Welcome to another episode of the Mel Robbins podcast.
Now listen up because today you and I we are going to do some things differently.
I rolled up here to the microphone hot today because I want to talk to all of you listeners
in your 20s because you've been writing in a lot lately. So I see you. I hear you.
Today I am showing up for you and I'm also here to talk to the people who love you.
There are 13 things that I wish I knew in my 20s that I am going to share with you today.
And I should warn you. Mel Robbins in her 20s.
F'd up. We're talking unhinged everybody. This is not an episode by the way for little ears, okay?
Because my 20s were the hardest, most confusing and overwhelming 10 years of my life.
If only I had known these 13 things that I'm going to share with you today,
I would not look back on that decade and want to go delete. And by the way,
if you're in your 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, you're going to love this too because these 13 pieces of advice
I use in my life every single day and I'm 55. And you're also going to love the stories
about how screwed up Mel Robbins used to be. But if you are in your 20s, today I'm
dedicating this to you because you're probably listening to this because your mom sent you this
episode. So if you're currently laying in your bed looking at social media or you have no money
in the bank or you feel shitty about your job or you've just been ghosted by your last hinge date,
do not worry. Mel Robbins is here. I'm going to put my arms around you and I am not going to give you
that world is your oyster. You can do anything pep talk because I didn't want to hear that back in
my 20s and I know you do not want to hear that today. I'm going to tell you the truth. And the
truth is you can make the most of your 20s. And even though they're hard, they can also be
exciting. And I'm going to teach you the 13 things that I wish I had known while I was sitting in
the corner having a panic attack feeling like a loss loser so that you can learn how to pull your
ship together because you can. Let's do it. All righty. It's your friend Mel and today's
episode dedicated to all you amazing listeners in your 20s. You've been asking for this. So now I'm
giving it to you and it's also dedicated to all the people in your life right now who love you.
And you're not there worried about you. They're giving you really irritating job advice. They're
trying to help you with your budget. And the fact is your 20s are a really challenging period
in your life. Full stop. This decade, not what everybody paints it out to be. Personally, I was
lost in my 20s. And when I look back on that version of me, I'm like, whoa. I hate 20 year old
Mel Robbins. In fact, when I think back to that decade, I want to hit the delete button because my
main reaction when I think about who I was in my 20s and some of the shit that I did is just
cringe. I also have two daughters in their 20s who are trying to navigate their life. And honestly,
they're having a really hard time. Maybe you are too. For example, every single day, it seems I
got a face time from our daughter, Kendall. She's 23. She lives in Los Angeles. And when I see your name
pop up, I think, oh my God, I hope she's having a good day today because I have no idea what to expect.
She reminds me of me in my 20s. I mean, one day you're flying on cloud nine. You think you just met
the love of your life the next day. You have negative $25 in your bank account. You think you're the
ugliest person in your friend group. The person you slept with is no longer texting you back. You have
no idea how to do your job. You're terrified. Everyone's going to figure out you don't know what you're
doing. And so whenever she calls, I'm thinking, oh my God, which version of her am I going to get
today on FaceTime? Please, please, please, let it be the happy version. And honestly, I get it
because that used to be me because the 20s, that decade, it is not all it's cracked up to be.
It doesn't feel like the world is your oyster because the 20s are so freaking hard. And that's
just my 23 year old, my 25 year old. She's living at home so that she can save money and she wants to
move New York City in the fall. And you know, I think she's doing great. But the other day, I heard
her referring to herself as a depressed gerbil. I mean, just let that sink in. I don't even know if
she knows that I heard her say that. She was talking to a friend. She's like, I just feel like a
depressed gerbil, like stuck in a cage up here at my periods. I'm like, oh my God.
Oh, and so I'm worried about our two daughters and I really want to help them and I want to give
them advice to help them navigate what is a very confusing and overwhelming and exciting,
by the way. Exciting moment in your life. And so I thought, all right, what advice could I give them
to make them feel more powerful to help them navigate the ups and downs or at the very least to
help them stop crying for five minutes every other hour. So I've come up with 13 truths that you
need to know in your 20s or frankly, at any time in your life, whenever you feel lost,
overwhelmed, unsure, life isn't meeting your expectations, come back to these 13 truths.
And if you have someone in your life that is in their 20s, listen to this so that you can
understand how difficult this period of life is and how you can better support them. And by the
way, share this episode with every single person in their 20s that you know they need this advice.
They're going to love you for it. And that brings me to the very first thing I'm going to tell you.
The idea that your 20s are the best time of your life is complete and utter bullshit.
It might actually be the hardest decade of your life there. I said it. So if you just went,
oh, an adult just told me that it's okay to feel like this is hard. Good. You're not the only
one who feels that way. In fact, I received an email from a listener named Eliza who describes
some of the things that can go down in your 20s. Here's what she said.
Hey, Mel, I've been stuck in what feels like a downward spiral tornado for about a year.
I graduated from college last year and it felt like everything went wrong since then.
Break up horrible friendships. I moved, took a job and then quit tons of rumors and backstabbing,
financial hardships, major fights with family, not knowing what I wanted to do. Basically everything
that I thought would never go wrong did. Now, I just want to pause right there and say, I feel like
Eliza is describing me in my 20s. And so just know that if you were nodding your head,
you're not the only one. And when I read this email to our entire team, you want to know something,
every single one of our team members and our 20s, you know what they did? They started not in
their heads like you up. That sounds about right. And Eliza wasn't done. So let's just jump
back into her email. She said, listening to your podcast, Mel is the first time I haven't received
that standard. Your young, your life is just starting. Your world is at the fingertips speech,
which is quite possibly the worst thing to hear when you feel like your world is imploding one
piece at a time. Well, I'm here to tell you, Eliza, you are not crazy. You are not alone.
