My name is Curly and I'm Maya and welcome to the Super Secret Bestie Clubpodcast.
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Yeah like secrets that aresuper.
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Hilisteners, I'm AndreaGunning, host ofBetrayal.
This season on the podcast we follow Stacey Rutherford who thought she met her soulmate when she laid eyes onDr.
JustinRutherford. They fell in love and it was better than she everimagined.
But this familydoctor, beloved father and treasured husband had darksecrets.
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Hello, from Wonder MediaNetwork, I'm JennyKaplan, host ofWomanica, a daily podcast that introduces you to the fascinating lives of women history hasforgotten.
Who doesn't love a sportsstory?
Therivalries, the feats of strength andstamina, but these tales go beyond thepodium.
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Heyy'all,Dr. Joyhere.
I invite you to join me every Wednesday on the Therapy for Black Girlspodcast, a weekly chat about mental health and personaldevelopment.
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Helloeverybody, and welcome back to the psychology of your20s.
The podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for ourpsychology.
Helloeverybody, welcome back to theshow, welcome back to thepodcast, newlisteners, oldlisteners, wherever you are in theworld.
It is so great to have youhere, back for another episode as we of course break down the psychology of our20s.
Today I'm going to concentrate toit.
Let's talk aboutself-doubt, let's talk about the negative beliefs that we all kind of have about ourselves that we carry throughlife, whether we are aware ofit, ornot.
Dought's about ourworth, doubts about ourtalent, how deserving weare, ourintelligence, just acouple, just to name afew.
All of which end up really restricting ourpotential, they manifest inindecisiveness, inprocrastination,self-sabotage, anddisappointment.
I think it's a really rude awakening when you realize that so often the person who secretly is holding us back from so many of our visions and our dreams about the future and about our lives isus.
The person who is saying no isus.
The person rejecting us without ever giving us a chance is you guessed itourselves.
It's not always conscious nor is it ourfault.
From a very early age we get implanted with these false ideas of what makes us worthy and what wedeserve, whether it's from ourfamilies, our childhoodenvironment, ourpeers, myths that society tells us about who gets to be successful and praised versus whodoesn't.
Even some of the setbacks and failures that we experience pretty early on that really stay with us and these experiences become those false beliefs within us that in turn create a core part of our self-concept and ourself-worth.
And it kind of sets up this weird cycle where in order to just spurs thosebeliefs, we have to tryharder, push ourselvesharder, be something that we'renot, and thatinevitably, most of the time doesn't end upworking.
If we are never made aware ofthat, it can really end up putting a ceiling on our potential and kind of disrupting ourcompass, disrupting the trust that we have inourselves.
I know this from my own experience as a teenager and very much into my early20s, I was so uncomfortable with who Iwas.
I doubted about nearly every single thing that I did from myacademics, to my romanticlife, to mycreativity, to myfriendships.
And so I really stopped myself from ever putting myself out there before I'd evenbegun.
I was already telling myself that I was going tofail.
And it went right to the top in terms of bigdecisions, like not applying for jobs that I may havegotten, not applying for scholarships that I may havegotten, not takingrisks.
But also small decisions like what would I wear toclass?
Who would I speakto? And I look back at that chapter with somuch, I thinksadness, but also empathy for that version of me who was just crippled by self-doubt and spoke so negatively about themselves was success with beingperfect, never believed that she wouldbe.
But in the lastdecade, I don't want to say that I've been on a journey because that sounds so mystical andreligious.
But in manyways, I have this journey of realizing that life isshort, the world is sobig.
People are so swept up in themselves that no one is making therules.
No one is saying you can't more thanyou.
And when you realizethat, when you realize that you're on your ownway, is when you really get the chance to reinvent yourself and re-event your life and actually do things that take courage that you're genuinely proud of and actually listen to yourintuition.
So that is exactly what I want to talk about today when I want to hopefully teach youtoday, how to silence yourselfdown.
We're going to discuss the origins of those negative falsebeliefs, how it shows up in very invisibleways, why it can create a self-fulfillingprophecy, but above allelse, how we can leverage thepsychology, thescience, our knowledge about how we motivate ourselves versus how we handicap ourselves to really push beyond our limitingbeliefs.
We have so much to discusstoday.
This episode has been on my mind for a longtime.
So I'm excited to share it and hopefully show you what has helped me help you learn from this aswell.
So without furtherado, let's get into the psychology behind why we doubt ourselves and how to silence those falsebeliefs.
When we say that we are struggling withself-doubt, that can mean a fewthings.
