Welcome back to Advice Session.
A series here on Anything Goes, where you send in your current dilemmas or anything you want advice on, and then I give you my unprofessional advice.
And today's topic is friendship, but more specifically situations in friendship where it's unclear if you're in the wrong.
Now, I don't love pointing fingers in arguments, even when someone deserves to have a finger pointed at them.
I don't love that style of communication.
I don't love that style of argument because I find that it's not optimal for growth.
I feel like when everyone involved in a conversation, a confrontation, approaches it in a humane kind I guess not kind, but like mature way I think it creates an environment where everyone's guards are down so that growth can happen.
When people start pointing fingers, people start locking up and their walls come up.
So I don't love pointing fingers.
However, When there is some sort of challenge in a friendship, I do think it can be helpful to reflect inwardly and figure out what role you play in the challenge in the conflict.
I think pointing the finger inward can be incredibly helpful.
And I was shocked at how many people were struggling with a similar dilemma in friendship, because I was able to gather multiple dilemmas of yours about a very similar challenge, which is am I in the wrong?
That question.
Hey, this is what's going on.
Am I in the wrong?
But upon reflecting on my own life, I was like, wow, I actually ask myself that all the time, too.
I just I don't know.
I never thought of it as like a common.
Well, no, I mean, it is a common.
I don't know.
I just I was shocked at how many of you were struggling with this all at the same time in completely different situations, in friendship.
But this is just.
It's more of a challenge in friendship than I guess I had in the forefront of my mind.
You know what I mean? the dilemma of, am I in the wrong?
But I think asking that question is incredibly important and useful.
So without further ado, let's get into it.
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Now back to the episode.
Somebody said I really don't like this girl because she wronged me, but my friends keep hanging out with her anyway.
Are they wrong for that?
Do I just need to get over it?
In this type of situation, I don't think you need to just get over it.
It's okay to be hurt, to feel hurt about what happened to you.
It's okay to have an experience with someone and say, you know what?
That was the straw that broke the camel's back with this person.
I'm done.
I don't want to be around this person anymore.
I don't want them in my life anymore.
There's nothing wrong with that.
However, it is a bit complicated because your friends, for whatever reason, have chosen to remain friends with this girl.
Now, you don't need to just get over it.
You should feel however you feel about that situation and honor that.
However, how you handle your friends is a bit more complicated, because it seems that, no matter what direction you go in, no matter what you choose to do, you might have to lose something in a way.
So no, I don't think you need to just get over it.
I think you need to honor how you feel about the situation.
Now, to address if your friends are wrong for continuing to be friends with this girl, it depends.
If this girl apologized to you profusely, said she learned from her mistake and you still are not down to be friends with her, but your friends took that apology.
That's tricky, right?
Because I don't necessarily think they're wrong if they feel like she learned from that and they kind of take her for who she is now, assuming that she did learn and grow from it.
I don't necessarily think that's wrong.
If your friends continue to stay friends with her even after all of this and she didn't really try to repair the relationship with you, those aren't great friends, to be honest.
Those aren't great friends.
Great friends, I think will choose to support you through a challenge with someone else like that and will, in a way I don't like to say choose your side, but it's kind of what it is.
I think good friends will choose your side and understand the pain that this person caused you and choose to maintain your friendship over that one.
I think that's what good friends would do.
But if this girl really tried to repair things with you and your friends feel like you know what that was a solid gesture.
I really think she learned from this then it's a bit more tricky because she did what she could to try to repair the situation and you didn't accept that, which is totally fine, by the way.
That is absolutely your choice.
But if your friends feel like that was a good deed, then it's a bit tricky and then it's kind of up to you what you do from there.
One option is you could try to work on your relationship with the girl who wronged you.
You're not just gonna get over it, but you could work on that relationship.
You could go to dinner with this girl.
Talk through it, say what you need to say, communicate through it and get to a point where maybe you can forgive her and maybe everyone can be friends again.
If that's impossible for you and you're like, I just don't want this person in my life.
After what they did, I'm just done forever.
I just can't.
I just can't.
Then this might be a sign that maybe it's time to make some new friends.
You don't necessarily need to cut off your group of friends, but...
Friendships are ultimately a part of our support system, our foundation in life.
And that needs to be intact.
You know, that needs to be healthy.
Otherwise, it's not a valuable part of our foundation.
It's like it's a it's a cracked, fucked up little part of our foundation.
