Today I'm going to be talking about a topic that is not a hot topic.
Marriage. Marriage is not the hot topic that it used to be.
When my parents were growing up and when their parents were growing up, Marriage was this sort of fundamental part of being a human. at least based on their stories of their experiences.
You know, It was the norm that you would go to school, get a job, get married, have kids. grow old, die, that's it, right?
And there was a lot less questioning going on in generations past.
There was a lot more going with the flow, it sounds like.
And recent statistics are showing that people are not getting married anymore. people are not just going with the flow anymore.
My generation, especially, and the generation above me, so millennials and Gen Z, are apparently not loving the idea of getting married.
And I've sort of heard this discourse online within my generation. about marriage being outdated and marriage being... kind of a scam and marriage being a waste of time and marriage being... destined for failure.
And it's interesting because actually when I was growing up, I kind of agreed.
I was never sure if I was going to get married.
And I actually have divorced parents, which probably played a role in that a little bit just experiencing that divorce.
Who knows if that... Altered my perspective on marriage.
Made me not want to get married as a kid.
I'm not going to touch on my perspective in the current moment until the end of the episode, okay?
So this is why I'm talking about myself in past tense.
This is an ad by BetterHelp. The internet is a big place, and the info you find isn't always the most accurate.
Every time I look up wellness or mental health tips, I met with so much information, I don't even know how to sort through it.
And not all the information you're gonna find online is from people who really know what they're talking about.
There's so much advice online, it can be overwhelming.
And knowing what works for you isn't easy.
That's why it's important to use trusted sources. or even better, talk to a living, breathing person who can help like a therapist.
They're trained to help you gain confidence, improve relationships. to share positive coping skills tailored to you specifically.
I'll see you next time. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise.
Talk it out with BetterHelp. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com. slash anything.
That's betterhelp.com slash anything. This episode is brought to you Have you ever been shopping online and the website just gave you the ick?
Let me tell you, that wouldn't happen if they used Squarespace.
Squarespace design intelligence empowers anyone to build beautiful, More personalized websites tailored to your unique needs?
With Squarespace payments, it's super easy to manage payments with just a few clicks.
Plus, with Squarespace's integrated and optimized SEO tools.
There's all the help you need to get people to your site.
Head to squarespace.com for a free trial.
Use code Emma to save 10% on your first purchase.
This episode is brought to you by eBay. We all have that piece, that one that's so you.
You've basically become known for it. And if you don't yet, you'll find it on eBay.
That Miu Miu off the runway, red leather bomber.
The Cusco Barcelona cowboy top or that fleece in the 2017 colorway?
All of these finds are on eBay, along with millions more main character pieces, backed by Authenticity Guarantee. eBay is the place for pre-loved and vintage fashion. eBay.
Things people love. When I was younger, I really didn't know if I wanted to get married and have kids.
I remember saying that I wasn't going to.
And when I look back at why I felt that way, Yes, part of it could have been that my parents were divorced, but I'm not sure.
I think a big part of why I had that belief was... out of this desire to rebel against the norm more than anything.
But all of this to say, I have felt that way before, where I didn't want to participate in marriage.
I wasn't sure if I wanted to have a family, you know?
Being somebody who's felt this myself and being somebody who's always sort of checking in on what everyone in my generation is saying, out of curiosity, it's fascinating to me that something that's so... foundational in our life, like marriage, is being so heavily questioned.
And it's making me wonder Why? And whether or not the questioning is rational or not. or if it's just kind of an act of rebellion against society in a way.
Because when we're told to do something, sometimes we freak out and decide to rebel against it.
So I guess I just want to investigate all of it.
But to start... A little bit of history on marriage.
It's an old concept. I assumed for some reason that marriage was relatively new.
Like, it seemed to me like something that would have been a modern creation.
But in fact, it's much older than I thought.
According to my sources, it's widely agreed that the origin of marriage dates well before recorded history, but the earliest recorded evidence of marriage ceremonies dates from about...
2,350 BC. So marriage is an old concept.
And whenever something is an old concept and it stood the test of time, I tend to be maybe a little bit more open-minded to it in a way because...
When something's stood the test of time, I become even more fascinated by it because it's a sign that it's serving a purpose.
Now, whether or not that purpose serves us now is another story.
There's something to be said for something remaining necessary for thousands of years.
We see two types of situations over the course of history.
Things that... remain consistent over history, and then things that sort of come and go.
And it seems marriage is one of those things that has just stood the test of time for as long as we can remember.
And it's similar to religion. Religion has also stood the test of time.
I made a whole episode about that I'm always a little bit more open minded I guess when something has stood the test of time and doesn't have an obvious bad impact.
You know, like from the surface level, marriage doesn't look like it has a bad impact.
And it stood the test of time. Obviously, when you look in deeper at marriage, there are some elements of marriage that could possibly be harmful.
You know, like some people have had terrible experiences with, say, arranged marriages in It's not that there's no harm possible, right?
But it's not something that's clearly bad or wrong. the concept I guess.
