Hi, welcome back to Eat Your Cress Podcast. I'm Crystal. I'm G-Soo. And I'm Tiffany.
Welcome back, Tiffy. It's been a while. Last time Tiffy was on the podcast with us was episode number 176,
the K-pop concert experience, which is a good listen. And also, I'm glad we recorded that because
all three of us are actually going to go to a K-pop concert together soon, which is pretty exciting.
We brought Tiffy on again today because we thought she would be the perfect guest to talk about
going through tough times, how we like to personally handle it, and also how to support
friends who are going through tough times as well. Tiffy is someone who consider a very good
role model as like an archetype of good friend, so I'm excited to talk through going through tough
times with her today. So let's kick this off by talking about our personal experiences.
Do you guys ever go through times in life that feel particularly tough, and what do you personally
like to do to feel better or get through these times? Well, I think it's a given that we probably
all go through some tough times, but I think for me, if it's kind of a big emotional event,
then I tend to retreat a bit and spend time processing it by myself for a bit before I start
reaching out to other people such as friends or family. I do this saying actually, if I'm going
through something tough, I'll typically like process it by myself first or spiral by myself first
and try to really like come to terms with the situation of what's going on before I reach out.
A lot of times I won't even reach out because I'll come to like a conclusion by myself after like
a couple of days thinking about it, or I'll reach out to like my partner who's always there,
it's easy to just like start the conversation with them or bring up like concern.
I think that's very relatable. There's a lot of vulnerability that comes with being able to even
talk about whatever you're going through with other people. I feel like there's a variety of
different reasons that causes tisely to it, right? Whether maybe we don't want to burden other people
or it might sometimes feel uncomfortable just talking about it at all. But I think for me,
if I look back on my past behavior, I've kind of changed over the years. Before I started living
with James, I would say I was the type of person to talk about my issues a lot with friends,
and I would seek constant advice about it, maybe not even advice, but I would just like enjoy
talking about what I was going through and saw it as almost like a currency or like token of
friendship. But I think now that I've started to live with James and have been doing so for the
last couple of years, I've noticed that I don't actually do that as much anymore. And when I'm going
through something, I really just process it mainly with James who is my partner. Do you feel like
you miss the support from friendship? Just because I'm imagining that if you process a lot of
this stuff with just James, then sometimes you're limited to just your two perspectives.
I think I do, but it's also a little bit different. So I guess the easiest way to put it is
when I was younger, especially in high school and college, I feel like my tough times were really
about the guy that I was seeing or like crushing after or you know, some sort of like drama that
I feel like is a little bit more fun to talk about and discuss with your friends. But now that we're
in our late 20s, I'm married now. I feel like the tough times that I go through now are significantly
less fun to talk about. So it's like, oh, I feel stressed out about work or maybe I miss my family
who live far or you know, I have concerns about X, Y and Z, which are like natural parts of being
your late 20s. I feel like these things aren't as fun. So like before, maybe my problems were
things that I was like, oh, this might be kind of entertaining for my friends. Like time to go
spill the tea or like talk about my guy problems and maybe it'll be funny. But now I'm like,
down, do I really want to trauma dump all my friends about how certain things in my life have been
really tough? So I think it's just that also has to do with why I share a little bit less now.
