling in general is going to give you that social and cultural and psychological and emotional expansion.
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Find out more about how travel can support wellbeing on this special episode of The Psychology of Your 20s, presented by Delta.
Fly and live better.
Listen wherever you get your podcasts.
I've talked about this on the podcast a few times throughout the many years, but when I was a kid I was pretty badly bullied.
When I was in primary school, I remember once like this group of friends that I really liked.
Every weekend.
I would get my parents to call them on like the home phone to have like playdates on the weekends.
And they would always be like, oh, sorry, like the parents would be like, oh, sorry, she's busy.
Sorry, they're busy.
And then on Monday, I would like find out that they were all hanging out because they tell me.
One time I remember when I was in high school, I was like to my friends, let's do Secret Santa.
And they were all like, that's such a stupid idea.
And then on the last day of school, I was riding my bike home through the park next to our school.
And I saw them there all like exchanging gifts.
And they like saw me and they laughed and they like ducked down.
I stayed friends with those people until I left the state.
Why did I do that?
Part of it is history.
If you've been friends for years, you're reliant on them for at least some sense of who you are, or just to not feel alone.
Cutting ties feels very difficult.
You have woven them into your life.
And so to untangle that can feel impossible and very, very scary and very isolating.
The fear of being left out, the fear of rocking the boat in the broader group, fear of not having anyone else like.
That's a big factor.
Social belonging is a really important human need and we have been wired to protect it at all costs.
But maybe the most significant reason we're drawn back into this time and time again is what that study said earlier.
The hope, the up and down relationships.
Toxic friendships are never 100 bad.
There are flashes of joy and kindness and nostalgia.
Every single person has redeeming qualities.
Psychologists have a name for this.
It's called intermittent reinforcement.
When good and bad are mixed, kind of unpredictably, the bond becomes even harder to break because you keep chasing the next good moment and you hope that it will be enough to outweigh the bad.
We see this play out in gambling, in addiction, toxic romance relationships, the push, the pull, the cycle of chasing the highs.
It's not weakness that keeps us stuck, but actually a very human desire to preserve the connection.
And this kind of cycle makes it really hard to walk away, because how do you know when someone's had too many chances?
It's a very agonizing question.
The truth is, I'm not going to be able to give you an answer.
There isn't a universal number.
Instead, the better question to ask is what have they already done with the chances you have given them?
Because the fact that you're considering the question means it's not a one-off event.
It's likely become a pattern.
So when you bring up your feelings, do they listen or do they dismiss you?
Do they take responsibility or do they shift blame?
Do they make changes or do they repeat it again and again?
And if this was a romantic partner, would you tolerate this pattern?
Healthy relationships aren't perfect.
They're not defined by the absence of conflict, but the ability to repair this conflict.
This is known in psychology as rupture and repair theory.
A lot of really long-lasting relationships have really hard moments.
The fact that you band together and fix it and repair it shows love and commitment.
If someone shows willingness to repair after a rupture through apologies, change behavior consistency yeah, they may deserve another chance.
But if every chance is met with empty apologies excuses, or if they just go straight back to what they have done before, the question may become not how many chances should I give them, but why am I still offering them?
If you find yourself at this point, it's very difficult.
Friendships aren't built on contracts or ceremonies like marriages or jobs.
They can fade in and out and they can evolve silently.
And that can make knowing when to walk away very confusing.
So I'm going to outline some steps that you can take to address a toxic friendship, starting with this first one.
If you feel physically and emotionally safe, clarity is always the first step.
It's very easy to fantasize about just disappearing, but sometimes what feels like toxicity can actually stem just from a lack of awareness.
They just don't know how you're feeling.
And trust me, ghosting isn't a good solution.
I've done that to a friend I really didn't think I could repair things with. for a lot of reasons.
And despite that, I really regret it.
I regret it actually a lot.
At the time, it felt right.
But I wish that we'd had a chance to maybe just maybe been able to hash things out.
Of course, when we approach someone with accusations like you're always so negative or you're such a bad friend, they're going to get defensive.
They're going to turn it back on you.
But when we frame our concerns around our own feelings, we leave the door open for, again, repair.
That might sound like, you know, when you cancel last minute, I feel unimportant.
I know you don't mean it that way, but this makes me feel like I don't matter.
The focus is on the impact it had on you, not their character.
And this shifts the conversation from blame to possibility.
Sometimes people just don't realize how their behavior lands.
They just don't know.
They're used to interacting with people in a different way.
And in those cases, like a simple conversation can actually change the entire dynamic.
Let me tell you this when you are overwhelmed angry frustrated, lashing out is the easiest thing you can do.
But oh my gosh, in the long term, it feels a lot better to handle things maturely.
And I'm telling you, like when you get to a moment where you realize hey, like I handled this so much better than I would have before.