Your 20s, you will go through some of the hardest experiences of your life.
Now, let me explain why this decade is so hard because I think this is going to be super helpful.
You're 20s are so hard because it is the first time in your life where no one is telling you what to do.
Just stop and think about this for a second. There's no playbook. And all you've known from zero to 20
is someone else's playbook. The first 20 years of your life, every detail was planned for you.
And it was planned for all your friends too. In fact, you and your friends, and this is a big
piece of this. From zero to 20, you and your friends were moving through life at the exact same
pace in the exact same place. You went from first grade to second grade to third grade together to
middle school to high school, maybe to college, then first year, then second year. You had the same
milestones. You had the same way to measure your success. You had the same friend groups. You had
the same routine. You were all on the same vacation schedule for crying out loud. I mean, when spring
bake hit for you, it hit for everybody else. You also always had kids in the class ahead of you
to show you what was coming next. And guess what? They were following the same playbook.
Then what happens? Boom! You enter your 20s and the real world. And into what I call the great
scattering. That playbook that you followed from zero to 20, it disintegrates. And the great
scattering begins. Every single person you know, scatters in different directions. Everybody is
suddenly on a different timeline. They're living in different places. They're working in different
jobs. They're hanging out with different people. They're achieving different milestones at different
paces. And your entire frame of reference for how you're doing, how you're tracking your progress,
what you're supposed to be doing today, what you're supposed to be doing next month, what you're
supposed to be doing next year, gone. Zippo, disappear, not a, that's why your 20s have a tremendous
feeling of loss of control. There's no longer track. There's no template. There's no timeline
for what to do next. It's all up to you. And that's why all of the stupid adults that say,
the where the day you fingertips, you just want to take those fingertips and curl them into a fist
and punch them into a face. And that is exactly why I say it might be the hardest decade of your life.
There are too many options. There's no frame of reference. There's no way to track where you are
or where you should go. It's all up to you. And it's just so overwhelming. You, my friend, are not crazy.
You're in the great scattering. And I'm telling you that because feeling lost in your 20s amid
all this change, it is normal. How could you not? How could you not feel lost? How could you not
feel this sense of grief? How could you not be confused about everybody and everywhere and where
everyone's going and what you should do? It is so hard for everyone. No matter how great their
Instagram story looks. I'm not kidding about this. Everybody's sitting there putting out the perfect
story like they got it all together with the perfect brunch and the perfect this and the perfect
that and the perfect ski suit. Everybody is panicking. So you're not a loser. Let's just get that
straight. Okay. You're in the great scattering. You will figure out out. If you look at all the
adults that are older than you, most of us are complete idiots and we figured it out. You will
figure it out too. And here's one more thing you need to hear your friend Mel Robbins say,
you have your shit together way more than you realize and you need to start giving yourself more
credit. I must say that again, you have your shit together way more than you realize and you need
to start giving yourself more credit. I get it. Yes, it feels like everyone around you is excelling
in every area of their lives and you feel like you have to pretend like you're doing great. I get it.
You're really struggling and it sucks and I want you to know you're not alone. Everyone is
struggling in some area of their life and I know both my daughters feel that way and I definitely
felt that way for my 20s and it's okay. It's okay to feel frustrated. It's okay to wallow a bit.
It's okay to feel lost and like you don't have your shit together because you are figuring it out.
But I want to normalize this. That's why this is the first piece of advice that the 20s are not
the best time of your life. In fact, it could be the worst because there are so many unknowns that
you need to navigate right now and it's not always rainbows and butterflies and sometimes those
unknowns they make you cry like a lot. In fact, I cried more in my 20s than any other decade and
that's even after I got diagnosed with anxiety and put on so off like I kept on crying and if
you're a parent listening in, please, please start validating what the 20s somethings in your life
are feeling. Stop trying to fix it and just sit with them and acknowledge how hard and overwhelming
it can be and remind them that they have their shit together more than they think. I mean,
remember how hard your 20s were? Remember what it was like to apply to college or when you went
through your first breakup or you were searching for your first job or your friends all moved to a
different city or you were the only one who wasn't going to graduate school or you were the one
that was living at home. Socks! This is the decade that your loved ones need support, not a lecture
because there is so much to figure out about yourself and your friendships and your career
and dating and living on your own and your money and your health and your habits and I'm here to
tell you you will figure it out. Yes, your 20s may not be your best decade. So take the pressure off
and sit tight because the other 12 things I'm going to tell you are going to help you create a master
template for starting to thrive in your 20s and your 30s and your 40s and your 50s for the rest of your
life. All right, now that we got that out of the way, I'll be right back with the next piece of
advice and you better be here for this because it's about money and it's the only money advice I'm
giving and it's a doozy. Stay with me. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel. I'm so glad that you're
here. We are talking about the things that we wish we knew in our 20s. We've already covered one.
I got 12 more so let's jump right back into it. So let's go to the second piece of advice
because we had to talk about money next. I know it's on your mind and it's not in your pocket. So the
second piece of advice is this stop spending your money on stupid shit. You get to choose what you
spend your money on. Learn how to stop spending money on stupid shit. Your generation for example
is obsessed with skincare. But let me ask you, do you seriously need another moisturizer?
