Well Sheldon, it took me all morning, but I found the owner of the video store and I am happy to report that he died peacefully in his sleep, drunk at the bottom of a pool.
Anyway, there is no one to return the DVD to, so this issue is resolved.
And I'd just like to point out that, even though the sweater was uncomfortable, I didn't use it as an excuse to antagonize everyone around me.
You know, you could reimburse the video store owner's next of kin.
Or it's resolved.
Hey, that next of kin thing sounds pretty good.
This is yours.
Okay, Sheldon, I am out of options.
Video store owner Nurses Manukian has no next of kin.
Well, you seem hot under the collar.
Or is that the sweater?
Oh no no no, it's because I spent all afternoon at the Armenian church where his funeral mass was held.
According to Father Solakian, no one attended.
Luckily, my trip wasn't a complete waste.
I lit a candle and prayed for your death, but I'm not Armenian, so it probably won't work.
This is over, right?
Not necessarily.
I suggest you look for long lost relatives, either in Armenia or Lebanon.
Listen to me, Sheldon.
I am not going to Lebanon to return Super Mario Brothers the movie!
It might be fun.
You love hummus.
Why isn't this bothering you?
Isn't your brain getting itchy?
This is on your card.
This could be ruining your credit score.
Why isn't this making you crazy?
Women.
I have something to tell you, but I want you to promise not to flip out.
To what?
Seven years ago, I found out the DVD was late and I paid for it.
What?
I was going to mention it at the time, but then I thought someday this might be a teachable moment.
What?!
Oh, this is so exciting!
Hey, when we sell the Bitcoin, are you gonna pay your dad back all the money you took from him over the years?
I never even crossed my mind.
Okay, here's the Bitcoin folder.
Yeah?
How much is in there?
It's empty.
What?
That's impossible.
Do you think Zack stole it?
He doesn't know how to steal Bitcoin.
He waves at trucks.
Hmm.
Who could it have been?
Sheldon, what did you do?
I plotted my revenge.
If you get a dish, I'll serve you some cold.
You stole our Bitcoin?
Oh, calm down.
All I did was sneak onto your computer and download your Bitcoin onto a flash drive.
What?
I'm not keeping it.
I just wanted to watch you sweat.
If you want to watch him sweat, walk up a flight of stairs with him.
I've waited seven long years, but it finally happened.
Where's our money?
That's the best part.
It's on the Batman flash drive on your keychain.
You've had it in your pocket all along.
Sheldon, I lost that keychain years ago.
Really?
Did you look under things?
Well, that is unfortunate.
I guess we have all learned a lesson today.
What was the lesson?
I don't know.
Leonard Hofstadter is in a relationship.
What?
No.
No, that's not right.
Oh, man, did you switch your status before she did?
Speaking as an expert, way to look needy.
Seriously?
You went first after only two weeks?
That's bold.
It's not bold.
It's a mistake.
I didn't change my status.
Well, then who did?
I had no choice.
He cried in front of her.
You hacked my Facebook account?
Oh, it's hardly hacking when you use the same password for everything, Kal-El.
Are you insane?
Now she's going to think I'm desperate.
You've destroyed this relationship.
And you want to know.
The worst part is, you don't even understand what you did wrong, because you can't conceive of something that you are not an expert in.
In which I am not.
Don't even.
Don't want to hear another word out of you.
What's wrong, Lassie?
Timmy fall down the well?
Oh, wow.
She just updated her Facebook status.
Stephanie Barnett is in a relationship with Leonard Hofstetter.
Really?
Oh, look at that.
I have a girlfriend.
If I'm permitted to speak again, Dr. Sheldon Cooper, for the win.
A little clear on the plan?
Yes, Kuther Polly's going to wet himself.
I'm gonna throw up, Sheldon's gonna run away and you're going to die.
Shall we synchronize our watches?
Yes, there are four of us and one of him.
Which means his triumph will be even larger.
Minstrels will write songs about him.
Okay, how about this?
I'll do the talking, you just stand behind me and try to look... formidable.
I should have peed before we left.
Hi, Kurt.
Lenny, right?
I don't really go by Lenny, but that's okay.
You remember Sheldon, Howard, and Raj?
No.
What do you want?
You don't remember me.
How could he not remember me?
Sheldon, not now.
I remember him.
Okay, here it is.
Penny's in kind of a financial jam, and the money that you owe her would go a long way to solving her problems.
And she sent you to get it from me?
