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You think saying no will let the other person down.
Well, guess what?
When you say yes when you don't want to, you let yourself down and you let that person down.
And in the long term, you actually end up building resentment.
It's better to say no and continue to have a relationship than say yes and resent the relationship.
The number one health and wellness podcast.
Jay Shetty.
Jay Shetty.
The one, the only Jay Shetty.
Hey everyone, it's Jay Shetty.
Welcome back to On Purpose.
It blows my mind that millions of you tune in every single day to listen and to watch.
Make sure you've subscribed to my YouTube channel so that you never miss a video, and make sure you've subscribed on Apple Spotify, iHeart or wherever you get your podcasts, so that you don't miss a drop.
I've got so many exciting things coming your way.
Now.
It's a very special episode today because tomorrow, if you're listening to this, on the 5th of September 2025 tomorrow, the 6th of September, is my birthday.
And every year, I love to do a reflection introspection episode.
Today, I'm going to share with you lessons I've learned in the last 12 months.
They're about life, people, relationships, I'm gonna give you the biggest ones that I've taken away.
These are real lessons that have come from lived experience, come from my own mistakes, come from my own challenges and struggles.
And I love doing this episode for you every year because it really gets me into my own heart and mind.
And I get to open up about it with all of you.
I always find that birthdays become about parties.
They become about gifts.
They become about presents and time with the people you love.
And those are all really beautiful things.
But for me, they're also a time of taking stock.
Evaluating, auditing and looking at my life, making sure that I'm moving in the direction that I want, that I'm serving my mission and purpose in the way that I want and that I'm showing up for myself and the people I love in the way that I want.
It's a beautiful annual ritual that I love to do and I'm so glad I get to share it with you all on the podcast.
So here are the top 10 lessons I've learned in the last 12 months.
The first one is helping less can actually help more.
This one is so hard to say as a coach.
It's so hard to say as someone who's always trying to help others.
It's so hard to admit as someone who wants to see others grow.
And I'm sure you're the same.
When you love someone, when you care about them, you want to help them.
You want to be there for them.
You want to show up for them.
You want to solve all their problems.
You want to fix everything.
But here's what I've learned.
Often when you try to help others, you can actually end up hurting them.
You hurt them not because of you helping, but because your helping ends up enabling them.
It ends up making them dependent.
It makes them feel that they're inadequate to make the change themselves.
It makes them feel that they can't depend on themselves.
They have to depend on you.
It makes them feel that if you're not around, they might not know the answer.
Really powerful leaders make people believe in themselves.
You're not trying to get people to believe in your advice, to think that you're a great person because you're always around.
You want people to reconnect with their own intuition, their own gut instinct.
And when you're busy solving, fixing and helping everything, they never get the opportunity to do that.
Ask yourself when you're helping someone, Are you giving them the opportunity to help themselves or are you taking it away?
When you're trying to support someone, are you assisting or are you trying to solve everything for them?
When you're trying to be present for someone, are you actually trying to fix and control everything, or are you just there for a helping hand?
It's so counterintuitive, but it's true.
Overhelping creates dependency.
Studies on learned helplessness show that if you rescue people too often, they stop building resilience.
If you always rescue someone when they're in danger, they don't develop the skills themselves.
If you always fix things for people when they're struggling, they don't learn to fix it themselves.
If you're always rushing to help someone when they're going through a challenge, they may lose the ability to help themselves and you may hurt them instead.
Your best intentions could actually cause someone long-term pain.
Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is step back and let someone stumble.
Real coaching isn't carrying someone up the mountain.
It's reminding them they have legs.
We think helping people is always noble, But sometimes help is just disguised control.
Think about that for a second.
When you jump in too quickly, you teach people that they can't handle life without you.
When you carry their load, they never build the muscle to carry it themselves.
When you do everything for someone, they develop learned helplessness when people stop trying because someone else always steps in.
Your rescuing can rob them of resilience.
Your fixing can steal their chance to figure it out.
Your guidance can block them from developing their own inner compass.
Helping someone can actually hurt them.
Trying to fix someone can actually make them feel more broken.
When you rush to solve, you send the hidden message, you can't do this without me.
It can turn love into pity.
It can turn care into control.
Support doesn't mean solving, love doesn't mean fixing, compassion doesn't mean control.
Helping someone can hurt them.
Fixing someone can break them.
Carrying someone can weaken them.
Protecting someone can trap them.
Saving someone can silence them.
People don't grow when you do it for them.
They grow when you believe they can do it themselves.
