This year I've been really rethinking my relationship with alcohol and so I decided to commit to dry January to really kickstart 2025 and just test myself.
Heineken 00 is the perfect companion for dry January because you feel like you're still participating when you're out for dinner with friends, out for drinks, whilst you're still meeting your lifestyle goals.
I'm a big beer fan so I also love the taste of Heineken 00, plus being alcohol free you can enjoy whenever refreshment calls.
Heineken 00 is available at your local Heineken retailer or for delivery at Heineken .com.
You must be 21 plus to purchase, enjoy Heineken responsibly and good luck with dry January.
Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology.
Hello everybody, welcome back to the show, welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world.
Thanks for tuning in, thanks for joining me.
What we're talking about today is something that has been on my mind a lot recently.
It's really been kind of humming away, not so much bothering me, just like something that I've been quite fascinated by.
I went to this concert the other day and when I was there I saw like hundreds if not thousands of people who literally could have been my clone.
They were dressed like me, they had the same favorite song as me, they were living in the same city as me, I'm sure some of them even heard the same name and it really kind of got me questioning are any of us actually having an original experience and am I actually unique?
Could you pick someone out of this crowd of life -minded people and kind of replace me?
And I guess with that the question is who am I if there are like a million others that are like me?
So I thought this is probably something we are all thinking about so let's talk about it.
A big thing that we face in our 20s is the need to establish our identity, one that is unique from our family, from our friends, from our peers, to not only feel that we kind of stand out or we're different in some way but that what we have to offer is authentic and also exclusive to us.
I think establishing a sense of self -concept and identity is a massive task that we face and a big part of that is questioning how can we be unique?
How can we be the only versions of ourselves out there?
You know a rare breed, someone that people look at and think you know wow I've never met someone like that before, I think that's a big part of the allure of individuality and authenticity, you know nothing is more attractive or compelling than someone who lives as their truest and most vibrant self.
And this seems impossible at times on a planet of 9 billion people but I would like for us to kind of really dive into what actually makes all of us individual.
We're not just a copy and paste version of each other, each of us is this like wonderfully unique pattern of experiences who see the world entirely differently but at times we also really struggle with this sense of like who am I?
How can I be completely unique?
And I want to talk about it and provide a bit of a psychological guide into what makes us quote unquote special and my seven kind of major tips and strategies and theories as to how we can be completely unique.
We're going to explore some very wide -ranging theories from the theory of identity development, self -actualization, the origin of terms like basic, how our society has really transformed in recent decades to embrace uniqueness and also things like the power of nature in creating authenticity and self
-awareness to ideas of social conformity and how we can unlearn our need to follow trends and to be kind of the cool girl or the it girl, it's jam -packed.
I love discussing this with my friends, with random people I meet at parties.
The psychology behind this topic is also some of my favorite.
The psychology behind identity and behind uniqueness is kind of only recently I think really begun to be explored in depth and I also think that it's really liberating in our 20s to really embrace what makes us authentic and individual and wonderful.
It unlocks a whole new outlook on life and a sense of self -confidence that I think we could all do with a lot more of.
So without further ado we're going to discuss how we can be completely unique.
So let's get into it.
To be unique is to be like no one else, to be like no other, to be one of a kind and it derives from the Latin word eunice meaning one.
I think as human beings we often strive for uniqueness and individuality.
We naturally want to stand out, we want to express our true selves and leave a lasting impression on the world.
I would say in western cultures especially because of the strive for individuality versus collectivism, those of us who have been raised in such societies we really do take pride and we have this innate desire to be somewhat in the spotlight and an element of that is being unique enough to be recognized
in comparison to the status quo.
The desire to be unique it stems from various psychological and social factors such as self -expression, social differentiation which is essentially how our society assigns the role and status of various members based on socio -cultural factors.
I think as well there's this element or drive for personal fulfillment.
When we express ourselves in unique ways, when we explore our passions and we pursue our interests we do experience a deeper sense of fulfillment.
