Hey weirdos, I'm Ash.
And I'm Alayna.
And it's time for a fucking new moon bonus!
Time, fucker!
We've been so excited for this.
I'm fucking lit right now.
It's about to get cuckoo nuts bananas up in this bitch.
It's about, you're about to sit in a chair for four months.
That's what you're about to do.
There is a possibility that you will.
Can I?
Listen, we're just going to jump right in.
Yeah.
At one point, she's looking out that window.
I think it's in October.
And there's just, like, that's her side yard.
Yeah, there's a whole family walking through her yard.
Why?
We are to believe that there are woods right there.
Right there.
They just emerge from the woods.
Where did they come from?
Like, why are they just walking outside of your... I always think that when I see it.
Halloween goes nuts, I guess.
Yeah, we're...
We're talking about New Moon, everybody.
I hope you watched.
I hope you read.
I hope you got the illustrated guide.
I hope you've been on Steffi's website.
I hope you have.
I hope you've done it all.
But the good news is if you've done none of those things, we've done it for you.
Here we are.
Here we are, bitch.
It came out in 2009.
2009.
2009.
This one's directed by Chris Weitz this time, not Catherine Hardwick.
Apparently it was the short production time that got her because she didn't want to have to Like she didn't think she could get the story with script right.
Okay.
Because it was like a year or something.
It was very quick.
It was a real quick turnaround.
Yeah.
So that's interesting.
This one...
We also got, I mean, this one has a banger soundtrack as well.
This, I think of all the movies, this one has my favorite soundtrack.
Really?
Yeah, I think maybe.
I think so, yeah.
I really like the first soundtrack.
I like the second one better, but I do like the first one.
I mean, this one is Death Cab for Cutie.
How can you go wrong?
Tom York.
It's got Muse.
I Belong to You, the New Moon remix.
Remix!
Remix!
That's honestly where it's at.
And then you have the...
It's a possibility.
Was that Licky Lee?
Yeah.
Yep.
And it's called Possibility.
Look it up.
There's also that one, OK Go, I think, Shooting the Moon.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
Loved that song.
That's a good one, too.
Damn.
All right.
We really, we're killing it with this.
And meet me on the equinox by Death Cab for Cutie.
Banger.
So of a time.
Yeah.
It will transport you right back there.
It's a very hipster time.
Oh, yeah.
Of skinny jeans.
The hipster-iest time.
And scarves, like the cloth scarves.
And that one jacket that everybody had.
Yeah.
That one jacket.
I know exactly what jacket you're talking about.
Yeah.
Or like gray sometimes.
Yep.
It could be gray.
It could be green.
Mm-hmm.
But damn.
Went with everything.
Just killing it.
We loved it.
Tom's.
And you know, they seem to have gotten... Bella's hair is really right in this one.
And do you know how much awful-er it's going to get, though?
Yeah.
Her hair's so good in this movie.
Yeah.
The next movie, her hair will get there.
Is everywhere her hair something screaming infidelities.
Her hair is absolutely screaming infidelities and yeah, i don't know, i don't know.
Um, what's interesting to me is, i think alice, doesn't alice's hair look longer than this one?
This one yeah, it does a little bit.
Um, according to the illustrated guide, Hair doesn't grow if you're a vampire, so I'm not really sure how that happened.
Maybe she's just styling it differently.
Maybe.
Maybe.
Who can be sure?
I'm trying to think of... Oh, Rosalie in this one.
Goddess.
Goddess.
She looks amazing.
She honestly...
She looks amazing in every movie.
Her hair looks really good in this one.
It's a wig.
Yeah, it looks great.
But it's a good wig.
It's a great wig.
Like, this one's real good.
And Rosalie's not in it a lot in this one.
But when she's in it, she makes a fucking impact.
Her statement at the end, I was like, ooh.
Yeah.
And we'll talk about it.
Don't worry.
Jasper's hair looks absolutely fucking insane.
Jasper is absolutely fucking insane.
The Confederate soldier's hair looks just outrageous.
Yeah, it has also grown somehow, i don't know.
No no, it didn't.
I'm not really sure.
Couldn't couldn't, couldn't have done it.
Couldn't have done it, won't?
Uh, he looks like a wild animal.
Yeah, very much so um and, and he becomes one, and he does shortly, which makes absolutely no sense.
But we'll talk about that when we get.
We're gonna talk about that as well.
Um, i'm just trying to think of anybody else charlie, charlie looks charlie, looks like a fucking certified snack.
Charlie somehow looks even better.
He does.
Agreed.
I'm like, wow.
Agreed.
Yeah.
When he first walks in, like we'll get to it with the birthday presents.
I was like, hi, Charlie.
Hey.
Hi, dad.
What's up?
What's going on?
Hi, zaddy.
So everybody looks great.
We don't have to really deal with Bella's mom, which is great.
We hate Renee.
Can't stand Renee.
Renee's the worst.
Cannot stand her.
Of course, of course, Bella's having a fucking meltdown.
Crisis.
Yeah.
I think at one point in the book, it's described as a walking coma.
Yeah, it makes sense.
That she's suffering and Renee's nowhere to be found.
Nowhere.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's fine.
She's got her, you know, she's got her minor league baseball player boyfriend, yeah.
So it's pretty serious, phil.
Yeah, there you go, phil.
Uh, we do meet some new folks in this one which maybe we're gonna we're gonna meet the volturi.
I love the volturi.
I too, very much love the volturi.
I love one person in particular and you love one person in particular, and they're a different person, And I absolutely know that everyone knows that I love Arrow so much.
His insane laugh.
Is that in this movie or is that in a later one?
Oh, he does one in this.
He's known to do many.
But there's one.
There's one in a later.
I think it's Breaking Dawn.
It is Breaking Dawn, I think.
I can't.
When we get there.
Elena does a fucking sick impression of it.
It's true.
Sick in every sense of the word.
Yeah.
He's played by Michael Sheen and I think he just eats that role up.
He was made for that.
He really was.
Marcus.
Marcus.
Tortured Marcus, who looks like he's literally shit himself and is like suffering the worst gastrointestinal pain of all time.
He's in such distress.
In the movie, I was like, what the fuck is wrong with that guy?
And here's the thing.
When we get to it, I'll explain who all these people are.
I'll explain their backstories from the illustrated guide once again.
So all these are directly from Stephanie Meyer's own brainium.
Some of them even have conflicting information about themselves within the same paragraph.
So that's fun.
Fun and new.
And we'll get to some of these little...
Some of the little things like, you know, we mention imprinting in this one.
We are going to learn about finally the werewolves in this one.
We didn't really have it going on in Twilight.
We get to see why the Quileute tribe, which is a real tribe, why they have mixed feelings about this whole thing.
And by mixed feelings, we mean, like, aren't really happy about it.
Yeah.
One of the things is they didn't get compensated for the story, essentially.
I mean, they're a massive... They're lore.
One...
Isn't exactly this lore.
Yeah.
It's been twisted a little bit.
And so there's that, which is not great.
Yeah.
And then also the lore is used for a very large part of this story.
And they just kind of saw nothing except for people traipsing around trying to like Get a glimpse.
Yeah, like kind of becoming tourist attractions.
And that's... That's so American.
Not great.
Yeah.
Not great at all.
They did establish, people of the tribe established the Truth vs. Twilight initiative.
It's via the Burke Museum.
Apparently, it's to combat the false part of the narrative.
That's so shitty that they even had to do that.
They just wanted to counter what was right, what was the record straight and what was made up for Twilight.
We'll get into that as well.
The never being compensated thing, I was like, that's a bummer.
That's really shitty.
I'm like, if you're going to make up like this story and this lore and have it involve you know real yeah, a real like, it's like why you should have just made up a whole.
If you completely fictionalize, like meaning fictionalize who these people are, if you're, you know what i mean, because i feel like it's worse to take from real and use the real name yeah, And I mean I am not part of the Quileute tribe, obviously.
So I'm speaking from a totally outsider point of view, just what it looks like to me.
But I don't know.
I feel like I would be a little annoyed by that.
Yeah, probably.
But you can only do what you can do.
Yeah.
And, either way, the werewolf shapeshifter thing does become like a central part of this whole thing, which is what we've been waiting for.
We finally are going to get the true Bella, Jacob and Edward triangle.
It's the beginning right here.
This is where it begins.
Especially the end of this movie, like really heats it up for Eclipse.
And it's just wild.
Because I feel like you couldn't come out of Twilight, the first movie or the first book and truly be like are you team Jacob or are you team Edward?
There was no team.
Well, and you barely saw Jacob.
And Jacob kind of felt like this younger brother-esque thing almost.
He wasn't even on your radar.
And then even in New Moon, it's hard to choose because Edward has just basically dominated the whole thing.
Not only dominated the whole thing, but is it an asshole?
Yeah, in new moon.
Yeah, like no, it's true, it's hard to be team edward in new moon.
Yeah, and you, you do feel like i felt so bad for jacob at times.
Yeah, in this one, because i felt like damn, he just got like full-blown used.
No, he really did.
And he basically says as much at one point.
She's like, yeah, I'm just going to hang out with you because I don't really want to be alone.
Because I'm kind of losing my mind.
You want to vroom vroom on these bikes, Jacob?
You want to go for a ride?
And we'll get to it, obviously.
But then he's basically like, I'm not going to give up.
And I was like, you do have to at some point, though.
When somebody has told you they're not interested.
He can't just keep going.
Well, is it like a weird thing?
Because he, like with the imprinting stuff, like obviously later, when we'll get into that, like when the time comes, but he imprints on Renesmee, who's like Edward and Bella's baby.
An infant.
An infant.
Like I said, we'll get there.
But it's like...
Did something like in him inherently know that that was going to happen?
Like, not like consciously, but that's why he couldn't be rid of Bella?
Or is he just fucking obsessed with her?
No, I think he's just obsessed with her.
I think he's honestly, I think he's like in love with her.
Yes.
He's like very, or like whatever it is.
Infatuated.
Infatuated.
And the problem is, like I said before, like when someone says they're uninterested, you got to move on.
She doesn't really say it.
She kind of like is like, she doesn't say it till the end.
Yeah.
You know, like the end she makes it, it's always going to be him.
I'm going to pick him every time.
Yeah.
That's clear as day.
So that's when it's like, but before that you're like, you need to be a little clearer to him.
Well, that's the thing.
Because you're like nuzzling up on him.
You're like almost kissing him a lot.
You're spending all your days together.
And then you're just kind of being like oh, and it's like just be a little more upfront, like just say no, it's okay, just say like not interested, not gonna be interested from what i remember of the third one, like i feel really bad for jacob in this one because of all that.
But then in the third one you're like okay jacob, fuck you.
Well, that's exactly because it's like in this one they really set you up to be like oh, that poor kid, that poor kid, until it gets to the end.
And then you're kind of like, all right, fuck's going on here.
And then in the third, in eclipse, you're like okay, it's like i'm getting a restraining order, yeah.
And then there's also like edward can be a dick.
It's like this is just toxic shit.
Edward and bella's relationship is the most literally.
This is from this is from the website.
In the description of new moon, stephanie wrote for bella swan.
There is one thing more important than life itself.
Edward cullen, I would like to go on record that, like when I'm a mother, if any fucking lore like this ever emerges in my household, like if I ever find a book that says this shit on the back or anything, if anything like near it, I'll sit my girlies down and be like girls or boys or whoever.
What the fuck is this?
This is so not okay.
Yeah.
Like I think about my mom letting me watch this.
I'm like, did you read this?
That's the thing.
This is so toxic.
I feel like this is like... You know what it is?
It's like, this is like when you read these things as an adult, like these dark romances where, like it's a morally gray love interest and all that, that becomes like appropriate, in a way that you can distinguish that from.
Yes.
Your real life.
You know what I mean?
Because like because like, right now, like I'm reading by the way, I'm reading Phantasma by Kaylee Smith.
I really hope I got.
I think you're right.
Let me just make sure.
I've just seen it on your counter, but I don't know.
Is it right next to me?
Oh, yeah.
I was like, wait, I keep bringing it around with me.
I wanted to make sure I got her name right.
It's Phantasma by Kaylee Smith.
Such a good book.
It's like a horror-esque dark romance.
Really good.
And also like fantasy in there because it's like dark romance-y.
Yeah, and like the love interest is this like phantom named Blackwell who's like very morally gray, but I'm literally like spend the rest of your days with him.
I'm like that's But in real life, John is very much not Blackwell, the phantom who's morally gray.
I can attest to that.
You know, like he's a good guy.
Like it's like when you're an adult, you can sit there and be like, oh, Ophelia, I get it, girl.
And then like you can be like, but I love this man who's a good man.
Right.
But I feel like what you were saying, like there was such young girls reading this.
I thought this was top tier romance.
And this is for this to be where you get your like, oh, this is love.
This is pure.
This man leaving you in the woods in a coma is love.
Coming from like now an adult point of view and a parent point of view, I'm like, fuck.
Abandon me in the woods and run away from me with your whole family so I know it's real.
So I know it's real.
Like what?
What?
Also, how does he get the whole family involved in this?
Everybody has to leave.
Whole ass family.
Like, qua?
And where does everybody go?
So unclear where everybody goes.
Very unclear.
Where does everybody go?
I also... Here's the thing.
And again, we're going to get to it.
But...
During this whole thing, Edward appears to Bella in a vision whenever she's doing some reckless shit.
I don't remember reading this.
I remember that I read this book.
It was years ago.
I didn't remember all the details.
And then I remember seeing the movie not once.
Did I ever know until about 20 minutes ago when Ash informed me that she was not actually seeing?
I thought he was somehow projecting himself.
Because in the books, she only hears him.
She doesn't see him.
And in the movie, obviously, they wanted that visual element.
So they have him appear.
I thought he was really projecting himself.
And I thought that's why he said, don't be reckless.
Because he was like, I don't want to have to project myself.
No, she just knows that he would say that.
But that's why I'm like.
But I get what you're saying because it's not super obvious.
Because I'm like, you set this up so to not be clear.
Yeah.
Well, in her mind, it is very clear.
It's not.
So this is from Stephanie Meyer's like actual website, like the archives.
This is frequently asked questions from New Moon.
Was Edward somehow physically connected to Bella with the whole hearing voices thing?
Or if you're watching the movie, like the seeing him.
Yeah.
She says.
However, I am surprised that people continued to think this after a certain event that made it impossible to believe that Edward was aware of Bella's circumstances.
Can you guess what it was?
Laurent in the meadow.
If Edward had any inkling of the fact that Victoria had returned for Bella, no matter how far away on the planet he was, he would have been back to Forks within 24 hours.
Here's the thing.
That's not that clear.
She was in imminent danger a couple of times.
She got on the back of that motorcycle.
He's watching her do these stupid things.
Or if you think that he is watching.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
That this is him projecting.
If that's what you thought, which is what I thought.
Then it would be like but no, I've seen, If I think he's really appearing, then I've seen him.
Let her do this stupid shit over and over again.
Right.
And it's like...
Who's to say that Laurent isn't bullshitting?
You know, like, to me, that didn't seem very serious when he said it.
I thought he was bullshitting at first.
What?
Like, if I would... Like, Laurent.
Like, I could see him... Oh, that Victoria was back?
Yeah, like I could see, Because he does do kind of like a flipperoo where, like in the first movie in the first book, he like he kind of works with the cullens and like helps warn them, and then he does this like flipperoo where he's just like i don't know, i guess i'll just eat you now, and it's like what the fuck?
Like it does seem a little like you know, like what's going on here, like i guess he's hung vampire clearly, and his eyes are like bright red, so he's clearly hungry, like or has you know he's going, he just doesn't give a wild.
No, you know, but I don't know.
I just, that didn't, I think it didn't hit hard enough for me.
Well, I mean, obviously it didn't hit hard enough for a lot of people because it's a frequently asked question.
Yeah, like you wonder.
I'm like, yeah.
To me.
It just felt like it made more sense to me that there was some kind of like telepathic connection between them.
Yeah.
Where he could project himself into her thoughts or into her space there, especially when it was just a voice.
Yeah.
That made more sense to me.
Thinking now that like she was just literally losing it.
Like literally having delusions.
Auditorily and visually hallucinating him.
Is so much more upsetting.
Well she is like.
Like that's really.
This is sick.
Yeah.
This is sick.
Now that I know that I'm like this is even worse than I thought.
But I mean she tells us on the back of the book there is one thing more important than life itself.
Edward Cullen.
Like that is.
Yeah.
Fizzity fizzity fucked.
Yeah.
Like obviously like people like like you love your children more than life itself or you love like.
That's really the only thing I can think of is that you love your children more than life itself.
They've been together at this point for months.
They're teenagers.
Well, she's a teenager.
They're teenagers.
And I'm also like you've presumably never loved a boy before, like yeah which, of course, when you love someone for the first time, it's so, it is all consuming and it's not to say that like i'm not sitting here, being like what the fuck get over it, like i was a fucking wreck over much bigger losers than edward cullen.
Let me tell you, let's be real, let me tell you, distraught yeah, not this distraught, i got Well, not walking coma distraught and like sitting alone at a lunch table getting on the back of losers' motorcycles.
Jumping off a cliff.
Jumping off a cliff.
I'm sorry.
Screaming in the middle of the night.
That's exactly right.
I would call the doctor.
I'd call someone.
I would absolutely be on the phone with the doctor.
