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By now you know, the more knowledge we have about ourselves and the way our bodies work, the more empowered and in control we are.
And this is also true when it comes to our sexual health and what to do after unprotected sex.
That's where Plan B comes in.
It's emergency contraception with no age requirement that helps prevent pregnancy before it starts.
And because it works by only temporarily delaying ovulation, it won't impact your ability to get pregnant in the future.
We love a backup plan that puts us in control because the more we know, the more power we have.
Learn more at planb1step.com, users directed.
So you can't get the trip out of the group chat.
We've all been there.
But did you know there's actually a pretty easy solution?
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Hello everybody, and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology.
Hello everybody, welcome back to the show, welcome back to the podcast.
New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here back for another episode as we, of course, break down the psychology of our 20s.
Today, we're going to talk about external validation.
We're going to talk about external validation and why it is that we seem to spend so much of our short precious, miraculous lives looking for approval.
It's this thought that seems to like stalk us in the back of even our most confident moments.
You know, but do they like me?
Am I enough?
Like, what are they secretly thinking about me?
Have I proved myself yet?
And I can't be the only one who has kind of realized how much these thoughts just like take from being able to just exist in my own timeline, in my own body, in the moment, in the things that I enjoy.
It's like every single time I do something, there is always this thought that has to be devoted to someone else, which is honestly pretty exhausting.
In our 20s, I think we are particularly susceptible to the hunger and the need for external validation.
It is a decade of first jobs, first out of relationships, first time living independently.
And because everything feels uncertain.
Sometimes it feels like we just keep looking to our left, keep looking to others, looking over our shoulder, looking for someone to like give us a sign or give us some sense of guidance that we are getting it right, that we ourselves are right.
And don't get me wrong, you know, validation feels good.
There's like a rush, a warmth, like a sense of being seen.
But it's how much we rely on that feeling that actually makes a difference.
When we rely on others to tell us we're worthy, we basically hand over the keys to our self-esteem and say, like do whatever you want with this.
You know, every compliment or moment of praise can be kind of make or break.
And every critique is like a threat to a much deeper part of who we are.
And that is what we're going to talk about today.
It can be addictive, but external validation is remarkably fragile, as many people who have had it and lost it will tell you.
And it can leave us feeling deeply hollow, if and when, because it is a situation of when it disappears.
So in this episode we're going to break down why it actually feels so good, why some part of us really needs it, but then also how we can shift back towards internal validation.
What are the hidden costs of relying on this a little bit too much?
How does people's experience with fame tell us about external validation and social approval?
And what does it do to our internal compass?
What does it do to our values?
What does it do to our authentic nature when other people's voices are always allowed to speak over our own?
I'm super excited for this episode.
Thank you for tuning in.
Without further ado, let's get into this. why we crave external validation as much as we do.
So you've probably heard about external and internal validation as like two sides of the same coin, two distinct ways we build our sense of self-worth.
Whilst both feel really good and are completely necessary as well.
We're not trying to like, villainize external validation or make it seem unimportant.
They do come from very different sources and they have vastly different impacts on our long-term well-being.
So what is the difference?
It's in the name.
External validation is any kind of affirmation that comes from the outside, specifically that comes from others.
It operates on a bit of a social feedback loop whereby, when someone likes a photo of yours, or you experience public praise or someone saying good job or someone allowing you into the in-group, That kind of signals that others not only see us, they approve of us, which therefore makes us feel good and makes us feel like we are doing something right.
Think of it kind of like a signal from the outside world confirming your value and therefore your broader acceptance.
That obviously gives us a little bit of a glow.
However, the problem is that the source of our worth, when it is completely external, it also means it's completely outside of our control.
Even though we can like dictate our actions to try and gain more validation, there's actually no determining whether we will actually receive it from our desired target.
Therefore, it is what we called a borrowed or inconstant sense of value that, by its very nature, can be given or taken away by others at any time and, more specifically, for any reason, fair or unfair.
Internal validation, however, is different.
It comes from within.
Its source is from ourselves.
It's your ability to recognize your own worth, your own effort integrity, your own beauty and specialness and intelligence, regardless of whether others react the way that you want them to.
This type of validation is not about an outcome.
It's not specifically about praise.
It's not specifically about social approval.
It's about self-approval and self-assessment.
For example, instead of waiting for someone to read an article you wrote, or look at something you're really proud of and acknowledge that for you, you are able to acknowledge your hard work independently.