When you have three half used tubes at home? No, you don't. And look, I get it. It's hard,
particularly for you guys. I mean, when I was your age, I had to at least get in a car and go to
the store and I still wasted so much money on stupid shit. But you have a bigger problem and this is
why you have to take control of this right now. If you're in your 20s, shopping is in your
face 24-7. I mean, your phone is basically the new mall. It takes three seconds for you to see
and at click and buy. Less than a day for it to show up at your doorstep. You have to take control
of your addiction to buying things in order to make yourself feel better. Just ask yourself,
has that cheap Amazon face roller really benefited your appearance? I mean, you're not dumb. You know
that the influencer who swears by her $300 red light mask has no wrinkles because she's getting
Botox, not because she's using a red light mask that she, by the way, got for free and is making
a commission off of it. I mean, come on, you're smarter than that. Don't give your power to the
influencer machine. Stay in control of your money in your 20s. And listen, I get it. You're spending
money consciously or subconsciously because you feel overwhelmed or sad or insecure or bored or
stressed, which makes you feel out of control. And in that moment, you're sitting on Instagram. You
see the influencer with her face mask. Click, spending money gives you a rush of dopamine. And it
makes you feel in control, right? Of the issue that you're trying to solve, which is what?
Rinkles? No. Boredom sadness loneliness overwhelm. How are you trying to solve that with a face roller?
Then after two uses, you wonder why you even bought it in the first place. And then what do you do?
You feel more out of control and more sad and more overwhelmed and even more like a loser. And
you have less money. Spending money that you do not have on the things that you do not need doesn't
give you power. It makes you feel powerless. And while I'm on a roll, stop spending money on a
new workout set. It is not going to make you drop 15 pounds. Getting to the gym will. Do you really
need a new wallet guys? No, you need a new way to make money. And trust me, you do not need to
purchase a new outfit for every single occasion, especially when most of you wear it once and then
you never touch it again. Stop spending money on things you do not need. I don't care if you bought
it in a thrift store. You still don't need it. You are channeling your energy, desire, anxiety
and desperation to keep up with the trends and the gimmicks and the influencers into buying stupid
stuff. And not only is it hurting, you're already slim bank account, but also trying to keep up with
societies forever changing trends and high expectations is not serving you and your happiness. It is
serving retailers and influencers. It is impossible to keep up by the way. Your 20s are not the time
to go broke. It's the time to learn to take control of your finances. And finances, they play a
major role in your transition to adulthood. So pay attention to your money now and learn how to
handle it. Instead of focusing on how much money you can earn, how about you get laser focused
right now and where is all your money going? Here's a trick I want you to steal from our daughter,
Sawyer. Instead of clicking click, purchase now. I want you to open up your notes app and write down
the thing you want to buy and then let it sit in your notes app for five days. If you're still
thinking about it, five days later and you remember to go to your notes app to buy it, now you can
make a decision as to whether or not this is something you actually need. And what Sawyer finds
is that simply writing it in her notes app satisfies the feelings of desire in the moment.
Again, helping you to take control instead of spending money on stupid shit. And if you're going
to spend money, here's a recommendation. Spend it on things that you're actually going to remember.
I personally don't remember a thing I bought in my 20s, but I had a major spending problem. I wish
somebody had come to me like I'm coming to you and grabbed me by the shoulders and I was like,
Mel, you got a stuffed branding because here's what I do remember. I had five freaking credit cards.
That's how much of a spending problem I had because I was overwhelmed and lost and not making a lot
of money in my jobs like complete fucking moron. I soothed my emotions and made myself feel better
by constantly spending money on shit with a credit card that I didn't need and couldn't afford.
And so when I got married, you know what I had to disclose to my new husband at the age of 28
that I was coming into the marriage with, oops, $25,000 in credit card debt that I hadn't told them about.
So if you're going to bother to spend your hard-earned money on something, spend it on an
experience, spend it on an investment in your well-being or in building a new skill like take a class or
use the money to go to therapy to make yourself happier and learn more about yourself.
That's something you'll remember. You got it? Good. So stop spending money on stupid shit.
You're welcome. Here's my third piece of advice that I wish I knew in my 20s.
You have so much time. In your 20s, you're in such a hurry to figure your life out. Stop!
You have time. Listen to me. No. Really, listen to your friend, Mel Robbins.
You have plenty of time to figure out your life and your career and your love life and your friend
group and your gut health. You have time. You want to know why you think you don't have time?
And I just want to validate something. This time pressure is way worse on today's 20-year-olds
than the pressure that I felt about this when I was 20. And there are two reasons why you feel
so much pressure right now. Number one, social media is warping your perception of what it takes
to be successful. I mean, talk about fucking you up. You spend so much time on social media
looking at influencers or TikTok stars or famous people your age that seem to have everything
that you want. It's like literally in your face whether it's the bank account or the wardrobe
or the BMW or the friend group or the dream body or the adorable little kids and matching outfits
or the NBA from Harvard or the fancy wedding in Lake Como. What is it with everybody getting married
in Lake Como right now? Get this in your head. Because of social media, you are programmed to think
that success happens overnight. I'm sorry to tell you, life doesn't work like that. Not for normal
people like you and me. Start learning how to be where your feet are, not where your phone is.