Like, I'm so proud of talking with them about this.
You feel great about yourself.
Like, You kind of even want to talk to them about it and be like, hey, we handled that so well.
Like, look at us growing as people.
It's a good moment.
Really start there.
I implore you to start at that point of clarity.
If the behavior doesn't change, that's when boundaries come in.
Here's something worth emphasizing.
Boundaries are not meant to be punishments.
They are actually instructions for how you want to be treated.
There is a famous quote that I love that says boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and still love myself simultaneously.
I think that's profound.
They're not walls to like shut people out.
They're actually guidelines that allow you to stay connected if the other person is willing to respect them.
A boundary is I can't keep talking to you if you make me feel judged afterwards.
Or when you make those jokes in front of other people, I need to step back.
The boundaries need to be specific.
There needs to be cause and effect.
You did this.
I'm responding this way.
They cannot be like vague demands to like, you know, try harder with me or be nicer.
They need to be specific.
I need you to make plans with me.
I need you to honor our commitments.
I need you to speak positively about me around other people.
If the person in question then decides to disregard these boundaries, it is really important to act.
It's the hardest part and it doesn't mean like a dramatic ultimatum or a fight.
It can simply mean reducing how much time you spend together, or choosing not to share vulnerable information, or letting the friendship kind of just move to the background a little bit.
A boundary is a contract.
If you say a boundary is a non-negotiable, but then allowed it to be crossed without consequences, you know it doesn't really work.
It just kind of becomes like a suggestion.
So you need to be ready to teach people sometimes how to treat you, which everyone new.
But again, sometimes people just are used to different things.
They have a different way of seeing things.
They have a different culture.
They have a different personality.
So make sure that you have a clear boundary that may actually help them treat you better.
I would also advise that you lean on other friends for their perspective.
Specifically ones that you trust.
We've talked about how friends can be mirrors to ourselves.
Toxic friends can warp that mirror, make it feel like we're being unreasonable or selfish.
Talking it through with supportive people gives you that reality check.
It allows you to practice possible responses in advance as well.
Toxic dynamics often come with gaslighting or deflection.
So rehearsing how you'll stay calm can really help.
For example, if you know they're going to say like you're overreacting practice saying to a friend I hear you, but this is still important to me.
And I think maybe most importantly to note give yourself permission to step away if you don't want to be there anymore.
Friendships are valuable.
Not all of them are worth preparing.
Sometimes the healthiest thing is simply just to let nature take its course.
Just let the person fade out.
That might not always be possible.
Something I always get asked is like I have this terrible person that I'm friends with, but we are in a friendship group.
We have all these friends, all these connections.
It's going to get messy.
What do I do?
I think in those moments, the goal shifts from ending the friendship to managing the dynamic.
I'm going to be honest.
It's going to be awkward.
It's going to be a little bit uncomfortable at times, purely because the dynamic has changed.
But I promise you, you can handle discomfort.
It's okay.
But it is really important to avoid trying to recruit the whole group and ask them to take sides.
This is like a very natural instinct.
Do not force people to see your perspective.
They will naturally form their own opinions.
Your job isn't to convince them.
Don't avoid the situation either.
Avoidance can often isolate you more than the toxic person ever did, and it can be part of their toolkit.
Instead, go on with a game plan.
You will stay polite.
You will keep things neutral.
You will focus your energy on the friends who support you, Because if they are still good friends, they can actually be friends with two people at once.
I know this is really hard sometimes because you're like how do you not see what they've done to me and how awful they were to me?
Just trust me, they're going to figure it out.
They will figure it out.
I, one of my best friends, had this falling out with a mutual friend of ours.
And I stayed friends with this other person for a little while because it was kind of uncomfortable for me to walk away.
It wasn't my fight.
Oh, she didn't say anything.
She was great to me about it.
She was like, you stay friends with them.
And I figured out exactly after a while what had caused their friendship breakup.
You know soon enough.
It always happens.
This is advice I gave to my friend, like literally the other day, who was dealing with like a big group dynamic where one person obviously doesn't like her but hasn't said anything directly.
Approach those interactions like nothing is wrong.
If they haven't confronted you, even though you know they're talking about it behind your back, it's still none of your business.
I need you to use every fiber in your body to be kind, to be normal.
To you, there is no problem.
If they want to bring a problem to you, great, but that's their business.
You are showing the group, you are showing yourself that you are bigger than the drama.
That is the most powerful way that you can manage the situation.
Now let's talk about the friendship breakup.
I feel like we've kind of been snaking our way to this moment where the explosion happens.
We know that friendship breakups do not get the same attention as romantic breakups, and yet we know they can be just as hard.
It's important that you allow yourself to be sad about this.
You're allowed to grieve this person and what the future you really thought you had with them.
It's so romantic because friendship is romantic at times.
You do imagine a future.