I think that makes a lot of sense. Like when you say trauma dumping on your friends,
I feel like also now we're a little more self-aware in the state we are life about expressing
ourselves or putting a lot of burden on a friend when you have to like talk about something because
you might put them in a difficult situation where it's uncomfortable for them or they feel stressed
for you because you're so stressed about the situation. And it's like a lot of emotions to put
on someone. So we're more like conscientious about what we say to people, I feel like. So it
makes it easier to just spill the tea to like your partner that you already live with because you don't
have to give context when you talk about things, right? Yeah, that's a good point. I feel like
sometimes sharing an emotional story or even just a story in general suddenly turns into this
giant like super long story time with friends where as you said, you have to give the background
context like why certain things are important, certain details are important in the story. But if
you have like a partner who's there all the time, then they have been building up this background
knowledge of context already. So it's easier to just like, oh my god, this happened. And they
already know everything, all the history and everything behind it. So Crystal, me and G-Soo both
live with our partners. How is it like for you in a relationship, but you don't actually live with
your partner so you don't see them every single day? I think with a partner who doesn't live with
me, I definitely don't have his time as readily available as you two might be able to have with
your partners. And I think because of that for sure, there's some context building that he doesn't
get to see or hear about since we're not together like all the time. But I do think over time as the
relationship grows and gets longer, there's definitely more of that. He gets to hear much more
detail about my life than probably the average friend, right? Just any minor conveniences or even
notable inconveniences, he'd probably be the first person to hear about it. So I think it's like
still in that process of building up the context and the history. But I don't know, I don't know what
it's like to have a partner who lives with you and like have them know so much about you literally
your day to day schedule and like everything so detailed. I think actually what you said about
not having his time readily available makes a lot of sense and that kind of connects to maybe
why we share less of what we're going through with our friends nowadays. It's like you only have
a very fixed amount of time in your week to like talk to friends or hang out with them and a lot of
your energy is being sucked into like maybe work or like the day-to-day life. So then how much of
that time that I have with my friends do I want to spend talking about certain things? I will say the
positive side about being able to share these things with my partner is you know sometimes these
tough times are like just a one day thing right? It's like oh I had a rough day-to-day that really
sucked this thing happened. I'm not feeling good. But I think there are other times where the tough
times are like longer. So when I'm going through like a period of time where for a couple of weeks
I just feel really down. I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to engage in anything. I'm
having maybe like a mini depressive episode or something. I feel like it's nice to have someone
consistently there to be able to support passively without me having to be like messaging someone like
hey I feel down today like next day hey I feel down today etc. It's a little bit less high maintenance
feeling as well. I think that makes a lot of sense. Another thought that just occurred to me is that
if I'm actively kind of like you're saying actively in a I don't know emotional episode or something
because I don't live with my partner that means I have to as you mentioned like kind of stop
in my day and like reach out to them. I have to stop everything text and be like oh my god like
this just happened. I'm so like annoyed or this is like really whatever versus I'm imagining if you
just live with them then you're going through this trouble and they're just there and you're like
dude this is so annoying like I can't believe this is happening. Right. Yeah and I feel like sometimes
when you live with them you talk about your day and everything it's as if they're going through
the experience with you in a sense but that takes us to another point where like we shouldn't
overburden our partner sometimes or instead of like trauma dumping as we like to call it on our
friends you do that to someone who's easier and more convenient like our partners so that's
something I actively try to think about. Yeah definitely a good point. Whenever there's like
gaps in my schedule where I'm unable to fit in there before a while I noticed the like trauma
dumping on James gets significantly worse and I'm always like maybe I should stop and look at
therapy session. Yeah that's true I think like therapy is a good tool here where you're able to
bounce ideas off of someone or just like thoughts and they can help you process. For me I think
it helps to vocalize my thoughts sometimes even if my therapist is just like cool like sounds great
good thoughts but it's just like you say it out loud and then you hear yourself saying it sometimes
or they're there to like validate you and be like yeah I can see why you're feeling that way
and I think that relieves a lot of maybe like personal guilt or stress or any of those feelings
attached to the worry of like over sharing with friends. Yeah definitely just having someone
validate your feelings that you feel sad or you feel upset about certain situation or circumstance
makes you feel like you're being supported even if they have nothing no like suggestions or opinion
solutions to solve your problem when someone says like oh yeah you can totally feel that way or
I hear you that's very upsetting I would feel just as upset as you are it just feels good for someone
to like verbally validate you you're not doubting yourself or feeling this way. I completely
agree and I think you can kind of feel that self-doubt leak into like storytelling sometimes too
