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My name is Curly and I'm Maya and welcome to the Super Secret Bestie Club.
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And each episode will talk about love, friendship, heart rate, men and of course our favorite
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My kids like this podcast so much.
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Listen to it every night before bed.
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Hey there, I'm Dr. Maya Shankar and I'm a scientist who studies human behavior.
Many of us have experienced a moment in our lives that changes everything that instantly
divides our life into a before and after.
On my podcast, a slight change of plans, I talk to people about navigating these moments.
Their stories are full of candor and hard one wisdom.
Ann you'll hear from scientists who teach us how we can be more resilient in the face
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Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s.
The podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our
20s and what they mean for our psychology.
Hello everybody, welcome back to the show, welcome back to the podcast.
New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world.
It is so great to have you here back for another episode as we break down the psychology of
your 20s.
It is December which means it is the guest season of the podcast and today we're bringing
on someone who has actually been here before who I'm actually a massive fan of.
I would say we're friends.
She can say what she she can confirm on tonight but I feel like if you don't know who list
is and her podcast date yourself instead.
What are you doing?
She is incredible, she is amazing and she is here today to talk about how we can stop
getting attached so quickly list.
Thank you so much for coming on again.
Yeah, thank you for having me again.
I'm so excited and I know it's the most cozy time of year and everyone's getting prepared
for the holidays.
I'm very excited to be here.
I'm also very jealous that it's actually summer where you are and freezing cold where
I am.
Yeah, I know.
But by the time this is released I will be where you are as well so we can suffer together
in the New York winter.
Yes, but New York is absolutely amazing during the holiday season so I'm really excited
for you to come.
I am as well.
I feel like I'm hoping for a white Christmas, fingers crossed.
We'll see what it brings but I feel like if you're listening to this and you have not
listened to the first episode we did together which was like back at the start of the year.
I'm going to go and listen to that first because it is very, very good but do you want to
tell people kind of what you do the basis for your show because I feel like for those
are the listeners who are if you are single right now, if you are someone who is trying
to date in your 20s or your 30s or beyond who is struggling with self worth, with actually
investing in yourself and investing in the right people.
What are you talking about on your show list?
I talk about all things self love healing.
If you're going through a breakup, if you're going through a hard time, the reason I created
the date yourself instead of movement was to really just put the focus back on yourself
especially if you are coming out of a breakup, you can often lose yourself or forget who
you were before you met that person and it was inspired by my own breakup and a lot of
the messaging is just centered around knowing yourself, knowing your worth, stepping into
your power and that's why I'm really excited to talk about this particular topic today,
all about attachment because it ties in perfectly to pretty much everything I talk about
also, I feel like a lot of our episodes overlap.
Yeah, especially the dating episodes because I think that when we talk about attachment
in our 20s, it is really at the root of a lot of the, I would say, love conundrums that
we come across, right?
And the fact that there are some of us out there, like the hopeless romantic, the sentimental,
the sensitive, who no matter how hard we try, get attached way too quickly to another person,
project this whole fantasy onto this individual that we might not even know yet.
You know, when I was single, I remember like going on like one or two dates with someone
being like, yeah, so like wedding will probably be in June, you know, for summer and like,
hopefully he's okay if we call out kids this.
And I don't think that it helps you, like I don't think it helps you, I don't think it
helps the relationship.
It makes you so much more invested and more likely to be hurt early on.
And it doesn't really let the relationship develop.
But I think that we can know all of these things about us, right?
Like we can understand that this is our pattern, this is our habit in relationships, this
is part of who we are to get attached and not really know what to do about it.
So why do you think that we get attached too quickly?
Like what are some of the major reasons that you've identified?
You know, I'm the type of person who used to get so overly attached and I knew I was
getting attached to the wrong person all the time, but it was really out of fear and
I talk about this a lot.
Like when you are alone and you really miss having someone in your life and you miss
having a partner and then you meet someone new that has some slight potential, you kind
of grasp onto it because you're like, oh my god, you know, we like the same foods and
we had a lot in common on the first date and maybe this could go somewhere and we fantasize
and project this fantasy onto that person without really knowing anything about them.
