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Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of iHeart Radio.
Good morning. This is Laura.
Welcome to the Before Breakfast Podcast.
Today's tip is that if you share a household with a partner, make sure the rest is fair.
Nobody wins if you compete over who is working harder, at the various sorts of work people do.
But you both benefit if you work together to make sure you each get the rest you need.
Today's tip was partly inspired by the book How to Keep House While Drowning.
In it, therapist Casey Davis advises couples to make the rest fair.
She says that couples often try to make sure the work is fair.
And as someone who hears from a lot of people about how they and their partners manage time and responsibilities, I would agree that this is a common and reasonable aim.
But Davis points out what you may already know from experience.
It is hard to compare different kinds of work.
Paid versus unpaid. At home versus outside the home.
More versus less physically demanding or emotionally demanding or intellectually demanding.
Uncall and available versus active.
It's hard to know who is working harder or more.
And in a partnership where you are both working hard and feeling exhausted, nobody wins that contest anyway.
So instead of trying to make the work fair, however you define work, Davis suggests making sure that both partners get adequate time for rest and recreation.
Instead of asking who is working harder, she advises starting from the question, how can we ensure that we both get rest?
I like this idea because phrasing it this way means it's not a competition.
You are looking out for each other.
As Davis puts it, this isn't a business deal where you need to protect your interests against an adversary.
It's a partnership where you care about the well-being of each other.
So what does it look like for the rest to be fair?
Davis describes rest as fun and recharging.
It involves what she calls time autonomy.
In other words, you can do whatever you want with your rest time.
She also clarifies what rest isn't.
It isn't being uncall. If you are reading a book while the baby naps, but you will be the one to deal with the baby of Shecries, that is not real rest.
Related to that, Davis says rest includes responsibilities.
She explains, it is your partner's responsibility to protect your rest time.
But you are a responsibility to actually rest.
If your own perfectionism has you using your rest time to scrub baseboards that is not your partner's fault.
So how can you make equal rest happen?
It might be wise to chat through your calendars.
Maybe you set recurring times that each of you get automatically.
And any changes required advanced consultation.
Instead of assuming that you'll both be able to fit in rest around other responsibilities, take time to work together to figure out when rest can happen for each of you.
Then commit to protecting each other's rest time and to making the most of your own.
If you've got young kids, you will need to trade off.
If one party seems to be working a lot and working unpredictably, you'll likely need to hire childcare.
Because long hours don't negate the need for rest for anyone.
If you and your partner are feeling worn out, focusing on protecting rest could make a big difference.
It's unclear how to count if the work is ever completely fair.
But perhaps rest can be.
And perhaps that can make life feel more doable.
In the meantime, this is Laura.
Thanks for listening. And here's to making the most of our time.
Thanks for listening to Before Breakfast.
If you've got questions, ideas, or feedback, you can reach me at Laura at LauraVandercam.com.
Before Breakfast is a production of iHeart Media, or more podcasts from iHeart Media, please visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
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