Mom, pick me up.
I'm scared.
Doctor, call in something because this is... We gotta do something about this.
I mean.
Poor Charlie.
Poor Charlie.
But also I'm like, Charlie, call someone.
Who does he call?
A professional.
Who's the professional you even call?
A psychologist, a psychiatrist.
Bring her to the.
I don't know.
The fact that nobody brings her to the hospital.
Yeah.
Is cuckoo nuts.
It is cuckoo nuts.
Like this is obviously this is fiction, but if this was really happening you would be like we have to get you evaluated.
Yeah.
Like something needs to change, change here.
And instead Charlie's like I'm gonna send you back to Arizona because this is not okay yeah, and I'm like I don't think uprooting her and sending her to live to Arizona.
He does say that the mom is also in on that, which makes most sense.
That actually makes a lot of sense.
Come on back, yeah.
Yeah, i'm like you don't even have a permanent address renee, i know, because they're in like jacksonville, i think at that point yeah um, or they were, who knows.
But when we start this whole thing too, this whole thing really relies on age.
Yes, i mean, it starts off.
She harps and harps.
This is an 18 year old girl.
Let me tell you from my aged position over here.
Yeah.
Pissing me off.
Listening to her complain.
When she gets up and is like, do I have a gray hair?
I'm like, go fuck yourself.
Unless you ring me on the horn when you have to buy a box of dye every couple weeks just to make sure you don't look like you know mother, time over here.
Can I tell you something?
Drew didn't know that you dyed your hair.
That is the greatest compliment I've ever heard in my life.
Drew did not know that you dyed your hair.
And then here, I'm outing him fully.
He's going to be so upset.
I go, she gets gray sometimes.
Like, have you not seen that?
And he goes, I just thought that was like her roots.
And I said, well, yeah.
That are gray.
Like if that kept growing, her hair would be gray.
So when it goes away, it's because she dyes it.
And he was like, oh, okay.
We had like an hour long conversation about it.
And then I was like, like we talked about family hair.
I was like, are you all right?
Yeah.
I was like, are you?
And then we talked about, like, how redheads occur in families.
It was crazy.
I'm obsessed with that.
Yeah, I had to bring back the lore of Punnett Squares.
No, I literally was like, do you remember Punnett Squares and, like, recessive traits?
And he was like, kind of.
No, actually, that's probably his exact reaction.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I love that he didn't know.
That honestly just made me feel so good.
I'm like, well, damn.
He had no idea.
We're keeping it looking real here.
So that's good.
Later in the argument, he was like, well, no, like I knew she dyed her hair.
And I was like, no, when this started, you had no idea.
I said, no.
I love that a lot.
Yeah, it was wild.
I love it.
So that's amazing.
But yeah, the whole age thing is a real thing.
They come after four-year-olds in particular later.
They sure do.
I thought Alina was going to yeet her computer across the room.
But it begins with Bella being like an elder.
Yes.
And it's like her and she's having a dream about her and Edward and she's an older woman.
She's an elder and they're in the meadow and he says, happy birthday, Bella.
She's beautiful.
She's a gorgeous woman.
Debbie thought she was Jane Goodall.
Yeah, I was like, damn.
R.I.P.
R.I.P.
But I understand her pissiness here.
Because, like, if my boyfriend is hot and immortal and is never going to age and outright refuses...
To allow me the experience of staying hot and never aging, I'd break up with him.
Yeah.
You're not going to make me age.
Like, that's not something that's going to happen.
You won't do it.
As somebody who has a whole fucking arsenal of skincare right now, trying to make it so that I don't look like a prune in the next few years.
You don't.
If my boyfriend had, if John had venom in his veins that he could just give to me to make it.
So I stop this and I never have to put like I love Metacube but I would never have to do my full Metacube process ever again.
Yeah.
And he was like, no, I won't do that for you.
Leave.
Leave. deal breaker find you there's obviously more vampires out there what the fuck find somebody who will i i asked him recently i was like would you because i was i was like going through this and thinking about it i was like would you do that for me of course he was like of course i would why not i don't that's the that's the big like plot hole here is like why not and i think it's and it's the whole soul fuck that yeah fuck that well like eventually thing well and then by the end of this like spoiler alert he's gonna have to because now the fucking now he has to but he's even trying to get out of it though i know that motherfucker i'm like god damn i would i'd start i'd be sus i'd be like who is it that you have that would be my crazy i know especially it's 18 years old oh put him up he's not put him up he's not changing me into a mortal baddie who's your side who is your immortal old baddie that you will not you're just waiting for me to age out you got a wife am i your side piece what the fuck is going on i'd be pissed i didn't like it uh this is it's her birthday she's turning 18 yeah we see charlie he brings in adorable he's hot little and she she loves purple and he wrapped them in purple oh it was very sweet and he looks so good the first shot of charlie i was like setting us off right yeah Um, she gets, she gets a digital camera and it's like a pink digital camera and it brought me back.
Oh yeah.
I had a blue one.
Oh, I loved it.
Those are the best.
I had a silver one I think.
Remember taking mirror pics with your camera?
Yeah.
They had to be in the picture.
Yep.
And there's another part, when she goes to school and she sees everybody and she goes to take a picture of all of them and she you used like two hands to take a photo.
Yeah.
Cause nobody's hands are that steady.
Yeah.
Yeah.
She does that like mouth thing where she goes... And sucks her bottom lip in.
And she like blinks a lot and holds it up with one hand and just is like...
And when she does it, she makes this face like, oh, this is really hard.
And she snaps that photo with one finger.
And I said, that's blurry.
Yeah.
That's blurry.
No one can tell me that's not blurry.
She also, when they're like, oh, like Bella, it's the big day.
Like, yay.
Like, I'm excited to see you.
She takes that camera and is like, my mom wants me to like make a scrapbook of memories.
So I guess I'll take a couple of pictures of you fucking idiots that I hang out with from time to time.
I don't even fucking like you.
No, it's giving the energy of like you guys are fucking scoundrels and I hate you, but pose for this fucking picture.
Yeah.
She's like, I would never commit your images to film.
No, she wouldn't.
But my mom said I had to.
I was like, are you 18?
Renee wants me to make a fucking scrapbook.
And these people stay being friends with her.
I think it's one of those things.
These are your ride or dies right here.
They are, in fact.
I think it's one of those things, especially for Mike, because you want the girl that doesn't want you.
I guess.
Because she doesn't want anybody.
And that's why everybody wants her.
Including friends.
She doesn't want any of that.
Yeah, it's wild.
Honestly, Jessica is the realest bitch in this entire thing.
And we'll get to her part.
And I remember thinking when I was younger that she was such a bitch.
They set her up to be.
They set her up to be.
They know who they're playing to.
Because you watch it as a younger person.
You're like, oh my god, Jessica.
Why don't you understand what I was going through?
Bella's just deeper.
You're like, oh my god Bella, you're the worst fucking friend ever, and can you just listen to her problems too.
No, of course you won't.
No.
Of course you won't.
And behind her, Edward pulls into the parking lot.
And takes up three spaces.
Thank you!
He parks at least three spaces.
Let me tell you, because I have personal experience with this.
Horizontally.
I went on a date with a guy that did that.
And when he got out of the car and I sat in the car, he had to like run in and do something.
I said, this will be our first and last date.
I will never go out with this man again.
Are you out there?
Ick.
If you're listening right now, do you or someone you love do that?
Do you park across three fucking spaces horizontally like a fucking snickerdoodle asshole?
I had never.
What is that like a snickerdoodle?
Why does he do that?
I don't know.
It's the closest thing.
Do you do that like a snickerdoodle asshole?
You said that with such gusto.
I said is that a thing?
It's a thing now.
It's a snickerdoodle asshole.
I made it up.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I just needed something.
It hits for me, okay?
I thought you were going to say like a motherfucking asshole.
No, like a snickerdoodle asshole.
No.
I just remember like having that experience and being like, yeah, that's looking at it on film.
I don't know how I didn't notice it before because now I watched it.
I know.
I just noticed it too.
And I was like, oh.
Like it immediately was like, oh, God.
I feel like get the fuck back in that car and you park like – you want to pretend you're a human?
Get back in the car and park like a fucking human.
Because it gives like I'm more important than these two other people.
What the –
I'm like, fuck you.
In your Volvo?
Get out of here.
At my school, they would tow you.
Yeah.
They'd fucking take your car away forever.
In my school, they just throw a bunch of bologna on your car.
Go ahead.
At the end of the day, take that off.
Takes the paint right off.
First, she hits us with snickertoodle, asshole.
And then she tells us that at her school, which I went to, by the way, that they would throw bologna at your car.
What is the dark lore there?
Did somebody hurt you?
Nobody did that to me.
What?
I've heard about it, okay?
What?
It's happened.
It's happened.
All right.
Baloney will take the paint right off.
Does school officials do that out here, like making a great day or not?
I'm gonna throw baloney at your car.
I'm just saying i would throw baloney at his car also.
The fact that baloney takes the paint off of car and cars and people still eat it is that should tell you something.
That should tell you something.
It is Also they kiss in this scene and it's porn.
Yeah, because Bella's like, Like, they barely keep it together.
Like, they are so glad for them that they're having that experience every single time they kiss.
Maybe have it at home.
Those are private moments.
Like, not in the middle of the school parking lot.
No.
Because both of them look like, I was like, Do you need a minute?
Like, what?
Those are the noises that they make.
Literally.
It's nuts.
It's frightening.
It is.
And then, so they have their porn kiss.
And then Jacob shows up and is like, Bella!
And he's like, I got a birthday present for you.
She looks over and says, Jacob!
And then she does this hair tuck thing where she's like Like this, very like giddy, like coquettish.
And she literally... goes to tuck her hair behind her ear in that like way.
Yeah.
And then she's like, hello, biceps.
Your tongue was just in your boyfriend's throat.
Actually, it wasn't because she would have passed out had that been the case.
That's very true.
But basically, the idea was there.
It was implied.
And then you turn around, get super giddy about this boy.
Gotta fix your hair immediately.
And then say, hello, biceps.
I can tell you right now.
I don't know that John would be super understanding of this.
No, Drew definitely wouldn't.
Here's the thing.
I do know that John would not be super understanding about this.
I'm like, I know that I wouldn't be super understanding about this.
No.
Had this been flipped around.
I'm barely understandable about like celebrities that Drew has crushes on.
This would not go over well for me.
Absolutely not.
Also, Bella, today's your 18th birthday.
Jacob's 16.
Yeah.
Leave his biceps alone.
Leave his biceps.
Those baby biceps.
That's felonious.
It is.
Now, they run into Alice and Alice is wearing like a paint smock.
Yeah, of course.
As an outfit.
Yeah.
She looks adorable though.
Yeah, she's cute.
Even in the paint smock.
Her hair did grow.
It did.
The whole time they're talking because Alice wants to plan a party for Bella's birthday.
Yeah.
She just wants to have the Cullens.
It's very strange.
Jasper, our Confederate soldier guy back there, he is just losing his.
He's like REM in the back.
He's losing his religion.
He can barely hold it together and no one is bleeding right now.
Here's the other thing.
Like, accidents happen a lot at school.
Like, people get paper cuts pretty frequently.
Kids get into fights sometimes and blood is drawn.
Bloody noses.
Bloody noses.
Periods.
Periods are happening.
Period.
Period.
Yeah.
How does he keep it together?
It's a great question.
And also he does this like mind thing on Bella or like the body calming effect because she says like no fair Jasper.
Oh, yeah.
That's not, it doesn't hold up later.
He can control like the temperature of everybody's mood.
But she's supposed to be like a, have like a force field around her basically.
Yeah.
Remember?
Because later on.
She's got like some kind of block.
Yeah, like when Jane tries to do the thing to her later, it just doesn't work.
And it doesn't work when Arrow does it either.
So why does Jasper?
So why does Jasper?
Unless, and why can Alice see her choices and visions differently?
Yeah.
It's all a little muddy.
Yeah, there is a little muddiness.
There is a little bit.
A little bit.
A little bit.
In class they're watching Romeo and Juliet, because that's a heavy theme in this whole thing as well.
Yeah.
Clearly.
Is the prologue Romeo and Juliet?
Is it?
I can't remember.
I have it next to me, everybody.
I think it was supposed to be, and if it's not, I think it got cut.
Oh, there's like the first page.
Is these violent delights have violent ends and, in their triumph, die like fire and powder which, as they kiss, consume.
When Edward recites Romeo and Juliet, I get it.
I understand.
Here's the thing.
Does nothing for you?
I didn't.
Really?
I don't really.
I think it's the dead-eyed way in which he does it.
Well, he is dead.
And for that, usually I love somebody who looks like they've passed on.
She's got that Nicole Richie type.
Usually I'm for that.
If you've seen that TikTok, you know.
When you're reciting Shakespeare, give me a little something.
Give me a little something behind that.
When you're dead-eyed staring and just like monosyllabically saying it, not doing it for me.
Look at you, fucking five-point word.
Not doing it for me.
I think that I was conditioned to love Edward Cullen.
And I don't want to be unconditioned.
It's just no.
Like I recognize that it's toxic, but I'm here for it.
I also love Edward Cullen.
I mean, I love...
I love and I know everybody knows this if you watch the rewatcher with us and listened along I love a morally gray to just outright vile fictional dude.
So I'm not here to tell anybody.
I'm not here to tell you that you shouldn't like Edward Cullen, because I love Edward Cullen as a character.
It's just that that read didn't do it.
Different strokes for different folks.
I said, give me a little something that's Shakespeare.
Put a little something into it.
I felt what he put in there.
It was that dead-eyed stare I couldn't get past.
But while they're watching Romeo and Juliet in class, before he recites it and he just like casually tells Belle he's like you know that time when you got bit by James and like almost died.
I was just going to kill myself.
And she was like, whoa.
And he was like, I planned it.
I mean, what better time to say it?
Well, and he's literally like, I planned it.
And she's like, you what?
Like, excuse me?
And he's like, yeah, I know.
It's like, it's a little harder for me to do it.
So I was going to go to Italy and I was going to, you know, I was going to like provoke the Volturi into killing me.
Imagine Eve's dropping on their conversation.
That's, you're just sitting in the back of English class.
Yeah.
And also like the Volturi is not supposed to be known to anybody.
No.
So him even telling her that is no bueno.
Him saying that in English class is probably a problem.
Pretty wild.
Probably an issue.
If Arrow heard that, he would laugh so hard and then he would kill you.
Really?
He should.
Yeah.
Have known that.
Because he's like, you're fucking this up.
Yeah.
Well, no, he shouldn't.
He doesn't know that because he has to touch the person before he hears all their thoughts.
But later he touches Edward.
Yeah, but I'm sure that one didn't permeate.
There's millions of thoughts that he's reading, so I'm sure that one didn't permeate.
You would think hearing Volturi.
You would think.
But you know, speaking of the Volturi, he explains the one law that the Volturi really enforces is that they have to keep the existence of vampires a secret.
Right.
And with that, I want to just quickly tell you about the Volturi.
Let's fucking go since we're mentioning them.
Illustrated guide time.
Illustrated guide alert.
So, according to the illustrated guide, they're basically royalty to vampires, which Edward says as much.
There's five core members at this moment.
It's Ero, Caius, Marcus, Sulpicia, which is Ero's wife.
Oh.
Yeah.
Does she ever come back around?
I don't know.
And then there's Athena Dora, which is Caius's wife.
I don't remember her.
Cool if her did not make the wives important.
Yeah, cool.
I don't know if they come later or what.
I don't remember ever seeing their wives.
I don't remember Arrow ever having a wife.
No, I don't either.
Yeah.
Maybe.
I haven't seen.
I haven't watched.
I can't remember.
One.
I haven't read like the.
Haven't seen, i haven't watched, i haven't.
I haven't been there, i haven't consumed at all.
It's been a while.
Yeah, we'll get there because we are gonna do all of them.
We promise you this.
I watched eclipse recently, but i stopped before breaking down.
I haven't watched eclipse in forever.
When i went, like back in october, i did big bang hard and then i fell right off.
See, i only hit one uh, and i started new moon.
I can never just watch.
You can't just watch one.
No, But they have their own city in Italy called Volterra.
That's pretty hot.
And they've secretly controlled it for 3,000 years, so that's pretty sweet.
They pulled a fast one over on the Romanians at some point the Romanian coven because they were super powerful vampires at the time and they tried to get them like they were just beefing for territory.
As people do.
You know, beef for territory.
And they tried to get them to conform to the Volturi law and of course the Romanians were like No bitch.
And so they used that as a reason to kind of like beef harder with them and take over their territory, which they ended up doing.
This is really topical.
It is.
Arrow also likes to create vampires very specifically.
He likes to create them when they have special abilities.
Fun.
It's like an army of very specialized vampires.
Why does he have a boring one?
I think that's just smart.
It's called curating.
Yeah.
Look it up.
Hey.
Have a Pinterest board?
Let's go.
The world is Arrow's Pinterest board, okay?
So he's just looking around.
His pin is... Yeah.
Oh, that's... No, that's Rewatcher.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I forgot.
They don't snarf out their fangs because they don't have fangs.
Oh, fuck.
I forgot that they don't have fangs.
Which, to be honest, doesn't make sense.
I think it's kind of bullshit.
They don't have fangs.
They don't have tattoos.
No bangs either.
They're only white.
Boo.