They don't need your rescue.
They need your trust.
They don't need a fixer.
They need a witness.
Someone to say, I saw you do that.
And I'm here to watch you do it again.
I'm here to give you a helping hand if that's what you need right now, but realizing that you don't want to take away their opportunity.
It's almost like saying, hey, I'll be with you at the gym, but I'll lift the weights for you.
That wouldn't make any sense, right?
I can be with you at the gym, but I can't lift the weights for you.
I'll be with you by your side, but I'm going to do the diet for you.
It doesn't work that way.
You can't transfer your sacrifice into someone else's success.
You can't transfer your discipline into someone else's desire.
You can't transfer your work into someone else's worth. doesn't work that way.
They have to have the discipline.
They have to do the work.
They have to make the sacrifice.
You can be there by their side, but you can't do it for them.
This is a huge lesson that I've learned this year.
And I've realized it's a painful one, because my nature is to want to see people reach their potential.
And I want to speed it up for them.
I want to solve it for them.
I want to accelerate it for them.
But I've seen time and time again that when I step back, when I'm present, when I'm there, that person builds a confidence like they never could have if I did it for them.
And that's actually more beautiful to watch and observe.
And I've seen it this year and I've actually said it to people.
Hey, I am ready to help you with whatever you need.
But one thing I've learned about growth is that I believe you genuinely have the ability to grow yourself.
You don't need my advice.
You don't need me to tell you what to do.
You actually already know it inside of you.
I want you to connect with that and watch how empowered they feel.
Make people believe in them, not in you.
That's the goal.
Lesson number two is something that I've heard this year that really resonated with me.
Saying no is a full sentence.
We think yes keeps relationships alive, but research on boundaries shows the opposite.
People who can say no clearly are more trusted and more respected.
Every yes that betrays yourself erodes connection.
Every no that protects your truth deepens it.
No isn't rejection.
It's honesty in its purest form.
Now, we all struggle saying no.
Think about the last time you struggled saying no.
Saying no is so hard because it triggers the fear of rejection.
Humans are wired for belonging.
Evolutionary psychology shows rejection once meant literal death.
Exile from the tribe.
You've been kicked out. that wiring hasn't disappeared.
Saying no feels dangerous because our brain interprets it as risking disconnection.
Another reason why we struggle to say no is something known as the guilt reflex.
When you say no and think about this the next time you do it, especially to people close to you, your brain actually releases the stress hormone cortisol that mimic the discomfort of guilt.
This is why so many people, all of us, we overexplain or we apologize, right?
We're soothing our own nervous system, not just the other person, because we're now feeling a sense of guilt.
But here's what happens when you say no. it builds self-respect.
Studies on assertiveness training show people who practice saying no report higher self-esteem and lower anxiety.
Every no is a small vote of confidence that your time, energy, and needs actually matter.
This happened to me the other day.
I was actually with a friend.
I hadn't seen them for a long time.
And they were telling me about some really deep struggles they were having in their life.
And someone wonderful came up to the table who wanted a picture and to say hello.
And I said hey, I would love to do it right afterwards, but I just need to be present with this person right now.
And my heart sank.
I didn't want to say no.
I get so happy when I bump into you all at airports, restaurants, wherever I am.
I love it.
I really enjoy seeing you all.
And I felt so bad saying, hey, you know what?
I'll do it later, but I can't right now because the person I was talking to was sharing some really emotional, difficult stuff that they were going through.
And I wanted to be present for them.
But having done that, I could tell how much it meant to the person with me.
And I really hope the other person understood.
It wasn't that I was being mean.
It's not that I didn't want to do it.
It was just that I was trying to draw a boundary that was important to me.
And it's really hard.
It's really hard.
Nine out of 10 times, I would say yes immediately. but learning to say no was so important.
The other thing is that when we say yes without alignment, it actually breeds resentment.
Think about this for a second.
When your friend asks you for something and you want to say no.
But you say yes to people, please.
You say yes because you don't want to let them down.
You say yes because you know they might overreact.
What ends up happening?
In the long term, you end up thinking, God, I hate this person.
I've got to go do this thing for them today.
I've got to get through this thing today.
Oh my God, I got to do this thing.
It's made into resentment.
If you say yes without alignment, it actually breeds resentment.
Social psychologists find that when people say yes out of obligation, it leads to cognitive dissonance, a clash between values and actions.
Over time, this erodes relationships more than an honest no ever could.
You think saying no will let the other person down.
Well, guess what?
