Welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on Anything Goes, where you send in your current dilemmas or anything you want advice on, and then I give you my own professional advice.
And today's topic is one that we know.
It's one that we love.
It's one that we've discussed time and time again.
You know what it is?
Romantic relationships.
Woo!
I'm clapping.
Can you hear that?
Today we're going to be discussing romantic relationships once again, but more specifically, challenges in romantic relationships.
Because I don't think any of you would be in my DMs asking for help if your relationships were going well.
Instead, your phone would be in your bag.
You'd be on a date.
Laughing, cuddling, kissing.
You wouldn't be in my DMs.
Relationship challenges are a common topic here on Advice Session, and understandably so, because relationships are complicated, incredibly complicated.
Even if you're in the most perfect gorgeous long-term idyllic, healthy relationship, trouble is inevitable.
Challenge is inevitable. even the most perfect relationships struggle.
And so that's why I think it's such a common challenge for you all, because it's a common challenge for everyone.
And it's an inevitable challenge that we're all going to experience if we choose to search for a partner in this life.
I mean, I struggle with it too.
Listen, I know I'm giving advice on the topic, but I don't have it all figured out.
I definitely don't have it all figured out.
I'm the first one to say that.
I'm single right now.
If I had it all figured out, I'd probably be in a relationship right now.
But I'm not.
Although I will say, being single is undeniably an important part of my journey to finding my person, if you will.
So actually, I think what I'm doing right now is good.
It's a sign that maybe I do have things somewhat figured out because I think I need to be single.
But I've been in my fair share of relationships.
So without further ado, let's begin.
I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is presented by Venmo.
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Now back to the episode.
Somebody said, how to handle an extremely jealous partner.
He constantly brings up my past, but is also loving and caring.
So I'm confused.
Well, to start, I look at jealousy in a relationship as a form of misguided love in a way.
Love that's turned sour in a way.
Let me explain.
When someone is in a really good place, they're able to just love purely.
Love just flows out of them.
When someone's not in a good place for one reason or another, Love doesn't just flow out of them.
Sometimes love inside the body can get sort of poisoned and then it can come out wrong.
Does that make sense?
That's how I feel about jealousy in a romantic relationship.
It's like...
Your boyfriend loves you so much, but is also in such a bad place that the love is coming out wrong.
It is kind of love.
Like if your boyfriend didn't care about you, he just wouldn't care.
Like he wouldn't be jealous at all.
He'd be negligent.
He'd be avoidant.
Your boyfriend clearly cares.
Jealousy is a form of caring, but it's just love gone sour coming out as jealousy.
Does that make sense?
Oftentimes, the root of it is insecurity.
Actually, I think the cause of jealousy is almost always insecurity.
Your boyfriend's insecure about something.
That's what it is.
And it's turning some of the love that he has in his heart for you into jealousy.
So I want to start out by saying that it makes sense that your boyfriend is loving and caring, because jealousy doesn't occur in this type of situation, often if there isn't love and care.
It's love and care turned into something else.
So it makes sense that both are happening at once.
You know what I'm saying?
In moments when your boyfriend's feeling really insecure, love and care turns into jealousy.
In moments when your boyfriend's maybe feeling a bit better, perhaps in a mentally stronger place, perhaps in a happier place, a more fulfilled place, the love is able to flow out properly.
So that's the first point I want to make.
Now let's discuss how to handle it.
Okay.
Let's reread the question.
How to handle an extremely jealous partner.
He constantly brings up my past, but is also loving and caring.
So I'm confused.
So the issue is your boyfriend is really jealous, which is making him sort of mean and aggressive with you verbally.
Okay.
The advice I'm about to give is the advice that I almost always give when there's challenges in relationships.
Communication.
You got to bring this up.
You got to bring this up.
That's the only way that you're going to get through this.
But I think it's important to go about it in a way that's really gentle.
Because if someone's incredibly jealous, even if they're being a bit mean or a bit... unfair.
Jealousy is ultimately insecurity.
And I think if you want to get through to a jealous person, you have to be really gentle, because even though the way that they're behaving as a result of their jealousy seems rigid and hard and mean, on the inside they're hurting, they're insecure, they're feeling weak.
And so I think, in order to have a, A productive approach is a gentle approach, is a thoughtful approach, is a mindful approach.