Yeah.
And in this one, when you see Laurent, they cast this weird pale uh filter a little bit over him i don't know if you noticed it too like they white when they first show him.
He's like paler than he looks and i was like, don't do that.
His skin is gold.
Yeah, because in the first um movie, i mean, there's no filter.
I mean in both movies i think laurent is, he's fine stunning yeah, and but in the first movie, i don't know, it didn't look like it had that pale sheen filter over him.
I'm not, i'm not really sure if it was just like lighting or whatever.
But yeah, so they take over the Romanian territory and Ero loves to create special vampires.
He just wants to make sure the Volturi is like extra badass.
I love that.
So he's like, I want all these specialized things.
The biggest law is to keep vampires a secret.
Of course.
They don't want people knowing.
They use humans as like servants, essentially.
And sometimes they'll turn them, sometimes they'll eat them, as we hear at the end of the movie.
Yes, yes.
One of them is like, oh, does she want to be turned?
That's what Bella says.
And she's like, so she'll be turned.
And then Jane says, or dessert.
And I was like, that's awesome.
I love Jane.
Jane is scary.
We get more of her, I think, in Eclipse and Breaking Dawn.
I love that bitch.
Dakota Fanning ate that shit up.
She eats up every fucking roll.
She really ate that up.
I love her.
There's also.
There's another law that's like, really important to the Volturi.
That doesn't get touched upon here yet, but we'll get to.
It is the making of immortal children.
Oh, yeah.
They don't want that.
That's why Renesmee becomes such a problem.
Big issue.
Yeah.
Which we'll get there.
So the present day Volturi, they have like nine permanent members of the guard.
Apparently, like there's five of like the bigwigs, and then there's nine members of the guard okay, and then there's like a bunch of other members outside of that uh, but there's jane and alex, who are alex excuse me, they're twins um where they were turned because they had special abilities as humans.
Okay, and arrow heard about this.
This is according to the illustrating end.
We'll start again.
Arrow heard about these special abilities when they were like toddlers, like when they were young.
So good, he didn't, so he started like following them around and not just rolling through these streets behind toddlers, just like waiting for them to, to like something to happen.
Catch arrow at your local toys.
He also, he can't make an.
He can't make immortal children.
That's part of the law.
So he couldn't turn them, does no?
So this is interesting.
And I don't know if it gets touched upon in the movies.
I can't remember.
So Jane and Alec, they're twins.
I think they're like around 800 AD is when they existed.
And when they were like 12, as they grew up, they had these abilities, psychic abilities.
Jane has the ability to cause, inflict insane pain on people with just her mind.
So much mass destruction inside.
And Alec, his thing is he can cut off anyone's senses.
Hearing, seeing, smelling, feeling.
That's pretty dope.
He can cut them off like totally.
I thought you were going to say he can cut anyone off.
And I said that's also my special ability.
That's also become mine.
But yeah, he can do that.
So those abilities were not like fully formed.
They were kind of in like a lot of people in their village thought they were weird.
They started freaking people out in their village.
They're twins.
I love these weird dark psych and like they're both kind of like like jane's super, like monotone and like scary yeah, yeah.
So like people in the village started thinking they were witches iconic this is 800 ad.
They burned them at the stake when they were 12 or 13 years old.
Oh, they literally burned.
They got burned at the stake at 12 or 13 years old.
Arrow found out about this and, as they were on the brink of death, he said well, i can save them All right.
So he saved them, turned them into vampires.
That's honorable.
And now he gets to use their special abilities.
And those special abilities, everybody, got amplified when they became vampires.
In vampirehood.
Because...
Alec, while he was being burned, apparently was using his own powers on himself to not feel being burned.
Okay.
And so now he uses those powers to like incapacitate people that they're in battle with, so that it's like an easier kill.
Ah.
And then Jane's just pissed.
Good for her.
She got pissed.
So she's just like, I was burned at the stake.
I'm going to fuck people up.
Yeah, let's go.
So I thought that was pretty cool.
That is pretty cool.
In the Volturi, cloaks determine rank, like the whatever your cloak color is.
It's like Slytherin, Gryffindor, Ravenclaw.
But it's like a rank.
So like the darker cloaks are higher rank.
Okay.
And in the illustrated guide there's a quote from Stephanie Meyer that says, which I found like interesting
She said, there aren't many bad guys in my novels.
Disagree.
I hard disagree.
Even the bad guys usually have a pretty good reason for the way they are.
And some of them come around in the end.
I don't see the world as full of negatives.
James question mark?
James question mark.
Arrow question mark, like which we'll get to jane question.
I mean yeah, like there's some bad guys, i feel like yeah well, You know.
Yeah.
Like, what reasons are we prescribing as valid for hunting someone?
You know?
To each their own.
I guess, like, it's whatever you think is a valid reason for doing it.
Morals are different for everybody.
We do watch.
At the end an entire tour group of men, women and very young children enter the Volturi lair and get slaughtered.
Meh.
Yeah.
So I don't know what reason we would prescribe that.
That would feel right, but... They were dumb.
But again, to each their own.
You know what?
They were too inquisitive of history.
They were silly.
Too in search of knowledge.
Yeah.
Great.
So that was interesting to me.
I guess we can get.
Should we get to Arrow like talking about them now, or should I wait until we meet them?
Probably wait until we meet them.
No, why don't you get into it now because you're already in the military of it all.
Just do the whole thing.
Yeah.
So let's talk about Arrow.
Yeah.
Because we've already talked about him.
That's the thing.
He's got black hair.
He's got red black eyes.
His skin is described as like translucent like a lot of them are.
Because vamp.
Because vamp.
We're also described that way.
She loves, right?
She loves to describe their skin as being like that of the skin of an onion.
Yeah.
I hate that.
Which gives me the most dick.
Ew, so it's like filmy.
That's the thing.
It makes me think like kind of slimy in a way and like membraney.
That's a thing.
Like it gives, I was like, oh, a lot of them are described like that.
Also like, I love peeling onions.
Yeah.
That's what their skin is.
It's like a sunburn.
Ooh.
He's also described as 5'10".
Okay.
Which I was like, he has big dick energy.
He has big guy energy.
Yeah.
5'10", he's pretty tall.
He really does.
Much taller energy.
You're 5'1", so that's really tall to you.
That's tall to me.
Yeah.
It would be.
I don't know if I'm 5'5 or 5'6".
I've really never been able to determine, but... Yeah.
Pretty tall.
5'5 with Brad Nye.
That's me.
Possibly.
Yeah.
He has...
The energy of somebody who's six foot three, I would say.
I would say.
Yeah, at least.
At least a six footer.
Duff.
But his special ability because of course he has one he can touch somebody and he can, like we mentioned earlier, can hear every thought they've ever thought in their entire life.
That's so disturbing.
Which feels like a wild ability to give someone.
I'm like, even the intrusive ones?
Yeah.
Even when I've like wanted, like not wanted to, but been like, you're off the road right now.
Oh, yeah.
Cut your finger off.
I can hear them all.
My question is how, are they cataloged?
Do they just come flying at him?
Does he like have a tab in his head where he can like click and expand one?
Yeah, like how does, are they just coming at him?
Or can he like flip through and be like, I'd like to look at the ones when they were...
18 in this.
Like i'd like to look at the ones from this afternoon.
Like, how do you?
Maybe they all just like they all flood through, but they all hit.
It's pretty wild.
He uses it later and he's pretty effective at it.
But um, the illustrated guide says at one point that he was transformed when he was like 40 okay, and in the same paragraph it says that he was in his mid-20s.
Different, so different, i guess.
Split the difference and say he was 30, maybe.
Okay, i suppose, all right um, he was the last of his coven to form a romantic attachment, which i i'm like that makes sense for arrow.
I feel yeah, like took him a minute, Yeah.
You know?
He's not one to settle.
I mean, if you can hear everybody's every single thought they've ever had, it would take me a minute to settle down as well.
That's true.
You know?
Yeah.
I get that.
Yeah.
He also... He did kill his own sister.
Oh.
Oh.
Yeah.
Oh.
Oh.
So, I think one of the reasons... So, his own sister... I...
I don't know how to say her name.
Spell it for me.
It's spelled kind of wild.
Tell me.
It's D-I-D-Y-M-E.
Diddy Me?
Diddy Me?
I don't know.
Diddy Me.
Diddy Me.
He killed her.
He killed her.
He turned her, and then she became mates with Marcus.
Who looks like he has gastrointestinal issues.
He's the one who looks like he's constantly looking for a bathroom, he's looking for a modium at all times um, and we know why.
Now we'll, we'll get into it, but he's on the count like the altari with him.
Uh, i think they plan to leave together and so he killed her.
I think he also he didn't love she had a special.
I don't think she had like crazy special abilities, so he was like you're not really um, i don't really need your shit, you know.
And about him forming a romantic attachment last, the way that Stephanie Meyer said it was, Arrow decided in advance that he would rather choose a human and create a mate than look for his match in another vampire who might have ties to her own creator or other relationships that would complicate his plans.
I get that.
And I said, honestly, same, King.
I fully get that.
I'd be the same way.
Yeah.
Like if I was a vampire for that many years, I'd be like yeah, I think I'm just going to like choose my own adventure.
100%.
Because that person might have ties to their creator and I don't want to deal with that.
Yeah, sirehood is big.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like I'm for that.
Yeah.
So I get it.
And again, he's the one who discovered Jane and Alec.
So he's the one who did that.
Okay.
Okay.
Now, speaking of Marcus, who is his arrow's sister's mate.
Yes.
Marcus has black hair.
He has red and black eyes.
He was the mate of arrow's sister did me and he never got over her death.
Oh, but he also doesn't know who killed her.
Oh yeah fuck, he doesn't know that it's arrow, that it's his literal like right hand guy and he's been going through like he wants to discover who killed her and so he's just a sad boy, that's.
That's why he feels sad.
Boy looks that way.
He's very bummed, Of course he is.
So when he is sitting there and we'll talk about it at the end when we see him and he just looks fucking tortured.
He is.
He is.
Like he is.
So what's his special power?
So his special power is he can see the relationships and connections that people have with each other.
Which I said, so can people with eyes.
Yeah.
Okay.
Special, I guess.
Apparently, in like a big situation with like a big group of people, he can pick out the leader or he can sense like a bond between certain people.
So he's just a people person.
He can also see when bonds are weak.
He's an empath.
That's just being around people.
He's an empath yeah yeah, he's just like a uber empath.
He's got a good gut, so he's there.
Aside from the gas, aside from the, the modium yes uh, so that's marcus.
So he's just really sad.
See, i feel like arrow probably would have killed him, but arrow probably finds like joy and knowing that he killed his sister, who was marcus's wife, and now he can just watch him be miserable.
Yeah, you know, my guy arrow, that's what he's all about.
Otherwise, that's not a super useful skill no, But maybe it's kind of useful because it's like you can tell when things I think he can tell fast.
So I think he can look over at somebody and be like, oh, that bond's not that strong.
Or like, if some people are pretending to have a strong bond, he can be like nah, like that shit isn't real.
Or like he can tell like fakery or he can tell these two actually care about each other a lot.
They're not saying it, but like you could exploit that.
All right.
You know, so I guess that could be part of it.
Caius, who is played by Jamie Campbell Bauer, aka everybody.
Look at that.
Uh, he is one of these guys.
He's, he has white hair, he has the red black eyes.
He, his special power is just being a hater.
Love love, in fact.
Arrow literally says that he was impressed by his quote.
Passionate capacity to hate.
I get it.
Batman's a Gemini.
Yeah, he's Beckner, essentially.
He is Beckner.
I don't know anything about Beckner.
He's so good at holding a grudge, just professional.
He owns a grudgery.
He owns a grudgery.
Let's go.
He hates werewolves.
He hates them.
He wants them eradicated.
Doesn't see a need for them at all.
But the ones that he hunted were different from the Quileute tribe.
Okay.
He hunted werewolves that were actually called the Children of the Moon.
Obsessed.
And I guess they are real bonafide werewolves where the Quileute tribe are shapeshifters.
Okay.
And can choose when to transition into a werewolf.
Sort of.
But the children of the moon, full moon hits, werewolf.
Like, they don't get a choice.
All right.
Like, they're the werewolves that you think of.
You know what I mean?
Like, the classic werewolves.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That don't have a choice.
Every full moon, they're just going to turn into a werewolf.
Buffy.
Yeah.
Got it.
So he was hunting those ones.
I guess we'll stay tuned and see how he feels about the Quileute tribe.
Yeah, probably not good.
I'm going to say this guy holds a grudge.
I don't think he's going to like them.
I'm obsessed with that special power.
Yeah.
We already talked about Alec and Jane.
There is a point in the book where Jane walks in and Arrow's so happy to see her and he walks up to her and is like oh my God girl, and he just kisses her right on the mouth.
I want to be clear with you that Jane canonically is 12 and Arrow canonically is either 40 or mid-20s.
Either way, not good.
Not legal.
She couldn't be kissing a 12-year-old on the lips.
No, no.
And she says like, she says like, hello, master, when that happens.
So there's a lot there to unpack.
There's a lot there to shove into a corner.
So much to shove into a corner.
So we're going to shove that into a corner right now because we're not, we're not quite there.
So that's the Volturi of it all.
We're going to get to that.
That's a whole thing.
And we'll get to the Quileutes a little more when we get to that part, I think.
So Edward has this whole plan where he was going to kill himself and he's just casually dropping that in English 101.
Yeah.
And she's just like, whoa, that's crazy.
Don't do that.
And he's like, all right, I guess not.
Cool.
And they just talk about how they're obsessed with each other and they can't live without each other.
Obsessed with you.
Very, very much.
Like a lot.
Yeah. a lot of pressure on each other.
Sort of like a trauma bomb.
They both are putting a lot of pressure on each other.
Yeah.
You guys have only been together for like a few months.
So then we get to the Cullen house.
The party is happening.
At one point she goes down there.
It's real pretty.
They did a great job.
Lots of flowers.
The cake is the ugliest thing I've ever seen in my fucking life.
Yeah.
It's green and white and I hate it.
But I think Bella would love it.
Yeah, because she has horrible taste.
I think they nailed that for her.
Well, Alice's style is also questionable.
But Alice just gets Bella, too.
She does.
She's like, she will love this.
It's so gross.
Alice also runs up to her when she walks downstairs, takes a picture of her with the digital camera and says I got this out of your bag.
I hope you don't mind.
And I said, I would be like, I so much do.
I mind.
Like, why?
I'd literally be like, we should walk over here and talk about boundaries.
Are you a klepto?
Because none of you have any.
And that's weird.
You can't just go with my bag and get my birthday present out and use it.
You can't.
Just ask me.
You know I have a camera, obviously.
So it's like, just say, can I use the camera real quick?
She knew that she would say no.
Bella doesn't like being in pictures.
Rosalie is the appropriate level of bitch that I want from a hot vampire.
Yes.
Like I was thinking that as this scene happened, because she's like undoubtedly a wildly hot vampire.
Like she is the apex.
Chef's kiss.
And when you see her in this scene, you're like, oh, I would fucking hate it if you were nice.
Yeah.
I would hate it.
If she was kind and welcoming, I'd be like, bleh.
She is the appropriate level of bitch.
She's uninterested.
She's annoyed that she has to be there.
She tells her what the birthday gift is.
Oh, my God.
Alice just hands her a box and is like, you first, Rosalie.
And Rosalie's like, it's a necklace.
Alice picked it out.
I didn't get this for you.
I said...
She said, I didn't get this for you and I won't give you the joy of surprise.
It's a necklace.
No, don't even fucking open it.
Fuck you.
Who gives a shit?
Like, I just loved it.
I said, oh, I love her.
Then we have the whole Bella cuts herself.
A little paper cut.
Jasper just loses it.
Okay.
I would like to come in here.
Yeah.
She gets a paper cut.
Mm-hmm.
Jasper was there in the first movie.
When we are to believe that Bella has like opened up her femoral artery and it is leaking everywhere and like hemorrhaging all over the place,
Sure was.
And Jasper's in the background helping them fight off James.
Unbothered.
How can he not handle a paper cut when her femoral artery was hemorrhaging?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hello?
Did they mention at all like that, like after she passed out, Jasper had to be like taken out of the room.
Yeah, I do think they say that.
But, like... But, like, you didn't... He stays in the room for a little bit.
He was able to be distracted.
Yeah.
With something.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's the main problem.
He was distracted with the James of it all.
And I actually don't even know if they say it in the movie.
I think you're right.
I think they mentioned it in the books.
Yeah, because I feel like all of a sudden that just popped into my head.
I was like, am I making that up?
They definitely mentioned it in the book.
I'm almost positive.
I think they do that.
To explain it.
As the smallest way of explaining this, because I think otherwise it doesn't make sense at all.
But even still, it really doesn't hold up.
No, his reaction...
To that little of blood.
And, like, the immediate reaction.
And that they can't stop him.
Right.
Like, he yeets everybody around.
And Edward straight up launches, like... Out of a cannon.
Like a t-shirt gun.
Launches... Not a t-shirt gun.
Like launches bella into a table into a glass table yeah, and it shatters the shit out of her arm.
The paper cut was one thing, but then she just opened up her arm so she's bleeding everywhere now the whole place is just sitting there like snarling at her.
Also, is she taking like three baby aspirin a day?
I hope so.
She's a bleeder.
