149. Confidence will change your life ft. Tiff Baira | The Psychology of your 20s

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Hello everybody, welcome back to the show, welcome back to the podcast.

New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world.

It is so great to have you here, back for another episode.

Welcome to the 12 Days of Guests this December.

Today we have on such a fabulous guest.

I'm so excited.

And honestly, the origins of this friendship, the origins of this episode are kind of amazing

and I think really sure the power of the internet, Tiff Barra, you would know her from Stray

Hots and YC.

Maybe you saw her on the true bar more show.

You see her on TikTok.

She's the queen of confidence and we're obsessed with her.

Welcome to the show.

Yeah, well, I'm so happy to be here.

I told you before, but I am your biggest fan.

So I've been listening to this podcast for the last year and it's helped me through some

dark nights.

So I'm so happy to be here.

Wasn't it like the episode that I did on Hangziety?

You were like, yeah, I still probably listened to that once a month.

Without one night where I have too many espresso martinis, I always listened to that.

I'm like, it's okay.

Like it's all gaba gama.

Oh my god, you know, it's all glitamy.

Gaba gaba gaba.

That is so funny.

And you definitely listened to that episode.

I need to listen to that episode probably a little bit more because I was like, I would

help you the night.

And then I like work up the next morning and I was like, everyone hates me and I have no

friend.

And I'm sure you felt that.

And can we talk about how like as you get in your later 20s, like I'm 26, but when I was

21, I never had Hangziety.

And like now I'm like, oh my, it'll last like five days.

You'll last five days.

You're like, honestly, it's this weird thing where I think it's like you have more to lose.

You don't like just like wild crazy party girl, which is like kind of what I was at like

2021.

Now you're like, oh, like what I say actually means something.

I think it's like that frontal lobe developing and you're being like, my actions have consequences.

And so then you get like more intense feelings towards your anxiety.

But then also your body just can't take the drinks as well as it used to, right?

It cannot take it as well.

You know, like I did a whole, but what's what's great is like as you get older, the hope

is that you have like really good friends around you.

So like when you do the apology tour, the next day, they're like, Tiffany's stopping

ridiculous.

You were literally fine.

Like I didn't even know you drank.

And I'm like, okay, that's what I need to hear.

So it's like you learn to surround yourself by people that have your back just as much

as we should have our own backs.

That's actually such great advice.

We've like jumped straight into it, but I feel like I haven't even given you.

We're like, let's talk about it.

I haven't even given you an opportunity to tell the audience a little bit about yourself.

I know I gave you a bit of an introduction, but in your own words, who is it?

Yeah.

Well, I'm Tiff Barra.

I'm in New York City.

And I've really kind of been sharing my experience of dating and being a dating coach for like

the last three years on TikTok, which then led to me becoming an actual dating coach on

a Roku show match me in Miami.

I've worked with hundreds of singles.

I have a practice where I work with singles and really the difference between what I do

and what some of the previous matchmakers that you've seen on the Cinar is that my major

thing is finding love while loving yourself.

I don't know about you, but like in my early 20s and even to now, it is a full struggle

bus trying to figure out how to navigate dating while not being harsh on yourself and

not blaming yourself for your dating, like not always going the way you wanted to.

So really like the ethos of what I do is like how to enjoy being single, how to love

yourself at the same time while putting yourself out there and realizing that like rejection

may happen, but it's not a problem with you.

It's a compatibility issue.

So I hope clients really just learn like number one, how do I learn to love myself before

going out into the dating world?

Because if you can't tell yourself like what you deserve, build your standards, learn

what actual love is for yourself is very hard to find it.

And it also leads you to settling for the wrong people that may not treat you the way

you deserve and calling that love.

So we're in the business of building high standards, building high confidence and working

through the vulnerabilities and insecurities that I think we all have specifically in our

20s.

Honestly, that hits home for me because I think about people that I know who are like actively

dating right now.

I think about my like past self when she was actively dating and how much I thought the

way other people treated me or the decision they made about our relationship reflected

something deeper about myself.

And now I realize like being in a really healthy relationship, I'm so glad that those people

rejected me because otherwise I wouldn't have rejected myself and I would have like continue

to pursue them for so long.

And I didn't like I deserve so much better, but it's so interesting like how you don't

realize that until you really start to like cultivate your own self.

I know.

I'm just to that.

It's like I really do believe that like rejection is a redirection.

Like the people that are rejecting you are leading you to where you need to be like all

the nose are leading you to your yes.

