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Everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s.
The podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our
20s and what they mean for our psychology.
Hello everybody, welcome back to the show, welcome back to the podcast.
New listeners, old listeners, whatever you are in the world.
It is so great to have you here back for another episode as we break down the psychology of
our 20s.
Today, we're going to discuss something a little bit different.
We're going to talk about what it means to be an attractive person.
Our fascination, our obsession with beauty and why it is that we find some people more
good looking than others alongside the impact of phenomena like pretty privilege and the
impact of beauty standards.
This is an episode that I've wanted to do for a while because I think a lot of us in
our 20s, myself included, spend a lot of time thinking, worrying, judging ourselves based
on whether or not we match up with a version of what is conventionally beautiful.
It's something that we cannot deny caring about.
We are constantly aware of some invisible standard of attractiveness, of beauty, of looks,
of features that are going to make us more socially appealing.
I think at times we are too aware to the point that it really influences our behaviour.
We change certain things about ourselves, the clothes we wear, the hair styles that we
have, our makeup, even our weight, our physical form, our facial features through things like
cosmetic surgery, as a way to not only feel more confident, but I also think to conform
to a lot of societal expectations and norms around beauty.
I think at times that this comes at a really huge personal consequence where we are unable
to see our worth beyond our physical appearance.
We begin to see our bodies in very unrealistic ways or kind of refuse to feel good about
ourselves unless we look a certain way on the day and unless we conform to what the beauty
standard is of the day or the month or the year.
Are we trying to look like a Kardashian today or like Bella Hadid or some other model or
famous image of what beauty is and should be?
I think that can be harmful and it is obviously on our minds a lot.
A study published in Australia literally just a few months ago suggested that nearly
a third of women in their 20s have considered or are considering cosmetic surgery.
I won't lie, I am in that boat, I have spoken to my friends about baby Botox or filler
or chin reduction surgery so much this past year more than I ever thought that I would
and I used to feel really ashamed that I didn't love my body enough to keep it the way
that it was.
But I've realised and I've come to recognise that our obsession with attractiveness is also
highly universal and as psychology will show us very instinctual to our human nature.
Part of human nature is a desire to be attractive because attractiveness symbolises so much
more than just surface value looks.
Attractiveness has this unspoken and implied association with things like status and wealth
but also of course health-free productive value, the quote unquote quality of our genetics.
These are all characteristics that we are hard wired to value because they are associated
with better life outcomes and a higher kind of place in the social hierarchy.
If you want to think about it in a very rudimentary way, psychologists who kind of examine the
social and the psychological impacts of beauty, they often explain why we find certain things
attractive, why we are concerned with our looks based on our ability to reproduce based
on what they call our mating instinct.
So some of these theories are of course a little bit outdated in the modern world but
it's been suggested that one of our primary drives as humans is to basically just have
children and to have the healthiest offspring possible so that they are more likely to survive
and carry on our genetics.
Part of having healthy children comes down to picking a mate whose own DNA background
in genetics is going to best match ours and create the kind of children offspring, kids
that are going to have a fighting chance.
This is very very evolutionary.
Obviously nowadays we have so many different medical innovations and techniques and methods
that it doesn't really matter if your child has certain little quirks about them or certain
things where they're not as healthy as they should be, they're still going to survive
potentially to old age.
But back in the day when we didn't have medical care because we were the jungle roaming
the Sahara, picking the right partner who was going to give your kids the best chance
of survival was really important.
Obviously when we are making that decision we cannot peer into someone's genetic blueprint
and find out if they are healthy or not, we can't peer into their DNA and find out what
kind of medical preconditions or predispositions they have but we can look at their physical
traits and kind of identify whether or not these characteristics are indicative of better
health and be would that make for healthier offspring who are more likely to survive.
So the things that we typically say is beautiful, things like youthfulness, good skin, nice
hair, tall, muscular, large eyes, they are actually all indicative of someone's almost
capacity to survive and also of their health.
That is why we find certain things attractive, not because they are more attractive in a
really arbitrary sense but because of how they help with our sense of security, our sense
of survival, our ability to pass on our genetics.
So the one I always think of is why we find tall men more attractive.