You are able to kind of put on your objective lenses and say hey, that actually took a lot of time for me.
That actually is and does show real talent for me.
I'm allowed to be proud of that.
Even if my contributions and my effort goes unnoticed by other people.
I think sometimes we have like a natural instinct against this, because as much as we want social approval, we also don't want to come off as arrogant.
And for a lot of cultures, individualistic or collective, like humility is something that we prize and praise beyond anything else.
Having internal validation doesn't mean that you are like an egomaniac.
It just means that you actually are able to be honest about your own skills, about your own effort, about your own internal worth.
Like humility is sometimes just as dishonest. as arrogance.
So internal validation and a sense of strong internal self-worth, I think when done right, is like one of the most honest ways we can show up in society and the most honest ways we can approach ourselves.
The difference really comes down to this.
External validation really asks, do they think I'm okay?
And internal validation asks, do I think I'm okay?
Think about someone that's just been on a first date.
Someone reliant on external validation may start thinking you know, I really wonder what they thought of me.
I really wonder if they liked my outfit.
I really wonder, like if they really meant that compliment, if they want to see me again.
If I came off as you know, I came across as good, or how I want to be seen.
All of these are important data points, but it also at no point asks you how you value that experience.
Having a strong sense of internal validation is walking away from a first date or any situation and thinking you know I was super honest.
I showed up as myself.
I had fun.
Whether or not they text me back, their response to this authentic version of me doesn't change that experience.
And importantly, again, both can coexist.
One doesn't cancel the other out.
But whilst both types of validation can coexist, they are not equal.
One of them is far sturdier than the other.
Internal validation is far more reliable.
Self-determination theory, which is a really well-established framework in psychology, really shows that this is the case.
And it suggests that a focus on intrinsic sources of affirmation, like personal growth, like mastery of skills, like acting in alignment with our values, is directly linked, and obviously linked, to greater psychological resilience, greater psychological well-being, to being a happier and more well-rounded person.
People who are driven by these internal motivators are also more likely to be authentic, because if you are constantly looking for social approval, you can see how that completely and will always bring us back to a very homogenous and strict norm.
People who are able to really be guided by what they like about themselves and what they like about their actions are actually also more different and interesting.
They also have a stronger resilience to setbacks.
They have less anxiety.
They have less stress.
This is because they aren't constantly chasing an external prize.
They're not constantly chasing gratification.
So their focus something that is so precious and And so prized is more finely tuned and comes back to the person who really should be the owner of that focus and should be at the center of that self-focus, which is ourselves.
So if internal validation is so powerful, why is it not the natural default?
Well, because external validation is more immediate, it's more addictive and it is reinforced by both our biology and our culture as well.
From the time and I feel like we talk about this in every single episode.
We take it back to childhood, but it's because, like it really is Pandora's box for so many of these things.
But from the time we are like little tiny humans, most of us are conditioned to tie our worth to other people's approval.
We learn that good behavior or certain behaviors earn praise.
Bad behaviors bring punishment.
We internalize the idea that our worth is really dictated by people's reactions to our actions.
In other words, I am what others say I am.
I am dictated by how others respond to me.
This is where the concept of the looking glass self comes in.
It was presented by this sociologist called Charles Horton Cooley and he basically argued and I agree with him that our social interactions act as a mirror to reflect back how we should view ourselves.
We really do develop our sense of self, not in a bubble, but by imagining how others see us.
By interpreting their reactions and then building our identity around that reflection.
If people laugh at your jokes, you start to believe you're the funny one.
If they criticize your looks or make sly digs, you start to believe you're unattractive or that you need to change something about yourself.
If people tell you you're creative enough, you will begin to see that...
You are a creative person and begin to internalize that and believe that.
We start to view ourselves in the way we think others view us.
And that's the key thing.
This is to just add another layer to this mirror.
This is only our perception of what they think they are perceiving.
We can never actually know.
We can try and know, and we can gather information from their praise and their compliments and their approval but, at the end of the day, like they don't know who we are, they don't know our internal motivations for doing things, and we can't really know why they like something about us, why they think that that's good, and whether that's a path we want to continue to follow.
Laid onto this though, is the need to belong.
This is a theory.
It's a trick called the need to belong theory.
And it basically argues that human beings you've probably heard this explanation before they are hardwired to seek acceptance and approval because for most of our history to put it bluntly you know exclusion meant death.