And like I think what you were saying it hit me too because it's like a lot of times

you like to reaffirm the stories we tell ourselves.

So if we say we don't deserve love, you're going to constantly date people that make you

feel on love because you're already telling yourself that's what you deserve.

So it's very uncomfortable to step out of that cycle of toxic guys or people that don't

give you enough because then you're saying like, Hey, I might I deserve more, but it's

going to be uncomfortable to get there because you're kind of walking away from all you know.

And also you're walking away from what feels really exciting.

Like the chase feels exciting.

Having someone who is like never giving you 100%.

Beels exciting because you're like, how do I get that 100% like I'm going to fucking work

for it.

There's something about me that I can change and once I figure it out, everything's going

to be perfect.

But it's so interesting is it's like, it's like what the fuck?

Like sometimes I think back to, you know, that experience to myself and I'm like, how

like when you're in it, you don't realize that like that excitement that you feel is really

just anxiety.

And it's really just your body and your brain being like, you should know right now that

you deserve better.

And we're trying really hard to tell you that.

Oh my God.

It's so true.

I think like what you're saying is so spot on where it's like back when I was first experimenting

with dating with myself.

I was like, I'm not going to be a good friend of mine.

I'm not going to be a good friend of mine.

I'm not building it from a place of your own power, your building it from a place of what you think others want.

I completely get what you mean.

It's also this really interesting thing where it's like, especially if you are someone who perhaps didn't like people didn't really like show you that they were attracted to it.

They didn't really show you like admiration or attraction when you were like in high school or even in college.

I remember being in high school and like no one ever really like had a crush on me.

No one really was like ever like, God, she's like attractive.

No one really like flooded with me.

And you know, all of my other friends had like boyfriends and like little flings and like they had that like teenage love experience.

And I didn't really have that the same way that they did.

And so then when I like went to uni and then even when I like left uni and moved to like a big city,

it was like anyone who was willing to give me an inch was gonna get a mile from me.

Like I was like, yes, please, I'm like a freaking foster home.

Like please drop off your neglected male pets.

Like and I will gladly take them because I want intimacy and I want compassion.

And then it's about being like you said this in terms of like showing up to your dates and power suits.

It was like, all right, I'm gonna stop thinking that like the biggest prize here is for this person to like me.

And the prize is gonna be for me to actually like walk out of that day than like myself.

And I'm actually gonna be thinking about whether I like exactly like you need to flip it to be like,

I am a judge on American Idol and they're a contestant.

Like I'm I'm here to see if they're gonna make the cut.

Dance for me.

To a thing to a dance.

I need to be entertained.

Like, but I think a lot of a lot of people struggle, especially a lot of young women.

And it's like you feel like you have to chase someone in order for them to like you.

And I think that all comes from the places of like this crazy bullshit timeline.

You know, it's like you feel like you're missing out if you're not in a serious relationship by a 21 or 22.

Or again, like you said, didn't have that high school flame.

That timeline is so fake and it doesn't exist and you can still be happy being 26 with a nice little puppy.

And going on dates and taking time.

You know, you don't become a surgeon after one day of class.

It things good things you have to work towards good things take time.

And yes, there's some relationships where you meet and acute supermarket and you find a love of your life and you're happy ever after.

But for most of us, it's going through the ups and downs of the dating apps.

It's going putting yourself out there. But every time you put yourself out there, you learn a little bit about what you want.

And more importantly, what you don't want.

And the fact that you're walking away from the things that you don't want or actually making you a better version of yourself.

Because every time you say, notice things that hurt you, you're saying yes to the future version of you and building a more confident version of you.

That was so powerful.

Oh my god.

That's crazy.

This is like really giving me a bit of a wake up call if I'm like overwhelmed.

But also like the people need to hear it. The people need to hear it.

I honestly think that like we've spoken about this a little bit as well.

But sometimes we worry about the people that are going to leave our lives when we start to embody confidence more.

And for sure that does happen, especially people in who you're like kind of romantically invested in.

Who are like, what do you mean I can't just walk away with you?

Oh god.

But you will lose people.

However, I think that I also was quite bullied in primary school and in high school.

And I've realized that nothing could be as bad as that.

So I've kind of taught myself to like not feel embarrassment and the moment that I stopped caring about what other people thought, especially people who didn't love me and just let myself be authentic.

Suddenly I actually had more friends than I've ever had.

And I had more people wanting to be with me. I felt like a magnet.

It was kind of like the moment that you step into your power and are like, this is who I am.

I like it or I'm not interested.

