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Thanks for joining me today.
I'm going to get right into a subject that came up today, the day I'm recording, which is Saturday, I am recording the day before this actually airs.
So it is Saturday, the 24th of August, 2024.
And I don't normally do this.
I don't normally have such a quick turnaround on a message I received, but you sent it to me right when I hit record. Right when I was hitting record, this person sent me this message.
I said, you know, I'll talk about this.
Okay, I'll address it.
I'll give you my insights and opinions on what's going on.
and this person wrote, can you recommend an episode to help me stop obsessing over something I have no control over?
I've talked about obsession probably a good three times in the last 10 years because it is one of the most difficult thought processes to get over.
It's one of the most insanely difficult things to get over and to stop doing.
when you're obsessive, you're you can't stop thinking about it, and no matter what anybody says to you nothing changes.
They can say, well look at it this way and nothing changes.
Well, they're gonna find somebody new and you're gonna find somebody new and everyone's gonna be happy at the end.
Doesn't change, doesn't matter.
If it's a breakup then you're going through the there are social media and trying to see if they're happy now or if they're sad and maybe if they're sad you can feel better because maybe they're sad about you and maybe that gives you the possibility of reconciling with them and getting back together and this is how obsession works it just continues to flood your mind with hope and anger and sometimes regret.
Obsessive thoughts just continue to permeate your mind and they never stop and most people can't help you stop them.
I mean therapy sure, maybe a friend or someone in your family can say that one thing that changes everything, or maybe you'll listen to my show and you'll hear something that does finally stop the obsessive thoughts and I had to really consider, I don't think this episode is gonna be about obsession today, but I wanted to address this question.
I had to really consider what it takes to overcome obsession.
It took me months to figure out many years ago and I've been through it myself.
I used to I sort of still do but I used to have an obsessive personality, not a disorder, but I used to have the obsessive personality where if something happened that I didn't want to happen, I would obsess about it and I would want it to be different and I would just hope that things changed to the way I wanted them to be and it just took up so much damn time.
It takes up so much matter in your brain.
It just takes up all your energy.
You can't think straight.
It is very difficult and it almost feels hormonal.
I mean it feels like you can't control it and you know when your hormones are going crazy I mean this can lead to excessive personality disorders and bipolar and things like that.
I'm not a medical experts so don't trust me on that read it yourself but it feels hormonal in that sense it feels like a chemical reaction and when it happens you just can't stop it it's just like there are even practices like mantras and affirmations and things like that and you try them and you try them and then suddenly your thoughts are back there so one of the obsessive episodes I had was when I was in my early 30s, I think, and I'd just gone through a major breakup, romantic relationship.
And I was completely obsessed.
I wanted to know where she was, what she was doing, and I don't think social media was around back then, but I would drive by her work, I would leave a message on her car, and she didn't wanna get back together with me.
She didn't want anything to do with me in that sense.
And she, she was done and my brain wasn't done.
That's sort of like part of obsession.
Your brain's not done.
You may be done in real life things.
Like you can't do that anymore.
Or you can't change that, but your brain is still on it.
Your brain wants to either solve the mystery or fix the problem.
And so you just continue to rehash these things in your mind and process them a different way and think about how you could have done things differently or how you should have done things differently and it just goes on and on.
So I finally ended my obsession about my ex by realizing a few things about obsessions and realizing how to stop them.
At least these things worked for me and my suggestion is anybody if you are dealing with obsessive thoughts, go to the overwhelmedbrain .com forward slash podcasts.
My podcast page has a search field at the top.
Just type in the word obsess.
And when you type that in, you're gonna see about, oh, I guess there's five episodes.
So I I've had about a few episodes where I talked about obsession and go through the titles and check them out because they're going to be very helpful, and I'm not going to dive into obsession today.
It is a very difficult topic, but I will say this, the way I stopped my obsessing and, uh, I get into detail in those episodes, the way I stopped.