But I think it's really refreshing just to see what space that opens up for you.
Toxic friendships take up a lot of energy.
They take up a lot of time and space in our mind.
So when they fade, that space is suddenly yours again.
Use it.
Text that old friend that you've lost touch with.
Join a book club.
Join a running group.
Do a trivia night.
Do a pottery class. dive back into your hobbies and the things that make you feel like you again.
Honestly, it's like a breakup.
After a breakup, you've got to kind of curate your social life all over again.
And that means you get to choose what feels good, what energizes you, what you want more of.
Losing a friendship knocks your confidence so hard.
It's so conflicting.
You know it's for the best.
You feel like a bad person implicitly.
Sometimes you have regrets.
So just investing all of that energy back into yourself can really help.
It's also so empowering to celebrate the upgrade and I don't want to come across as cold or dismissive or insensitive, but they're kind of losing the better person here.
They're losing you.
You know they're losing the person that gave them a bunch of chances, that talked them through their behavior, that celebrated them, that loved them.
For whatever reason, the friendship didn't work out.
You guys didn't gel.
So that doesn't mean that you didn't try your hardest and that you're not still a catch.
You're not losing in this situation.
You cannot be friends with every single person you've ever met for the rest of your life.
That is actually a gain.
It's a gain when you realize that someone can't keep up with your emotional bandwidth, can't keep up with you, doesn't care about you the way you care about them.
As someone who had so many experiences when they were a teenager, when they were younger, when they were in university, where they would try very, very hard.
I would always try so hard to be the friend that everyone wanted to be friends with and I would put so much into my friendships and I would love them so much and do the exciting things for their birthdays and shout dinners and be at their runs and celebrate them.
Some people just don't appreciate that.
And the thing is, is that I waited a long time and now I have the people that do.
So I can tell you that they're out there.
I was talking to like a family member of mine who's a lot younger than me.
Who's like going through a really hard time at school.
And I just was like, I totally get where you're coming from.
I spent like the first two decades of my life without any real friends.
With like one real friend.
And then suddenly like I entered my mid-20s.
And everyone like came out of the woodwork.
Everyone was like, I suddenly just met these amazing people.
And the same way, I didn't settle in a romantic relationship, I didn't settle when it came to my friendships either.
And now I just feel like I have been rewarded for my suffering and for my times when I didn't get what I wanted in terms of friendship.
And I truly believe that that happens for people and that holding out for good friends is just again like holding out for good relationships.
So I'm wishing you the best of luck.
I hope this episode has brought you some clarity when it comes to these relationships.
I hope it has given you a sense that stepping away is It's not necessarily a bad thing.
It's not and does not make you a bad person.
And that, yeah, these people exist and they suck.
And it's okay to not want to be friends with them anymore.
So I hope this episode helped.
I hope you learned something from it.
I want to thank our wonderful, wonderful researcher, Libby Colbert, for her contributions to this episode.
If you have made it this far...
I want you to leave a little comment down below, showing some love for a non-toxic friend in your life.
Let's show people that they still exist.
I want to shout out my friend Erin.
Erin is like the other member of this podcast.
I feel like if you've been around for a while, you will have heard her name quite a few times.
She's been on the podcast like twice.
I had such a great weekend with Erin last weekend when I went and surprised her.
So I just want to give a shout out to her.
You know, we didn't become friends till I was like 22.
And I've never felt so much love from another person.
Who I was not like either a family member of or dating.
So those friends do exist and I want to give her a shout out.
And hopefully you can give a shout out to someone like that in the comments below if you feel called to do so.
Make sure that you are following along or subscribed wherever you are listening.
Whether that is on YouTube, Apple, Spotify, the iHeartRadio app.
Make sure to leave a five star review if you feel called to do so, and follow us on Instagram at That Psychology Podcast.
Someone was asking me the other day why it's not the psychology of your 20s.
I'm fairly sure either that name was taken or it was just too long.
So there you go.
There's your answer.
That Psychology Podcast it is.
But until next time stay safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself in the face of maybe a toxic friendship.
I believe in you and we will talk very, very soon.
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Hey, it's Bobby from The Bobby Bones Show.
I had an incredible time at this year's iHeartRadio Music Festival and even got the chance to hang out with Diplo and Bailey Zimmerman while I was there.
How did Ashes come together, Diplo?
I pulled up real quick.
You're about to leave on tour.
You're about to jump in your tour bus and we had like three hours.
It was really cool.
He really just like randomly showed up to my house.
I'm like, oh, hey, Diplo, what are you doing?
He's like, I have a song that I want to show you.
And I was like, okay.
You can listen to the full episode out now wherever you get your podcasts.
And big shout out to my friends at Hyundai for making this possible.
Had a blast cruising around the festival weekend in the all-new Palisade Hybrid.
This is an iHeart Podcast.