Marriage is also something that has actually been heavily tied to religion as...
A lot of religions have a very strong opinion on marriage. a lot of them saying that it is incredibly necessary.
For example, in the Old Testament, there is a writing that states, Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh.
So this is an example of how a religious text describes marriage as an important part of a person's life.
Now, I'm not religious and I'm not saying that that statement is true, or that I'm living by that statement by any means, but I'm just giving an example of... how this is present in religion and there's a lot of religions that really heavily push marriage or maybe don't push, but they, recommend marriage, right?
And they believe in marriage. a lot of people over the course of history have gotten married out of some sort of religious desire.
But by nature, marriage is not a religious act.
But I just thought I would include that there is some religious desire there for people who are religious, which is interesting.
Okay, so what does marriage look like today?
Because... It's definitely looked different over the course of history.
I mean... In general, it's kind of looked the same.
It's been a sort of ceremonial... It's been the union of two people.
Yes, it's always been sort of the same idea, but...
What does marriage look like today? Well, I think the first and most important element of getting married today, especially in the US.
I don't know about how marriage works in other countries, but...
In the US, you have to get a marriage license in order to be legally married.
And I used to think that being legally married didn't really mean anything. like i didn't really understand what that meant but after doing research today i found out kind of what getting legally married means.
Being legally married gives you the right to your spouse's Social Security, Medicare, and even disability benefits.
So it gives you the control of almost a family member. in a lot of ways.
It puts you in a position to make major medical decisions on behalf of your spouse.
If your partner had children prior to you getting married, You could also legally file for the official role of stepparent or even adoption.
You can sign for lease renewals on behalf of your spouse.
And should they die, you are able to consent to after death procedures. and also make final burial plans.
You are also able to get access to their workers' compensation, or retirement funds as well.
And you do also get tax benefits from being married.
So it's a lot of adult stuff, right? Like... oh, cool, you know, like if I die, my spouse can take care of the stuff that... maybe my family would have had to take care of, but maybe if you don't have family who would take care of it, maybe your spouse is that person,
To me, I feel like getting married is like...
Legally adding someone to your family. It almost feels like... now you are legally considered family, whereas before, you're not.
And that adds some weight and gravity to marriage that I didn't really understand prior to today. you know, fully like I knew that all of that was a part of it, but I hadn't really dug into it.
And there's something to be said for that.
Obviously, if you're someone who decides to start a family... have kids and stuff like that, your significant other, your spouse becomes your family in a way because you're starting a new family.
And I think it would be a challenge possibly to not be legally married if you start a family. because your spouse wouldn't have certain rights that would be helpful and possibly crucial in some situations.
And then also there are tax benefits, which could be really helpful for some people in some situations.
I find that interesting. I am curious about why the I would need to dig deeper into that, but it seems you do get a reward in a way for being married. tax wise, which I think is interesting.
I don't understand that exactly. So that's what marriage looks like legally today.
Now, more on the surface level, Getting married today is all about the fancy engagement in the ceremony.
Now, I'm not saying that everyone does this because number one, it's fucking expensive to do that and not everyone can afford that.
The amount of money it costs to have a wedding is ridiculous.
And there's a huge emphasis on this massive diamond ring, which again, not everybody experiences because...
Number one, it's a little bit ridiculous.
But number two, it's just not realistic for some people.
If you were to look up photos of a wedding on Pinterest, you're going to see a photo of somebody with a big ring and this beautiful venue with a beautiful expensive dress and it's very whimsical and beautiful and clearly expensive.
And that's sort of the stereotypical wedding of today.
You know, It's all about this beautiful day, or for some people, multiple days, depending on what type of wedding we're talking about.
But there's this huge emphasis on what the wedding looks like.
I think social media probably plays a role in this.
We're living in the time of... online competitiveness, right?
Everybody's trying to go on the coolest vacations, have the coolest outfits, have the best lives, look the best.
All on social media. And I think weddings have... started to tie themselves into that experience you know People hire photographers and videographers for their weddings so that they can post things on social media. a lot of it in a way feels kind of performative at times, right?
On one hand, it's like, yeah, I understand wanting to create a beautiful day for yourself and your family and your significant other.
And I totally understand wanting it to feel special and magical.
But at the same time, do you really need like a photographer and a videographer?
But then at the same time, you could argue like, well, How are you supposed to remember the moment?
And fair enough to that as well. I think that there's a combination.
I think there's some people who want to document the memory and then there are some people who kind of want to... brag about it on social media, I think that there's a little bit of both.
If I were to have a wedding I don't know if I would hire a photographer to be honest.
Personally, I don't know. To be honest, I probably would.
Somebody would convince me. They'd be like, Emma, how are you going to remember it?
So then I probably would hire one. But weddings of today are very grandiose.
The wedding industry is a huge industry and people spend a lot of money. a ridiculous amount of money, whether it's on the engagement ring or it's on the wedding ceremony itself or it's on the wedding dress or whatever.