And I think it's so important for us to keep our foundation strong, and our friendships are a big part of that.
And so if your friends, being friends with this girl, is upsetting to you and you don't wanna be around this girl, that's a crack in your foundation.
And that's gonna cause stress and anxiety in general in your life in a way that's not worth it.
So it might be time to start chatting it up with somebody else at work, at school, at the gym.
Might be time to just start being social with other people and maybe start building out a different friend group.
That's my advice.
Okay, next.
Somebody said, Well, I want to start by saying, no, you are not a bad person for feeling that way.
It's so normal, I think, and so natural to look at other people's strengths and to, I don't know, maybe feel a little bit uncomfortable by that.
Like, I think that's very normal.
But I think it's an incredible opportunity for growth, as long as you don't let it turn into jealousy and resentment, you know.
The beautiful thing about friendships and relationships in general is that they can rub off on you if you let them.
How are we supposed to grow and evolve into better people if we don't kind of take things from the people in our lives?
Ideally...
We have people in our lives who inspire us to become a better version of ourselves, you know?
And so if you really admire your friend's radiant outgoing nature, maybe instead of harboring the limiting belief that that's who she is and that you're different and that you could never be like that,
Allow yourself to be inspired by it.
You know, take from that a little bit.
Be more like her in that way.
I think there's nothing wrong with admiring a trait that somebody else has and then adopting it a little bit.
I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
But there's also a chance that this is just not you at all and this will never be you, and you don't even really want it to be you.
Then I think what it comes down to is building a sense of confidence on a personal level that allows you to accept what you bring to the table socially in a way where it's like her sparkle doesn't dull mine.
Like mine's just a little different, you know?
And I think in order to build that confidence, maybe you need to figure out who you are socially alone.
Maybe you need to go out without her a little bit.
Go to a party every once in a while without her.
Go to a bar every once in a while without her and see what comes out of you and get really comfortable with that and really familiar with that and find confidence in that.
It takes time though.
It does.
I'm speaking about it like super simple.
Just go out sometimes alone and then it might take a year.
Who knows?
But I think...
Becoming confident and comfortable with who you are socially without her around and being able to see and feel the value that you bring, I think will help you build confidence so that when she's sort of the star, it's like all good.
My sparkle's just a little different.
It might be a little bit less glittery, but it's a really beautiful color.
You know what I mean?
Me using glitter as a metaphor?
Yeah.
Yeah, but it's like maybe her glitter is like super shiny and like chunky glitter silver.
But yours is like a gorgeous like monochromatic or not monochromatic.
What's it called?
Holographic.
Yours is like a gorgeous holographic like baby blue glitter.
It's maybe a little bit less loud, but there's so much beauty in it.
I think in order to discover that beauty, perhaps you have to let it shine without her around and get to know that part of yourself.
I don't know, then you maybe won't feel as outshined.
But I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling that.
I think the key is to let it inspire you rather than make you jaded.
I think you become wrong for it if you start developing resentment towards your friend for something that is out of her control.
That's just her personality.
You know, that's who she is.
It's not fair to resent someone for their personality that's harmless.
It's not like being outgoing is mean or wrong.
That's not fair, right?
If you start getting mean with her because you're jealous, that's when you're in the wrong.
But it doesn't sound like that's happening yet.
It sounds like right now you're just feeling privately a bit drowned out, a bit insecure about it maybe.
Let it inspire you to either adopt that trait yourself you know, become more like her in that way, or let it inspire you to go out and find what you bring socially without her around, and find confidence in that.
Okay, next, somebody said, my best friend regularly ditches me for guys when we go out.
She apologizes later, but then she always does it again.
Is it wrong for this to annoy me?
No, it is not wrong for this to annoy you.
That is incredibly annoying.
Incredibly annoying.
Here's the deal.
If you've confronted her on this multiple times.
Actually, it sounds like you don't even have to confront her.
She's apologized to you multiple times and yet continues to do it over and over again.
You need to take more extreme measures to sort of snap her out of it.
I think you stop going out with her.
I think you find a new going out friend.
If you've had a solid conversation about this with her.
It sounds like you have, because she's confronting it after the fact.
She keeps doing it, but then...
Bring it up and be like, I'm so sorry.
So there's a chance that you brought it up already one time.
Then she was like, oh my God, I'm so sorry.
I won't do it again.
Then she's continued to do it over and over again and then apologize every single time.
It's clear that she knows she's doing something wrong.