Uniqueness really allows us to feel like we are having a unique experience of the world and it allows us to really foster our own personal sense of self and growth and development but additionally I think it allows us to feel like our life is meaningful and that it is distinguishable from others.
Especially in recent generations I do think that there has been this rising preoccupation and desire to be unique and to be different which is somewhat of a change from what we would have seen I would say 150 years ago when individuals and entire groups were really ostracized for diverging from that socially
ingrained norm. It was really an era of social conformity back in the 1940s and 1950s.
There was a very inherent idea of what was normal and acceptable and that left a lot of people constrained and limited in their individuality.
When we think about a lot of the major social movements of the last 50 60 years a lot of them were about of course primarily freedom from discrimination and equality but as a secondary consequence the right to be different and by fighting against that either for sexual liberation for equal rights for women
or people of color I think the world suddenly became accepting of different stories and identities and this social trend towards non -conformity has created that desire to now be unique and as that has naturally evolved now there is beauty and charm and attractiveness to being different and we see a lot
of people trying to establish their personal brand as we often call it on social media their own aesthetic their own style and sense of self at times I would say even going to quite drastic lengths to be exceptional you know different in this day and age in this generation is no longer a bad word.
Our 20s are also obviously I think a critical time period in which we are trying to establish a unique identity this period in particular spanning from around 18 to 29 it's been labeled as emerging adulthood by psychologists and it's characterized by exploration by self -discovery and the integration of various
life roles and values so from a psychological perspective this process involves navigating what Eric Erickson called identity versus role confusion and also intimacy versus isolation and in this stage of life we strive to establish a very clear sense of who we are what we stand for but also how we can distinguish
ourselves from others and begin to engage in commitments and responsibilities that are independent from our family unit that are very much our own and I think between our teen years and our 20s we also experience this very big shift from being in high school and wanting to fit in and wanting to conform
and be exactly like our friends to our 20s when there is a lot more celebration and acceptance of what makes us different and sometimes in that process we have to try on different identities to see which one fits that's part of the self -exploration process if you never go through that you end up being
quite dissatisfied because you don't have a true sense of self and often those identities that we try on they are archetypes or even stereotypes of the types of individuals that we admire the types of people that we have seen around us that have been most socially influential so for example this is such
a throwback but I remember in my late teens I really fell in with quite a religious group and that was my identity for a year or so and then I tried out being a bit of a party animal then I was a creative a painter or an artist then I was someone who was very academic and I wanted to be a lecturer or a politician every
shade of person I wanted to see if it fit and I'm not ashamed of those chapters this person I am now is also probably going to change a hundred times over before the end of my time it's a very constantly changing thing but I think what's important to understand is that uniqueness and with that authenticity
comes from a strong sense of self and a strong sense of identity which we tend to believe is a lot more stable compared to what's trending or the people that we're around and the people that we're exposed to and before we think about uniqueness we obviously have to examine identity and we need to think
about identity as a series of buckets that we each fill with different items and each of these items will exist on a spectrum so these buckets they include things like personal history and life experiences this is the one that's most stable it's the hardest to change although I would say our interpretation of our
life experiences may be altered then we have things such as our values and our beliefs such as creativity and honesty and generosity our social identity so thinking about gender ethnicity nationality what religion you follow even our occupation we have our interpersonal relationships as the fourth bucket
so that includes your family your partner your friends then personal goals and aspirations traits and abilities interests and hobbies and finally accessories which I kind of like to call extras they are the ways we present or express the other core components of our identity things that are quite external
so I would say things like physical appearance how we dress what kind of music we like our favorite season just those small added bonuses of things that kind of sprinkle in with the big buckets to make us a fully formed fully rounded out person that's a lot of buckets but no one is going to have the same
composition as you maybe some of those surface level social identity things will be the same like gender occupation even things like goals and ambitions and accessories but there are millions if not trillions of different combinations and each of these elements creates our identity that combination is what makes