right. Oftentimes when I experience something and I'm like dude I can't believe that just happened
to me like what the fuck and I go to my friend about it I find myself using like weird language
that kind of shields me from like oh you know maybe I'm crazy but blah blah like is that weird you
know like constantly trying to seek that validation which is why I think when you're getting it from
a friend it just feels so good because then you're really able to unleash these emotions and
these feelings that maybe you are kind of trying to evaluate were like normal or not so I think
it's so valuable to be able to sit down with a friend and like talk to them without having to do
all these weird negative self-caviots. Dude that's why I really like the kind of silly phrasing of
being like oh just me or ex whatever and then you know sometimes before like oh I totally feel
you but then sometimes it's just silent but then it gets a good laugh out of everyone and turns
what could have been a minor inconvenience into more of a lighthearted joke almost. Agreed and
I also try to be mindful of when a friend uses language like that so like crystal your example
is like a little bit more lighthearted but I think sometimes when friends talk about stories they're
going through they like seriously are like questioning themselves right. Just for that when I
identify language like that I try to be even more validating like no you're like completely right
like you're completely valid. You would have if it feels over the top sometimes I feel like it's
necessary. What if you're in a situation where you actually feel like your friend is not completely
right like if they're going through a situation they're having a tough time and what they're telling
you is a little questionable and you don't agree to them. How would you support them though as a
friend? Ooh that's tough. I think in the moment like if they're high emotions and you can tell
I will try to agree in the best way possible without lying so maybe if they said something
questionable I was kind of like brush over that part and be like that's like what I can think of
off the top of my head. I think I would do the same thing actually you would just try to brush off
some questionable words that they're saying pretend you like you don't cure it but you validate
that they're not feeling good about the situation they're in. You let them know that you're listening
and then you kind of just don't offer too much advice because you disagree with them and
what advice are you going to offer them? Yeah that's fair. Dude this is such a funny question though
because this is very tough right it's like I don't want to validate certain things but I also want
my friend to feel supported and I feel like when it's like a live conversation whether you're face to
face or like typing on messenger on the fly it's very hard to like find the perfect thing to say
without letting the conversation die out. You know like in person you don't want to just like sit
there in silence and like nod forever you have to eventually say something so I find myself
really struggling with this one. Maybe a good option is if it's not like super serious
if they say something kind of unhinged you'd be like okay wait let's not do that and like try
to read the conversation I feel like usually you know the tone of voice you use while still you
know showing that you've been supportive and going to continue to be supportive that will kind of
give a like comedic break in the midst of the conversation but I feel like that's definitely like
a read the room kind of situation. Can you crack that joke there or can you just have to like let it go?
Yeah I mean there's definitely no right or wrong answer it's just like I think it also depends
on the person you're talking to and how they react to you disagreeing with them but still trying
to be supportive as a friend or it's a person who just needs you to just listen and not provide any
type of like verbal support but just like your presence then you can just be silent and not agree
not have to agree with anything you disagree with but show them that you're still there and listening
to them and yeah fighting to come for it through the time right just depends on the person I feel
like ultimately. Yeah I think that's pretty accurate. Yeah and I think even when I think back on
times that I've gone through and say I'm in some sort of crazy situation I have like this hot
take that's a little bit of bad take. I've had friends just like that they're not and be like yeah
like you know and give like very general responses without necessarily validating what I'm saying
and I've also had friends say I don't know about that one like this one is a little bit weird but
I totally hear you on this other stuff and I think the way I received that kind of response
depended on my attitude at the time too like sometimes I'm more open to hearing someone disagree
with my takes but other times I might not be ready to hear that so I think it is totally a case by
case situation. Maybe another deflection you could say is we should think more on that or you know
something generic that's like not necessarily an agreement or disagreement but like at least you're
responding to them I guess. I feel like that can lead sort of like patronizing a little bit right?
It's like so hard to toe the balance because I think you can do it a funny way then you can do
it a serious way and then in between there's just like so many different responses you can use.
It's really hard. Agreed to disagree that response is a little weird.
Dude I feel like agree to disagree is it's valid right like the phrase itself is so valid but I'm
like when is it ever appropriate to like use that phrase? Like how I just did it.
Wait you know what I find how funny is like maybe this is a more common occurrence in like
group chats but when someone says something questionable a mislike a totally valid rant and everyone
like question mark reality or like emoji reaction like the red question mark is just so funny.
Oh my god yeah that's a good one. I think also like oh wait what? Wait what did you just say?
We're just gonna gloss over that. Yeah the worst is when you say something and everyone thinks it's
the hot take but no one reacts no response then you don't feel that support that you're searching for.