If we're coming from a place of fear that we're going to be alone forever, I think it's
out of, it's you're operating out of fear essentially when you latch yourself on to someone
that you don't even know that well or maybe, you know, you've only been on a couple of
dates and you're like, this is the one.
When in reality, I mean, sometimes they can be the one, sometimes they can work out,
but oftentimes I just remember getting myself into a lot of situations and even a situation
I came out of recently where I saw bits and pieces of potential and just because I'm
alone and I wasn't really seeing anyone else, I latched onto this idea of them that wasn't
even real.
And I think a lot of people can relate to that.
It's like the fantasy bonding, right? You're not falling in love with who this person is
in reality.
You're falling in love with the version of them that you've created in your head that
is like the perfect person for you, right?
Especially like when you said you're operating from a place of fear where a lot of us have
this intrinsic, I think, intrinsic anxiety and worry that we will be alone forever.
And maybe part of preventing yourself from getting attached so quickly is understanding
that that might not actually be the worst thing in the world.
It's not a death, like not finding someone before 30 or before 40 or before 50 does not
mean that your life will not have meaning, doesn't mean that you can't still be a very
content and happy person.
Do you think that that's also part of the fear, like the fear that to not have a partner
means that your life is wasted or that you're missing out on something?
Well, I think the feeling of love, if you've gotten a taste of it before, it's something
that we're constantly chasing because that high, like when you're first getting to know
someone and it actually starts working, if you've been in love before, I think it's easy
to want that again and again and kind of, you know, search for it and look for it again
and again.
And you know, I think that's a part of the process of everything.
Like I think there's no shame in trying to like seek out those good feelings and seek
out those emotions that could make you want to feel like you're in love again, but at
the same time, yeah, I think it often comes, like love comes and anything comes in life
when you're most grounded in your own frame and you're focused on yourself and you've
become more magnetic when you're just centered and you're not actively trying to seek all
of these things.
And that's why when we were talking about before, like when you met your boyfriend, it's
like when you aren't really looking for it and you kind of least expect it, but at the
same time, you're open to opportunity.
Like it's not completely closing yourself off from anything.
It's just kind of going with the flow and trusting the process.
And that's why I always say like trust the process and I have that tattoo because it's
kind of like a way to not keep that resistance.
And you know, if you're wanting something too badly, it's almost blocking you from actually
finding the right person.
And when you attach yourself to people that aren't good for you, you're often kind of blocking
what could actually be good for you.
I 100% agree with that 100% because I think that when you are when you are overlooking
parts of someone that you know are not good for you just because you want connection,
just because you want intimacy.
What you're really doing is kind of abandoning yourself for the for someone else's gain,
right?
You're abandoning yourself and putting up with someone else's behavior that you probably
wouldn't tolerate from the love of your life.
I saw this thing the other day that was like the love of your life would not treat you
the way that you're being treated.
So stop confusing, I think attachment with love or with actual connection.
And also when you're able to identify exactly what you want, exactly who you are, there
is this confidence to you that means that you will suddenly attract so many people who
are much better options.
And people will actually be able to know you as who you are.
And I think knowing yourself for who you are means that that unconditional love that
we expect from others is going to be true, right? It's not going to be based on a fantasy
they have a view either or a fantasy that you have of them because you're really like
centered and grounded in your in your own reality and in what in your own expectations
and in your own sense of self.
Yeah, for sure.
And I think it's easier said than done too because there's a lot of times where you know
I create these boundaries for myself and I create really high standards for myself in
my head and sometimes if you just tell yourself, yeah, like I'm not going to tolerate this,
I'm not going to tolerate that.
It's not really that effective because words are words, you really have to feel it and
believe it.
You really have to be in a place in your life where you're actually grounded and you actually
have worked on yourself a lot and healed so many parts of yourself that you know that
you will not settle for anything less than what you deserve.
And I was humbled recently from a situation where you know, and I'm going to talk about
this on my own podcast at some point, but like I'll say it on here also.
