So, hi.
Hey.
Uh... I was wondering if you had plans for dinner.
Uh, you mean dinner tonight?
I was thinking 6.30, if you can go.
Or a different time.
Uh, 6.30's great.
Really?
Great.
Yeah, I like hanging out with you guys.
Us guys?
You know, Sheldon, Howard, Raj.
Who all's coming?
They... might all be there.
Or a subset of them might be there.
Algebraically speaking, there are too many unknowns.
Okay, whatever.
It sounds like fun.
Great.
Did we say a time?
6.30.
And that's still good for you?
It's fine.
Because it's not carved in stone.
No, 6.30 is great.
I'll get my chisel.
Why?
To carve the... Okay, I'll see you 6.30.
One tequila sunrise.
Thank you.
You know, this drink is a wonderful example of how liquids with different specific gravities interact in a cylindrical container.
Thank you.
Okay, Raj, what'll it be?
Whatever you recommend.
Uh, how about a grasshopper?
I make a mean grasshopper.
Okay?
Good.
Coming up.
Sheldon, what are you gonna have?
I'll have a Diet Coke.
Okay, can you please order a cocktail?
I need to practice mixing drinks.
Fine.
I'll have a virgin Cuba Libre.
That's, um, rum and coke without the rum.
Yes.
So, coke.
Yes.
And would you make it diet?
There's a can in the fridge.
Cuba Libre traditionally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge.
Then swim to Cuba.
Bartenders are supposed to have people skills.
Okay.
Raj, here you go.
All right, who's next?
I'd like to try a slippery nipple.
Okay, you're cut off.
Anybody need a refill?
Where did my life go, Penny?
One day I'm a carefree bachelor and the next I'm married and driving a minivan to peewee cricket matches in suburban New Delhi.
Are you talking to me?
Is there another Penny here?
I had such plans.
I had dreams.
I was going to be the Indira Gandhi of particle astrophysics with a penis, of course.
Ever since I was a little boy, my father wanted me to be a gynecologist like him.
How can I be a gynecologist?
I can barely look a woman in the eye.
You know what?
I'm not going to let my parents control my future any longer.
It's time for a showdown.
Somebody give me a computer with a webcam, Sweetie.
I think that's the grasshopper talking.
And it's about to tell my parents that I'm not riding an elephant down the aisle with Lalita Gupta.
Okay, calm down.
No one can make you get married.
Why don't you just meet this girl and see what happens?
Haven't you been listening to me?
I cannot talk to women.
Um, Raj... No, no, let's see how long it takes him.
Uh, Raj, Penny, you say you can't talk to women, but you've been talking to me.
And now we'll never know.
You're right.
I... I am talking to you.
Hello, Benny.
How are you?
Hang on.
The sensor's picking up something.
Turn your head back.
You rat bastard.
Told you the sensor would work.
Hey.
You deliberately stuck me with Sheldon.
Come on, I had to.
You see what he's like?
Betty, Betty, I'm hungry.
Uh, it's okay, sweetie.
Good news.
Leonard's home.
No!
Here you go.
Good luck.
Bye.
Wait, wait.
Leonard, I'm hungry.
Wait, Penny, take me with you!
Hold him there a little longer. but he wants to go home and I don't know how to stop him.
Okay, how about this?
You keep him there a little longer, and when you get to the party I'll point out which of my friends are easy.
Don't toy with me, woman.
I got a hot former fat girl with no self-esteem.
I got a girl who punishes her father by sleeping around and an alcoholic who's two tequila shots away from letting you wear her like a hat.
Thy will be done.
So, are we gonna see you Saturday?
Uh, I don't think so.
Why not?
I don't celebrate my birthday.
Shut up.
Yeah, you do.
Oh, it's no big deal.
It's just the way I was raised.
My parents focused on celebrating achievements, and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.
That's so silly.
It's actually based on very sound theories.
His mother published a paper on it.
Well, what was it called?
I Hate My Son and That's Why He Can't Have Cake?
It was obviously effective.
Leonard grew up to be an experimental physicist.
Perhaps if she'd also denied him Christmas, he'd be a little better at it.
Thank you.
Well, I love birthdays.
Waking up to Mom's special French toast breakfast, wearing the birthday king crown, playing laser tag with all my friends.
Yeah, see?
That's what kids should have.
Actually, that was last year.
So you've really never had a birthday party?
No, but it was okay.
I mean when I was little I'd think maybe my parents would change their mind and surprise me with a party.
Like this one birthday.
I came home from my cello lesson and I saw a lot of strange cars parked out front.
When I got to the door, I could hear people whispering and I could smell German chocolate cake, which is my favorite.
And?
It turns out my grandfather had died.