Speaking from personal experience. I think also if you're close enough friends it's maybe more often
that you're able to disagree a little or at least like call out hey that was a little weird that
you just said that but of course like if it's someone who is a little less close to you then it's
harder to like directly call out these things even if it's like in a funny way. This actually
kind of reminds me of something that my mom has always told me my whole life. Sometimes your
friend is going through something and then they have like a hot take but other times they're going
through something and then maybe their attitude towards life is a little angry or they're being more
snippy than usual or they're kind of essentially lashing out at others because of what circumstances
they're going through and my mom has always said something like you know if your friend is suddenly
acting like a little weird or maybe they're more emotional than usual or something in their attitude
or atmosphere is changing. Usually it's because they're going through something so just give them
grace and like give them patience and just try to understand your friend as they go through this
like even if they're not explicitly coming to you and being like hey at this problem. I feel
like that's so something you learn with experience you know like it's not an attitude I could have
imagined having in like my teenage years or something like that but I think it is very true.
Oftentimes people have hot takes because maybe they're feeling emotional or like they're feeling
really upset so I think recognizing that too is a part of being like a good and supportive friend.
Why is words from your mom? But I feel like that brings me to another question which is if you can
kind of tell that your friend is maybe going through something or acting up a bit recently
would you reach out to them and ask if they're doing okay? For me it depends on who the friend is
because for example some people like me for instance sometimes I'm acting a little weird or
I'm like going through something it's pretty obvious I'm like not in the mood. I don't prefer it
when people reach out in the really beginning unless I processed it myself like I mentioned earlier
and like kind of like understood the situation and what my next steps are
so if they'll reach out to me sometimes I just like won't respond because I don't really want to
talk about it or I have nothing to say about it or I just don't need that comfort that my friend
is offering so I think it depends on who or if it's like a friend I know that like when they're
going through things they like love the friendship they love like having a person they're supporting
them actively then obviously if I send something off I would reach out to them.
Yeah I feel like that approach makes a lot of sense like curating it to who your friend is
but I find it really hard to sometimes figure out like exactly what they want because even if it's
the same person depending on the time they might want something different but I think I tread a
little bit more cautiously about reaching out and asking people if they're like going through it
you know because I have done that more often in the past and I feel like it's a really sensitive
like thing to do I don't feel like I'm savvy enough to like navigate it properly so I feel like
what I find works the best is to like be supportive in a different way so maybe like help them feel
distracted and help them feel comfortable and like take them out to do things that I know they like
and then maybe towards the end of the day they'll feel more comfortable sharing. I think I'm similar to
you both where I also err on the side of caution and probably not reach out just in case you know
they're not the type of person to want to be reached out to yeah I guess like kind of what you're
saying earlier G-Soo that nowadays a lot of our problems and issues have evolved they're not
as simple as you know boy troubles back in the day so yeah sometimes like things that people are
going through are really sensitive so it feels almost intrusive to prod a bit to be the person
to reach out before they've shown that they're ready to be reached out to that makes sense
but yeah I think it can definitely be case by case as well though like if you have a close friend
that you're super comfortable with and like you really know their habits and like the kind of
way that they act then maybe reaching out to them is the move if you know that it won't offend them
or like set them off or anything of that sort and I think you can also do it in like a specific way
too I think reaching out and checking in on your friend is like a natural thing to want to do
but if your friend is not necessarily ready to open up and they give you like a very generic answer
like I'm doing fine like why do you ask then I think as a good friend you also can't be like
offended or if you'll put off by that too like you have to accept that maybe they're not ready to share
maybe like a good alternative is you could just ask them like hey you want to catch up over like
boba or like quick lunch or something maybe during that like face-to-face conversation
they might start to feel more comfortable and like share with you if they're going through something
I think even like if you hit them up for example you reach out but they're like oh no I'm fine
even uh oh I'm here if you want to talk or do you want to talk about it if not that's totally okay
it's like as easy as they can get when you reach out to someone but you're also respecting their
privacy and their own situations or whatever is going on kind of giving them the initiative
to decide whether they want to open up or let you know that they're going through something but
they don't really want to talk about it now and I'm just kind of thinking about like how I myself
operate when I'm going through something or whatever as I kind of mentioned earlier when I'm ready
I do reach out to friends sometimes and what I think is also interesting is all sometimes try
