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Hello, everybody, and welcome back to the psychology of your twenties, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology.
Hello, everybody, welcome back.
Welcome back to the show.
Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners.
It's all about the listeners today.
Wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here back for another special, special episode as we break down the psychology of your twenties.
It is coming to the end of 2024, only a couple of weeks away from the start of a new year.
And with that in mind, I wanted one of the final episodes of the year to be something special, to be something a little bit different and to be something that included you all, the listeners, you who have tuned in every single episode, you guys who have supported me so much this year and who have been
in my corner as I announced my new book, as the show grew, as I traveled when we did meetups.
All of the best parts of this year really did include the community and included all of you who have just really been enjoying the show and been showing your love and support.
And I thought, why not thank you guys?
Why not thank you guys by making you one of the guests of our December guest segment by giving the listeners an opportunity to come on, to be the guest, to have their voices heard by other listeners and also to answer some of your 20 -something dilemmas.
I get so many messages and DMs every single day recounting some of the things that you guys are all going through, some of the really confusing trials and tribulations and barriers that you're facing and breakups that you're going through and friendships that are falling apart and careers that are uncertain,
so many questions. And just by the very nature of having a large community, which I'm very grateful for, it means that I can't always get back to every single one of you.
I can't give you the personal, individualized advice that I would love to be able to give.
But it doesn't mean that these requests and when you guys share these stories with me, it doesn't go unnoticed.
So today I thought, why not dedicate a whole episode to answering some of those dilemmas, to answering some of the questions that you guys have been asking me all year about your own lives and also getting to hear your voices on the show, of course.
So I asked you all to send in your biggest dilemmas that you are facing right now, the biggest problems that you're encountering, the places where you feel stuck, the places where you feel behind, to send in voice notes detailing exactly what it is you're going through and I'm going to answer them.
I'm going to give you all of my advice, the advice that I would give my best friends, the advice that I would give you if we were friends and meeting a person over coffee.
So I really, really hope that you enjoy this episode and I want to give a huge shout out to everyone who sent in a voice message first of all, there were just so many of them, so we did listen to them all and they were, all of you are so eloquent, first of all, so intelligent and all the dilemmas were things
that I was like, wow, we've all got a lot on our plate.
So thank you so much for sending them through.
I chose seven, seven of the dilemmas that I felt would resonate with you all the most, but also which resonated with me.
So I hope that you enjoy this episode and specifically hearing from people just like you, other listeners of the show.
Without further ado, I say we get into this special limited edition, special version of the podcast and listener episode of 2024.
Let's get into it. I'm just going to get right into it and play one of the very first voice notes that we received.
First off, I love you and your podcasts and everything that you do for the community.
Second, I've been dating this guy for about seven, eight months and sometimes I feel like I'm asking a lot from him emotionally and he does it, but it still gives me a lot of anxiety to ask.
How would you cope with that?
Thank you so much for your question.
And also, I'm so glad that you are loving the show that honestly makes me feel very, very happy.
I think this is a hard dilemma, right?
Communicating our emotions is always difficult because A, sometimes we feel like with the right person, we shouldn't have to be.
Sometimes we feel like we are over asking and say, you know, it's never easy being vulnerable, even with people that we really, really care about.
I think my interpretation of your dilemma is that you feel bad for having to ask and you feel like you're putting a lot on his plate, but also you feel like maybe you shouldn't have to.
I think that having to ask what you want from someone emotionally or having to maybe really highlight to them what you need from them when you need them, when you need them, when you need it from them, that's probably a better way of saying it.
I actually think that's a really, really healthy part of a relationship and it can feel exhausting to have to do it over and over again.
And I do think that it does get to a point where perhaps you need to be considering whether someone is actually learning from your moments of vulnerability and learning from the times that you are communicating, but being seven to eight months into a relationship, you are still firmly in the learning
phase of the relationship.
Some people call it the honeymoon phase, right?
But I call it the learning phase.
This is when you are really getting to know the other person.
And of course you're getting to know all the really, really fun stuff, right?
Like, oh, what do your parents do for a living?
That's not very fun.
I don't know why that's the first thing that came to my mind.
