Hey weirdos, i'm krampus one and i'm krampus actually number one.
Wow, i was like two and this is morbid.
So This is Morbid.
Listener Tales, Holiday Edition.
What Krampus kinda once said.
What does she think this is?
I'm in my Krampus vibe.
I'm in my Krampus vibe.
I'm being a dick.
Careful, I'll bite your arm off.
That's what Krampus does, okay?
You do have the krillix.
I know, I have toe krillix and hand krillix.
I was very concerned that these be in the shot.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Feet pics.
Feet pics.
Free feet pics.
Well, anyways, this is brought to you by you, for you, from you, and all about you.
It's true.
And it's holiday themed, obviously.
It's merry as fuck.
It's so bright.
Let's get into it.
Let's get into it.
You want to go first or you want me to?
Why don't you go first?
Okay.
I'll let you be Krampus one for this.
Thanks.
This is called Listener Tale.
Our neighbor was a Dollar Tree, Florida man, but make it Alabama.
I'm so glad I got to read this.
I'll always make it.
Oh my god, at first I thought he said sexy.
But he actually said succeed.
Oh, he said succeed.
Yeah, I don't know why.
I like that.
Is he telling me to succeed because he likes you better?
He called you a drip.
Well, drip nowadays is pretty cool.
Like, I got drip.
I don't know if Nicholas is up on the slang.
Are you doubting your man?
No, I just know he's an elder.
I don't know.
I think he likes my drip.
Anyway, Florida man.
Or he called you, he said, a drip.
I've never even heard somebody be called a drip.
Really?
No.
Oh, damn.
Well, I'm old.
I'm old.
I mean, today we're both ancient.
It's true.
So, my name is Andrea, and yes, you can use my name.
I changed all other names in the tale for you.
I'm a long-time creeper, first-time emailer here.
I had to send in this true crime slash, weird-ass encounter that unfolded over several years ago while my family lived in Mobile Alabama.
Mobile, Alabama.
Mobile, Alabama.
It just makes me think, you have a baby?
In a bar?
In a bar?
It involves a sketchy neighbor, a literal water heist, a surprise home intruder and a toddler conducting inflatable inspections during a SWAT standoff.
That's so much.
That's a wild ass sentence.
This is a tale.
Well, buckle up and hold on to your butts.
I'm holding.
Hold them.
So let's rewind around 2019 to 2022.
My husband and I moved to Mobile, Alabama.
Alabama.
Mobile, Alabama.
Mobile, Alabama from Wichita, Kansas.
Oh, is it Mobile?
Mobile.
Mobile.
Mobile.
Oh, fuck.
Deb just helped us out here.
Shout out to Deb.
Holy shit.
Mobile.
We've already gotten 18 emails.
Mobile, Alabama.
Mobile.
Mobile.
So we moved from Mobile to Wichita.
We moved to Mobile from Wichita.
That's what we did.
My face is itchy.
Okay.
I was already in culture shock.
It's going to be hard to get out of that.
Because of the mobile.
Because of the mobile.
Yeah.
And I was soon to be in a neighbor shock as well.
Oh.
We bought our first house in a beautiful neighborhood.
One acre lots and custom home builds.
Gorgeous.
Stone.
Maybe made of stone.
Oh, I'm sure there was stone.
Yeah, definitely stone.
He said stone walls even.
He said, watch out for the radon.
Call a mason.
I felt so grown up and I was living in my dream house.
We lived next door to a man we'll lovingly call Steve.
Steve.
Steve was a vibe.
And by that I mean chaotic energy with a side of felony.
Oh, that is a vibe.
It's some kind of vibe.
That would annoy me.
Yeah.
At this time, we had an infant, and I dared Steve to wake that baby up.
This mama was running on caffeine and rage, and I wasn't scared of prison.
There were whispers that he'd been in and out of jail, but things got truly unhinged around COVID.
That's when they got real unhinged.
For everybody.
I was so excited to get another disgusting and then it was so short-lived by why can't I come?
That could be seen in so many lights.
How does one recover from a question like that?
Oh my god.
Wow.
I'm literally crying.
Tears.
I didn't know how to respond to that.
We all responded the same.
Disgusting.
Why can't I come?
I was like, I don't know.
It's not Steve.
It's Nicholas.
I'm so stressed.
I'm thinking about Steve.
Let's get back to Steve.
Nicholas, I'm sorry.
So there were whispers that he had been in and out of jail, but things got truly unhinged around COVID.
Like most people, I started going on daily sanity walks.
And that's when I noticed Steve's trash was never getting picked up.
Turns out, our boy was stuffing his garbage into other people's cans like a raccoon with poor impulse control.
There was trash everywhere.
On the sidewalk, in his yard, overflowing was an understatement.
It got worse.
The lights stopped turning on in his house, but someone was clearly still living there.
One day the gas and water companies came and padlocked his utilities off.
Like physically chained them shut.
Damn.
Jeremy, my real life Ted Lasso husband.
I don't know what that means.
Do you watch Ted Lasso?
I didn't watch Ted Lasso.
Debbie?
Yes.
What does that mean?
Like a sweet, lovely woman.
A sweet, lovely man, says Deb.
So, Jeremy and you were nosy as hell, so we kept tabs through our new security cameras.
So one night we watched Steve lift the water main lid and cut off the padlock to turn his water back on.
I mean, he's... Strong.
He's... he's a diy-er i suppose yeah he's he's going for it that's crazy so there's that he said it's fine i'll do it myself i guess fine yeah just casually committing felonies like he was brushing his teeth he ended up rigging a rain barrel on the side of his house to run into his kitchen it was an eyesore but do what you have to do i guess industrious and then the piece de resistance i was really going for that i like that I left for a gym run and saw a hose running from the fire hydrant to wait for it, his pool.
Sir, that's not a legal plumbing choice.
That's a felony.
So I called up my Ted Lasso husband and I was like this is illegal, right?
