You're listening to TED Talks Daily, where we bring you new ideas and conversations to spark your curiosity every day.
I'm your host, Elise Hu.
It might be one of humanity's most sought-after emotions, happiness.
And yet the journey toward this universally shared feeling can often feel out of reach.
In her talk, happiness scientist Sonia Lubomirsky shares her number one hack for unlocking the potential for happiness within ourselves.
And hint, it actually has a lot more to do with others than we might think.
Afterward, I sat down with Sonia to get beyond her talk.
Stick around after for our conversation.
I'm a happiness scientist, and I've been a happiness scientist for 36 years.
For my entire professional career, I've been obsessed with learning the secrets to being a happy person, with trying to answer the question can anyone become happier?
Now, how do we even study something like that?
Well, in 1998, my lab pioneered what we call happiness interventions.
Happiness interventions are experiments with human participants.
Over the years, we've done dozens of these experiments, testing whether practices like expressing gratitude or doing acts of kindness or simply acting like an extrovert, make people happier.
And they do under the right conditions.
My students and I spent decades doing these experiments.
This work made my career.
And yet I realized that I hadn't really been listening to what the data were trying to tell me.
And then it finally clicked.
It dawned on me that almost all of the interventions that work to make us happier they work precisely because they help us feel more connected to and loved by others.
So writing a gratitude letter to my mom makes me feel more loved by her.
And doing an act of kindness for my colleague makes me feel closer to him.
In other words, what I learned is that to be a better happiness scientist, I had to become a love scientist.
Because as it turns out, the key to happiness is feeling connected and loved.
And I know that sounds like a cliche, but many powerful ideas do, once you distill them.
The real challenge and opportunity is how to put it into practice.
So then how do we connect?
Well, we can connect through touch or dance or eye contact.
But let's face it, in Western culture, in many cultures actually, we mostly connect by talking.
Yet here's the problem with our social world today.
Even when we're talking, we all have walls around us.
There are walls around our friends, colleagues, neighbors, even family.
We build those walls to protect ourselves, yet they also keep us from ever really letting anyone in.
They keep us from becoming truly known.
So this is literally my number one happiness tip.
The one thing I wish everybody knew we will feel more loved if we become more known, if we learn to talk to people in a way that takes down the walls between us.
The secret is super simple, yet I think massively profound.
If you do one thing today to be happier, let it be this.
Approach your next conversation differently from what you've done before.
First, by sharing from the heart.
You take down your walls by sharing something real about yourself, not just your highlight reel.
Whether with your best friend, colleague or first date, be brave enough to let others see the real you.
Here's a simple practice.
Start small.
Pacing is really important.
So don't immediately share your deepest secret or trauma.
If you go deep too fast, everyone's walls will come right back up again.
Instead in the beginning, maybe say something honest, like I've had a rough day instead of I'm fine.
Recent studies show that people will like you more when the conversation is deeper as opposed to shallower.
Two, you help the other person lower their walls when you listen to them, in order to learn not to respond.
Quiet your voice so theirs can be heard.
So during your next conversation, instead of mentally rehearsing your story, try to listen, like there's going to be a quiz tomorrow.
Furthermore, ask one more question that you'd normally ask, like, how did that really feel?
Such questions signal that you're right there with them.
When was the last time someone asked you a real question about your life?
It's rare, yet research shows that people yearn to be asked and those who ask questions are better liked.
And yet you've probably all had this experience.
Someone talks at you for an hour, tells you their whole life story, then walks away knowing nothing about you.
Am I right?
That's not what I meant.
Sharing and listening hold hands.
If you only share, it's a monologue.
If you only listen, it's an interview.
But when you do both, that's when the magic happens.
And that's it.
It's really that simple.
By sharing a little more and listening a little deeper, all of us can learn to take the walls down.
If we do, we'll know one another better.
We'll feel more loved and we'll help the people in our lives feel more loved too.
Thank you.
Don't go away just yet.
My conversation with Sonia is coming right up.
I sat down with Sonia to learn more about her approach to being happy, how things like social media have an impact on our ability to be happy, and so much more.
Coming right up after a short break from our sponsors.
Well, for those who might be learning about your work for the first time, tell us a little bit about your background and what initially sparked your interest in researching happiness in the first place.
Well, I've been a happiness scientist for 36 years, so a long time.
And it was really serendipitous how it all started.
Actually, today I'm on the Stanford campus.
Coincidentally, this is where it all started.
Back in the fall of 1989, this is where I started my PhD program in social psychology.
And the very first day of my program, I met with my new advisor.