And that wiring is still in our brains today.
It's in an area called the ventral striatum.
A study from UC, USC, I think, University of California or USC.
I think it was USC.
They found that forming social ties, which are again essential, relies specifically on two brain functions.
Learning from positive outcomes or learning from social rewards, and tracking how much others value us through their responses, which is known as relational value.
Both of these systems for literally building relationships and bonds with other humans are could not operate without us being able to interpret and internalize external validation.
And this makes the need to belong a powerful, albeit often unconscious, force in shaping our behaviors, shaping our self-esteem, shaping our reliance, once again, on praise, on external validation.
It's all coming back to it, right?
This ventral striatum that we talked about.
It also helps trigger dopamine receptors and pleasure centers in our brain when we do receive social approval.
This is a very like biological, reductionist way of seeing human behavior, but it essentially says that the only reason we do anything is if we are rewarded for it.
And the things that are rewarded the most are the things that we continue to pursue or do more of.
Whether that is a drug, whether that is a type of food, whether that is a type of reaction that we get from another human.
This dopamine surge creates positive feelings.
It reinforces that behavior, leading again to more validation-seeking behaviors.
Because the more we receive it, the more we crave it.
A 2016 study published in...
The Journal of Psychological Sciences, really interesting, it looked at this exact mechanism.
Basically, researchers involved a sample of 32 teenagers aged between 13 and 18, and they used an fMRI scanner to look at the teenager's brain activity whilst they looked at photographs on a computer screen.
And they designed these photos to basically be presented, to kind of simulate Instagram and to make it feel like a social media feed, and they also included photos of the teens themselves and also of others.
So when the participants saw their own photos with a high number of likes, they were told that other people in the study had really liked those photos of them.
The brain regions involved in that reward circuit showed crazy spikes in activity.
Interestingly too, participants were also more likely to like a photo of themselves if they saw that it had already received likes from others.
So The approval others were giving them directly.
This is the link to the approval and the sense of self-worth they were giving onto themselves.
This combination of reward and imitation kind of suggests that the brain is not only being told this is a good thing to like, but also this is a good thing to do.
The brain associates the specific content, the photo, the pose, the setting, with the positive feeling of social approval.
Therefore, a person would be more likely to want to recreate that experience of getting that reward by taking a similar photo of themselves, and would also equally learn from the moments where a specific photo or a specific behavior was invalidated, as a sign that it isn't accepted and, having not been accompanied by a dopamine spike, perhaps by a dopamine drop, they won't perform that behavior anymore.
So if we consider all these things together the childhood conditioning, the evolutionary biology, the modern technology It really makes sense why we fall into this trap of chasing external validation.
It's quick.
It's powerful.
It feels remarkably good until it doesn't.
And this is where we need to explore the potential harms of being reliant on external validation, and so so much more.
And we're going to do so after this short break.
Hello, my lovely listeners.
By now you know, the more knowledge we have about ourselves and the way our bodies work, the more empowered and in control we are.
And this is also true when it comes to our sexual health and what to do after unprotected sex.
That's where Plan B comes in.
It's emergency contraception with no age requirement that helps prevent pregnancy before it starts.
And because it works by only temporarily delaying ovulation, it won't impact your ability to get pregnant in the future.
We love a backup plan that puts us in control because the more we know, the more power we have.
Learn more at planb1step.com, users directed.
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Malcolm Gladwell here.
I recently recorded the first episode of Smart Talks with IBM, where I learned how AI agents are joining AI assistants as a major productivity tool.
Let's start with AI agents.
AI agents can reason, plan and collaborate with other AI tools to autonomously perform tasks for a user.
Brian Bissell, an expert from IBM, gave me an example of how a college freshman might use an AI agent.
As a new student, you may not know, how do I deal with my health and wellness issue?
How many credits am I going to get for this given class?
You could talk to someone and find out some of that, but maybe it's a little bit sensitive and you don't want to do that.
Bissell told me you could build an AI agent, a resource for new students that helps them navigate a new campus, register for classes, access the services they need and even schedule appointments on their behalf, which in turn, buys them more time to focus on their actual schoolwork.
We can see patterns of how agents and assistants can help employees and customers and end users be more productive, automate workflows so they're not doing certain types of repetitive work over and over again, and streamlining their lives and making data more accessible to them 24 hours a day.
To learn more about IBM's AI agents and how they can help your business, visit ibm.com slash agents.