But, you know, when did you when was the first time you broke an arm and what did you want to be when you're a kid and what's your biggest ambition and where do you want to travel?
You're learning all those like factoids about them or the trivia.
And then you're also learning the deeper stuff, the deeper stuff like their insecurities, like the times they've been hurt and like how they need you to show up for them emotionally.
So right now, I actually think that it's quite normal for you to have to communicate and ask.
And I don't want you to feel like you're being a burden for doing that.
In fact, the right person, that should be something that they want to know.
That should be something that they are actually interested in learning from you because it means that they can show up for you in the future and they can continue to make the relationship work by being a good partner.
That's really the core part of this, right?
So if this is the right person, I don't think that they'll mind.
I think that hopefully they will continue to want to learn even in five, 10, 20 years, if that's where the relationship takes you back to your anxiety about having to ask.
I kind of interpreted this two ways, like, I shouldn't have to ask because I shouldn't he should know, which I think no one ever knows.
We kind of covered that before.
The only way, you know, no one's a mind reader, even people who are soulmates.
So it takes a while to start to get a good read on someone else's emotions.
But that second component of your anxiety is I don't want to be a burden.
All right. And I think that that anxiety really comes from previous instances and previous relationships where you were made to feel like your vulnerability was a weight that someone else didn't want to carry.
And that can be in, obviously, a family relationship.
Say, for example, you were the child who maybe was ignored, maybe your parents were quite emotionally withdrawn, so big displays of emotion and vulnerability weren't really accounted for, or maybe it was in a friendship or an early relationship where you would come to someone with your emotions and with your
vulnerability and they would be dismissive.
I think that that is really a big origin for a lot of our almost guilt and embarrassment for sharing our emotions.
And that's something that we really have to unlearn in our 20s, because if we continue to live in that space in our mind that says we are the problem for being emotional beings, we actually, A, never really get to connect with anyone else and B, we do ourselves a huge disservice.
Part of unlearning that is actually doing the thing that feels the hardest, which is just being vulnerable and being honest.
And essentially giving our emotions to other people, asking for help and not allowing ourselves to feel rejected if they don't respond the proper way instead knowing that maybe that person isn't right for you, but also knowing that the right person will not feel burdened by that at all.
So it's really about going against everything that perhaps you've been taught or you've learnt or you've seen that says hide these things away and choosing to very radically do the absolute opposite and make it very, very visible.
So it's a very common situation.
I think people find themselves in, in the early stages of relationship, you know, what is too much, what is too emotional, what is too loud, what can I share, what can I share?
My biggest piece of advice is to share whatever is going on in your mind, to let people love you, give them the gift of getting to care for you and also being quite graceful and forgiving as they learn to adapt to your unique states and your unique way of seeing the world.
So good luck in your relationship.
I like that he does it.
I think that that's an amazing sign.
And just wishing you lots of lots of love and happiness.
Let's move on to our next question.
So there's a little bit of backstory to this.
I went to college for art and I am a printmaker.
I graduated from art school in 2022 and I've been working different jobs since then.
And about four months ago, I started working as a hairstylist after like a year of a training.
So before I started doing hair, I like didn't have a creative job and I was still able to do my art on the side a little bit more.
But now that I'm working in a creative field, I really don't have the urge to work on my printmaking anymore.
I will have ideas for like stuff I want to make and I'll think, oh, this would be super cool.
Let me write it down.
And then sometimes I'll like sit down and be like, OK, today I'm doing I'm working on art and I'll only make it like 30 minutes before I'm just so like bored of the activity and not inspired anymore.
And I'm trying to not force myself to do it because then I just feel even more resentment from the activity.
But yeah, I'd love to hear if you have any advice or know any psychology that could help me get out of this this little rut I'm in.
Thank you, I love you so much.
This is such a great question.
Also, your voice is just so cute.
Like, I just love the tone of your voice.
I like heard this voice and I was like, she sounds so like fun and peppy and lovely.
But back to your question, I would bet good money on the fact that what you were experiencing is creative burnout.
And I have been there.
I have done that. I have got the T -shirt.
Working in a creative space with printmaking, with hairdressing, if you're an artist, if you're a dancer, if you're a musician, it is exhausting because your creativity is derived from so much more than just what you can physically do.