You don't want to attack a jealous person, because I feel like that will make them retract into their shell even more.
I think you have to be very soft with a jealous person, even though that seems kind of counterintuitive, because a lot of times jealous people are mean.
They can be the meanest.
So I'll give a sort of example of how I would have this conversation.
Let's say I'm you.
Okay.
I would say to your boyfriend, wait, that sounds like I'm trying to like get with your boyfriend.
That's not what I mean.
Okay.
If I were you, this is what I would say.
I would say okay, perhaps a moment occurs where your boyfriend brings up your past and is really jealous, and This is the perfect time to act.
So if I were you, I would say, can I be honest?
When you bring up my past, it is really upsetting for me because I'm present here now in this relationship with you.
And my past is my past.
I can't change it.
There's nothing I can do about it.
And you bringing it up to me and using it against me is really hurtful.
And it makes me feel like you don't accept me for who I am.
My past is a part of who I am.
And it's very hurtful to have it be weaponized against me.
And there's nothing I can do to change the past.
So I don't know what to tell you.
Why do you think you can't accept me for who I am in the past that I've lived?
Why?
That's a great first question to ask.
Why are you being mean about this particular thing?
It's not fair to me.
And that I think is it's to me that sort of that example feels balanced.
It's confrontational.
It's honest.
It discusses how it makes you feel.
But you're also asking a question that forces them to think.
You know, it forces your boyfriend to think.
And from there some more questions you could ask to potentially force your boyfriend to think could be how have your past romantic experiences impacted our relationship?
Or do you genuinely trust me?
Or how does your childhood affect how you are in our relationship?
All of these questions in kind, of a sneaky way, Force your partner to reflect on potential sources of insecurity that could be coming out in your relationship.
They're forcing your partner to reflect and come to the conclusion that they're dealing with something, they have an issue, without you having to say.
Because if you ask, how have your past romantic experiences impacted our relationship?
And your boyfriend responds, well, my ex cheated on me.
So yeah, like that definitely makes me more anxious in this relationship.
Okay, well now he's just said out loud why he's so jealous and mean with you.
Then you can say, well...
Do you think that that's why you've been a bit unfair with me, a bit mean to me?
Is that why you're weaponizing my past?
Another example would be if you were to ask your boyfriend have I ever done something to breach your trust?
If your boyfriend says no, he just said out loud that there's no reason for him to feel jealous with you.
If you asked, do you genuinely trust me?
Even if I haven't done anything to breach your trust, do you genuinely trust me?
If he says no, ask why.
Why?
I've never done anything, so why?
And depending on the answer, you both will understand what's going on much better.
But also asking about his childhood could be incredibly informative for both of you.
And a conversation like that in a romantic relationship about childhood experiences can really bring two people together in a way that is really special, like when you start to get into your childhood traumas and it's scary, it's vulnerable, but you learn so much about one another.
It really deepens a relationship and it undeniably affects relationships.
It affects how we are in relationships, what we experienced as children.
It's kind of hard to guide this type of conversation.
I think only you can have this conversation with your partner.
I can't give you a script.
You know, you have to go into it and just be intuitive in the moment.
Those were just some vague ideas, some possible thought starters.
But I think the key thing to keep in mind is a jealous person is an insecure person.
And if you want to have a productive conversation, I would recommend being incredibly gentle.
Firm, but gentle.
And not point the finger.
Don't point the finger and say, you're mean, you're wrong, you're broken, you're evil, you suck.
You know?
Not that anyone's saying that, but you get what I'm saying.
Like, I think it's much more productive to approach in a gentle way.
But honestly, that advice goes... for any sort of confrontation.
I think even with the most evil of people, I think being gentle is the way to go.
That's my opinion.
Some people disagree with me.
Some people think that some people deserve to be yelled at, to be ruthlessly criticized.
I personally think being the bigger person and handling conversations with the other person's humanity in mind is always the best way to go.
Now from here, things could go in many different directions.
Your boyfriend might respond really well and you might have an incredibly rich, fulfilling conversation together about your boyfriend's traumas, emotional mental blocks insecurities, his attachment style.
Like you might have a gorgeous, informative conversation that deepens your relationship.
That absolutely might happen.
It also might not happen.
Your boyfriend might respond defensively.
He might retract into his shell.
He might shut down.
He might try to blame you for the feelings of jealousy that he's experiencing.