When you say yes when you don't want to, you let yourself down and you let that person down.
And in the long term, you actually end up building resentment.
It's better to say no and continue to have a relationship than say yes and resent the relationship.
By saying no, you protect the quality of your future yes.
People begin to trust your yes more because it's no longer automatic.
Boundaries create credibility.
A woman my mom worked with once told me she had spent her entire life saying yes.
Yes to family, yes to her kids, yes to her community.
She was the person everyone leaned on.
Birthdays, last minute babysitting, emotional support, loaning money, cooking meals, you name it.
If someone asked, she said yes.
But behind the yes, she was exhausted.
She felt invisible in her own life.
She told me, I didn't even know what I liked anymore.
I only knew what everyone else wanted.
One day her daughter asked her to watch the grandkids again after she had already cancelled plan twice that week to help.
Something inside her broke for the first time in 30 years.
She said, no, not today.
I need rest.
Her daughter was shocked, upset, even guilted her.
And that old fear came flooding in.
What if she loved me less?
What if I'm needed less?
But something surprising happened.
The world didn't fall apart.
Her daughter figured it out.
And for the first time, she spent the day doing something just for herself reading, walking and sleeping without apology.
And later her daughter admitted.
At first I was mad, but then I realized you've never said no to me.
You deserve to.
That single no rewired the entire family dynamic.
Her daughter stopped assuming she'd always be available.
Her grandchildren learned by example that boundaries are normal.
And the woman herself.
She told me That no felt more like love than all the yeses I gave for decades.
Saying yes constantly had made her resentful.
Saying no finally made her relationships more honest.
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for others is to stop betraying yourself.
Learn to say no.
Learn to say, not now.
Learn to say, this doesn't work for me.
Learn to say, I can't carry that today.
Learn to say, I need space.
Learn to say, I've changed my mind.
Learn to say, I deserve better.
Learn to say yes only when your whole self agrees.
Because every fake yes is a quiet betrayal.
And every honest no is an act of respect. for you and for them.
Lesson number three that I've learned in the last 12 months is your attention is your real bank account.
I noticed a few years ago how, when I started using TikTok, my attention started to diminish and it took a lot of effort to bring it back.
I was someone who loved reading books.
I was someone who loved getting into deep journals and articles.
And all of a sudden I saw myself looking for eight seconds of joy, entertainment and speed of consumption.
And I started to realize my attention is my real bank account, because what makes or breaks your life is where you spend your attention.
Cognitive psychology calls this attentional control and it predicts success better than IQ.
Think about it.
Billionaires go bankrupt, but someone who can direct their focus can rebuild.
Your attention isn't just currency, it's compound interest.
Neuroscientists call our attention a limited resource.
Every time you focus, you spend mental energy.
Like money, you can invest it, waste it, or lose it.
Unlike money, you can never get it back.
Psychologists have found that people who learn to direct their attention intentionally, what they read, what they notice, who they give time to predict life satisfaction more than income or IQ.
Stop wasting your attention on people who don't value yours.
Stop wasting your attention on problems you can't control.
Stop wasting your attention on scrolling through strangers' lives.
Stop wasting your attention.
It is your greatest wealth.
When I think about my attention, I think about it like my bank balance.
There's only a limited amount you have to spend.
How are you going to use it?
How are you going to direct it?
How are you going to focus it?
How are you going to allow yourself to not be consumed by unnecessary things?
Let's say someone did something really bad to you.
Let's say someone wronged you.
How much time do I wanna waste trying to solve that?
How much energy do I want to spend trying to get an apology?
How much time am I willing to give away and never get back, hoping that person will realize what they did was wrong?
We waste hours, days, weeks of our life on things that won't make a difference.
The next time you're upset by something, ask yourself, do I really care?
Even if I get the result I want, will it really matter or is there a better use of my time?
Is there a better use of my energy?
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The other lost their lunchbox before the first week of school even ended last year.
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As the weather cools down and the days get shorter, I always find myself wanting to make my home feel cozier.
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Now let's continue this incredible conversation.
Lesson number four is that achievement without alignment feels like failure.
We think success guarantees fulfillment, but psychology shows, when your achievements don't match your values, they feel hollow.
That's why people hit milestones, the promotion, the house, the wedding, and feel emptier than ever.
It's not that the house, the wedding, or the milestone wasn't important.
It's that, did you connect it to your values?
Success without alignment isn't success.
When actions and values don't match, the brain experiences internal conflict.
For example, I value family, but I spend all my time at work.
I value creativity, but my role only rewards efficiency.