It's derived from where you're at emotionally, how you feel physically, how you feel mentally, how you feel about your life.
And that is why it is such a hard career to have, because you really do have to be almost fully in it, fully immersed, fully embracing your medium in order to feel inspired and to feel like you want to make something.
I think the big turning point for you was probably starting the hairdressing job, right?
That is also equally quite a demanding job creatively and visually and aesthetically, and also timewise.
I think perhaps a lot of the energy that you had previously reserved for printmaking is now being given to hairdressing.
This thing is taking up a bigger slice of your brain.
It's taking up more of the pie and all the energy that you previously and all the inspiration as well and all of the, perhaps even the emotional resources that you used to devote to printmaking into this creative form of expression is kind of being dominated by hairdressing in the way that you're making
money. That is also a really common and difficult dilemma with anyone who works in a creative space.
It's the kind of toss up between, I need to make money from this, but also I need to be inspired and being inspired requires rest and it requires introspection and it requires time devoted to my craft.
It's very hard to find a way that you can have both, that you can get paid to make art and still love it.
And so a lot of people do seek alternatives and do seek other careers that aren't their primary medium to make money.
And I think that that's really explaining what you're going through right now.
So creative burnout.
That's really what we're getting at.
What I want you to focus on and you're already doing this is not creating.
Actually, what I want you to focus on is just being inspired.
The next six months, all I want you to do is focus on finding things that inspire you.
And it doesn't even have to do with printmaking, things that inspire joy, stories that pop into your mind that you're like, wow, that's that's kind of funny.
Little things that you see on the street that make you laugh or make you think a beautiful sunset, a beautiful autumn tree, I don't know, a beautiful steam rising from your coffee.
Just be inspired. That is what you're in the business of because being inspired takes up a lot less energy than being physically creative and having to put pen to paper or I guess scalpel to scalpel to linoleum.
I don't really know how printmaking works, really, but I want that to be your primary goal right now to just be inspired.
What I tend to find is that when we focus on inspiration, our desire to create gets bigger and bigger and bigger because we're putting more fuel on the fire, right?
We have more things that we want to make into something physical, that we want to be able to show people.
And so the more creative and inspirational and motivational wood that you stack up, the more things that you see, I think begins to push you and begins to almost relight the fire that makes you want to create.
So what's going to eventually happen, and this is what's happened to me before, is that when I start looking for inspiration, rather than putting pressure on myself to actually make something, eventually I get to a tipping point where I'm like, something comes along that I have trained myself to look
for that really like sets a spark in me.
Or eventually I'm just like, I just need to make something that all of that energy that I've been saving up through inspiration comes crashing down and suddenly like I'm awakened again and I'm alive again and I want to be making stuff.
I'll also say, sometimes these things come and go, right?
Sometimes people do, you know, there's authors who don't write for decades at a time.
There are artists who don't make any new works for years.
There are songwriters who, you know, stop making music for two decades and then they come back to their craft because something calls them back.
So maybe you're just in a period of waiting at the moment.
You're just in a period of having different priorities, of not feeling as attached and in love with what you have trained to do, and that is okay.
It doesn't mean that you've lost it forever.
The one thing I've learned about creativity is it doesn't like to be forced.
It does not like to be a chore and it most certainly does not like to be something that you have to squeeze out of yourself.
It should flow, it should come naturally and if that's not the case right now, maybe you need to retreat backwards a little bit and just let it rest.
And there's nothing wrong with doing that.
You won't lose it. You won't, you know, leave it and never return.
And even if you do, maybe that's a good thing.
Maybe you're making space for something else.
So to summarize what I'm saying, search for inspiration.
Don't force yourself to create because that is the creativity hates being forced.
It's never a good sign.
And give yourself some space to explore other things and to just let your creativity and to let your skills just sit for a while, marinate, just have a little bit of a break.
But yeah, I'm really, really rooting for you and it's something that I've experienced before and I've come at the other side, so you're not going to lose it.
Don't worry. And maybe this is a good time to see that your identity is made of more, could be made of more.
All right, we're going to take a short break and then we will return to hear more of your 20 something dilemmas.