I was in a situation recently where I got attached to this idea of the potential of what
something could be with a person that kept convincing me that he was going to change.
And anytime I would bring something up, you know, I would see bits and pieces of potential
where he was treating me right at certain points and he was doing and saying the right things
at certain points, but there were so many other problems and I would overlook it because
I got attached to the fantasy.
And it's such a common thing because when you want to see the good in people and when
you want love and you are a loving person, it's easy to latch on and there's no shame
in it, but it just, it's there to teach you a valuable lesson about, you know, really
putting all that energy into yourself versus externally throwing it at someone else that
doesn't deserve it.
And I think I learned that through a lot of my situations and relationships in general.
So yeah, you get to like a good point where it's like these relationships are not a waste,
right?
Like they are teaching you something.
I used to be like every person who breaks my heart, every person where it doesn't work
is just one step closer to someone who will.
And if you poured all of that love and all of that energy and that intimacy and that time
into the wrong person, imagine how amazing it's going to be when it's with the right person.
Imagine how like it's just going to be, it's, and I know this to be true.
Like it's insane and it's the best feeling when the love that you've always shown people
that's never been reciprocated is finally reciprocated.
And you realize what true attachment and true connection and true compatibility actually
feels like rather than getting caught up in the intensity in the fantasy, in like the
anxiety of pursuing someone who doesn't want you back because I also think that sometimes
we confuse a lot of that anxiety with excitement and with chemistry.
I don't know if you do this, but I think that it's just they feel very similar in our
bodies and so we confuse the sensations and that creates this very instantaneous attachment.
Yeah, I mean, I think my rule now with my emotions is if I'm at all uncomfortable, anxious
and worried within the first few dates, it's a hard no.
Like your gut will tell you almost instantly if it's not going to work and will at least
for me, I truly believe that and I did the survey on my Instagram a while ago that was
asking people who are in serious relationships or married how they knew their person was
the one and they weren't just getting, you know, attached to some random person.
And almost every response said, I felt a sense of peace and calm, like I had never experienced
before where I felt safe.
My nervous system felt at peace and at ease and it was something that I didn't know existed
and I was like shocked like so many people had the same answer.
And I was really thinking about him like I don't know if I've ever actually experienced
that and that's something that I'm looking forward to now because we tend to get attached
to people that make us anxious, especially if we're anxious attached people.
Like I'm an I have anxious attachment style.
I don't know about you, but I'm an anxious attached person.
So it's kind of easier to spot when something's not working for me early on now and I know
that I need to detach myself and remove from the situation quickly.
That's actually such a good point.
Like I'm going to say I feel that way now where everyone used to always say to me love
is meant to be easy and it's meant to be calm and it's meant to be peaceful.
And I was like that sounds really boring.
I really honestly thought that I was like that sounds boring.
I'm used to like the spark, I'm used to like this intense passion that is so self-destructive
and will burn out your relationship.
And I think sometimes we meet those people right who could be the one who could really
fulfill us.
But we sabotaged the relationship because we have gotten so used to this pattern of people
who have made us feel a certain way that we don't really trust our first impression.
We see someone is boring, we might see someone as not really our type because we are expecting
this like firework of feelings when really what you should be looking for is the person
who of course you have so much fun with and who sees you and who you're excited by but
who also at the end of the day does not leave you questioning whether they actually want
to be with you.
And if you were to like it's the you should not be sitting there being like does this
person actually like me the moment that you are asking yourself that question.
And the answer is no be the second part of that is you need to run like you need to
cut that person out because I think that like I don't know if you've had that experience
but I'm like that is no good sign for the start of a relationship.
Oh yeah well the experience I just recently went through with someone it was dragged
out for five full months and five months.