So it sounds like a conversation about it isn't really necessary at this point.
It sounds like a conversation already happened.
And she just hasn't learned from her mistake.
So listen, you could have one more conversation and be like, I really can't go out with you anymore.
If you keep doing this, like I'm just not going to go out with you anymore.
You could do that.
To me at this point, you've communicated enough.
It sounds like I would just stop going out with her.
Stop going out with her.
And that's going to be sad for her, I imagine.
If she's apologizing... If she didn't care about you as a friend, she probably wouldn't apologize.
She clearly cares about you as a friend because she's apologizing.
She's probably going to be sad if you stop going out with her.
She texts you...
Oh my God, we're going to this bar tonight with the boys.
I'm so jealous, by the way.
I'd love to go out tonight with boys.
But it's Friday and I'm inside.
Me just like throwing that in there.
Little pity party for me real quick.
Excuse me.
Little pity party for me real quick.
If she texts you and invites you out and you say no, she's going to be like, ooh, that's weird.
Then the next time it happens, it's like, hmm, something going on.
Third time she's going to know, you know?
She's going to know and it's going to force her to reevaluate because reality is setting in.
Reality is setting in that she can't get away with making the same mistake over and over again without repercussions.
I think sometimes people need a more extreme wake up call.
Like sometimes a conversation is not scary enough and you have to take more extreme measures.
You have to remove yourself from their life.
They have to lose something to learn.
Because, listen, I'm a boy crazy girl.
I get it.
I get it.
Like, I don't... Listen, I'm not saying... There's no excuses for what your friend is doing.
But I understand the excitement and the pull of boys.
I've always been boy crazy since I was...
Four years old, literally.
That's when I had my first crush.
I just, I like, I love being around boys.
It's so fun, even though I'm so scared of them.
But I love being around them.
And I'm, it's like, it really consumes me.
And so I understand the feeling that your friend is getting.
I don't think it's personal to you.
I think she's genuinely just like me and loves being around boys and loves seeing if they'll flirt with you.
Like it's, it's almost drug-like.
You know, like I know where your friend's head's at.
She's not trying to be a bad friend to you.
She's just so excited.
She just wants to be around the boys, you know, and she wants to flirt with them and she wants to talk to them.
I would like to believe that I've never done this to a friend.
Well, I don't think I ditch.
I never ditch anyone to be around guys because I'm too scared to be around guys alone.
So if anything, I'm like, hey, can you come talk to this cute boy with me?
Because I can't do it by myself.
Like that's my vibe more.
But I don't think that your friend is a bad person, but they need a wake-up call and they need to see that they can't be selfish in this way and get away with it.
This also might be a sign that your friend is actually just kind of a selfish person.
Their needs are their number one priority.
And for like, they just cannot be thoughtful.
Like in the heat of a moment, they just are always going to choose themselves.
There are people like that.
I think that they can learn and grow and evolve and improve.
But I think only through wake up calls like this.
So my advice is kind of get out of there.
Get out of there.
Find a new going out friend.
We'll be right back.
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Now back to the episode.
Next, somebody said, I started dating my best friend's brother in private.
She got upset when we told her and now she won't talk to me.
This is what I was afraid of.
Am I wrong to be dating him?
We really like each other and I don't know what to do.
This is so tough.
This is really tough because on one hand, I see where your best friend is coming from.
If your best friend set a boundary with you and said I don't feel comfortable with one of my friends dating my brother.
It makes me uncomfortable because I want my relationship with you to be just ours.
It complicates things if my brother's involved.
Because if you guys break up, it'll fuck up our friendship.
You know, you can't I don't want to hear you talking shit about my brother to me.
You know, in friendship, it's very common to talk about relationships.
You know, like I get why someone wouldn't want their best friend to date their sibling.
Like, I totally get it.
But on the other hand, you kind of can't control who you fall in love with in a way.
And I think spark in romance is so rare.
I guess it's not that rare, but for some of us it is.
It's so kindred.
It's so special that I also see where you're coming from, you know, and where her brother's coming from.
It's like if it's working, if it's clicking, if the spark is there, it's kind of a shame not to try it.
Yeah.
Can I be honest?
I don't know who's in the wrong here.
Because your best friend is allowed to have boundaries in her friendship.
But at the same time, you and her brother having a spark, it's sad.
It's like a Romeo and Juliet situation is kind of heartbreaking.
Oh, we're perfect together, but we can't be together because of... It's like, that sucks.