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Chase make more of what's yours.
Chase mobile app is available for select mobile devices, message and data rates may apply.
JP Morgan Chase Bank NA member FDIC copyright 2024 JP Morgan Chase.
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We are back with more listen to dilemmas.
Let's hear from this next person.
Hi Gemma, I'm in my mid to late 20s and I just can't help but feeling like I have to choose between owning a house or continuing to travel.
My husband and I both have really good paying jobs with college degrees and I still feel like we're not doing as well as we should be.
We've spent quite a bit of time and money traveling, which I absolutely don't regret, but in doing so we have made sacrifices.
We live in the US and have lived in a one bedroom apartment in the Midwest for about three years and rent just keeps going up.
But I'm anxious because I feel like once we buy a house, our ability to travel will significantly decrease.
I can't help but feeling like although we should be well off, we'll have to give up travel for a house or give up a house to continue to travel.
All of my friends are in the same boat too.
My parents and my husband's parents don't seem to understand why we still don't have a house and I just get discouraged every time I try and explain how different times are from when they bought their first house.
Is it even possible to travel and own a house successfully in your 20s or am I just setting unrealistic expectations?
Oh my goodness, what a big question.
And you know what? At face value, it looks like it's about, you know, home ownership versus travel, but it's about so much more than that.
You already mentioned one of those things, your parents and your husband's parents, not understanding that the priorities of this generation are a whole lot different.
No longer is property ownership and starting a family really young and just slowly going up the corporate career ladder.
What most people want.
We are such a privileged generation where we see opportunities out there.
We see the opportunity to travel.
That's something a lot of us are embracing, especially in many ways because things like, you know, traditional markers of success like home ownership are just not possible.
They just don't seem as doable anymore and it feels like they cost us a lot more than the money.
They also cost us experiences and they cost us flexibility and they cost us a life that we would want to live.
I am in the same boat.
I'm going to be completely honest.
I don't know anyone around me who is thinking about home ownership.
Obviously I live in Sydney, which is like the second most expensive city in the world.
But if you live in any large city, I think it's something that really comes up.
Why would I continue to potentially save for a house that I might be able to buy?
That's just going to put me in so much debt.
I might not even be able to do it and I'm going to have to give up a life that I actually really, really want.
So this is how I think you should reframe this question in your mind.
Why do you want a house?
Genuine question. I know you mentioned that your rent is increasing.
It's likely that, you know, your house might be just as expensive, but is it because you want to put money towards something you own?
Why do you want it?
Is it because it's what everyone has told you you need to have by a certain time?
Is that why you want the house?
Is it because the house and having a house and getting to decorate it and having a place that's your own, is that actually your dream?
Is it for the financial stability of not having to pay rent?
I want you to really think about why you really want to own a property and whether that why is the biggest why in your life right now.
Is the reason you want to buy a property the most important thing to you?
Is financial stability the most important thing to you?
Is having a stable place to live the most important thing to you?
Or is it travel? Is it still being in this flexible, adaptable, error of your life?
Is it still having the opportunity to put the money that you would otherwise put towards a property, towards new experiences?
So I really want you to think, what are your motivations?
Because you know, the opportunity to buy a house, that is always going to be there in some form or another.
Yes, your financial situation might change, but I don't think that travel will always be there.
You know, when you are 70, 80, 90, you are maybe going to look back at this time in your life and think, gosh, why did we feel so pressured to do this traditional thing and to follow this blueprint?
And we gave up something that we weren't done with yet.
We weren't done with the travel.
We weren't done with this freedom and this, you know, period of our life.
There are also, of course, alternatives, and obviously I am not going to give you any financial advice, but you could buy somewhere else cheaper and then you could keep traveling or you could use, you know, you could buy a property and then use it as a rental for the next two years and then maybe even
live with your parents so that you could still have that little nest egg, that house, and still be able to travel.
Not that I'm really like promoting becoming a landlord, but you know what I mean?
Like there are options that you could do both.
You could also move out of your current apartment and move somewhere perhaps a little bit more regional.
I think you said you lived in New York, like you could move upstate so that you could do travel around those parts whilst still paying less rent.