Five months of my time I mean listen a lot of the time I wasn't physically together
with him like we live in different countries I barely saw him throughout those five
months but it was a lot of texting communication whatever and it's still energy you know it's
still your time and it's still your feelings at play and it's still your emotions so you
know I always say like your time and your energy towards someone is your currency and it's
really true because I started getting a little too invested and I would try to make shit
work all the time with him where it was like I was like okay you know I'm here you're
there what's going on like do you want to talk whatever and he would just always find a
way to make it difficult right and then once I pulled back he would try to get me reattached
you know it was one of those games where it was like I would kind of detach myself and
remove and say you know what F this I'm out and he would be like oh no talk to me I want
to talk through it what's going on and manipulate me back into the situation I think that's why
a lot of people hold on and that's why I'm bringing it up right now because maybe it could
help someone like you know people will find a way to keep you holding on even if they don't
want you and it has to be up to you to cut the cord and walk away and eventually I did and I
cut the cord and I said you know this is my life this is my feelings this is like you know my energy
and my time and if you're not valuing that and you're playing this game with me where you just
want me around but you're not actually going to see any sort of future with me what the hell am I
doing you know so I think a lot of people could probably relate to that situation because people
will want you to be attached to them people will want you to hold on to them and they'll feed you
this idea that maybe it could work and it's so relatable and you know even someone who has a
dating podcast like I literally talk about this and give advice about this it is easier said
than done when you're in a situation where there's a connection so you know but you learn from it
and I'm like I feel like it's made me even better and stronger and I'm like happy and it's all
good but it's it's it's very common it's this thing right where it's not that that person didn't
know what he had he was very aware of what he had that is why he was constantly trying to
bring you back in maybe he was obsessed with the chase that made him feel like it was worth it
he knew what he had he just didn't know how to he didn't know what to do with it and he didn't
want to he didn't want to treat you in the way that you deserved right I think that sometimes when
we encounter these people who aren't willing to commit or who act in the way that this man was
acting trash man that's such terrible behavior but when he when we meet people who act in that way
we think that for them to fully want us would be the biggest biggest sign to us that we are worth
something and so it's not just about attachment it's also about our sense of self-esteem and it's
about our sense of self-value and our sense of value as a person where we think okay well if this
person doesn't want me if this person isn't willing to treat me the way that I deserve what does
that say about me and so you become obsessed with almost winning them over or proving to them that
they should change or they should treat you differently because that kind of journey that kind
of convincing is a proxy for you trying to convince yourself that you have value if this person
believes that you can finally believe it and there are people out there who unfortunately
understand that and understand that they can have that impact on people and who use it and I think
I know that you and I both are very romantic and sensitive people I think that's
like a brilliant brilliant thing but you think that also is one of the reasons why people get
attached a little bit too quickly I think if you're a very loving person and you're very vulnerable
and you're sensitive as a person and you know a lot of women are I mean a lot of people are
I'm not gonna just pin it on women a lot of people in general are but I think for me I'm just
speaking from my experience I think I have a hard you know shell maybe but I'm really soft and
I try to give people as many chances as I can because I just you know and you're the same way
probably you just want to see the good in people because we're good people and a lot of people
are like that where they're good people and they want to believe that the other person on the other
end of their situationship or relationship is the same way that they are but that's really not
often the case you know when you're in a situation where you're latching onto someone and they know
what they have and they're not able to value it but they they still want to keep you around I think
it's easy for sensitive people who love very deeply to get taken advantage of I do unfortunately
but I also think as you mentioned earlier about you know knowing your worth and having a really
good self concept of yourself that's the key to attracting better people into your life
and I think a lot of why we attach ourselves to people is also related to low self esteem
and I'm not gonna lie I tend to get insecure especially when it comes to love I tend to nitpick
myself internally and that's something I'm working on now and it's something I've been working on
for a while where I want to wake up every day feeling so insanely confident that I know 100%
what I have to offer all the time but there's a lot of people in my past who have
chiseled away at that version of me that I want to be so if I'm like you know I'm amazing I'm
beautiful I'm the best I've had a lot of guys try to like break that down and because I'm sensitive
and I let them in it's affected me you know where they say oh you know go put on makeup or like
I've had a bad guys taught me that or like um sorry I'm not like laughing because it's falling
in laughing because it's absolutely insane or like shock yeah or like um you know I've had guys
coming on my way before like I don't know why they just have and I'm like okay this is making