Oh, my God, that's terrible.
Well, it was kind of like a birthday party.
I got to see all my cousins, and there was cake, so... That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.
You think?
Go ahead, tell her about your senior prom.
So, what'd you get the birthday boy?
Well, Raj got him an awesome limited edition Dark Knight sculpture based on Alex Ross's definitive Batman, and I got him this amazing autographed copy of the Feynman lectures on physics.
Nice!
I got him a sweater.
OK, well, he might like that.
I've seen him get chilly.
Sheldon, I didn't see your present.
That's because I didn't bring one.
Why not?
Don't ask.
The entire institution of gift giving makes no sense.
Too late.
Let's say that I go out, and I spend $50 on you.
It's a laborious activity, because I have to imagine what you need, whereas you know what you need.
Now I could simplify things just give you the 50 directly, and then you could give me 50 on my birthday, and so on, until one of us dies, leaving the other one old and 50 richer.
And I ask you, is it worth it?
I TOLD YOU NOT TO ASK.
WELL, SHELTON, YOU'RE HIS FRIEND.
FRIENDS GIVE EACH OTHER PRESENTS.
I ACCEPT YOUR PREMISE.
I REJECT YOUR CONCLUSION.
TRY TELLING HIM IT'S A NONOPTIONAL SOCIAL CONVENTION.
WHAT?
JUST DO IT.
IT'S A NONOPTIONAL SOCIAL CONVENTION.
OH, FAIR ENOUGH.
He came with a manual.
I'm back.
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
It's not your fault.
What happened?
Well, I went over to Mike's to make up with him.
Yeah, no, I know that part.
But he had already moved on.
Already?
That was quick.
That's what I said to the woman who had her legs wrapped around his neck.
Honey, I am so sorry.
How could he do that?
Well, you know, you did throw an 80 gig iPod.
Yeah, no, how could he do that?
I swear to God, I am done with guys like that.
You know, macho with the perfect body and the hair and the money.
Yeah, that must get old quick.
You know just once, I would like to go out with someone who is nice and honest and who actually cares about me.
What about me?
What about you what?
What about if you went out with me?
Are you asking me out?
Um, yes, I am asking you out.
Wow.
I was just going off your comment about the nice guy.
No, I know.
I got that.
And honest.
Yeah, totally.
So, but it's no big deal.
Yes.
Yes what?
Yes, I will go out with you.
Really?
Yeah.
Why not?
I mean, what do I have to lose?
Yeah.
That's the spirit.
Are you guys meeting this year?
Oh, yeah.
No.
Well, it turns out that Raj and Howard had to work and Sheldon had a colonoscopy and he hasn't quite bounced back yet.
My uncle just had a colonoscopy.
You're kidding.
Well, that's something we have in common.
We both have people in our lives who want to nip intestinal polyps in the butt.
So what's new in the world of physics?
Nothing.
Really?
Nothing?
With the exception of string theory.
Not much has happened since the 1930s and you can't prove string theory.
At best, you can say, hey, look, my idea has an internal logical consistency.
Hey, do you want to see something cool?
I can make this olive go into this glass without touching it.
How?
Physics.
Wow, centripetal force.
Actually, it's centripetal force, which is an inward force generated by the glass acting on the olive.
Excuse me.
Now, if you were biting on the olive, you'd be in a noninertial reference frame and would.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.
Did you spill ketchup?
No.
I'm not okay.
Are you guys ready to order?
Hang on.
Shiva and Ganesh?
The Hindu gods against the entire union army?
And orcs.
I'll be back.
Excuse me.
Ganesh is the remover of obstacles, and Shiva's the destroyer.
When the smoke clears, Abraham Lincoln will be speaking Hindi and drinking mint juleps.
All right, my boss says you have to either order or leave and never come back.
This is amazing.
Just sitting on a couch watching TV with a woman.
Not being drunk or high or wondering if you're a dude down there.
Leo, you are a very sweet, really funny guy.
You're gonna do okay.
One day at a time, Penny.
One day at a time.
How long is he going to stay here?
He's a homeless drug addict, Leonard.
Where is he going to go?
Boy, you have a lot to learn about lying.
Hey, guys, guys.
Some of the other waitresses wanted me to ask you something.
It's called trestling.
It combines the physical strength of arm wrestling with the mental agility of Tetris into the ultimate sport.
Yeah, that's terrific, but what they wanted me to ask you is to cut it the hell out.
Let me guess.
Quesadilla with soy cheese for the lactose-intolerant Leonard.
Thank you.
Shrimp Caesar salad with no almonds for the highly allergic kosher-only-on-the-high-holidays Howard.
And for our suddenly-back-on-the-Hindu-wagon Raj, meat-lover's pizza, no meat.