Like, people are dropping thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars on their wedding.
And... It's not like a little, cute, innocent ceremony.
That's not what we see on social media, okay?
Weddings are... are a big deal for the people who take them seriously.
I want to sort of zoom in on the diamond ring of it all.
Because I found out today that the concept of a diamond ring is a new concept.
New meaning within the last 100 or so years.
But I found online that while engagement rings have been around since ancient Rome, It was only after De Beers' advertising campaign in the late 1930s that diamond engagement rings became a traditional symbol of commitment to Mary.
The whole diamond ring of it all is sort of a corporate money-making scheme.
Listen this isn't the first time that we've bought into that.
We do that a lot as people. We love it. people spend a lot of money on the wedding ring, which is kind of crazy to me.
I mean, I understand it because it's this valuable, well, what does valuable mean?
Like, I think things can be valuable that are worth nothing.
You know what I'm saying? Like if you have a fucking piece of belly button lint in a jar on your nightstand...
Because it was like some famous person's belly button lint that you're a fan of. or something.
I'm not saying I do this. Okay. But I'm saying like, I don't know, like value, something having value.
Things can have value in so many different ways. in the sense that they're worth a lot of money.
They can have value in the sense that they have sentimental value. or they're your favorite celebrities.
Well, you went and lit in a jar in your nightstand, like you get what I'm saying.
I can see how, in a way, your significant other buying you an expensive valuable in the sense of money, ring, can show a level of commitment to you.
It's like, I'm willing to buy you this extremely expensive piece of jewelry to show you how committed I am to you.
I understand that, but I also think that's...
I don't know, I'm not obsessed with the concept personally I get the concept, but I'm not obsessed with the concept because... that's sort of insinuating that somebody who maybe can't afford a diamond ring isn't committed enough to you because they can't afford it?
It's like what if somebody can't afford a diamond ring?
And so then they now can't participate in that display of affection, which I don't... like love i think that's just kind of lame but then again who am i to judge the people who do want to buy a big diamond ring for their loved one.
Like, I don't know. But diamond rings are a huge part of the wedding experience of today you know so The last big piece of marriage today is the likelihood for divorce.
Researchers estimate that 40 to 50% of all first marriages will end in divorce or permanent separation, And about 60% to 65% of second marriages will end in divorce.
Although divorce has always been a part of American society, divorce has become more common in the last 50 years.
So divorce nowadays is very common. So I think people have that in mind. nowadays when they're getting married because these statistics are not hard to find, right?
I've been hearing the statistic that 50% of all marriages end in divorce since I was... five years old and my parents got divorced.
Okay. So this is Very common. And I think another interesting part of it is a lot of the people who are considering whether or not they want to get married today, which is kind of my generation, Gen Z, and then the generation above me, millennials. a lot of this generation has lived through divorce.
And so I think there's this sort of of hatred towards marriage because so many kids in these generations have lived through a divorce.
And for some, it was traumatic. I'm very fortunate that my parents' divorce was probably the best experience I could have had.
It wasn't messy. It was very clean. And to this day, they're friends and I'm so incredibly grateful for that. but there are a lot of people who have not had that experience understandably so, they have this sort of relationship in marriage.
They can't believe that it could be possibly good because most divorces end in a very messy way.
Breakups aren't pretty and a divorce is even less pretty, right?
This episode is brought to you by Cozy. Getting your home to not just look right, but also feel right is so important.
I think what I love most about my home is how there are so many little details around the house that bring me so much joy.
One place that I hang out a lot is my couch. on there.
I get a bunch of work done on there. When I'm shopping for a I'm looking for something that's comfortable, but also fun to look at.
That's why you've gotta love Cozy. Their furniture is modern, practical, and designed to make your day-to-day feel a little more, well, cozy.
They're modular and customizable, so if you wake up one day with the urge for a new look, Cozy makes it so easy. easily switch up the layout, switch up the style, switch up the color.
With cozy sofas, you don't just get a new nap spot, but the freedom to change your mind.
Transform your living space today with Cozy.
Visit cozy.com. That's C-O-Z-E-Y dot com.
The home of possibilities made easy. We'll be right back.
But having insurance isn't the same as having State Farm.
It's like ordering an iced matcha. but getting fake gourmet grass water.
You wouldn't settle for a lawn latte, so don't settle for just any insurance.
When it comes to getting the help you need State Farm is the real deal.
Like a good neighbor State Farm is there.
So moving on, why are people not getting married today?
What is the sort of logic behind this rejection of marriage?
I think the first and largest cause for people not getting married is I think a lot of people feel like it's a waste of time and money. you know the idea of having to go to the courthouse and fill out all these documents in legally bind yourself to somebody else.
I don't think people want to do that. I think a lot of people don't understand why there's a legal side to marriage.
Like I didn't really before. I kind of knew, I kind of understood, but not really.
Not as deeply as I should, considering I'm approaching the age in the next 10 years where I'll want to get married, I was lacking lot of information about what it meant to be legally married.