me uncomfortable or I've had guys tell me I'm not worth a certain you know amount of money or like
they take me out they expect me to pay for everything things like that where it's made me feel
like garbage because I'm like okay am I not worth like a five dollar coffee so you know it's just
about learning how to build yourself up again and have that like unbreakable unshakable self-confidence
and then you'll probably attract better people into your life I also think that those
experiences right it's so hard when it's so unfair it's not just hard it's unfair when you have
to undo the damage that someone else has done where someone has like come into your heart come into
your soul come into your life and then like I'm gonna make a mess at this just for fun like I'm
gonna chisel down this person's confidence I think because they understand that then you're
more reliant on them for your confidence so they have more control of you maybe they don't realize
it maybe you don't realize it but I think that I've seen that in my own life so many times
and it's just it is unfair to be like okay well now this experience is a part of me and it's not
something that I'm I'm ever gonna forget it's not something that I'm not going to think of of time
to time but I do think that your point of like you need to become almost like this you need to
become this like impenetrable kind of fortress of like self-love and self-worth and confidence where
you're like your opinion of me how you choose to treat me has absolutely nothing to do with who I am
because when you think about it there are millions of people out there who sometimes we don't
we don't give them a chance or we just haven't met them yet who would treat you amazingly it's
this like it's this metaphor of like your your worth stays the same it's just how much someone
else values it and what kind of price you're willing to take like I saw this analogy that was like
a bottle of water you know at the grocery store is like is a dollar a bottle of water at like
the airport is like six dollars like a bottle of water at like a concert is like twelve dollars like
the water remains the same like it's the same product but it's where you're valued it's where there
is demand for the kind of person that you are and I think some part of us when we have gone through
a lot of dating experiences where we have been rejected shut down we have fallen into this
pattern of looking for the same kind of people we really forget that and we forget that there are
actually so many people out there who would value who us for who we are so what are some of the
signs of of someone who is worth emotionally attaching to who is worth that effort and who you
think is like I know with this whole episode is like how do I not get attached too quickly
sometimes though there are people who you you have a gut instinct to write for you like what
are some of the distinctions do you think between the people you should absolutely avoid and the
people who you should kind of be willing to be more vulnerable with oh I think someone who understands
your emotions early on you don't have to explain yourself it's just easy you know it just flows
the communication that is there they understand who you are and what you're about early on in the
relationship where they can you know kind of understand your needs and respect them and respect
your boundaries I think respect and having a mutual respect early on for one another is such a green
flag and you know consistency I think a really big thing for me personally what I've seen in the
people that I've ended up in serious relationships with is they were always consistent they knew exactly
what they wanted and they were like it's you you know it's you you're the one and I want to date you
and everyone deserves that everyone deserves that feeling of being wanted and there's nothing wrong
with wanting that feeling of being wanted but you know I think we often try to convince ourselves
out of things that we try to convince ourselves of things that are maybe not necessarily good for us
we try to justify why things can change all the time and we try to make up stories in our head
and fantasize like oh you know maybe once he's done with work you know he said works busy for the
next two months maybe things will get better after that or you know I've heard that excuse many times
oh I'm busy with work and you know I'm not really looking for a relationship at this time but I
I will be it's a very common excuse or like you know just things like that where no one's making
excuses about wanting to be with you or see you someone who can make a plan and want to see you
and want to be around you because if you like someone you're going to want to spend time with them
that's just a natural human instinct those are all green flags me where I'm like yes okay you want
to see me you want to talk to me everything feels emotionally safe huge huge for me at least
indicators that it's moving in the right direction what about you well I actually was listening
to that being like yeah I completely agree 100% one the one other one I would say which I think
actually links to what you were talking about is they don't just want you on their terms because I
think that that example that you gave of oh works really busy I don't want to date you but also
yeah please come over five minutes a week and like come and hang out with me it's like that is them
giving that is them basically being like I want you on my terms I want you when it's convenient for me
I'm not I don't care about you I don't care about what you need for me yeah it's like it's so
common I think especially like in guys who are like 20 like early 30s where I get it right like
it's not it might not be a huge priority for them but there are people out there who it would be
a priority who's seeing you would be a priority who spending time with you would be a priority
and it wouldn't just be based on like what their schedule looks like and it wouldn't just be
based on like how their life is going right now they would make space for you to be there
um and then I also think the other thing is being really clear about the future there is no like