Yeah, but like whenever like that paper cut, it was like i was like you're on a blood thinner.
Yeah, i was like damn, like what's going on?
Baby girl, calm down hello, calm down, babe.
But yeah, it's pretty crazy.
Yeah, it's nice.
And after Jasper tries to kill her and you know like Carlisle fixes her up and everything and they have a discussion about Edward's soul.
Edward is such a dick and kind of just disappears after this.
Like can't handle the fact that she's a human.
That that's what could have happened.
Blah blah, blah.
In the book he comes over at one point to watch ESPN with Charlie and have like bonding time with him okay, and like basically ignores bella the whole time and like isn't very like she's trying to like still ignore her.
It's very weird.
I'd be like why did you come to my house to ignore me, you douche?
Yeah, during this whole thing she's doing her scrapbooking thing because remember, my mom wants me to take pictures and do a scrapbook.
I don't care about any of you, And she has a picture from the birthday party of her and Edward.
Yeah.
And she folds herself out of the picture.
Reckless.
And then tapes just him in there.
And I was like, this is so damaging to young girls to watch.
You don't matter.
You don't matter.
It's all about your man.
You're disgusting.
He's perfect.
So just crop yourself out of it.
You shouldn't actually even exist in physical photo form.
Like, what the fuck?
Yeah.
Bella should be seeing a psychiatrist.
Yeah.
And then when the Cullens stop going to school because remember when Edward is sad, they all have to stop.
Everyone shuts down their life.
Which honestly I'd be like, yeah, gets out all the time because why the fuck am I going to school?
Why am I going to 6000 gajillion years old?
Why am i going to high school for the 85th time in a row?
I think we have enough graduation caps as a joke, even though that that art piece is pretty rad.
But they, when they stop coming to school like they show bella just sitting there like staring at their table at the lunch table and her friends around her are all like goofing around, making each other laugh and shit at each other.
You're just watching this and you're like as a young girl watching this, It's like this is what you should be doing.
You should be goofing around with your friends, having fun, talking about silly shit.
And you are so deeply entrenched.
In this one person.
It's like exactly what, it's exactly what I don't want for my daughters.
Is somebody to be this, for them to be this entrenched in a person this young.
This movie.
And miss out on everything they should be doing.
We will show them the outtakes as a cautionary tale.
I will show them this as a cautionary, and be like, you can't be like this.
Like don't let somebody consume you.
And we'll end it with the screams in the night.
Yeah.
Not the proposal.
That's how you will end.
Yeah.
Now, this is when she goes home and Edward is just creeping.
First, he steals the picture.
He's in a room and he steals the picture.
So fucked up.
Yeah.
And then he's just creepy.
He doesn't even leave a picture of himself.
No.
And then he's just creeping in her fucking driveway.
And he says...
You want to take a walk with me real quick?
And the way he says it, my true crime brain said, nope, you're not going in the woods with that man.
Also the way he said you want to just take a quick walk with me for a minute in the woods.
With how you've been acting and how you just said that.
No, sir.
Why does he take her into the woods to do what he's about to do?
I am still asking that question to this day.
Take her to her house.
You are at her house.
Make sure Charlie's home.
Yeah, do it.
Sit on the front steps and do it so she can just go inside.
Why do you have to be in the woods if you didn't want to be in the house because you know you're going to be a shithead?
Yeah, sit on the front steps, sit in her car, tell her And then wait for her to go inside so you know she's got somebody.
Like sit in the back of her truck.
This motherfucker left her in the middle of Forks, Washington woods.
The fact that he makes her do a hike before breaking up with her, volatile.
And the way they hike far in.
Vast woods.
And the most cutting thing he says to her is I'm just sorry I let this go for so long.
Oh, for some reason.
That one, just because he's pretending that he doesn't give a shit.
Yeah, he doesn't actually like her.
Yep, it's a little too easy for him to pretend it is he.
And when he said i'm just sorry that i let this go on for so for some reason, that would have gutted me.
But you said it's worse than the book because it sounds that makes you sound pathetic.
Like it's literally like.
I'm sorry that.
I just like let you think i liked you for that long.
Like it's like.
And then she also in the movie she's like I'll go with you.
And he goes, I don't want you.
Yep.
I'm like, damn.
Ouch.
It's so diabolical.
In the book, it's even... You read it to me earlier and I almost cried.
It's a rough one.
It hit me.
So in the book, he says, don't worry, you're human.
Your memory is no more than a sieve.
Time heals all wounds for your kind.
And she says, and your memories?
And he says, well...
I won't forget, but my kind were very easily distracted.
And then he smiles.
He says.
I said, fuck you.
I'm sorry, what?
I'll think of you from time to time and then I'll distract myself.
But I'll just be distracted.
Easily.
Easily.
Ouch.
And during all this in the book, because I noticed in the movie, when he says like promise me something, she doesn't say like yes, I will.
She's just like in shock.
Yeah.
In the book, when he says promise me something, she says anything.
So as he's sitting there being like... Don't promise a man anything in the woods.
Well, and when he's telling you I don't give a fuck about you, like I actually don't like you, I don't want to be with you, but promise me something.
If you respond, anything.
What?
Yeah, girly.
Like, what the fuck?
Girly mama.
It's rough in the book.
It's rough.
Yeah, that's brutal.
And it's rough in the movie, but it's rough in the book.
So that whole thing.
She gets left in the middle of the fucking woods after she tries to run after him.
She's like, Edward!
And then she runs after him.
She actually says it exactly.
Edward!
Edward!
Edward, wait!
And then she just falls down and just lays down, which is like... Can I just say something?
Heartbreaking.
Oh.
It is.
She just lays on the ground and cries.
It's so sad.
It's so pathetic.
It is, but you're just like, you have no basis of any relationship.
And you have very like.
Her mom is a wreck, is an absent.
Yeah, like she's.
Obviously it's not like charlie and charlie, especially in the book charlie absent like just not.
She has.
No, she does no concept of like what real love is.
No, and this is just like earth shattering to her, that like the thing she thought was love isn't that.
Yeah, it's so sad, it is pathetic, but it's like you look at it and you're just like, damn it's, It's horrible.
Because you also, you forget, because to me she comes off so young in this.
Yeah.
Like it's like 15, 16.
But she's literally 18.
And then you're like, oh, you just turned 18.
Yeah.
Like, damn, get up.
Yeah.
Get up, bitch.
Go about your life.
Get up.
You got to shift at Newton's.
Yeah.
And Sam finds her in the woods and his wolf form.
Sam is one of the Quileute tribe.
You skipped over the fact though, that they literally had to send a fucking search party out for her.
They think she's dead.
Edward left her so far in the woods and she passes out.
Both of them are so just fucking reckless that they have to get a search party involved.
Like Charlie literally has to become like chief of homicide in that moment and like find her.
And it's like the Quileute tribe are obviously helping because they're friends with Charlie and they can like sniff out the woods.
Yes.
And so there Sam, who ends up being the alpha of the tribe, we will learn.
He finds her and picks her up and brings her back.
Just emerges out of the woods with her.
Just shirtless and jorts out of the woods.
Can you imagine being Charlie in that moment?
Not jorts carrying my daughter out of the woods.
Not abjorts.
He was probably like, my life was so simple.
Go back.
Go back to Arizona, Bella.
Like so simple before you came.
He says, give me a call.
Now I'm like sitting here having to watch a man in jorts with no shirt on.
Carry you out of the woods.
A couple months ago you fell down a flight of stairs, fell through a fucking plate glass window, came back with a fucking bite scar on your arm that moves by the way that shifts.
It's crazy.
Local legend is that your boyfriend's a fucking vampire.
This is when we get our, it's a possibility.
And we just circle around her.
Months.
And in the book she does the thing where she has blank pages with just the month on it, which I think is a really clever.
It's a good way of doing it.
I remember watching this and just, like as a child, sobbing, ugly, titanic ugly tears.
I said, I loved you.
And there's random trick-or-treaters in your yard.
People are trespassing on your property, Boa.
Call the police.
Oh, wait, your dad's a police chief.
It's so fucked.
She's in the same pair of sweatpants.
And she's just staring dead-eyed outside.
It's awful.
And the camera just, like, spins around her.
And I'm sorry, but are we to believe that she just sits there for months?
Like, does she get up?
You see little bits of her getting up, but like sitting and just staring off into the distance, Charlie trying to.
I'm like does she miss four months of school?
Like, what the fuck?
And like then we get the screaming nightmares where she wakes up in the middle of the night just screaming bloody murder.
The screaming nightmares are where, as a parent, I would draw the fucking line.
That's when you, you gotta get professionals yeah, you gotta get some help, like when this is because there's a part, there's a part where where charlie, poor charlie, poor charlie, it's just trying to, he's trying to do the dad thing or the parent thing really, and at night, one of the greatest things you'll ever have as a parent is when you just fall asleep on that couch and upstairs because it's been a long day, and then you wake up at some unknown time and you're like oh, i gotta get upstairs, but he's falling asleep in front of the TV and she just starts screaming in her sleep.
And he like jumps up and is like, and like goes to walk upstairs.
And I was like, She's 18.
Yeah.
Move out.
He probably was like, what?
I thought this ended in elementary school.
No.
Like nightmares.
It doesn't.
Nope.
Not with Bella.
Nope.
Not with Bella.
Not with Bella Swan.
She's going to bring you right back.
She said, you thought you could sit in front of the TV.
It's crazy.
And then she's just sitting alone at the Cullen's lunch table, which I think is- Diabolical.
So far beyond the realm of like, I would literally, this is when-
I said, Bella needs a fucking Capricorn friend at that table.
A reality check.
Who will sit there for maybe a day and watch that bitch sit at that empty table.
The next day, I would get up.
I would walk over there and I'd say, listen.
Get your ass up.
Listen, sniffles either not sniffle.
Get over it and come sit at their fucking table, don't?
This is stupid.
Or get the fuck out of my eyeline while you're doing it, because this is dumb, because also i'm not watching you sit there and mope at their table.
That's insane.
I can't imagine watching my friend do this after dating this guy for a few months.
That's the other thing, like that's the biggest thing.
This isn't years.
It's crazy.
And it's the table.
The table just gets me because I'm also like, that's attention seeking.
Next thing you know, she walks in wearing a pea coat.
That's attention.
Literally.
She buys a Volvo.
She just starts triple parking.
She walks in with a bag of eggs and plays a carrot like the kazoo at the table.
Like this.
She alternates between a paint smock and a peacoat.
She starts like, you know, bringing someone in that's supposed to be her brother but isn't.
Oh, man.
But yeah, it's attention seeking at this point because it's in public.
It is.
And you're literally doing that for the whole cafeteria to wonder what's wrong with you.
But then somebody will walk up to you, no doubt, and say, hey, you okay?
And you'll say, please don't ask me about this.
It's private.
Yeah.
Even though you're sitting in public.
She's that girl who goes on Facebook and says, I'm going through a really bad time right now.
Don't PM.
Please don't pry.
Please.
Please don't pry.
This is private.
Please allow my privacy during this trying time.
Allow my privacy.
Yeah.
It's ridiculous.
So at one point, Charlie says, it's just not normal, this behavior.
And that's facts.
Quite frankly, it's scaring the hell out of me.
And I said, preach, Charlie.
Preach, Charlie.
It's scaring us as viewers.
I said, yes.
I said, I'm scared about this fictional character's state of being.
So she's like, don't worry, Dad.
Because he's like, I think you should just get the fuck out of here.
That's the thing.
He's like i called your mom, you gotta get the fuck out.
And he's like i just want to fall asleep in front of the tv again.
I miss espn, i just miss it.
And she's like no, it's cool, i'm fine, this is my home now.
I love forks, i'm not leaving.
And he's like awesome.
Can we also point out that, like in the middle of like his daughter, like screaming in the middle of the night and just being a general walking coma person, he's also dealing with all these weird attacks?
Yeah.
And, like, whatever else is on his police docket.
Yeah, like, people are getting eaten.
Hikers are getting eaten.
Too much.
So he's like, uh-oh.
Weird prints in the woods.
Yeah.
And so she's like, don't worry about it.
She's like, I'm going to go shopping with Jessica.
I'm going to have a girl tonight.
And he's like okay like, he's like shopping.
He literally is like buy lots of shit yeah, bye.
And so she calls jessica and i love it because she's like hey jessica, it's bella yeah, bella swan.
And when i was first watching i was like what?
And then i'm like oh, i hope jessica was being a complete bella, bella who i don't know?
Bella and bella's like being such a dick that she's like Bella Swan.
You don't remember me?
Like she's that in her own like, it's me, Bella, I'm in here.
Come on.
But this is a classic Bella is not like the other girls.
She likes combat movies.
She doesn't like shopping.
She doesn't like this.
She's like, oh, okay, we get it.
Jessica, however, is hilarious.
I love her.
I think she's a girl's girl personally.
Remember, last movie, when Mike asked her to the dance, she asked Bella if it was okay.
When she's known Mike since she was in preschool.
And Bella just showed up four minutes ago and she's asking Bella for permission, even though Bella has no interest in him.
But she's like, is it weird?
I don't know.
Yeah, you know what?
That's girl's girl behavior.
That's girl's girl.
And to even honestly like to even go out with bella when she's been displaying such a dick like.
We only got to see her in the cafeteria.
Imagine that bitch.
And yes, exactly.
And she's like when she has to look at slides it must be next level.
I'm saying she goes through a whole thing about because they saw a zombie movie and she's like and jessica's take on it.
She's like leprosy is not a joke.
Yeah, she's like i.
I have a cousin who has leprosy, it's not funny.
It's not funny.
And then she's like is it supposed to be consumerism?
Because, like, whatever.
Like, and she goes through this whole thing.
Like, are you so... Some girls love shopping.
Like, you're so pleased with your own self-referential shit.
And I was like, Jessica's got it.
She gets it.
Like, she's on it.
She gets it.
She would be fun to hang out with.
She would.
I'd be like, let's talk about zombie movies.
Let's go.
But as she's talking about this, she's like, and, you know, like, your depressing thing.
Like, I get it.
But, like...
I have shit going on too.
And then she goes, I have stuff going on too.
And she starts saying, Mike said he just wants to be friends.
Which is hard.
Yeah.
She's also going through a breakup.
This is the point of the conversation, when you hear her start to say Mike said he just wants to be friends, that Bella checks out.
Literally checks out.
You only hear Jessica say that fading out.
But you can see that she's still talking.
Oh, yeah.
She's saying it.
She's like, and she's still talking about it as Bella is looking at these bikers over there.
As soon as this conversation went away from something bella about bella or what she's interested in, she went whoop.
She didn't give a shit about jessica's problem.
She didn't want to hear jessica being like hey, mike said he just wants to be friends and i'm bummed about it.
Yeah, and like can i talk?
No, only bella can be going through a breakup right now is going through.
Bella's problem is bigger.
Bella has narcissistic tendencies up the wazoo.
I told you she's baby girl she, she's baby girlified, so baby girl here.
And that was so egregious.
I was like are you kidding me?
Couldn't care less about anyone else's problems.
It happens again too.
But the way i would assume in this moment that bella has just fucking lost it because she has the way she walks towards these bikers and jessica's literally like are you good?
Like what's going on?
She just abandons jessica In a seedy part of town.
In a seedy part of town.
Leaves her by herself.
Gets on the... She walks up to this biker who like... Wait.
She actually... First she starts walking up and then she stops.
And she's like, oh, I thought I knew that.
Turns around.
Turns around.
Walks back.
Stops.
Walks around again.
I'm like, what are you doing?
I feel like those bikers would be like, no, thank you.
Yeah.
I'd be like, something's going on here.
You're more cuckoo than I. You're having a moment.
Yeah.
But she walks up to this one.
He's like, hey, girl.
I'm surprised he wasn't like, are you the feds?
He literally bites the way he bites.
He literally is like.
What's up?
Like, he just... It's not for me.
It's not for me.
I was screaming.
I was like, good for you for giving it a shot, man.
It's not for me.
The lip bite kills me.
He's literally like... Ew.
Stop.
Stop.
Stop.
She keeps doing it.
Want to get on the bike?
No, I don't.
And I was like, no.
And they're not wearing helmets.
This is also not in the book.
No.
So in the book, she doesn't go with... She sees them, but she doesn't go with them because Edward...
Tells her to stop.
She leaves with Jessica.
Right.
Like right away.
Right.
Like doesn't go on the bike ride.
So that would have been boring.
So she goes on that bike ride.
She's like, well, what a rush.
And Jessica's like, you're going to be more of a fucking pain in the ass.
And that's when she saw Edward because Edward was like, hey, stop, turn around.
And she's like, no.
Yeah.
Now, she now is excited about this because she's like, ooh, I can see Edward when I do dumb shit.
I can put myself in life-threatening situations and then I will hallucinate my boyfriend, who left me in the middle of the woods.
Also again.
With his entire family.
Yes, such a wild thing for young kids, like young girls especially, to be reading or witnessing.
Yeah, it's her doing the dumbest shit because again, it's not quite clear whether she's really seeing or hearing edward or not.
They should have spiced this up a little more and yeah, made it ya, because this being ya is dangerous, as fuck it is.
I'm not gonna be reading, like when i have children, i will be reading every book that they read.
Yeah, just to make sure, because beforehand the themes are just like This is not good.
It explains so much about who I used to be.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, it's definitely.