You know what I always end up thinking about when I talk about external validation?
I always end up thinking about like the modern day fame cycle.
You know, I think about how we treat celebrities and musicians and like what it must feel like when they're the it thing, when they're like really scratching, like the perfect creative itch that like society wants them to, when they're like behaving exactly how we want them to, how much praise and like external validation is like pumped into their veins.
And then at some point i think this happens with every single celebrity, especially female celebrities at some point the tide turns and they're like not the hot thing anymore, They're not new anymore.
I think about Disney stars like Miley Cyrus, like Demi Lovato, like Lindsay Lohan, and how their entire identity as children and teenagers would have been built on people telling them what to do and them doing it and being told good job.
And then like overnight that goes away for them and they're like suddenly hated.
And I've been watching a lot of interviews that people have done with these people and they talk about like how cold and dark and scary those moments feel for them.
Because they talk about how they were basically monkeys like, trained to only respond to external validation, whose like own internal compass was like sludge hammered to death.
And so when the external validation disappeared, they literally didn't know who they were anymore.
And obviously this is like a very very, very slim part of society and maybe not entirely relatable.
But on an individual level, like it kind of is.
So many of us, especially if you are like a golden child or like a highly academic child or a child athlete or like the oldest sibling, it's the same process.
It's literally the same system.
You're just not like sponsored by the Disney Channel.
It felt so good to be praised and used as an example.
But The tap does run dry eventually.
Eventually you make a mistake.
Eventually you don't win.
Eventually you want to rebel a little bit or you get tired.
And if your entire belief system is built on the value other people saw in you and your behavior, there is a long, long drop coming afterwards.
That's the exact trap we're talking about.
External validation feels incredible in the moment.
It convinces you to trust in it.
But the more you do, the more fragile your sense of self becomes.
If you only live for the nod of approval, if you only live for other people telling you you did a good job, you are a good human, you're a nice person, you're an attractive person.
Pretty soon, your identity becomes a performance and you morph into the kind of person, a kind of person who was like a human chameleon, constantly scanning the environment and thinking who do I need to be today so that they will like me?
And the cost of this is really, really high.
You lose touch with your authentic sense of self, with your desires.
You start making choices not because they feel right but because they will appear right.
You might pursue a career that everyone else calls impressive.
Doctor, lawyer, executive, whatever it is.
And then you just feel numb.
You just feel awful.
You have no desire to be there.
You might stay in a relationship that looks picture perfect.
To your parents, to your friends, to whoever it is, because everyone else admires it.
Everyone else is saying that this looks great.
It must be great.
Even if behind closed doors you know you're really lonely and you're really restless and you're really unhappy.
The thought of ending it, you know.
It's not just that you'd be going through a breakup.
It's not just that you would be leaving a career.
It feels like this like huge personal failure of yours would be on display.
And this is why external validation is a driver of people pleasing tendencies.
Over time, your own wants, your own desires, they become muffled.
You cannot hear them clearly anymore, because the desire to be liked or validated has been fed and fed and fed and has become this big, giant monster.
And the irony is, you become so adaptable that you actually start to disappear, because there is nothing that remains constant about you.
You change your opinions depending on who you're with.
You laugh at jokes you don't actually find funny.
You become so flexible to the point of erasure.
There is also this very famous series of studies that show how this can cause us to not trust ourselves, and show us how it can cause us to just like, do really silly things.
It's probably one of the most famous series of psychological studies ever done.
It's called the Ash Conformity Experiments.
In these experiments if you're a psychology student.
I'm so sorry.
We're going back to Psych 101, but I'll be brief and I'll describe them.
In these experiments, the researchers put one participant in a room with a group of people who they also thought were participants.
And the one participant didn't know that these other people were in on it.
I think the room had like seven or maybe ten people.
And they were asked to do this task.
It was super simple.
On the screen, they were shown one line and then they were shown three other lines.
And they were basically like link up the one line to the other line that it matches.
Like genuinely a task that a child could have done.
And then what they would have happen is all the fake participants would say the wrong answer.
Like it was glaringly incorrect.
75 of the time, the participants would just go along with it because they didn't want to experience disapproval.
There's another risk here.
Obviously, it can cause you to say the wrong thing.
It can cause you to just do things that you know aren't right and not really understand those reasons.
A more insidious risk is that people who rely heavily on external validation become very easy targets for manipulation.