Was taking out every single thought that change was possible.
That doesn't sound easy at all.
I know but what I was doing back then was I was stuck on hope.
I hope that we can get back together and so I decided that, I think I asked myself the question what if that wasn't true and she never wanted to see me again.
What if I knew that and this is part of this solution for me was what if I knew for a fact that she would never ever want to see me again and want to be with me again what if I knew for a fact that we would never get back together again?
I think that's what really solidified it when I said what if I knew for a fact and that really started making my brain do different things instead of what it was doing.
Because I didn't want to go there.
When we're in obsessive thinking we don't want to go into a place of well if that's not possible, then oh I don't want to go there.
We don't even want to introduce that thought at all, but when we introduce that thought, our brain has an opportunity to get off the, what do they call it, the hamster wheel and into a better logical thinking place, because when you're on the hamster wheel, you're going round and round and round just like those obsessive thoughts.
They continue going round and round and around in your head, they never stop.
So how do you get off the hamster wheel?
Either somebody is gonna have to stop it for you which we already know is difficult.
Very hard to have somebody come along and say something or do something that changes that for you.
So anything external very difficult to stop your obsessive thoughts.
So it has to be internal.
If it's not external, it has to be internal.
Internal means you have to think something differently on your own.
you have to ask yourself a question like this you have to introduce a new thought a New idea a new concept into that hamster wheel And so if somebody or something interrupts that circular thought process that you're having Then there's a chance that the obsessive thinking will stop if you can't interrupt it There's almost no reason like the brain doesn't have a good reason to stop obsessing because it believes there there's a chance that something will change that's what our brain does it stays in possibility mode there's a possibility that something will change so I'm going to continue thinking
about it and trying to rework this in my brain let's throw an obstacle in this path let's do a pattern interrupt because this pattern is wearing a rut and it's wearing you about my pattern interrupt is, if I knew for a fact that this would never ever change, what would I do differently?
What would I say, how would I think?
I mean you fill in that question at the end.
But if you knew for a fact that this would never ever change, what would you do then?
This may not be the solution for the person who wrote, I haven't even finished their question yet, but I wanted to address this before I read her question because this can work with many areas of life.
It has helped me make decisions.
It has helped me move on just asking the question what if I knew for a fact blank?
What if I knew for a fact this?
And then the second part of that is you have to accept that as fact.
if you accept it as fact you have no choice but to make a decision based on that fact not on hope or prayer and I'm not putting down religious beliefs or spiritual beliefs I'm saying that when you're you're stuck in this rut and you don't know what decision to make or you can't get out of out of obsessive thinking you're not stuck on hope or prayer or wishing and you're not stuck on possibility anymore now you have the facts because you just created them what What if I knew for a fact that, what if I knew for a fact that they were never coming back?
What would I do then?
And I'm not saying this is going to be easy because obsessive thinking usually is a coping mechanism to keep us safe from negative thinking, at least, it's one part of it.
When you think about something obsessively, you are doing your best, or your brain is doing its best to keep you away from negative thinking.
For me negative thinking might have been, she'll never come back, that's awful, I don't want to think that way because it feels too bad, and if I feel too bad I won't be happy.
If I'm not happy then what's the point, here I am living my life unhappy so if I obsess it brings hope, it brings possibility.
Let's get rid of that.
Not saying you shouldn't do this without somebody guiding you there might be professional help that's needed here so just be aware that some of the stuff that I'm talking about my disclaimer is you might need professional assistance here because you might think of something so awful like what if you lost a child they're not coming back how can I even think that way it's very difficult it's very difficult if you've lost a child that's one of the worst maybe the worst pain imaginable and I'm so sorry.