This dissonance, this distance creates stress, anxiety and eventually burnout, even in successful people.
This is what I've learned this year that really blew my mind.
I want you to remember this.
You'll become successful by what you get. you will become happy by what you lose.
When you get a new job, a promotion, a new level, you'll feel successful.
But you'll only feel happy when you lose.
When you lose envy, when you lose ego, when you lose greed, it's when we lose that we become happy.
Because for years, I used to hear people say, money doesn't buy happiness.
And so that didn't make sense to me.
And also I saw people with money who are happy.
I saw people without money who are happy.
So I said, okay, well, that doesn't make sense either.
So what was it?
What I saw is that it didn't matter what you did have or didn't have in terms of things, in terms of success, but it did matter what you did or didn't have internally.
So if you had money, but you had envy, you weren't happy.
And if you had money, but you didn't have envy, you could be happy.
It was the lack of envy and the lack of ego that guaranteed happiness, no matter what position you were in, because those were the two traits that pushed away love and relationships.
If you're egotistical, you turn people off because now they don't want to be around you.
And if you're envious, you get turned off by people that you don't want to be around.
When you have arrogance and ego and bravado, you push people away.
When you have envy, you do the same thing.
You can't be friends with someone you're envious of.
And no one wants to be friends with you when you're egotistical.
You lose the most valuable part of human life, which is human connection and relationships, when these two qualities take over your life.
As much as we're working on what we get, we have to work on what we want to lose.
Mastering ego and mastering envy are a daily practice.
They're a daily habit.
You will be so much happier if you reduce your envy.
You'll be so much happier if you reduce your ego, not just increase your output, not just increase your productivity, not just increase your efficiency.
I promise you, give attention to that part of your life.
I focus on that part of my life a lot.
I call it the seeds and weeds.
I think about envy and ego like weeds in the garden of my life that I have to uproot, that I have to take out, that I have to purify.
And you feel so much better for it.
Lesson number five, the people who frustrate you teach you the most about you.
Annoyances aren't random.
Psychologists call it projective identification.
The traits we can't stand in others often mirrors parts of ourselves we haven't accepted.
That controlling boss, maybe it reflects your own fear of letting go.
People are mirrors, not just irritants.
It doesn't mean that they don't have that problem, and what you're seeing isn't real, that you may have it too.
Your triggers are your teachers.
Your jealousy is your guide.
Your anger is your mirror.
Your irritation shows you your wounds.
Your defensiveness reveals your fear.
Your impatience exposes your expectations.
Your sadness reveals highlights your values.
Every reaction is a revelation.
Every trigger is a teacher.
Life will keep sending you the same lesson until you learn from it.
Lesson number six, kindness is remembered longer than achievement.
Ask people about their mentors or loved ones and they rarely recall accomplishments.
I doubt you'll end up at a funeral and hear about someone's accomplishments.
I doubt you'll end up at a 70th birthday and hear about someone's accomplishments.
I was actually just at a dear family friend's 70th birthday a couple of weeks ago.
No one talked about his achievements and he has plenty.
They recalled moments of kindness.
They recalled moments of genuine, sincere connection.
Behavioral science shows emotional memory outlasts factual memory.
People forget what you achieved.
They don't forget how affectionate you were.
People will remember when you were kind.
People will remember when you were caring.
People will remember when you listened without rushing them.
People will remember when you showed up when no one else did.
People will remember when you forgave them at their lowest.
People will remember when you believed in them before anyone else did.
People will remember when you stayed calm while they fell apart.
People will remember when you gave them dignity instead of judgment.
They may forget your wins.
They may forget your work, but they won't forget your energy.
And even if they do forget all of those things, there'll be one that remembers.
And the most important thing, you will have lived a clean, energetic life.
We don't do those things to be remembered for those things.
We do those things so that we can go to sleep peacefully.
You clean your energy internally so that you can live in a clean place.
You don't clean your home just because people are coming over.
You clean it so that you can live in a clean home.
You don't clean your mind for everyone else.
You do it because you want to live in a clean place.
It's a huge one.
Lesson number seven, people change more from being understood than being corrected.
We think people need better arguments.
In truth, people need better listeners.
Studies on motivational interviewing show people change when they feel heard, not when they're lectured.
Understanding opens the door that correction keeps locked.
Sometimes the best people get the worst of us and the worst people get the best of us.
The kindest people get our pain.
And the meanest people get our joy.
The real ones get our silence and the fake ones get our performance.
