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Hey there, it's Mr. Eric.
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We're all out of the ordinary.
Hey there, folks.
This is a really fun remastered episode.
I added new sound effects, removed some clicks and pops, and gave it all a better balance.
It was recorded in 2021, when Farrelly's was still president and many of us were starting to meet again in real life after being cooped up for quite a while.
I hope you enjoy it, and we'll be back next week with a brand new episode.
Plus, on Thursday, we'll have a little Stump Mr. Eric sneak peek, so look out for it.
On with the show!
The show where your questions and ideas inspire off-the-cuff stories or, in this case, an off-the-cuff press conference.
Mine, Petey the Press Secretie.
It's pronounced Press Secretary.
Not when I say it.
Well, okay.
And President Fair Elise and I are here to answer all of your questions.
Well, more questions than usual, but not quite all of them.
I've got a question.
Yarr, we're jumping right in.
Go ahead, you slimy, human-shaped figure.
Ah, who am I and why am I here?
How am I supposed to know?
Em, the letters, Petey.
Oh, right, right, right.
I forgot that most of our questions today come from listeners who actually sent Mr. Eric snail mail.
Let me just get out of here.
This one's from Polly, who asks What if Venom spelt V-E-N-U-M?
Importantly, What if Venom, the slime shaped like a human, appeared in?
What If World?
Does that answer your question?
So I am Venom, and I appeared here because...
Of Polly's?
Precisely, Polly the Pirate presumably pondered upon your precipitous appearance.
And so here ye be.
Am I going to get to do anything today?
The press conference is still young.
I'm sure you'll have plenty of opportunities to interact.
Wendiana Joan here from the Owl of Time Towns.
Yes, Wendiana.
President Fair Elise.
Can you tell us what is with all the fluffy, cuddly stuff around?
I am so glad that you asked, Wendiana.
For you see, Our patron Teddy asked, what if all the coziest items in the world surrounded you?
And we figured, since this is the first time many of you have gathered in one place socially, that you might need a security fluffy to kind of cuddle and feel better.
Follow-up question, is that why Petey the Pirate is snuggling that plush turtle?
Yarr, I forgot how to talk to people, unless I'm hugging old Tito the Turtle.
And the turtle is not alive are just one of those few things in What If World that isn't gonna come alive.
Does that mean some of the things around us are going to come alive?
I'm a bit surprised they haven't already.
Next question.
Popolo here from Popolo's News.
Ah Popolo, I'm sure you have a hard-hitting question about the many sweeping reforms I have made throughout What If World?
In my short tenure as president.
Actually, I wanted to see if we could read this comic book created and mailed in by Griffin.
How can you read a comic if people can't see it?
I don't know.
I figured Mr. Eric could give a little narration, fill in the blanks.
What a bubble.
I thought I had this story off.
Well, this is highly unorthodox.
But then again, so is a press conference where you read letters.
So go ahead.
Our friend Griffin asks, What if JFK started an avalanche of 500 cans of tuna?
And then he answered his own question with a comic.
So that makes our lives pretty easy.
Your story starts after a quick break.
Oh, that's really fun to say.
Hey, grown-ups.
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Actually, that's the one I play by myself when I want to get a really good workout.
Even better, Playground is kid-safe, with no ads, in-app purchases or mature content is the perfect way to turn screen time into active family time this fall.
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Visit nextplayground.com.
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Hi, grown-ups.
Today, Fred and I got to meet someone very special.
Cooper, the little live pet's ouchies puppy.
Oh, boy, Mr. Eric, when I first met Cooper, he had a little limp and a rosy glow to his cheeks.
He needed my help.
That's right, Fred.
Cooper isn't just cute.
He's interactive, with over 50 sounds and reactions.
He'll whimper when he's hurt and even try to walk.
But don't worry, puppies.
I mean, kiddos.
You get to help Cooper feel better.
You can put on his splint, wet the bandages, wrap them up and ta-da, you've made them a real cast, just like a vet would.
And once the cast dries, you can decorate it however you like.
Then give Cooper lots of love and care.
And when he's ready, Cooper will play his happy sound woof woof, to let you know it's time to take off the cast.