us unique and what makes us individual and that is essentially the foundation of what we're talking about today so now that we kind of have our basics down pat we've explored a little bit about the history around this trend towards individuality and the value of being unique how do we apply this understanding
I want to give you seven tips on how you can cultivate your uniqueness and establish your identity in a way that is natural and true to who you are so the first three are about the current versions of you and the final four are about how to expand that version of you into new terrain firstly if you
want to be completely unique you need to understand the core elements of your identity otherwise you're really not going to get anywhere I think that any version of you that is not rooted in something organic is essentially a facade that you won't be able to sustain and further to that it won't leave
you feeling particularly fulfilled it's very easy I think to see versions of people that we want to be on social media and essentially try and press you know copy and paste but the thing is that person already exists and let's go back to the definition of being unique which is to be one not to be two
we each have an inherent mental image of who we are and sometimes we need to have a very nice long look when we feel ourselves slipping into someone else's shoes we really need to get back to that core kind of internal mirror so there are a number of questions that we can actually use to recenter ourselves
and I think they reveal a lot about our true priorities and what actually makes us different so four questions and I want you to answer them truthfully if someone was to describe you what five words do you think they'd use and what five words would you use would they be different so that's one question the second
question what part of me am I most afraid to reveal and why how am I like my parents how am I different what would I do if I knew I would not be judged that last question always gets so many good responses because I think it frees us from a very big core insecurity which is the opinions of others I
truly believe that that is the biggest factor that stifles our authenticity and our individuality because when we constantly are seeking others approval we are shifting our behavior and our expression to be something that is palatable for them and I think connection and relationships are a valuable
part of our well -being but not when they really sever our connection with what makes us unique so what are you doing for others why are you changing yourself for others what part of your existence would no longer be relevant if you weren't seeking the opinions of those around you I think it's really
important to sit on that question for a little while and answer it truthfully and it really leads into my second tip which is to avoid anything or anyone that shames you for your individuality and in some ways also my third tip which is to hold yourself accountable when you are changing for others or adopting
a persona obviously in life there are always going to be people who are cruel and there are going to be people who are rude and that's part of our existence as social creatures but the easiest way to combat these individuals is to stand your ground when we change for someone else we are only doing ourselves
a disservice we kind of let them win there's this theory known as symbolic interactionism and essentially it explains why we feel this response and want to change for others it says that we develop our sense of identity and our sense of self through interactions our identities are formed and maintained
through the social interactions we have with others they're very much relational and the meaning that we attribute to symbols language and social roles but these same interactions can impact how we express ourselves because of that theory we have a tendency to change how we act and our interpretation of the world
based on those around us and we can create these personas which are essentially a fictionalized character and for each persona we adopt we become further and further removed from our true self at work you're one person and when you hang out with your family you're another and when you're around a group
of people you want to impress you create another persona and that persona is different from the one you have with your best friend and which version of you is the real one because when you are living based on how you think others see you and their approval that disconnect with what makes you unique
is going to be even greater those are my first three tips they're really around maintaining your current sense of self and aligning your current behaviors with that version of you but i do think that there are other things that we can do to kind of expand our identity and to expand how we see ourselves
and how the world sees us as well so these next four tips are going to be around how we can almost cultivate a better version of ourselves that is unique that is individual that is authentic so my fourth tip for being completely unique is to challenge your socially ingrained beliefs and break out of your
epistemic bubble so this idea of an epistemic bubble it's essentially the theory that we have all been implicitly taught a certain way of thinking and the certain set of beliefs about the world and that can be incredibly narrow and sometimes causes us to exclude differing opinions you become an echo
chamber of those around you particularly those who have a significant social influence such as your parents and your partners and your friends and people that you admire and your opinions are not your own they are from those around you i think there is nothing less unique than someone who just parrots
back what they've been taught obviously i think it's really hard to break away from that thinking when we think about social pressure and social conformity but if you are listening to this and you are seriously considering what actually makes me individual i would say a great way to figure that out