This can't be good, right?
No, he reported it to the fire department and the police and, spoiler alert, it was very illegal.
Yeah, now listen, steve's dating life was its own soap opera.
Women came and women went like doordash deliveries.
Live your truth, bro.
Yeah, things got wild right before christmas 2020.
Things always get wild around christmas, they do.
We had just put our toddler we'll call him g to bed and we're decomp g g unit.
There's your baby, that's your baby, that's your baby.
G unit was in bed and you guys were decompressing on the coach when suddenly bang bang bang oh, more like bang bang bang.
Oh, she went like straight to the felonious.
Well, we're talking about a felon, you were.
You were like bang bang bang.
Someone started yelling and banging on our front door.
Jeremy flipped to the security cam and there was steve and his newest girlfriend Who's trying to come into our house.
No shoes, in shorts, in winter.
She's yelling and he's trying to drag her home.
Jeremy opens the door.
Steve runs away and she says, can I come in?
And you all should have said, say it with me now.
No.
But I'm not judging.
Jeremy, saint, protector, golden retriever energy, told her no.
Good job.
But offered to help.
He grabbed his phone and an old hoodie for her.
But when he came back outside, she was gone.
She had vanished.
I hate that.
Turns out she wandered around the side of the house in total darkness.
Like, why?
I'm scared.
I don't know why.
My immediate thought when you said she wandered around the house in total I thought you said in total dark horror.
I thought that's what you were going to say.
I don't know why.
And she walked around and she just totaled her car.
Why would she do that?
I mean, why would she do anything, really?
I don't know.
I have, like, a slight migraine approaching.
Oh, no.
I think I'm in, like, weird migraine land right now.
I was sitting, like, to the side too long and it started to hurt.
It happens.
Oh, Pilates.
You can still see your feet.
Thank you.
Thank goodness.
Thank gosh.
Thank Krampus.
Thank Kramp Kramp.
So she wandered to the side of the house to totally recall.
Jeremy called the police who arrived and asked her why she tried to come in.
Her answer, you have a baby.
I knew you'd be nice and be home.
That's very strangers coded.
I was just going to say, I knew you would be nice and be home.
Lots of mean people have babies.
Yeah.
Ask my mom.
And I'll be very nice to my baby and be very mean to you.
But I'm like, not everybody with a baby is a nice person.
Like, hello?
Yeah.
So ma'am, you could have just asked like a normal human.
You did not have to break down our door.
No, she ended up staying with her parents that night and was back with steve two days later.
Because, of course.
But wait, hold on to your butts.
It's now christmas 2021.
One year later oh that's math.
Steve is still up to his nonsense, arguing with girlfriends being hunted by the repo man, Building what can only be described as janky murder trailers in his driveway.
People are still coming in and out of his house at all hours of the day and night.
We all probably know what he was up to, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, he has a book club.
Yeah.
Our toddler G is now fully obsessed with inflatable yard decorations.
G-unit.
G-unit.
So, of course, our front yard looks like the Alabama Griswolds.
That's phenomenal.
I love that.
We've got like 100 inflatable Santas, snowmen, and elves.
It's a whole situation.
Incredible.
One evening, G and I are driving home, blasting Christmas music, and notice two cop cars behind me.
I'm going the speed limit.
I use my blinker.
I'm wearing my seatbelt, but I'm sweating bullets anyway.
Of course.
We've all been there.
I am almost 40 years old, and every time I go inside a liquor store, I'm like...
Do I have my... I don't know if I should be here.
I feel like I'm going to get in trouble.
What?
No, I hate that.
Whenever anybody asks me to go, I'm like, no.
Yeah, I feel bad.
I do.
I feel bad.
Bad.
I feel disgusting.
So...
Ah, la la la.
They drive past me when I pull over.
Phew.
We get home and surprise!
Those same two cruisers are now parked in front of Steve's house.
Ah.
I go inside and I fill in Jeremy.
We pull up the cameras and see two more police cars arrive.
That's four total, all at Steve's.
They're knocking on his door, circling the house.
G asks if we can go outside to look at his flatables.
There's flightables.
Absolutely, buddy.
Let's go look at those flightables.
It will vacuum the lawn while we're outside.
While we're out there, one officer even walks over to us and asks if Steve is home.
I'd be like, I don't know.
I don't know, Steve.
I don't know Steve's life.
Jeremy, who's still working from home, tells him yeah, his truck is just hidden behind the fence to dodge the repo guy.
Because of course it is.
So Steve had been home for at least 15 to 20 minutes.
The officer thanked us and then radios for backup.
Two minutes later, sirens.
We watched them fly down the road to behind our house.
When they stopped we realized there are now two cop cars at the front of the neighborhood, two more blocking the end of our street and at least 10 in our cul-de-sac.
Huh.
Ten.
Ten.
For Steve.
Uh-oh.
At this point, officers started pulling on tactical vests, like full-on SWAT gear.
Uh-oh.
Jeremy and I decided it was now time to get the tiny boy in the house.
G-Unit is understandably upset that he had to pause his nightly inflatable inspection.
Inflatable.
But we distracted him with macaroni and cheese, as one does during a neighborhood SWAT standoff.
That's all you really can do.
We're in the middle of dinner and are glued to the camera channel on the TV.
After a 15-minute tense standoff and us low-key watching the entire thing like a true crime reality show the police arrested Steve.
Turns out, earlier that week, he had been towing a friend's car with rope.
The rope snapped, the car veered into oncoming traffic, and a family of five was seriously injured.
Oh my god, Steve.
And of course, our boy Steve fled the scene.
Steve, you gotta get it the fuck together.
You can't just injure a family of five like that and steal from the fire hydrants.
You can't.
It's felonious.
Felonious.
Yeah.
See, I knew you weren't going to let that go either.
Can't let that one go.
You're so Krampus.
I can't do it.