You know, a boss that sees that you light up when they offer you praise can withhold it strategically.
Suddenly you're working like 70 hours a week, not because you want to, but because you're desperate for that tiny hit of recognition.
You know, the partner who withholds affection unless you do what they want is.
You know, they realize that your self-worth depends on their attention.
And so they can ration it to keep you insecure, giving you love one day, pulling away the next until you're hooked.
You're hooked on chasing their approval instead of really questioning like hey, what do I actually deserve here?
The sibling.
Like to give one more example.
Like the sibling who showers you with approval when you serve their needs and withdraws at the next again.
Yeah, is operating, based on the functions and the levers of external validation and how it can be pulled and shifted and moved to dictate our behavior.
That is the hidden danger of maybe accidentally building your entire worth on what other people think.
It doesn't just cost you your own voice, it puts power in someone else's hands.
This is actually a state that has a name.
It's known as contingent self-esteem, and this occurs where your self-worth is entirely dependent on external outcomes.
Research has consistently shown that those who have higher levels of contingent self-esteem are significantly more likely to experience greater depressive symptoms.
They are also more likely to report a less coherent sense of self, less confidence in their abilities as well.
And this totally makes sense.
Like, yes, we are built to operate within social systems and around community.
And approval as part of those systems is something that we want.
But you are also an individual with unique thoughts and feelings and desires and intentions.
And that has to be honored as well.
Otherwise, you will feel completely detached.
And ironically, the more you do, the less people actually know you and maybe like you.
They know like the agreeable version and the adaptable version and the one who never rocks the boat.
But that's not actually you.
They don't know the parts of you that maybe you feel are too vulnerable to share because it might upset them.
Also, you know, intimacy requires friction.
Sometimes it requires disagreeing with people.
It requires upsetting them, you know, because that's just human nature.
Sometimes you're not always going to get along.
People do things that may hurt you, but if you're afraid of calling them out or afraid of putting them on the spot, you're never actually going to a be able to resolve anything or b get to know someone deeper.
And Some people don't agree with me when I say this, but I found this to be true from my own experience.
You don't really know a friend and you don't really have the promise of a long lasting friendship until you have survived your first disagreement or your first argument.
Because it shows you can meet each other on a deeper level.
You know that you want to understand the other person better.
And it shows that like you're willing to just be like, this is my opinion.
This is my perspective.
This is who I am.
And I need you to respect that.
But if you're constantly running away from that vulnerability or you're constantly running away from uncomfortable moments because it might mean that someone may like you less, it actually does mean that your opportunities for intimacy, platonic, to do with family, romantic, they become more limited, right?
This brings me to a concept I talk about a lot which I love called validation debt.
We can think about it like this.
When you finance your sense of worth through other people, you're essentially taking out loans and at first the interest seems super manageable.
You know a compliment here like a bit of encouragement a bit of engagement there it sustains you.
And you can kind of also rely on yourself a little bit as well.
But over time, the debt piles up.
You need bigger and bigger payments, more praise, more reassurance just to feel stable.
And when those payments don't come, you go into a deficit.
That's validation debt.
The more you outsource, the more you borrow, the less capable you feel of doing it yourself.
And here's the thing about debt.
Debt is stressful.
Emotional debt, validation debt is stressful.
And so, as you're facing that stress, you do actually chase reassurance even harder which ironically, actually makes you feel even less capable of holding yourself up.
So how do we get our authority back?
How do we get our internal validation back?
Especially if it does feel like you've outsourced it for years and I get it.
I have done that for a while myself.
It's not your fault.
It's not that I'm sitting here and judging you for it.
I just want to help you kind of unlock the magic and unlock the ordinary things that you do and you can do to bring yourself back to having a stable internal sense of self-worth.
I think the first step is really noticing the moments when you do tend to outsource your worth.
Maybe you change your caption like a million times before posting a photo.
Maybe you rehearse your opinion in your head a million times before saying it out loud, just to make sure it won't be wrong.
Catching yourself in these small moments of self-monitoring can be uncomfortable, but awareness in those moments is also everything.
Without it you really can't shift the pattern.
If you only feel confident and satisfied with how you look when your friends compliment your outfit or your makeup, then it's likely that this is an area of deeper insecurity for you.
And you can use these moments as kind of target practice, as opportunities to really understand where you need to pour more deeply into yourself.
Another piece of this is really reconnecting with your values and reconnecting with the fact that you are an incredibly unique and worthwhile person, whether someone else sees that or not.