And even people who have lost people they've loved like that, spouses, partners, when you lose them the pain is so intense and you have to go through your grieving but you do get to a point where you have to accept that they're gone and that gives you the opportunity to move on and sometimes it's difficult to move on because that means you have accepted that they're gone and that's a huge challenge, but I like to go a little spiritual and say, well you know if I lost somebody I loved you know let's just say they died, they would want me to move on, they would want me to enjoy life and that's how
I see death and there are some important people in my life as I get older I know they're gonna die and it's gonna be so hard, but that's that's my thinking.
I'm preparing for that and it will be difficult and I don't mean It's always about losing someone you love or a breakup or anything like that Because obsessive thoughts can be about anything and when I'm about to read you is about something else I've already gone what 13 minutes into this show and I told you it wasn't about obsession But here I am talking about obsession.
So we'll see where this the rest of this episode goes but the most important concept about obsessive thinking and obsessive thoughts is that when you leave room for changing your mind or figuring out a different way to think about it when you leave that room for possibility for a different story regret does that regret gives us a different story like all right should have done something different that's a different story your story is no you did that?
You did that or you made that decision?
Or you didn't do that and you should have done something else but you didn't so here we are.
Today. Present moment.
This is here and now.
This is why I like the question what if I knew for a fact or what if I believed without a doubt if you want to reword it that way.
What if I had no choice but to accept what has happened?
I have no choice. In fact, I can't leave this room until I accept that this is the way it will be forever.
If that's scary, that's good because you probably haven't been scared enough to change this thinking.
We hate to be scared.
I mean, a lot of us hate to be scared.
about the bad things happening in our life or the bad things that won't stop happening in our life so we never want to visit that in our brain we never want to go there so we avoid it how do we avoid it we obsess sometimes this is what happens if we are avoiding something we don't want to accept or realize we avoid it I don't want to deal with it I don't want to believe it.
I don't want to accept that I made that decision, or I didn't make that decision.
I don't want to accept the decisions that caused all these problems, or hurt people, or hurt myself.
So I'm going to avoid it.
It's a an unhealthy coping mechanism.
Because you can't cope by obsessing.
It's like I'm trying to lose weight by eating nothing but donuts.
I love donuts, which is why I never eat them.
Donuts are so delicious and I choose not to eat them because I know if I eat them I'm gonna want more.
Don't bring me ice cream, don't bring it home because I know the entire thing that night and I'm pretty good at self regulation, self -control.
I can look at a cake and say I pass but for some reason there are certain foods when they're in my proximity they're gone.
So I try not to buy them.
I try not to go near them.
And when it happens, I just, you know, I indulge.
So let's just move on from that.
Let me read you what this person wrote.
I'm gonna change my screen here.
There it is. Person said, okay, I'll start over.
Can you recommend an episode to help me stop obsessing over something I have no control over?
Told you how to find those episodes.
I'm speaking about divorce and my ex's manipulation that resulted in me paying a huge sum in child support while she is deliberately underemployed so she can collect.
It's a long story, but I have no control over this.
I can't change it. Friends can't help me change it.
I'm suffering financially.
My life is very different financially because of this.
Often it's the deadbeat dad that people think of, but for me it's my ex not seeking appropriate employment that has me bearing the burden of financially supporting our kids.
I'm so fixated on it.
I wake up and go to bed thinking about it.
It controls my mood.
It's all I talk about.
It's occupying such a negative constant spot in my brain and I'm angry.
And I feel like I've lost myself because of it.
Thank you. I stumbled upon your podcast while in a dire emotional state, and it's been very helpful.
You are in a dire emotional state right now.
Thank you for sharing that.
I'm so sorry you're going through it.
So let me give you, um, let me give you my first thought, and it's not going to be a pleasant one.
you might even be upset.
So what? So what? All this happened?
So what? That's not my answer and it's very cruel I know.
All I wanted to do is interrupt your pattern for a moment and I'm going to approach this with love and respect for your situation and for you of course I don't mean so what?
But what I wanted to do was shift the gears in your brain throw that obstacle on the hamster wheel for a moment and Just get you on a different track now.