And again, we're looking at it from like an adult perspective.
Yeah.
Young people would eat this up like we did.
Like we did.
So she finds these two like scrap bikes and she brings them to Jacob to fix for free so she can see her boyfriend again.
Mm-hmm.
Like really take that one in.
She also.
Jacob, who is like very clearly infatuated with her from the moment he lays eyes on her again.
She brings him junk and says, can you fix these bikes for me for free?
And she's doing this so that she can see her boyfriend who abandoned her in the woods again.
Yeah.
Yep.
She also.
I don't know if this is in the straight up movie or if it's the extended cut, but like some guy stops by with those bikes beforehand, like before throwing them out, and Charlie's like what are you doing?
Oh yeah.
And Charlie's like, she knows how Charlie feels about this too.
Like he doesn't want people on motorcycles.
And she's like I'm going to get on a motorcycle and I'm going to.
I'm gonna make jake fix it for me.
Yeah, i'm gonna make charlie worry about me.
Yeah, i don't give a fuck about jessica and i'm abandoning all my other friends except for jake.
It's all.
And the only reason i'm friends with jake is because he can offer me this service exactly and like make me feel good every now, and me being in his presence makes him feel like there's a chance.
So if i can do that, i can get what i want out of it, and i get a little bit.
I'm like damn Yeah, you fucking asshole.
This is the moment, though, where we say, Bella, where the hell have you been, loca?
Which is a fucking wild life.
Masterpiece is what you meant.
A wild life.
It's not in the book.
This was specifically for the movie.
I need to know who wrote that in.
And I need to high five them someday.
It might have been Catherine Hardwicke.
I don't know.
Or no, wasn't it a different?
Or no, yeah, this was another one.
Well, I would like to high five this man.
Yeah, whoever did this.
They start talking about like age again.
It comes up again.
Age is like a heavy ass theme.
And he says something like, he says, what are you like 40 now?
Which I was like, okay.
That didn't even bother me.
I was like, whatever.
But then she goes, I feel like it.
And I was like, what does it feel like, Bella?
Because I feel fucking great.
I feel better than you've ever felt.
You, watching this movie, I'm like, you're 18 years old.
You're in far dire streets than I am, bitch.
Okay?
I feel footloose and fancy free compared to you.
You said I'm doing my Metacube masks and what do you know about it?
I feel better than you, Bella.
I listen to soft jazz in the morning.
What do you do?
On an old-timey radio, you fucking twat.
What do you do?
What do you mean you feel 40?
Doesn't sound like it.
I'll kill you.
You sound like a whiny little 18-year-old is what you sound like.
Pow, right in the kisser.
And then she's sitting there with him while he's fixing the bike and she turns off the radio and she's like I don't really like music anymore.
Pick me, pick me, pick me.
Shut the fuck up.
Pick me, pick me, pick me.
Like that kind of shit.
I'm like, stop it.
Yeah.
It's also a good song.
I think that's like when it's like, you don't like music anymore.
Too bad.
You're in his garage and he's fixing your shit for you.
So if he wants to listen to music, sorry, baby.
Yeah.
Like it's not your place.
That's your bikes on your own.
You don't have to listen.
You can live in a blobby world with no music at your on your own turn.
Grip, you were sitting in that chair listening to licky lee for months, exactly for months, months.
Bella, and then later i love it because she comes home and charlie's like hey, like he's not coming back edward.
So he's literally like i don't know, maybe settle for jacob, like that's essentially what he said and he wasn't, does he say?
He says you gotta love what's good for you sometimes.
So he's literally like I don't know, try to like him.
I'm like, whoa.
We are setting up really, really bad shit here.
When they're driving.
At one point, Jake and Bella they see Sam and like a few of the other tribe members.
Yeah.
And they were like Jake's friends.
But now they're not.
But now they're all of a sudden super buff, shirtless.
And only hanging out with Sam.
And he calls Sam like a cult leader.
Yep.
And he's like, yeah.
And you can tell like it annoys Jake.
Yeah.
I don't know because he doesn't know what it's about yet.
But Sam is actually the alpha.
So that's what's happening here.
Jake's a late bloomer.
He is a late bloomer.
And why don't I talk about kind of the lore with this now?
So they are shapeshifters.
They can phase by choice.
Right.
But they.
In order to be a Quileute tribe member in this movie that phases like transforms, you have to be able to trace a direct bloodline to the original shapeshifter.
Okay.
Not all of them can shapeshift.
Makes sense.
A lot of them are men.
There's only one woman who is shapeshifted.
That's Leah Clearwater.
We'll get to her.
You'll get a lot more of her in the third book, i believe.
Third yeah, if not the next one.
Yeah um, i actually don't know if she's an eclipse or if she doesn't come until i thought she was.
I don't remember, i can't remember.
Yeah um, but apparently and i thought this was interesting there's a, there's a window of time where the transformation can happen.
Okay, if you're going to transform And like it's this small window of time when, like puberty essentially happens,
And you will only transform if you are in proximity to a vampire.
Yeah.
Like your first transformation will not happen at all if you never come in contact with a vampire.
That is actually very interesting to me.
I think that's cool.
It is.
It's interesting.
So if you don't sniff around a vampire at any point in that transformation window, you will never phase.
You won't know that you had that.
So I wonder if that's like part of the reason why Jacob hates vampires.
Edward so much.
Because he knows it's like partially his fault.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Because the reason that, like all of a sudden, there was this huge like out burst of people transferring is because the Cullens came, which became a proximity thing.
And now all these kids are suddenly popping up and phasing because they're in proximity.
And now all their window of transformation has happened all at once.
So it's like they're all popping up.
Which is interesting.
So werewolves are like super fast, like crazy fast, can outrun a car, all that shit.
Not a vampire.
Not a vampire though.
Because they're fast.
Because they're fast.
Whatever.
Their eyesight is 10 times sharper than a human's eyesight.
To them, vampires look like a walking crystal, essentially.
That's kind of cool.
They look like angley and weird yeah always, or just after they become a werewolf.
I'm not really sure what.
If, like when jacob first met edward he was like, he was like a angular bitch.
He looks like a picasso, like an early picasso, but just sparkly.
That's what i picture, like long head, it's like a walking picasso painting with like all the features in different ways and like super angled.
And yeah, i'm picturing like um gumpy, but like sharp, like gumpy.
This guy, I think he was always a pen.
He was always a pen?
Gumby, right?
What's going on?
Yeah, Gumby.
What's happened?
Gumby.
Oh, Gumby.
Gumby.
When you said he was always a pen?
Yeah.
There was pens at him.
Oh, okay.
You know what I'm saying?
I was thinking Gumby when you brought him up, but then you said the pen thing and it threw me off.
You never saw a Gumby pen?
No, I don't think.
You were like, he was always a pen.
I was like, he was not a pen.
Maybe he wasn't.
I don't think he was.
Maybe I just feel.
I'm sure somebody has a Gumby pen.
Yeah, for sure.
Maybe not.
Because I'm looking at Google Images right now and there's not a one.
And you literally said he was always a pen.
That's why I was like, oh, that's not Gumby.
Like, what?
This is Gumby.
So...
So the pack, the Quileute like werewolves pack.
Yes, yes.
They share a group mind so they can hear each other's thoughts.
Okay.
Which becomes a real problem for Leah being the only woman in the pack later.
Oh, doll.
We will get there.
Don't worry.
When we get to her situation, you will feel all the feelings.
Justice for Leah.
Yeah.
They also like you had, they have to obey the alpha.
They don't have a choice.
They heal really quickly.
Once they transform, like once their first phase happens, their aging will speed up until they reach the age of 25, and then they stop aging.
Obsessed.
Yeah.
So they'll get like, they'll quickly get older, but stay at 25.
So that would be a problem even if she was with Jake and there's nothing he could even do about it.
Yeah.
Cause he'll stop aging.
Wow.
Yeah.
That's interesting.
I don't remember.
I didn't even remember that.
Yeah.
They do mention imprinting and new moon obviously becomes a problem.
Yeah.
Later.
Yeah.
What it is is apparently being unconditionally tied to a member of the opposite sex.
Always the opposite sex.
Homophobic.
So you cannot...
That's literally homophobic.
That really is.
Because it specifically says opposite sex.
And apparently once you see the object of the imprinting that, you don't know that's going to happen.
But once you come upon the person you're going to imprint on, you will do anything to please and protect that person.
Upsetting.
All other commitments in his life, like the werewolf's life, are secondary.
Even commitment to the pack.
Everything becomes secondary to that person.
Interesting.
The werewolf will completely transform everything about themselves to become what that person needs or wants.
So they will abandon any individuality or any preferences or any choice to become whatever that person wants.
That's wicked healthy.
I'm like, bitch, you have created the most fucked up relationship.
Toxic.
Toxic as all hell.
They will give up everything.
Just to be with that person.
The power dynamic.
They will also be forced into being like around everything that that person loves.
So if they have to, by no choice of their own, like the people that that person likes, like everything about it.
That could get so crazy.
Yeah.
And it said, according to the illustrated guide...
If the human is young that they're imprinting on the werewolf becomes the perfect platonic playmate and protector.
Putting platonic and playmate in the same sentence is diabolical.
As the human ages and changes, the werewolf instinctively switches roles to fulfill the human's needs.
So grooming.
Yeah.
Okay.
So the whole Renesmee thing, when everybody's like, oh my God, it's not that big a deal.
It's a big deal.
It is a huge deal.
He's waiting.
It's the biggest deal.
This motherfucker is waiting in wait.
It's literally grooming.
Until she becomes age appropriate.
It's involuntary grooming.
Meets her as an infant.
Can't wait for her to become age appropriate.
That is so beyond fucked up.
But can and will wait.
Will wait.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like I just read a story to the girls the other night called It Came From the Sky.
That's a great book.
You need to read it.
It's so fun.
And it says in it, nobody is more patient than a spider.
And I beg to differ.
I didn't know, when you said I read a book to the girls the other night, what journey you were going to take me on.
Nobody is more patient than a werewolf who is imprinted.
Yeah.
Just saying uh, my brain right now is like yeah, it's like you know, when you shake up one of those bottles and you make a tornado, that's my brain right now.
Yeah, i just wrote what, what?
Why would you volunteer?
Like i'm sorry yeah, stuff.
No, i'm not like trying to fight you or anything.
I'm not Steph, I'm not trying to come at you bro, but why would you voluntarily tell us this and make this lore?
This was voluntary.
You didn't have to.
You didn't have to.
It's like voluntarily telling us that Jasper's a Confederate soldier.
It's weird.
I don't need any of this.
I don't need it.
But yeah, so that's that.
All right.
The Quileutes and the vampires, or the Cullens, excuse me specifically have a treaty that happened a long time ago.
Okay.
That was like, I think it was like Jacob's like great-great-grandfather who started this whole, like it's one of his family members.
Descendants or ascendants.
They did this, yeah, they did this treaty with Carlisle because Carlisle's a billion years old.
And so their whole treaty was that they were going to leave each other alone.
Yeah.
Oh, I remember what we saw in the first movie, the little flashback.
The Cullens had to promise not to hurt humans and hunt them, and they had to promise to stay off of Quileute land.
How weird is that, that Edward met Jacob's great-great-grandfather?
I know, isn't that crazy?
Yes.
That's why he's like, boy, little bitch.
Boy.
Little bitch.
Get out of here.
Hey, son.
But like, Jacob is of the generation that Bella is.
Yeah.
So technically, yeah, it goes too far.
You can't think on it too much.
It'll break your brain.
Yeah, you can't marinate in that too much or it's going to get rotten.
How many generations older is Edward than Bella?
Wow.
Who can be sure?
Probably somebody.
Somebody on an online form.
I'm sure.
But at some point, Bella jumps on one of those bikes that she made Jacob fix for her.
Oh, doesn't she get like thrown into a rock?
She does.
And when she begins to start the bike, Edward appears and puts his hand on her hand in vision form.
And he just goes, stop.
Stop.
And the way he's like.
I feel like that's silly.
But she crashes, and Jacob comes to her rescue.
Also, she crashes, and she gets internal bleeding, and I will not be told otherwise.
She flies against that rock, like, really, really hard.
And she sits up and says, I want to go again, but her mouth says something different.
Yes.
I can't tell what it was.
And then she looks up at Jacob and says, you're sort of beautiful.
And I need to stand in honesty right now.
That's a killer line.
Yeah.
A killer line to say to somebody.
I was unaware of Bella's like potential to have game.
Because that was like a real, you're sort of beautiful.
Because like he is.
It's a killer line and also somewhat of a read, because she could just look up at him and be like you're beautiful.
But I think she was literally just being like holy shit, like I'm looking at you right now, this close for the first time, like she's.
I think that was supposed.
That's part of the game is you're being a little like, a little coy and being like you're sort of beautiful.
This sort of would take me out.
I'd be like oh, back in the day, wow.
A memory just infiltrated my brain back in the day.
It used to be this thing on facebook where it'd be like, like and i'll rate you and like, say a fact about you, And people would like each other's statuses.
And then on your Facebook page, they would rate you from 1 to 10.
So it's kind of like being called an 8 when somebody calls you sort of beautiful.
That's how Facebook began.
Is Mark Zuckerberg thinking he had any fucking ground to stand on to rate another human being?
Can you imagine?
Looking from his fucking goblin ass point of view.
He did that voluntarily.
Yeah.
You're sort of beautiful.
I think it's the way she's not saying it like you're sort of beautiful, like that's not how that's coming out somebody looking deep into you.
I mean like you're sort of beautiful.
It would be like at that age you'd be like wow, well.
And also like he loves jacob is like, excuse me, also jake, and also he is sort of beautiful, like that's just, that's like i was like damn, that really hit girl.
Yeah, You were like dang Bella.
Where the hell have you been loca?
I did.
I said, where the hell have you been, loca?
Where did that come from?
But the whole thing is like people have been seeing bears in the area.
We were talking about it earlier.
Charlie's been trying to figure out who it is.
Hikers are getting attacked.
What they think are bears.
Hikers have died, like a few of them.
They're actually werewolves that they're seeing, but it's something else that's killing people and hurting people.
Yes.
But people are seeing the werewolves and thinking they have something to do with it.
Yep.
Yeah.
Rachel Lefebvre, I think it is.
Gorge.
Unreal.
She was iconic in this role.
I'm sorry.
Bryce Dallas Howard is great.
She's a great actress.
And she's beautiful.
Rachel ate this role up.
She's scary.
She is.
Genuinely scary in this one.
She's got this like look in her eye.
Oh, she's so good.
That Bryce Dallas Howard just doesn't like deliver the same.
And we're going to get to the, my favorite scene in the entire movie in a minute.
But Bella like, so I think like her friends at lunch are talking about this and Angela thinks she saw one of the bears.
Bella finally joins them at lunch again, just walks over out of nowhere and sits with them and they're all like what the fuck?
They're also just like such good people because they're just like, okay, like sit down, crazy bitch.
That's okay, crazy bitch.
Just sit down.
They're just like, all right, here you are again.
And Mike takes this as an opportunity to ask her out.
Which isn't Jessica like right there.
Yeah.
That's when I'm like, Mike, shut up.
Yeah, it's not very nice.
Also, the way he says this, I actually took a recording of it.
No, you didn't.
Because this would make me fly into orbit.
Oh, gosh.
So this is what he says when she walks back to the thing.
When he says gotta get that protein in there like pokes her, I would say respectfully, I must leave.
He essentially just spoon-fed choo-chooed you.
He essentially just said, open up, choo-choo.
I said, oh, you're about to ask her out after that?
I would crawl under the lunch table and never emerge. watching it, I said, oh, Mike, no.
It's the... You said that so carefully.
Oh, Mike, no.
Eric should have literally said that.
Oh, Mike, no.
It's the way his voice, like... Yuck!
That's how you talk to a little kid.
Yuck!
They're like, get that protein.
And she's just like, okay.
And she agrees to go with him.
And he's like, you want to go to a movie?
And there's a romantic comedy that we could see.
And I love it because she literally goes, she goes, um...
Do you know like face punch?
It's called face punch.
And she's like, I would love to see face punch.
And she's like, everyone, do you want to see face punch with us?
Face punch?
Want to?
And they're all like, punch face.
Let's go.
And I was like, poor Mike.
He's just.
But I was like you cooked your own fucking chicken there with You cooked your own protein.
You cooked your own protein there with your... Get that protein in there.
Oh, God.
Kill me.
And...
Lucky for him, almost, is that everybody gets sick and can't go.
Jessica just bails, which also I was like, yeah, no shit.
Of course you did.
Because before we go to this scene, Jessica goes, movie night with Bella.
Yeah. she's like i could think of 70 things i'd rather do correct reaction jessica because you know she's like are you fucking kidding me yeah you've abandoned me in the streets yeah and we were dating again for a couple months like that she likes mike she just watched mike ask bella out yeah and she's like yeah no i don't want to go on your date with you thank you so much no movie night with bella I love her.
But everybody's sick.
Nobody can come.
And so it's just Jacob and Mike.
Horrible.
Jacob is trying.
Of course it's just Jacob and Mike.
Of course it is.
Because all of the boys, something about Bella's milkshake brings them to the yard.
Brings them all to the yard.
And they're like, it's better than yours.
Yeah.
And Jessica's like, no, it's not.
She's like, no.
It's actually putrid and rancid.
Yeah.
