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What if kittens played the glockenspiel?
What if unicorns were real?
What if you could fly or travel back in time?
We welcome you to What If World.
Hey there folks, and welcome back to What If World, the show where your questions and ideas inspire off-the-cuff stories.
I'm Mr. Eric, your host.
And today we're doing an interview with a much beloved but seldom met character named Pipeo Houlihan.
Oh, it's a pleasure to be here.
Thank you so much for coming on the show, Pipeo.
And thanks to our patrons Caleb, James, and David, who suggested we interview Pipey.
I think you're mistaken.
I just come here to fix my magic diamond.
Oh, that must be because of Emma C's question.
What if Pipeo had to fix a diamond, right?
Yeah, I need her to come someplace very, very boring so I would be safe.
My studio isn't boring.
No, no, no.
I meant all of What Is World.
Hey, What Is World is pretty awesome, too.
Sure, you keep telling yourself that, Mr. Eric.
So pipe you. for our listeners who maybe haven't met you yet.
Can you just tell us quickly about yourself?
Oh, sure.
I'm a sewer wizard and I travel through sewer pipes using my magic wrench, which is kinda like my magic wand.
And also sometimes I live in the interwatt, cause why not?
And as for your accent, Oh yeah well, much like you, Mr Eric, I'm Italian on my mother's side and Irish on my father's side.
Yeah, but I don't talk like that.
Oh, maybe you would if you spent more time in What If World.
So you're a sewer wizard with a magic wrench and a weird accent, who jumps through pipes and sometimes lives in the inter-what, and your name's Pipey O'Houlihan.
Yeah.
But you've never heard of Mario by any chance.
Well, my grandmother's name was Mary O'Houlihan.
But does the name Luigi ring a bell?
Well, it is my cousin Louis Gallagher.
But we would never call him Luigi.
So you might say you're similar to but legally distinct from any of those characters?
Oh, of course, Mr. Eric.
Let's get to the story.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm sorry.
Well, our first question comes from Eric, a patron whose name is spelled E-R-Y-K.
Eric asks, why do you dislike Wowzer so much?
Oh, well, if not for Wowzer, my magic and diamond never get broken.
Is that a flashback sound?
It's a flashback sound, Mr. Eric.
Ever since Wowzer had discovered that he did not need to be a boss monster and had never really needed to guard any magical treasure, he'd been searching all across What If World and the inter-what to find his purpose.
Bow wow, how am I ever gonna find what I meant to do?
Who I meant to be?
Barked Wowzer, who was part dog, part dragon, part turtle.
He'd gone from a mushroom world to an underwater world, to a world made entirely of building blocks, to a world full of giants.
But no one on any of these worlds could tell him what to do and who to be and how to live.
I miss being a boss monster.
Things were so much simpler.
But what Wowzer hadn't realized is that, as he searched for his purpose from one world through the next, turning over rocks, lifting up houses, lapping up rivers, wiggling through garbage, he left a big stinky, ruinous mess wherever he went.
Wowzer, you gotta stop all.
This, said Pipeo Hulan pouring out of a drainpipe in Wowzer's latest world, where everyone was a big old bug.
How can I stop?
I don't know who I am anymore, said Wowzer, grabbing onto the drainpipe and peering through it with a reptilian eye.
Maybe who I'm meant to be is through this drain pipe.
Probably.
Well, look.
A filthy human crawling around on our clean ground, buzzed a giant fly person from the sky.
And some kind of dragon turtle dog.
You'd think with all those things they'd be at least a little bit bug, complained a giant beetle flying next to the fly.
Look, Wowser, you're messing up every world you go to.
I'm just trying to help.
But you're not making it easy.
And with that Pipeo swung his magic wand in circles, grabbed hold of Wowser's hand and pulled him back through the drainpipe.
Just as the giant fly and beetle scratched into the spot where they'd been.
Humans are so gross.
I don't know what natural function could require a creature to look like that.
So Pipeo, you've been chasing Wowser from world to world while he leaves a path of destruction in his wake.
That does sound pretty bothersome.
Yeah, I know he's confused.
But he's making life hard for a lot of people.
And until he understands that he's dangerous.
Well, our next question comes from a patron named Zara, who asks has Fred the dog ever chewed on your wand?
No.
He asked me, Fred.
Well, don't listen to him.
He's lying.
Fred, this is Pipey's interview.
Well, I was just trying to help anyway.