It might not go well.
And you also kind of have to brace yourself for that.
Now, if that happens, my advice would be give him a little bit of time.
Sometimes, when people are confronted on something, they at first close off and shut down and can't handle it.
But once given some space, they actually come around and they're like, you know what?
Now I'm ready to have the conversation.
Sometimes that takes an hour.
Sometimes that takes a week.
But I would say try to have the conversation.
If it goes badly, give your partner a little bit of time.
Just a little bit of time and see if they come around.
Now, if they don't come around and the problem doesn't improve and they cannot grasp how their jealousy is negatively impacting the relationship, my suggestion would be break up.
If someone's not being a nice partner because they have insecurity issues, that just means that they're not ready to be in a relationship.
They have shit they need to sort out.
And you can only wait around so long.
Listen, To me, this is a deal breaker, right?
Like, if someone is behaving badly in a relationship to this extent and it's making you miserable, the most that you can do is bring it up.
Try to help them through it.
And if they won't take your help through it, then they need to deal with it on their own.
They need to deal with it on their own.
That's the end of it.
So do your best, try to help, try to grow with them.
And if not, then now you're single, right?
And that's kind of fun.
It's kind of fun.
Okay, moving on.
Somebody said, when I'm hanging out with my boyfriend and our friends, I feel like he doesn't give me enough attention.
Am I too needy?
What do I do?
I don't like it.
First, I would say, before you even confront your partner on this, look inward.
Genuinely, deeply, honestly analyze your boyfriend's behavior.
Ask yourself what you really think is going on.
Do you think that your boyfriend's not giving you attention in social settings because he's embarrassed of your relationship?
He's ashamed?
He doesn't think you're cool?
Or is it just because he's not really into PDA?
He doesn't like performing public displays of affection.
Or perhaps he just wants to be present with his friends.
He spends so much time with you in private, you know, just the two of you.
When he's with friends, he just wants to be present with them and give them the time of day, because he's always spending time with you, right?
What do you really think it is?
Which of those two?
Now be incredibly honest with yourself, because it can be easy to jump to the conclusion that your boyfriend's embarrassed.
He doesn't find you interesting.
Like in a group of people, you're not that interesting to him.
It can be easy to jump to the conclusion that he doesn't love you anymore or that he's ashamed of you.
But in many of the relationships I've been in, my boyfriends have not been affectionate with me at all in groups.
Like I've rarely experienced that.
I don't think I ever even have.
I think every single relationship I've ever been in the guy I've dated hasn't really liked giving me attention in front of other people.
Not because they didn't like me, but because they found it to be sort of inappropriate.
You know, they kind of just I don't know.
They wanted to be present with friends and not make anyone uncomfortable with our romance, which I actually think is totally fair.
You know, there have been times where I've maybe wanted a little bit more affection.
And I don't think that's wrong either.
I
Just a disconnect.
But when I've experienced this, upon reflection, I realized this is not personal.
They just don't feel comfortable being super affectionate with me in groups.
Now, once you figure out what you think is going on, do you think your boyfriend genuinely like it's personal?
There's something about you.
He's embarrassed.
He's ashamed.
Do you think it's that, or do you think it's just a mismatched sort of affection style between the two of you?
Once you figure out that, then I would say bring it up to your partner.
But with a slightly clearer perspective, now you know how to bring it up.
If you think your partner is genuinely embarrassed of you, ashamed of you and is avoiding you, then perhaps you can address the topic in a more, maybe in a more emotional way.
Like be like, hey...
I really feel like you're not present with me when we're out with friends.
And it's really upsetting for me.
And it makes me feel like you don't love me.
Like, I hate to be extreme, but it makes me feel like you don't love me.
Actually, don't apologize.
Don't say I hate to be this extreme.
Don't say that.
Just say, it makes me feel like you don't love me, that you're not proud to be with me.
And it's really hurtful.
And it's like an issue that we need to resolve or else like, I don't know what we're going to do.
And you can also say, to me, this feels like maybe even a deeper issue.
Like what's going on?
You know, something feels kind of off.
Now, if you think your boyfriend just isn't as affectionate with you, you're sure it's not that deep, because maybe when you two are alone he's incredibly affectionate.
He's super present.
It's just when you guys are in social settings, you feel like he's sort of ignoring you.
If you think that's the case.