It may not have taken you off the hamster wheel but I just wanted to do that small pattern interrupt and Please forgive me But I wanted to shift your brain a little bit.
So what it happened move on Again, not from my heart That is a a pattern interrupt, an analytical process that I want to take you through just to have you feel it.
Have you try it on.
Sense what it's like because the way you've been thinking doesn't include that or maybe it does.
Maybe you've told yourself, well, so why don't they just move on?
But maybe you needed to hear from somebody else like me.
Maybe you have some confidence in my thoughts, in my opinions, and if that's the case.
so what? All right, I'll stop because it's not nice.
I'm not being nice to you, and I'm doing it, though, for the purpose of helping you get past this.
So there's a little pattern interrupt in there to help shift you out of this line of thinking just for a moment and then try on something else.
That something else is a reframe.
People do this all the time.
well, why don't you look at it this way?
Well let me give you a different perspective.
This is exactly what I was talking about earlier.
Most people, probably anyone you know, probably can't come up to you and say, well, you know, why is it such a big deal?
You know, just get over it.
There are other things to worry about in life.
Just get over it. That's not what I mean by this reframe.
My reframe, is what if I told you that even if she stayed underemployed And made no changes for the rest of her life Now this is one of those what if you knew for a fact and what if nothing ever changes?
what if I told you if she stayed underemployed for the rest of her life, but your kids Ended up being Healthy responsible teenagers and adults and grew up with a pretty good outlook on life What if I told you that your kids turned out pretty okay, even though you had this situation?
This isn't my solution.
This is just a reframe.
Your children, because they have a roof over their head, because they're being fed, regardless of what she chooses to do with her life, that your children turned out pretty darn cool, pretty darn okay, pretty darn healthy.
Now, they may be going through some situation right now, if you say this person is manipulative, they may have to deal with that too.
But what if they grow up and they figure life out, and they're able to succeed in areas of life that sometimes are a challenge, relationships, jobs, things like that.
To me, that's a pretty good reframe.
No matter how much I don't like this situation, my kids turned out okay, because this is really about them, even though I'm sending all this money to somebody who is definitely taking advantage of that, but my kids turned out okay, and if that's what happens, then can I be okay with that?
Second thought about this, second reframe is what if this situation changed?
She became regularly employed and my kids didn't turn out okay.
What if they had less of a motherly figure or mom at home and something happened because of that?
They felt neglected or worse.
If they feel like they don't have the support they need because of something like that.
Now that's not going to get you off this hamster wheel, but I'm throwing in a couple of reframes.
And one of the reasons I brought up that particular reframe is because I've watched a lot of Judge Judy.
She's been on for decades now, and sometimes I walk around the house with her in my ear because I really appreciate the psychology of the people.
I like to figure out who's lying and who's not and I like to listen to aspects of the law that she teaches and I especially like that she was in the family court system for I don't know a ten or twenty maybe thirty years I don't know she was doing family court for a long time so family matters always comes up and her words about family and especially children her priority is the children so if the adults are fighting she prioritizes the children she focuses on the children so if you have one parent on one side and another parents on the other side and then you have a mother -in -law on one side
and a father -in -law on the other side or whatever and there's a split family in the court the children she realizes are going to suffer the children will suffer because now you're in court creating more divide, more separation, and the children are wondering if they're going to see grandma again.
And she realizes this.
Judge Judy will say, you know, why are you doing this?
Because the more you say right now in court, is either going to make this other part of your family distance themselves more, or maybe you can work something out.
But she sees this over and over again, I've listened to, I don't know, hundreds of cases with family, and every time there's children involved her priority is keeping the family at at least a level of communication.
Because the children end up suffering.
The children do not get to see grandma or grandpa and the grandparents don't get to see the children which is important to a lot of grandparents.
And so I see the situation unfold a lot on her show.
And sometimes they'll you know family will bring in these petty things.
You owe me $500 and you've owed it to me for three years.