Perhaps it's that you feel really unqualified at your job or atschool, you doubt the position you'rein, maybe you're in a leadershiprole, maybe you'renot.
You feel insecure about yourappearance, you doubt whether anyone will ever find youattractive, you doubt yourself when you speakup, when youcontribute, when you interact withothers, maybe you compensate for that by seeking constantreassurance.
When it comes to making a decision about your future or even small everydaydecisions, you might procrastinate not because you'relazy, not because you'reindecisive, because you aren't confident in your ability to choosecorrectly.
This list could goon, basically it's not feeling goodenough, not feeling worthyenough, hesitating to start something new because you might not be perfect from theget-go.
Inpost-acindrom, we're going to get to thatlater.
All of these individual experiences are what make up what we would callself-doubt.
What it all boils down to is a lack or a loss of trust in yourself and your ownabilities.
Each of us has this internal compass that not only guides us but is guided by our deeply rooted beliefs about our value and that value is what gives us confidence to forgeahead, confidence to believe in what we'redoing, confidence to hold ourselveshighly, when we experience overwhelmingself-doubt, it indicates that that compass isbroken.
It's starting between North and South and that's what doubt is at the end of the day indecision.
Onemoment, I'm worthy the nextmoment, no I'mnot.
I'mtalented, no I'mnot.
I should choose apath, or maybe I should choose pathA, no pathB, I'm notsure.
This compass doesn't get broken on itsown.
No one is born doubtingthemselves.
If you are aroundchildren, you will see as soon as they can startcrawling, how they dartforward, they climb any surface and they never realize that they can fall and they have this uncontrollable desire to be curious and to explore and toexperiment, they never once question theirinstincts.
As we gain greater self-awarenessthough, obviously sometimes our doubts are for our owngood, but also external forces begin to intrude and they begin to cause us to questionourselves, starting with what always tends to be our mainculprit, which is our parents and our childhoodenvironment.
I know it sounds really obvious tosay, but our early childhood years are soformative.
Our brain is like this bigsponge, this big canvas that is taking in everything that is thrown atit, whether that is positive ornot, and there are of course some experiences that are moresignificant, especially when they relate to the bond that we share with our primary care giver because we are biologically and naturally attuned to pay close for attention to those in which we have a secure or maybe insecure attachmentto.
So excessive parental criticism for one can cause us to really doubt ourselves from quite an earlyage.
If you have aparent, if you still have a parent who is overly critical ofyou, nothing is goodenough, you disappointthem, you annoythem, you don't live up to theirexpectations, and they let you know that beyond just kind guidance throughscolding, never giving you praise even inwhat, youknow, even when you try your hardest to do what theywant.
You end upthinking, youknow, if this person doesn't love me for what I'm trying todo, am I even worthy oflove?
Can I even trustmyself?
I want to please them somuch, but I don't knowhow, even when Itry.
This causes us to really second guess everything because we become afraid of misstepping and we begin to internalize the lack of support or the words that they say and the seeds of self-doubt are really kind of sewn at thatmoment.
This can also emerge when we are compared tosiblings, forexample, and we again internalize a belief that compared tothem, compared to this rivalry that is set up betweenus, we will never measureup, we will never be good enough for ourparents, they will always have a favorite and that favorite will never be us and that again createsself-doubt.
The finalexample, I'll give ofthis, which kind of underlines all of the previousexamples, but it's basically when there are these high expectations that we can never meet and it's not that when we don't meetthem, we're still met withlove, when we don't meetthem, we're perhaps met withcriticism,neglect,punishment, some kindof, I don'tknow, behavior or like discipline that actually undermines who we are and our sense of value does begin to weaken in response tothat.
Infact, according to research by the University ofNevada, a big factor that actually contributes to imposter syndrome later in life is hypercriticalparents, hypercritical parents who no matter what youdid, theaccolades, theachievements,forning, trying so hard to pleasethem, it was never goodenough.
And so onceagain, your compass losesdirection.
That is one set of experiences that contributes to a very innate lack of belief inourselves, but it's not just ourparents.
It's our peers that obviously also make up a big part of that earlyenvironment.
And you knowwhat? I don't think our peers get enough credit for some of the pain that they cause if we can even call itcredit.
Next to ourparents, our peers are like the biggest influence and their influence is sometimes a notpositive, butb, just tends to increase the older we get when we get into our teenyears, the people that we are mainly concerned with impressing are ourfriends.
The way that I could go on about the impact of childhood bullying on adultself-esteem, this episode would be hours long because it's not spokenabout.