I bring things up a little bit more gently, because there's other signs in the relationship that are positive, that show that you know he's there.
He loves you.
He's present.
I would say bring it up maybe a bit less emotionally, perhaps a bit less extreme.
I'd say something along the lines of, do you just forget about me when we're with our friends?
Like, hello, I'm still here.
What is that?
You could bring it up casually like that.
Just be like.
Why don't you like give me a little kiss on the cheek every once in a while when we're around our friends?
Why don't you check in every once in a while?
What's with that?
I think you can keep it lighthearted.
Sometimes conversations don't need to be this like intense sit down thing where it's like hey, we need to talk.
Sometimes it just makes sense to casually in the car on the way home be like, hey, I noticed this.
It's interesting.
Why do you do that?
It's not that big of a deal, but why do you do that?
And just kind of put your feelers out.
And then if they're like oh, I didn't even notice, then you can be like well listen, I'll be honest.
It is a little bit upsetting for me sometimes.
Then you can kind of take it up a notch.
If they're like, well, the reason why I do that is because of this.
Perhaps they say, well, I just, you know, I'm really present with you and it's just the two of us.
So I want to make sure I give time and attention to our friends.
Then to that, you could choose what you want to say.
If that's a fair enough answer, then maybe you just need to accept that that's how your partner chooses to show affection in public spaces with friends.
They choose not to show affection at all.
If that doesn't satisfy you, if you're still feeling bothered by it, then say listen, that makes total sense.
But also, I kind of need a little bit more.
It really bugs me for some reason that you don't give me attention when we're all together.
Maybe we could meet in the middle and you could give me a little bit more attention and...
I won't expect too much necessarily, but maybe you could put a little bit more effort in and make me feel good.
Again, the conversation could go like 50 different ways, but that is my advice.
Bring it up and come up with solutions together, depending on how your partner responds and depending on what you think the root of the issue is.
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Now back to the episode.
Okay, moving on.
Somebody said, I just broke up with my boyfriend.
He had no commitment to me, was bad at texting and never planned dates or anything really.
Now I'm breaking up with him and he is so upset and saying he loves me.
What do I do?
He didn't show any of that when we were together.
I'm confused.
Well, they love to do that, don't they?
They love, they love to do that.
They love to do that.
This is a tale as old as time.
You know the saying, they don't know what they had till it's gone.
Or you don't know what you got till it's gone.
Whatever.
This is really unfortunate.
Your partner was lazy in the relationship, wasn't putting effort in, took you for granted.
Now you're leaving.
And now they realize the mistake that they've made.
Oops.
Well, here's the deal.
You have a choice.
Not to defend bad behavior or...
But we do learn as we go in relationships.
Like no one has it all figured out.
And there is a chance that your partner genuinely didn't realize what it meant to be an attentive partner when you were together.
And perhaps you didn't communicate in the relationship enough that this was an issue.
It might be a shock that you're breaking up with him.
And now he's like, wait, what the fuck?
I didn't know I was doing anything wrong.
Maybe no one has ever confronted him on this before.
Maybe he genuinely is upset and is like wait, I just didn't even know that I was supposed to be this way in a relationship.
And now it's too late and now you're leaving.
And he's like, wait, this was a complete like curveball.
Like, I just didn't see this coming.
And if I would have known, I would have been different.
There's genuinely a chance that that's the case.
There's also a chance that your partner was lazy and maybe just is lazy in these areas.
That's just their nature.
And maybe they're not emotionally available enough to be in a relationship, but the breakup is hitting them hard regardless.
And even though they know that that's who they are, at least for right now they're, I'd like to believe, unintentionally manipulating you by being like Oh my God no, I love you.
I didn't mean to hurt you just to pull you back in to ease the pain.
Now, the choice is yours, okay?
You have to decide what to do with what he's telling you.
Sounds like you've communicated and your ex or now ex is saying, no, I love you.
Like, I want you back.
I will be better.
It sounds like that's the way the conversation is going right now.
So you could sit your partner down or your ex and be like well, things really need to change next time if we're going to do this again.
But It sounds like he's saying what he needs to say.
Like he's telling you already that he wants to stay together.
He loves you.
He's sorry.
So now you need to look inward.
You need to reflect.
You need to analyze.
And you need to figure out what you're going to do next.
Are you going to stay with him?
Are you going to give him another chance?