I'm still mad at you and I'm gonna sue you and things like that.
You know I know five hundred dollars is important to a lot of people but now we have the children involved and the children are wondering if they're ever gonna see other parts of their family again and And that's where the judge really prioritizes and wants to make things right.
She can't always do it.
In fact, most of the time, the families will never agree to disagree and they'll never mend things.
And so the children end up not seeing the people.
And I'm not throwing this back on the person who wrote, I'm not saying that at all.
I'm saying that that's why I gave you those reframes.
Those reframes can help reprioritize things in your mind.
And maybe it doesn't maybe what I just said doesn't do that for you But if I were obsessing about I don't have any children But if I had children if I were obsessing about my ex having my children and my ex is not working or you know Underworking and doesn't make as much money and I'm spending all this money sending it to her I would want to reframe it in a way that says it's not for her.
It's for my children that's where I go with that it's not for her it's for my children yeah but Paul she's buying a new car every other year and she goes out to eat a lot and you know I'm sure that was what you feel in the person who wrote I'm sure that's what she feels but I can't think like that otherwise I'll be obsessive so what I end up doing is saying you know I'm sending money to my children at least They're getting fed at least they're in a house.
They're safe. They're warm.
They're not out on the street This is what I'm putting my money toward no matter how it's being spent No matter what is happening on that side as long as my children are taken care of So that's part of my reframe and again, I'm not saying that's a solution But I have to introduce these concepts into my mind Otherwise, I'll never get off the obsession hamster wheel, and I don't want to stay on that wheel So that is the direction that I would go in my mind if I were you.
Now that's not the only direction.
The other direction I would take, and this may not be a very pleasant thought, but at least I know it's not forever.
At least I know that, hey, you're going to live the way you live now, and I'm talking about my ex. You're going to live the way you live now on my money.
But it's not going to last. So let's say your kid is two, that's only 16 years until they're 18, so it's not gonna last. You know, if I was giving money away that's only 16 years of my life.
16 years of my life have passed and I've moved on from that point so whatever you're doing now take advantage of it because it's not gonna last. And you're gonna have to find, and it's gonna be hard for them because if they don't want to work.
I tell you what, when you haven't worked in a long time, you don't want to work and it might be very difficult for her to transition into a job, into a career because she has been so lucky to have your financial help throughout the years and don't get me wrong.
There are people, I'm gonna clear this up right now before anybody writes to me, there are people that absolutely deserve the financial help.
There are people out there, you know, you break up, you get a divorce, and you need the money to help raise the children.
And there are circumstances where the money is absolutely necessary, even if that person isn't working or underemployed.
So I just want to give that shout out.
Kudos to those people who are doing their best, and do need the money!
I don't know what your situation is, if she really does need the money, if she can't work for any particular reason but I don't want to invalidate or minimize or put down anyone that might be in a similar position to your ex but there are legitimate reasons.
So, I'm just going off your message the person who wrote and assuming that there isn't a legitimate reason and that she just wants to stay underemployed just to stick it to you or whatever and I can't substantiate or validate that she is doing that for that particular reason.
I just want to help do you get off that obsessive hamster wheel?
This whole episode, yes.
It's about obsession.
I decided that that's what I'm talking about today because I'm already half an hour in, so I wanna give you something to work with.
The good thing about this is I've had a few years to think about obsessive thoughts and obsessive thinking and other ways to help you visualize what it's like and help you visualize how to get out of it.
And so I'm glad you asked this question because revisiting this is something important because any one of us can have an obsessive thought and not get off that wheel.
And that can certainly hinder progress in our life.
It just takes away from life.
And so I want to conclude this episode which really went a direction I didn't expect with two thoughts.
One of them is self forgiveness.
I'm not worried about forgiving anyone else, honestly.
You can forgive other people for sure, if you want.
I worry about self -forgiveness, well I don't worry about it, but I endorse it.