I'm Krampus, but I'm also a Capricorn.
I can't let that go.
You said felonious?
Yeah, no.
That goes crazy.
So that's why the SWAT team came.
Not because of the fire hydrant, not because of the trash crimes, not even the illegal pool water, because he literally caused a crash and then ran.
We moved not long after.
I think about Steve every Christmas when I see inflatable Santas and every time I hear a motorcycle rev after 9pm.
A small part of my soul leaves my body.
Thanks for reading this truly unhinged tale.
Stay weird, but not cutting your water padlock and filling your pool with fire hydrant before getting arrested by SWAT on Christmas weird.
Love y'all like Steve loves breaking every single law.
From Andrea.
I'm gonna use that now.
I love you like Steve loves breaking every single law.
That was too good.
Steve is wild.
Nicholas is right.
Andrea, I hope you're a better neighbor now.
Yeah, you were correct to move, like Nicholas said.
Yeah.
But Steve sounds like a hoot.
Until he injured a family of five.
Yeah.
It sounded like he was just very, like, handy.
What?
He was very cursed.
It does sound like he was a little cursed.
He was very cursed.
He had a cursed energy.
Nicholas is literally on point here.
I just want to point that out.
He really is.
He's really... He's here with us.
He's doing the damn thing.
He's like... We were struggling.
We were like, he's really... And he says cursed.
Cursed.
He said bitches.
Is that the word you're looking for?
Sounds like he's cursed.
And it was.
It was.
All right.
I liked that, Andrea.
Love you.
Long time.
Glad you moved.
I wonder if it's Andrea.
Andrea.
That would have worked so well last Listener Tales.
It would have.
This next one is Listener Tales, my so-called out-of-body experience.
Ooh.
Hello, ladies.
My name is Nicole, and I am no longer a new listener.
I almost said Lou-nessener.
A Lou-nessener.
A Lou-nessener.
As I started following your podcast February 2023, and it is now September 2024.
Actually, Nicole, now it's December 2025, so you're the oldest listener.
So old.
So old.
I've been sitting on this...
Mikey says you're not.
He's like, that's not how time works.
I've been sitting on this email for a while now.
I love the show.
I can't imagine how much time and effort goes into researching the stories.
Thank you so much.
Thank you for doing all the hard work, so I do not have to.
Although I feel like I have a pretty solid working knowledge of most things morbid, you provide so much content and context.
I'm ashamed to admit I was at first put off by the sideline banter.
And laughter of the show.
Nicole.
However, I quickly realized that all those giggles are the perfect palate cleanser, since the subject matter can be so harrowing.
We're glad you came to the right side, Nicole.
Thank you.
A million apologies for not immediately recognizing the artistry.
Okay, I love you.
Half a million accepted.
I forgive you.
I shall never doubt either of you again.
And I will never doubt you, Nicole, okay?
We're friends now.
I won't either.
We're friends now.
It's over.
It's over.
Nicholas actually wants to know why you're here.
So Nicholas isn't as quick to forget.
We'll work on him, okay?
But one more thing before getting into my tale.
The chemistry you two have is off the charts.
She's all right.
Wow.
How well you know and love each other really shines through.
You can tell Ash is Elena's biggest cheerleader.
Elena is Ash's biggest cheerleader.
It's true.
It's refreshing to hear two women who are so encouraging and proud of each other.
I almost hit you right in the face.
Hold on, it's the wrong hand.
We need a better one.
Hold on, wait, wait.
There it is.
There it is.
Okay, that first one was woo.
Okay, enough of the ass kissing.
That wasn't ass kissing.
That was great.
That was just kind.
I came here to tell a story, so here we go.
Tell it.
My tale begins in a long ago year of 20, oh, 2001.
Damn.
2001.
Isn't that 10 years ago?
What?
Instead of running all over town drinking and smoking weed like the rest of our friends.
Good job.
However, it was New Year's Eve and we decided we would take some magic mushrooms and watch some sort of WWE special while ringing in the new year.
That's pretty iconic.
Yes, hallucinogens mixed with wrestling.
Don't tell me we didn't know how to get down back in those early aughts.
I'd love to be able to tell you that the girls and I were wearing velour tracksuits and trucker hats to really help paint the picture.
Alas, I cannot.
Aw, man.
I remember distinctly, I was wearing a pair of jeans low-cut flares, of course and a loud, horizontally striped shirt.
You may think, who cares what this chick was wearing?
But trust me when I say, I'll bring it back before the end of the story.
It was the stripes, wasn't it?
It was.
I had taken mushrooms twice before.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
At the time, I didn't correlate the rash to the shrooms.
Later, I would wish I had.
Oh, no.
A few months after the second dalliance with the magic fungi, my dad tells my sister and me he's going out of town for New Year's Eve or for New Year's, but that we can stay at his place and party or whatever.
He doesn't want to worry about us being on the roads going from party to party.
It was actually pretty nice.
It was a nice offer.
My dad had a large screen TV in his basement and plenty of places for us all to crash, so we took him up on it.
I'm not sure if we told him ahead of time what substances we were planning to indulge in, but I don't think it would have mattered, as my dad was a partier himself.
We were all just happy to have a safe place to trip out at.
Finally, the big night is here and all five of us eat peanut butter sandwiches topped with a few mushroom caps, and off we go.
I feel like that's a frequent thing for people that do shrooms.
They put them on peanut butter sandwiches.
I think because shrooms, I've never done them, but I think they taste really bad.
Remember that show Love?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's how they do shrooms on there, remember?
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Everything starts off fine.
About a half hour after eating our shroom sandwiches, I feel a slight body buzz and the colors of the room seem to be different than I remember.
The TV also looks like it's getting further away from me.
I would die.
I want to be clear about that.
I would die on shrooms.
Just that.
Yeah, I've never done shrooms, but I did once.
How do you, can you say on YouTube?
I have no idea.
Nicholas fucking can't stand that.