Jacob's trying to be nice in this scene at first, to be honest.
Doesn't end up that way, but he certainly tries.
When they're both sitting there with their hands open.
I can't.
With the hands.
Oh my God.
I went on a date with a guy that did that once and I literally wanted to like stab my eyes out.
You know, John tells a funny story.
I don't remember this, but maybe it wasn't traumatizing for me.
It was traumatizing for him.
So maybe that's why it's burning.
We went one of our first dates.
We went to a movie theater where you could bring the armrest up.
He lifted the armrest up.
I slammed it back down.
Why did you do that?
I don't remember doing it.
It was involuntary.
I think it was just like in the stage.
I said, absolutely not.
You said, don't touch me, I'm sterile.
And he will tell you to this day that he remembers it vividly.
Of course he does.
He wakes up at 3 a.m. and thinks about it.
Holy shit.
It turned out all right for my thing.
Yeah, three kids and a marriage later.
So I feel like we're okay.
Damn, bitch.
I'm like, damn, like 20 years later?
That's reckless.
He still will be like, I remember that.
I felt that sting.
That's reckless.
I don't know.
It must have been instinctually.
I was just like, no, man.
Something crazy runs in our family, because before me and Drew's first kiss, I literally said fuck you.
Wow.
Yeah, so.
Damn.
See, I was very scarred from my last relationship, so I think I was like, don't touch me.
Get away.
I love it.
That's so sad.
Just slammed it right back down.
I can literally picture John in that moment just being like.
He was just like, oh.
Like just laser eye focus down at the floor.
He took it very well, apparently, because I didn't even know it happened.
Well, you know what?
Like you said, it worked.
It worked out.
That's so reckless.
But also Mike really reads Jacob for filth when he says, are you even old enough to see this movie?
Especially because Jacob's response is not, yes, I am.
It's Bella bought my ticket.
And I said, this got weird.
Yeah.
This got weird fast.
Yeah.
And I'd like to be let out.
I would like to go.
Let me out on this corner.
I want to be out.
Yeah, the hands up thing is so weird.
Upsetting.
This is when, like, you know, Mike gets sick.
He gets the flu that everybody has, which I don't think anybody was appropriately stressed out about that, to be honest.
When you're that age.
As soon as somebody is like I think I have the norovirus, I'm like well, I guess this is curtains for me.
Actually, please don't even say that in front of me.
No.
And they have a whole discussion, Jacob and Bella, while Mike's puking in the bathroom.
And he says, I'm not going to give up.
And her response is, I don't want you to, but it's because I don't want you to go anywhere.
And that's selfish.
And I was like, there are things that are called inside thoughts.
Yeah.
And those are things that you shouldn't say out loud, because they're going to make you feel better to get them out.
They're going to hurt the person you say them to, which is very selfish.
Well, and it's like I don't even know that Jacob is like astute enough in this moment to be hurt by that.
I think he stopped listening at, I don't want you to.
Yeah.
You know, like that.
And that's like you're leading him on.
Yeah.
It's fucked up.
And it's just fucked up to say to someone like I don't want you to stop obsessing over me, but it's only because I don't want you to go anywhere.
What the fuck?
You don't have to be that honest, babe.
No, you don't.
That's not helping anybody.
And we end up like she tries to talk to Jake some more like after this.
First.
Oh, first of all.
Mike comes out of the bathroom looking gray as hell.
And he walks out.
And he's sweating.
He looks so sick.
And he's like, I have to go.
So I have to go home.
That's all he says.
And Jacob looks at him like he's going to fucking kill him.
Jacob says, you rank ass, bitch ass, motherfucking asshole.
Literally.
He's like, do you have a problem?
And Jake's like, yeah, you're my problem.
And then he says like, something about like maybe you need a hospital and maybe I need to put you there.
And he's like, what the fuck?
And so Bella's like, calm down, you're fucking hot.
And not like hot, like, woo, you're spicy.
It's like, no, you're literally hot, like you have a fever.
Yeah.
And I love it because he walks away and Mike goes, he's weird.
And I'd be like, get away from me, influenza.
You were just talking about inside thoughts.
I think that was one of them.
Honestly, I don't have those.
I'm preaching it, but I don't actually practice it.
You do as I say, not as I do.
Yeah.
And this would seem, I think they should have done it.
Because it's seeming, I know it's supposed to be that he's in the middle of transitioning.
So the change, the change is happening.
He's getting his man fees right now.
His werewolf fees right now.
And so it's supposed to be he's like uncontrollably getting angry and he's hot and all that stuff.
But I think they should have at least given Mike like some bit of antagonizing there, like said something that would not normally set someone off, but sets him off like that.
Yeah.
Because it comes out of nowhere to such a degree that while you're watching it you're like why did he do that?
Yeah, why did he get so mad?
Because when you're watching this for the first time or reading it, you don't know the background yet.
Right.
So you don't know what that's all about.
So you're just sitting there being like, is he, what the fuck?
Why did he just get so mad?
Yeah.
So I think it just could have had a little bit of more... Even the smallest bit of antagonism.
Something that could even be taken for innocuous, but has the tinge of antagonizing.
But that's just me being a dick.
No, I got that.
So...
We see that like Bella tries to get a hold of Jacob a bunch.
Can't get a hold of him.
They're claiming he has mono, all that shit.
He's staying away.
It's a long time.
And then she shows up in the fucking pouring rain and he is just jorts.
Just cut off jorts.
A tattoo.
He's jacked.
He's cut his hair.
Thank God.
Um yeah yeah, he cut his hair, he took the wig off.
He's got a tattoo that moves.
By the way yeah, they go yep, they go through a whole thing with you know, and he's saying he can't tell her what's going on, and blah blah, and then he goes.
I used to be tell you a good kid and i said stop.
He said okay, And he's like yeah, I can't tell you what's going on.
And he just runs off in the rain with his other shirtless jorts crew.
Jorts squad.
The jorts squad.
I'm trying to think of another J. Just a jumble of jorts.
Yes.
The jorts jumble.
Yeah, the jumble of jorts off on the little periphery.
To have a jorts jamboree.
So we see her go up to the meadow again where they used to like lay together.
Can you please explain what happens there?
I need you guys she has a vision like she remembers them laying in the middle.
I need you guys to watch this scene, even if you don't watch the whole movie again.
Watch this scene because as they're like panning over edward and bella laying down, bella doesn't have a foot, it's gone and everybody like i saw a couple people on reddit being like no, it's just like like um, her boot cut jeans.
Nope nope, because you can see her other foot yeah her, Her foot is missing.
Her foot is gone.
Her foot is gone.
It is.
It's gone.
Maybe that's supposed to tell you it's a memory.
It's a dream and it's weird.
If it makes you feel better to believe that her boot cut jeans consumed her foot, then you believe that.
But you're wrong.
They didn't.
You're wrong.
They just digitally took her foot out by accident and didn't put it back in.
Yep, and didn't put it back in.
It's pretty funny um, but when she goes up to this meadow, it's no longer that lush meadow, it's all like burned dead.
Um, and laurent shows up and he's hungry he, and he looks great.
He does.
Laurent's gorgeous, as far as i'm concerned, abs for days it is, and just he's beautiful.
He's getting his protein in there.
He is his protein in there, protein in there, protein in there uh, a lot of iron.
And he tells her that basically, victoria is eye for an eye in her.
Edward killed her mate, so she needs to kill edward's mate.
And that's you, buddy.
And then he's like good luck.
He's like are i went to the collins house, didn't see him there, did they visit often?
Or like weird that they left you here.
And edward shows up to tell her like lie.
At one point he says threaten him.
And i was like that's, i would have been like time out.
What do I say?
What threat?
You have to be specific to me.
Because I said earlier, I was like my immediate thought for a threat would be like I'll spit in your eye.
I'll kick you in the shin.
And that's not going to help anybody.
So you need to tell me what threat you want me to use.
But she apparently knows.
I don't even know what you would say.
I think she says, like, Edward will never let that happen.
He'll come back for me.
But that's not convincing.
Because he's like, he wouldn't have left you in the first place.
Yeah, he's like, pretty shitty that he left you here.
And I'm like, yeah, it is pretty shitty, huh?
I'd be like, you know what?
Why don't we sit down and actually we can talk about it?
Because there's a lot of lore to this.
She's like, I would actually love to talk about this.
There was a search party lore on it.
I don't know if you know this, but I sat in a chair for four months.
Yeah.
Do you know Licky Lee?
Licky Lee, whatever.
Possibility, all right.
Do you know that there's a possibility?
I missed four months of school wrong.
It's a possibility.
Trick-or-treaters were in my side yard.
Well, then he's like, you know what?
I'm really hungry, though.
Victoria's probably going to be annoyed at me for eating you, but I think I'm going to And it'll be better.
And it's going to be fun.
Like I'll make it painless.
And she literally stands there and is going to allow him to.
And she's like, I love you, Edward.
And I was like, oh, fucking A. She wants that to be her last words.
I said, really?
Yeah.
He left you.
He left you.
In the woods.
Yeah.
Alone.
Come on.
Grow up.
But there's a wolf there.
I think it's Sam at first.
Yeah.
He like leads the pack.
I think there ends up being three.
I think.
Yeah.
They're all there.
I think.
Yeah.
But they all attack Laurent and that's a series wrap all around.
So she goes and tells Charlie and Harry and they go out hunting.
But this is a big deal because when she tells Charlie and Harry.
Harry Clearwater.
I was going to like morph their names together.
There's no phone on the wall in the cupboards where there is a phone later.
Oops.
Oops.
So, like, maybe they got a landline within this time frame.
Really quickly.
But just so you know that.
Yeah, you just never know.
But she does, she goes back down and, like, they're at Jake's house at one point.
And that's when she discovers that he's a werewolf.
Like, they show her.
Because I think she, like, aggravates, is it Embry?
Or one of the, one of the other one of them actually goes there in the first.
Oh, I think she tries to call him or something.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Something happens where she ends up being like, she pisses one of them off and they phase.
Yeah.
And she runs away from him.
And when she's running, Jake runs out of the house and she's like run jake run jake run, jake run.
It's the way she says.
It is so funny.
She says it like his name is jake run and they, you know, they fight all that.
And then they're walking on the beach and he's explaining things to her because now she's seen it, we missed a part.
So jacob does come to her room.
At one point after this whole like laurent situation, he like shows up because remember, he parkours up to her.
Oh my god, we were saying it would have been so funny if he just went parkour parkour, Parkour.
If you've seen the Office episode where they all parkour and they just keep yelling parkour while hitting things, that's what I think of.
And in this exchange between the two of them, he's saying, I can't tell you.
But think, because I have told you.
And he says, think about when we were walking on the beach when you came to La Push.
And he was like, do you remember what I told you?
And she goes, vampires.
About the cold ones.
And he goes, I guess I understand why that's the only part you remember.
And I said...
You narcissistic motherfucker.
He told you about wolves.
You only heard the part that had anything to do with you or something you were interested in, when he told you the lore of his people, whose land you are currently standing on at La Push.
Yeah.
You checked out?
What the fuck?
She really is so narcissistic.
She's got narcissistic tendencies.
It's like wild.
She just does not hear.
If it has to do with anyone else's shit, she does not give a shit.
She doesn't care.
Also, this is when he like looks at her scar and it has moved.
It has.
Because in the first movie, it's like on the side of her arm.
So it's like on the top and the bottom.
But here it's just on like the inside of her arm.
Yeah.
And also, I'm like, you don't get questions about that more often.
That's what I'm wondering.
Like, that's the only person who flips your arm around?
It's a big bite scar.
It looks like my whole night guard imprinted on my arm.
It's huge.
Like, it's massive.
It is huge.
So it's after this discussion in Bella's bedroom where she's like oh yeah, I remember stuff that appealed to me, but I completely ignored the lore of your people.
Yeah.
I love when Jacob's like, all right, I'm going to go.
He's like, you know what, fuck it.
I'm going to parkour the fuck out of here.
Yeah, he goes parkour and he leaves.
So then that's when we get the scene of her, you know, showing up.
And that's when she like sees that they are werewolves.
Because in the room, he's like, I wish I could tell you.
I literally can't.
I wish you knew how tightly I'm bound to this.
And that's when he says like, I did say it a little bit on the bush.
Yeah, like just on the beach.
And she's like, yeah, I didn't hear that.
On the bush.
On the bush.
On the bushland.
I was thinking La Push and beach at the same time.
I get that.
But this is when she sees it because she slaps one of them.
Yeah, which is rude.
Which is like very violent and strange to do.
Yeah, you can't just go around slapping people.
But she slapped him and he got real mad because he's a wolf now.
And so he was like, and then he turns into a wolf.
Yeah.
And that's when she does the whole... jake run jake run jake run it's the way she said i'm telling you listen to it again it'll it'll hit you different no it's funny um what are the fucking odds that your first boyfriend in high school like to our knowledge is a vampire yeah and then the next boy that you hang out with is a werewolf what are the fucking odds what are the how does someone hit the jackpot like that is what i want to know i just got a dumb human do i wow I know.
Yeah.
I just got a human.
You just called them out.
I mean, like dumb as in like humans are dumb.
He was pretty dumb.
He was not great either.
I was like, I know your first high school boyfriend.
He was pretty dumb.
Mine too.
Mine too.
I think most of us were.
Yeah.
I don't even know where I was going with that.
I just like, what are the odds?
Yeah.
That's the thing.
I, my daughters all like, they can't watch Twilight yet.
They never should.
But we will for a cautionary tale at some point.
And I feel like it is like a, it's like we joke about it, but it's like, it's a rite of passage.
I feel like you gotta, but you just gotta preface it with like, this is wild.
This is toxic.
But for the fun, like romance and vampire and werewolf of it all.
But I was discussing it with John last night.
I was mentioning something about New Moon.
And the girls were like, what is that?
And I was like, oh, remember I like, because I've told them like, oh, there's this movie Twilight.
It's a book.
Someday you'll read it.
It's in the zeitgeist.
It's there.
And so they were like, oh, like, when can we watch that?
And I was like, not for a while.
But I was like, oh, there's this really cool scene with Victoria and the werewolf.
And I was talking about the one that's coming up.
And it's like when Hearing Damage by Tommy York is playing.
It's such a good scene.
And they wanted, they were like, can we watch that scene?
And I was like, so I watched the scene.
I was like, give me a second.
It's not scary, really.
No, it's not scary at all.
But I was like, this is a cool scene.
So I showed it to them.
And all three of them were like, when can we watch them?
And I was like, I know.
I just gave you like, and I was like, the whole movie isn't like that.
But it does have these vibes.
Honestly, I think you said it when we were watching it.
Yeah.
That's the best scene in the entire movie.
I love that.
And it's coming up because.
It's coming up.
It's coming up because right before that happens, like she finds out that Jake's a werewolf.
He changes in front of her.
She's like, holy shit.
He's like this beautiful, like amber colored werewolf.
Amber is the color of his werewolf coat.
Exactly.
And she sings that.
Yeah, she does.
You missed that part.
It's only in the director's cut.
And it's so quick.
You'll miss it.
Uh, you have to like, you have to pause between the the different film slides to get it.
It's actually not even in the director's cut, it's only in special, exclusive cuts that only few, few people yeah, it's only in the cut that i have.
Well, i haven't too actually no, only i do.
Well i, i knew about it first so.
But they go for a walk to discuss his his, his found werewolfness, and Bella says to him can't you find a way to just stop?
And then she says, it's wrong.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
This should be the moment where Jake goes, you know what?
Not worth it.
Not worth it.
Not worth it.
Because what the fuck is, let me get this straight.
And he literally says, he's like, oh, I'm not the right kind of monster for you, you jackass.
That is such a grade A jackass moment.
Shit.
Not for nothing, baby.
But Edward was a fucking human who got bit by a vampire and turned into a vampire.
He's not genetically predispositioned to be a vampire.
He apparently didn't have a choice because Carlisle was saving him and kind of took that choice away from him.
But it's not in his genetic code to be a vampire.
It's not through generations that he became one.
The Quileute tribe, in this instance, the whole thing is you're directly tied to that bloodline.
It's going to happen.
You don't have a choice.
It's happening.
You come across a vampire, boom, you're a wolf.
And it's like to say to someone where this is literally in their blood.
That's wrong.
And not a choice.
I'm like, that's fucking, that sounds homophobic as fuck.
It's racist.
Like to sit there and be like, it's actually, it's speciesist.
She's saying it's a choice.
Yeah, no, she is.
And then it's wrong.
She would love right now.
Oh, it's wrong?
She would love right now.
She would.
She would like, I was like, that is the most fun.
It's weird that they kept that in there, because I was like she became diabolically unlikable in that moment.
Yeah.
Because poor Jake is sitting there.
I can't do anything.
And he also, this is brand new for him, too.
Like, he's heard these legends in his life, but he didn't know that it was going to happen to him.
Exactly.
He's still getting used to it.
It's wrong.
And like one of the first people that ever gets to see this insane, like just wild thing about you.
That's their reaction.
Yeah. is it's wrong you bitch can't you just find a way to is it is it a phase no that's essentially what she's saying to him and i was like you bitch yeah it pissed me off so much i was like what that's the crazy thing you're in love with a vampire it's wrong she's lit and also like she barely asked edward any questions no he said he was a vampire and she was like let's run through those trees bitch not only that he literally said this is the skin of a killer bella and she's He has told her, I want to kill you.