We often tend to thinkof, youknow, once we leave thatenvironment, once we leave schoolbehind, once we leave our bulliesbehind, oh mygosh, we can kind of wash our hands ofthis, we'redone, we can moveforward, all of those negative emotional reactionsdisappear.
But if you went through that10, 15 years ago during thatreally, really vulnerable period that we all gothrough, youknow, during that really formativeperiod, it's not like those experiences of beingbullied, of beingexcluded, ofbeing, youknow,socially,physically,verbally.
I don't like the termabuse, but yetbullied.
Those experiences don't necessarily goaway.
And youknow, 15 yearson, you might still hear those voices in your head when you're trying somethingnew, or when you're going for a promotion atwork, when you're trying to push beyond your own limits and extendyourself, because those voices were just so loud during a time when your self-concept was beingformed.
Youknow, beingbullied, whether that is physical or verbal or socialor, youknow,exclusion, that has been shown to quite literally change thebrain, due to an increased exposure to the stress hormone cortisol during thatperiod, during ouradolescence, where our neurons are wiring and rewiring quiterapidly.
What that basically means is that the brain of someone who was bullied versus the brain of someone whowasn't, are going to look verydifferent, specifically in the regions that process danger in ourenvironment, specifically in our emotional braincircuits, like the amygdala that processesfear, and the areas of our brain that process a specific kind ofpain, called socialpain, the pain that follows experiences ofrejection, of loss ofostracism.
When they looked at the long-term consequences ofthis,people, bullied aschildren, showed heightened levels of socialanxiety, heightened levels ofperfectionism, and ofcourse,self-doubt.
During thattime, I think we can all kind of rememberthis.
Wereally, really care about what others think aboutus.
We really care about whether we have enoughfriends, we really care about what the coolgirl, the coolguy, whether they think that we're alsocool.
It's just this constant social anxiety that is buzzing below thesurface.
When people around you drill away at yourconfidence, whether that isteasing, whether that is criticizingyou, whether that is slight comments about yourgrades, yourclothes, you lose that innatetrust, you have inyourself, and you lose that kind of innatetrust, you have in yourvalue, and youwithdraw.
You shelter yourself away from potentially being hurtagain, or being bruised again by these same people or these sameexperiences, and the way that you shelter yourself is by no longer showingup.
By no longer putting yourself outthere, because what this has taught you is that when you dothat, you open yourself up to the potential to behurt, to the potential to beexcluded, orisolated, orcriticized, and you don't want to enjoythat.
It'spainful. So the easiest way to not enjoy that is to not ever put yourself outthere.
This is because I think one aspect of self-doubt we haven't spoken on yet is that it really is a form ofself-protection.
It is a psychological defensemechanism, because it shields us from potentially negative outcomes or emotional pain by being extremelycautious, by asking us to doublecheck, by asking us to play itsafe, and to keep ourselves in a place of comfort rather thandiscomfort.
Youknow, our kids are socruel, and it's quite sad to think that despite all of us being so young at thetime, we were capable of doingthis, youknow, semi-long-term damage to how we see ourselves in theworld, because of that childhoodcruelty.
And the impact that this has on ourselves out is definitely heightened when you already have innate personality traits likeperfectionism, or you're a sensitivesoul, or you have a high baseline level ofanxiety.
Youknow, if you are a sensitivekid, I'll go back to that example like Iwas.
Like I'm sure many of uswere.
These things can be incredibly hard toforget, and also our memory is often more tuned negativeexperiences.
We have a negativitybias.
So if you're still feeling like you're reliving the trauma from a childhood bully or a teenagebully, I honestly think that that is quite a valid thing for you to beexperiencing.
I think that those experiences don't disappear as fast as most people would lead us tobelieve.
Another thing that really causes us to get buried inself-doubt, especially the older weget, especially when we are in our late teenageyears, early20s, are toxic or chaoticrelationships.
When it comes tolove, I know it sounds soobvious, but youknow, that is where we are mostvulnerable.
And so when we trustsomebody, or when we really want them to return our attention and ouraffection, and that turns around and becomesinsults, or they rejectus, or they treat us like we're too much that we're secondbest, that does some real emotionaldamage.
And we talked about this on last week's episode on redflags.
There was a 2019 study that we referenced that showed how negative romantic experiences play a role in the development of our sense ofself-esteem.
And our self-esteem is a primary contributing factor to our sense ofself-doubt.