Coming right up.
Wait, excuse me.
You forgot my barbecue bacon cheeseburger.
Barbecue sauce, bacon, and cheese on the side.
Oh, I didn't tell you?
You're banished from the Cheesecake Factory.
Why?
Well, you have three strikes.
One coming in, two sitting down, and three, I don't like your attitude.
You can't do that.
Not only is it a violation of California state law, it flies directly in the face of Cheesecake Factory policy.
Yeah, no, there's a new policy.
No shoes, no shirt, no Sheldon.
I bet we could sell that sign all over Pasadena.
Oh.
Hello.
Time to do your laundry, huh?
Saturday night.
Saturday is laundry night.
I know.
Every Saturday at 8.15.
Easy to anticipate.
What are you implying?
I'm implying that you're a creature of habit.
And if something were to prevent you from doing your laundry on Saturday at 815, you might find it unpleasant.
Knuckle under my ass.
Oh, no.
Are all the machines taken?
What are you gonna do?
No problem.
I'll just do my laundry another night.
Another night?
Well, I guess you can try, but deep inside your heart you'll know that laundry night is always Saturday night.
Woman, you are playing with forces beyond your ken.
Yeah, well, your ken can kiss my Barbie.
How come you didn't go into work today?
I'm taking a sabbatical because I won't kowtow to mediocre minds.
So you got canned, huh?
Theoretical physicists do not get canned.
But, yeah.
Maybe it's all for the best.
You know, I always say when one door closes, another one opens.
No, it doesn't.
Not unless the two doors are connected by relays or there are motion sensors involved.
No no, I meant that.
Or if the first door closing creates a change of air pressure that acts upon the second door.
Never mind.
Slow down.
Slow down.
Please slow down.
You're not leaving yourself enough space between cars.
Oh, sure I am.
No, no.
Let me do the math for you.
This car weighs, let's say, 4,000 pounds.
Now add 140 for me, 120 for you.
120?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I insult you?
Is your body mass somehow tied into your self-worth?
Well, yeah.
Interesting.
Anyway, that gives us a total weight of, let's say, 4,400 pounds.
Let's say 4,390.
Fine.
We're traveling forward at good lord 51 miles an hour.
Now let's assume that your brakes are new and the calipers are aligned.
Still, by the time we come to a stop, we'll be occupying the same space as that Buick in front of us.
An impossibility that nature will quickly resolve into death, mutilation and, oh look, they built a new putt-putt course.
This is great.
Look at me.
I'm in the real world of ordinary people just living their ordinary, colorless, workaday lives.
Thank you.
No, thank you.
And thank you, ordinary person.
Hey, you want to hear an interesting thing about tomatoes?
No, no, not really.
Listen, didn't you say you needed some eggs?
Yes, but anyone who knows anything about the dynamics of bacterial growth knows to pick up their refrigerated foods on the way out of the supermarket.
Oh, okay.
Well, maybe you should start heading on out then.
No, this is fun.
Oh, the thing about tomatoes and I think you'll really enjoy this is they're shelved with the vegetables but they're technically a fruit.
Oh, interesting.
Isn't it?
No, I mean what you find enjoyable.
Oh, boy.
What now?
Well, there's some value to taking a multivitamin, but the human body can only absorb so much.
What you're buying here are the ingredients for very expensive urine.
Well, maybe that's what I was going for.
Well, then you'll want some manganese.
That was fun.
Maybe tomorrow we can go to one of those big warehouse stores.
Oh, I don't know, Sheldon.
It's gonna take me a while to recover from all the fun I had today.
Are you sure?
There are a lot of advantages to buying in bulk.
For example, I noticed that you purchase your tampons one month's supply at a time.
What?
Think about it.
It's a product that doesn't spoil, and you're going to be needing them for at least the next 30 years.
You want me to buy 30 years worth of tampons?
Well, 30, 35.
When did your mother go into menopause?
Okay.
Do you guys mind if I start?
Um, Penny.
Yeah.
That's where I sit.
Sit next to me.
No, I sit there.
What's the difference?
What's the difference?
Here we go.
In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration.
In the summer.
It's directly in the path of a cross breeze created by opening windows there and there.
It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct thus discouraging conversation nor so far wide as to create a parallax distortion.
I could go on, but... I think I've made my point.
Do you want me to move?
Well... Just sit somewhere else.
Fine.
Sheldon, sit!
In 1935, Erwin Schrödinger, in an attempt to explain the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum physics, he proposed an experiment where a cat is placed in a box with a sealed vial of poison that will break open at a random time.
Now, since no one knows when or if the poison has been released until the box is opened, the cat can be thought of as both alive and dead.