Success takes time and you have plenty of time. And you're also smart enough to figure out how to
be successful. You have plenty of time to make the money you deserve, to grow your career, to find
love, to get pregnant, to build solid friendships, to learn how to cook, to go back to graduate school,
to organize your apartment so it looks like a studio McGee shoot. The second reason why you probably
feel this pressure around time is that you're comparing yourself to your parents' timeline.
I have a very different timeline than my daughters. I was married when I was 27. I was pregnant by
29. I had so year by the time I was 30. And I'm sure your parents are the same way. Maybe they
met in high school. They were married by 23. Try not to be so triggered by other people's timelines.
And I get it. It's hard. Why is it hard? Because you've been programmed for the first 20 years
to go at the same pace and place as your friends. You're used to being in lockstack with everybody
else. And in the great scattering, the timelines disappear. Whether it's your parents or your friends
or your cousins or the influencers that you see on social media do not be triggered by their timeline
because it's not your timeline. You have to learn to trust the timing of your life. I wish somebody
had taught me that in my 20s. I was constantly panicked stricken about whether or not I was keeping up.
Trust that things are happening for you and for a reason. And I'll give you another example of how
easy it is to try to speed up your life and tell yourself you don't have time. Getting engaged.
There is so much pressure on you guys. To move in with your partner, get engaged, film the
engagement, put the rose petals around it like it's some fucking reality TV show. Get married. I
worry that you're not even giving yourself time to truly evaluate if this relationship is what
you want. If it's going to serve you at this time in your life, like forget about if it's going to
serve you 20 years from now, like slow down and determine whether or not it's even the right
relationship for you now. Your time is precious and you have plenty of it. So slow down.
Slow down so you can figure it out. And here's one thing you can start doing today.
Whenever you feel like you're falling behind it's so so easy, right? Your heart starts
something like crazy. Like you've just chugged 15 things of pre-workout. Take a deep breath
and tell yourself these seven words. I trust the timing of my life. I wish I had had this. Tell
yourself I'm on my own timeline and I trust that I'm going to figure everything out. And one more
thing that helped me a lot is every time I've been in a breakdown in my life, it helps me to say
if the breakdown's really big, so is the amazing thing that's coming. There's a direct relationship
to how you can start to panic and how amazing things are going to turn out. So trust the timing
of your life because you do have time. And that brings me to the fourth piece of advice.
Date the person, not their potential. When you're in your 20s, it is so easy to obsess over your
relationships and try to make any relationship work just so you have one. Like let's be honest
with each other. You'll want to be in a relationship. And I have so much to say about dating and
relationships in your 20s that we're going to do a whole other episode about that. So hit me up
at malrabzon.com with your questions, your issues, your problems. But right now,
I just want to give you the golden rule for relationships. Date the person, not their potential.
Here's what I mean by that. Stop and think. Are you truly in a relationship with a person as they
are right now? Or are you in a relationship with who you wish they were? If you're constantly in
your mind, gripping about the behaviors you don't like, or what you wish they would change,
you're dating the potential. For example, you can't stand that they don't exercise, that they're
a drinker or a drugie or they don't surprise you with flowers or you don't like their family or
they refuse to move and explore a new city or you know what the sex, not that great. Definitely
not as good as your last partner or your friends. Don't get along with them and it drives you
freaking crazy. So what do you do? You try to control and manipulate them to become the person who
meets your expectations instead of letting them be themselves. That's what you need to do.
You need to let them be themselves because when you give somebody the freedom to be themselves,
guess what happens? You see who they really are. You're so focused in your 20s on the things
that you don't like or what boxes they check or don't check that you distract yourself from
addressing the reality and the reality is you're probably not with someone that you actually want
to be with. But you've kept yourself busy gripping about the fact that they eat like shit or
their friends do this or all they want to do is watch golf or they did it, did it, did it,
and you wish they would change and you're so busy in your mind trying to control this that you're
deluding yourself into thinking that they actually might. Let me cut to the chase. No matter how long
you wait, they're not going to change if they don't want to. All you can do is make very clear and
compassionate requests about what you need and why you want to see the change. That's it. And then
here's the hard part. Let them show you who they truly are. Someone's behavior, especially after
you tell someone what you need, their behavior is the truest form of communication.
And if you ask somebody for what they need because you realize I've been dating the potential,
so let me just ask for what I need. And then the true person shows up. You got to ask yourself
the hard question. If this person never changes, is this the relationship I want? How can I describe
this with such detail because I was that person? And one of the reasons why I regret constantly
dating people that I was trying to change is that meant that I spent my 20s in relationships the
entire time. That's how insecure I was. I was constantly in a relationship. And it's a huge
regret of mine because I was so focused on turning it into the thing and dating somebody's potential
that I missed out on all that incredible time in my 20s with my female friends. Don't do that.
You spend way too long in relationships that aren't meant for you when you date the potential
instead of waking up and dating the actual person. And that's why my advice is to date the person
exactly as they are instead of dating the potential of who you wish they really were.
And that brings me to a really important piece of advice. It's not fair. And I'm going to
tell you exactly what I mean by that when we come back. Stay with me. Welcome back. It's your
friend Mel Robbins. We are going through the 13 pieces of advice that I wish I knew in my 20s.
We've covered four so far. I'm on number five. We got eight more to go. And number five is
really important. It's not fair. It's not fair that your friend has a bigger salary than you. Or that
her dad's friend got her that job. It's not fair that your friends get to golf and hang out while
you are studying for the series seven again this Saturday. It's not fair that that chick from
college goes on European vacations every summer with her family and she's got the perfect bathing
suits and the perfect manicures. It's not fair. It's not fair that your roommate seemingly has
the perfect family life while yours. It's so bad they wouldn't even put it on a reality show.