I think a lot of young people are the same way.
And so they look at the legal side of it and they're like, that's just a waste of fucking time and it's just too complicated.
And like, we're probably going to end up getting divorced anyway.
So then we're going to have to go through the law to break up.
And what a absolute bummer that would be.
So that's all a waste of time. And then the wedding ceremony is a waste of money.
Because in order for the wedding ceremony to mean anything, it's like...
You have to make it picture perfect and you have to invite all these people and it has to be this big thing.
And so I think a lot of people are like, I don't really get the point.
And I think a lot of people feel this way when they look at marriage from a surface level, right?
They're like, this just seems like too much.
And for what? Like we could just continue to be a couple without all of this drama, right?
Yeah. And I understand that perspective, but I do think that this perspective sort of ignores the fact that the ceremony of it all is optional. having a big wedding is optional.
And I think it's sort of, undermines what it means to get married legally.
But other than that, I do see this perspective.
The other reason why people aren't getting married today is because dating looks very different for young people right now. you know, it's kind of become a nightmare we're much less likely to meet people in organic human ways these days.
We're meeting a lot of people online. Everybody's using dating apps and it's become so much easier to sort of look at dating almost like a game. in a way, you know, like using dating apps and stuff like that.
Listen, I totally get it. I'm not judging people who use dating apps because I think... at times it's kind of necessary in order to meet people, but...
At the same time, there are flaws to the situation.
There are people who use it sort of like a game in a way.
And they're not necessarily using it for long-term use. relationships which by the way people can do whatever the fuck they want so there's nothing wrong with that But my point is that the nature of dating apps and dating online It's more of a hookup culture sort of situation, right?
It's not as much... focused on creating long-term relationships that could possibly lead to marriage. you know, or to creating a family. lot of people on dating apps saying like not looking for something serious, like just looking for something fun. which by the way, again, not judging anybody for that.
There's nothing wrong with... wanting to do that.
Like, it's none of my fucking business what other people do, right?
But at the same time, for people who maybe are excited about starting a family one day and having a committed relationship long-term, it's really hard to know where to look these days because... on dating apps and stuff, that's not really the energy that's there, right?
And according to statistics, dating is not very successful right now. successful dating is becoming rare.
And... Obviously, that's going to result in less people getting married because if they're not able to find long-term partners...
How are they going to get married? This is not to say that successful dating doesn't exist because it absolutely does.
But... It's just becoming less successful nowadays.
Going back to divorce, a lot of people aren't getting married because they're like, divorce is too common.
I already touched on this twice, so I'm not going to go too deep into it, but People aren't getting married because divorce is so common.
It's like, what's the point if... there's a 50-50 chance that this is going to fucking work. would I waste all of my energy?
Why would I get the law involved when we could just remain dating? in a way, remain as a couple without the law involved.
And you know, fair enough. There is an argument for that.
Absolutely. I also think a lot of people, young people right now, are scared to commit to a partner, I think there's just this overarching fear of commitment. in the Gen Z and millennial generations.
I mean, I assume it's as a result of hookup culture because it's sort of the norm to, I don't know, just participate in a lot of casual hookups. and not really commit.
And I think now that that's such a normal part of how we date.
I think people maybe are used to being kind of free in a way, being able to have sex with whoever they want, hang out with whoever they want, not be tied down to one person.
And I think when you become used to that feeling of freedom, it can be scary to let that go by committing to one person and saying, you know what?
I am going to sacrifice that freedom. for a meaningful relationship with one person, I think that's frightening for a lot of people. especially the people who have been participating in hookup culture for decades. however many years, they're the ones that are like, oh my God, I can't commit because...
I have to let this go and I have so much fun with casual hookups.
I can't let this go. And you know, fair enough.
Like I understand that when you become used to a certain lifestyle. it's scary to let it go.
And you might not even trust yourself in some ways.
You might think, well, I don't know if I can be... committed to somebody, right?
Like, I don't know if I even can because my brain doesn't function like that, right?
For me personally, I never had an issue with commitment because I... never really enjoyed casual hookup culture.
It just didn't work for me psychologically.
I just really didn't enjoy it. And it ended up causing me a lot more psychological harm than And this is just a personal experience for me.
I just personally am more of a relationship type of person.
And I like feeling super familiar and safe and comfortable with somebody.
And I don't really get a sort of excitement from being with somebody who's sort of a stranger to me.
I also, I don't really see a point. Like for me personally, I have a hard time Rationalizing, hooking up with somebody without the intent of it becoming something meaningful, maybe.
Like, I don't mind the idea of maybe hooking up with people and then being like, eh, that wasn't a vibe.
But I always want to go into it with the idea that I'm open-minded to possibly being with this person.
And the times that I had participated in hookup culture, if you will, and went into it with the intent of, I'm never talking to them again after this.
That never made me feel good. And again, that's not to say that The people who do that are doing something wrong.
That is not what I'm saying. For me though, it just really didn't make me feel good.
And I was honest with myself about that.