to reach out to friends who I know have gone through something similar because then I feel like
if I'm looking for advice in particular they could potentially provide good advice otherwise
I might just reach out to a friend to like have them listen and be like a comforting support
yeah actually thinking about it I do that same thing sometimes if you know a friend has like
gone through the same situation it's easy year to like reach out to them and talk to them about it
versus like maybe the person you typically would go to because they might have solutions that maybe
fit your situation well or just like things that like trial error to what they've done that didn't
work out so you kind of know like how to go forth yourself and it just feels a little more comforting
to know that someone has been in the same situation as you and you're not the only one who has to
go through like this tough time by yourself right and plus like it really depends on what is
causing the tough time but I feel like there are times where I'm like this problem that I'm dealing
with feels like slightly humiliating or like slightly embarrassing that I'm going through it and it
might feel more like dirty laundry kind of an area of problem and I think that is probably another
thing that I would feel more sensitive about sharing like I might not go to everyone who I usually
go to and I'll want to keep it a little bit more private and contained for sure I also actually
thought of another thing on the topic of like reaching out to particular friends I feel like Tiffy
is actually a great example because I remember vaguely when post college Tiffy is like in nursing
right but in our main friend group no one else is a nurse but Gisoo you have like a couple nursing
friends who you ended up referring to V2 and then they like chatted about job searching and I think
you guys ended up bonding a lot through that right Tiffy yeah actually yeah me and one of Gisoo's
friends actually appeared on another podcast a while back ago but I connected with that friend
through Gisoo because I was probably ranting to Gisoo about like having a hard time after college
job applications and how tough the industry was and she like connected me through her friend who
went through the same situation as me applying to like jobs in the same area same hospitals and
yeah it really helped me out a lot I did feel very supportive at the time yeah perfect example
crystal yeah so I feel like that's definitely another good like option to have if you have someone
to connect a friend to and like help them through certain issues that you know like you yourself
are not totally equipped to help only of course if that other friend is like looking for that kind
of help yeah I feel like that's always kind of like the instinct to of like how do I support this
friend who is coming to me who is going through something but it's also something that I find as
such a double edge sword because my go-to is always like oh how do I shower this friend with like
advice and like set them up for success but sometimes they don't come to you necessarily
seeking that so how do you guys navigate avoiding saying certain taboos while still helping your
friend feel supported in the best way possible yeah this is actually something I still struggle with
and I'm trying to get better every day but in the past I used to always tell my friends like oh
don't worry oh don't worry about it oh don't worry it's fine because it's just like first natural
instinct for me to just try to they can feel better when they're upset so I just say don't worry
without really thinking but I've gone feedback from a friend before in the past where she mentioned
that like I really didn't feel encouraging at all when I said that and it felt like I was just saying
it to say it and I didn't realize I had come off in that way and like the number of times I might
have come off like that way to other people by doing the same thing so that's something I actively
try to avoid saying is like the phrase like oh don't worry or it's okay just like very general
things that you naturally say without thinking I try to put more thought into it before saying that
and sometimes I'll like catch myself almost saying it and I'll kind of shut up real fast
yeah kind of on a similar vein I think I tend to say stuff like oh at least this didn't happen
or at least you know you still have this you know along those kinds of lines and when you really
think about it it's like this is really helping the situation like it doesn't mean that the situation
didn't happen even though it's like try to look on the bright side what we're dealing with in the
moment is like someone's feelings so that has definitely been a phrase that I try to avoid but I
mean same thing it's like it's so hard and I'm also actively working on it you just instinctively
want to say all these things dude I totally relate to both of you I think it's because like at
least when we were growing up the idea of like comforting a friend was very much centered around
like cheering them up I don't want my friend to be sad so how do I make them feel happy again
but I feel like at least nowadays we know the importance of like helping friends feel validated
and supported and like heard so then I think it makes sense that we're like trying to unlearn
the stuff from our childhood maybe but for me I think I'm cursed with two different maybe curses
so the first maybe curse is the maybe you should or like maybe you should do this always trying to
suggest something which the intention is good right it's like trying to help out in a way that I
know of but I feel like for a lot of people that's like the last thing that they want to hear
and then my other maybe curse is maybe it's because and then I like go into the psycho analysis
which I feel like is also destructive because sometimes it can be like fun but for someone who is
actively going through it I feel like the last thing you want to do is add even more avenues of
overthinking to their plate so recently I was like I should probably stop it like this is not