No, no, she's too proud to ask for the money.
I, on the other hand, feel you should honor your debt.
You do?
Feel is kind of a strong word.
I think it'd be a nice gesture on your part.
She'll get it when she gets it.
Well, there you go.
Problem solved.
A successful quest.
Now let's find a gas station with a clean bathroom.
No, the problem isn't solved.
He just blew us off.
I've got it.
He didn't remember me because the last time we met, I was in a Halloween costume.
Come on, Leonard.
Let's go.
No, you can leave if you want to.
I'm going to see this through.
I guess technically that was my fault.
I'm not leaving here without Penny's money.
What happened to your backup?
I don't need backup.
I have Wright on my side.
And I'm wearing cargo shorts under my pants.
Congratulations.
You may not have succeeded in getting cash, but you did secure a formal acknowledgement of the debt.
Maybe we should have your head notarized.
Sheldon, why is this letter in the trash?
Well, there's always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter.
But Occam's razor would suggest that someone threw it out.
It's from the Institute for Experimental Physics.
They want us to present our paper on the properties of super solids at the topical conference on Bose-Einstein condensates.
I know.
I read it before I threw it out.
If I may drill down to the bedrock of my question, why did you throw it out?
Because I have no interest in standing in the rose room of the Pasadena Marriott in front of a group of judgmental strangers who wouldn't recognize true genius if it were standing in front of them giving a speech.
Which if I were there, it would be.
I don't know, Sheldon, those topical conference on Bose-Einstein condensates parties are legendary.
Forget the parties?
Forget the parties?
What a nerd.
Are there any other honors I've gotten that I don't know about?
Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it?
Leonard, please don't take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize is the day I begin my research on the drag coefficient of tassels on flying carpets.
The only thing missing from that insult was your mama.
I got one.
Hey, Leonard, your mama's research methodology is so flawed.
Shut up, Howard.
Sheldon, we have to do this.
No, we don't.
We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep our cells from dying.
Everything else is optional.
Okay, let me put it this way.
I'm doing it.
You can't.
I'm the lead author.
Come on.
The only reason you're the lead author is because we went alphabetically.
I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation of dealing with the fact that it was my idea.
Not to put too fine a point on it, but I was throwing you a bone.
You're welcome.
Excuse me, I designed the experiment to prove the hypothesis.
It doesn't need proving.
So the entire scientific community is just supposed to take your word?
They're not supposed to, but they should.
All right, I don't care what you say.
I'm going to the conference and I'm presenting our findings.
And I forbid it.
You forbid it?
If I'm not taking credit for our work, then nobody is.
So you admit that it's our work?
No, once again, I'm throwing you a bone.
And once again, you are welcome.
Oh, no, he didn't.
Are there any questions?
Yeah, what the hell was that?
Any other questions?
Dr. Sheldon Cooper here.
I am the lead author of this particular paper.
Thank you.
And you sir, you have completely skipped over the part where I was walking through the park and I saw these children on a merry-go-round, which started me thinking about the moment of inertia in gases like helium at temperatures approaching absolute zero.
It's just an anecdote.
It's not science.
Oh, oh, I see.
It was the apple falling on Newton's head.
Was that just an anecdote?
You are not Isaac Newton.
No, no, that's true.
Gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple.
You cannot possibly be that arrogant.
You continue to underestimate me, my good man.
Look, if you weren't happy with my presentation, then maybe you should have given it with me.
As I've explained repeatedly, unlike you, I don't need validation from lesser minds.
No offense.
Really?
So why did you come?
Because I knew you'd screw this up.
Maybe I didn't go to college when I was 11 like you.
Maybe I got my doctorate at 24 instead of 16.
But you are not the only person who is smarter than everyone else in this room.
No offense.
And I am clearly not the only person who is tormented by insecurity and has an ego in need of constant validation.
So you admit you're an egotist?
Yes.
My name is Dr Leonard Hofstetter and I could never please my parents, so I need to get all my self-esteem from strangers like you.
But he's worse!
Okay, that is it.
Stop it.
You cannot blow up my head with your mind.
Then I'll settle for an aneurysm.
Stop it.
You hit me.
You saw that.
He hit me.
I'm trying to blow up my head.
So it was working.
It wasn't.
It was not.
You are a nutcase.
Oh, see about that.
Heads up, you people in the front row.
This is a splash zone.
Stop it.
Quit it.
Is this usually how these physics things go?
More often than you think.