And I've just never really participated since.
But commitments never scared me personally because I never fell into the rhythm of... that sort of dating style.
So commitment to me has always been second nature.
And I can't necessarily speak from the perspective of somebody who is afraid of commitment because they've been participating in hookup culture. because I haven't experienced that.
I also think less people are getting married today because...
A lot of people don't want to have kids.
And I've actually made a whole episode about this if you want to go check it out. about why people don't want to have kids anymore.
And there's a lot of reasons for that. I think a lot of people think that getting married and not having kids makes marriage sort of pointless.
And I can see that perspective because being married and having kids is, It makes the marriage hold more weight when you have kids and you have a family and you start a family together.
But also, just being married is also in a way starting a family together, some might argue. you're bonding yourselves together and sort of creating creating a family unit out of the two of you on a legal level, right?
In a way. And so, you know, I don't think that getting married is pointless if you don't have kids, but I also can see the argument that it just holds less weight.
I also think the fact that people don't want to have kids as much these days makes the rush and the desire to get married much less.
Because I think in the past, people felt this pressure to have a family, right?
And it's been sort of a norm in the past that in order to have a family, you must get married.
And then after that you have kids, right?
That was sort of the structure that everybody tried to follow. or was being told to follow in some ways. now that that's in question and one of the major steps of that trajectory is being rejected, which is the idea of having kids.
The other step, which is getting married, just loses its weight in a way.
And so people who don't want to have kids are much less likely to see the value in getting married.
And last but not least, I think a lot of people are not really interested in getting married because...
A lot of people want to focus on their career and so this idea of slowing down your life to start a family is not appealing to people these days.
And I understand this because from a financial standpoint, you know, A lot of people can't afford to maybe step away from their job. and to start a family.
Starting a family is expensive. from getting married to having a child, a living being in your home, another one, It's expensive, and so I think there's some people who want to focus on their career because in a way they need to focus on their career because they can't afford to step away from it. and sacrifice their time to start a family.
But then there's other people who maybe could afford to step away from their career, but they don't want to because...
I think a lot of people are kind of obsessed with having this sort of identity of being this like successful person.
Like I think it used to be celebrated to be a part of a successful family.
I think there was a lot more for that lifestyle a little while ago, you know, like 50 years ago.
I think that was more whereas now I think the lifestyle that's celebrated is this sort of girl boss, CEO, entrepreneurial lifestyle.
And so I think the people who maybe have the money to start a family, but don't want to, are more excited about the idea of having a sort of entrepreneurial lifestyle and having that be their goal in life because I think that that lifestyle is much more celebrated.
You know, I don't really see people celebrating successful family life as much anymore.
It happens. There is still celebration there.
But I don't know, I've seen some judgment even actually around people starting families and I don't know.
I don't see it all the time, but I have seen judgment around people who decide to settle down and maybe take a few years off work and rely on the other parent to sort of...
I don't know. I've seen a lot more criticism there and it's less celebrated in general.
So those are the reasons why people are not getting married today from my perspective.
But now let's discuss why people are still getting married today, because there are still people getting married today, right?
I think very obviously people want to get married for the benefits of being legally married.
I listed all those reasons earlier. You're legally binding yourself to your significant other so that they have certain rights that could protect the both of you as long as they're not abused by one or the other. there's potentially tax benefits.
I do think that the act of marriage is... a real sign of commitment to another person now obviously Nothing is ever set in stone.
You can always get divorced and you can always... cheat on each other and you can always fuck each other over.
But in theory... Marriage is a promise to another person.
And... It is, it's wishful thinking to think that it always ends up that way, right?
But I think it's also not true to say that it never ends up that way.
There are marriages that... bring people closer and are successful.
It totally happens. So I think the people who still get married today are hopeful that they could be the better half of the 50% that stay together and and commit to each other for life.
And they hope that they can stick to that promise that they made to one another.
I also think a lot of people still get married today because they want to have a family, right?
Marriage is the first step in starting a family for a lot of people.
And it's been that. first step for many, many years.
And it's the norm and it does serve a certain legal purpose as well.
And... It's not mandatory, but it's definitely not meaningless Right?
So I think people who want to start a family want to get married too.
Not everybody, but a lot of people. And so that's definitely a part of it.
And then last but not least, I think people still get married today because as much as there's a lot of discourse about people not wanting to get married, there's also still simultaneously a lot of pressure to get married, especially from older generations.
You know, a lot of us have parents or grandparents who are bullying us into getting married because they're like, hello, this is the next step, right?
Personally, I don't have that experience.
I'm grateful that my family doesn't really tell me what to do at this point But I know a lot of people do have parents or grandparents who are telling them that they must get married.
And there's a pressure there. On top of that, there's a societal pressure too, because if maybe your community around you still is excited about the idea of marriage because there absolutely are communities out there who are still very excited about marriage.
It's not everybody who is against it, right? in your close vicinity, your friends, the people you work with, et cetera, are all getting married. you might get a little FOMO.