I'm sorry, I don't get the point.
Well, of course you don't get it.
I haven't made it yet.
You have to be psychic to get it, and there's no such thing as psychic.
Sheldon, what's the point?
Just like Schrodinger's cat, your potential relationship with Leonard right now can be thought of as both good and bad.
It is only by opening the box that you'll find out which it is.
Okay, so you're saying I should go out with Leonard.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Let me start again.
In 1935... What the hell is that?
I don't know, but if cats could sing, they'd hate it too.
I will take my... Hey, guys!
Hi!
Where are you going?
What?
We just had to... mail some letters.
And... throw away some chicken.
You'll never guess what just happened.
I give up.
I don't guess.
As a scientist, I reach conclusions based on observation and experimentation.
Although, as I'm saying this, it occurs to me you may have been employing a rhetorical device, rendering my response moot.
What was that?
Believe it or not, personal growth.
What happened?
All right, remember when I auditioned for that workshop production of Rent but I didn't get it and I couldn't figure out why.
I have a conclusion based on an observation.
No, you don't.
Well, the girl they picked to play Mimi, she dropped out, and they asked me to replace her.
Oh, congratulations.
What a lucky break.
It's not a big deal.
Just a one-night showcase.
But they invite a lot of casting people and agents, so you never know.
I think I know.
No, you don't.
He doesn't.
It's this Friday at 8.
Do you guys want to come?
No.
Because Friday, we are attending a symposium on molecular positronium.
I think that's a week from Tuesday at 6.
No, it's this Friday.
At 8.
Oh, too bad.
Well, I gotta get to rehearsal.
See you guys.
See ya.
Let's go out tonight.
Excuse me.
Do you know anything about this stuff?
I know everything about this stuff.
I have my own wholesale flower business and I want to hook up my computer in the front entrance with the one in my refrigerated warehouse.
Here, buy this one.
Look, it's the one we're getting.
See?
Happy guy.
No, no, no, no.
She doesn't want that.
She needs a point-to-point peer network with a range extender.
Thank you.
Which hard drive do I want?
Firewire or USB?
It depends on what bus you have available.
I drive a Chevy Cavalier.
Oh, dear Lord.
Sheldon, we have to go.
Not now.
Penny, this poor man needs me.
You, hold on.
I'll be right with you.
What computer do you have?
And please don't say a white one.
Okay, we don't have that in stock.
But I can special order it for you.
Him.
Excuse me, sir.
You don't work here.
Yes, well, apparently neither does anyone else.
Sheldon, we have to go.
Why?
Well, for one thing, we're late for Leonard's birthday party and for another, I told him to call security.
Good luck.
By the way, a six-year-old could hack your computer system.
Keep walking.
One, two, three, four is not a secure password.
Uh-oh.
What?
I was going to get my mail.
Okay.
I...
Are you hoping to get it telepathically?
I think you mean telekinetically.
And no.
I just wasn't sure of the proper protocol now that you and Leonard are no longer having coitus.
Oh, God, can we please just say no longer seeing each other?
Well, we could if it were true.
But as you live in the same building, you see each other all the time.
The variable which has changed is the coitus.
Okay, here's the protocol.
You and I are still friends, and you stop saying coitus.
Good.
I'm glad we're still friends.
Really?
Oh, yes.
It was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life.
I'd hate for that effort to have been in vain.
Right.
Just to be clear, do I have to stop saying coitus with everyone or just you?
Everyone.
Go on many dates?
I wouldn't say many.
A few.
What's... Your characterization of approximately 171 different men is a few.
Where did you get 171 men?
Simple extrapolation.
In the three years that I've known you, you were single for two.
During that time, I saw 17 different suitors.
If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias, and postulate an initial dating age of 15?
Wait wait, wait.
I did not start dating at 15.
I'm sorry, 16?
14.
My mistake.
Now assuming the left side of a bell curve peeking around the present, that would bring the total up to 193 men.
Plus or minus eight men.
Remarkable.
Did you have sexual intercourse with all of these men?
No.
Although that number would be fairly easy to calculate, based on the number of awkward encounters I've had with strange men leaving her apartment in the morning, plus the number of times she's returned home wearing the same clothes she wore the night before.
Okay, Sheldon, I think you've made your point.
So we multiply 193 minus 21 men before the loss of virginity.
So 172 times 0.18 gives us 30.96 sexual partners.
Let's round that up to 31.
Okay, Sheldon, you are so wrong.
That is not even close to the real number.
I'm gonna need a drink over here.
We're home.
It's 10 o'clock.
Where have you been?
We stayed for the California Adventure Water Show.
It was pure Disney magic.
I was gonna see that with him.