is to embrace unconventional thinking to question your thoughts on things like religion on beauty on the meaning of life and what comes afterwards what do you think about happiness what's your perspective on success on popularity on politics uniqueness comes from creating a tapestry of experiences and beliefs
and thoughts and that are different and our 20s are the best time to really actually question these things because the older we get we all know the harder it is to accept new ways of thinking and we can become i would say quite stagnant in our perspectives because of factors like neuroplasticity and even
our environmental exposure to new ideas it all becomes a lot more limited so to be unique expose yourself to new ideas i want you to listen to new podcasts like this one and read new books and articles and follow different people on social media who create content that is different from what we are normally
exposed to it's really interesting i follow so many like spirituality accounts even though i would say i'm quite a scientific person because i think it's it's firstly super interesting but it also allows my own beliefs to be more nuanced and adaptive and it allows me to be able to contribute to different
conversations on the point of social media i would also say unfollow anyone who makes you feel like you need to conform or follow trends particularly as they relate to self -expression i would say that trends are not inherently bad or negative but they do create what we would call a herd mentality and a sense
of tribalism or homogeneous way of living it's i think a really beautiful thing to take inspiration from others but i like to think about it in terms of fashion is the easiest kind of explanation and an example there is always going to be a trending bag or a trending dress or a trending pair of shoes
that we feel like we need to own there is always an echo that people are trying to emulate and this can be attributed to the idea of social conformity but also the existence of in groups and of course the power of consumerism we want to be part of the in group and we want to be socially accepted because our
membership to these groups makes us feel better so for example buying you know a two thousand dollar bag or some infamous zara dress is a way it's almost like a token that allows us to be part of what is seen as admirable or attractive or stylish and so we use those items as a way to signify to others
i belong but that doesn't allow for social expression or self -expression because a crucial element of any in group is conformity to the group norm it can be very easy to observe someone else and decide to be just like them because it provides us with a mental shortcut for social acceptance if we already
know that this person is liked by others as popular and seen as fashionable and deserving of praise by copying aspects of their image we are looking to gain the same level of social approval but i do really believe that trends they create social hierarchies and they are based a lot on materialistic
possessions rather than what actually makes us authentic and individual and i think they also blatantly go against that very definition of uniqueness which is to be one to be one of a kind so i would say really try and detach from that kind of fast media and capitalist and consumerist markets of trend
making that is inherently going to ask you to be a person that you're not also when you make decisions about what you're wearing and and those kind of accessories we talked about of your identity ask yourself am i like am i wearing this because this makes me feel comfortable am i dressing this way because i
actually like this style is this actually what i would wear or is it what i think others want to see me in is it because i want someone to see me walking down the street and think that i am fashionable or trendy i think that's a really easy way to kind of blossom in and kind of move into a space in which you're
making decisions for your inner self and for the authentic person at your core i have two more tips for you perhaps my favorite that we are going to explore after this short break stick around you know i love having a cheeky drink with friends post work or a beer with dinner but this year i have committed
to completing dry january to start the new year off fresh and to really kind of kick start the lifestyle i want to have for the next 12 months heineken 00 is the perfect companion for this journey because it has 0 .0 alcohol so i can still socialize enjoy myself get out there without feeling like i'm
missing out plus it genuinely actually tastes very very delicious my fridge is now stocked with heineken 00 and friends of mine will even join me for an evening or for an afternoon going alcohol free if you are also taking part in dry january this year or just looking for your new favorite drink heineken
00 is it heineken 00 is available at your local heineken retailer or for delivery at heineken .com you must be 21 plus to purchase enjoy heineken responsibly and good luck with dry january all righty so we have two more tips that i want to share tip six is quite possibly my favorite and it's not one
that i think we would typically think about and that is to spend time in nature i cannot stress this highly enough it might seem like a strange edition but i read this paper it's called the significance of being unique and the author talks about how living close to nature is essential for cultivating
identity and to also exercise our intelligence and to be individual and i not only find that very true from personal experience but i think that is a really beautiful summary and explanation as to how nature really cultivates our identity for us there was this incredible study it was conducted in 2017