I endorse self -forgiveness in the sense that, and this is a very specific way to self -forgive, in the sense that you forgive yourself for who you were and the decisions you made back then.
I sometimes like to say it with the word forgive, like I forgive myself a break for who I was back then and the decisions I made, because sometimes obsessive thinking has almost everything to do with regret.
I should have done this, I should have done that.
Why didn't I do this?
Why didn't I say that at the time.
We create this repeating thought process in our brain and these repeating questions and those repeating questions they make that rut and then we get on that hamster wheel and we keep repeating the same things over and over again, why didn't I do that?
Why didn't I recognize that she was trying to manipulate me?
Why didn't I catch that?
Well you got to get to a point, and today is that point where you tell yourself I forgive you and I go one further I forgive myself a break because I didn't know then what I know now I didn't see what I saw then or even if I did I wasn't prepared to handle it the way I am today I didn't have the resources that I have now.
I didn't have all the facts that I have now.
And now that I have them, this is why I'm obsessing.
But I didn't have them back then, because if I did, if I had the resources, if I had the facts, if I had the ability to make a different decision, I would have. But I didn't.
And so I am maybe angry at myself maybe I'm beating myself up emotionally so I need to forgive myself if I were in your shoes if I were you I would say Paul I forgive you it's okay don't worry you were a different person back then I'm not upset with you anymore you didn't know what you didn't know you got screwed you made a bad decision and and here we are.
So what? You made a bad decision.
Going right back to so what?
I worked that in there on purpose, I planted that little seed.
You made a bad decision, so what?
Move on. It's okay.
You didn't know what you didn't know.
There's no way you could have known what was gonna happen.
And then I'll probably try to talk myself out of it.
Yeah, but I should have known, but you didn't, you didn't.
There's nothing you can do about it.
What has happened has happened.
It is in the past and you have no choice.
Right now you have no choice but to move forward and in order to do that I need to make sure that you don't stay angry with yourself.
That's why I forgive myself a break for how I showed up back then.
You know, there was nothing I could do because I wasn't that person.
I am that person now, and now that I am that person, what do I do?
I develop regret. So I introduce my regret into a past that didn't have the abilities and the resources that I have today.
You're changing history.
Literally! You are saying, now that I know, I should have acted differently back then.
But you didn't know.
you couldn't have known you are gonna make mistakes you have made mistakes you are going to continue making mistakes hopefully fewer and fewer as you go forward but that's what happens when you don't have all the data all the resources and the ability to see everything see all angles you don't have that information until you have that information and now that you have that information it's not your fault just how it was back then now I can look into my past self and say hey I forgive you it's okay you messed up let's move forward let's just make this work let's make our life work because there's
nothing we can do about that past it's time it's time to move forward and I'll give you another reason I gave you that so what comment or question because if and when the intrusive thoughts come back, those two words can interrupt the pattern.
So if you find yourself thinking you know I'm doing okay but all right I still think about that moment I still think about what she said and what she did and how I should have been smarter, then you tell yourself so what?
You know what it happened.
There's nothing I can do about it now, so what?
Move on. There's actually a lesson I do in the healed being program that I run for people that are or doing emotional abuse of behavior and wanna change, the lesson is called Scold Yourself.
Sometimes you have to scold yourself.
Why are you being so selfish?
You're a jerk. Not you.
I'm saying that if you've been hurtful, I'm talking about emotional abuse with people out there.
If you've been hurtful to someone that you're supposed to be caring and supportive and generous toward, and you've been trying to break your own patterns, scolding yourself can be one way to do it.
I used to do this to myself.
I would even say, Paul why are you being such a jerk?
I would say that as an authority in my own head, Paul why are you being such an a -hole?
Why are you being so awful?
And that has been known to break my old patterns of my hurtful and abuse of behavior from my past. I had to develop some thought -stopping inner dialogue so that I could break my own patterns.
And that's what it takes sometimes.