His name is Lee Ross, and he was the world's leading expert on conflict and negotiation.
Seems like it has nothing to do with happiness, maybe the opposite of happiness.
And we took a walk around campus and one of us asked and I'm pretty sure it was him what is the secret to happiness?
And why are some people happier than others?
And that's how it started.
So back in 1989, there really was no field of happiness.
Ed Diener, who's really the founder of the science of happiness.
He actually didn't even call it happiness.
He called it subjective well-being.
So there's really only one scientist back then studying happiness.
I'm glad you brought up the concept or the term happiness itself, because it is so commonly used that it's almost overused.
What does happiness actually mean to you?
And it's a great question to start with.
I define happiness the way that researchers define happiness, which is that it really has two components.
And the first component is people who are happy often experience positive emotions.
And that could be tranquility, enthusiasm, joy, serenity, pride, curiosity.
So depending on the person, depending on the situation.
Happy people experience more positive emotions.
Doesn't mean they experience them all the time.
Of course, negative emotions can be adaptive and functional under certain circumstances.
So that's one component.
The other component is having a sense that your life is good, that you're satisfied with your life, that you're progressing towards your life goals at a good pace.
So those are the two components.
I call them being happy in your life and being happy with your life.
You kind of need both of those to be a truly happy person.
Right.
In your talk there's a line where you say you hadn't been listening to what the data were trying to tell you.
What was the data trying to tell you?
How did you realize that you weren't listening?
After decades of doing this, we realized that almost all of the interventions that work to make us happier, the reason they work is that they make us feel more connected to or loved by others.
So when I write a gratitude letter to my mom, I feel loved by her.
I feel more loved by her.
When I do an act of kindness for a friend, I feel closer to that friend.
So that's kind of what I mean.
I hadn't really been listening to the data.
That that's really what it was trying to tell me that the connection and feeling loved is the key to happiness, which sounds like such a cliche right.
And yet it's true.
Does that mean that those around us are connected to our happiness and we are connected to theirs?
Does this suggest a kind of sort of interdependence or a web of connection?
That's a prerequisite for happiness.
Well, that's an interesting question, because it's actually a more nuanced question, because happiness is also contagious, right?
So we're also affected. by other people's happiness and other people's unhappiness.
We tend to actually like happy people.
We want to be around them in part because of that contagion effect.
But it certainly means that how connected we feel to others, whether it's our pets, or whether it's to God or a romantic partner, our friendship networks, our colleagues, that that is absolutely going to affect our happiness overall, our happiness today.
And I really like.
If you want to be happy you know I often say you know if I were going to give you one tip if you want to be happier today, you know, spend time connecting with another person, have a conversation with someone else.
It could be a stranger.
It could be your best friend because it's really, and it makes sense.
It's really the key to happiness.
It's evolutionarily adaptive, right, for us to be in connection with other humans.
Right.
Well then, is the opposite true, at least scientifically speaking, that without being connected, that actually leads to poor well-being?
Right.
So lack of connection.
And by the way, we could also talk about not feeling loved.
We can talk about.
Loneliness is associated with depression anxiety, all kinds of adverse physical health effects.
People who are less connected, like don't live as long.
You could even argue that lack of connection might be associated with sort of other societal problems like polarization and hatred and violence too.
I mean, it's really like, so that's why I think feeling loved, feeling connected is so important.
Sonia, we're speaking to you at a time of what feels like relentless chaos in the world, right?
And so how do we balance the need to just cope with this steady stream of headlines and just try and stay alive and stay safe and keep our communities safe with this rather primal or evolutionary need to seek out happiness?
Well, I think they go together, right?
Because if the key to happiness is feeling connected and loved...
That could be the key.
So when I'm reading the headline that makes me cry, I'm talking to my romantic partner or my child or my friend about it.
And we hug each other and we think about what we might do.
We interpret it.
We think how to take action.
Happy people, they have more energy.
They persevere more.
They have passion.
So I think those two things are not inconsistent.
They kind of go together.
What about those listeners out there who are hearing this and say I find happiness in solitude, you know, and I like going on a solo hike or going on a solo trip, and that makes me feel content.
If it is all about connection, what explains that sense of wellbeing we get from our alone time?
Yeah, great question.
Absolutely.
And by the way, I'm an extroverted introvert.
Okay.
But if you're solitary all the time, you know, you are going to miss it.
I think it's a very, very, very rare person.
I mean, there are some people.
I actually met someone like that.
You know, he sees humans once a year.
Yet I would say he's connected to God, you know.