Or are you sure that this is just who he is for right now and he has a lot of growth to do before he's going to be able to show up in the way that you need?
And so it doesn't make sense to be together right now.
Only you, through analysis, can come to that conclusion.
Some things to consider that could help you figure out how to handle this.
Ask yourself, number one, have you confronted him on this before?
How did he react?
Was he defensive?
Was he like, oh my God, I'm so sorry, and then nothing changed?
Or have you never confronted him and he didn't even know that he was being a lazy bad boyfriend?
Another thing to ask yourself, did you ever give him a chance to grow post-confrontation?
This is obviously only if you did confront.
Did you confront him and then a day later break up with him?
Or did you give him time and a few chances and nothing changed?
And last but not least, can you imagine any sort of future with him if this issue was resolved?
Like a lot of times, you know, there's like one big issue in a relationship that causes a breakup.
But it's not the only issue.
Like there's also a lot of other things.
Like maybe the sexual chemistry wasn't quite there or the humor wasn't compatible, or I don't know, maybe your plans for the future didn't align.
If this problem were to go away completely, although it's kind of complicated because this is like a compound issue.
He had no commitment to you, was bad at texting and never planned dates or anything.
That's kind of like really bad.
Like that's kind of like the entire basis of a relationship.
And none of that was there.
So I actually don't know if it's helpful to ask yourself if you could imagine any sort of future with him if this issue was resolved.
Because it's like, if this issue was resolved, it'd be a completely different relationship.
I think you just need to ask yourself if there's any chance that you could grow together through this.
Is it possible?
Is it realistic?
Anything's possible.
So I guess it's better to ask if it's realistic.
It seems you've already made up your mind though.
You broke up with him.
He's like trying to get you back now, but you broke up with him.
You made that decision.
You've already done the hard work.
I would say, don't go back now.
You made that decision for a reason just because he's saying he loves you.
It's like, yeah, he's sad.
He's emotional.
He's losing his partner.
He's still the same person that you were in a relationship with for however long.
Yeah, there's a chance he could change.
But I think regardless, regardless, my advice honestly would be, obviously make your own decision.
Only you can analyze it and come to a conclusion.
But I would say, if I were to give you specific advice on what to do, I would say follow through with the breakup, be broken up for six months, maybe a year and then maybe some point down the line, grab lunch and see if things are different.
But see, The thing is, if you break up and you don't see each other for six months, chances are you'll both grow apart and find something else, whether that's singlehood or a new relationship, you know.
Next, somebody said, what to do when my boyfriend gives me the silent treatment?
I'm a sensitive person and it really hurts my feelings and makes me panic.
My boyfriend doesn't like to talk about the future, but I'm a planner.
What do I do?
Okay.
Um, sounds like you're a very communicative person.
You want to talk about your feelings.
You want to talk about the future.
And it sounds like your partner is the opposite.
Doesn't want to talk about feelings.
Doesn't want to talk about the future.
This is a huge disconnect.
Communication is the baseline.
It is the foundation of any solid relationship with any sort of depth.
So this is a huge problem, to be honest.
I've been there, though.
I have dated somebody who was truly allergic to communicating, truly couldn't do it, couldn't do it, couldn't talk about anything, nothing.
Anything below, remotely below the surface, couldn't do it.
And I really struggled with that because I'm the same as you incredibly communicative, wants to talk about my feelings all the time.
Also wants to talk about the future.
And what I've learned from my experience in a relationship with the type of person that you're describing is that that doesn't work for us.
It just doesn't.
I honestly think this is a deal breaker.
I think you can bring it up.
You might as well, because I think it's best in a relationship to leave no stones unturned.
It's good to... dot all your i's and cross all your t's like really try everything you can to make it work if there's you know genuine potential there and you want to before ending it because then when you end it you feel ready you're like i i tried everything and it didn't work so that was the end of it and i have no regrets because i did everything i could so Yeah, bring it up to your partner.
Say, hey, this is a huge issue.
I need to be able to talk about my feelings.
I need you to not just shut down and become silent.
I need you to respond to me, talk to me like a human being.
And I need to be able to talk about the future with you.
These are two things that are incredibly important to me.
Make an ultimatum.
Say, if we can't start communicating about these things, I cannot do this.
This is the baseline, the bare minimum in a healthy relationship.
And it's not happening here.
