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[The NFL Pre-Season Movie Draft: Pairing AFC and NFC Teams with 80s and 90s Action Classics]-[2025 NFL Teams as Classic Action Movies, With Kyle Brandt and Joe House]

The Bill Simmons Podcast · B2 · 2025-08-25

Sports
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📋 Summary

The Ultimate NFL-Action Movie Crossover

In a unique episode of The Bill Simmons Podcast, Bill Simmons, Joe House, and Kyle Brandt engage in a creative "gimmick" draft: assigning 1984–1996 action movies to every NFL team based on their current profiles, expectations, and "vibes" for the upcoming season. The participants acted as "sommeliers" of cinema, categorizing films into divisions like the Stallone, Schwarzenegger, and the "Wildcard" division to build a coherent, albeit chaotic, landscape of the 2025 NFL season.

AFC: Powerhouses and Unpredictable Narratives

The AFC draft began with high-profile picks reflecting the conference's top-tier contenders. Kyle Brandt kicked things off by assigning Rocky IV to the Kansas City Chiefs, describing Patrick Mahomes as the "unstoppable force" Drago and Travis Kelce as the lovable, aging sidekick Paulie. Bill Simmons countered with the Buffalo Bills as Cliffhanger, framing the team's ongoing search for a Super Bowl as Stallone’s 1993 comeback attempt, complete with "misplaced anger and blame" mirroring the frustration of the Buffalo fan base.

Joe House, acting as the third sommelier, selected the Baltimore Ravens as Action Jackson, citing the team’s reloading of defensive identity and Lamar Jackson’s explosive, window-smashing playstyle as the perfect match for the Carl Weathers classic. The draft continued through the conference, with the Chargers identified as Total Recall due to their "wild man" coach Jim Harbaugh and the recurring, haunting nature of their playoff history. The Denver Broncos were labeled as Predator, with the panel arguing that Denver is the "alien in the jungle" that nobody sees coming, while the Houston Texans were paired with Passenger 57.

NFC: The Quest for Identity

In the NFC, the team dynamics shifted toward younger, more experimental squads. The Detroit Lions were assigned Under Siege, with Brandt highlighting the "meathead coach" Dan Campbell persona as a perfect match for the film's gritty, underdog intensity. The Philadelphia Eagles received Rambo: First Blood Part II, a choice justified by the team’s tendency to "blow things out" and add "steroids"—both literally and figuratively—to their successful core.

The Green Bay Packers were paired with Point Break, reflecting a young team that, like the film, delivered a massive surprise hit despite initial skepticism. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers were assigned Toy Soldiers, a nod to the scrappy, underdog nature of Baker Mayfield, while the Seattle Seahawks were dubbed Sudden Death, a "nobody believes in us" movie that requires a chaotic, high-stakes performance to survive.

Themes of the Draft

The episode served as more than just a pop-culture exercise; it functioned as a deep dive into the psychological state of various NFL franchises. The participants repeatedly touched upon the "law of averages" for second-year quarterbacks, the skepticism surrounding veteran QBs like Aaron Rodgers, and the "unintentional comedy" often found in both the Las Vegas Raiders and the movie Kickboxer.

By the end of the draft, the panel acknowledged that while some picks—like the Rams falling to 15th—were products of the draft’s chaotic pace, the exercise successfully captured the uncertainty and excitement of the pre-season. The episode concluded with a look ahead to the Ringer 107 project, where Simmons and his guests will attempt to make 107 picks throughout the NFL season, aiming for a 55% success rate in a competitive, high-stakes environment.

🎯Key Sentences

1
I'm not going to mess around here.
2
But we're plowing ahead anyway.
3
That's just... He tells everything about you.
4
And he's fucking back.
5
I'm up now. Go on.
Expand All

📝Key Phrases

1
crack the code
2
go all out
3
plow ahead
4
off the board
5
zero sum game
Expand All

📖 Transcript

The Bill Simmons Podcast is presented by The Ringer. podcast network where you can find a new episode of the rewatchables coming on Monday night.
We did Witness. It was me and Mallory Rubin.
It is the 399th movie. we've done on the rewatchables it was a really fun one uh we had a couple pods that are launching and relaunching.
We launched last week The Ringer Tailgate, a college football podcast with Tate Frazier, Van Lathan.
Joe Anderson. First one's up. They're going to be going live, uh, after the late college football games, on Saturday, so around 4 p.m.
Pacific time. I thought the first episode was really, really good.

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