This makes a lot of sense for anyone who was unfortunately had an experience where someone you cared about or who you liked has been the same person to break down yourconfidence.
You really end up losing trust in yourself because you feellike, how could I've been so wrong aboutsomeone?
Even though it's not yourfault, it all comes backto,wait, this was a choice forme.
I chose someone who was going to maybe treat me likethis, or what if what they're saying istrue?
If I really likethem, there must be something good aboutthem.
They must know something about me that Idon't.
So it's those early romanticrelationships, even our recent romantic relationships that can once again really follow into our brain and make us doubt almost everything that we choose todo.
Beyondthat, we also have experiences of failure and ofsetbacks.
And youknow, our 20s are right for them because it is definitely one of the firsttimes.
It is the first time that we are trulyindependent.
And we don't have the safety net of our parents or our teachers or of school to catchus.
So ourmoves, ourbehaviors, they're all ourown.
And sometimes it just doesn't go ourway.
And that causes us to retreat and doubt thecompass.
There will be times in which we did ourbest.
We did what we thought wasright.
And it did not go according toplan.
We all havethem. I remember a few instances likethis.
One was when I went for this scholarship at myuniversity, thought I didgreat, didn't getit, got knockedback.
And that was something that I ended up being really gratefulfor.
But that's a story for anothertime.
And another example I was thinking of was when I worked really hard on thisassignment.
And it was like one of my first assignments atuni.
And I got a55%. That is a small setback in the scheme ofthings.
I could not tell you what the paper wasabout.
I could not tell you the openingsentence.
I could not tell you like anything to do with thatpaper.
But I remember that I got thatgrade.
And that grade made me question everything about who I thought Iwas.
I thought that I wassmart.
I thought that you know that I wasambitious.
I thought that I wasadaptable.
And this kind of proved meotherwise.
And how could I trust my judgmentnow?
It really didn't help that I was in this competitiveatmosphere.
Everyone seemed to be doing sowell.
Everyone wassucceeding.
It was just me who couldn't couldn't keepup.
And I wanted to kind of prove that I deserve to bethere.
And obviously in mymind, when I got that 55percent, I proved theopposite.
I proved to myself that I did not deserve to bethere.
In the months afterthat, I remember actually this really specific instance of writing this other essay and going back and forth and back and forth on the openingline, almost feeling like I was going tocry, feeling paralyzed by thispaper.
Like is thisgood? I think itis.
I think this isgood. But how can Itell?
Because I thought that my last paper wasgood.
And I waswrong. And this leads back to impostersyndrome.
You want to know something reallyironic, but also quitefunny.
I find it funny atleast.
My very first episode of this podcast was on impostersyndrome.
That was over three yearsago.
And I don't think I have gotten any better at dealing with it despite all the years of work that I'vedone.
Imposter syndrome is rooted in a lot of that doubt that comes from a lot of those really corememories, and coreexperiences.
And no matter how much you prove to yourself that you deserve yoursuccesses, yourachievements, no matter how far you pushyourself, how much youdo, how much youachieve, you are constantly followed by this fear that one day the people around you or the people that matter are going to realize that you are afraud.
You are waiting for this other shoot adrop.
Despite the fact that you are probably really accomplished and reallydeserving, but because you don't trust your ownassessments, you can have all the evidence in theworld, all thepraise, all thepromotions,everything.
And you will still feel like you trickedsomebody.
You will still feel like somebody made a mistake or you just gotlucky.
The problem with imposter syndrome is that the experience of doing well at something does not change yourbeliefs.
That thought still nags in the back of yourhead.
You know what gives me the right to behere.
The more youaccomplish, the more you actually feel like afraud.
The more you feel like you've tricked even morepeople, it's as though you can't internalize your experience ofsuccess.
At the end of theday, it'sself-taught.
It's never feeling goodenough.
It's never feeling like you have the right to be where youare.
That imposter syndrome can push us to one end of the spectrum where we are so focused on overachieving and pushing ourselves harder and harder that we end up burningout.
We end up not being able to achieve anything that we want to because we are soexhausted.
And on the otherhand, it can also push us to the other end of the spectrum where we self sabotage or weself-handicap.
There is this quote that perfectly summarizes this forme.
People never rise above the opinions ofthemselves.
That is soharsh, but it is so true and it is exactly what I mean by self-handic tapping and selfsabotaging.
If your opinion is that you areundeserving, that you don't know what you'redoing, that you are out ofplace, people know you'refraud, you're not goodenough, that list goeson.