And you're like, well, fuck, now I wanna get married because everyone else is getting married and I feel like an outlier here. not getting married.
So I think there is also a societal pressure to get married for some people.
This episode is brought to you by Mentos Gum.
I think we can all agree that keeping things fresh is a must.
Of course, you've got to keep your breath fresh, but don't stop there.
You can also freshen up the mundane moments So pop some Mentos gum and maybe put a little extra effort into your outfit today. or try a new workout class or order something different at your local coffee shop today.
Refresh the everyday with Mentos gum. available in a range of fresh flavors like spearmint, fresh mint, and strawberry.
Mentos gum, yes to fresh. This episode is brought to you by Welch's Fusions, the newest drop from Welch's fruit snacks.
Isn't it so satisfying when you combine two of your favorite things to make something even better?
It's like when I'm putting an outfit together and I pair two of my favorite pieces together. that I've never put together before.
Like it just never crossed my mind. If you love a good pairing like I do, New Welch's Fusions are so good.
Each one is a combination of two fruity flavors and one juicy bite.
One flavor on the outside, another on the inside.
It's an unbelievable taste sensation. So I recommend them for experienced taste buds only.
You've been warned. New Welch's Fusions.
Please fuse responsibly. Okay, so now that we've sort of analyzed marriage to the best of my ability, It's time to return to the question that we asked in the beginning.
Is marriage outdated? As always, The answer to this question is yes and no.
I think there are parts of marriage that are outdated in my opinion. and there are parts of marriage that are not and so we need to discuss First, I'm going to start with the reasons I think marriage is not outdated.
I think there are reasons that marriage still serves a purpose.
For one, I know it's not a cool thing to say necessarily, and I might sound like a grandma right now, I do think that the symbolism of marriage does mean something. to a lot of people.
I think this idea of committing to one person In sickness and in health.
You know what I mean? Committing to someone... putting aside your urges to, you know, be free sexually, be able to hook up with whoever.
In committing to one person to start a family with and to... fully commit to.
There is something beautiful about that to me.
Some people might say like, no, that's outdated.
That's an outdated concept. I know there's a lot of arguments how biologically monogamy, being with one person, is not natural for humans.
I've heard arguments about that before. I'm not going to make any claims because I didn't do research on it.
I just have heard that before. Take it with a grain of salt, okay?
But I have heard that claim before, right?
That monogamy is not natural to humans. But there's also an argument for, well, maybe it isn't, but maybe there's something powerful about having to sacrifice that to build a family with someone.
Having to use discipline to fight against something that's biological feeling in order to commit to somebody that you want to start a family with?
I don't know. I think there's something kind of interesting there, right?
Like... The fact that you might need to fight off biological urges in order to stay committed to somebody might be exactly what makes a marriage so special.
The fact that you do have to sacrifice things But I do think that the symbolism of marriage is still powerful.
I also think that the legal side of it serves a purpose.
You know, for someone like me, I'm an only child.
And so I don't have siblings. right it does make me nervous thinking about you know what happens when I'm 80 years old and my parents have passed on, it scares me to think about the fact that I could be alone And if I don't have kids or a husband to take care of me legally, right?
Because right now my parents, they are the ones that would control what would happen to me if I were to get in an accident.
When I'm much older and I don't have my direct family anymore, I won't have that.
You know, I have other family, but my other family doesn't know me as well as my parents. even to use my current relationship as an example, my significant other knows me better than a majority of my extended family does.
Even though my extended family has known me for my whole life, they have not spent as much time with me as my significant other.
And... I guess my point is there is something to be said for sort of legally bonding yourself to someone else.
For when you're older and you don't have your... immediate family with you anymore, especially for someone like me, who's an only child, this is something that's on my mind.
I also think that marriage inspires some couples to push through incredible challenges together that otherwise might have broken them up, but that can help them grow in some way.
Now, I know that there are situations where people stay in toxic marriages because it's so complicated to leave.
And that is not a positive situation. And that's not a good thing.
Okay, so I'm not saying that. But there are a lot of challenges that come up in relationships that are really incredible growing opportunities.
But a lot of times in more casual dating situations, people just sort of break up because they're like, I don't want to deal with this challenge.
I think marriage is interesting because it kind of can inspire people to push harder to grow through the challenges of a relationship because there is such a complicated bond between them because not only is it legal, but also...
It's now in a way familial. There's a chance that there's children involved.
I think... All of that inspires people to really rise to the occasion and try to work through an issue with their significant other rather than just walking away because it's easy to do so.
And that can easily turn sour and become a negative thing in a lot of scenarios. but it does have the potential to actually help both parties grow.
And that can't be ignored. And I think the last reason why marriage is not outdated is because some people really enjoy marriage.
Obviously, we hear a lot of horror stories, but we also hear a lot of incredible stories. about how it's taught people so many incredible lessons and it's allowed them to sort of build a strong family and you know it was a crucial part in that process and how it was such an incredible memory when they got married, whether it involved a massive diamond ring or not.