What did he say?
He said revolting.
Wow.
Okay, Nicholas.
One time I gardened and I think my gardening substance was laced because I found myself inside of a VCR box.
For real.
So while I haven't done shrooms, maybe I have.
Is that a VCR box?
What does that mean?
Not a VCR box.
You remember those old Comcast, like it came with your TV?
Cable box.
Cable box.
Yeah.
And it had the orange writing.
Oh, yeah.
I was inside of it looking out in my head.
Really, I was sitting on a couch.
Yeah, you weren't actually in the cable box.
I also fell down the stairs at the house that I was at before that and they shut the lights off and I thought that I was blind.
So, like, I can relate to this.
Yeah.
Even though I didn't do shroomies.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, damn.
Don't do substances.
Yeah.
Don't garden unless it's the real gardening.
Like Nicholas just said, revolting.
Damn.
Yeah.
So the TV looks like it's getting further away from me.
I would die.
As if the whole room is being extended out.
Seems like the trip is starting and I wait for some additional visuals to hit me.
Before anything else psychedelic happens.
There's some sort of sisterly drama which happened between Diana and me.
Oh, not during shrooms.
I do not remember what caused it, but I remember thinking she got really attitude-y with me for no reason and it really pissed me off.
Oh, no.
Now, for anyone who has done hallucinogens, you know that something like this can totally play with your mind and you can go from nice happy trip to strange scary trip super quickly.
I start to internalize things and get in my own head and that's when things go wrong.
The room now seems to be shrinking in on me.
I can literally feel it getting smaller and there's blackness clouding my peripheral vision.
It starts slowly but picks up speed and then wham!
Nothing but complete darkness surrounding me.
I didn't even read this before.
You went blind too?
I sense this darkness, but I can't see or hear anything at this point.
I'm not sure how long this lasted, but I don't think it was more than a minute or two.
My senses slowly start to come back.
At first I can hear.
My sister and Tina are crying.
I can hear Alec.
He's saying my name and asking if I can hear him.
Then I can start to see and I'm looking right at the drop ceiling of my dad's basement.
My face is only inches from it.
I know this is weird because I'm not tall and I should not be this close to any ceiling anywhere.
So now I can hear and see, but I can't feel anything.
In fact, I do not even feel like I have a body.
I have this sensation of just like floating in the air.
I reach my arm out, touch the ceiling tile, but I can't feel it.
I try to turn away from the ceiling and it's difficult because I cannot feel my body, so I'm not really sure how to move.
I liken this feeling to having dental work done.
You know when your mouth is numb and you try to eat or put chapstick on, but you can't really do it because you can't feel your lips.
This was very similar.
I hate that feeling.
I hate that too.
Somehow I got myself turned around and to my surprise, I can see everyone.
They're all standing below me.
The girls are holding each other and crying.
Pete is standing nervously next to Diana.
And not sure what's going on or what he can do to help her, Tina or me.
The strangest thing of all is that I can see myself as if it's from someone else's perspective.
I'm looking down at Alec.
He's holding me in his arms as if we were newlyweds and he is ushering me across the threshold of the bridal suite.
Romance?
This is wild, and I realize I must be having an out-of-body experience.
I can hear and see everything going on in the room, but not from my own eyes, in my own body.
I'm seeing this all happen as I'm floating slash, hovering above everyone and everything in that room.
This all happened pretty quickly, so not long after my realization something even more strange happens.
I can feel myself being sucked back to Earth, back into my own body.
Like...
Boom.
Boom.
My eyes fly open.
I can feel Alec holding me.
Diana rushes to my side and yells, her eyes are open.
And she's grabbing me and crying all over again.
All over me, hugging me.
I bet she regretted giving you attitude.
I bet she did.
As I start to come to, I can tell my friends are relieved.
They settle me on the couch and tell me their version of what happened.
Diana knew she acted like a bitch, so she looked at me to make amends.
But she said she could tell something was wrong right away.
I didn't look good.
My eyes weren't focused and I wasn't responding as she tried to talk to me.
Then apparently my eyes rolled to the back of my head as I passed out and slumped over onto Alec.
Holy shit.
That's when they all started freaking out.
Alec slapped my cheeks a couple of times and then when I didn't react, he lifted me off the couch.
I think the next move was to get me upstairs to a car or to call an ambulance, but then I woke up.
I mentioned earlier that I may have had an allergic reaction to mushrooms.
Oh, right.
Well, I didn't get a rash this time, but for the next four to five hours I was in the bathroom puking my guts out.
I've never, ever vomited that much in my life.
I mean, all I could do was lie on the floor of the bathroom in my dad's basement and heave all night long.
Every time I thought I was done, I wasn't.
It just kept coming.
But hey, at least I was on the ground, not getting sick from eight feet in the air.
That would have been so exorcist coded as well.
So maybe I do have an allergy to natural psychedelics.
And after my ethereal body rejoined my physical one, that puke was my body's way of ridding itself of the allergens.
I don't know.
But I never did shrooms again.
Good job.
I'm known in my circle of friends for being a bit of a bullshitter.
Yes.
I embellish and exaggerate to prove a point or tell a good story.
But the next morning, when I recounted this one to Alec Diana, Pete and Tina, they 100 believed me.
I don't know why.
It's not like anything specific happened, while I was unconscious that I could point to and prove I was there on some level.
It all just happened so quickly.
There honestly isn't all that much to tell.
But I'm convinced of what happened and I guess they knew me well enough to know it wasn't a tall tale.
Sometimes the truth just rings clear, and people know when they hear it."
Now here's the part which prompted me to write in to you guys.
Last year, my dad was over and we were reminiscing about our younger years.
Well, this story came up again.
He'd probably already heard it at least twice before.
Anyhow, after I'd wrapped it up, my dad looks at me and says what if it wasn't an out-of-body experience?