And so, you know, my gut reaction is like, oh, I wish your best friend could just like...
I understand, you know, like I'm I'm on your team, honestly.
But I also understand the feeling of betrayal that your best friend is feeling.
It's like, are you kidding me?
You guys went behind my back and started dating when I made it clear that that was not something I was comfortable with.
Hence why you went behind her back.
It's tough.
It's really tough.
OK, so here's the thing.
I don't know who's in the wrong.
I don't really know who's in the wrong.
I kind of feel like no one's in the wrong, to be honest.
I feel like this is one of those situations where it's just simply unfortunate and no one's in the wrong.
But something's got to happen, right?
Either your friend needs to accept the relationship or you need to choose your friendship with your best friend over your romantic relationship with her brother, which means now that you're going to break up with the brother, which now means being with the friend's going to be weird because then when you see the brother at you know at their house or something, it's like weird if they live together.
I guess if they don't live together, it's not as big of a deal.
Or you're gonna choose the relationship with the brother and then your best friend's gonna be pissed and is gonna cut you off.
Oh my God, it's tough.
It's really tricky.
It's really tricky, but do you know what I think has to happen?
I think you all have to sit down, all of you, all three of you.
I think you all need to sit down in a room, at a table, and you need to hash it out and you need to come up with a solution together because, to be honest, I don't even know where to begin with this.
I don't even know where to begin with this.
I think you all just need to sit down and talk about it.
And I think you all need to share how you're feeling.
And then, once everyone's shared how they feel, I think everyone needs to go around and share what they think the solution is.
And I mean, I think it's pretty clear what you and the boy are gonna say.
I think you and the boy are both gonna be like, You just need to accept our love.
I mean, it's really going to be your best friend who's either going to accept it or say you guys need to break up.
To be honest though, it feels harsh to say like, you guys need to break up.
If you want to be my friend, you guys need to break up.
Seems harsh.
I also kind of get it.
And then from there you have to make a decision.
Oh, my God.
What do you do?
What do you do if she's like, you have to choose him or me?
What would I do in your situation?
Oh, my God.
I think this is the most stumped I've ever been on advice session.
And I know what some of you are thinking.
Emma, you're so not a girl's girl.
It's so obvious that you should choose your best friend over the brother.
I'm not so quick to say that, and here's why.
Because friendship is so fucking important.
But you know what else is really important?
Finding a partner, if that's something that's a priority in your life, you know?
And it's not easy to find a valid partner.
Like, that's tough.
And if you, on accident, fell in love with your best friend's brother, that could be the father of your children.
Like this could be meant to be like, I don't know.
That's why I'm like, not so quick to say it's not like, that's not friend code.
But the thing is, I do think it probably is the responsible choice to choose the friendship over the romantic relationship, because the That relationship has longer legs.
You've been friends for longer.
I mean, obviously, because I don't think you met the brother before you met your best friend.
I mean, maybe, but it doesn't sound like it.
And I think it is best to honor the deeper friendship, the deeper relationship.
And I do think that that's being a good friend.
But it's really hard for me to say that, because I also know that it's so important to find a good partner.
But also, this might be a sign from the universe that you weren't meant to be with that guy anyway.
Maybe it wasn't meant to be.
And maybe this whole drama is the universe keeping you both apart for a reason.
There's so many ways to slice this.
So hopefully that was helpful.
But really, I just wish you luck.
Because honestly, if I was in this situation, I would be a wreck.
You got this, though.
And whatever happens, like I think protect the friendship.
There's other fish in the sea to date.
That's my final answer.
If your friend can't accept the love.
But it pains me to say that because I'm like feeling your pain.
Oh, my God.
But then also now I'm thinking about it.
I'm like, will the friendship ever be the same?
You know, like, will your friend forgive you for that?
I think your friend would probably forgive you for that if you did respect her wishes and break up with her brother.
Maybe, but then there's tension.
Oh, it's terrible.
It's terrible.
But maybe it just doesn't make sense right now.
And maybe down the line, your friend would be open to it when you guys are a little bit older.
Let your intuition guide you in this one.
But it's so dangerous because, I don't know.
I'm curious if people are going to disagree with me on this and say, Emma, are you kidding?
It took you a little bit too long to come to the conclusion that this girl needs to choose her friend over her brother.
But I hope you hear where I'm coming from on this and why I'm not so quick to say that.