You can start sorting protons and neutrons while I build carbon atoms.
No, I don't think so.
We need to go home now.
But I'm still working.
If you don't come out of there, I'm gonna have to drag you out.
You can try, but you'll never catch me.
For God's sakes!
Come here!
Bazinga.
Bazinga.
Bazinga.
Bazinga.
Bazinga.
Come here!
Bazinga.
Bazinga.
Bazinga!
Bazinga!
Bazinga!
You left your underwear in the dryer downstairs.
These are not mine.
Really?
They have your little name label in them.
Yeah, no, I use those just to polish up my spearfishing equipment.
I spearfish.
When I'm not crossbow hunting, I spear...
Penny, this is Sheldon's twin sister, Missy.
Missy, this is our neighbor, Penny.
Hi.
Wow, you don't look that much alike.
Can I get a hallelujah?
Fraternal twins come from two separate eggs.
They are no more alike than any other siblings.
Hallelujah!
Hey, guess what?
I've been accepted as a test subject for a new miracle drug to overcome pathological shyness.
Oh, good for you, Raj.
Yes, I'm very hopeful.
Hello, Missy.
They mentioned there may be side effects.
I am Shiva the Destroyer.
I will have the woman.
I'm warning you, I was judo champion at math camp.
All right, that's enough juvenile squabbling.
Stop it.
Stop it, I say.
I'm going to settle this right now.
Neither of you are good enough for my sister.
Who are you to decide that?
He's the man of his family.
You have to respect his wishes.
You're out too, by the way.
Say what?
It's nothing personal.
I'd just prefer if my future niece or nephew didn't become flatulent every time they ate an Eskimo pie.
What are you so happy about?
I'm not happy.
It's the medication.
I can't stop smiling.
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Take that!
You want some more?
And ease down.
Come on, come on, get up!
Stay down, bitch.
Yeah!
Natural selection at work.
I weep for humanity.
Excuse me while I go tell Missy the good news.
Oh, hi, Penny.
How's it going?
Listen, that guy Mike that you were dating, is that still going on?
Uh, pretty much.
Why?
Nothing, just catching up.
By the way, may I speak to Missy, please?
Of course.
Hi, Leonard.
What's up?
Well, since you're leaving tomorrow, I was wondering if you'd like to go to dinner with me.
That's so sweet.
But no thanks.
Oh.
Do you have other plans or... No.
Oh.
All right.
Uh... Enjoy the rest of your evening.
Thanks.
See ya.
What do you see?
What do you see?
I can't... The living room appears to be empty.
Okay, he must be in his bedroom.
My spare glasses are in my bedroom on my dresser next to my bat signal.
I'm not going in there.
Raj?
No way, Jose.
Look, I can't do it.
I can't see anything.
It's all right.
Wireless mini-cam and Bluetooth headset will be your eyes.
Fine.
One more thing.
This is a subsonic impact sensor.
If Sheldon gets out of bed and starts to walk, this device will register it and send the signal to the laptop.
At that point, based on the geography of the apartment and the ambulatory speed of a sick Sheldon, you'll have seven seconds to get out glasses or no glasses.
Won't my footsteps set it off?
No, you'll be on your hands and knees.
Now you'll need to get the sensor as close as you can to Sheldon's room.
How do I carry it if I'm on my hands and knees?
Stay low.
Bare left.
Now keep true.
What?
It means go straight.
They just say go straight.
You don't say go straight when you're giving bearings.
You say keep true.
All right.
I just hit my head.
Because you didn't keep true.
The picture's breaking up.
Angle your head to the right.
Now a little more.
A little more.
That's it.
Now just keep true.
All right, you're close enough to Sheldon's room.
Deploy the sensor.
It wasn't on?
No.
Then why did I have to crawl?
Oh, I guess you didn't.
Okay, it's on.
Good.
From this point forward, you will have to crawl.
I know.
Hang on.
The sensor's picking up something.
Turn your head back.
You rat bastard.
Told you the sensor would work.
Why?
You deliberately stuck me with Sheldon.
Come on, I had to.
You see what he's like?
Betty, Betty, I'm hungry.
Uh, it's okay, sweetie.
Good news, Leonard's home.
No!
Here you go.
Good luck.
Bye.
Wait, wait.
Leonard, I'm hungry.
Wait, Penny, take me with you!
I want grilled cheese.
Some guy is auctioning off a miniature time machine prop from the original film and no one is bidding on it.
A time machine from the movie The Time Machine?