What's he talking about, Pipeyo?
Well, I knew I needed more magic to capture this wowzer.
So I went to the only other magician I know.
You didn't.
You did!
Said Abacus P Grumbler, somehow aware that he was in a flashback, and what had been said in the previous scene, even though it took place in the future?
Precisely, Mr. Eric.
No, please don't talk to me.
It makes the flashback so much more confusing.
Oh, fine.
Pipeo, what can I do to help you?
I need to make my wand more powerful so I can stop a wowser and teach him that there's more to searching than just destroying everything around you.
Well, you've come to the right place.
I think you just need a better wand.
I mean a big metal wrench.
How is that magical at all?
Abacus didn't realize, but he was actually asking Amby's question.
Why is your magic wand a wrench?
Hey, stop interrupting me, Sir Eric.
Sorry.
Well, Abacus, I'm a sewer wizard.
There's not just one kind of magic in the world, you know.
Oh, how short-sighted I've been.
So you don't have, like, a better wrench or nothing?
Oh, well, let me just see my wand collection here.
Mumbled Abacus, opening his closet door.
To reveal... Thread!
Oh, hi, Abacus.
Good thing you're here.
I just found a woodpecker pecking on your wand, so I was trying to chase them away with my teeth.
But they just kept jumping from one wand to the other.
So, you know, what was I supposed to do?
Except chew all of my wands.
Again.
No.
I'm not chewing your wands at all.
You're chewing my wands, you silly puppy.
Oh, it's really hard on my teeth.
But fortunately, the magic keeps growing the teeth back, so I can just chew all day.
Let go.
The fate of the very world may be at stake.
The fate of the very world may be at stake?
No, at stake.
Sorry, I'm an old dog.
It's kind of hard of hearing.
So Abacus couldn't help you?
And Fred made your wand even weaker?
Yeah, but I don't want to talk about that.
It's been a very difficult time.
Okay well, let's lighten it up with a question from Orson, who asks What do you eat?
Oh, mostly gold coins, sometimes a mushroom, maybe a feather here and there, except for the mushrooms, that sounds like a pretty terrible diet and in theory, if i eat the sun, i get the superpowers and can do flips for like a 10 seconds.
But you have to eat an entire son to do that.
Yeah, probably not a very good exchange on the celestial level.
That's why I needed to find a diamond instead.
Well, that brings us to our next question from Tabitha, who asks how in the world do you fit into all those pipes?
Well, it's usually easy if my wands are working.
But after it's been chewed on by a puppy... Sorry, my dad!
Pipio Hoolahan was using the powers of the interwatt, which connects all of What If World through a sewer system, apparently.
Okay, I need to find a magician who uses like more tools or is like into the water maybe.
As Juan glowed fitfully with green light, but it seemed to get a little bit brighter as he stood in front of a little service pipe, smaller even than his tiny Irish-Italian body.
And admittedly, pretty big head.
If I got a big head, it's because you got a big head, Mr. Eric.
I know, I know we have a lot in common.
Just get through the pipe.
I bet you're gonna find what you need on the other side.
Yeah, easy for you to say.
Pipeo taps at the pipe with his wand, which would normally shrink him down to just the size he needed to be to zip right on through.
But this time his head got stuck.
Uh, hello?
Anybody on the other end of this pipe?
Is someone calling through my bathtub?
Echoed a voice from the other side.
It was Petrina the Pirate. famous retired adventurer and witch.
Yeah, Fred the dog chewed on my wand, and now I can't really travel through the pipes so good.
Okay, okay, just give me a minute.
Pipio heard some rummaging from up above, and then...
Something oily was pouring down the pipes and over his body.
Now you should be able to wiggle through just fine.
Did you just pour grease down your bathtub?
That's right.
Now just wriggle your way up.
Oh, this is so demeaning.
Then Pipio, finishing his hardest teleportation ever wiggled, wriggled and squirmed his way through this sewer pipe to emerge, still half his usual size, in Petrina, the Pirate's bathtub.
Right, towel yourself off.
And here's that diamond you were looking for.
If you're so magical you know I needed a diamond, why didn't you just magic me out of the pipe?
That wasn't magic.
Abacus gave me a call, and I'm retired anyway.
Figured you'd need every ounce of this diamond's power if you were gonna capture that wowser.
Why, that's so perfectly reasonable.
But I wanted to be mad.
Okay, off you go.
The diamond should fix your wand just in time to get you to Mr. Eric's interview.