And so we either figure this out together, rise to the occasion, find a solution together, or I'm out.
Done.
Say that.
I think it's okay to say that.
In this type of situation because it is so truly.
The foundation of a romantic relationship is communication, is being on the same page, is talking about your feelings, is not giving one another the silent treatment.
Like this is the most important thing in a romantic relationship.
I don't think there's anything more important than this.
So I think it's okay to be kind of harsh to set an ultimatum.
And I know it can be scary to have this type of conversation, especially with a partner that struggles with communication.
The irony is it's the most important to communicate with a partner who's bad at communicating.
That's who needs to be communicated with the most.
And yet it's the hardest to communicate with that type of person because they're so closed off to it that it's very scary to bring things up.
It's so much scarier to confront somebody who's bad at communicating than it is to confront somebody who's good at it.
Like I've been in... If I were to compare two relationships that I've had...
One that was incredibly open, like incredibly communicative, talked about everything.
If I were to compare that to my non-communicative relationship, if I were to compare them.
Communicating and confronting in the super open relationship was so easy.
The second there was an issue, the second there was a problem, it was like, boom, it's up.
It's brought up. which actually in some ways made the relationship less problematic.
Like there was less to bring up because we would just bring everything up in the moment.
You know, whereas with the non-communicative relationship there were so many more underlying issues that were festering that weren't ever discussed.
And it actually probably could have worked if there was more communication.
Eh, maybe not, but you know what I'm saying?
Like Who knows what could have happened if we could have communicated.
But I was too scared because I was like I don't even know how to start a confrontation of sorts with this person.
I don't even know.
I don't even and also I don't have the courage, because there's not a space, a safe space being sort of created in this relationship for communication, for confrontation, for honesty.
So I know it's hard.
I know it's extra hard, but it's what you have to do.
It's what you have to do.
You have to be like.
You know, I really need to have conversations of substance with you, you know, and I need you to not give me the silent treatment.
I need you to show up, respond to me, talk to me.
It's that or it's over.
Sorry.
Also too.
Before I move on, it's a red flag to me if your boyfriend doesn't want to talk about the future.
Like listen, I get being anxious about planning the future with a partner when maybe things are sort of new.
But if you've been together for like a year or two, I mean, that's appropriate.
Unless you're like 17.
Okay, if you're like 17, I get that that would make your boyfriend uncomfortable, you know?
But if you're in your 20s, it's fair game, in my opinion.
I mean, I don't know.
Some people getting married at like 17 is a vibe.
I wouldn't do it, but I don't judge either.
So actually, maybe we can remove the age out of that piece of advice.
Okay.
Next, somebody said my friends don't like my boyfriend and I don't know who to believe.
Slash trust.
I wish everyone could get along, but there's been so much friction.
What do I do?
Well, this isn't fun and it's definitely not ideal.
Obviously, it's very important for our inner circle to all meld well.
I mean, it's not always possible, but it is definitely very helpful because I think the key to having a good foundation in life is having a solid group of people that all get along, that are all there for you in a way.
I don't know whether it's a combination of family, friends and a significant other, or maybe it's just a really wonderful group of friends.
I don't know.
No matter what your support system is, I think it's important that everybody involved gets along.
And the problem is, when it's not, you don't get to benefit from that solid foundation, that solid social foundation.
Not even social foundation, but it is just kind of like foundation.
You don't get to reap the benefits of it if it doesn't feel safe and secure.
If there's conflict within your foundation, that's sort of like a crack in your foundation.
It's less secure.
You don't feel safe.
You're constantly focusing on that crack.
So it doesn't even feel like a foundation.
It feels... off.
It feels unstable.
And I think we should all strive to have a stable foundation in that way.
And it can look a billion different ways, right?
It doesn't necessarily need to involve your family.
It could just be a group of friends and your significant other.
There are certain times in our life where we don't have a foundation of people, a support system.
That's the word for it, support system.
I've been saying foundation.
But like social foundation, what?
I meant support system.
You know, we're not always going to have a perfect support system.
There are going to be times in our life where our support system is compromised.
But I think there's so much value in a strong support system that I would say it's worth striving for to have everyone get along.
And so when it comes to dealing with this situation, okay, your friends don't like your boyfriend.
There's a few ways you can handle this.
Number one, you could pick a side.
It sounds extreme.
But by yourself, analyze the situation.