How was I supposed to know that?
It's all right.
I'll see it again with you.
And I have food here.
You said you were gonna call.
I know, I know.
I can still eat.
No, you already threw up once.
Go put on your PJs and brush your teeth.
Okay, but just don't fight.
We're not fighting.
Just go.
Aren't you gonna thank Penny for taking you to Disneyland?
Thank you, Penny.
Consider this unlikely but very plausible scenario.
A young woman alone in the big city.
Her ridiculous dream of becoming an actress lies shattered about her.
Hey, wait a minute.
Hang on, let's see where he's going.
Then it hits her.
How is she going to survive?
But she has no prospects, no marketable skills.
And then one day, she meets a group of geniuses and their friend Howard.
Hang on, let's see where he's going.
She befriends them and then lies in wait until they reveal a marketable idea, which she steals and sells to the highest bidder.
That is ridiculous.
Oh, is it?
Let's see you come up with an explanation as to why this woman hangs out with us all the time.
Okay, you know what?
I've already mooched dinner off you guys.
I don't need to listen to this.
What's going on?
Nothing's going on.
Excuse me.
Are you just getting home?
Yeah.
That's a good sign, right?
Oh, yeah.
I'm so proud of you!
You sold yourself out like a common streetwalker.
No, I didn't do it for the money.
She stiffed you?
I believe that's what your roommate did to her.
What?
Again, read the book we gave you.
Where's your heart rate monitor?
I don't have one.
What about your pedometer?
Don't have one.
Do you have telematics in your shoes connected to an iPod?
Uh, no.
What do you do?
You just go out there and gamble about like a bunny?
No, I just run till I'm hungry and then I stop for a bear claw.
Why are you doing that?
It's good to stretch your muscles before you run.
All right.
All right, let's start with a toe touch.
Okay, you do it.
I am doing it.
Oh, wow.
Good job.
Okay, um, can you do this?
We'll never know.
Okay, let's just warm up on the run.
Okay.
Okay, let's go.
I've been reading up on biomechanics.
I think you'll be surprised at my... Ah!
Oh my God, are you okay?
I think so.
Let me help you up.
Thank you.
Oh, Sheldon!
If it makes you feel any better, Thursday is no longer cruciferous vegetable night.
Hey, you don't need Leonard and his app.
You can make one with me.
With you?
Seriously, I have a great idea for one.
Was it better than your idea to move to Los Angeles and become a famous actress?
Okay look, when you see someone wearing shoes you like, you just snap a picture of them and the app goes on the internet to find out where you can buy them.
That's your app idea?
You don't like it?
I didn't say that.
But no, I don't.
Okay, these are Uggs.
These are Crocs.
These are knockoff Manolo Blahniks.
Bored.
Look, you said it yourself.
We have to create a database before you can write an alga-thingy.
Algorithm.
You see, Penny, Alan Turing defines an algorithm.
Lord.
Okay, these are Steve Maddens.
These are Nine West.
These are Target.
Oh, but don't they look like Chanel?
These are Michael Kors.
These are Roxy.
These are Sashel.
And hold three, two, one.
Very good.
Now let's try warrior two.
And hold.
I've read that there are great yogis who have such mastery over their bodies they can draw water in through their genitals.
Oh, well, I don't think we're gonna get to do that today.
Too bad.
Seems like a good way to drink a milkshake without getting brain freeze.
Oh, hey.
Now we go to reverse, warrior.
How did she get you to do yoga?
Well, to be honest, I thought she said Yoda, with no opportunity to communicate with anyone.
What would you most regret not having told someone?
So it would be today?
Huh.
Well, I suppose there's something satisfying about dying on my birthday.
Today's your birthday?
Yes.
Well, that's always been a secret.
Not even Amy knows.
Well, I don't enjoy presents.
And the thought of people jumping out and yelling surprise fills me with more dread than the words.
George Lucas, director's cut.
So why did you finally tell me?
The point of the experiment is to be completely honest with each other.
Thank you for sharing it with me.
I won't tell anyone.
Thank you.
Thank you for walking me home.
Just want to make sure you get there safe.
Well, this is me.
It's been a very interesting evening.
It really has.
Surprise!
And after I let you be Gary, What's the matter?
I was worried that you might be missing Leonard.
And that might be causing you to have bad dreams.
Like the kind you'd get if you watched Clash of the Titans right before you went to bed.
Sweetie, did you have a bad dream?
To be honest, I did.
Back to the Future 2 was in the Back to the Future 3 case.
Leonard did it.
Good night.
No, wait.
Perhaps I should sleep here so you don't miss Leonard as much.
Because you're being kind of a baby about it.
You know what?
That would make me feel better.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Good night.