What if you were ch- sensible sensible sensible what if you were checking out but then turned around and came back that's kind of what i was thinking like were you dying yeah i was stunned for a minute my own dad was alluding to the fact that i may have been dying and then for whatever reason didn't head towards the bright white light but instead plummeted back to earth you guys crazy decision i had never thought about it like that before and i gotta tell you it scared the living shit out of me Those two sentences changed my whole perspective on that experience.
I told that story 20 times over the years, and always in a self-depreciatingly jokey type fashion.
Oh, look at me, the girl so allergic to magic mushrooms.
I pass out and have an out-of-body experience.
Now I can hardly stand the thought, because it isn't even very fun to think that, as my dad so lovingly put, I was checking out.
Ugh, maybe it was both.
I mean, i suppose it's possible that i could have had an out-of-body experience and then die, or those people have, like i think, body experiences before they die probably, or that you have an out-of-body experience on your way to dying and then come back to life.
I'm no expert on the matter.
It was a super strange experience and i wanted to share with you guys and the listeners.
Thank you for the time, love you both and the show.
Two things before i go.
One I love when Ash says oh, absolutely.
Anytime I hear anyone else say that, it reminds me of Morgan.
I love that.
Especially the Long Island Lolita show with Bailey Sarian.
Ash said, oh, absolutely, so many times at the end of that episode.
Go back and check it out.
She probably says it like eight times.
I was admittedly so starstruck the first time.
Honestly, the first answer second time that we recorded with bailey syrian also probably said some crazy shit.
She is one of the sweetest people, one of the nicest people we've ever met, do you?
And two, do you have any plans to cover the asha degree case?
Maybe you already have and i missed it.
It's just totally mind-boggling.
I'm haunted by it.
I think you guys would do a really great job covering it.
Thanks, ash and elaine.
I have a good one and hope you keep it weird, but not so weird.
You take illegal drugs in your dad's basement man cave and pass out and have an out-of-body experience and maybe almost die.
We won't keep it that weird.
The Asha case, I don't think we've covered it.
I don't think we have.
But I do want to cover that case for sure.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Oh, absolutely.
Absolutely.
Damn.
That one was scary.
I think you might have almost died.
I think you did almost die.
I wonder, are you allergic to just like actual mushrooms?
Maybe.
I don't know what's like in magic mushroom.
It's just like chemicals, isn't it?
I have no idea.
Well, it's natural.
Oh, it is?
Yeah.
Aren't they natural?
I think it depends like what ones you...
I don't know.
No, I think mushrooms are like natural psychedelics.
Oh, yeah.
Yellow jackets.
Yeah.
See?
Huh.
Wow.
So I don't know.
Damn.
Maybe you're allergic to mushrooms and psychedelics.
Maybe.
I don't know.
Who knows?
Next one is listener story.
Anya the ghost.
A Christmas tale.
I love Anya.
Should be a Krampus tale.
Krampus.
Hey, Ash and Alina.
Hey.
I just want to say how much I love your show.
Thank you.
Oh, my God.
You were the first podcast I ever listened to and I just can't get enough.
My BFF and I are obsessed and get together when new episodes come out to listen and discuss.
You guys have kept me going through tough days at work and in quarantine.
Oh God, no.
I'll keep the fangirling to a minimum because this is, sorry not sorry, going to be a long one.
So get comfy and hold on to your butts.
Hold on.
To preface.
This story really has nothing to do with Christmas, but my neighbor has our small neighborhood over for a Christmas dinner every year.
And for the last couple of years, her sister, who is also addicted to morbid, now has requested this story.
So for the last couple of years we've gathered around their Christmas tree and I tell the tale of Anya the ghost.
First, I'd like to make it clear that I'm pretty skeptical when it comes to ghosts and paranormal stuff.
This is the incident that made me change my mind.
And now I'm very much of the opinion that the dead can leave an imprint on this world.
Here it goes.
Let's go.
After nine years of fucking around being in and out of school, I finally graduated college with my four-year degree.
I know fresh air is for dead people but we really like the outdoors and sun and exercise works better for me than Prozac.
Anyway, after several weeks on the trail, we were about four or five days out from reaching our destination of Durango, Colorado.
After a long day's hiking we found a nice campsite by a creek just off the trail and settled in for the evening.
We had just finished up dinner, and Josh, my husband, and dog Sunshine, R.I.P.
Sunny Girl, sorry.
Sunshine.
Uh, we were in the tent chilling for a second while sitting by the fire.
Keep in mind that sunshine was the kind of dog that would bark at people for approaching her house.
Quote unquote, in this case the tent.
It was about 8 30 in the evening in july, so the days were long, but the sun was starting to set and it was the sort of gray dusk hour, so we were all minding our own business, enjoying the solitude and distinct lack of people.
Suddenly and quietly, a woman comes around the corner, past our campsite.
Not super weird until i see she's not wearing shoes, has no pack, no water bottle, no jacket, nothing except the clothes on her back, just a black cotton t-shirt and black cotton caprice.
It's a cute outfit, it is.
I think this is super fucking weird.
But hey, it's colorado and there's plenty of people that go in the woods and get weird and talk to trees and shit like that.
I think one of those people i don't judge no, so i think huh weird, but whatever, she's probably just tripping her face off and is camping down the the trail a little way more mushrooms, streamies.
As she's walking past the campsite she stops abruptly and looks at me and says are you not caitlin?
I say uh, no.
But internally... I also love, like, are you not Caitlin?
It's like, imagine if you were Caitlin.
I'm not a lot of things.
Weird that you chose Caitlin.
I'm not that.
I'm not this.
Yeah.
I say, uh, no.
But internally, I'm super weirded out because that's my sister-in-law's name.
Oh.
She says, never mind.
And then continues down the trail.
I'm just left thinking, huh, okay, that was weird.
And maybe the name thing was just a coincidence.
Yeah.
I didn't know that.
I didn't know that either.