So even people who are sort of solitary are connected to something else.
I don't want to say universal, but I think it's sort of a near universal need that humans have for connection.
And it makes sense because, like evolutionarily speaking, we wouldn't have thrived, we wouldn't have survived, we wouldn't be able to mate and reproduce if we weren't, you know, sort of connected and felt loved by others.
Yeah, yeah.
That's why you hear people say, you know, we're wired for connection and belonging.
But that doesn't mean it's exclusive from anything else, right?
Like that it's totally natural and reasonable that we do want some alone time sometimes.
Of course, it's not that 100% of your hours of the day need to be with others.
Although a really cool study came out recently that showed that they sort of asked people how happy they are throughout the day, like every minute of the day, and then asked what they were doing.
And it turns out that people were always happier when, whatever they were doing, whether it was exercising or reading, they were doing in the company of other humans.
I should say, I keep saying humans, but it could be a pet.
Sure.
This brings me to the social media question, because I remember 15 years ago when Facebook was coming out and the founder and CEO, Mark Zuckerberg, promised that we're all about making the world more connected.
We really want to make the world more connected.
And it does sound great on its surface.
But, as you said in your talk, in modern life it feels like there's more walls up than ever, both physically and metaphorically speaking.
Yeah.
Why is this?
How has social media made an impact on connection and our ability to connect with other humans or animals?
Well, it's a little bit of a nuanced question, right?
Because social media does help us connect sometimes or lots of times with other people.
I mean, it's amazing.
Here's an example.
I have four kids, and so I've had lots of au pairs.
Most of them have come from Germany and other countries.
And it's amazing when they used to come and they would feel so lonely, and now they come and they're like connected with their family and friends in Germany, like all day long.
I mean, that's amazing, right?
That's an amazing invention, amazing technology.
And of course if you have sort of kind of rare interest or a rare disease or some kind of problem, you know it's amazing to have those networks right.
And so I definitely want to like say affirm that that's true as well.
On the other hand, we were talking about what are human beings wired for?
We are wired for face-to-face interactions involving face-to-face, but also involving voice.
We actually did a study showing that anything involving voice, whether it's a video call or a phone call, makes us feel happier and more connected, makes us feel like more in sync.
Yeah.
So you can't just text, right?
Well again, I don't want to say you shouldn't text, because text could be wonderful too, and very convenient.
And you could share and listen through text as well.
But we are really wired through like voice and synchronous interaction, voice and face to face and breathing the same air.
Let me ask a different dimension of this, which is what it's like or what we know about the effect of seeing other people, like influencers on social media or people we have parasocial relationships with celebrities, let's say, perform their happiness or perform their lifestyles.
Because I remember in the early days of this research, Those who might be more prone to comparison actually have a hard time seeing other people having a good time because of that feeling of comparison.
And as they say, it is the thief of joy.
So what do you know kind of in the aggregate data or the research that now exists about what it's like for us or what effect it has on us to see performances of happiness on other people?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, comparisons are so invidious.
And you're right, social media, in effect, kind of amplifies our individual differences, right?
So people who are already kind of prone or like sensitive to such things like comparison, like they're going to be even more harmed, right?
But if you're kind of a happy-go-lucky, happy person, maybe you're not going to care as much, right?
But we certainly care.
And most of us care at least a little bit.
And here's a study that I like.
College freshmen, on average, thought that everyone else was adjusting better to college than they were because they kept seeing like on social media.
Like here's me at a party, here's me with my roommate, you know, hanging out.
So everyone seemed to sort of adjusting better on average than they are.
And that's just like so invidious.
It's everywhere.
We can't, you know, we can't avoid it.
On the other hand, those influencers you know have a lot of negative things to say but on the other hand, like my kids have learned so much from, from these influencers
They know how to cook.
They have all this therapy talk.
They're like, mom, you really need to take four breaths this way when you're stressed out.
So they've also learned a lot from these videos as well.
So it's always a little bit of a nuanced interpretation of what's happening.
No matter what is happening in these individual interactions that folks are having, Your prescription, your antidote for feelings of despair or anxiety or depression is to try and reconnect in real life with other people.
You said something in your talk which really struck me.
You said, sharing and listening, hold hands.
If you only share, it's a monologue.
If you only listen, it's an interview.
But when you do both, that's when the magic happens.
It's really that simple.
It is.
It's really that simple.
And so I guess one of my biggest tips is that yeah, if you want to be happier today or in general, have more conversations like, spend more time with other people, but not just any conversation, right?
Like go deeper, you know?