It's not fair that your sister looks like that. And all the men flock to her at the bars while
you're sitting there on your own buying your own drinks. Life is not fair. No matter what life
throws your way and how unfair it seems never. And I mean never let yourself play the victim.
That's where you lose your power. Life is not fair. You're right. But sitting around wishing it was
sitting around wishing all the guys flock to you instead of your sister sitting around wishing it
was you on those European vacations. It's not going to get you anywhere. You can't change what's
happening around you. And the sooner you accept that the freer you will feel. So my advice is move on.
You're spending so much time and energy wishing your life was different and being jealous of those
who you think have it better than you. Is feeling bad for yourself and questioning why not me?
Is it actually working? I mean because it's not going to stop other people from continuing to live
their lives. But as stopping you from living yours. Stop focusing on what you think is fair.
And trust where your life is leading you. And don't ever forget that what happens in a few days.
And often even in a single moment can change the course of your entire lifetime. And that brings me
to the six piece of advice that I wish somebody told me in my 20s. To find your career wins not by
the quantity of your paycheck but by the quality of your circle. Here's what I mean by that. I think
in your 20s you spend so much time looking down at your bank account. Start looking up at the awesome
people that are around you. You're broke, which is why you're focused on money. I get it.
But I want you to focus on the skill that makes you money. And that skill is learning how to talk to
people. Learn how to talk to absolutely everyone. And that means you've got to learn how to get out
your comfort zone in your 20s. I want you to focus your time and energy on creating meaningful
connections in your 20s. God, I wish somebody had taught me this because every time you build a
relationship with someone who is working on something really interesting or holds a job you could
see yourself in or heck someone cool that you meet at the grocery store or the person next to you
at the nail salon or the woman wearing that awesome outfit on the subway. There are so many
people around you and a single conversation could potentially help you in your job or in your
life. So if you each and every human being that you talk to as a win. People will get you further
in your career than any single paying job on your resume ever will because your title, your bonus,
your salary, your yearly raise does not mean shit in the long run. But your connections do.
They are equivalent to how much your worth is in the business world and your connections are
everything and they are everywhere everywhere. Don't tell me you don't have a network because
your network is created by all the conversations you're willing to have. Plus let's be real. Money
doesn't come from money. Money comes from people. It's people who give you job offers and loans
and promotions and connections and hookups. Every opportunity to make money comes from another
human being. I want you to think about this as a daily practice for the rest of your life and
by God I wish I knew this in my 20s. I challenge you to talk to one new person every single day and
go be on the hello. And here's how you do it because I know in your 20s you can be a little insecure
or shy about talking to strangers. So this is a simple way to practice this. Just compliment
someone's nails or their shoes. People light up when you notice them and you say, I love your nails.
You will love that technique or if you're standing in line just turn to the person behind you and
say, what's good to order here? If you're sitting next to someone on the train and they're reading
a book just turn and ask them, hey, I've been looking for a good book to read. Would you recommend
that one? Why do you like it? If you start to do this every single day you're going to get better
and better and better at connecting with people and guess what happens? Your circle organically
grows. And this isn't just about you. Once you start doing this you'll realize how helpful you
can be for other people. And in return you're going to gain a sense of purpose and confidence and
it's going to boost your mood. You don't even realize how much you have to offer. And the more
interested you see in other people, both inside work and outside of work, the more opportunity will
flow back to you. That's it. Learn to talk to other people and the quality of the people around you
will increase. The seventh thing I wish I knew in my 20s do not be a dick. You underestimate how
much currency you have if you're a good person. So stop talking shit about your friends behind
their back. Stop eyeing down the girl who hooked up with your ex at the bar. Stop leaving all
your dirty dishes in the sink for your roommates to take care of. Instead go above and beyond to make
other people feel appreciated and seen. Start sincerely thanking the woman who hands you your
coffee every day at Starbucks. Start holding the door open for people and do it gladly. Start smiling
at everybody who walks by you in the street. And if you had those periods in your past where you
were the bully or you were the toxic friend. Hello, Mel Robbins. It's never too late to apologize.
In my experience and I've done a lot of apologizing for the shit I did in my 20s. 95% of the time.
People are so forgiving. Don't be a dick. Number eight. Now this is a piece of advice that will create
more opportunity in your life than anything else I have said today. You don't get to want something.
If you don't have the balls to ask for it. You have to ask for what you need. You think your
roommates and friends and partners can just read your mind. They can't. Just like you can't read
theirs. And yet here you are. Angry that they're not picking up on what you need. You're angry that
they aren't doing the dishes or cleaning up after themselves or stealing your food because they
forgot to buy groceries or their boyfriend or girlfriend is hanging out the apartment too much.
And how do they not know that they are invading on your news flash? Passive aggressive texts that
you're sending or the inability to say to their face what is annoying you doesn't cut it. And this
applies to everything. If you want your significant other to stop chewing nicotine you don't get to
want it unless you ask for it. If you want your friends to stop screaming and blasting music when
they come home from the bars you don't get to want it unless you ask for it. You're going to waste
your entire 20s. Wishing and wanting people would change that they could read your mind and
wishing people would treat you differently and wishing people would do certain things for you
and they get knocked pissed off and resentful when they don't learn in your 20s that you don't
get to want it unless you're willing to ask for it. Communication is everything and no a drunk
conversation doesn't count. Although that's a good try. I want you to really hear this.