When the chance comes for you to prove otherwise and to step into a version of you that shows yourself that those beliefs arewrong, it is so uncomfortable and it contradicts so many of your beliefs that youself-handicap.
Self-handicapping is a behavior response to feeling uncertain about our abilities where we unconsciously find an outside source to blame for our behaviors that protect us from feelinginadequate.
If you're already going tofail, why not fail on your own terms to avoid the embarrassment of putting yourself outthere?
Why apply for that job you are objectively a perfect for if you believe you're going to berejected?
Why post that photo or put yourself out there online if you know people are already going to laugh atit?
Why ask that person on a date when you know they'll sayno, why not just save yourself theawkwardness?
It shows up in so manyways.
Hopefully you get what I'm gettingat.
Self-jump when uncontained causes us to unconsciously limit ourselves and limit our potential by letting sometimes life-changing opportunities pass us by and not acting because we can't possibly think that they'd be for somebody likeus.
The other way that this manifests is inindecisiveness, which some people would actually argue is a form of self-sabotage or a form of self-handicapping and unconscious form ofthat.
Youknow, indecisiveness involves very much overthinking and over-analyzing our decisions before we makethem, perhaps to the point that we neverdo.
Obviously it's a good thing to think through yourdecisions.
It's good to have some healthy level of skepticism andhumility, otherwise we do via too far into the path ofarrogance.
But if we are actually just scared tofail, or if we are actually just scared of making the wrong decision because we don't trust our ability to meet the demands of this new chapter of this newopportunity, we are actually self-abandoning before we even gave ourselves achance.
And it's devastating that we are the ones who said no throughout indecisiveness before anybody elsecould.
We were our kind of biggest enemies in those moments without perhaps even realizingit.
Because in ourmind, we were just trying to make the rightdecision.
We were just trying to really weigh up all the pros andcons, but actually that analysis paralysis is a way of making sure that we never have to push past the discomfort of proving ourselves doubtswrong.
It's interesting because people might call these kinds of individuals lazy or we might call them procrastinators because at facevalue, maybe that's what it lookslike, but underneath it all is this belief system that has become rotten byinsecurity.
That is invisible to everyone aroundus.
And the voice of that is our innercritic.
The voice of that is this very loud nagging sound in our head of like you can't dothat.
You're not goodenough.
Imagine everything that could gowrong.
Imagine whensomebody, somebody important is going to realize that you've lied that you're a fraud that you can'tperform.
Knowing what this may be costingus, youknow, our dreamlife, a richlife,love,friendship, moneyopportunities.
What do we do aboutit? How do we silence thatvoice, that innercritic, thatself-doubt?
I have so many tips foryou.
So many tips comingup, including the power of apersona, the power of an alterego, why we need exposure tofailure, and why we should be doubtingourselves,doubts.
All of that and more after this shortbreak.
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I'm AndreaGunning, host of the All NewPodcast, There andGone.
It's a real life story of two people who left a crowded Philadelphiabar, walked to their truck andvanished.
Nobody hearsanything, nobody seesanything.
Did they runaway? Was it anaccident?
Or were theymurdered? A truck and two people just don'tdisappear.
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Listen to There andGone, South Street on the I Heart Radio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get yourpodcasts.
Hilisteners, I'm AndreaGunning, host ofBetrayal.
This season on thepodcast, we follow Stacey Rutherford who thought she met her soulmate when she laid eyes onDr.
JustinRutherford. They fell in love and it was better than she everimagined.
But this family doctor beloved father and treasured husband had darksecrets.
He had sworn to do noharm, but would resort to any means necessary to savehimself.
I'm excited to share this Betrayal story with you and even more excited to tell you that you can get access to all episodes100% ad free with an I Heart True Crime Plus subscription available exclusively on ApplePodcasts.
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They don'texist. Find a black ladylibrarian.
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Listen to the Bright Side from Hello Sunshine on the I Heart Radioapp, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get yourpodcasts.
Knowing that we have negative doubts about ourselves is one thing I think addressing them is a whole other beast because we are essentially now tossed with undoing a whole beliefsystem.
One which you know the evidence would tell us has been around for many manyyears, probably longer than we have been aware ofit.
So let's break down how we can kind of regain control over yourself toout.
Firstly, really go behind your negative thoughts and your negative self beliefs and ask what are you actually afraidof?
What are your doubts supposedly warning youof?
What are they protecting youfrom?
What is this fear trying to tellyou?
Like we saidbefore, youknow, self-doubt is a form ofself-protection.
It'ssaying, youknow, failure in this circumstance isscary.