I don't think there's anything in this jewelry store that Amy would appreciate more than the humidifier we were just looking at at Sears.
Oh, my God.
Now I know what I sound like to you when I say stupid stuff.
Ooh, a pocket watch.
Okay, I don't think Amy wants a pocket watch.
No, but maybe she wants a man with a pocket watch.
Still saying stupid stuff.
Ooh, she like bracelets?
Well, she's very fond of her silver one that says allergic to penicillin.
Maybe they have a dressier version of that.
Well, how are we doing this afternoon?
Are we looking for anything special?
Perhaps a ring for the lady?
Trust me, we are not a couple.
Excuse me?
I don't see why you get to snort derisively and point that out.
You'd be lucky to land a fellow like me.
Fine, go ahead.
Trust me, we are not a couple.
It wasn't me.
There's a penny.
A moment.
We just had Thai food.
In that culture.
The last morsel is called the Grangai piece and it is reserved for the most important and valued member of the group.
Thank you all for this high honor.
I've seen pictures of your mother.
Keep eating.
You okay?
I'm on vacation.
What do you think?
Why are you sitting in the stairwell?
Leonard told me to stay.
Oh.
Well, good boy.
Where are you going?
A ton of errands to run.
I need to make copies of my headshot, send them off to agents, and sign up for a new acting class.
Have fun.
Okay.
You want to come with me?
Really?
Come on, boy.
Come on.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Get in the car.
Come on.
Never played Dungeons and Dragons with girls before.
Oh, don't worry, sweetie.
No one has.
So, what do you say?
I'll leave it up to the Dungeon Master.
Satanic fungus that looks suspiciously like Al Pacino rises from the forest floor and says you're playing DD.
You're playing D&D.
This whole apartment is playing D&D.
You shall die.
Okay, literal goosebumps, look.
What do you do?
I draw my broadsword.
I ready my quarterstaff.
I drink my potion.
I see we attacked the big one.
You know what, give me the dice, I wanna roll.
The dungeon master's supposed to roll.
Yeah, well, I'm supposed to be in Vegas throwing up on a shrimp buffet, now give it.
All right, what do I need?
Fifteen or higher.
Fifteen's the point.
The point is fifteen.
Give the little lady some room.
Here it is, coming out.
Sixteen!
Please tell me we're playing for money.
Oh, even better than money.
You gained experience points.
One more potion, please.
Yeah.
Amy, I'd like to apologize.
Your accomplishment was impressive, and I'm proud of you.
We both know that's your koala face.
I told you.
Okay, look, he bought you this.
Jewelry?
Seriously?
Sheldon, you are the most shallow, self-centered person I have ever met.
Do you really think that another transparently manipul- Oh, it's a tiara!
A tiara!
I have a tiara!
Put it on me!
Put it on me!
Put it on me!
Put it on me!
Put it on me!
Put it on me!
Put it on me!
You look beautiful.
Of course I do!
I'm a princess and this is my tiara!
You're right, T.R. was too much.
Hey, what's with all the yelling?
Leonard disproved my element.
Now all the attention is going to go away.
Oh, that's great.
You must be thrilled.
That's it.
I'm down to seven friends.
He's counting hobbits and superheroes, right?
When I thought the element was real, I didn't want it.
But now that Leonard made it not exist, I want it more than anything in the world.
The element never existed.
I didn't take it away.
Science took it away.
Be mad at science.
Don't you dare use science against me.
Science is my best friend.
Oh, good.
I'm back up to eight.
Will you tell him he's out of his mind?
Actually, I get what he's saying.
Yes!
Nine!
Welcome back, buddy.
It's like if you're dating someone you're not that into and then they break up with you, and then you want them more than ever.
I have no idea what she's talking about, but we're ganging up on you, so I agree.
Okay, Sheldon, what do you want me to do?
Hide the information?
If I don't publish it, it's just a matter of time before someone else does.
No, no, of course you have to publish.
That's your responsibility as a scientist.
Doing otherwise would be unethical.
You have no choice.
Fine, I'll publish.
Can you believe this guy?
Here are some topics that interest me.
Quantum mechanics, trains, flags.
No, no, it's about my acting career.
Oh, I'm sorry, that's not on the list.
Well... Oh, wait, no.
How about we split the difference and discuss why Austria was an arch-Duchy and not just a regular Duchy?
Okay, look, here's the thing.
I like pharmaceutical sales.
It's going great, but I have an audition for a movie and if I get it it could screw everything up.
Hmm.
I know exactly what you should do.
Unfortunately, I cannot tell you.
Well, why?
I'm attempting to turn over a new leaf.
Earlier today, it was pointed out to me that I tend to force my ideas on people.