The moment you open your mouth and you ask for what you want like an adult you're going to feel
more in control whether you get what you want or not because all that brooding and wishing
that you do internally it's tearing you apart it makes you feel less in control. And that brings me
to the next thing the ninth piece of advice that I wish I knew in my 20s and it's this. A rock solid
morning routine is the fastest way to take control of your life. Why? You need structure to your day.
How you set the day up is how it ends up. I mean think about those mornings that you wake up hung
over. You hit the snooze button 11 times you skip the workout class and breakfast and then you have
the audacity to wonder why you have the shakes and a panic attack and the sweats as you're
chugging coffee while you're walking to work. I mean I can laugh at it now but that was me in my 20s.
I would literally walk into the courthouse as a young lawyer smoking my third marble or a light
washing it down with a large dunk and donuts my stomach and is in knots I'm ready to puke and I'm
like I think I have anxiety no woman you have a shitty morning routine and if we can level with
each other. You don't have a consistent morning routine right now do you. Don't lie to me don't
lie to yourself more importantly. But if you reclaim that time in the morning for yourself
before your boss before your roommates before social media you're going to feel amazing and if
you don't know where to start your friend Mel Robbins has got you covered your five things proven
by research that you can do less than 20 minutes you can do them hung over to make you feel more
energized more confident and a little less anxious today here they are you ready. Number one
just get up on the alarm rings that's it that's it the alarm rings don't be laying there don't
hit the snooze button don't let the anxiety consume you don't spend 20 minutes going over in your
mind what you wish you would have said at the bar last night no alarm rings five four three two one
get up second as soon as you can get outside and get five minutes of sunlight or just light in your
eyes as soon as you wake up the research shows that it jumps starts your circadian rhythm it helps
you sleep it is so good for you next once your butts outside take a walk walk for 10 minutes and
here's the catch I don't want you to listen to music I don't want you to listen to a podcast
I just want you to walk think freely clear your head based on the research just a 10 minute walk
outside first thing in the morning boost your mood wake you up makes you more clear headed
it is so good for your health next number four drink a glass of water before you chug a cup of
coffee because coffee on an empty stomach spikes your cortisol levels I don't care if it's got oat
milk or almond milk or anything else in it ilk it's making you anxious okay so stop drink the
water before you drink the coffee and the final thing have some kind of mindfulness practice and
the fastest thing to do is journaling just pick up a blank notebook and try some sort of journaling
practice gratitude journal morning pages bullet journals or just write down one thing that you
truly want to happen in your life allow that possibility to flow through you it is time to create a
solid morning routine get up when the alarm rings get your butt outside into the bright light take a
10 minute walk chug your water before you chug your coffee and start a journaling practice you do
those five things 80% of the mornings in a week you my friend are going to feel back in control
and more like yourself in no time number 10 this is what I wish somebody told me in my 20s it is
relevant for every stage of life it is gold you ready get serious about who you're hanging out with
I want you to look at the five people that you spend the most time with really look at them
not like creepy look at them but you know like really examine what are their habits
are the five people that you spend the most time with are they healthy are they driven
do they have goals how do they treat you how do they make you feel and this is the biggest test
can you actually open up and be yourself with them or have they just been your friends forever
because in your 20s it is so important that you surround yourself with people that bring out the
best in you I mean life is hard enough you need the people that you spend the time with to lift
you up to help you work on what you want and it is okay to lose friends and to grow apart in your 20s
in fact it's normal and it happens more in this decade than any other decade of your life
why because you're in the great scattering everybody's going all over the place and a friend break up
it can be good for you and good for them too so this is a really important moment in your life
to stop gripping so tightly onto the people that you've always known because you're such a people
pleaser and your ego can't have one single person dislike you or say a horrible thing about you
so you like constantly you're like gripping onto the wrong people and you're trying to manage
what they think about you and you're kind of clinging and annoying and insecure and you're constantly
stalking people in second stop you're no longer in high school or in cap a cap a bouillard sorority
so just freaking stop you get to pick who you spend time with and it matters and this goes
way beyond friends starting in your 20s you spend more time with your co-workers than your
families and friends combined and you will start to see your friends less and less so think about that
don't stick around a job where you don't connect or vibe or feel like you belong
you're working more than 40 hours a week with these people work with people you admire who treat you
well who treat you like a human being who respect your time off who motivate you to be yourself who
are challenging you to grow just like with everything in life and every situation you find yourself
in whether it's your job the city you live in the party you're at the small college time it's always
all about the people so in your 20s surround yourself with people who lift you up who make you
feel like yourself who bring out the best in you because life is always about the people it always
has been and it always will be and you are way more in control of this than you think and that
brings me to a really important piece of advice that my god I wish somebody you know if somebody
could have like injected advice into my head and just like kind of programmed it there wouldn't
that be awesome that you could just wake and be like oh okay I now know this is a truth and I
operate this way this is advice number 11 be your own person and here's a fast way to do it be
your own person stop pretending you like things that you don't and you know what I have no business
giving you this advice because in my 20s I was one of those chicks that basically morphed into
the same person as my boyfriend everything my boyfriend liked I'm like woo I like that too I like
that too if my new boyfriend like rap music boom so did I if he was into the grateful dead I'm like
past me the bong baby if he was obsessed with fly fishing I would lie and I would say I was
obsessed with fly fishing too in fact when I was 26 years old and I was on my first date with my
now husband Chris he said he liked to fly fish you know what I did um enter Mel Robbins oh I lied