While you're busy trying to earn the validation of others, what you may not realize is that you have everything you need within you to validate your own experiences, and And that there are going to be a lot of times people won't understand why you're doing something, or won't understand you or won't like you for whatever freaking reason and for whatever projection they've got going on, and you're still going to be okay.
Spend some time just with relearning what you really care about and, more importantly, what kind of person you want to be.
Really ask yourself this, really try this exercise for me.
Imagine what kind of old person you want to be.
Not the next person you want to be in five years, not the person you want to be in 20.
In like 40 years, like what kind of person do you want people to say that you were?
What kind of person do you want to operate as?
What kind of person do you see in your life who you think, wow, they are really amazing?
And they're unshakable.
How could you make yourself more like that?
And how you make yourself more like.
That is by prioritizing what you value as a daily act, whether it is kindness, whether it is creativity honesty, independence.
When was the last time you did anything that was in line with these things, your identity and your internal sense of self-worth?
And yeah, your identity is a verb.
Like you have to actually act on the things that you want to be.
You have to act on your creative instinct instead of just continuing to tell yourself that you're creative.
You have to act on your generosity.
You have to act on your independence.
You have to act on the parts of you that you want to remain stable, so that you aren't just relying on the kind of less nourishing forms of external validation people might incidentally, give you.
It might feel really weird at first, but you'll be really surprised about how much stuff you actually do for some kind of gratification from others and how little we actually do for ourselves.
So when you stop engaging with those things and you start really tapping into the things that you really want to do, you do start to live more authentically and a lot of stuff follows in and flows in from that.
It's like you open up the doors to just feel a deep sense of confidence and love for yourself.
The next step, speaking of self-love, is to practice self-recognition.
This can sound a little bit corny, but it's powerful.
Every time you do something that you're proud of, whether it is completing a project at work, setting a healthy boundary, committing to a goal, taking a pause and like resisting the urge to just do something.
Making something creative, doing something creative.
Instead of just being like cool, I'm going to tell someone about that or I'm just going to move on from that.
Really notice how you feel in yourself.
Bask in that feeling for a little while, that feeling of pride.
It's okay to feel proud of what you have done.
It's not arrogant.
Reflect on it, cherish it, bury it deep inside of you.
Like, even if it's just for a minute, reinforce this idea through this act that your own self-evaluation matters and that you are able to pour into yourself and acknowledge yourself as much as anyone else is able to.
Part of this is also about tolerating discomfort.
When you start to rely less on external validation, there will be moments that feel completely unbearable.
I'm not going to like sugarcoat it.
There will be moments where people will respond negatively to the fact that you don't need them to validate you anymore.
And it's going to feel really awful.
There will be moments when you want someone to reassure you and they won't.
And that gap can feel like rejection.
But if you can just sit in it, breathe through it And just notice that you are OK after it has happened.
Notice how you survive those moments.
Notice how, yes, someone not liking you is uncomfortable.
It doesn't mean the end of the world.
You are strengthening once again that internal muscle.
And of course.
There will always be those moments, no matter how hard you try, where someone will not like you, where someone will disagree with you.
I always say this, like every single person has a hater.
Even the most brilliant, magnificent person that you know, who you think, no one could hate, no one could disagree with.
They have a hater.
And how much time would they waste?
How much time would you waste if you just only could think about how you could change their mind?
And never thought about how you could change yours in terms of valuing their opinion.
So here are some reminders, some final reminders to carry with you in these situations.
First, remember that being liked is not the same as being loved.
I spent a lot of time in my early 20s desperately like changing myself, switching things up, hiding parts about myself so that people, and especially guys like would like me, would want to date me, would find that I was conveniently able to slot into their life.
Did they love me?
No.
Did they respect me?
Probably not either.
Being liked.
It often feels like you are like smoothing out a rough edge so that it doesn't, you know, clip someone on the way past.
It feels like you're adapting, fitting in.
It feels like you are doing other people a favor and it feels like you are winning love.
You're not.
Being loved.
Being truly loved means someone seeing those rough edges and staying anyways and liking those quirks.
It also means not asking for someone else to change just so that it's easier for you to fit them into your life.
Ask yourself, am I chasing likability at the expense of authenticity?
Second reminder every time you perform for approval, you lose a little bit of intimacy with yourself.
And you know what?