You're really not going to tell me?
Nope.
That train has left the station.
Now, we can play this one of two ways.
You can say, trains, tell me more.
Or you can just look at me like that and I'll start.
Who do we love?
Penny.
Who do we love?
Penny.
Who do we love?
Penny.
Hello, Sheldon.
Come on in.
Thank you.
What's up?
I came to ask if you would like to go on a date with me.
Date.
You and me.
Dining.
Dancing.
Perhaps you'd like to take in a prize fight?
God, are you trying to make Amy jealous?
No!
Why is everyone so obsessed with Amy and Stuart?
And whether or not they may be having more pumpkin lattes or intercourse tonight.
Okay, listen to me.
Playing games is not gonna help get Amy back.
I am not trying to get her back.
But out of curiosity, what is away?
All right, honey, let me tell you a story.
There was a guy I liked, and I never told him how I felt.
Eventually, he started going out with someone else, and I always regretted it.
Do you see where I'm going with this?
I believe I do.
I'm the guy.
You're not the guy.
Are you sure?
I would explain so much.
Your constant presence in my apartment, that baffling dalliance with Leonard, just to be near me, the way you call me sweetie, all the time.
I call everyone sweetie.
You tramp.
Look, Sheldon, all I'm saying is strap on a pair and go talk to Amy.
Strap on a pair?
What, skates?
Oh, sweetie, you are so not the guy.
It seems only logical that to restore balance to the relationship, you should find another man and dally with him.
And by dally, I mean some hardcore mouth-on-mouth action.
That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
I actually think he's on to something.
Well, you can't be serious.
Because I messed up and made out with a girl, you're going to do the same with a random guy?
I'm currently single.
It's true, you are.
What is happening?
I will tell you what is happening.
I am saving my best friend's marriage.
Since Amy and I have been living together, we've been bickering like my parents used to.
And you're afraid you're gonna do something like your dad did.
Yes.
I need to prepare her now to save her from pain down the road.
Down the road?
Sheldon.
She wanted to share a toothbrush holder with you, and now you're at an ice cream parlor trying to pick up women.
Well, anything could sound silly when you put it in that tone.
Honey, instead of worrying about pain you may cause in the future, how about trying to fix the pain you're causing her right now?
I'm sure you're right.
And I suppose I should apologize to you as well.
Okay.
That must have hurt, watching me look for other women without ever even considering you.
Please understand that I think of you as more of a nanny.
Just finish your ice cream so I can get you home to bed.
Helium.
Yes.
Taylor Swift.
Yes.
Pie.
Yes.
Kardashian.
More specific?
Khloe?
Yes!
See, I remember because if it looks like Kim, it's Kim.
If it looks kind of like Kim, it's Kourtney.
If it looks nothing like Kim, it's Khloe.
No, that's a Venn diagram.
And I remember because I thought to myself, Venn, is he going to stop talking about this diagram?
What are you guys doing?
Oh, well, we decided to use our breakfast time to expand our respective knowledge bases.
Well, let me try.
Atom of hydrogen, atom of maroon 5, mic drop.
I'm sorry, who is mic drop?
Ever since Amy started working with Howard, she hasn't been home.
Didn't that just start this morning?
And has she been home?
You know, that would frustrate me.
Does it frustrate you?
It does.
I get that.
You know, it's okay to feel frustrated when things aren't going your way.
I suppose.
Maybe it's not that big a deal.
No, no, no.
Your feelings are valid.
Now, why don't you go wash up, and we'll call you when dinner's ready.
Okay.
What did you do?
Are you a witch?
Well, I've been reading Bernadette's parenting book.
It's like the answer key to the Sheldon test.
That's amazing.
I know, but you know, it's only birth to five.
What do we do when he turns six?
Take him to the zoo and leave him there.
The fundamental problem with elementary quantum mechanical formalism is that the Fourier transform extends to minus infinity in time.
Hey, don't dumb this down for me.
Penny, I'm late for that thing.
See you.
Leonard!
Oh, Sheldon.
Didn't see you there.
What's up?
Well, he was excited to talk science with Amy, but she was working late, so he decided to come over and share it with me.
With me, Leonard.
Sheldon, we've talked about this.
You can't go around boring other people's wives.
Yeah.
I already got a man for that.
Yeah, you do.
Yeah.
It's just, I've been enjoying my collaboration with Amy, but ever since we got back from our honeymoon, she has so little time.
She does have her own job.
Yeah, but it's so dull.
Trying to understand how the brain translates the five senses into biochemical information.
I'd rather wait in line without my phone.
Okay, well, Leonard's here now.
You can talk science with him.
Where are you going?
That thing you were late for.
One of us should really be there.
What a beautiful forest.