I mean what doesn't work for me and a lot of other people that I've talked with are positive affirmations.
There are some positive affirmations that simply they put me into a state of denial they put me into a state of resistance.
I am so smart! I am so attractive!
I am a worthy person!
I am lovable! I am all for what works!
But if you are trying to do positive affirmations and they're not working, you've got to change it up.
If the positive affirmations aren't filling your head with all the good stuff, and getting rid of the bad stuff, and not covering the bad stuff like the bad stuff still in there then you might want to change it up and this is why I introduce different concepts like this like the so what concept or the scold yourself concept and it won't work for everyone I want you to do what works if you scold yourself or say so what and it doesn't feel good at all or it doesn't stop the bad thoughts or it doesn't stop your obsession don't do it my goal is to do what works I remember I I used to have introductions
to this show that say, if positive affirmations feel like denial, then here's the show.
And now, I don't really say that anymore, but it's still true for me.
If somebody said, all you have to do is override your negative thoughts with these positive affirmations, and eventually, you'll program your brain.
It doesn't work for me.
Some people, it works.
Some people, it doesn't.
Because what ends up happening is that those negative thoughts never go away.
They're still there.
It's almost like I have to build a rapport with myself.
What that means is you meet yourself where you are.
If you are in a negative space and you have inner dialogue that says, everything's gonna be wonderful, I am worthy, I am lovable, which I am a proponent of.
If it works like I said, I'm I'm a proponent of and sometimes people need this, if you need it keep doing it.
But if it doesn't work and you find that the negative emotions or the negative thoughts are still there then they aren't working.
The positive affirmations aren't doing it.
And so that's why I like to meet myself where I am.
If I think God I should have made a different decision back then I'm so upset at I might say don't be such a baby.
Don't be so upset with yourself.
I mean so what you screwed up move on It's like a dad who wants me to be happy and this is how he does it That's how he connects with me.
And that's not my dad and just like a father figure or even a mother figure Just you have this inner dialogue that helps you along and that can be very helpful So I like to at least push you in a direction that helps you, and that might be the direction or the positive affirmation might be a direction.
But, sometimes you have to meet yourself where you are, and that's what builds rapport.
You meet somebody where they are, so inside yourself you meet yourself where you are.
If I'm angry at myself, let's approach that with anger.
Well you should be angry.
You screwed up. And I'm not saying this to the person who wrote.
I'm saying that this is just one tool in your bag of tools that you could try and see what happens.
And it might actually change any type of obsessive thinking to less obsessive, or not obsessive at all, and actually making progress and moving on.
That might be nice.
It would be nice. And so my last comment on obsession might be a little bit disagreeable to you or someone listening that has to do with resistance.
When we resist what we don't want to be true, it typically amplifies what we're thinking about.
It typically amplifies the thoughts about what has happened, what decisions we've made.
It amplifies the negativity.
Resistance to what -is amplifies what we feel about it.
and if we resist what is, it typically means we don't want it to be and if we're resisting what we don't want to be, it amplifies our feelings about it, it amplifies the negativity...
and so the more we think about what we don't want to be, and the more regret we have or the wishing it would be different the more it amplifies in your mind and that is something else that continues and compounds the obsessive thinking and so resistance becomes a fuel for obsessive thinking.
I wish it wasn't that way.
I don't want it to be that way.
Why didn't I do something different?
That resistance constantly fuels and refuels obsessive thinking and so the way I have approached this is almost spiritual.
The less I resist the person or the event or whatever I'm upset about the less I do and in fact the more opposite that I feel toward that person the results I get are usually better.
The outcome that I want has a better chance of happening and has happened in the past meaning let's just say that this person who is really upset with her ex and she's putting all this anger toward her and this anger is out in the universe and her ex is receiving all this negative energy again this is spiritual I like to think practically but sometimes we have to think outside the box and this is how I sometimes approach it when the thing the obsession doesn't go away and so she's receiving all this negative energy and it can come in different forms not just like out in the universe or whatever
they can come in your inflection your text messages your emails how you talk to each other it comes out it just comes out and so other people feel it and as long as that's there my perspective and my real world results have shown me that the more negative energy we put toward somebody or something, the more likely it'll never go away.