I'm not talking about like wearing makeup and I'm not talking about putting a little bit of extra effort into your appearance.
And I'm not talking about asking for a compliment from your boss.
What I'm talking about here is that emotional debt we mentioned earlier.
That emotional debt whereby you choose something that is less comfortable for you so that you can gain something from someone else.
By changing yourself, again, it's not love.
And it's also like I always imagine, like my inner child sitting there and like loving my outfit, loving what I'm wearing and me being like no wrong choice.
We're going to do what Todd wants me to wear.
We're going to choose an action.
We're going to make a decision based off, like some anonymous, inanimate choice, cumulative force, of other people's opinions.
Your opinion doesn't matter as much to me.
When you override your real thoughts and feelings just to fit in, you are telling yourself that your opinion and your truth isn't valid unless someone else approves of it, and we know how dangerous of a message that is to internalize, because you end up being someone who can be easily swayed easily, easily manipulated and easily cruel and mean to yourself.
Third, and this is similar to what I was talking about before, but I just want to give it its own space in this episode.
You actually can't control other people's opinions.
Even if you think that you dictating your actions and dictating your behaviors is, you can twist yourself into knots to appear perfect, and someone still won't like you.
You can be perfect for one person and And someone else will hate you for it.
Not because you did anything wrong.
But because people carry their own preferences.
People carry their own projections, their own insecurities.
You know, you can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be someone who doesn't like peaches.
Right?
The relief is in realizing that that's okay.
And their opinion is like literally none of your business.
The same way that your opinion of them...
None of their business either.
As much as we want social approval, we can live without the social approval of people who we need to bend over backwards to obtain.
There are plenty of people in the world who will give you what you need without you needing to change.
And even if those people never show up, you always have yourself.
Lastly, a really simple mantra that you might want to keep close.
If any of today's conversation has resonated with you, is that I want to be chosen for who I am, not for the version of me that performs best for approval.
You, at the end of the day, have a very short time on this earth.
Sometimes reinforcing and reminding yourself of that existential perspective that you really don't have much time reminds you that if you don't have much time, you have even less time for the opinions of others.
You have even less less time for the opinions of others who want to tear you down, either consciously or unconsciously.
If this is all you have, this experience, your time and your energy is precious.
Please do not waste it on someone else.
They've got the time for themselves.
You've got the time for yourself.
Make sure that you are using it sparingly and in an important manner.
Again, we are social beings.
It's not that getting social approval or being loved or heard or seen or complimented is a bad thing.
These things are deeply nourishing.
It's just that these are the decorations.
These are the decorations like.
These are the decorations that come secondary.
You've got to build the foundation.
You've got to have a roof.
You've got to have walls.
You've got to have plumbing.
You've got to feel stable and tall in yourself before asking other people to decorate your internal home for you.
At the end of the day, the strongest and most consistent kind of validation is the one that is steadily within you.
Please do not forget it.
Please do not forget to cherish it.
Don't forget that, like you're a freaking badass, and that you're really freaking cool, and that you're an amazing, intelligent and kind person, and all of that would still be the case if every single person in your life was replaced with a whole other group of people tomorrow.
There is something within you that no one else can have, no one else can change, no one else is entitled to, and which will exist regardless of approval or not.
Make sure that your relationship with what makes you you remains strong in the face of all of that.
Thank you for listening as far as you have.
If you've made it to the end of the episode, I really, really appreciate it.
Leave some suggestions down below with what makes you confident and what makes you, I guess, able to fight off the desire for constant external validation.
For me, like that's music.
For me, that's like spending time with people that I love.
For me as well.
That's like every single morning waking up and just being like I just want to be and I want to experience this in the way and experience life in this day in the way that is most profound for me.
And I think it's really having that value set, that system of like OK, I know what I want and I know where I'm going and I know who I need to be.
Everything else is a distraction.
So what's your tip?
What is your advice?
Share it down below.
Make sure to leave a five star review if you are listening and if you enjoyed this episode.
And make sure you're subscribed on Apple Podcasts Spotify, the iHeartRadio app, wherever you are tuning in from.
You can also follow us on Instagram at That Psychology Podcast.
If you want a breakdown of this episode, if you want to give us an episode suggestion or a guest suggestion, if you want just to like talk further about your thoughts on this episode.
I'd love to hear from you.
And until next time, be safe, be kind, be gentle with yourself.
We will talk very, very soon.
Hello, my lovely listeners.
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