Hello, little butterfly.
What's your name?
Oh!
What you doing?
I was enjoying some virtual reality.
You ruined it with your actual face.
What am I smelling?
Oh, it's car air freshener.
I was simulating the smell of the forest.
It's not what the forest smells like.
Well, how would I know?
Amy is the one constant I can count on, and now she's changing.
It's just a haircut and some clothes.
No, it's the last straw.
I can't take any more.
Can you believe it?
They finally fixed the elevator.
This is a nightmare.
What's with him?
He won a Nobel Prize and his wife looks amazing.
Oh, yeah, got it.
How did you get down here?
The elevator.
It's really fast.
I need to be alone right now.
Don't try to follow me.
All right.
You need a ride?
That'd be great.
Thank you.
The entire point of emulating Spock was to rise above human emotion, which I've spent a lifetime mastering.
Oh.
Excuse me?
I'm sorry.
I'm not here.
No, you went, what does mean?
You did go.
Okay, fine.
Sheldon, I'm no expert, but aren't you completely missing the point of Spock?
He liked to act like he had no emotions, but he was still half human.
Just like you.
I'm just saying, you pretend you don't, but you have feelings just like everybody else.
Not true.
No, look at me.
I had an engagement ring to give a girl, and instead she rejected me.
And am I emotional about that?
No.
No, I am sitting here on a couch talking about my favorite TV character like nothing happened.
Because I am just like him.
All logical.
All the time.
Sweetie, you're yelling.
Because when I speak at a regular volume, no one seems to believe me that I put this Amy nonsense behind me.
This documentary is gonna be awesome.
That's the fourth time she's been to the bathroom in the last two hours.
So?
Her breakfast was binding.
I made sure of that.
So?
So she clearly has some sort of stomach distress.
If it's viral, we're all susceptible.
She's probably just air sick.
Well, what if she's not?
What if we get what she has?
What if we infect the King of Sweden?
That's how wars start.
All right, that's it.
This is the outbreak, and she's the monkey.
Wait, stop.
Be reasonable.
Leonard, we need to do something about your wife.
What's the matter?
She is clearly sick, and she's gonna take us all down with her.
She's not sick, Sheldon.
She is, and I'm gonna catch it, and it's gonna ruin the greatest day of my life.
I promise you're not going to get what she has.
Hey, what's going on?
Unclean!
Unclean!
What?
He thinks you're sick.
Oh.
Should we tell him?
Well, if we don't, he might try and jump out of the plane.
Eh, doesn't answer my question.
Tell me what.
I'm pregnant, Sheldon.
You're right.
I can't catch that.
Good news, Amy.
She's just pregnant.
I think we'd make amazing parents.
Will you guys keep it down?
On the other hand, we might lack a certain maturity.
You actually think it's 2003?
No, just because I'm living my life like it was 12 years ago doesn't mean I'm delusional.
And since it is 2003, I don't know who you are.
So please exit the premises before I call the police on my stylish new flip phone.
Hello, 2003.
Hey, we brought you time...
Where is everything?
In my present, it's in the future.
In your present it's been crammed in the bedroom by an enterprising young man I met in the Home Depot parking lot.
I know what you're doing.
You're trying to get attention so we'll feel bad for you, but it's not happening.
No, what I'm doing is trying to figure out how to live my life now that everyone is leaving me.
Knock it off.
We're across the hall.
As the kids are saying today, talk to the hand.
They're not saying that.
They are in 2003.
No, they're really not.
I'm trying to take an interest in other people.
How was your girls' night?
It was fine.
Did you have anything to eat?
Chips.
Anything to drink?
Some wine.
I'm just playing tennis against the drapes here.
It's for the Nobel Laureates.
We need them on our side, but unfortunately Sheldon No, unfortunately Sheldon, that's all you gotta say.
Well, so you need these people's support and you're sending them baked goods?
Yeah, they're pretty smart.
Don't you think they're gonna realize it's just a bribe?
I could think, but sometimes brilliant people can be painfully oblivious to social cues.
Thank you for pointing that out, Sheldon.
And my two dearest friends in the world, Penny Hofstadter and Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.
I was there the moment Leonard and Penny met.
He said to me that their babies would be smart and beautiful.
And now that they're expecting, I have no doubt that that will be the case.
Thanks, Sheldon.
I haven't told my parents yet, but thanks.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Don't tell anyone that last thing.
That's a secret.
What you need is to spend your birthday in a bathroom.
I'm happy to do it with you.
Everyone will think I'm weird.
Sweetie, you are weird.
Everyone knows you're weird, but they're all still here because they care about you so much.
Hello, some of us need to check our hair because we might have a shot with Winard's mother.