Like there really isn't any reason other than a very biological evolutionary reason to
have a preference for taller men if that is your preference but previously prehistorically,
someone who was taller may have been more athletic, may have been stronger, may have been more
able to reach the fruit higher upon the tree.
Those were all big perks, big kind of pros when it come to producing healthy surviving
children.
Those factors are now, as I said before, not as important but they are still part of
our genetic blueprint.
They are still part of our DNA and it's interesting because the standard of what we find attractive
is actually pretty consistent across populations, ages, genders, ethnicity with only a few
deviations, suggesting that really deep down there is this like kind of profile or image
of the perfect person.
So in one meta-analysis, they looked at over 900 studies on this and they found that
if they gave people a big group of different individuals from different backgrounds, different
ages, different genders, all of those things, most people in these large groups would come
to an agreement on who was the most attractive amongst this group, even if they themselves
had different backgrounds.
This strongly suggests that judgments of physical attractiveness are really hard wired into
human genetics.
They're also likely to be fixed at a really early stage in kind of our upbringing and development.
We actually devote entire portions of our brain to evaluating characteristics of attractiveness.
They did studies on six month old infants and what they found was that these kids, although
they're only six months out of the room, they can't even speak yet.
They look longer at the faces of adults who we would call objectively attractive and
they spend less time looking at faces of those who we would judge as not attractive because
as we've concluded, it's not just about beauty, the social idea of beauty.
It's about something very primal and animal in our brain that has been programmed to pay
attention to looks.
The brain is actually such a good detector of beauty that it can actually judge the appeal
of a face before we are even aware that you've seen it.
So when participants in a recent study were presented with an attractive and an unattractive
face, they had only 13 milliseconds to look at them both.
And from that, just very, very brief vision, they were able to judge which of these faces
the average person would call more attractive.
So they're not even consciously aware of the stimuli and yet we are almost on an unconscious
level able to pick up the certain features that make a person healthier, make a person
more attractive, make a person more desirable when it comes to mating.
So what are the some of the features that we're kind of, we universally accept as being
attractive that we're looking out for?
Key elements that go into our appraisal of beauty on a very, very rudimentary primal
level are age and health as well as facial symmetry, body proportions, facial color and texture.
Only to do with things like skin.
Youth is obviously a major component when it comes to attractiveness.
Older faces are judged as less attractive, less energetic.
Once again, because of reproductive viability.
So we do have this obsession with wanting to look younger because we understand that looking
younger means that we are more attractive to the average person because it indicates
that our time to have children has not yet come to an end.
This really explains like our obsession with Botox and youthful beauty routines and retinol
and whatever else there is that is meant to keep us looking younger for as long as possible.
Facial and body symmetry are also a big thing that we instinctually look for and I found
this really interesting when I discovered this because the reason why we like symmetrical
faces is really fascinating.
There are really small variables that can make it so that we do not have a symmetrical face.
You could have a slightly wider jaw on one side or one of your eyes could be like a tiny
fraction lower than the other one.
One of your cheekbones might stick out just a wee bit more, a little dimple on one cheek.
These are just small quirks that we may love in someone else and that we might find attractive.
But what this science and the psychology is suggesting is that when we look at someone
who has a symmetrical face versus an asymmetrical face, our preference is always going to be
for symmetry.
Firstly, symmetry is good, is valued because it is easier to interpret the emotions of
those who have this kind of bilateral symmetry.
So basically it means that if you have someone whose face is kind of exactly the same on
either side, you know exactly how emotions
are going to be displayed compared to someone who might have small little differences that
might warp how you would traditionally or are used to seeing emotions.
It's also the fact that asymmetry, having a little bit of a difference, is kind of a
sign of congenital or developmental defects.
Not so much anymore, but in the past.
They might be a sign of malnutrition or infection or indicative of a deep adgenetic mutation.
You know those minor variations like having a dimple, having like a slightly higher cheek
bone, that is not going to have any functional consequences.
They do not have a dramatic impact on our lives.
But what we are finding again and again is that symmetry is much more attractive.
It is more highly rated as being associated with dominance and health and sexiness once
again because it comes back to the genetic desirability of a mate.
Beauty perceptions obviously differ for men and women, particularly when we are talking
about cisgender, heteronormative men and women.
And that is really where most of the research is being done because I don't know about
the rest of the scientific community, but the psychology community is a little bit behind
in recognising the diversity of genders and sex.