So there are alternatives, but I really think that you need to consider why it is you want to buy a house and whether that is the most important thing to you right now, whether buying a house is going to really align with the priorities of this chapter in your life more so than other alternatives and then
go from there. But yeah, you're definitely not alone in that one.
I have just kind of completely given up the prospect to be completely honest.
I'm like, why not have fun?
And some people might call that doom spending and might say that that's poor financial literacy or that I'm making the wrong choices.
But I think at the end of the day, it's just so implausible that this generation all of us could have the same opportunities that our parents and their parents had to buy property and to then still be able to have the little luxuries that we want.
So as a generation, our priorities are changing and that doesn't mean that those priorities are wrong.
So best of luck. Keep me updated.
DM me on Instagram.
I want to know what you end up doing.
I'm very invested. All right.
Let's jump into another question from one of you, lovely, lovely listeners.
Hi there. So my 20 something's dilemma is that I feel overwhelmed by the amount of options or directions that I can choose to pursue.
I feel overwhelmed because I'm scared.
I don't choose the correct one.
I'm scared. I choose the wrong one and I end up wasting my potential there.
And I'm also scared that not only do I end up wasting my potential there, I end up wasting time there, that like, everything feels like it needs to get done in a rush.
It feels like everything has a timeline, even though it doesn't, it feels like it a lot of the times and that's what I'm ultimately scared of.
Choosing the wrong, like pursuit and wasting my potential and my time and not feeling fulfilled.
The first thing I want to say to this dilemma is that I'm assuming 90, 95, maybe even a hundred percent of us are feeling the exact same way.
What I want to tell you is this.
I really think that your twenties are for exploring and then your thirties and even your forties are for deciding.
So I know it feels like you need to make a lot of really big, important decisions right now and you need to stay with those decisions and be loyal to those decisions.
That is totally not the case.
I think that even within this decade, how I begun my twenties was so different to what I was doing in like my mid early mid twenties to what I'm doing in my mid twenties.
Right. There is fluidity there.
Things do change. And so I think what you're really struggling with though is, you know, you're at this starting line and there is all these all these branches, um, stemming out, stemming out from where you are and it's the classic Sylvia Plath fig tree analogy.
At the end of every branch is this beautiful piece of fruit.
You know, you could be a doctor, you could be a mother, you could be a lawyer, you could be traveling, you could be a musician, you could start your own business.
You should go, you could go back to school.
There is a million different alternative lives and you, and every one of them feels just as appealing and you don't know which one to choose.
And it feels like you can only choose one.
You can actually do it all.
You just can't do it all at once.
So choose whichever path feels best to you right now, knowing that you can change.
And what I really want to impress is that there is no such thing as a wrong choice.
Time is actually not something that you can waste.
You know, it's not a waste if you are having an experience.
And so what I really want you to focus on moving forward is not what do I want to do?
What do I want to achieve?
What do I want to experience?
Because that is what your twenties are about right now.
What do I actually want to see, feel, hear, do with my life and just choose one pathway that feels like it's going to get you closest to whatever that is.
And here's the thing, there is no one right pathway.
I think the other thing that we really toss up is, and it really came up with that last question as well is the pull between doing something that is traditional, conventional expected of us, and doing something that maybe we want to do more, that's less traditional and more free and flexible.
And that might be a little bit more risky and scary.
Which one of those things appeals to us the most?
You have to go with your gut and you have to go with your heart.
I think especially the privilege of your twenties is that you can make mistakes and that time is not wasted at all.
Think of this as like your experimental decade.
It doesn't really matter until you start your thirties and you have experiences, right?
As long as you are doing something that you care about, that is going to put you on a good path, even if you decide that you want to change later on.
And I'll give you the example of what I'm doing right now.
I started out my twenties having absolutely no idea what I wanted to do, and I was in your position.
I think that I probably had the exact same thoughts that you had.
How do I know? How can I be sure?
How am I going to do this right?
And I also just felt really lost and I felt really, really scared.
So I just went with the thing that felt best at the time, knowing that I was going to learn something from that.
And I became a management consultant, which no one knows what that is because, you know, it's a weird job.
It's like an everything job.
But I became a management consultant.
I worked a corporate corporate career.