I love that. That is so freaking magnetic and powerful.

Like I think confidence is literally like a life-secret hack to attracting what you want.

Have you found that like in not just with dating but like in your career, in your friendships, etc.

My life in the last three years, since I again, I told you I had that epiphany that like I need to start being the real me and not chasing the things that are just temporary fixes.

I live has changed 100%. Three years ago, I was a dishwasher, a hostess, a struggling model.

And then when I started the TikTok journey, you know, my first video is going viral. I was shocked.

And it was a choice that I was like, am I going to leap into this totally scary unknown world and shoot for something better.

Am I going to stay with my old ways that, you know, haven't done aren't serving me anymore. Am I going to stay with that group of friends that are not serving me anymore.

Am I going to risk it all and try and eat the version of my stuff that I know I could be.

So I've always again, since making that even when I was in my early 20s, I just loved learning about people.

And I think a great tip that I could give if you're just starting to cultivate your confidence.

If you just start to open the conversation up, you'll realize that a lot of people are not as scary as you built them to be in your head.

And you also get rejected in the process which will then make you realize that rejection is not going to kill you, babe.

You know, it's actually, it's like exposure therapy.

When you go get your latte, rather than having your headphones on and being like, you know, I'm scared like that hopperista.

I don't know what to say. Say, hey, be like, hey, thank you so much. This latte art is amazing.

And then you'll end up talking about his dog or you know, you'll start chatting.

And I think realizing that like again, you're on the same page as everyone else.

There's no one better than you and there's no one less than you and treat people with that same respect.

And I think that's the only way to have a take that same respect towards you.

I think a lot of times, it's very easy and I I did this too, where like, you know, the cool girl syndrome or all those, you know, you see these tech doctrines of these girls, especially now.

And now it is harder than ever to be confident because you're seeing the illusion of digital confidence that may not exist behind the screen.

And taking content to please keep that in mind, you know, that girl that's walking into street as confident, you don't know who that really is.

It's a 15 second video and you can't build confidence of 15 seconds and anyone that's going to tell you that is lying.

So the thing is how you start to build it over time. That's the give it time.

Start talking to people, start being like, I have a story that I want to share and I also want to hear other people's stories too.

And then it builds this beautiful chemistry that then you walk through life, not as someone proving, but someone that's curious.

And then again, simple tip, people love to talk about themselves. You open that door and you're going to make friends with everybody.

And again, once you start talking to people, you're going to realize like, I'm interesting too.

So it starts, there's a lot of work that you do behind the scenes, right, like journaling your insecurities, like saying, this is what I'm struggling with. I don't like how this looks or I don't like how I say this, this, this, this.

A lot of times we're hypercritical over ourselves and nobody notices these things anyway. But the second thing, I would say do a friend audit.

If you have friends in your life that are talking down to you, making you feel like shit or being like, are you going to wear something like that cut cancel delete that is truly poisonous for your confidence journey.

So do a friend audit and then be very open about putting yourself out there and putting yourself into new experiences, the things that scary you should go towards a little bit more, especially if it's like new activities, new friends, like join that kickball,

you join a pottery class, write that fucking play, you know, the things that you've been putting off because you're too scared to do just start today one hour, you know, 30 minutes, five, five, whatever literally just do it.

Just make sponsored by Nike.

Yeah, sponsored by Nike.

Just kidding.

The other thing I always think about, which is more like this is like a mental, I don't know if you do this as well, but it's like a mental exercise when I when I used to like walk into a first date when I'd walk in when I now walk into like a room with new people.

I imagine this like big golden bubble around me and every time I breathe it like comes out of my heart and it's like this big glittery bubble.

Everyone else can see and I'm just like I'm just expeling this like insane magnetic confidence like this confident force and that like visualization of myself as this like magnetic golden sparkling orb is so powerful and like just changing how I hold myself and the energy I give off and people respond to your energy if that's why like fake it to make it so.

Correct, like psychologically because people are going to mirror your behavior back to you.

If you are telling them to treat you in a certain way, I as it's someone who is a confident person, they will do that. That's the only thing they have to go off is how the version of yourself you choose to put out.

Yeah, there's a quote in order to in order to be successful, you must present an image of success at all times, right? That was like a business thing that I heard because you know, I think it's very scary in our 20s because it's like.

We kind of don't know what the fuck we're doing and we're supposed to have all this pressure to be like, oh, I'm going to get an A in my university and I'm going to go to this college and I'm going to get be a CEO by 29, you know, all that stuff right.