oh yeah ambiguity around the fact that you are in their future with them so then being like oh
you know and even as small as being like oh next week we should um go to this museum or I really
want to go to this restaurant we should go or being like I think I'm gonna go yeah like hey like
you know Christmas I'm gonna go see my parents like what are you doing for Christmas like
there is a sense of like continuity there it's not and I think that's really important
especially if you are someone who is anxious because you're not constantly trying to anticipate
when the relationship is going to end this person oh my god I love that yeah but they have like
it's true right like they have enough respect to yeah to to make you feel comfortable that the
relationship is going somewhere yeah and 100% like I remember when I got into my last relationship
I was shocked by how forward and how much effort he was making and I was like wait
this is normal like this is what normal is I don't have to decipher what he's trying to say
and question if he likes me he was literally from the beginning he was like I want to hang out with
you I want to take you to dinner I want to see you and he was constantly following up about plans
and making an effort so like so many times and I was the one blowing him off you know like I was the
one saying I'm busy I have plans because I was scared I was like what is this like is this man
mentally stable like I thought he was the problem at first because I had never experienced what
it's like to actually be wanted in a healthy way which is crazy to think about I mean I did have
other boyfriends before that were pretty straightforward but there was a little more effort involved
but with him it was just it was so forward and it was so easy and I learned so much from that
relationship because he always knew what he wanted and it was it was like too easy it was it just felt
so good and I remember he would always include me in his plans he would always make me a part of
his life he would say do you want to meet my friends do you want to come to my party that I'm having
with the people that I know you know he always made me a part of a circle from the beginning
and that's how I knew it was different I knew it was different right away because I was like he
wants me to meet his friends on day two like what's happening right now I think a lot of people I
want to say men some people get like annoyed like saying like men and women whatever but I really
do believe like if we're talking from a male perspective they kind of know instantly if they
want to be with you and maybe that's not the best you know I obviously I know it doesn't apply
to every relationship because every relationship has a different course but I truly believe
for the most part a man kind of knows what he wants within the first couple of dates I also think
that men in particular do not face the same society or pressure that women do to settle so I think
that that's something that we can take right it's something that we can take from them that's why
they know instantly that's why they know whether they like someone or not is because they are not
also trying to navigate well I'm like they're also not trying to navigate like the sense of like
oh you know better find someone by 30 like my biological clock is ticking or I don't want to be a
spinster or I don't want to end up alone or all my friends are in relationships like women have
been so indoctrinated by a society and have learnt so much about how they deserve to be treated
from like almost a deficit mindset where the thing that you need most is relationship whereas
for men the thing that they need most is like career success or like financial stability and as
much as we think that like that has changed there's still that is still very implicit in how we
are raised it's very implicit in the world we see around us so I think that's why men are so much
so much better able to make those kind of judgment calls also I love that he like introduced
you to his friends I always say they should be treating you the way that you want to be treating
them right so if you're someone who is like I really want you to meet my friends and they're not
doing that there is an imbalance there like that's also a very easy way to say it yeah I mean I
hadn't really thought too deeply into it and like I remember when I first you know started hanging
out with him he was just so inclusive like he just made me feel wanted and appreciated and he
wanted to show me off that was it it was like he wanted to put me on a pedestal and say look at her
this is the person I'm with and I had never had that before I had never really had someone that was
so proud to be next to me and I think that's what it taught me is like there are people out there
that will be so proud to show you off and be next to you and be like this is the person I'm with
like I'm so proud to be dating them and I always felt that sense of like I was proud to be
dating him also you know I was like a mutual exchange of like we were both proud to be each
other's partners and I think that's such a good feeling because you're like I love the qualities
that you have and I'm not embarrassed to be out in public with you because there's been people
that have treated me badly and I'm like if I run into someone I know and they know what's going on
with this situation it's like that it makes me look bad because I'm like tolerating someone that
you know won't commit to me or whatever and my friends know if they see me out they're going to
shit on me for being with this person you know but with him I remember I was like I want the people
in my life to know how amazing he is and I think he you know he felt the same way about me so it ended
up being a really good relationship but it also set the standard so now it's like that's what I
want times a hundred like if I'm gonna get married to someone my husband better be shouting my name
from the rooftops yeah you know bare minimum you know that's even friends my moniker gets engaged
and she's like I'm engaged I want my husband to be doing that please and thank you like you have
prize so I feel like if that's like the gold standard I'll tendency to get attached too quickly we've