And for, you know, the first two, three years of my 20s, I was like, OK, I'm just going to work really hard.
I'm going to hustle really hard and I'm going to move up the career ladder in this firm.
And then I started this podcast and I started the podcast because it was fun and because I realized that I just wanted to do something and I wanted to do something creative and to express myself.
And then suddenly that became bigger than my corporate job.
And now this is what I do full time.
I never could have expected that.
But the thing that was really important was that I didn't see any experience as a waste and I didn't I didn't tie myself down to one path.
And that was important when something was pulling me off that path because I let myself float with it.
So just choose whatever feels most important to you right now, knowing that you can change, knowing that time is not a waste, knowing that every experience gives you something.
And I use the things I learned in my corporate job still to this day and I don't think I would be as happy or as successful or making the right business decisions or making the right career decisions if I hadn't had that previous experience in a more corporate world.
So you are going to be OK.
You're going to make the right choice.
Good luck. I feel like I'm saying this at the end, but at the end of every question, but I do just see myself reflected in all of these.
So good luck. It's going to be OK, I promise you.
All right. Second last question.
Let's hear from another listener.
My 20s dilemma is almost reaching my 30s and wondering if I will be going through the same patterns, same experiences.
And knowing how I can navigate it without this podcast.
I know that the name of this podcast is obviously the psychology of your 20s, but you would be surprised how many questions I get about our 30s.
Am I going to do the psychology of your 30s or questions or even listeners who are in their 30s?
So I think first things first, as much as like the name of this podcast is 20s, I love when people listen who are in their 30s, 40s, 50s.
One of the best messages I ever received was from someone in their 60s actually who was like, oh, it was my situationship episode.
And she was like, I just realized that this relationship I have with a man was this and you've given me the words to articulate it.
So there is no age limit to this podcast.
I also think that it's totally OK if you're still going through the same things in your 30s, because really what is your 30s other than just a new chapter?
Right. Is it really that different to go from 29 to 30 than to go from 25 to 26?
Like you're only a day older at a time, only a day older at a time and learning and learning and learning.
The other thing I want to say about our 30s is that the other night I had a couple of friends over for like Christmas drinks, holiday drinks, and all of them were in their 30s and I asked them.
I was like, you know, I'm looking at all these people and I admire every single one of your lives.
Turning 30 and having the life of any single one of these friends of mine, I would be so insanely happy about.
And actually what I was like, what's your advice?
I was thinking about this question and I was like, what's your advice?
Also, because I want that advice.
I want my 30s to look like these people I admire.
And one of my friends was basically just like, it's really not that different.
You just do more for yourself.
She was like, did all the pressure that you used to face, it seems to almost slide away and you take everything that you've learned from your 20s and you're finally able to apply it.
So I think that that's something to be really optimistic about.
The other thing I want to say, every single person that I know in their 30s just gets hotter and brighter and more intelligent and more self -assured every single year.
Like every single one of them, I'm like, you just get more beautiful and more self -assured.
Everything like you are just with age becoming more yourself and more brilliant.
And I just think that that actually gives me something to look forward to.
I don't know. I'm just actually, I'm pretty excited to turn 30 to be honest.
And I know it'll be the end of an era.
And people always ask me if I'm going to do the psychology of your 30s.
I really don't know.
Maybe by that point I'll be ready for something new.
But regardless, I know that I'll be excited about it because it is a whole new decade.
And how amazing that you turn 30 and then you're at the start of a whole new something.
It's like you're turning 21 again.
You've got this whole new decade and chapter to look forward to.
And I always think about this Reese Witherspoon interview, and it's very, very random.
But it was her interviewing some up and coming actress and the actress goes, oh, I'm 32.
And Reese is like, you're such a baby.
You are such a baby.
She's like, I didn't know anything at 32.
I was just beginning.
And, you know, she was already pretty, pretty prominent actress.
But I think that what that really showed me was that you are always young at heart and you're always going to be younger than the next generation.
And people always look back at these decades that we put so much gravitas on.
And in hindsight, they realized that they were still learning and that they still had time and there was still so much to look forward to.
It's just that it didn't feel like that then.
It felt like the end of something when actually it was the beginning.