And I often say like, I'm done with small talk.
Life is too short for small talk.
Yeah.
And by the way, small talk is not so bad.
Right.
It has its place.
Totally.
It's a social lubricant.
Having small talk with your barista or the bus driver actually does make people happier.
Research shows.
But even the bigger impacts are with deeper conversations.
And one of my friends, Nick Epley, who's a professor at University of Chicago, has done some beautiful studies showing that, for example, people think like if they ask deep questions to another person, that you'll be perceived as sort of nosy or prying.
And yet we actually, on average, we want to be asked questions, right, about our inner life.
Like we want to be seen.
We want to be heard.
So have that deeper conversations.
Maybe don't go too deep too fast, right?
Pacing is really important.
You have to read the room.
I sometimes wish that, like there were emotional intelligence classes in every high school and every college you know, because that's hard to learn.
It takes years to learn.
But yeah, have conversations that are deeper than usual.
Yeah.
I know it would take years to learn, but what can you offer those of us who want to learn or are hungry to learn what sharing from the heart sounds like, or how to avoid some pitfalls when we're trying to open up or get other people to open up?
Sure, sure.
Well, to start with, actually, I would start with the other direction.
I would start with showing curiosity in the other person and really listening to them, you know.
So and that's curiosity is really hard to fake and really listening to them like you're going to be quizzed on it, right?
Not just listening because you're waiting for your turn to speak.
Ask them questions.
You know about their.
We all again we, you know, like a lot of people will tell you all the details of their day.
You know, and they ran this errand and they did this and it can be boring, but you know you could.
It shows you people really want you to know about their inner life, about what's happening with them.
So ask questions, show curiosity, and then you share, right?
So you share, but start small, right?
You don't want to just immediately reveal a secret or something.
So maybe it's like when someone asks you, how are you?
Instead of saying, fine, you might say something a little bit deeper.
It could be, oh, I'm having a rough day, or this thing happened today.
Or give them your true opinion about the movie that everyone else likes.
Maybe you're like, I didn't really love that movie, right?
So it doesn't have to be your deepest trauma that you share.
So pacing is really critical, because if you share too deep, too fast, everyone's walls will come right back up again.
Because again, the goal is to sort of try to lower your wall a little bit and then help the other person lower their walls a little bit by showing curiosity in them and by truly listening to their response after you ask them a question.
Okay.
So Sonia, in the spirit of asking and listening, let's jump into a quick lightning round to get to know you a bit more before we wrap up this conversation.
Okay, here we go.
What does innovation or a good idea look like to you?
Oh, something that no one's ever thought of, something that's unconventional.
I feel like most ideas are just like I've heard before over and over again.
Do you have a New Year's resolution or a ritual at this time of year?
And if so, what is it?
Sure.
One thing I would say, the ritual should be all the time, not just New Year's.
Mine is that I often wake up with a little bit of anxiety.
So I'm creating kind of a gratitude ritual when I first wake up to kind of combat that little bit of anxiety in the morning.
I like that.
Okay, what is an anthill that you'd be willing to die on?
Oh my gosh.
Okay, I think, okay, mine would be the greatest thing in the world is cuddling.
I love cuddling.
Oh, you're a cuddler.
I'm, you know, I cuddle with my kids all the time, but not just with my kids, with my friends.
I think there's not enough physical touch in our society.
It should be normalized.
We should all be like, I mean, obviously with consent, physical touch is amazing.
Yeah, I really like that.
What's a small gratitude that you have in your life right now?
Something that you are particularly grateful for.
It could be something very small.
I'm so grateful, yeah, that I can cuddle with my kids and the love.
Love, really.
I'm grateful for love because I think love can kind of save the world.
I know that's such a cliche, but it's true.
Love is the answer.
I like that.
Sonia Lubomirsky, thank you so much for sitting down with us and for your talk.
Thank you.
It's been a pleasure to talk.
That was Sonia Lubomirsky at TED Next 2025 and in conversation with me, Elise Hu.
If you're curious about TED's curation, find out more at TED.com slash curation guidelines.
And that's it for today.
TED Talks Daily is part of the TED Audio Collective.
This talk was fact-checked by the TED Research Team and produced by Lucy Little and edited by Alejandra Salazar.
The TED Talks Daily team includes Martha Estefanos, Oliver Friedman, Brian Green and Tanzika Sangmarnivong.
Additional support from Emma Taubner and Daniela Balarezo.
I'm Elise Hugh.
I'll be back tomorrow with a fresh idea for your feed.
Thanks for listening.
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