Judgment is scary and we don't want to be exposed tothat, so let's play itsafe.
And what I want you to do is almost like a pro-con analysis of what it would mean to listen to those self-doubt in live with the fear or to live in spite ofit.
Let me give you anexample.
Say you are thinking of moving it to a newcity, but you've been going back and forth on it for the last sixmonths.
You're doubtingyourself, youknow, can I do thisalone?
Am I the kind of person who does these things where I have to return in six months and admit that Ifailed, that I couldn't find ajob, that I couldn'tadapt, that I couldn't make newfriends.
What are people going to think ofme?
Some days you think you can do it and other days you don't think youcan, yourexperience, that really awful drop inself-confidence.
And so you hold off making thedecision.
But you feel like you're doing something because you're constantly analyzing and trying to essentially determine do I believe in myself enough to dothis?
What you might actually be afraidof, what might be fueling the self-doubt is actually morecomplex.
You're not just scared offailing, but you are scared of what othersthink.
You're scared of proving to yourself that you're notcapable.
You're scared ofloneliness, you're scared of your ability to tolerate change anduncertainty.
But what is the worst thing thatuncertainty, allloneliness, orchange, ortransition, can really do toyou?
Truly. You'll feeluncomfortable,yes, but you also won'tgrow.
It might behard. It will takecourage, but in a year's time you'll look back andthink, I'm so glad that I did this now and those memories are going to last for a longtime.
When you actually go behind yourselfdoubt, behind why you question your ability to do something and you look at what fears are holding up thatbelief, you realize that what your self-doubt is trying to protect you from is not as scary as what it is protecting you from notdoing, if that makessense.
The same goes for things that work or uni professionally in yourcareer.
What are you actually afraidof?
What are your self-doubt trying to protect you from by not going for thatpromotion, by not applying for thatjob, by not starting your ownbusiness, or creating something you are putting yourself outthere?
Is itembarrassment? Is it being seen and perceived byothers?
Is itfailure? Is it proving to yourself what you always thought that you don't deserve itanyways?
Again,firstly, those fears are probably99% of the time not going tohappen.
You're not going to embarrassyourself.
You're not going to be perceived by others in a negative way that it's going to harmyou.
But if theydo, is it worse than never trying atall?
Is the fear of the possibility of something bad happening worth the opportunity of something really goodhappening?
That can be hard to put intopractice, by theway.
I absolutelyunderstand.
But one of the ways that I do it is by personifying myself doubt and speaking directly to it with compassion andgratitude.
I know this sounds reallysilly, but just tryit.
Say to yourself doubtlike,hey, I really appreciate you looking out forme.
That is so nice ofyou. Thank you so much for anticipating thosethings.
I really appreciate all the extra work that you'redoing.
But I've got it fromhere.
I'm going to do itanyways.
We can revisit lateron.
We'll circleback. The thing to remember is that you are yourselfdoubts.
You ownthem. They come fromyou.
And so you can say no to them aswell.
You cansay,yeah,no, I actually don't believethat.
Sorry.Actually, youknow, that's probably not going tohappen.
So thank you for thatthought.
You're wrong movingon.
The other thing that really helps me with this and it helps me put things into perspective is to remind myself that otherpeople, people that I admire pretty much have the same internal self skepticism and doubts asme.
It's very easy to compare ourselves to the people aroundus.
These incredibly successful people and kind of believe that the only reason they have what we dream of is because they were always confident in their ability to do so or that everything has worked out for them that they have none of these self doubts when actually so many of thegreats, so many of the people we really admire have hadsetbacks.
They have had crippling doubts that they have had to overcome to be who they arenow.
The person I always think of when it comes to this is SimoneBiles.
The Olympics are comingup.
She's a greatexample. She is the most decoratedgymnast, the most one of the most accomplished Olympians inhistory.
A few years back she gave this interview saying that there had been so many times when she didn't think that she was goodenough.
When she was so hypercritical of her performance that in herwords, she couldn't remember a day where she didn'tcry.
We each come to our dreams and our desires and our plans withdoubts, even those who you would never believe would falter or for one second think that they weren't great because they are thebest.
Imposter syndrome still strikes themdown.
It's like the naturalequalizer.
And when you realize that even these incredibleathletes, incredible people have thesefeelings, you also begin to realize that maybe the only difference between them and maybe the people who aren't on thatpodium, maybeus, is that they didn't let that fear at the root of their self-doubt overwhelmthem.