Moving on, somebody said, my friends say they care about me, but their actions say otherwise.
They don't show up for me when I really need them.
Am I wrong to feel hurt?
How much can I expect from them?
This is tricky because everyone has a different idea of what friendship means to them.
Like to some people, friendship is incredibly intimate and deep.
You talk every single day.
You drop everything to show up for one another.
And some people take friendship a bit less seriously, not in a bad way but, like some people, just look at friendship like
I don't know, just not as... Perhaps it's less demanding, right?
And I don't think any particular style of friendship is wrong as long as it's in good faith.
You know, the intentions are good.
However, if you are feeling neglected, if you're feeling like your friends aren't showing up for you like you show up for them, that is completely valid.
It doesn't necessarily mean that your friends are bad people.
It doesn't necessarily mean that... they're trying to hurt you or that they don't care about you.
It just might mean that they have a different sort of idea of what friendship means, you know?
You didn't mention how they show up for each other versus you.
Like if you were to say my friends show up for each other, but they don't show up for me, I would say get the fuck out of there.
And I wouldn't even elaborate.
I'd be like.
It's clear that there's an imbalance in the friendship and you can see that they behave how you want them to behave towards you, towards others.
And they're not behaving that way towards you naturally.
So fuck it.
But it's hard to tell, based on what you're saying, if this is just their nature as friends or if maybe they just don't feel as close to you and that's why they're not showing up for you in the way that you want them to.
But I'm not defending them, but rather actually hopefully comforting you in that I don't think this is always a sign that there's even something wrong with the friendship.
It might just be... a mismatch when it comes to friendship style, you know?
But you say that they don't show up for you when you really need them and you feel hurt.
There is nothing wrong with that.
You just aren't aligned.
You just don't have the same friendship style.
And there is nothing wrong with politely exiting the friendship and looking for people who are going to give you the energy that you give.
There's nothing wrong with that.
When it comes to your expectations for friendship.
I think it's important to have a healthy level of expectations.
And it's like, okay, well, what does that mean?
Like that's such an abstract concept.
I think it's crucial to have expectations in relationships to an extent.
Maybe I'd use the word standards.
I think it's incredibly important to have standards in relationships, because otherwise you'll be mistreated.
Like, duh.
I actually think I'm going to change my advice a little bit.
You don't necessarily need to cut these people off.
If you enjoy hanging out with them and you don't think that they are intentionally not showing up for you in a way that's unfair maybe it's just their friendship style stay friends with them.
But go out and search for people who are going to show up for you in the way that you need in a close friend.
You know what I mean?
Go out and search for that.
You don't need to cut these people off.
But if you're not getting what you need from them, go find it somewhere else.
And then you can enjoy your friendship with these people for what it is.
You know what I'm saying?
That's the wonderful thing about friendship is that you can get different things from different friendships right.
Like, maybe you have one friend that you love cooking with and you have another friend that you love hiking with.
And then you have another friend that you love gossiping with.
And then you have another friend who's always there for you when you need them.
And then you have another friend who you really just like seeing at work.
And then, you know, like that's, what's so wonderful about friendship versus romantic relationship.
If you're in a I mean, unless you're in a open relationship or whatever but if you're in a monogamous relationship um, you have to find somebody that checks a lot more boxes.
With friendship, you can have a bunch of random ass friends.
It doesn't matter.
So it's clear that they're not meeting your needs.
If you still want to hang out with them.
Sometimes you don't have to stop, but go make new friends that give you what you need.
And take advantage of the fact that in friendship, you can do that. right?
In romantic relationships, you really, if you're monogamous, you really can't.
And it's really, that's what makes dating so hard.
And that's what makes friendship so fun.
You can have as many friends as you want.
Broaden your horizon, you know, and go make some new friends that will show up for you in that way.
Oh my God, my friend Owen's calling me.
Owen is showing up for me.
Wait, I'm calling in three.
Man.
Okay.
Anyway, that's it for today's episode.
I hope you enjoyed it.
I enjoyed it.
I had fun with you all.
I hope that this advice was somewhat helpful.
As always, take it with a grain of salt.
Okay, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
If you enjoyed this episode.
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I'm on the internet at Emma Chamberlain and my coffee company is in the world and on the internet at Chamberlain Coffee.
I love you all.
I appreciate you all.
And I'll talk to you soon.
Like, what, in a few days?
Yeah, in a few days.
I'll talk to you soon.
I love you all.
Bye.