A lot of people really see marriage in a positive and positive powerful light, they see it as something that's impactful in a good way. and challenging in a good way.
And so in those ways, I think marriage is not outdated.
But at the same time, there are a lot of ways that I think marriage is outdated.
I think number one, the marriage industry, you know, like... the diamond ring industry of it all. wedding planning companies that charge so much money and tell you, you need to drop $50,000 on this wedding or else it's going to be disgusting.
It's going to be awful. Like all this sort of manipulation on a commercial level is becoming obvious. to us.
People today are not blind to the way that we're manipulated to spend money.
In the past, I think humans were a lot more susceptible to being manipulated by companies and businesses into spending money.
But now we're starting to see through it.
It's becoming common knowledge how... businesses take advantage of us and our feelings and our emotions.
And so I think the wedding industry is starting to be seen for what it is in a way. people are not buying into the fantasy as much anymore of this perfect wedding and this expensive, massive diamond ring, people are like, wait a minute, why the fuck are we doing this?
And also why are you trying to pull at my heartstrings to make money?
Like, fuck you. That's one reason why marriage is outdated is because the industry is not fooling people anymore.
And people are honestly probably more rejecting the idea capitalist side of marriage even more than they are the concept of marriage itself at times.
People are like, well, I don't want to do any of the marriage stuff because I hate how... it's become this sort of money grab for all these industries.
I think another sign that marriage is outdated in some ways is a sign of the divorce rate.
So many people are getting divorced that it's like, well, this clearly isn't working.
But at the same time, what I struggle with there is is that I have to wonder, what is at fault?
Is the concept of marriage at fault? Is the concept of marriage the reason why divorce is happening?
Or is there a societal issue that is driving up the divorce rates and it's not the concept of marriage itself.
Is it the people or is it the concept? You see what I'm saying?
I don't have a conclusion, but it's something to think about.
Like... I don't know. I kind of wonder if it is the people's fault. that divorce rates are high and it's not actually the concept of marriage's fault.
Because people make the choice to get married.
Obviously, there are some scenarios where people don't make a choice. and there are arranged marriages, there are forced marriages.
I'm not referring to that when I'm discussing this.
I'm talking about... consensual marriage where two people get married.
And they both wanted to, and it was both of their choice.
And that is what I'm referring to in this scenario here. with this example.
People who have the ability to choose to get married choose to get married. right there are a lot of marriages that happen just because two people wanted to get married but then it doesn't work out and they get divorced.
And I guess my question is, who is to blame here?
My own parents got divorced, okay? So I'm not insulting people who... get divorced i'm not saying it's their fault that they got divorced but also sure it is That doesn't make either of them bad people, but in a way it is their fault.
Like they chose to get married, right? You don't have to get married if you are in the scenario where you have the choice.
Again, excluding situations with arranged marriages, et cetera.
I'm not speaking on that. But you get what I'm saying.
Is that user error, if you will? Or is it just the concept of marriage doesn't work?
And we fall victim to it because we're told that it's a part of our life trajectory and that we need to participate. and then we force ourselves to do it and it doesn't work for us and we get divorced and that's society's fault.
You know, who's at fault here? I don't know.
I think you could make an argument for any side there, but it is something to think about.
I also think the desire for polyamorous relationships today are making... marriage seem outdated.
Monogamy has been the norm for a long time. in America, especially, and it's been a little bit more taboo to participate in polyamorous relationships, which is dating multiple people at once. that has not always been this normal sort of idea.
But now there is this open-mindedness about polyamory and there's a lot of people who are in open relationships now.
I don't know about everywhere in the world, but I know in Los Angeles for sure, New York for sure, the big cities, there's a lot of people who are dating a bunch of people at once but I think this new sort of focus on polyamorous relationships, dating multiple people at once, hookup culture, all of this is sort of making marriage seem outdated.
And I know a lot of the argument for polyamorous relationships is that it's more true to our biology because we're not meant to just be with one person, We're meant to repopulate in the sense of like be with as many people as we physically can in our lifetime. in order to populate the planet.
Like on a biological level, that is our biological instinct, right? being monogamous is against that instinct.
So I think a lot of people say that, marriage is outdated because this is who we're supposed to be.
But whether or not that is set in stone truth is never going to be set in stone.
So I guess my point there is, there is an argument that biologically we're not meant to be monogamous but I don't know if that's true.
And I think the last reason marriage may be outdated is because Marriage doesn't ensure that nothing goes wrong.
You know what I'm saying? Marriage doesn't ensure that someone doesn't cheat on the other.
Marriage doesn't ensure that the person you're marrying isn't taking advantage of you.
Marriage doesn't ensure that the person that you're marrying isn't a serial killer.
It's not a perfect situation. There's still room for so many errors and flaws And as much as it is a symbol of commitment, some ways it might actually make people feel trapped and they might feel like doomed in the sense that they're like, oh my God, I have to be with this person for the rest of my life.
I need to go have an affair with another person who is not my significant other.