But from what they have shown, when we look at things like facial hair for example, that
is indicative of higher testosterone levels.
It is also associated with greater fertility and strength.
So women are more likely to prefer men who have those features or who have a muscular
build or high cheek bones, not just because they are more sexually attractive, but because
they might be a better long term mate.
And then when it comes to women and male preferences for women, often it is things like having
large hips, having large breasts, having nice skin, having long hair because it indicates
that you are going to be able to give birth to healthy children and also that you are
getting good nutrition, that you are healthy, that you are taking care of yourselves.
These are just some of the features that we are looking for that a lot of people find
attractive.
And once again, it is mainly linked to reproductive capacity, viability.
And I feel like we spent a lot of time here discussing that fact, what we find attractive
and why.
But I also want to investigate what are the consequences of meeting that profile of
attractiveness or not.
You know, it is not all about mating and having kids.
I think we are a bit more evolved nowadays to realize that not everyone wants to have
children.
But based on our conclusions, beauty standards are only important because of how they relate
to reproducing.
If that's the case, you have this whole group of people who don't want kids and yet they
still really care about their looks.
So we're kind of missing a part of the equation here.
I think that is that way as a society implicitly understand and acknowledge that how we look
our beauty levels, our attractiveness levels, they are important for our social relationships
and for how we are treated.
A lot of that comes down to the concept of pretty privilege.
Our acknowledgement that people who are perceived as more beautiful or as meeting beauty
norms are going to get better or preferential treatment.
So there was a study conducted back in 2019, published in the Behavioral Science Journal.
It found that throughout the world, attractive people show greater acquisition of resources
and better treatment than others.
And it's often those people that we celebrate and promote and see as beautiful, they follow
a very similar formula.
They are thin, they are white, they are young, they are cisgendered, they are tall, they
have good skin, they have long hair.
Not necessarily the everyday person and definitely not the only version of beauty.
And you know what, let's point out the obvious before going any further.
That is super unfair.
It's unfair.
It is an unfair world to live in, especially when the way that you look really has nothing
to do with how good of a person you are.
It is genetic luck.
It has nothing to do with your value as a person, how kind you are, how intelligent you are,
how caring you are, and yet we cannot implicitly escape this privilege that exists all around
us whereby if you happen to match this profile of what is attractiveness, life just might
be a little bit easier for you.
So they've done studies on this and they've found that people who are appraised as
objectively beautiful, they are paid more, they get considered for more jobs, they are
seen as nicer, as more intelligent, more trustworthy.
They even did this one quite recently and it was around employment and they found that
if you are someone who is good looking, you make about 12% more than people who are deemed
less appealing.
It's the same thing with real estate brokers.
If you're more attractive as someone who works in real estate, you make a lot more money.
Psychologists call it the beauty premium.
Essentially, it is the income gap between attractive and unattractive people and one study
has suggested, one group of researchers suggested that this beauty premium, this income gap is
comparable to the gap between genders or ethnicities.
We have some idea of why that is but just because we understand that it comes from this
like weird genetic blueprint preferences of spring, whatever.
It doesn't necessarily make us feel good.
It doesn't make us feel better to understand that even though it's biology and it doesn't
have much to do with us, it's not in our control.
It's still pretty unfair.
It's also really interesting to me because although we do have some really universal ideas
of beauty, the standards around us are constantly shifting and impossible to meet.
One week we need a look stick thin, the next week we're expected to look lean and muscular.
After that, we're meant to have really big boobs and big butts.
That is because beauty standards are social norms, meaning that they are socially constructed.
A social construct is not only very likely to shift and change quite quickly, often with
no reason, but it actually has no real meaning beyond the group in which it is enforced.
Social constructs only have power if the group chooses to enforce them.
They're literally not real, but they do feel real because they are enforced in very implicit
ways.
For example, limited clothing sizes at stores, limited shades of makeup, identical models
in every advertisement.
But the fact that they are a social construct means that they can be changed almost overnight.
Or dramatically because they are derived from really the minds of millions of people,
but then backed up by and reflected by industries who make money from your insecurity, who make
money from selling us a new standard and a new product, a new version of how you should
be.