Yeah.
But I won't.
He's literally told her, I am a killer.
And she's like, it's okay, baby.
And then Jacob's like, hey, I'm a fluffy dog and I'm protecting people right now.
And she's like, that's really wrong.
Can't you stop?
Gross.
And then she's like, they don't hurt anyone.
And I'm like... Neither do we.
And also... And also they do hurt people.
They made a choice to not hurt anyone.
Yeah.
But they didn't go through their entire lives doing that.
Facts.
Also, I'm sorry, babe.
They haven't hurt anyone.
Why don't you pull Jasper aside?
Why don't you pull Jasper aside?
The confederate.
Have him look you in the eye.
Oh, wait, he can't.
He'll eat you first.
If you can get him aside...
Ask him.
Ask him if he's hurt anyone.
At least you could get a paper cut in front of Jake.
And he would probably help you out.
What a fucked up reaction.
I was like, Jacob to still be into this after this conversation.
I know.
It's like wild.
It's like the thing we tell kids that we should not tell them is like, oh, she's mean to you.
She likes you.
Because she likes you.
Like, I feel like he thinks that.
He does.
That's not the case.
No.
So that's fucked up.
And even he's like, wow, you're fucked up for saying that.
And we do get a scene where it's Bella deciding what she has to do.
She knows what she has to do, which in her mind is jump off that cliff that all those...
Yeah.
All the other werewolves were jumping off.
Duh.
Because it's going to be a rush and she's going to get to see Edward again.
And she said that's the only way which I was like.
I feel like you've seen him enough up to this point that you could do about a thousand other things to see him.
Yeah.
That wouldn't include jumping off a 4,000 foot tall cliff.
Here's my biggest issue.
It's not even the 4,000 foot tall cliff.
Why does she jump in all of her clothing?
Mm-hmm.
Why does she, she jumps in with her converse on.
Yeah.
Why?
Why do that?
Why not?
Why jump in with your little jacket that you always, why?
Oh no, she took the jacket off.
Did she take her jacket off?
Did she take her converse off or did she jump in converse first?
I don't think she did.
I think she took her, she jumped in converse.
I can't.
I can't.
I just don't get why, like you, watched werewolves, which are supernatural beings with supernatural healing abilities,
Who run hot.
Who run hot, jump off of that and survive.
And you said, I probably can too.
Yeah.
It'll probably be the same for me.
Well, and also, like, did she think that?
Because you've been hallucinating.
There's been a lot of stuff happening right now that I just don't think you're in your Your right mind.
Your complete, clear mind right now to be making smart decisions for yourself, when you think you're seeing Edward, whenever you do something dumb.
Yep.
And that just...
So she's sitting there, like, basically writing an email to Alice.
Which, have we mentioned the emails?
I don't remember.
I don't know if we've mentioned the emails.
If we haven't, I'm sorry.
If we have, I'm sorry.
Bella just, when there was a possibility.
Yes.
During that four-month period she, and during this entire time that Edward's been away, she is sending an email a day, sometimes two emails a day, at the most crazy times of night.
Like, three in the morning, two in the morning.
I paused.
Yeah yeah, i counted 13 when i counted and that was just in like a month or two and they're all being returned.
Yeah, so they're not even making it.
You know that.
You know the mailer, the mailer demon.
Yeah yeah, that demon or demon, i always call it the demon.
It might be the demon, i don't know.
Whatever it is, i'm like when that you don't continue to send no, you don't make the demon daemon work overtime.
Yeah, So she writes her an email.
It's insane.
So she's in the middle of writing her an email, Alice, saying that this is what she has to do.
She knows this is what she has to do.
And we hear that voiceover and her getting ready to go to the cliff.
And we also get this really cool mashup of Victoria, as Charlie and Harry Clearwater and all the guys are looking for this bear, quote unquote, which has now been told.
They've been told it's a wolf by Bella.
Because when she sees it after it attacks Laurent, she lets them know.
They're wolves.
They're wolves.
They're huge.
It is not a bear.
So they're in the woods like searching for them.
They have guns.
They're doing the whole search party.
We see Victoria stalking them in the trees.
She's so fucking cool in this.
She is.
Also, she somehow found hair dye to make that hair really red in this one.
Super vibrant.
Very vibrant.
Love it.
It's wonderful.
But it's just funny that it changed between when she's been like living in the woods. yeah okay i mean it's berries she finds time to like get tone yeah you know um just a what is it a gloss and a little quick gloss you know bleach and tone there you go and we see harry clearwater like covering up wolf tracks as they go because like that's his people And so Victoria at one point grabs Harry Clearwater before he can like shoot her and lifts him up in the air.
And he's like petrified.
And then before she can do anything, a wolf comes and just like T-bones her.
And so Harry falls to the ground.
He's all stressed out.
He ends up having a heart attack.
It's the saddest death because Harry Clearwater is the most adorable man.
And I love him.
I would lay down my life for Harry Clearwater.
It made me so sad.
And what happens in the book is you?
We've mentioned Leah Clearwater and her plight, which we will get to, I think.
She has many a plight.
I think the next one, maybe the one after that, it's either Eclipse or the first Breaking Dawn.
But we get to her plight.
One other thing that Stephanie Meyer added onto her plate is that in the book, Harry Clearwater dies from a heart attack because Leah transforms into a wolf in front of him for the first time and he has a heart attack from it.
So she kills her own dad.
It's like, damn, you really did hurt me.
She kills her dad and then she has to listen to her loved one imprint on her cousin.
Yeah, not great.
Rock on.
Not great.
But so Harry has a heart attack and this is when Tom York's hearing damage plays over it.
Perfect song for this.
Perfectly shot.
There's a scene of like Victoria and I think it's Jacob.
I'm pretty sure as a wolf.
Oh, I think you're right.
They are like on opposite sides of a clearing and they do this like face off thing and then they just like lunge at each other.
And she does these cool like slow motion flips in the air and shit.
And Tom, what is it, Tom York?
Yeah.
He has such a cool voice.
And the song is just perfect.
It is.
It gives you chills.
It's such a vibe.
And she's running away from the whole pack of wolves and it's like slow motion.
I can see it in my head right now.
It's a real and they do these overhead shots and everything's really lush and green.
It's like this this scene.
I thought I said if the whole movie was like this.
It would be even better.
Chef's kiss.
Because it's like, I know the romance is part of it.
Yeah.
But if we could tone down some of the melodramatics.
And get a little more action.
And get a little more of like vampires versus wolves, which we get later, I think.
Yeah.
Like that becomes more of a thing when you see like these battles and everything.
It's really fun.
It really is.
So I really love this.
But she gets away by jumping off the cliff.
Right.
And it's like.
Victoria does.
She like swan dives out.
It's gorgeous.
And is it that they can't go in the water because it's like where the tree.
I think it's they chase her to like where the treaty ends.
The treaty is maybe.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because she jumps right into the water.
She like swan dives.
And Jacob is like right after her.
And he has a wolf and he stops on the cliff.
Yeah.
And he's like.
So she jumps in there and then we see Bella get to the top of the cliff.
She jumps in.
As she jumps in... Worst timing.
We see Edward tell her not to.
Like, what the fuck are you doing, girl?
And she's like, this is the only way that I can see you.
And he's like, please don't.
She jumps in anyways.
She gets beat up by some waves because it's like...
Yeah.
Not clear, like clean crystal water.
No, because when she jumps in, it's good.
But then she literally gets fucking smacked in the face.
Yeah.
Barrel rolled.
Like literally like slams into a rock, like slams her head into a rock.
Of course.
And she's just floating underwater, which I guess they weighted her down to get that shot.
Oh.
Like I think they put weights in her pockets so that she could float slowly.
Like that.
That would freak me out.
You see the vision of Edward like opposite her so their heads are next to each other.
When he dissipates.
Because she gets pulled out of the water and she like – Her arm kind of flails.
When she gets barrel rolled, once she like kind of gets her bearings –
She sees Victoria swimming towards her underwater.
The most beautiful fish there ever was.
Literally scariest and most beautiful fish.
That's when she backs up and hits her head into the rock.
Here's my thing with this.
This is an issue.
She can run so fast.
She can't swim just as fast.
I mean, maybe it has something to do with the water.
They didn't tell me that.
Is it in the illustrated guide?
And also she might have just been swimming up on her slow for the fear factor and she didn't know that somebody was going to pull her out.
Maybe.
Because she was backing into the rocks.
She was going to be out cold, so she had all the time in the world to get to her.
Still.
But when she gets pulled out, her hand kind of like floats to the side and then Edward just like dissipates.
Edward Vincent Van Gogh's right out of there.
He does.
It's like Salvador Dali painting.
It just like melts.
But yeah, so she gets, it's Jacob who pulls her out and gives her CPR.
She goes full cross-eyed again.
She also swallows the water instead of spitting it out, which I was like in that case.
I know dry drowning is weird, but she might dry drown later.
Well, and also I was just like, just spit it out.
I think they put that water in your mouth so you could spit it out for effect, not swallow it.
Bella Swan would swallow the water she was drowning on, though.
But she goes cross-eyed again.
And now I'm like, every time she is near death, she goes cross-eyed.
She does such an interesting cross-eye too because it's not both eyes.
It's one of her eyes that crosses.
Yeah.
It's like a... I got to think about it.
Hold on.
This is not a visual podcast, so it doesn't matter.
But I really wanted to give it a shot.
Oh, and when Bella jumps off that cliff, by the way, she barely jumps out.
Oh, that is another thing that pisses me off.
She just steps off.
You're going to die in all the rocks underneath there.
I was like, what the fuck?
No, Jacob gets her home.
And when they pull up, they see Carlisle's car.
And she's like, holy shit.
And he says, like, I can smell them in there.
And she's like, I got to go in there.
And Jacob's begging her not to and saying, like, I can't protect you and all this.
And I think it's at this point that she literally... She just tells him, like...
I don't care.
Like, she's like, I'm doing this.
Like she's being so clear to him and he just Unfortunately, like it's horrible, but she has been from the start.
Like when they were sitting on the.
Was it when they were sitting in the movie theater and she was like yeah, like I don't want you to go away?
Yeah.
And it's like... That's the thing.
It's like, there's a lot of mixed vibes happening here.
It's so mean.
Jacob's young, so I feel like it's like a little...
Uh, but she goes in there and it's Alice who's there and Alice is all upset.
She says she saw a vision of of um Bella jumping off the cliff that she was trying to kill herself.
Like she was like, what the fuck?
And they hug and you know, it's a whole reunion.
And she's like, why the fuck does it smell like wet dog in your house?
Yeah.
And she's like, and Jacob shows up and is like, I had to make sure you were okay.
And Alice and Jacob have this like really tense standoff.
And she at one point they get like into it for a second.
And it's like as soon as Jacob gets upset, he gets very it's he he's not scary.
No.
Which is like not his fault.
No, he's young.
He's a bit big.
I feel like Taylor Lautner, who plays Jacob, has such a kind face.
You know what I mean?
Very much so.
And he has a kind way about him that just like could not make me scared of him.
Yeah.
And so when he says, don't get me upset, things are going to get very...
Very ugly.
And I was like, no, they won't.
They could never.
They can't.
I think if I was Alice, I'd be like, boop.
She basically does.
She's like, yeah, fuck off.
I was like, oh.
Isn't she saying like, we can figure this out when you put the dog out?
Yeah, because she's like, where are you going, Alice?
And she's like, I'm going to let you take the dog out.
And I was like, oh, girl, burn.
That's a read.
But when he said things are going to get very ugly, I said, babe, never.
They could never with you.
They could never get ugly with you.
They're not.
It's wild.
It's next level.
So they end up.
You know jacob and bella are talking, so i think the phone rings.
She goes in the kitchen, the phone rings they, jacob and bella, have a moment where they almost kiss yeah, very close, yeah.
And then the phone rings and he answers.
He's not pleased.
He says swan, you don't need to answer my telephone, she wasn't gonna answer that.
My telephone that is brand new and you can tell he's a little pissed when he answers it and he says she's not, he's not here, he's planning.
And he says he's planning a funeral and hangs up the phone.
Now what he meant there?
Obviously this person asked for charlie.
Charlie is planning a funeral for harry clearwater.
So that is a thing, jacob.
Apparently this is like widely argued yeah, whether he intended to do this or not, he definitely did, in my opinion.
Stephanie meyer says no, here's the thing.
I mean i would trust her because she wrote.
I know, i know, but but here's, here's my reason why i do believe this.
He does not know that the Cullens had any idea of Bella jumping off that cliff to try to like kill herself.
He doesn't know that.
That's true.
He wasn't like, Alice didn't say, I'm here because she tried to kill herself.
Yeah.
He doesn't know that.
That's true.
So him saying that wouldn't make sense, especially because actually, when you put it that way, that's a good point.
It's edward on the phone and he's asking for charlie as well, so i think he's more looking at it like he's trying to get to her through charlie.
Fuck you.
Charlie's planning a funeral, like you piece of shit, like your little love story doesn't matter, somebody died because that's also jacob's family member.
Yeah, yeah.
So, like, Harry Clearwater.
No, that's a good one.
I never even thought of that point, that he doesn't know.
It makes sense that you could take it that way and that if he did have all the information sure, maybe he would have done that.
Yeah, i could absolutely see that, but he didn't have all that information, so it doesn't really make sense that he would have said it that way.
Yeah, i think he was more annoyed that he felt edward was trying to get to bella through charlie yep yep, like trying to.
So he's like fuck you, he's planning a funeral.
Yeah yeah, so that does happen.
We see, on the other end, it's just the worst possible thing he could have said, because bella probably saw it as like, Even though she knows he doesn't have all the information, she's still pissed.
Why didn't you hand me the phone?
That was Edward.
Right.
And we see Edward.
He literally crushes his phone in his hand and he's in a dingy apartment.
He looks at a hot mess.
He's not doing well.
Which also I'm like, what's going on?
Where was everybody?
That's the thing.
I don't think that, I don't remember in the book, because I just watched the movie.
Because they're not home.
Like, I read the book forever ago, but I'm like, do they all go to their separate places?
But then, I don't, I don't know, because somehow, I think he's with Rosalie.
Yeah.
Because Rosalie, or at least is in contact with them.
I mean, which he's not via cell phone.
According to Google.
Google.
Google, you see him.
He's in this apartment.
He's looking out his window.
It's at night.
You can see the christ the redeemer statue in the background okay, so when i saw that, i said that's brazil, that's rio de janeiro.
Okay, like i, or what i believed it was apparently that's where he was.
He traveled alone and he ended up there.
Wait, i feel like i remember that from new york to new york yeah, So apparently this is according He went to Brazil and they went to New York.
Yeah, they did not go together.
Interesting.
I think I actually, now I'm remembering from the book something about Brazil.
Yeah, and it makes sense because you see that statue.
That's a famous statue out the window.
So I remember seeing it and being like, wait a minute.
Oh, so he has to fly to Italy.
Yeah.
Huh.
It's actually so funny because I remember being like it makes no sense that they got to him before in perfect time.
Yeah, I remember thinking that too.
It does make sense because if he's in Brazil and he's flying to Italy, a direct flight is 11 to 13 hours.
And then from Washington to Italy is eight and a half, nine and a half hours.
See, that makes sense.
So it makes sense now.
That makes a lot more sense because I was, there was so many, because I knew he wasn't in Italy.
Yeah, I knew that.
Because I was like, that statue, but I was like.
For some reason and it has nothing to do with the background, for some reason I had it in my head.
He was in Tokyo.
I don't know why.
Yeah, I don't know.
But I guess the rest of them, according to Google.
Were in New York.
They're in New York and Carlisle like got like started, like I guess he like went like taught classes at Cornell for a little while.
Okay.
I don't know.
But how does Rosalie get in touch with Edward then?
I must have called him.
Before he talked to – because what does she say Rosalie said?
So I think it's that Rosalie said that – because I'm assuming – Rosalie told him about the vision and that's why he calls.
Okay.
That's why he calls to like really check.
And when he heard he's planning a funeral, he was like, holy shit, it really happened.
There we go.
Wow.
And he was like, I got to go.
I don't know why my brain just like –
No, it is.
It's a little confusing.
Because it's telephone.
And in the book.
In the movie I don't think they're clear about where the rest of the In the movie they're not.
The family went.
Because in the movie I think he mentions, Charlie says something about like I think it's Charlie who says it.
That like...
Carlisle got a job in L.A. or something.
It's either in the movie or the book.
I can't remember now.
Okay.
It might be in the book.
I think that's the book.
In the book, I think they say, like, he got a job in L.A. and he just had to take it.
So they just up and left.
Up and left.
So, yeah.
So it's very interesting.
There's a lot of moving pieces, which can be a little clunky to understand, but we figured it out.
Here we are.
He crushes his phone, and we see, like, them traveling, you know, now.
And Jacob tries to, like, begs Bella not to go.
Because Alice says he's going to show himself to the Volturi now that he thinks you're dead.
Yeah.
He's going to show up because that was his plan.
Remember before when he thought Bella was dead, he told her his plan.
And now that he has no cell phone, there's no way to tell him, which is why we don't overreact and crush our cell phones into a million pieces.
Exactly.
You need to keep your cell phone on you.
Yeah.
Or at least have an Apple Watch or something.
But yeah, so they're on their way.
Jacob tries to stop her and she's like, I'm leaving.