The loyal ones get our doubts and the disloyal ones get our trust.
The ones who stay get our frustration and the ones who leave get our patience.
We give our apologies to strangers. and our harshest words to the ones closest.
We hide our tenderness from the safe ones and hand out our smiles to the ones who've hurt us.
That's the tragedy of human behavior.
We misplace our best energy.
What I've realized is that we all lecture the people closest to us.
We think if we tell them what to do, they'll finally get it right.
The reality is people are looking to be validated, heard, and seen.
You may say, I know what they're going through, but have you ever asked them?
Have you ever talked to your partner and just said, I want to hear from your side how this feels?
I want to know why it is that you keep struggling with this.
Not in a demanding way, in a curious way, in a genuine way.
Remember, people change more from being understood than being corrected.
People change more from being loved than from being hated.
People change more from being validated than pushed and judged.
Lesson number eight.
This one blew my mind.
And it's from one of my favorite authors of all time.
We remember endings more than middles.
It sounds obvious, but stay with me for how it applies to life.
Psychologist Daniel Kahneman has a rule called his peak-end rule.
And it shows that we judge experiences not by how long they lasted, but by the peak moment and the ending moment.
That's why a single kind goodbye or one cruel exit defines the whole relationship in our memory.
The peak-end rule is a psychological principle discovered by Nobel Prize-winning psychologist Daniel Kahneman and his colleague Amos Tversky.
It says, we don't judge an experience by its average or total duration.
We judge it by two moments.
One, the peak, the most intense spot, whether good or bad.
And number two, the end, how the experience concluded. everything else fades into the background.
So Kahneman did a famous cold water experiment that proved this.
Participants put their hand in painfully cold water for 60 seconds.
In a second trial, they put their hand in cold water for 90 seconds.
But in the last 30 seconds, the water was made slightly warmer.
It was still cold, but a little less painful.
Logically, the second trial should be worse, 90 seconds of pain instead of 60.
But most people preferred the longer trial because the ending was less painful.
The brain didn't remember the full timeline.
It remembered the peak and the end.
Now, what does this mean for us in our life and our relationships?
One cruel goodbye can overshadow years of love.
I'm sure there's someone that you loved on, that you cared about, that you did so much for, but because you didn't end on good terms, they hate you right.
Because you didn't end on good terms, they talk bad about you.
Because you didn't end on good terms, they say hurtful things about you to everyone else. right?
I'm sure you can relate.
And one kind act at the end of someone's life can heal decades of distance.
We don't carry the full record.
We carry the peak and the ending.
Now, how does this apply to work?
People rarely remember the dozens of average meetings.
They remember the one inspiring keynote and how they felt when they left the company.
And what about daily experiences?
Whether it's vacations weddings concerts, people remember the highlight moment and the final moments.
A bad flight home can sour the whole vacation.
We think life is measured in hours and days.
But memory measures life in moments and endings.
End things well.
Always leave people and places better and happier than you find them.
Don't let things end on a bad note.
Number two, design peaks.
Don't aim to make everything perfect.
Create intentional moments.
A surprise note, an unexpected thank you, one unforgettable experience.
Peaks matter more than perfection.
Number three, manage endings in conflict.
Even if a conversation is hard, End it with respect.
Simply by saying I care about you, even if we disagree, can change how the entire interaction is remembered.
So there you have it.
Those are the lessons that I have learned in the last 12 months.
And as every important teacher has said before, you repeat what you don't repair.
You repeat what you don't reflect on.
You repeat what you don't release.
You repeat what you don't reveal.
You repeat what you don't reframe.
You repeat what you don't respect in yourself.
And you repeat what you don't take responsibility for.
Patterns don't disappear with time.
They disappear with work.
So I hope you always remember... to try and do that on your birthday.
Take a moment to do it.
I hope these have helped.
Thank you so much for listening and watching.
Remember, I'm forever in your corner.
I'm always rooting for you.
If you love this podcast, you'll love my episode with Lewis Hamilton.
Lewis and I talk about why you should stop chasing society's definition of success and how to be more intentional with your goals.
You don't want to miss it.
It's not about being perfect.
It's about just every day, one step at a time, trying to be better, trying to do more.
I'm learning a lot about myself.
I had to break myself down in order to be able to be better.
This episode of On Purpose is brought to you by Chase Sapphire Reserve.
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This is Jay Shetty from On Purpose.
If you've ever felt off balance, sometimes a change of scenery is the best reset.
Delta invited four creators to explore one idea.
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This is an iHeart Podcast.