He'll lift his head, rest his paw, and walk to his cheerful song.
Plus, Cooper comes with a puppy carrier that transforms into a vet tray, so you can bring your new friend anywhere and keep helping him heal.
I love helping Cooper feel better.
It's like real vet play. but with extra puppy cuddles.
Grownups, bring home Little Live Pets Cooper the Ouchie Puppy today.
Available at all major retailers.
J.F.
Cat didn't know much, but he knew that he was hungry.
I'm so hungry, but I do not know what to make.
He snarled, pacing around in agitation.
I hope my book of tuna comes soon.
Mr. Mouser!
Yeah!
J.F.
Cat?
J.F.
Cat picked up Mr. Mouser and held him very close to his face.
When is my book of tuna coming?
Ding dong.
J.F.
Cat smiled widely and zoomed off to answer the door, leaving Mr Mouser floating temporarily in the air.
I don't think this is how gravity works.
Ow.
It's here, meowed J.F.
Cat, holding up the book of tuna.
Not to be confused with a book full of tuna.
It was a book full of delicious tuna recipes.
So he went over to his cabinet, opened wide and... There's no more tuna.
Simply a spiderweb in the corner.
And is that a suspiciously well-fed looking spider?
But the spider simply gave an eight-legged shrug and ignored JFK.
This can't be.
How much tuna have I been eating?
Well, don't you remember earlier this morning?
Hmm.
It took a while, but I opened 500 cans of tuna and filled this conveniently empty swimming pool, said JFK, holding a knife and fork while balancing at the very end of a very high diving board, overlooking this pool of tuna.
Yum.
I don't understand.
Did I eat the tuna?
Yes, I think that was implied by the flashback.
Then I guess I'll go shopping.
One and a half hours and 500 cans of tuna later.
Ah, this is impossible to pull, said JFK.
Struggling with a red wagon that was overflowing with 500 extra large cans of tuna.
Good thing I'm nearing the top of this hill.
Going down the other side should be especially easy.
So I'm gonna just focus on pulling this wagon and not look behind me.
And so when JFK crested what he thought was a hill, he didn't look back to see that, in fact, he was stepping over the edge of a cliff.
Meow to simply pull it down the gentle slope and get all of my cans of tuna.
JFCat was hanging from the edge of this cliff with one paw, his other paw somehow managing to hold on to the handle of his wagon, while can after can tumbled out of the wagon onto the jagged rocks below.
Help!
I'm dropping my tuna!
J.F.
Cat wasn't going to let go of this tuna or this cliff, but the cliff had other ideas.
Now I need help too!
Fortunately, at that very moment, Fred the Dog had been flying with his helicopter tongue to go visit his friend JF.
Cat.
Oh no, J.F.
Cat, you're falling!
I know, save me!
Oh yeah, easy.
And also all my tuna!
Wait, uh, that's actually gonna be hot.
Just do it.
Fred the dog flung his tongue around his friend and tugged the tuna with trepidation, while clicking his claws with a clammer all across the cliff.
My tongue is not strong enough.
And then Fred slid off the edge too.
Abramosham!
Encanted abacus pea grumbler who had appeared atop the avalanche of fallen tuna cans.
And so the tuna, the other tuna, and the more tuna all turned into marshmallows.
The very last extra large can of tuna in this avalanche turned into a big fluffy marshmallow as JFKat finished falling.
That was pretty close.
And then half a cliff landed on top of him.
Oh, good thing this is What If World.
Well, that cliff could have really hurt him.
Hey, Abacus, what are you doing there?
I heard the distinct thunder of free-falling tuna.
So you're not here to teach us a lesson?
No, we've got to get back to the press conference.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
And at that very moment, JFK woke up.
Phew.
Yeah well, I know, it was just a dream, said JFK, climbing off of his soft marshmallow bed, which was mysteriously shaped like an extra-large can of tuna fish.
Mr. Mouser, has my book of tuna arrived yet?
The end.
My goodness, Griffin, what an amazing comic book.
I hope my narrating did it justice, Griffin.