How is it that we are meant to keep up with those changing beauty standards that make it
so your looks have to be the center of your universe, kind of a constant source of attention?
I think that that is really, really impossible, especially when we understand that we will
be validated by society if we are conventionally attractive.
All of us want to be accepted.
All of us want preferential treatment.
All of us want to be treated well.
And what beauty standards and pretty privilege is really telling us is that you can have that
life, this can all be unlocked for you if you just conform to how we would like you to
look.
That has a lot of consequences for our mental health, our social health, our emotional
health.
So how do we kind of break free from these expectations and this pressure and just be
happy with who we are beyond our physical appearance?
We're going to talk about all of that and more after this short break.
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The problem with beauty standards and the pretty privilege that comes along with it is
twofold.
Firstly, it teaches us that our value is entirely derived from our physical appearance, rather
than the contents of our character and our soul and our personality.
Secondly, it says and it shows us and it ingrains in us that we need to change in order
to be accepted.
That leads to a lot of very deeply rooted dissatisfaction with our bodies, with how we
look.
And this misconception that our lives would be better if we just looked a certain way
or fixed something about ourselves.
I see this all the time in my own behavior, in the behavior of those around me and it's
so upsetting to think how many of us believe that if we just lost some weight, we'd be
able to find love.
Or if we fixed our skin, we would be liked more by people that we work with or people
around us or people on the street.
If we just touched something up there, altered something here, we would be more successful.
It is never-ending because I think when you start believing this myth, so to you by a society
obsessed with beauty, that changing your appearance will somehow change the quality of your life,
you will always find something else to be unhappy about or to not like about yourself.
It's why we now see these terms for people who are addicted to plastic surgery or body
modifications.
It's why we're seeing rising numbers of body dysmorphic disorders and eating disorders.
Harvard University even published a paper on this recently suggesting that, when we see
our value as being determined by beauty, this translates into self-objectification.
And that negatively impacts the treatment we feel we deserve, especially for women, where
we begin to see ourselves as an object that can be admired, that looks beautiful.
We kind of start to minimise these other aspects of our identity and ourselves that are
more important.
Self-objectification is associated with decreased political activism, less assertiveness
or workplace performance because when we conform to an idea that beauty is our only
value in the world that we need to look a certain way, what that basically means is that
your accompanying idea of personhood and personality is restricted.
It becomes less multi-dimensional.
You don't need to be intelligent.
You don't need to be creative or assertive.
You are merely something that is nice to look at, which we know is entirely incorrect.
We are incredibly nuanced, well-rounded, deep individuals.
But when we form an obsession with our looks and needing to fit a certain standard in order
to be accepted, that really just becomes the highlight.
It becomes the only thing we can focus on.
So I want to offer a few reminders here for those moments when you're buying into the
beauty standards, the pretty privilege of the world.
Number one, there might be one standard of beauty that is most common, but that doesn't
mean that beauty is a singular defined thing.
As the saying always goes, beauty is in the high of the beholder, and the things that we
might see as flaws, others might see as kind of really beautiful parts of our tapestry
as a human or a really attractive quirk.
I think sometimes with phrases like that, we think that they've just been developed to
make us feel better, but I'm always surprised by how much truth there are in these everyday
metaphors or idioms.
So research has actually suggested that beauty is, in fact, in the high of the beholder.
There is a preference for certain physical traits, but also it is our individual life
experiences that leads us to find certain people more attractive than others.
Not just our genetics, not just our DNA.
That's why your best friend might be like, absolutely smitten with someone, and you
think they're like a solid three.
It's why we have different types.
It's why we find some celebrities unattractive because life experiences are equally important
here.
It is about environment.
It's about how much we value things like uniqueness, who are friends are dating, who
we have dated in the past, what our culture is promoting as attractive, even what our
parents look like, and that is a whole other chapter of psychology that I don't think we
have time to get into.
But essentially, some people theorize that we actually prefer partners who resemble our
parents, and that is super weird.
Some people say it's true, a lot more people say it's false and a little bit delusional,
but I think it's evidence to show that it's not all about biology in these moments.
It also is about how we have been raised, how we have been conditioned to see beauty, and
also the kind of deviations in that as well, such that even if you don't feel conventionally
attractive, there is someone out there who's looking at you being like, I think that they
are the most beautiful person in the world.