I told him not just that I liked fly fish or I had to go do everybody I told him I'd grown up fly
fishing with my dad now I had grown up fishing but that's different than fly fishing you know what I'm
saying and three months later that lie came back to bite me in the ass because we went to go visit
his best friend who get this happens to be a fucking fly fishing instructor I mean kill me now
big shout out to Jeff Klonsman I y'all say that you want to live authentically well learn to be your
own person stop saying you like things that you don't stop saying you've done things that you never
have stop doing things just because everybody else's learn to make your own choices if you don't
want to go see the baseball game don't go don't go because your friend has tickets you don't like it
so don't go if you don't want to go to brunch then don't if you don't like skiing then sit in the
lodge with a book if you don't want to drink today then don't no one gives a shit what's in your glass
but you and drinking is a huge part of the culture in your 20s it kind of feels like this gigantic
continuation on from college and it feels like when you're partying you're somehow succeeding in
your 20s there's so much pressure to go out to the bars on the weekends let alone the weeknight
with your friends and here's something you may not realize you have a choice to drink or not
regardless of what everybody else is doing you can go to a bar and order a non-alcoholic beer
you can go to a bar and ask for a club soda in a wine glass and if you do want to drink
then do it but stop pressuring everyone else to go out with you and to drink with you find the
courage to do your own thing in the 20s and this may sound weird but you may not even know who
you really are because you've spent so long just following the playbook of the pack the greatest
gift that you could give yourself in your 20s is to take the time to find out who you really are
now here's the challenging part the fastest way to figure out what you like and who you are as a
person is by doing things by yourself because then you don't have the pressure of managing the
person with you and whether or not they like the thing that you're doing go out to dinner alone
bring your Kindle take yourself to a movie alone explore your interests alone sign up for that
improv class or that painting class without bringing a friend try doing things alone to find out
what you really love go to that CrossFit class go to that yoga teacher training alone your relationship
with yourself is the foundation of every relationship that you have and learning to be alone with
yourself and feeling completely comfortable with that it's a huge part of becoming your own person
and that brings me to the 12th piece of advice and boy oh boy this took me way too long to learn
like this one I didn't learn until late in my 40s if I had learned this 20 years before oh my god
you ready you are not in competition with anyone and this is not what social media is telling you
but it is the truth about life you are not in competition with anyone success happiness
friendship it is in limitless supply there's enough love enough friendship enough support enough
happiness enough success for every single human being on the planet why do you feel like you're
in competition with all your friends or competing with your partner for that matter you know your
path is separate from your partner and your friends even if it feels like you guys are like
intertwined right now if you're working at a restaurant and your friend wants to apply there
they're not taking something from you if your high school friends start hanging out with your
college friends that that's not a threat to you you're in the great scattering and everybody is
going in different places and different places and different timelines you got to trust
where your life is going and stop gripping and competing you are only in competition with yourself
it's you against you and when I was in my 20s oh my god was I a piece of shit if my roommate got a
raise oh then I got to get a raise or else I'm a failure and you want to something even more fucked
up if my roommate got a raise or all of a sudden was in a new relationship I literally looked like
they were stealing something from me as if there was only like one raise or one person that gets
to be in a relationship and when you look at life that way you will always feel like you're failing
not only in your 20s but at life and that's how I looked at it particularly with money I was so
fucking broke I looked at anyone making more money than me and I was like that's it all the money's
gone even though they're working at an investment bank and I'm a fricking public defender barely
able to pay for groceries their promotion at that investment bank just took away my chance of
making an extra dollars of fuck you now seriously that is how just puny and disgusting and shitty of a
person I was and the only person you're in competition with is your own shitty self and by shitty
self I mean the part of you that speaks to you in a shitty way and when you're sitting there telling
yourself because your friend just got engaged that somehow means that you're never going to get
engaged that's the shitty you talking and instead of beating yourself down when somebody else has a
win you got to do the opposite it is so hard but you got to do the opposite instead of picking up a
bat and bashing yourself in the head grab your fricking pom-poms and celebrate everybody's wins
why why and you got to learn how to do this even when inside your jealous you're like what am I
going to get pregnant what am I going to buy a house what am I going to figure out my fucking life
you got to grab those pom-poms let me tell you why because when you pick up those pom-poms and
you cheer for your friends you are demonstrating that you know your win is coming to you are demonstrating
that you celebrate other people and I promise you it shifts the energy and the timeline of your
life and the more that you pick up those pom-poms and the more that you celebrate everybody else
the faster it will come back to you and this is a huge takeaway in your 20s you're not
in competition with anyone else it is you against you so stop focusing on why is it happening
and say if I'm willing to keep working for it eventually it's going to happen for me
and you might even add in and if things really fucking suck right now boy is a massive win coming my
way and that brings me to the final piece of advice number 13 and this is number 13 lucky not
unlucky number you're ready this is the most important one I saved it for last I wish someone
had told me in my 20s Mel take the biggest fucking risks of your entire life right now remember
you have time and in your 20s you can get so scared and you can be so easily lulled into the idea
that good is good enough that feeling safe and comfortable is what you should always be looking for
that way of thinking in your 20s in particular dead fucking wrong I want you to start to create
this mindset of taking risks and going big because the only constant in your life for the rest of
your life is change remember what are the 20s the great scattering there's no guard rails there's no
playbook there is no consistency here there is nothing but change which is why you're overwhelmed
and you're feeling it already are you all of a sudden your roommates they're going to move on
to other cities they're going to move in with their boyfriends or their girlfriends or go to graduate