So congratulations on entering your next decade, the decisive decade, as they call it.
And of course, you can still listen to the podcast.
You are more than welcome.
I think that there is a lot of really amazing stuff in store for you.
I can feel it. We're going to take another quick break and then return for our final 20 something dilemma of the listener episode.
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JP Morgan Chase. If you are loved when are managing a challenging mental health condition, you may be running out of patience.
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We have one final voice note, one final question from a listener.
And of course I had to end the episode with another Australian, with another Aussie girl who voice noted in and her dilemma for the podcast.
Here she is. Okay. So what has been like coming up for me recently is that a few months ago, my two -year -long relationship that was a very intense and consisted of a lot of love bombing ended and now I've realised that I've sort of pushed all my friends to the side and that currently my only friends,
like only people that I would consider my friends are like my ex -partner's friends.
Which obviously aren't the most sustainable friendships given the circumstances.
So I guess my dilemma is now feeling like I don't really have the friends that I once did before my relationship.
And I know that's of my own fault, but how do we rekindle those past friendships that I've pushed aside to prioritise my relationship at the time?
What a great question.
And I'm sorry about your breakup.
I'm sure that is a difficult chapter for you.
It does get better though.
And I know you're properly sick of hearing that, but I know it gets better because I've been in your shoes.
I've been exactly where you are.
I was in a really toxic, terrible relationship when I was 21 and it was just, it cost me so many friendships because I was so invested in him and I was so enamoured with him and it was just not a very healthy dynamic.
And he made me equally anxious and excited and that kept me really wrapped around his finger.
And because of how enraptured I was with him, it meant that I found any, any excuse to be friends with his friends.
And just naturally I spent so much time with them and at their house that I fell into those friendships really, really easily because of course it's convenient.
They're around. They're probably really nice people.
When the relationship inevitably ended, I of course felt devastated and heartbroken by the fact that I wasn't with this person anymore, but also I felt an additional form of social pain that came from losing those friendships.
It was a sad truth that they were his friends first.
And I know that, you know, perhaps we're more mature than to think that odds is a thing or to think that we can claim certain people as our own, but it was just a nature of how things felt that they were more his friends in mine.
And so I lost him then I lost his friends and then I turned around and realized that I'd lost my own friends in the process of pursuing this relationship.
And I will not sweeten the sugar for you.
It, it was really, really difficult and it was really, really hard, but this is how I went about it.
Firstly, I did reach out to my old friends and I was really, really honest with them.
I said, you know, we've broken up.
I realized that that relationship, you know, caused me to perhaps behave the way that I didn't want to.
It caused me to not be as present in your life anymore, but if you give me the chance, I'd really like to reconnect and just do things that are slow and steady.
Some of them might say, no, that's totally okay, but most people are kind and forgiving and they probably really love your company.
They really enjoy your company.
They've probably missed you.
So they'll want to bring you back into the fold.
They'll want to be in your life, reach out just to do something small, do something activity -based, go and get a coffee, go for a walk, and then also try and extend your circle beyond those old friends and beyond your ex boyfriend's friends to also include people who didn't know you before, who didn't
know you during, but who know you in this new phase of your life, because it's going to be a brilliant one post the post breakup.
Glow up is insane and it's not physical.
It's mental. You become this like enchanting version of yourself.
Once you get through the pain, the hurt, there is just such fertile soil upon which for you to grow as an individual and to really rediscover yourself.
I think you might need some new friends for that chapter.
So this really comes down to how to make friends as an adult as well.
My biggest tip is to start doing the same things at the same time in the same place.
Build friends around routine.
So how I did this after my breakup and then I also moved to cities at the same time was that I started going to the same, uh, like fitness classes on the same day at the same time.
So I do boxing on Tuesday at 6 30 PM and on Thursdays at five 30 and I knew that there would be other people who would have the same routine and structure as me.
So I'd be seeing them.
And through that we were able to start slowly building a friendship.
I also went to, um, life drawing classes and I went to a ceramics class and I made friends that way because, you know, post school in uni, it's always so difficult even like outside of work to make new friends because you don't have those convenient structures, but I find that like, um, classes and weekly
activities that are structured are a really great way to meet people and also just start reaching out to mutual start reaching out to people who, you know, you've met a couple of times at a party and who you really, really hit it off with or who are friends of friends.