Here is the other reason why I think having these kinds of realistic idols and seeing these examples and hearing them speak about it is so helpful for soothing ourselvesdoubts.
It really helps us ask thequestion, youknow, why notme?
Why can't I havethat? Why can't I beher?
Why can't I dream big or take the chances that theyhave?
Because we have the sameself-doubt.
They've just found a place forthem.
They've set theexample.
They have proven that it'spossible.
And now it's kind of yourturn.
Maybe you don't want to be an Olympicgymnast, but youknow, whatever it is that you are strivingtowards, there is an example of somebody in that professional in your career who has experienced the most crippling form of self-doubt and pushed beyondit.
And I want us to just sit for a second and really ponder thatquestion.
Whatever it is that your self-doubt is keeping you backfrom, why notyou?
And I want you to give me at least threereasons.
Chances are youcan't, because your fear and your self-doubt is not actuallyrational.
It's just kind of betting on you listening to it blindly and obeying what it's telling you todo.
Beingindecisive, it's betting on you not takingrisks, it's betting on you playing itsafe.
When actually when you really drill down intoit, the reasons to not do something are often a lot less persuasive than the reasons to dosomething.
Here's how we counteractthat.
Make a persona foryourself.
Create a version ofyou.
Visualize a character that would do all the things that you believe that youcan't.
Base that persona off of the people youadmire, who did what you dream todo, even if they'refictional.
Base that persona off of your ideal vision of your future self or your idols or your wildest dreams and give them aname.
And then the question is between doubting yourself and doing thething, whatever itis, askyourself,okay, what would my personado?
What would this version of me who is everything I want tobe, who is all the great parts of everybody else that I love and Iadmire?
Would they take therisk?
Youknow, they wouldn't thinktwice.
Would they put themselves outthere?
Of course theywould. Would they wear this weirdoutfit?
Of course theywould. And there yougo.
They are the justification for doing all the things that you maybe wouldn't dootherwise.
Belike, youknow,well, I wasn't going to take that solotrip, butPatricia, my alter ego mademe, she wanted me togo.
So I guess I have togo. I wasn't going to apply for that promotion or ask that personout,but, youknow, Ronaldo would doit.
And I've gotto, youknow, do it forRonaldo.
I've got to do it for this alterego.
I've got to be this version and vision of me that I believe in and that ispossible.
Become thatpersona, become this alterego, youknow, make them responsible for the things that you are scared todo.
The benefits of this areamazing, great toperformance, great toconfidence, morewillpower, quicker decisionmaking, inpsychology, it's called the Batmaneffect.
And the reason it works is because it allows us to separate ourselves from all the negativebeliefs, ourpast, ourmemories, whatever is holding usback.
And it projects only the best parts of ourselves ontothis, youknow, I don't want to sayfalse, this fantasy version ofus.
It kind of reigns in the undesirable feelings that are holding us back through this very effective form of selfdistancing.
When I want to stop getting in my ownway, I think about what Gemma with a G woulddo.
She wouldn't think about other opinions before herown.
Gemma with a G is totallyconfident, totallyself-aware.
She wouldn't doubt herself before she expressed what she wasfeeling.
She wouldn't stop herself saying yes to cool things or going places where she knew noone.
That's what Gemma with a G woulddo.
And I want to do right byher.
So try this persona alter ego tip for just aweek.
Apply it when necessary and see if it changesanything.
Think it's almost like thinking from a place of your ideal self rather than your scared self rather than your doubtingself.
If your self doubt is especially linked to procrastination andindecisiveness, I would also say train yourself to not do things perfectly everytime.
Treat failure like an assignment almost and justdo.
Go to the gym even if you don't end up workingout,right?
You stillwent. You still made a decision togo.
Wear an outfit even if you know it doesn't look great just for like a couple ofhours.
Put your hand up to host that event or to go to that wrong club or anything that means you will show up even if you don't show up perfectly because what matters most is just being decisive anddoing.
That is what we are trying to train ourselvesinto.
You are allowed to makemistakes.
You don't have to do itperfectly.
That'sokay. And you build up this tolerance for failure and failure is often the thing that our self doubt is most scaredof.
It's like when you do cold waterplungers,right?
It feels so terrible at the beginning but soon you begin to relax into it and realize that this actually isn't thatscary.
This actually isn'tdangerous.
My brain is just trying to convince me that it is to protectme.
This also doesn't give us time to get stuck in the analysis loop of do I doit, do Inot, am Ideserving, am Inot?
Because our assignment is to disregard those things and justdo.