You know, I used to have this like real deep hatred for this mole I had on my face.
I used to Google skin removal places once a day, at least.
It's so interesting because my current boyfriend loves it.
He's like, that is so cute.
You can just never tell what someone is going to find beautiful about you, that you might
actually find really unattractive, because once again, you can choose to conform and try
and fit into someone else's version of a perfect body and a perfect face and whatnot.
When you do that, you also reduce your individuality in the process.
I think that individuality is what people ultimately love the most about you.
My second reminder, and I think it goes without saying, but your appearance really is the least
important thing about you.
Your body is going to change as you age, as you go through certain life events, but what
will hopefully not change is the contents of who you are and how authentic and true to
yourself you really choose to be.
I'm always reminded of this role, Dahlkourt.
He did this book, Children's Book, called The Twits, and in it he says, a person who has
good thoughts cannot be ugly.
You can be the most hideous person out there, but if you have good thoughts, if you are
kind to other people, these will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always
look lovely.
I truly believe this.
And people can never be unattractive because they have shifted beyond thinking about themselves
only on the singular dimension of appearance and have a holistic view of their character,
what they bring to the world, how they treat others, how they treat themselves that is so
much more important.
Additionally, something I like to remind myself when I start to kind of think too much about
my looks and start picking at things, start googling random surgeries in Turkey is that
some of the greatest, smartest, most valuable people in this world do not meet the profile
of what is attractive.
People like Einstein, Steve Jobs, Mother Teresa, I don't think they could have done what
they've done if they spent all that time worrying about their physical appearance more than
their vision for the future.
And I think it goes to show that in a world that really wants to teach you and really wants
to enforce this philosophy that your looks are really, really valuable and really important
and should be a big focus.
There are thousands, millions of people who aren't thinking about that and who are thinking
about how they can actually contribute to the world in a really meaningful way.
And if they decided that they would rather focus on beauty and attractiveness, we would
miss out on a lot of amazing inventions, a lot of amazing changes in this world.
Number three, my final reminder.
We can say all that we want about beauty standards and what makes someone attractive from kind
of an evolutionary biological standpoint.
But time and time again, what Trump's attractiveness is confidence.
Much like kindness, I think, confidence has this ability to always make you the most attractive
person in the room.
And there's a science behind this.
When you believe in yourself, when you are self assured, when you know who you are, that
kind of radiates outwards.
It makes you appear more attractive to others.
And it's this energy that a lot of people often call the glow, right?
This like magnetic golden aura.
And in one study conducted by the Society for Personality and Social Psychology, they
recruited a bunch of people and they had half of them fake confidence in these make-believe
dating situations.
And they found that these individuals who kind of faked it to they make it were rated
higher in romantic attractiveness and just overall desirability again and again and again.
Additionally, a lot of the things that we inherently kind of genetically desire in a partner
are really difficult to observe directly unless you actually take time to get to know
someone.
Things like intelligence, drive, social status, physical ability, personality, they are kind
of things that we understand about ourselves, but other people don't understand about us.
However, when you are confident, a lot of people around you will assume that there is a
reason to that confidence because you do have an actual sense of value.
I think I hope that makes sense, but I guess what it says is you don't have to these people
don't have to question whether you have value, whether you're worth knowing, whether you're
worth dating, whether you're worth investing in because you already know it.
And so they're more likely to believe you if you believe in yourself.
I think that just goes to show that beauty is obviously not just skin deep.
So much more nuanced and psychological and emotional and our preoccupation with it is also
probably going to be causing us more harm than good, whereby the more we become fixated
on changing things, the less confidence we have, so the less attractive we kind of become.
When we reframe our perspective and take physical appearance of a pedestal, we feel so much
more afraid and I have to perform.
And we can worry about pretty privilege and beauty standards as much as we like.
We can acknowledge that the world is really designed for a small group of people.
But each day you also get to make a choice about whether you want to spend your time thinking
about this and trying to conform and spending money to look a certain way or whether there's
something else that is going to be more valuable that you can do with that time.
How many hours are you wasting, fixating on something that really isn't a true marker
of who you are?
How many minutes do you spend thinking like my makeup doesn't look great, it looks a
bit cakey?
No one is really noticing that.