already identified is not helping us in this because it's not allowing you to see yeah you're not
seeing things clearly sometimes it ends up sabotaging the relationship where you like put
undue pressure not on the other person but on you as a couple you as a pair way too early before
like it's ready to hold that kind of responsibility so what are some of the ways that we can kind of
slow down the attachment process take things slowly take out time and really listen to our gut
instinct well I think it comes down to what we were talking about earlier is really grounding yourself
and being in your own frame and knowing that you know you should not be settling just because
you're alone and that's a big thing that a lot of people as you just said that really blew my
mind earlier the point you made about how men have this society they don't have the societal
pressure that women do to settle because they're you know it's like the clock is ticking for women
that's like a whole thing that I guess we see advertised everywhere nowadays um and I think
there's so much truth to that and I think just putting everything into perspective and understanding
that it's so much worse to rush and dive deep dive into someone that's not good for you and latch
on to someone that's not good for you and then get attached to something that's not going anywhere
it's so much worse in the long term and really thinking about it from like pulling yourself out of
it and looking like from a bird's high view in a way and just saying okay like how is this going to
help me in the long term if you don't think it is and you think it's not going to go anywhere
it's better to wait and it's better to focus on yourself and direct all that energy inwards and
I think like the ways I've done that is you know I mean this might sound cliche but actually though
I meditate every single day and I tell myself self love affirmations almost every single day
and I'm very big on self-concept because your self-concept plays into everything and it especially
plays into your relationships and people may people mirror to you where you're at in your life
right and people mirror to you how you feel about yourself and I think unpacking those feelings
of insecurity that you have when you're latched on to someone that isn't good for you and kind of
healing that is the step you need to take in order to not get attached and actually meet the right
person and that's something I'm working through right now because I still have my own healing to do
too like I'm looking for someone that's going to be the long term like the end game and I still have
stuff that I'm healing which is like settling just because you know someone treats you nice temporarily
and takes you to dinner like that's not a reason why you should latch on to them that's that is
the bare minimum that's it doesn't mean that that's your soulmate right like but you could have
these blinders on when you're alone for a while which I empathize you know I empathize when people
are like alone for a long time you kind of have these like delusional goggles on sometimes
and you got you got to rip the goggles off it's because you're coming out I think from like a
like a scarcity mindset when you're like wow I better grab like it's kind of like when everyone
it when you feel like everyone else has something that you want you're just going to grab like the
first thing that you see because it's going to fulfill at least the sense that you have it
I also think that yeah when you talk about like meditating and positive affirmations
positive affirmations work there is so much psychology behind it the way you speak to yourself
impacts your behavior and impacts the kind of the I hate the word vibe because it sounds so like
unsigned to big but kind of like the the energy that you give off ever since I started really
making a habit of changing my inner dialogue and saying you know I am the best person this like
I'm the best person that anyone's ever going to meet I know it might sound a little not narcissistic
but it sounds like full of yourself no it's just I love it it's it's good you know it's good to feel
like the best person in the room why wouldn't you want to feel like the best person in the room like
it doesn't mean that necessarily objectively like maybe other people wouldn't agree with that but
it doesn't matter you know it matters how you feel about yourself and that's why I always I started
telling myself these things like I'm the most amazing person I'm so successful I'm so beautiful
I'm so confident these things are okay to feel about yourself you know like why shouldn't everyone
feel good about themselves so I yeah I do really agree with that the whole psychology behind
affirmations I've seen massive changes in my life ever since I started also it's interesting
because I think a little people get concerned that that kind of behavior is like narcissistic the
thing is when you are in a world that is constantly trying to break down your sense of self-concept
or your sense of self-esteem you kind of need an exaggerated practice like that or you need to
speak to yourself in an exaggerated highly positive way to counteract that negativity in order
to reach a balance like I do genuinely believe it and affirmations are an amazing way to do that
set a behavioral intention as well be like I'm not going to settle for for this I'm not going to
settle for and write a list and also write a list of what you truly want and when you meet someone
actually honestly evaluate them against those against you know those them those non-negotiables
it's a way to make sure that when it comes to situations of the heart when it comes to situations
at a very emotional like attachment you are maintaining like your rational edge you are
maintaining like a logical steady head when it comes to these situations especially if you know
that you are someone who gets maybe carried away and I think also make sure that you sustain
your emotional independence so often I find I used to find that I would be entirely reliant
on someone else's reactions and behavior and their receptiveness to me to determine my mood.