Because I can't handle the fact that I have to be with this person forever.
It's driving me crazy. I need to go cheat.
You see what I'm saying? So it's not this sort of end-all be-all act of commitment.
There are so many situations where people cheat, have affairs. take advantage of each other.
I mean, it's insane, but it's also just a part of Everything.
Like shit can go wrong in any fucking scenario.
There's not one scenario where shit can't go wrong.
So I think, yes, there are some arguments for marriage being outdated. there were also some arguments for marriage being still necessary and current and meaningful. obviously what it really comes down to is what do you want to do, right?
Do you want to get married? If you do, there's nothing wrong with it.
If you don't, there's nothing wrong with it.
Obviously, unless you're in a situation where you don't have that freedom of choice But if you do, then what a beautiful thing it is to make that decision yourself.
And Nobody can tell you what's right and what's wrong.
But I think what shouldn't be ignored necessarily, is the fact that marriage is not all bad, you know?
Even coming from a family of divorced parents, I don't think marriage is outdated completely.
I think that there's still some really meaningful things there. that I don't want to ignore personally.
Now... On a personal level, my sort of perspective and plan when it comes to marriage is that I actually do want to get married.
And the reason for that is because... I do think that there's something to be said for the level of commitment that goes into a marriage.
You know, I want to start a family with somebody who I know is willing to commit to me legally.
Like, I know that sounds ridiculous, but It's a sign of taking shit seriously.
I don't want to have a child with somebody who... isn't willing to commit to me in a serious way and vice versa.
I think that symbolism does still mean something to me.
And so that's one really huge part about that.
Number two, I do want to also have children and have a family.
And I think sort of being legally binded to your significant other is a helpful step there in some ways.
Number three, I don't care about the wedding ring.
I don't care about the wedding ceremony.
That's not really a priority for me. So when I do get married, I don't know what it's going to look like if I do get married.
I would like to, but if or when I do, I'm not really concerned about having a wedding ring.
I'm not even really concerned about being engaged to in this traditional way, that's not really important to me.
You know, I think the sort of stereotypical marriage routine, right?
There's an engagement. with this big ring, and then there's the ceremony, and then there's all the photos that are taken.
Like that whole... Stereotypical process means nothing to me.
I don't give a fuck about that. So I really want to get married because I want to know that someone's committed to me and I want to be committed to somebody else.
And I want marriage to be symbolism of a promise.
And I'm excited to start a family. At some point, not right now.
Ooh, no, not right now. I'm also not afraid of the idea of divorce, to be honest.
There are legal things that you can put in place so that if you do get a divorce, everybody's safe and protected. in a way money wise custody wise unless there's obviously an issue that arises which you know god forbid But I'm open to the idea of a divorce like that doesn't scare me.
Because I watched my parents go through a divorce and find friendship in a way that was, yes, miraculous and rare, But after watching them do it, I'm confident that I could do the same.
And neither of my parents regret getting married.
And they're a huge example for me. You know, it taught them so much about themselves and it was so crucial to, for them in a lot of ways in order to sort of take the next steps to start a family and without them getting married and taking their relationship really seriously, I probably wouldn't be here And so, I don't know, I just, I'm not afraid of the idea of divorce.
I'm very realistic about the fact that With every marriage, there's a 50-50 chance that you will get divorced.
I don't know. It's such a rare and bizarre situation that I might be looking at divorce through rose-colored glasses.
I think I absolutely am. It would be challenging, but I'm not afraid of it.
I think when it comes to starting a family, I really do think that marriage is a part of that for me. from a commitment standpoint and from a legal standpoint.
When I get older, if something happens to me, and just having your significant other have the legal powers that they have.
That is also important to me. me. My family is not there to help.
So anyway, marriage. It's absolutely outdated in some ways, and it's absolutely not outdated in some ways, in my opinion.
But I'm curious to hear, I don't know your perspective.
What do you think? Send me an Instagram message at anythinggoes.
Send me a tweet or DM at AG Podcast on Twitter.
Yeah, just let me know what you think. Very curious.
Watch me stream my wedding on TV. Watch me be here, like...
I don't even want an engagement ring. And then I stream my wedding on YouTube. you know Netflix like I you know what I'm saying you know what I'm saying I don't think that's gonna happen.
But anyway, that's all I have for today.
I have to go pee so bad. I've been drinking peppermint tea.
And for some reason that really makes me have to go pee.
So I really need to wrap this up. But thank you all for listening and thank you all for hanging out.
I hope you enjoyed. It was such a pleasure as always new episodes of anything goes come out every Thursday and Sunday.
Tune in, hang out if you feel like it. Follow me on Instagram if you want, at Emma Chamberlain if you want to keep up with me as a person.
Check out my coffee company, Chamberlain Coffee.
Pick up some coffee. tea, accessories for coffee and tea, whatever your heart desires.
That's on ChamberlainCoffee.com. You can use code AG15 for a little discount.
Yeah, I just really love and appreciate all of you and I'll talk to you soon.