and it essentially showed what i think that we've known for a long time which is that exposure to nature restores a lot of our cognitive capacities and it is a very important aspect of maintaining our identity and sense of self so we're going to do a whole episode on the healing power of nature because ecopsychology
is possibly my new favorite thing but when we spend time in outdoor environments what it does is it essentially provides us with different stimuli and experiences that help to rewire our brain it provides time for contemplation and it exposes us to things that bring us interesting stories and learning
experiences and aspects and beautiful things that we bring back to ourselves and that allow us to express ourselves differently and be unique it's definitely not spoken about enough but just i think watch the change that even 90 minutes of outdoors time a week will have on your mindset on the originality
of your thoughts on your self -confidence and creativity i think additionally it's very easy to spend time inside and to do the most convenient thing but every new thing that you do every new challenge every unique experience it really creates a version of you that is more true and more authentic also it's
just that aspect of doing things that are different right most people don't prioritize spending time in nature and i guess part of being unique is finding the right identity that suits you based on your interest and based on kind of your inner calling so being prepared to try new things such as go outdoors
such as you know just see the world around you is a great way to kind of distinguish yourself as well my final tip for being completely unique is to engage in something creative creativity in whatever form you choose whether that's doodling or making up songs or writing or knitting or painting or ceramics
it really doesn't matter these activities reveal hidden parts of ourselves when we engage in a creative activity we enter what psychologists call a flow state which is essentially a place of deep fulfillment and peace where a lot of our internal inhibitions are relaxed and we are going to give ourselves
permission to access the parts of ourselves that we have been told to suppress you don't even need to be good at it you can be terrible at whatever you're doing but what this theory and this understanding is going to tell you is that just engaging in something that is new and fresh and novel and activates
different parts of your brain is going to allow you to view information in novel ways and to be playful and to engage in self -discovery and reveal new facets of your identity not just to other people but to yourself i think people who have hobbies as well and who do something other than work and look
at their phones they are just generally more interesting it is the easiest thing in the world to do what is convenient to get that lingering and an addictive dopamine hit from social media and technology to doom scroll for hours and hours and you know a part of it is because these activities are deliberately
made to be addictive but i think that's not going to make you an especially unique or fun person because most people are doing the same most people are really living for their phones and living for technology rather than living for the things that i think really bring a lot of flavor and color to our
lives i want you to find even just that one thing that you do in your free time that gets you out of your mind and into your imagination and allows you to build these new elements of your identity that are unlike anyone else's but also to find time to actually reflect and sit with what's actually going
on in your life i think self -awareness and being unique come very much hand in hand so those are my major tips but i think regardless of what you think of those maybe you're still struggling with what makes you a unique person so i just want to quickly take a second and i guess just provide you with some
reminders around why we really are different and special and purposeful here are just some basic things that i found that no one else in the world has that you do your fingerprints first of all self -explanatory but not even identical twins have the same fingerprints isn't that so beautiful that each
of us has such a unique cell composition that our body and the patterns on our skin are never going to be recreated there's one thing also your ears super random but since like the 1950s forensic scientists and psychologists they have been using the measurements of someone's ears to match the prints
left behind at crime scenes with almost 100 accuracy so that is another way that you are not like anyone else your body odor as well each of us has like a different scent which i think is like amazing it's also why sometimes you're really attracted to the smell of someone else and their pheromones everyone's
smell is made up of a combination of like 44 different compounds so there you go there's one way that you're special you have your own unique perfume almost your unique scars and your moles even the freckles on your body and the pores on your nose they are like constellations they're nothing else there
is nothing else in the universe like it and your laugh i think that is one of the things that we love the most about others is how they laugh how they express joy and it's interesting to know that that is unique to each of us it's like our own signature sound and of course our thoughts no matter how
much you and another person agree no matter how much you are similar your individual thoughts will never be replicated you are like a walking miracle there is nothing that will ever exist quite like you or has ever existed quite like you and i think that is a really beautiful reminder when we're struggling