Analyze your friends, why they feel the way that they do about your boyfriend, how good of friends they are to you genuinely.
Do they show up for you every single time?
How there for you are they?
Are they super protective because they've known you their whole life?
Are they friends that you just met like...
Six months ago.
Are you not that close with them?
Like analyze the quality of your friendship and give your friendship with your friends sort of like a rating in your head.
Like, you know what?
This friendship is an A minus.
Like, my experience in this group has been really wonderful or I've known them my whole life and we have like a really beautiful strong, supportive relationship.
Or you could be like, you know what?
I give them a D minus, honestly.
Yeah, I've known them my whole life, but they're actually kind of haters, right?
Like they're always kind of preying on my downfall and everybody else is single.
And like maybe they are just jealous that I have a boyfriend.
Like give your friendship with your friends a rating.
Then analyze your boyfriend.
Pick him apart.
You're in the privacy of your own mind.
Pick him apart and give him a rating.
How good of a boyfriend is he?
Are your friend's concerns valid at all?
Can you see where they're coming from?
And then from there, pick a side.
I don't know if that's crazy to say, but like there's a chance that it seems that someone's wrong here either your friends or your boyfriend.
Somebody is a problem.
If your friends genuinely love you and care about you and your boyfriend maybe isn't their favorite person, but he is ultimately harmless they'll find a way to accept him if he's making you very happy.
Like that's a good friend.
Now that I'm thinking about it, I guess you don't necessarily need to pick a side.
Well, I think you need to start by figuring out who's in the wrong here boyfriend or friends and then confront the one that you think is the problem.
Try to get to the bottom of it.
Try to solve it.
Now, there's a chance that both sides are neither right or wrong.
And what do you do in that situation?
If your friends are valid in their concerns about your partner, maybe he's kind of annoying.
Maybe he's not a bad guy, but he's kind of annoying.
Or maybe your friends think you can do better.
That's not inherently wrong.
But let's say you love your boyfriend and you think he's also great.
You know, you actually are really happy with him.
I think in that case you need to sort of make an ultimatum with your friends and say listen, I need everybody in my support system to be aligned and to be able to tolerate each other.
And I can't handle this.
You're going to either need to let it go or I don't know what to tell you.
I can't spend time with you because this is creating conflict in my inner circle, in my support system, that I need to be intact so badly.
Or you could potentially attempt to keep them separate.
I just think that that doesn't feel like a proper solution.
Because your friends are still going to talk shit about him.
I mean, maybe keeping them separate could work.
But then now, if you want to throw a dinner party, you're like fuck, do I invite my friends or do I invite my boyfriend?
Or do I invite both?
And then like...
My friends are acting weird.
You know what I'm saying?
I almost think you might have to choose one or the other.
And I'm not sure if that's too extreme.
And this is why I always say at the beginning of the episode, take my advice with a grain of salt.
But I really do believe that a strong support system where everyone can tolerate one another Everyone doesn't need to be best friends, but everyone can tolerate each other I think is so important.
And so I think the key is to try to figure out it's like a puzzle try to figure out a way for everyone to get along and everyone to be friendly and everyone to like each other not even necessarily like each other, but get along and tolerate one another.
And on the journey to figuring that out, if you're realizing like oh, my friends are being really difficult, maybe that's a sign that they're not good friends.
If on the journey you discover, wait, my boyfriend actually does kind of suck, maybe your friends are onto something, but only you can go on that journey.
And I wish you luck.
And that's it.
That is it for today's advice session.
I hope you enjoyed it.
If you did, new episodes of advice session every other Sunday.
New episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday and Sunday.
You can watch on YouTube and Spotify and listen literally anywhere.
Anything Goes is on social media at Anything Goes.
I'm on the internet at Emma Chamberlain and my coffee company is in the world and online at Chamberlain Coffee.
I love you all.
I appreciate you all.
It's always a pleasure to give you advice, and I can't believe that you even kind of listen to it.
Like, it's an honor.
But take it with a grain of salt.
I'll say that 500 times per advice session episode, if I have to, because it's so important that you take it with a grain of salt.
Because I do not know all, do I?
No, I don't.
I love you all.
I appreciate you all.
Thank you for listening.
Thank you for hanging out.
I'll talk to you soon in a few days.
And until then, keep being freaking awesome.
Okay, love you.
Bye.