No, a time machine from Sophie's Choice.
Boy, Sophie could have used a time machine in that movie.
Did you see it?
It's rough.
Oh, that's cool.
Uh-huh.
It's only $800?
Yeah, and that's my bid.
You bid $800?
It was a spur of the moment thing.
I figured it would go for thousands and I just wanted to be a part of it.
There's only 30 seconds left in the auction.
Do you have $800?
Not to blow on a miniature time machine.
Well, don't worry.
The way these things work is people wait until the last second of bid and then they swoop in and get it.
It's called sniping.
15 seconds.
Come on, snipers.
Ten, nine, eight.
Where are your snipers?
Five.
Snipe.
Four.
Snipe.
Three.
Snipe.
Two.
Snipe!
Congratulations.
You are the proud owner of a miniature time machine.
You lucky duck.
I wonder why no one else bid.
This is a classic piece of sci-fi movie memorabilia.
I know.
I understand why no one else bid.
A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower.
Event B We drive halfway across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned woman's ex-boyfriend.
On what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events?
She asked me to do her a favor, Sheldon.
Ah, yes.
Well, that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher-level distal cause.
Which is?
You think with your penis.
That's a biological impossibility, and you didn't have to come.
Oh right yes, I could've stayed behind to watch Wolowitz try to hit on Penny.
In Russian, Arabic and Farsi.
Why can't she get her own TV?
There's some kind of dispute between Penny and her ex-boyfriend as to who gets custody of the TV.
She just wanted to avoid having a scene with him.
So we get to have a scene with him?
No, Sheldon, there's not going to be a scene.
I'll do the talking.
Yeah.
Hi, I'm Leonard.
This is Sheldon.
Hello.
What did I just...
Uh, we're here to pick up Penny's TV.
Get lost.
Okay, thanks for your time.
We're not gonna give up just like that.
Leonard, the TV's in the building.
We've been denied access to the building, ergo we are done.
Come on, we have a combined IQ of 360.
We should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.
What do you think their combined IQ is?
Just grab the door!
This is it.
I'll do the talking.
Good thinking.
I'll just be the muscle.
Yeah?
I'm Leonard, this is Sheldon.
From the intercom.
How the hell did you get in the building?
Uh, we're scientists.
Tell him about our IQ.
Leonard.
What?
My mom bought me those pants.
I'm sorry.
It's an experiment designed by this guy named Schrodinger.
From the Charlie Brown cartoons?
No, he was some kind of scientist.
Let me start again.
Oh, hey, Leonard.
Hello.
Leslie.
Hi.
Okay, well, good night.
Okay, well, good night.
That ain't gonna make your point.
Okay, that's enough.
Call me.
Right.
Okay, goodnight.
Uh, what?
Have a great time, ciao.
Do you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced, not shredded?
Yes.
Even though the menu description specifies shredded?
Yes.
Brown rice, not white?
Yes.
Did you stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard?
Yes.
Did you pick up the less sodium soy sauce from the market?
Yes.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
What took you so long?
Just sit down and eat.
Fine.
All right, it's shredded.
What do you want me to do?
Having a little trouble catching your breath there?
No, no, I'm good.
If my PE teachers had told me this is what I was training for, I would have tried a lot harder.
Do or do not, there is no try.
Did you just quote Star Wars?
I believe I quoted Empire Strikes Back.
Oh, my god.
I'm lying in bed with a beautiful woman who can quote Yoda.
I love you, Penny.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I just want to put that out there.
Oh, yeah, no.
I'm glad.
Good.
Glad is good.
Yeah.
No, no.
Um... So...
Getting pretty late.
We should probably go to sleep.
Yeah.
Okay.
Probably.
Okay.
Good night, sweetie.
Good night.
If she can do it, I can do it.
If she can do it, I can do it.
I can't do it.
Hello?
Hi.
Hey.
Hi, Leslie.
Leonard Hofstadter, what are you doing here?
I know.
It's been a while.
Yeah, 18 months.
Right.
Right.
How you doing?
Fine.
You?
Not bad.
Do you remember when we used to have sex and you said that it didn't mean anything, it was just for fun?
Yeah.
Do you want to do that again?
What happened?
Blondie dumped you?
She didn't dump me.
We were just in different places in the relationship.
Right.
Um anyway, apparently it's okay to go back to people you're no longer seeing and have recreational sex with them.
Uh-huh.
So what do you say?
Let me think about it.
She's not coming back.