It's thatsimple. Make it thatsimple.
Just doit. Oh mygod. Hopefully I don't get sued by Nike for using theirphrase.
That was completelyaccidental.
Butagain, ask thequestion, what are you truly afraidof?
Get behind thosefears.
And is there a chance that your doubts areincorrect?
That is the final part ofthis.
My final tip for thisepisode.
Question what your brain is trying to convince you isfact.
And remember that if your doubts came fromyou, there is a possibility that they might be biased or maybewrong.
A lot of the time they are based on this incorrect or faultyevidence.
Youknow, this faulty evidence from our past experiences that incorrectly made us assume that we weren'tworthy, we weren'tvaluable, we weren'ttalented, we weren'tintelligent.
And because those doubts are actually originating from inside ofyou, they are having an internalorigin.
Onceagain, you can choose tosay,yeah, youknow, I don't think that'sright.
I'm just going to choose to not believe thistoday.
I'm going to choose to not believe that I don't deservethis.
I'm going to believe that there wasn't a mistake that I didn't just get lucky that I'm here for a reason because that belief and myself doubt are both coming from me and they both have the capacity to betrue.
So I'm going to do itanyways.
I'm going to be myselfanyways.
I'm going to show upanyways.
Some final reminders because youknow, I love to close my episodes out with a little hip talk to hype you guys up to get you to apply what I'm hoping you'velearned.
Please remember that most of us don't just explode right out thegate.
Most of us do spend some time doubting our own abilities in somecapacity.
The difference is whether you let that define your reality or you let it just be athought.
It can be hard when your inner critic is loud but onceagain, your inner critic is your ownvoice.
You and your inner critic are one and thesame.
So you are actually able to replace those beliefs with a better and more real understanding of who youare, which is someone who iscompetent,confident, a risk-taker willing to bet onthemselves, someone who learns from setbacks and who if you've made it this far is obviously deeply committed to becoming your bestself.
So don't let yourself be to blame for I guess holding youback.
Don't youknow, get to the end of your life and realize that nobody ever actually said no or turned you away or turned youdown.
You did it before they even had thechance.
So you never really youknow, put yourself in therunning.
I don't want that to be yourreality.
So I'm giving you a big hug through the microphone and a big you can fucking do it because you can you absolutely can yourself doubts do not control you and as always I just really hope that you enjoyed thisepisode.
At the least I hope that you learned something new aboutyourself, about your life or about yourpsychology.
As always if you feel like there was somebody in your life who could benefit from this please feel free to share withthem.
Make sure that you are following along for newepisodes.
I just got to say we got some amazing ones coming outsoon.
I am so excited for next week's episode inparticular.
Maybe it's already out by the time you're listening to this but listen to that one next if that is thecase.
And if you could give us a five star review on Apple podcasts or Spotify that also really helps the show to grow and reach a newaudience.
If you enjoyed thisepisode, if you have feedback and more importantly if you have a topicsuggestion, something about the psychology of your 20s that we have not yetcovered, I would love to hear fromyou.
Make sure that you are following along at that psychology podcast or you can follow me at Gemma's bake and until next time besafe, bekind, be gentle to yourself and we will talksoon.
My name is Curly and I'm Maya and welcome to the Super Secret Bestie ClubsPodcast.
A super secret club where we talk about super secretthings.
Yeah like secrets that aresuper.
That's when itis. In each episode we'll talk aboutlove,friendship,heartbreak, men and of course our favoritesecrets.
Get inhere! Listen to the Super Secret BestieClub, I'm Ihar RadioApp, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get yourpodcasts.
Heyy'all,Dr. Joyhere.
I invite you to join me every Wednesday on the Therapy for Black GirlsPodcast, a weekly chat about mental health and personal development where my expert guests and I discuss the unique challenges and triumphs faced by black women through the lens ofself-care, pop culture and building the best version ofyou.
So if you're looking for more ways to incorporate wellness into yourlife, listen to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcasts on the Ihar RadioApp, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get yourpodcasts.
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I'm Danielle Robay and we're the host of the rightside, the daily podcast from Hello Sunshine that is guaranteed to light up yourday.
Every week day we bring you conversations with the culture makers who inspireus, like a recent episode withactor, activist and 90s icon TatianaAli.
Something got freed up in me where it was justlike, do what you imagine because this is all imaginationanyway.
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Hilisteners, I'm AndreaGunning, host ofBetrayal.
This season on the podcast we follow Stacey Rutherford who thought she met her soulmate when she laid eyes onDr.
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