But I think the key thing, especially if we want to like specifically target energy and business and growing that side of yourself.

Be prepared and I think that's it in everything like I don't drink any time I'm before like I will never drink before I'm filming the next day because I know that my energy will be impacted by a hangover.

So the things that you really want in life if you're given the opportunity, you have to make sure that you're ready.

So that confidence of course is a muscle that you build, but also there's micro habits that you can make that directly impact your confidence.

You're not going to be confident if you're 15 minutes late for the meeting, you literally have a hangover from hell, you're you don't know you didn't even read what this conversation is about so.

Figures you make and be prepared to fake it, you know what I mean like have the preparation done and I think that's also really important when it comes to like your personal life too where it's like if you're going into a date, it's very easy just to like.

It's just just scared of the situation you know what I mean and just like fall back into old habits but like again what you're saying about that energy like I love how you visualize that and I think it's so real.

I'm just saying that I've noticed in my life now that I've started to respect myself people respect me so when I was like yeah either getting like sloppy drunk on a first day or like kind of being all over the place in my work you know all this stuff.

Find out what giving yourself respect looks like I can't tell you what that is only you can know what that is but I know that all of us intuitively know what respect looks like to ourselves.

And I think while I give this advice also know that is such a fluid journey and do not be overly rigid like you could be a CEO in the morning kill a meeting go on a date go get drunk and order like talk about the next day like it's okay but like also know like your higher goals so know that growth my growth has been very.

I'm just fucking messy and I still don't have all the answers but I think you can't you don't lose if you don't quit and like I have a lot of journeys that I'm still working with with my confidence and with who I want to be but I just know that like I'd rather chase the dream then chase the wrong things that I know don't serve me anymore.

I'm just saying that I'm not a good person but I'm just saying that I'm not a good person but I'm just saying that I'm not a good person but I'm just saying that I'm not a good person but I'm just saying that I'm not a good person but I'm just saying that I'm not a good person but I'm just saying that I'm not a good person but I'm just saying that I'm not a good person but I'm just saying that I'm not a good person but I'm just saying that I'm not a good person but I'm just saying that I'm not a good person but I'm just saying that I'm not a good person but I'm just saying that I'm not a good person but I'm just saying that I'm not a good person but I'm just saying that I'm not a good person but I'm just saying that I'm not a good person but I'm just saying that I'm not a good person but I'm just saying that I'm not a good person but I'm just saying that

I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I'm just saying that I

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I think the things that we've talked about are really valuable for not just people like you, like just people in their 20s, right?

Especially like women in their 20s because this is everyone wants to be confident, everyone wants to have like these amazing relationships and whatnot.

But it's a lot harder to do it and like having a bit of a sense of like how you can go about that just by controlling something that is very much completely in your control, like your confidence levels is like super, super valuable.

So I want to say thank you so much for coming on the show.

Thank you so much for finding time to chat.

It was honestly inlining for me.

I feel inspired. I feel like I'm going to go out and buy this like outfit that I really want to buy.

I'm going to I'm going to I'll wear it when I see you. I'll wear it out for dinner with you.

Look like hot.

So thank you so much.

Thank you for having me, Jim.

You're a bright light to the world and you're helping all of us navigate our 20s.

So I'm so grateful for you and thank you for having me.

Look at this positivity circle here.

Also, if you are not following tip, what are you doing? What are you doing?

Come on. She's so funny.

She is just like hilarious, confident, magnetic.

She posts so many like good little nuggets of information and also just like really like high quality content.

You obviously do street hearts and I see which is like your matchmaking show.

You post tips for people who want to model.

You just post like New York tips. Anything that you need. She's a big sister.

She's your New York big sister. She's your confidence big sister.

So go and give her a go and give her a follow.

And as always, if you enjoyed the podcast, please feel free to give a five star review

wherever you are listening right now. Make sure that you're following so that you know when new episodes are coming out.

If you have an episode suggestion, please follow us at that psychology podcast or just follow us because you want to.

Because we share behind the scenes video content.

Anything, everything over on that platform.

So it was so great to have you here.

And as always, we will be back next week with another episode.

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[Finding Love While Loving Yourself: A Conversation with Tiff Baira on Confidence and Dating]-[149. Confidence will change your life ft. Tiff Baira]

📋 Summary

The Foundation of Self-Love in Dating

Reframing Rejection and Breaking Toxic Cycles

The Role of Confidence and Authenticity

Practical Strategies for Cultivating Confidence

🎯Key Sentences

📝Key Phrases

📖 Transcript