And if they're making a snap judgment based on that small aspect of who you are, that
is highly superficial and it has nothing to do with you.
So it's kind of like a balancing act here.
What are you giving up by spending time thinking about this and what could you gain by spending
that time thinking about something else, thinking about how you can give back, thinking
about your goals, thinking about your dreams, thinking about other people and how you can
make them happy, how you can make them feel loved.
There's one more exercise that I really want to share when it comes to feeling a little
bit weighed down by beauty standards, pretty privileged or that.
And that is a self love, self gratitude checklist.
This involves writing down 10 things that you love about yourself that have nothing to
do with what you look like, whether that is your creativity, how thoughtful you are,
that you're strong, kind, a good cook, a loving daughter, a loving sister.
I think we have been conditioned into seeing ourselves only as other people see us, which
is through the lens of obviously physical appearance.
But when we actually break down that facade and really examine who we truly are, if all
of those things were taken away, we are able to get more in touch with the core of our
true self and actually do something with that, do something valuable with all that time.
I would also say what you consume is what you believe.
So if you are constantly being exposed to only one type of individual on social media,
on TikTok, on Instagram, you of course are going to have a very limited sample for what
the average person truly looks like.
It is one of the mechanisms by which beauty standards become indoctrinated and continue
to control and influence us.
Social media is very, very powerful.
It is almost a way of learning what society wants from you through the kind of content
that you're exposed to.
So I would really encourage you to diversify who you follow, really question why these
models and people look the way they do, how attainable that really is, what would you
be giving up to be that person to look a certain way?
And is it really worth it to just conform just so that people like you more maybe?
I'm starting to believe that it really isn't worth it, especially since when you try
and fake being another person, someone that you're not, when you give up, you're very
much individual, unique beauty.
You actually miss out on meeting people who really have just loved the real you and I think
that's such a shame.
So one final disclaimer, I don't want this to come off as like an admonishment of beauty
or seeing the need to take care of ourselves as a bad thing or you know, not sometimes
benefiting from the confidence boost of looking really good and wearing makeup and having
your nails done and your hair done.
This is kind of by no means permission to criticize people who do experience pretty
privileged or who are conventionally attractive.
I think obviously empowerment comes in so many forms and some of that might come from
changing our physical appearance.
But they also think it's important to examine the societal influence that sometimes leaves
us feeling obligated that we need to meet conventional beauty standards in order to achieve
some level of happiness or to be accepted or to be treated well.
When we feel shame in that sense, shame for just being who we truly are, nothing good
really comes from that.
So you can still accept that beauty standards have a role in our lives and that there are
certain things that maybe do align with the implementation of beauty standards that you
enjoy.
Like I said, getting your nails done or investing in a really nice outfit or following
trends, that is totally fine as long as it doesn't feel like necessary, as long as it doesn't
feel enforced, as long as it doesn't feel like if I don't do these things, my life will
not be as good as I want it to be.
So I really hope that you've enjoyed this kind of more rambly episode.
Honestly it's just been something on my mind.
I've just been really considering attractiveness recently.
Really been like looking at people on the street and being like, you're attractive, I can
tell why is that?
Why do I want to keep looking at you?
Why do I keep looking at myself in the mirror?
Why do I keep picking at my skin, picking at little things on my face on my body that I
just don't quite like where does that come from?
So I hope that this has been interesting, fascinating, enlightening that you have at
least learnt something.
And if you haven't learnt something, I hope that it's just left you feeling a little
bit better, a little bit more encouraged by the fact that you are not the only one who
was thinking about beauty in maybe a dangerous toxic way.
I think it is very universal in our 20s.
Something that we should discuss more, something that we should be more open about that this
is not an isolated issue, all of us are consuming very similar content, feeling very similar
things about what society expects from us in terms of looks.
So thank you so much for listening to today's episode.
As always, if there is a friend who needs to hear this, please feel free to share it with
them.
Only if I start a review, wherever you are listening, make sure you are following us so
that you know when your episodes come out.
And we are still taking episodes suggestions.
We're always taking episodes suggestions.
But if there is something that you want us to speak on, want us to look into, want us
to understand the psychology of for you, please follow me at that psychology podcast and
shoot me a message.
And I'll chat to you over there.
As always, have a lovely week.
We will be back next week with another episode.
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