I know our story was a little different from your comic and I can't thank you enough for inspiring this story we got to tell together.
Mr. Eric, I hate to interrupt, but we be running out of time.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Please, finish your press conference.
We do have a final question with a letter and a drawing from Sophia, age 10, of Maryland.
She asks what if Fred the dog found a stick that came to life and they saved the world from evil squirrels?
Oh, dear.
Well, I just realized that half of the cuddly, fluffy things around here are squirrel dolls.
Hey, everybody.
Sorry I'm late to the press conference.
I just met my new friend Twiggy, and she wanted to say hi to everybody.
Fred the dog slobber mutated my stick DNA, bringing me to life.
Frankly, I'm surprised it hasn't happened before.
Yarr, Fred, you're here just in time.
Oh good, you got more sticks?
No, but we do have evil squirrels who just came to life.
Yarr with torpedo tails and acorn cannonballs.
Sorry, I had to cough up some stuffing in order to speak properly.
I am Squirrelfear, here to liberate What If World from Theralise's reign of tyranny.
Tyranny?
I think you are mistaken.
I am working to create opportunity and art. protect the environment, and reform our judicial system.
Well, that all sounds pretty good, but we showed up here with our torpedo tails and our acorn cannonballs, so I feel like we've got to have a sort of epic battle.
You know, good versus evil, that whole thing.
Well, I have existed for 30 seconds longer than you, and in that time I learned that the dichotomy of good versus evil is inherently problematic.
Yeah, it's like one side gets wronged over and over again and then they do something wrong because they're sick of being wronged, and then the other side thinks that they have been wronged even though they did the wronging first, and then it keeps going back and forth.
And most people just let it because it's not affecting them that much.
So you're saying we don't get to blow anything up?
Excuse me, Wendy and Joan.
All the time times.
We're actually running out of time.
But I could take all you squirrels with me to a future where every stuffed animal is alive.
And they're treated equitably, along with every other living creature.
Oh, but then none of us would have learned anything.
Yeah, I want to help my new squirrel friends to build a world where all sticks and squirrels and talking creatures can get along.
Oops, my tail went off.
Please, I didn't mean it.
I was built with a live torpedo for a tail.
And I've got a tongue that's too long for my mouth.
We've all got challenges in this life and Yarr, yarr.
Everything's a complex tapestry, but we really are out of time.
I feel like I doesn't get to do much.
Sorry, Venom, spelled V-E-N-U-M.
You could use your natural sliminess to stick back the roof of the what-house that that torpedo just shot through.
Ah, rebuilding.
Perhaps that is my calling.
I'm bored.
The end.
Of the press conference.
Oh, yeah, of course, Speedy, sorry.
Well, Sophia, Griffin, and Polly, I hope you enjoyed your story.
I also want to thank Levi, age 5, from Laurel Mississippi, who mailed in his own wonderful what-if that we didn't quite have time for.
What do you think about JFK's obsession with tuna?
What would you do if you met someone that was so obsessed with one kind of food?
How might you get them curious about trying new things?
Ooh, and in that final story, they brought up that very tricky debate about good versus evil.
Now this is one that grown-ups and kids have discussed for ages, and there aren't really any easy answers.
But do you think that someone who has made villainous choices could someday learn to make better choices?
What about someone who has chosen kindness?
At almost every opportunity.
Is that person still capable of making a mistake?
Or are they just always good because of those past good decisions?
Hmm.
These are some big thoughts that you should talk over with your grown-up.
And who knows, they might even inspire your next what-if question.
When they do, get your grown-up's permission to email hello at whatifworldpodcast.com.
You can send your what-ifs in writing or...
I'll include that in the show notes for you in case you didn't get it the first time.
And if you'd like to support the show to get ad-free episodes, full monthly bonus episodes of Stump Mr. Eric, and all our past bonus content, please check us out at whatifworldpodcast.com slash support.
I'd like to thank Karen O'Keefe, my co-creator, Craig Martinson, for our theme song, my helper, Miss Lynn, and all you kids at home who know it takes a while to find out your passion and what motivates you.
So keep exploring, keep trying new things.
And until we meet again, keep wondering.