So we're hanging by the fire drinking our juice box wine when who comes walking back around the corner?
Fucking Anya.
The barefoot woman.
That woman.
It is Anya, I bet.
I bet.
She comes around the corner and says, may I share the warmth of your fire for a moment?
I hate that.
I'd say you can make the warmth of your own fire, babe.
It's the way she asked.
Yeah, it's a little freaky.
I would have been like no, this is my warmth.
Nope, I got all the warmth.
This is my warmth, can't have any of it.
Josh and I look at each other and say uh, sure.
So this random lady comes over to the fire and sits across from us and doesn't say a word and just stares into the fire.
No nope uh uh, no.
As soon as she sat down, we both got uneasy and had a bad feeling about it.
Yeah, Damn.
What the fuck? who is this barefoot bitch i like barefoot barefoot bitch tm i like that so we were asking questions and the following is my recollection of possibly the strangest conversation i've ever been i've ever been a part of nicholas says neat me so what's your name her anya you're right uh josh where are you from anya i lived in rico for quite some time now me It is a struggle.
This feels like a struggling conversation.
Conversating is struggling in general.
It is.
Me, where are you going?
Anya looks up from the fire and directly at me.
Her eyes were the blackest black I have ever seen.
Like there was no definition between iris and pupil.
It's like the black-eyed children.
Oh, no.
The black-eyed anyas.
They're worse.
The black-eyed peas.
Even worse.
Without Fergie, forget it.
She says, if I told you, it wouldn't make any sense.
Okay.
I'm already annoyed that she wants to share the warmth of my fire.
And now she's lacking your intelligence.
You're like, you know what, if I told you it would make sense.
Don't assume.
Yeah.
Don't assume I won't understand your otherworldly travels.
I'll get it, Anya.
Don't assume.
Don't assume.
It makes an ass out of you and definitely not me.
Anya.
Anya.
Anya.
Anya, the hair on the back of my neck stood uh, was on end, and inside my head all i could think was what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck?
Who is this chick?
And then josh says well, the sun's setting.
And she turns to him and says i'm deathly afraid of the dark.
I'd be like then what the fuck are you doing?
Wandering in the woods on you, you gotta go, you gotta go.
Yeah, be careful.
Honestly, he's on another level.
He's like on you, be careful.
He's so like on yeah, like spa, he's on it.
Uh, josh and i look at each other like what the fuck, what the fuck?
I mean, we really had nothing to say, so we were just like uh.
Then, just as suddenly as she came, anya stands up and says thank you for sharing your fire and then walks down the trail like you're well, what the fuck on you.
Again, josh and i look at each other like what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck.
And then Anya was gone.
Nicholas just goes, I'm haunted.
Honestly, they're haunted as well.
That night, we didn't sleep.
We just laid in the tent, holding our knives, listening to every sound, hoping it wasn't Anya.
Holding our knives.
And listening to every sound, hoping it wasn't Anya.
Honestly.
The next morning, we're looking at our map to see where she could have come from or gone to.
Where did you come from?
Where did you go?
Where did you come from?
Anya, you're a ghost.
Black-eyed Anya.
Anya, the ghost.
Especially since she wasn't even wearing shoes.
The town of Rico was 13 miles away by trail and in the direction she left the closest jeep road was like five miles.
So to even get to a remote road, she would have had to walk five miles in the dark with no shoes.
And she's deathly afraid of the dark.
Yeah, and barefoot.
In case you forgot.
So this chick walked a minimum of 18 miles with no shoes in the remote mountains of Colorado.
Yeah.
Even if she made it to the jeep road, it would have been another 11 miles down that road to a paved road.
We thought maybe she had a campsite down the way.
Yeah.
But the next morning we saw no signs of any other human.
Not a footprint, not an ember in a fire ring, not a single sign that Anya had ever actually existed.
It was like she just vanished.
To this day, we believe she was a malicious spirit.
Because we honestly... That is sad.
And bad.
Yeah.
Because we honestly have no other explanations.
There was nowhere she could have gone.
And to this day, her words echo in my head.
If I told you, it wouldn't make any sense.
Yeah.
Maybe she couldn't tell us because she was on drugs.
But I personally...
Maybe.
My arms hurt so bad.
What a valid little left turn.
Maybe she couldn't tell us because she was on drugs.
I don't know.
But I personally believe she was trapped in this area between the realms of the living and the dead.
I think that is what happened.
Yeah, probably.
So that's my story.
Hope you weirdos enjoyed it.
And hopefully me and my BFF will see you at your Denver show as soon as COVID stops being a huge bummer.
Love you, ladies.
Keep it weird, but not so weird, that you wander aimlessly into a super remote mountains with no shoes and freak out poor, unsuspecting backpackers.
Lots of weirdness.
Kelsey.
Kelsey.
Kelsey.
That was a crazy one, and you're funny.
And you will not see us at the Denver show.
Yeah, I was going to let that.
And COVID's going to take a long time.
In fact, it's still here.
From the future, I can tell you it's going to be a while.
Helena, like, just had COVID.
It's going to be a while, yeah.
We're just still up in here getting it.
Yeah, it's never going to go away.
But I think Anya was a ghost.
I think so too but I don't know if she was malicious.
Maybe she was just like I don't know if you would get it because I'm from like planet Zorg.
I think that's probably it.
Maybe she was an alien.
I would have been a little put off by like you don't understand.
Maybe she said like you couldn't understand.
But you're not even giving me a chance.
I know.
You should ask follow-up questions.
Yeah, you should.
You should.
But that's okay.
I forgive you.
I forgive you as well.
So the next one is Listener Tale.
The time a crazy, possibly abusive asshole found my holiday light warm and inviting.
That's the last person you want to find your light.
Don't want that.
Hey, weirdos.
I'd be ecstatic if you used my name.
It's Peyton.
Oh, that's such a cute name.
It's my favorite Celtic.
Peyton, Peyton, Peyton.