It's really sad.
And he's really sad.
It's sad.
It's upsetting.
But they go.
They go to Italy.
Alice's driving outfit.
Queen shit.
She looks.
The driving gloves.
Stunning.
She looks wonderful.
Is it Ashley Green?
Yeah.
She is stupid pretty.
Like this one shot of her.
She has like the head wrap on the sunglasses and she's got the driving gloves.
High fashion.
I die.
High fashion.
I want to drive like that.
Also, I don't know.
I think we mentioned it in the first one, but I can't remember if we did or not.
Apparently, Stephanie Meyer's brothers are, like, big car heads.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
So they helped her decide, like, what cars were going to be in the movie and in the books.
Yeah.
Which is, I think that's cute.
That makes sense.
And so she's got to go.
They get to Volterra.
There's a festival going on.
Everybody's in red cloaks and all that shit.
And he went to the Valtteri to say, like, I want to die.
But Ero is like, nah, dude, your gift is like a little too special.
I can't kill you.
Sorry about it.
I can kill my own sister, but not you.
Ero's the best because he's just like, oops.
Sorry you want to die.
Sorry.
That's so tortured.
You could join us, though.
We would love that.
Yeah.
You know, we can't kill you, but be one of us.
And he's like, no, thank you.
And so he just decides that he's going to walk out into the festival and show himself to everyone.
And then the Volturi will have no choice.
And this festival is like all about the day that, like they killed the last vampire, or something like that.
So it's like this is the big thing.
This is not good.
So she gets to him with like seconds to spare.
He's about to walk out of where the Volturi is.
I love that.
He starts to sparkle shirtless.
That's the thing.
I love that his plan is just to sparkle for the people.
Yeah.
Which anybody I feel like anybody would look at that and be like, oh my God, look at that guy with that body glitter.
Where'd you get that?
It's so sparkly.
That would be some crazy.
I'd be like, who's the holographic over there?
Yeah.
I'd be like, that's pretty sick.
Yeah.
I would not be like, whoa.
Vampire.
A creature of the night over there.
But I mean, maybe these people know because they're well-versed in vamps.
They're in Volterra after all.
She runs right through the fountain.
She didn't have to do that.
Go around it.
I don't think.
Water slows you down.
Yeah.
Or you could have just ran along the edge.
That's what I mean.
Yeah, water slows you down.
It bothered me.
That's silly.
But she gets to him right in the last second.
She jumps on him.
A little girl sees him.
He says, heaven.
Which I was like, that's really sweet.
I know.
It is sweet.
Like he thinks he's in heaven.
I know.
And I was like, that's real sweet.
It is.
That moment I was like, oh, okay.
I know.
I'm back to you. your love.
Let's go.
They pull you in every once in a while.
He loves her so much.
He does, even though he left her in the middle of the fort.
Yeah.
Forget about that.
But that happened.
A little girl did see him while he was sparkling.
Yes.
And she was like trying to, she was like tugging on her parents being like look at this fucking sparkling motherfucker over there.
Yep.
But they get in there.
Felix and, I think Dimitri, which are like two of the guards, come over and are like hey, Arrow wants to see you.
And he's like, no, I don't need them anymore.
Like, I'm not looking to kill myself anymore.
And he's like, yeah, that's not what he wants to see you about.
And he's like, yeah, he still wants to see you.
And then Jane appears and she's like, he wants to know why it's taking so long.
And I was like, bitch.
It literally took a second, but okay.
She has this stare.
Dakota Fanning does such a good job of this, like, dead-eyed, like, I'll fucking kill you stare.
I was like, damn.
But they go in.
They see, like, that there's a secretary there that's a human.
And this is when they go in and Bella's like... oh, does she want to become?
And one of, I think it's like Dimitri or Felix is like, so she will become.
And then that's when Jane says, or she'll be dessert.
And they go in there.
We see, you know, we see Marcus just shitting himself to the side there.
He's so tortured.
We, We see Arrow, just my king Arrow.
Yeah, delighted.
We see Caius, that Hayden motherfucker.
Hayden.
Just grudging over there.
Just Hayden everybody.
We see Vecna, the baby Vecna.
And they come in and Arrow, through this whole thing, Arrow discovers that Bella has a block.
She has a block, that she is not affected by their special gifts.
Yep, like arrow can hear everybody's thoughts forever, since they were he like conceived of.
He doesn't with her.
So then he tests out jane.
He has jane, try he first.
He has jane hurt edward, real bad.
And he's on the ground like screaming and bella's like stop it, stop it.
Like, do it to me, do it to me.
She says, do it to me.
And she's like and he's like, all right, give it a try.
And he's like let's see.
And it does nothing.
And Dakota Fanning is so good in this because it's tight on her face while she's doing it.
And she does this little smile, like closed-lip smile, while she's doing it that, like she clearly enjoys doing.
She loves those.
And then when she realizes it's not working, the smile just slowly fades from her mouth.
Like, the emotion work she did so tight on that shot is amazing.
I mean, she's been working since Uptown Girls.
She has, and she's... she's phenomenal she really is and arrow when he sees and she's pissed like she stopped like when she like cuts the connection she's like fucking a and she just like looks at arrow and arrow does his laugh here it's a beautiful laugh It's a laugh for the ages.
It's a laugh for all of us.
It is.
In fact, if I was there, I think I would laugh with him.
You must.
Just because I'd be like, yeah.
That's fun.
So fun.
Sounds like a giggly time.
It really sounds like a giggly time.
So shit goes down at this point because I think it's, I think Felix is like the big macho man.
Hulking guard that just like is the muscle here.
Yeah.
He can throw you through marble like it's nobody's business.
A fight breaks out.
Felix slams Edward into the porcelain floor.
Yeah.
And his skin cracks like porcelain.
I thought that was such a cool effect.
It is.
Like, because...
The whole lore of vampires is they are like porcelain.
Yeah.
And that whole lore of like.
When they fuck.
It probably sounds like porcelain dishes flaming against each other.
So when he got slammed down there and he cracked like porcelain, I was like you really kept to that.
But then they heal super fast.
But then it just heals, like, immediately.
It was interesting.
Yeah.
I was so worried about this porcelain, though.
I said, this is probably thousands of years old.
How are you going to replace this?
I know.
I was like, you're ruining your office.
Your gorgeous castle.
Yeah, that would piss me off.
I'd be like, fix it now.
Yeah.
They'd probably find somebody who will absolutely fix it for them or they could just kill them.
Yeah.
And when Arrow gets close to Bella and he's saying how, like, she smells so good.
Like, I don't know how you stand next to her.
He's like, I don't know how you hold yourself back.
And Edward's literally like, it's tough.
Yeah.
They have a real bro moment.
It's hard, my guy.
And he does the thing where he says, Isabella.
Like right in her face.
And I was like, I love Arrow so much.
Everything he says is top notch.
He's so weird.
The way Michael Sheen plays him is so scary.
Because it's so unsettling.
It's so unsettling.
In such a small, unnerving way.
He's very...
He's very the mayor coded.
Yep.
Like he's very like he's got that like that weird charming thing that happened.
I don't know.
He's very fun though.
Marcus is wearing mules.
I'm pretty sure like he's really wearing like a house slipper.
Comfy.
I noticed and I said, yeah, I bet they're Gucci.
I bet.
I bet.
Totally.
And basically the thing is, because she has this special ability that now Arrow has discovered, he's like well, now she needs to be one of us, because I collect special vampires.
And so he was like, she's got to be turned.
And she knows about them, too.
Yeah, like, she knows about us.
She knows too much.
And she has this special ability, like, we're turning her, bitch.
And he's like, I'll turn her.
And Alice is like, wait a minute.
And she's like, I have seen that she's going to be turned.
I will do it myself.
And so Arrow checks this because he can check her thoughts.
And he's like, all right.
And he sees this fucking crazy-ass fish inside.
It's the vest.
Of Edward and Bella.
Running out of a Renaissance fair.
Running slow motion through the forest barefoot.
In Renaissance garb.
And she's wearing a dress.
Yeah, full Renaissance vibes.
Sunlight is glistening on their sparkling skin and she's a vampire.
It's insane.
Yeah.
And so he saw this and he's like awesome, like cool, and he's like so, like he literally like clad is like okay, all right, i'm gonna let you guys get to it and let me know when it's done.
Like so fun, and marcus literally stands up and goes thank you for your visit.
It took everything in him to sit up and thank them.
It took his whole ass to say that.
And he's like, get the fuck out of here because I'm going to go shit my pants.
Get the fuck out of here, because I have been sitting with this gas pain for a long time and it's about to come to fruition.
So get out.
I do.
I was like, I feel like I would have to be like, thank you, Marcus, for sitting through this.
I know, you would.
Thank you for your visit.
You never visited anybody that said that to you?
I love it.
Not like that, but I'm going to say that to everyone who leaves my home next Christmas Eve.
Any guests we have in the pod lab, before they leave, I'm going to say this.
So just know that.
Hopefully all future guests listen to this one episode that is about Twilight for some reason.
So they know, point you to it.
Oh so they leave and as they leave, a big giant tour group full of men, women and children are coming into that room and bella's like what the fuck?
And edward's like you should probably look this way.
And as the doors close, you hear them all screaming because they didn't get to kill, they didn't get to kill edward, they didn't get to kill bella.
So that's like pent-up shit.
Yeah, so they went nuts on those men, women and children.
It's pretty gnarly.
We see back home at Bella's house, she's, you know, in bed talking to Edward.
It's a whole thing.
Who should never be allowed in her house again, after leaving her in the middle of the woods and requiring a search party.
He's not.
He says he's not.
Okay, that's good.
But Charlie does not know he's there.
Oh, okay, wonderful.
Yeah, because they have a whole discussion about how he's sorry and he failed her and he'll never do it again, and blah blah blah, blah the whole thing.
I'm like, how are you going to explain that you're back together?
And then Charlie comes in and I said, I'm here.
And Charlie's like, hey, don't fucking do that to me ever again.
And she's like, I won't.
And he's like, no, seriously, don't.
And then before he leaves, he goes, and you're grounded for the rest of your life.
And I was like, honestly, so valid.
Proper parenting.
Yeah.
Proper parenting.
Absolutely.
And next to him on the wall next to the door is a painting of wolves.
And it's very much in the shot.
In Bella's room.
Yeah.
Oh.
There's a painting of wolves.
Interesting.
I noticed that this time.
And this is when Edward says, like, it's going to take a long time for him to forgive me.
Oh, he does say that.
And he's like well, I'm not breaking his rules because he said I can't step foot through the front door.
And he's like, and I came in through the window.
That's a loophole.
Which I was like, you're a fucking nightmare.
You're every parent's nightmare.
Yes.
You didn't say I couldn't come in the window.
That was fucking implied.
You dumb shit.
You better put it in writing when you ban somebody from this house.
You better put it in writing.
You're not coming through the front door, back door, side door, window, skylight.
You're not burrowing underground.
No way.
You can't be in this house by any means.
Any means.
And you can't be on the property, in fact.
I was like, you're a fucking nightmare.
You can't even be on my street.
I don't even care if you live here.
You're evicted from my street.
Goddamn nightmare.
And he literally says at some point to her, because they're talking again about oh, they're in the car and she's like we should wait until after graduation because that would be chiller for Charlie if you turn me after we graduate, and blah blah, blah.
And he's like, at one point he says, we can figure out something to tell the Volturi.
Like, I'm not changing you.
And I was like, you're annoying.
It is.
You're annoying me now.
And honestly, I was with her on this because she's like, you're dumb.
And so they go to Edward's house and she's like, no, I want to take a vote.
I want your family to take a vote if they think I should be turned.
And at one point he says something and she literally turns around to him and she goes, shut up.
And I was like, oh, you're ready to be a couple.
I was like, you're ready for lifelong partnership.
You absolutely are, because there will be moments for the rest of your life where you turn around and say shut up.
Shut up.
And so she's like, take a vote.
So, you know, Alice is like, I already consider you a sister.
My vote's yes.
Jasper says it would be super sick to not want to kill you all the time.
Valid.
Rosalie, she votes no.
And she gives...
A very... Like, I think hers hits so hard.
And especially because we'll find out more about her backstory in the next movie.
And she says this is not the life I would have chosen for myself, which I was like.
Ooh Emmett, how does that feel?
Because he's right next to her.
And she says, and I wish someone had been there to vote no for me.
Yeah.
Which is...
I'm like, she cares about you.
That's the thing, actually.
That proves in that moment that she does care about you.
Because she would have just said, yeah, sure, sure.
Like, who gives a shit?
I thought it was so poignant.
Like, I think that's such a good, you literally sit there and you're like, fuck yeah, Rosalie.
That's a girl's girl.
Like, that's a girl's girl right there.
I need you to remember that in the book, Edward breaks a TV about this.
Oh my God, I didn't remember that at all.
He breaks a TV after the vote.
In the frequently asked questions from New Moon on Stephanie Meyer's site.
It says what did Edward break in the living room?
After the vote
Edward ripped into halves a 60-inch plasma TV that the Cullens had shipped in from Korea because it's not available in the States yet.
Emmett was a bit annoyed.
What a little bitch.
Can you imagine?
I'd be like, so who's your wife?
Yeah.
Who's your lifelong partner?
Yeah.
What?
Like, what's going on?
You're ripping a Korean TV into halves.
You're ripping a Korean TV into halves?
Yeah.
Because you have to change me?
That's dumb as hell.
And also, like, what are we voting for?
The Volturi already.
Him and Rosalie are the only standouts too, because Emmett's After.
Rosalie says that very poignant, very like you know.
That should give you a moment.
Heartfelt.
He's like, he's like, fuck yeah.
And he's just like, hell yeah.
And see that those are the moments when you turn around and you go, shut up.
Shut up.
And Esme says, I've always considered you part of the family anyways.
And Carlyle says, this is really the only way.
Like he's like, he can't go against the Volturi.
But he's like, the Volturi is going to make this a problem.
Like we just have to do it.
Because most likely the Volturi will kill your whole family.
Yeah, it's like, just fucking do it.
It's just not that deep.
Like, it's really not.
She wants to be a vampire, let her be a vampire.
That's the thing.
The consent is there.
Yeah, she wants it.
I'd be like, why don't you want to hang out with me for eternity?
Exactly.
That would be my problem.
But they get back in the car.
He's not pleased.
Jacob ends up standing in front of the car shirtless and directing them into the woods.
So they go in there.
They love to be directed into the woods.
They love being directed into the woods.
Jacob is literally like, I'm not letting you do this.
And she's like, yeah, you don't have a choice.
It's my choice.
But little does she know.
And he's like, okay, motherfucker.
Okay.
I call treaty.
And he was like, the treaty says that you can't bite a human.
So... Or else, like, all bets are off.
And he's... Yeah, and he's like... Like, there will be no peace between vampires and wolves.
Yeah, like, treaty will be off.
Like, that's it.
And then... And he's like... And he says to her, like, if this happens...
I'm not responsible for what happens after.
Because you'll be a vampire.
This is the way it is.
I will have to be your enemy, essentially.
And it's like a really rough scene.
You feel really bad.
And at one point, him and Edward go toe-to-toe.
And he changes into a wolf.
It's like a whole thing.
And it kind of ends there with...
You know, I think, is this where Edward... He asks her to marry him.
Is this where Edward, though, at first, he says, like, we're going to find a way around this?
Oh, he asks her, he's like, how about five years?
Give me five years.
And she's like, no.
Like, this would annoy... At this point, I'd be like, you got to shut the fuck up and stop.
Yeah, I know.
He's really annoying about it.
Put up or shut up.
Let Alice do it.
Yeah.
Let anybody else do it.
Let Carlisle do it.
Yeah, he'd be so careful.
He seems fine about it.
He's pretty good at it.
He's done it a few times.
Yeah.
And she tries to negotiate and he's like, you're really stubborn.
And then he's like, okay, I'll do it, but on one condition.
Marry me.
And then he says, marry me, Bella.
He proposes in a Volvo while they're driving.
Not the proposal of my dreams.
I don't even think... Were they even in the car yet?
I think they were still in the woods.
Oh, my God.
Are they still on the side of the woods?
They're still on the side of the road in the woods.
And he doesn't even get down on one knee, does he?
And it was right after Jacob left, like, in tears.
Oh.
And he's like, this seems like a good time.
No, he doesn't get down on one knee, I don't think.
No ring?
It's...
It's a real amidst chaos.
It's a real move.
But you know, that sent Bella into orbit. yeah she she's excited well so are we so are we because eclipse is a whole other i really like eclipse eclipse is like so much shit happening eclipse honestly the next three move is it three yeah three movies yeah because breaking down is broken into two the next three movies i remember being so much fun Yeah, because I think New Moon for me... Bummer.
...was kind of like it dipped for me.
And I was like, ugh, this is boring.
Eclipse comes back because... Eclipse brings it back.
There's like a, There's like a war, basically being Yeah, you start like seeing other pieces of the puzzle.
And remember... The love triangle gets way more intense in that one.
And remember, Victoria is still in these streets.
She is still in these streets.
We didn't get rid of her.
No, we did not.
So So, get ready for that.
We hope you keep listening and we hope you keep it.
Vampy, oh no, i went crazy, you went nuts, you could keep it.
Vampy werewolfy, sparkly.
Yeah sparkly, sparkly and weird.
Thank you,