with where we actually sit in the world i think naturally we hate being seen as basic or as run of the mill i absolutely hate the use of the term basic i think it's always just used to kind of negate shared interests or general similarities that you share with others i also think it's just another word
used to put down people especially women for the aspects of their identity that they value to imply that they don't contain multitudes that they are not individual and that they are not someone with unique thoughts and feelings and worries and a unique identity i really hate that term like i think it's
often referred to when we are like fans of certain like pop culture icons or certain like fashion brands or tv shows or music there's a reason that those things are popular it's because they are good and you do not need to try and distinguish yourself by pretending to hate those things i think people
who refer to like certain bands or certain anything really as basic are really just projecting an insecurity that they themselves are not fierce and strong enough in their own identity to feel like they don't need to tear others down so there you go i think that a reason it can be so powerful and the reason we
use that term is because it really does tap into this very human insecurity we want to think that we are different because otherwise our existence is somewhat irrelevant if someone could take our place in our relationships if someone could do our job if someone could have the thoughts that we're having
create what we're creating well that's quite depressing because it essentially makes our influence and place in the world quite inconsequential it's one of the big pillars of existential dread or even an existential crisis in in psychology this refers to that feeling that life is inherently pointless
and that we have no reason for being here nothing we do has meaning nothing about our lives is special i think that's a really hard thought to counteract but by applying those strategies we can feel more at peace with what we have to offer that we are individual that we know ourselves and when we tap
into our creativity when we question our surroundings and our beliefs when we truly examine what we want and who we are and we allow ourselves to express who we are authentically beyond trends we really bring a sense of meaning to our lives you do not feel like just another person walking down the street
you do not feel like a bit of a drone you are yourself you know i always think like i am gemma and isn't that beautiful like there is no one else like me everyone walking down the street is like this incredible tapestry of every experience and everything that's happened and their lives and their thoughts
and their narrative will never be recreated remember being completely unique it's not about trying to be something that you're not it's about embracing who you are your authentic self and expressing it in a way that sets you apart and that journey towards being unique is a lifelong process and i don't
think it's one that we can do lightly it's one that requires constant self -reflection and growth and adaptation but by really taking the time to distinguish ourselves from others to live our lives as if we are the only version of ourselves of which we are we kind of find a new meaning and a new purpose
and we feel like who we are on this planet actually matters so i hope that you have enjoyed this i hope that you feel completely unique i hope that you are able to apply these strategies and these tips to feel more confident i think that's like the general outcome that i want from today's episode it's
really been something that i've been trying to apply to my own life but also trying to counteract this like weird fear of being deemed or seen as basic or like everyone else it's such i think a conundrum with social media in which we're able to really see a thousand different reflections of ourselves
and the people who look like us but also this like striving for individuality and and to have a brand and to have a style and to be unlike anyone else and and fame and success there are just all these themes that are really hard to escape but in our 20s we do have this opportunity to be able to figure
out who we are so i would say don't take the task too lightly it's an important thing to do and if you did enjoy this episode please if you feel called to do so leave a five star review wherever you are listening right now i see all the love i read them all it is really like it's such a joyful experience
so thank you for those who have left a review i see it and i very much appreciate it also if you have an episode suggestion or you want to be part of the community and see what we're up to please follow along at that psychology podcast on instagram there's so much over there you can also see some filmed
slash video versions of the podcast it would be great to have you be part of the community and finally if there is someone in your life who needs to hear this episode who has been struggling with their sense of uniqueness with any of the things we spoke about today please feel free to share it along
share the love it would be great to have them listening along we will be back next week as always with another episode this year i've been really rethinking my relationship with alcohol and so i decided to commit to dry january to really kickstart 2025 and just test myself heineken 00 is the perfect
companion for dry january because you feel like you're still participating when you're out for dinner with friends out for drinks whilst you're still meeting your lifestyle goals i'm a big beer fan so i also love the taste of heineken 00 plus being alcohol -free you can enjoy whenever refreshment calls
heineken 00 is available at your local heineken retailer or for delivery at you must be 21 plus to purchase enjoy heineken responsibly and good luck with dry january