I definitely do that oh yeah that's no that's so common you know when if someone doesn't
react the way you expect them to or someone doesn't text you back right away or something where you
just are kind of accept like you're kind of expecting a certain response if you don't get that
exact response or someone's not treating you the right way it's so easy to emotionally react
to that and be like oh my whole day is ruined you know but um yeah I it's very relatable but it's
also like tying back into self-concept once you have such a strong sense of self those things
don't affect you anymore you know I feel like that it's happened less and less to me like I get
less negative reactions from people now that I'm more grounded which is an amazing thing because I
think a lot of the time I was always waiting on someone's validation of the things they said to me
or how they said it or the way they phrase it in order to make me feel like oh I'm doing a good job
you know what I mean and it's like you don't need that like you don't this person unless they
prove it to you means nothing like that was a real mindset shift a hand where I was like you do not
deserve to be in my life until you prove that you want to be there and then we can talk like
then we then we can see what happens so I think that's really important and also prevents you
from fantasy bonding when you like recognize that your your emotional independence means a lot more
than your connection to that person your sense of like just emotional wellness as well you said
something on your show the other day that was like if this person is making you feel like ill or
stick to your stomach like that is not a good sign like if they are at any point making you feel like
it's not a good sign like you don't have like ibs you don't have like chronic like
stomach pains like this person is like it is just bad for you like they're creating physical reactions
in your body so yeah it's also something to remember oh yeah for sure I definitely have had
I've had physical reactions to people before where like I was physically repulsed by things that
like happened and you know felt actually like actually felt ill at times I kept getting sinus
infections when I was around this one person um every time I would hang out with them I so I got
a sinus infection the next day that's what I'm telling you something and it was like and sinuses are
I think sinuses are linked to your emotions your emotional well-being in general like from a spiritual
perspective and I was doing some research on this and your body can react in crazy ways when
you're around people that are not good for you and that are sucking your energy dry and
that's another way to know if you're attached to the wrong person so keep that in mind. Also stress
like stress increases cortisol it's gonna make you experience like illness and sickness it's
gonna suppress your immunity more that is like an important way your body is telling you that
something isn't right so I think that that is a good place to end things with a with a health warning
um and I really do hope that like I really do hope that if you are someone who gets attached too
quickly that this episode has helped you that this episode has given you something to think about
you know when I'm moving into the new year and we're gonna move into the new year unattached and
absolutely madly in love with ourselves and not with someone who doesn't deserve it so I want
to thank list so much again for coming on if you do not listen to her podcast I personally
listen to it I think it's amazing and it gives me a lot to think about I'm sure it will give you
a lot to think about as well so thanks for coming on again thank you thank you I tell everyone
about your podcast also it's amazing and um I'm just grateful that I'm on again yeah women supporting
women guys that's what it's all about as always if you enjoyed this episode please feel free to leave
a five star review on apple podcast Spotify wherever you are listening right now and if you have
an episode suggestion if you just want to get in touch see some behind the scenes content you can
follow us on instagram at that psychology podcast we will be back next week with another guest episode
so we will see you then
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