Oh, no.
All of this just to get the back of the present?
That's how stories work sometimes.
And indeed, clamping down the wrench, on to the diamond.
Fixed the chewed up magic wrench wand.
But in the process, cracked the diamond itself.
Yeah, oh, I was afraid of that.
Well, good luck to you.
Are you kidding me?
I'm just back where I started.
Whoa whoa, whoa.
I heard one of the world's most wise and powerful sorceresses lived on this pirate ship, so i will eat you up and then have the wisdom and power to do what i'm meant to do, whatever that is and the wowsers here are perfect.
Oh, don't worry yourself about it.
Just go have a nice time with Mr. Eric.
But Trina, the pirate's glass eye glowed and her long coat and hair flared out behind her, as if billowed by a sudden wind.
It's been a while since I faced off with a titanically powerful beastie.
Oh, too bad you'll miss my incredible display of magic and prowess.
Okay, off with you.
Oh, but I wanna see the magic of battle.
Maybe when you're older.
Now show, show.
And with a twiddle of her fingers, Pipio was sucked back in through his pipe and into my studio at the beginning of this interview several minutes ago.
So now you see why I've been a little impatient to get the diamond fixed.
I'm sure Petrina the Pirate's battle isn't that epic.
Wow, wow, wow, wow.
You're amazing.
Oh, I know.
Thank you, little one.
I'm a thousand times your size.
And yet, honey, you are still small.
Actually, if the sound effects are bleeding straight through into what is world, it is probably pretty epic.
Okay, okay, come on.
You got that last question to ask?
Yes.
Our last question is from a patron named Alfie.
Alfie wants to know, have you ever caught Wowzer?
What a perfect time to ask that question.
I just finished patching up the cracks in this diamond.
With what?
With all of these interview questions from you kids.
Really?
Yeah, aren't gems in what is world powered by curiosity?
No, I don't think they're powered by anything.
Maybe rocks, physics, millions of years.
Who has that kind of time?
Not you!
My roof!
It's time to catch you once and for all, Wowzer!
Hey, you two, I'm not sure if you know this, but my studio is actually neutral territory.
No epic battles here, please.
I'm not looking for a battle.
Katrina the Pirate taught me that we can find our purpose in life without smashing things.
She's so wise and powerful.
Don't forget beautiful.
But Bowser, I've been telling you that for years.
Why you never listen to me?
You've always seen me as a problem to be fixed.
It's hard to listen to someone who criticizes you all the time.
Ah!
What's with everyone and these perfectly reasonable explanations today?
That's really great to hear, Wowzer.
So, are you any closer to finding your purpose in life?
No, but I think I'll start by visiting all the worlds I trampled through and help fix things up.
That's a great idea!
Maybe you like a little company from a friend who, uh, isn't so critical?
Sounds divine.
Amazing.
Well, you two can start by fixing this giant pole in my ceiling.
Thank you for everything, Petrina the Pirate.
All in a day's work for us retirees.
It's just, there are birds in the studio.
Hey, I bet my magic diamond wonder wrench could take us both anywhere in the What If World.
Wowzer.
I really shouldn't be getting this much sun.
Let's go, old buddy.
Guess I'll just get a tarp.
From the tarps store.
The end, Mr. Eric.
Caleb, James, and David, I hope you enjoyed our interview with Pipey O'Houlihan.
And another quick thanks to Alfie Tabitha, Ambie Orson Zara, Eric and Emma C for all their interview questions.
I hope you all enjoyed this remastered story with new sound effects, less clicks and pops and better balanced audio throughout.
Folks at home, have you ever been so focused on one task that you forgot to take care of yourself?
Maybe you were doing homework or playing a game or watching something on a screen.
What did you notice when you finally stopped?
How did your body feel?
What would help you remember to take a break before you feel that way next time and leave a path of destruction behind you, like Wowzer?
Could you set a timer, take a moment to close your eyes and listen to your body every few minutes?
Talk it over with your grown-up, and who knows, it might inspire your next what-if question.
And when you're ready, get your grown-up's permission to email hello at whatifworldpodcast.com.
We love hearing from you.
I'd like to thank Karen O'Keefe, my co-creator, Miss Lynn, my producer, Craig Martinson, for his theme song, and all you kids at home who know that no one gets to tell you your purpose.
You gotta get out there and try things out until you discover it for yourself.
And until we meet again, keep wondering.
