I discuss my morals and values frequently.
Anyone who knows me, anyone who talks to me, knows how important my morals and values are to me.
On the top of my list of priorities are following and abiding by my morals and values, but also constantly working on strengthening my morals and values.
This is a key characteristic of me, which is why it's hilarious how bad I am at it sometimes.
Okay, you would think, for someone who's so self -aware of their own morals and values that I would be pretty on it and pretty good about it, but I'm not, I'm not.
And I'm constantly picking up after myself in a way.
I'm constantly finding shortcomings in areas where I'm not abiding by my morals and values.
Like, I'm not getting there.
And I think that that's normal and I think that that's human.
And I'm not particularly angry at myself about it.
I think it's to be expected.
However, there are times when I sort of deviate from my morals and my values and it becomes apparent, not because I checked up on it and was like, hey, you're not really doing that.
But instead, it pops up for me because it causes me some sort of pain, right?
By not abiding by my morals and values, I have let something slip to a point where now I'm causing myself pain.
Because at least half of my morals and values were created by me to prevent pain, to prevent suffering.
And so there's like a fifty -fifty chance when I drop the ball that it might cause pain.
And recently I noticed that I had dropped the ball in the hater department, okay?
It is in my list of morals and values to not be a hater.
I think that's on most people's lists of morals and values, However, for some of us, it's incredibly challenging not to be a hater.
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Now, when I say I'm a hater, I'm a closeted hater.
No one knows how much of a hater I am.
In fact, majority of the hating goes on in the privacy of my own mind.
No one even knows it's happening.
Okay. But I know it's happening and I think being somewhat of a hater is inevitable.
There are moments when you're going to dislike someone, something, and you're going to have those feelings towards it and it just is what it is.
But I have a tendency to become a chronic hater.
Again, not necessarily on the outside.
I'm actually pretty proud of my character on the outside.
I truly think that I am kind and welcoming and non -judgmental and flexible and easygoing on the outside.
It's on the inside that I can be an absolute hater.
A hater. Now, I'm not just a hater towards myself, I'm a hater towards everyone and everything else as well.
That's the problem." No one is safe, I'm not safe, and neither is anyone else.
And when I look at it, I'm like, listen, Emma, you're not a hater on the outside.
Most people don't even know you're a hater.
It's all happening in the confines of your mind.
Who is it really harming?
And the truth is the only person it's harming is me.
You know, I will talk a bit of shit to my loved ones every once in a while, you know, the closest people to me in my life.
Maybe sometimes it bleeds a bit wider than that, dangerous, but for the most part, I keep it to myself and it's not getting back to anyone, you know what I mean?
It's just it's, it's normal, human gossip, talking shit here and there, you know, I don't think it's, to an unhealthy extent, on the outside, again, I don't think it's particularly harmful to others.
But it's gotten to a point recently where it's clearly harmful for me, okay?
For some reason that I'm not quite sure of yet, I've become sort of a hater recently.
And it's starting to bum me out.
It's starting to make me a little bit depressed, and it's just not a good head space to exist in.
Like it's a negative head space.
And it clouds everything that I see.
I'm hateful towards myself.
I'm hateful towards others, but again, it's all in my head.
So it's like how bad is it really?
It's horrible for me.
It's horrible for me.
And it's clear to me that I need to work on it and I need to fix it.
And the good news is there have been times in my life where I've not been a hater, okay?
It's not like this has been a chronic issue for me my entire life.
I've always particularly enjoyed gossip and enjoyed analyzing people and even perhaps enjoyed hating things.
But there have been times in my life where I haven't been a full hater.
I've been gentle and kind even within the confines of my own mind.
So I can do it again.
However, it's never seemed to stick because here I am again an internal hater.
So I've decided today that I'm gonna go on the internet and I'm gonna try to figure out how to stop being a hater.
And I can almost guarantee that a lot of you need to do this with me, okay?
Because there's a lot of haters on the internet.
Except the difference with the haters on the internet is that they are not holding it in like me, okay?
I'm an internal hater.
I'm holding it in. The people on the internet who are haters unfortunately unleash it using fake accounts that they've made and they just start leaving mean comments and there's no face attached and it's just absolutely genius what they do.
Listen, I'm all about not self -diagnosing.
If you think that there's something wrong with you, for fuck sake, go to the doctor, okay?
But this is not a disease.