productive for them or for me yeah those are good ones and I definitely struggle with the like
maybe you should do this do that thing for sure one thing that kind of helped me with that particular
one is I tried to reflect on like what I would prefer in terms of supporting behavior
and since I'm the type to kind of think through things first and like process stuff honestly once
I reach out to friends I've probably thought out most of these you know potential avenues so when
someone says that to me like oh maybe you should try this maybe you should do that in my mind I'm
kind of like okay but I already thought about that so like I appreciate the like effort here but
like I've already thought about that and that's not what I'm looking for right now so kind of
reflecting about that helped me I don't know I guess like find even more reason to not say these
things but I mean it's still an active effort they definitely slip in there here and there
I know it's so hard to stop saying it I feel like another thing that I've had to learn which I
don't think I fully learned yet but I'm trying is I think it's easy for me when a friend starts to
open up about tough times to think how can I be a supportive friend to this person but I found that
sometimes that puts too much emphasis on me and how I'm acting and maybe the question is more so
how does this friend want to be supported which I feel like is more similar to what Tiffy was
kind of talking about earlier and even just like a simple switch of like the language the internal
language that I'm using when I'm thinking through these situations might be able to help me
better support this friend versus like oh what should I a supportive friend be doing
hmm hmm hmm that's a good one actually because I feel like in the situation where I'm supporting a
friend and they're like spilling the tea on everything sometimes I'll sit there I'm listening
but I want to show that I'm listening and it's kind of hard to like showcase it to them how much
you're trying to like be there for them so then you start thinking like how do I be a better friend
or how do I look like a more supportive friend or how do I show them I am actively listening and
it becomes about like me versus like me really just being there and wanting to like be that support
for them but it's hard it's something that I feel like as humans and as adults or like young adults
it's something we need to like actively practice and we will develop as we get older through time
like no one is like the best at comforting someone like it's hard to have that as like a skill
to really be like that friend that people say like oh she really makes me feel heard or she
makes me feel better it's hard it's really hard agreed I feel like because everyone is so different
in the way that they want to be comforted so it's like extremely hard to be you know the perfect
comforter dude I keep thinking about like blanket because we were saying comforter I definitely
thought about blankets on the computer but I think whether you guys bring up good points like
even just based on this conversation there's so many different things that we've learned over
the years through our friendships on how to be a support to someone who's close to us it also
makes me think like you know when I go to my friends and I'm like hey I've been really going
through something or like I have this issue or I can't stop thinking about xy and z I'm not sitting
there like evaluating their performance as a friend on a scale of like 8F right like I feel
like at the end of the day anytime I have a conversation with a close friend and I open up I walk
away from that conversation feeling supported and I think a lot of that is obviously because
my friends are putting in the work and putting in the effort to try to be there for me in a way
that's maybe catered to myself but I think a lot of it too is like even just having that conversation
and even just the fact that you're a friend someone is feeling comfortable enough to go to to
have conversations like this means that you're a support already so maybe at the end of the day like
while we consider these things on how to be supportive we don't necessarily have to feel too much
pressure on being like the perfect friend right and we've talked a lot about what you should maybe
avoid when you're trying to show the support to friends do you all have any tips that have been
working for you when you're trying to show support for your friends I guess I'll start I feel like
reacting in a really exaggerated manner of reflecting the emotion that they are showing me
helps sometimes so maybe if the person is complaining like oh my god like this driver was so rude
today and like cut me off I'd be like dude that sucks like I can't believe they cut you off so
dangerously like oh my god that's you know so ingering and I feel like that can really validate
them they're like oh my god yeah I told the story and this person is feeling the same like
angry emotion that I am so I think that I have found to work well sometimes yeah that's actually
a good one I've noticed that sometimes when I'm like talking to crystal and I'm like stressed
about something she does that actually the exaggerated like support reaction because I can respond
back like I know right it's it's so upsetting she's like yeah exactly it just feels like very
supportive because it feels like someone understands you and it's like what I feel it's like normal
what my what I'm feeling at the time it's like completely normal because she also thinks it's
the ridiculous like thing that happened to me thanks for being a good friend that's true actually
I think I've noticed that too and it's so validating and comforting because the energy levels are
like the same so I don't feel like I'm burdening because crystal matches the energy and I'm like oh
my god nice like then you can almost conclude the emotion quicker because you're like oh I've
fulfilled this entire emotion of anger or stress or whatever yeah I think I've noticed it because
I've definitely even seen myself where I've reacted in a more like calm way because you know