school or get engaged they're going to take a trip around the world and you you're going to be
completely spun around when they scatter if you haven't taken the time to figure out what big moves
you want to make so do not get yourself in a situation like I did where the changes that you're
making are triggered by what your friends are doing plan your life get started now be the one
in your friend group that is the one who makes the big move first do something big I know that
there is something inside of you that you have always wanted to do always and if you're sitting
there saying yourself now I can't think of anything guess you can just look at who you're jealous of
is it a trip that they went on or company they started or an idea that they have or the
fact that they're taking their health super seriously or a book that they wrote start there
your 20s is the time to figure out that yes you can make big things happen because there is
literally no better time than now just like that viral saying when the girl's trip finally makes
it out of the group chat it is time for your dreams to finally leave the group chat and your brain
and come to life why because you don't figure out your life by watching it you figure out your life
by living it and I wish someone had told me to quit my job and figure out how to backpack around
the world and what would my response but I don't have the money for that you're right I didn't but
I could have figured out how to do it I wouldn't even let myself do that and God not taking a year
to backpack and work my way around the world in my 20s it is one of the biggest life regrets that I
have and some of you you might be sitting here listening right now and you've got this thing this
big thing I want to move I want to do this I want to do that but then what comes up all the excuses
in your head as to why you can't make it happen just like I did do not let that rob you of the life
you could be leading if you have a big risk in mind but you stop yourself from doing it here's my
advice just don't be an extremist shrink it how about you do a mini version of it and here's
what I mean by that if you want to hike the Appalachian Trail that is such a cool thing to do end to end
right but you're scared about your fitness level or maybe you don't have the time and the money to
do it or camping alone for that long scares you no problem instead of going on the girls trip to
Charleston how about you take that time to just do a portion of the Appalachian Trail for five
nights alone or you've always wanted to work on a farm in New Zealand or Switzerland but it's too
scary to quit your job at the moment make it happen no problem stop making excuses use your
paid time off to volunteer to farm here just try it out you want to build a journal business
great well how about you sign up for a free canvas subscription and you start tooling around
with the designs rather than thinking about it every weekend while you're out at the bars drinking
with your friends make little wins come true because they add up to bigger dreams and if you can't
think of something let your friend Mel give you the biggest boldest move you could make right now
live somewhere in your 20s you've never lived move in your 20s move you can always move back
plus you live in a remote world now anything is possible a big move doesn't have to be forever
but what happens when you move in your 20s is it changes you forever because moving opens you
up to adventure and opportunity it proves to yourself that you can create an amazing life anywhere
that you are in your 20s it is time to get out of dodge because no growth comes from being comfortable
and you know what else happens when you take big risks you grow you grow into the person that
you're meant to become and when you grow you can't help but create a beautiful life and you are
creating a beautiful life right now you know how I know that the fact that you took the time to
listen to me today whether you clicked on it yourself or somebody that you love sent this to you
I was like I love this lady you gotta listen to this lady Mel Robbins and you spent the time listening
to this you know what that tells me it tells me that yes you can take control of your 20s and it proves
that you want to and so just to recap here are the 13 things I wish I knew in my 20s number one
the idea that the 20s or the time of your life is complete bullshit it might actually be one of the
hardest decades of your life so give yourself more grace two stop spending money on stupid shit
three you have so much time four date the person not the potential five it's not fair six define
what a win looks like by the quality of your circle not the quantity in your paycheck seven don't
be a dick eight you don't get to want it if you don't ask for it nine get serious about who you're
hanging out with ten create a rock solid morning routine eleven be your own person stop pretending
you like things that you don't twelve you're not in competition with anyone so start cheering for
everyone including yourself and finally take big risks in your 20s and yes you're going to have
those days when you see people get engaged or promoted or buy that car and then the next day you're
sobbing because you feel like it's never going to be you it's okay it's okay I've been there too
and I promise you it's part of life those ups and downs it's just not fair but you can ride the wave
and I'm going to promise you something else your day is coming your timeline is your own and you
are going to figure it out please give yourself more fucking credit because you deserve it and
start trusting the timing of your life if you want something work for it if you need something
ask for it and before I go I want to tell you something especially if nobody else tells you
this and especially if you're beating yourself up right now I want to tell you that I love you
and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to not only pull yourself up by the bootstraps
dust yourself off and start thriving in your 20s and riding this wave and doing the things that
you need to do like taking the big risks and moving and surrounding yourself with people that lift
you up why because you have the ability to create the best fricking life ever even in your 20s
all righty now go do it
okay you ready okay here we go just so you can you look at my eyeball I'm sorry I think I have
something in it talk about unhinged that is melt robins today and when I look back okay let me
start all over I'm sorry you guys I am like whoo black asleep male okay here we go okay let's
start from the top I'm getting there I'm getting there everybody and by the way these are all okay hold
on a second I'm doing the by way them filling up too much with my words I probably would not
look back on my third oh my god oh my my armpits stink having one of those days where I'm like dang
I don't know what I am detoxing for
oh and one more thing and no this is not a blooper this is the legal language you know what the
lawyers write and what I need to read to you this podcast is presented solely for educational
and entertainment purposes I'm just your friend I am not a licensed therapist and this podcast
is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician professional coach psychotherapist
or other qualified professional got it good I'll see you in the next episode
stitcher