Below I have included a 14-point double-spaced puttafa about the time a crazy, possibly abusive asshole found.
Our holiday lights were warm and inviting.
But before we start, I have to get my fangirling out by telling you guys that you're the coolest friends I've ever had.
You're the coolest friend I've ever had.
Even though you haven't known of my existence until now, I pretty much exclusively listen to you guys because something about the pitch of your voices, mixed with the true crime stories and the totally relatable, slightly explicit banter, is the only thing that can hold the focus of my anxiety-ridden ADD mind.
See, Nicole, people like the banter.
Hell yeah.
Just kidding, Nicole.
I love you.
We love you, Nicole.
Also Elena, you've survived more flights than you're aware of, because I've never traveled without at least 20 episodes downloaded.
So my indecisive ass has all of the options while cruising at 35,000 feet.
That actually really helps me.
Thank you.
Yeah.
And Ash, I cannot wait to drool over you and Andrew's wedding photos.
I know whatever dress you choose is going to slay and I can't wait to see it.
Thank you.
You did slay.
You slayed.
Here is the obligatory forewarning that, while my analytical brain has helped me complete two bachelor's degrees in the sciences hell yeah it hasn't left an ounce of room for creative writing, unless it involves human anatomy or spores, mold and fungi.
So bear with me.
I would call that pretty creative.
Yeah, I would say so.
Lastly, this is a long one, but I promise it's worth it.
For a little background.
My husband and I currently live in the Pacific Northwest with our German shepherd Nola, a tribute to New Orleans, Louisiana.
Aww.
Because that's where your girl is originally from.
Elena, every time you talk about your love for New Orleans I get all 14-year-old girl in the 90s at a Hilary Duff concert excited, because I can totally relate.
I love that.
That's another reason you need to watch Interview with a Vampire.
That's true.
It's literally NOLA.
That's right.
Because I love that book.
It's a new thing in this room.
Everybody's watching Interview with a Vampire.
So good.
Now I got to watch it because I loved the book.
Oh, so good.
My husband, we'll call him C for the privacy of his job, is a Green Beret in the Army.
Damn.
Now for those unfamiliar with military life.
Green Berets can be compared to the Navy SEALs of the Army, except on land.
In other words, he's a total badass, but I may be a little biased and proud.
No, you have a right to be proud.
And he gets to wear a fashion statement.
That's true.
Let me take you back to...
I come and go.
He said, you know what?
Maybe I'll be back.
He was in a place of like the 80s.
Karma Chameleon.
There you go.
I come and go.
Nicholas comes and goes.
He comes and goes.
I like that.
That was really quick.
Thank you.
It took me a second and then it really hit.
He was in a place of like raspberry beret over there instead of green beret.
He's a Prince fan.
So we're going to take you back in time to a weeknight about five days before Christmas.
And we were just lounging on our couch at 9 pm, you know, watching murder documentaries to wind down, so we can have a long, peaceful sleep, feeling totally safe and dreaming of sunny days and flower fields.
And to be like that.
There's a knock at the door and we both look at each other like what did you order that requires me to talk to someone in person at 9 o'clock at night?
Because honestly, the best thing that came out of 2020 was contactless delivery.
Oh my god.
Preach.
Honestly.
Nola starts alert barking, as if she wouldn't immediately roll on her back for belly rubs for whoever is on the other side of the door.
That's like Dolores.
It's important to note that, because C leaves for work for months at a time and I'm a true crime lover I have this house locked up like Fort Knox sensors on every door and window, motion detectors inside and outside the house, curtains on all windows and a panic button next to the bed.
But we don't have outdoor cameras.
What?
So, because the curtains are pulled, there's no way to see who's at the door, unless we were going to creepily peek through the curtains.
Gotta get you a ring camera.
Which would be the sensible thing to do, but I don't want the person that showed up to my house at night uninvited to think I'm rude.
I wait for C to get up and see who's there.
Because hello, it's 9pm, so I definitely don't have a bra on.
Relatable.
And when he opens the door, I saw his face change to pure terror as he screamed, the fuck?
Jeez.
Not a full sentence, but hey, words are hard.
On the other side of our front door is a middle-aged male shirtless, with one shoe on, covered in blood from head to belly button.
The first words he said were, the cops are on their way.
I swear I love my wife.
Was your first thought, oh shit, he murders his wife?
Yes.
Ours too.
What the fuck?
C now has his full body behind the door, just with his eyes peeking out as the man continues.
Help, please help.
The cops are on their way.
I just need somewhere to wait.
No.
No.
You need to go somewhere else.
Smart.
The stranger proceeds to give us his full name and address.
Apparently, he lives just down the road.
He says that he and his wife got in a fight and the cops are coming.
I'm like, why'd you choose our door?
Eek.
He continues by saying that he does not want to run.
He just wants to wait in our front yard before they arrive.
C then asks the man, why our house?
That was exactly your question.
To which the stranger replies, the Christmas lights just looked warm and inviting.
Are you fucking, fuck, I gotta turn my lights off.
At this point, C shoots me a look that says, we're never putting Christmas lights up again.
Oh, I would be so fucking angry at this man.
I'd be like, fuck you.
Because that would be Drew's exact response.
Oh.
C assures the stranger that everything will be okay and tells the stranger that they will wait for the cops together.
C steps outside with the stranger and locks the door behind him so that I'm safely secured inside the home.
I married a literal saint.
You did.
The cops arrive shortly after and C tells them everything he knows, as the man continues to sit on our fucking lawn.
I said fucking.
She didn't.
Yeah, get them off your lawn.
The police take over the situation and C comes back inside, where we sit for another hour watching through our window as fire trucks, ambulances and three more police cars arrive.
I would be so pissed off if somebody created a stir in my neighborhood like this at my fucking house.
It's 9 p.m.
My husband, who is not home all the time, is home.
I have no bra on.
We're about to sit down and watch TV.