and typically I'm very like quiet or like monotonous almost and then it just feels like not satisfying
right for the other person it's like oh this like didn't even affect her is it like even valid
so I think one thing that I've realized is a good strategy lately is not necessarily something
that I always remember to practice with my friends but it's something that my friend told me when
I was venting about something I've been going through I was talking with my close friend telling
her about this tough time I've been experiencing and really the crux of the issue was that I was
feeling all these emotions about a situation and I felt like they weren't valid emotions like I was
like I know it's crazy for me to feel this but I like feel all these things and then she essentially
told me no it's not crazy for you to feel this and here's why I've experienced something similar
or you know I know someone who has gone through something similar so don't feel like you're crazy
and I think instead of trying to be like yeah this isn't rational and trying to like
intellectualize every single emotion that I had she told me that I should just be feeling and
like consuming all of my feelings that way the moment can pass kind of quicker and it's also
you know you're not trying to backtrack on things that your body is telling you or like that your
heart is telling you and I feel like it was just such a simple tip but I really felt like she
understood me and that in itself was like everything you know it like felt like it took weeks off
of my shoulders basically yeah I like that I could totally see how that can be very helpful and it
kind of all plays into what we were talking about earlier just like validating the person's emotions
and feelings I think one way a friend has shown me a lot of support when I was going through a
tough time was just letting me know that they were there with me I was pretty upset at whatever
was going on and I was just like spilling like I could not shut up I was just going on and on
and on and I was going in circles again and then one thing that she just said like out of nowhere
just like just that felt really comforting to me was like I'm here for you I'll always be here
for you and it just feels like they don't have to have gone through the same situation they don't
even really have to understand it but the fact that she says she's there for me and she's going
to continue to be there for me just feels like someone's got your back no matter what and that
also feels really good even if they can't understand the situation they'll never understand the
situation or they'll never be placed in that type of situation it just feels like you have the
support whether it's like through messenger or in person I feel like that's a very good line
that has made me feel very comforted I like that one I feel like it it's also one of those things
that's very simple but the strength of the message is there yeah and I think what you said too
about sort of like the actions of your friend just hearing you out on everything also reminds me
that sometimes it's not even about the words it's about whether you show up for your friends it's
about how much you're there when your friend needs them so not all of the weight is like in the
exact vocabulary that we choose you know I actually had a thought here after we all shared things
that we felt have been helpful to ourselves or to our friends and I think that we actually don't
communicate that much about how we like to be supported and we did mention earlier in the
episode that oftentimes we'll go to our partners for that support and I realize that it's because
we talked to our partners about how we'd like to be supported and I mean like the only time where
we talked about a friend sharing how they like to be supported was Tiffy's friend who shared the
feedback about like you know actually when you say don't worry it's like not as effective
so maybe like the moral of the story here is we should try to normalize sharing like how we like to
be supported with our friends of course not during our like high emotion times but just like
in our more regular like day to day lives and I feel like that could overall probably improve a lot
of the support that we receive and give because then we have a better idea of like oh this friend
likes to be supported this way that friend likes to be supported that way
hmm that's a really good point actually I think that also reminds me of how the calibration
work could also be done in a different way as well so like I think one of the things that
I've experienced is if I'm going through something and I need a specific type of response
right whether it's high emotional like matching energy or it's actual real advice or maybe it's
someone who can give me firm words or you know etc etc like I feel like I cater who I go to and
who I share the story with based on what kind of response that might help me the most as well
so then I think like you said open communication with your friends but like you know I think I
prefer this kind of response more it could also work and I think additionally just knowing that
maybe your friend is coming to you for a specific response to might help alleviate the pressure
a bit as well for sure and and I'm really glad we spent time today to talk about this topic I think
we kind of don't talk about it enough maybe and everyone goes through tough times as we said
so it's always nice to know that you know our friends are there and we can try to be our best
supportive selves for our friends as well so thank you tivy for joining us and for our listeners
out there if you have any tips on being a supportive friend feel free to reach out to us
we have Instagram at eat your crust pod and we also have email eat your crust pod at gmail.com
and if you'd like to catch our other episodes then don't forget to follow us on Spotify,
Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts we upload new episodes every Wednesday morning
thanks for listening and don't forget to eat your crust