It just continues and sometimes it gets worse.
I'm so angry at that person and when I talk to that person they can feel the anger or they can sense it they know they're they know I'm upset with them and so that person never changes and I have to ask myself is my resistance and the negative energy that I'm putting toward them, does it have anything to do with it.
Does the way they show up in my life have anything to do with all this negative energy I'm putting toward them?
I'm not trying to victim blame.
I'm not trying to say that you are causing this and you're bringing it into your life.
It's not some crap like that.
It's a matter of some people resist your resistance and their resistance amplifies their beliefs, their values, their stance.
We see it in politics.
When you resist something about somebody and they're staunchly for it for what they're doing and you're staunchly against it, it amplifies their beliefs, their values, and it amplifies their position.
And so when somebody feels resistance toward them and they've already established all their values and beliefs in their position, then they're likely to defend it and the more you resist it the more they defend it.
Which comes to my personal belief that the more you want somebody to be something other than they are the more they become the person you don't want them to be.
I can't explain it any other way the more you resist who they are the more likely they will be who they are and maybe even more more of who you don't want them to be and so taking out that resistance toward them pulling back that negative energy that they sense when you are talking with them or sending them a message pulling it back can sometimes facilitate change that may be too out there for some people that may not work for you but it creates a different atmosphere and when somebody's in a different atmosphere they might actually consider change themselves.
Just something to ponder.
Just something to add to your philosophy if you care to try it.
But I've adopted that.
There are people that boy I was angry at.
I was so mad. I know this one guy that did something against my family so long ago and he stole some land from them and was awful and I really wanted to kick his butt.
And I decided well, there's nothing I can do.
This is one of those things that I had to accept.
If I knew for a fact that that would never change and we would never get that land back then what would I say or what would I do then?
And there's nothing I can do.
Do I keep throwing that energy toward him and is that amplifying who he is, is that facilitating more of who he is or can I move on without him occupying any more space in my brain because I really don't want to see his ugly face.
I'm not saying he's ugly but in my mind I made him ugly.
I made him hurtful.
I made him mean. I want to get him out of there.
I want more pleasant thoughts.
I don't want him in my mind anymore.
I want him out and so what I talked about today, stuff like this, is what helps me.
And of course go to TheOverwellingBrain .com, go to the podcast page, and look up the word obsessed, and this will be my final episode on obsession.
That's it. I've talked about it enough until I talk about it again.
So we'll address it some other time when somebody else has a question that wasn't addressed, and you I never know.
I talk about these things, and I think of new ways to approach the challenges that we have in our life.
So maybe in a couple years, we'll talk about this again.
I want to thank the person who wrote for changing my direction today.
I think it was a great subject to talk about.
It kind of branched off into other things, but I think I wrapped it up pretty nice.
We'll stop here. And I want to thank you for joining me.
Thank you for listening to another episode of The Overwhelmed Brain.
I want to thank the patrons and the donors that give to this show very kind and I'm very grateful and very humbled by your generosity.
If you find value in this show and you want to give back, head over to moretob .com and there are options to do that over there.
Thank you Patrons and donors.
I am so appreciative.
And for a show on how to navigate the difficult relationship, listen to my other podcast called Love and Abuse over at loveandabuse .com.
And if you know you're the difficult one in the relationship maybe this person's X maybe she needs to join the program that is helping a lot of people heal it's for those doing emotional abuse of behavior manipulation and control and the things that have really hurt so many relationships head over to healed being calm and there's a program that will help you there again so glad you join me just remember to always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
Always take steps to grow and evolve.
You are powerful beyond measure and above all and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you.
You are amazing.