I'm with my dog.
I probably have a snack.
Yeah.
Just made some tea.
I probably am under blankets.
Probably had like all my cats on me.
And this motherfucker is out here interrupting me.
Yeah.
Yeah.
This motherfucker is interrupting me.
And now I have an entire cops episode happening on my front lawn.
And I can't not watch that.
That's the thing.
Oh, yeah.
That's the other thing.
That's the thing.
But then the next day if you take a walk in your neighborhood, everybody's going to be like what the fuck happened to your house last night.
That's the thing.
And you're like, it wasn't even me.
I didn't even do it.
It wasn't even me.
Good story, though.
But I'd be so mad because it's like you sit down, you want to watch the new episode of Stranger Things and then this is happening outside on your front lawn.
And you're like, well, I have to watch this.
And nothing's happening probably.
It's just cop cars showing up and ambulances.
But you're like, it's bright lights.
I got to watch it.
I'm a human.
That's kind of like.
I mean, at least it's some form of entertainment.
Recently, me and drew watched out watch down.
Hello sat down to watch a tv show and somebody flushed our toilet upstairs and the entire thing started raining through the kitchen ceiling and we were like well, i guess we're not watching righteous gemstones, because we had to turn the electricity off And there was nothing to watch.
So I would prefer this man sitting on my lawn.
Yeah, that is different.
Yeah.
I will say that.
I just know that usually when, like shenanigans happen on your front lawn or like outside of your house and it's just cop cars showing up in the end, you're like why did I sit and watch that?
Yeah.
Nothing really happened.
Nothing ever really happens, but you got to watch in case it's the one time that something does happen.
That's true.
That's very true.
So we're watching as all those things arrive.
Things begin to wrap up and the ambulance takes the man away and the other police officers begin to leave.
We barely catch the last officer before he gets in his patrol car.
Like, hey, is everything okay?
Are we safe?
Is the wife alive?
To which he replies, everything is okay.
Have a good night.
I'd be like, you're leaving my place of residence.
I'm going to need a little more information.
And I'd also be like, do you want to talk to me?
Are we safe?
Are we good?
Yeah.
You got one of the bad ones.
So he said, yeah, it's fine.
Have a good night.
I'd be like, go fuck yourself.
Yeah, exactly.
And drives away.
C and I are left in the doorway like, what the fuck just happened?
Are we safe to go to bed?
Is this man going to come back tonight and go full psycho on our ass?
Do we know too much?
Is he a threat?
We didn't get any sleep that night and not much in the days to follow.
I wouldn't either.
I don't blame you.
Thankfully, our backyard neighbor is an officer in the jurisdiction and he was able to fill us in a few days later.
You gotta have those connects.
It's convenient.
Like, she can't talk to her dad.
Yeah.
And then called the cops himself and said that his wife hit him.
Oh, you motherfucker.
This asshole proceeded to run down the street shirtless, with one shoe, in 25 degree Pacific Northwest weather, and picked our house, assuming that he looked like a victim and we would corroborate his story.
But he was sorely disappointed when he knocked on the door of a green beret whose entire life is training to differentiate threats from sincerity and could see that he was a lying piece of shit.
That was not a victim.
Hell yeah, see.
So there is the story of how my holiday lights invited a crazy asshole over at 9 pm on a weeknight.
Don't worry.
I have since added five outdoor cameras.
Yay.
To complete my Fort Knox system.
And I'm working on a plan on how to convince C to let me decorate again this year.
Oh, he better.
Don't keep it that motherfucking weird.
Don't do it.
Oh, you guys are so cute.
Oh, my God.
Look how adorable you are.
And Nola.
You guys are adorable.
And Nola.
Oh.
Nola.
I'm obsessed.
Nola.
Nola's a star.
What a beautiful family.
And this is Nola who thinks she's terrifying, but she's really just a sound alarm and most cuddly companion of all.
Oh.
I love that.
I love her.
Oh, my God.
You guys are beautiful.
More pictures of how adorable you are.
I love it.
You know what?
One thing I can say about my doshies is that they're the cutest little smushy boofins in the entire world.
They will fuck your shit up.
They'll fuck your shit up.
Yeah.
And they can, like, jump like crazy.
They're.
Blanche has springs in her back.
Yeah, she did it to me excitedly today, but i was like if she was mad at me and did this, she would kill me.
Yeah, truly yeah.
Like john will pretend to tickle me or the girls and blanche forgets all love she has for him and will dive from the other room and bite him.
Yeah yeah, i get it, but only she.
It's like she know they're two girlies so they like they keep an eye out for the men.
Yeah,
Yeah.
It's true.
I think Dolo senses the paranormal because lately she's just barking into our kitchen randomly when there's nothing there.
I like that.
And like I checked the outside cameras, no one's there.
Good for her.
Yeah.
You know, she's in touch.
That's a real good for her moment.
It is.
I like that about her.
So weirdos, Merry Christmas, Happy Chrysler, New Year's and all that stuff.
Next week we're going to be off, but you won't know it, because we're going to be releasing Elena's favorites, like we did the week of Thanksgiving with my favorites.
December, it's Elena's birth month.
It's the holidays, you know.
And it's your fucking birthday.
The high holidays.
Yeah, that's a high holiday.
Oh, high holiday.
Yeah.
So it's her favorites.
And those are going to be good.
And then when we get back, I think Listener Tales have been on a couple different days lately.
But they'll be back to the last Thursday of every month.
Starting in January.
So be there or be square.
Krampus for life.
And we hope you keep listening.
And we hope you keep it weird.
But not so weird that you don't have the happiest holiday season.
Yes.
Woo!
Thank you.
Nicholas said, revolting.
Whoa.
We need that little clip.
Yeah.
Nicholas.
I'm just going to let you talk to him from now on.
I feel like he actually talks to you.
He does.
We just had a moment.
I can do the yes days and you can talk to...