This is an excellent time for you to really regrow that social circle that perhaps you've been lacking.
I know that it probably feels really, really daunting and maybe really lonely at this point at this point as well, but I had a really crazy realisation.
I really feel for you actually, cause just a few days ago I was having my friends miss like my friends miss party for my friends and I was sitting at the table and I was thinking, wow, when I first moved to Sydney after this breakup, I'd lost so many friends and I never imagined that I'd be at this point
again. And if this was what I always wanted, I always wanted to have a big table full of people who I could celebrate with.
And these were like 20 of my really good friends.
And I remember in that time after my breakup, when I really didn't have many friends, I'd neglected my old friendships.
You know, they weren't really as strong as they could be.
And I'd really, you know, rebuilt those old friendships and also found new ones.
So I want you to know it's possible.
Sorry, there was a long ramble, a gratitude ramble, I would say, just to really tell you that where you are right now is not where you'll be forever.
Put in effort, put in time, take a year to just be single and to really concentrate on building those social circles and also take it as a lesson that whatever next relationship you find, because you will find a new person and you will find love again, your friendships need to be equally as important
because they are the things that really sustain us through every single chapter in our life.
Those are all of the 20 something dilemmas that I had for you guys today.
I really enjoy doing this episode.
I guess I love advice giving.
I love specific advice giving, and it was really nice to actually be able to have your voices on the podcast because, gosh, obviously the season of gratitude, I'm going to be all sappy and emotional again, but you guys made the show this year, you made the podcast this year, you were behind every amazing
thing that I got to do.
Period. You know, I'm not even going to take any credit without you guys.
It wouldn't be possible.
So I really hope that it was really nice getting to hear from other listeners that these questions resonated with you, that maybe you got answers to some of your own dilemmas.
And I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of the support and love that you have for the psychology of your twenties.
Next year is going to be a crazy year.
I have some big news coming January 6th, some huge news.
Um, and you know, I got to announce my book this year, so if you haven't already, make sure that you pre -order Person in Progress, it's coming out in April, and I will be traveling all around the world to hopefully get to meet you all at some book signings, at some book tours, at some meetups.
We're going to have so much more in -person connection next year that I'm very, very pumped for because I feel like that's what we've been missing.
I'm really excited to get out there and to meet some of the fans, meet some of the listeners, meet some of the other fellow 20 something people who are going through what we are all going through at the same time.
So I want to say big, happy holidays and a happy new year.
We're definitely going to talk before then, but this will probably be one of my last, you know, solo episodes where I just get to talk to you guys before then.
So you have made my year not to sound like a broken record and make sure that you are following along or you're subscribed on Apple podcasts or Spotify, leave a little review.
It's a really great way to give back these holidays is to give me some kind words to read when I'm feeling anxious after my New Year's Day party implants, and we will talk very, very soon.
Make sure to send this episode to someone you know, who might enjoy it as well.
And until next time, stay safe, stay kind, please be gentle with yourself.
We will talk very, very soon.
Hi, I'm Ed Zittron host of the Betrothline podcast and we're kicking off our second season, digging into text elite.
And now they've turned Silicon Valley into a playground for billionaires.
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The forces shaping markets and the economy are often hiding behind a blur of numbers.
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Follow the Big Take podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen.
People, my people, what's up?
This is Questlove. Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme.
Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season.
But, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far.
I mean, we talked to Amory, Johnny Mar, E, John Checkner, Billy Porter, and so many more.
Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet, hey, now's your chance.
You got to check them out.
Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
I think it's time to acknowledge that I'm not just a comedian, it's time to add uncertified therapist to my credentials because each and every Wednesday I'm fixing your mess on Carefully Reckless on the Black Effect podcast network.
Got problems in your relationship?
Come to me. Your best friend acting shady?
Come to me. Thought she was the father, but you're not?
Come to me. I can't promise I won't judge you, but I can guarantee that I will help you.
Listen to Kafli Rekles on the Black Effect podcast network, iHeart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts.
AT &T, connecting changes everything.