It is. Being a hater is sort of a disease.
But it's not classified as a disease, okay?
You're not learning about it at medical school, therefore I can google it and not feel like I'm being irresponsible with my health.
I think the first step would be to figure out how much of a hater I truly am, okay?
I've already sort of described to you what me being a hater looks like, it's mainly on the inside.
just judging everything, hating everything on the inside, and occasionally letting it bleed out to my loved ones or friends.
But for the most part, it's on the inside.
But I want to test how much of a hater I am.
So I found some online quizzes, and we're going to take them together to figure out how much of a hater I am.
The first one is on BuzzFeed.
Thank you, BuzzFeed .com.
You have published a false article about me in the past. So I'm actually debating even saying your name because that was really bad journalism but all good.
And now you're probably going to write another article about me because that's how this stuff works.
All good. I can handle it because I am a hater.
So I deserve to be hated on a little bit.
No, I'm kidding. I don't.
Let's take this BuzzFeed quiz.
I used to love BuzzFeed quizzes.
I would literally take them in class and it was so much fun.
Okay. This quiz is called, if you're a true hater then you'll have no problem getting 100 % on this quiz.
So let's see if I'm a true, true hater, okay?
Question number one, your friend just graduated college and they literally won't shut up about it.
What do you say? I'm so proud of you.
Way to go. I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you.
Good job, who did you copy off of or was it SparkNotes and college is such a scam but it will definitely look good on a resume.
To be honest, I think I would say one of the two first ones and I'm not just saying that because I'm like trying to common sense cheat through the quiz.
I do think I would genuinely say either, I'm so proud of you, way to go or I can't imagine how hard that must've been for you, good job.
I'm going to say I'm so proud of you.
Way to go. I... people's like accomplishments don't trigger me too bad or at least they might internally but I would never let that out, ever.
Okay next. Your friend hosts a dinner party but cooking has never been one of their skills.
They did put a lot of effort in though.
What do you say? I'll definitely take some leftovers.
My ever thought about trying out for Nailed it?
I don't even know what Nailed it is.
Oh, I guess it's like a show where you make food badly, perhaps.
I love how you weren't afraid to stop following the recipe and just do you.
And last but not least, these scrambled eggs are actually to die.
I think I would say these scrambled eggs are actually to die.
Unless that's sarcastic, but I would abbreviate to die for by saying to die.
That's something I would say.
I I would say these scrambled eggs are actually to die.
I really hope that that's what they mean by that, not just like some sort of sarcastic phrase.
But yeah, listen, if somebody's bad at cooking but they put a bunch of effort into it, I would never have the heart to say anything mean, okay?
Next, your friend shows you some dog shit movie that they really love but it just isn't you.
What would you say?
Number one, I can honestly say I've never seen a movie like that before.
Two, you would like this movie, lol.
Three, it was so fun, I loved it.
And four, I really admire how you have no shame about the things that you like.
I think I'd probably say, I can honestly say that I've never seen a movie like that before.
It's a true statement, but it's neither positive nor negative, so that seems good.
Next, your friend gets a job offer from a company you've wanted to work for a long time.
In your eyes, they've never been as dedicated as you are.
What do you say? That's awesome that they're willing to take a risk on you.
Or I mean, literally anything would be better than your old job, or I really am happy for you.
I'm sure you're gonna be great.
Or I thought fancy job Inc was kind of over, but so happy for you.
I would say I'm really happy for you.
I'm sure you're going to be great.
I'm not a fucking asshole.
I mean, this quiz, I'm kind of like, does anyone say this stuff?
I mean, I know people do because I've gotten some backhanded compliments before, like some backhanded shit said to me before.
So I know that people say this but I feel like it's very rare.
Most people are not being a hater in real life like this.
Okay, next question.
Your friend buys a house and while that is impressive, it definitely looks like the before on an episode of Fixer Upper.
What do you say? 15 miles from the grocery store, couldn't be me.
Only three bedrooms?
Who needs an office, right?
Gorgeous, what a house!
Or the lack of space will really let you focus on family time?
I don't really think I would say any of that.
I think I would honestly walk into the house and find some sort of weird niche tile that they don't even make anymore that I actually genuinely liked.
And I'd be like, oh my God, I would do anything for this tile.
They don't make it anymore.
You can't even find it.
It was strictly in the 80s.
I freaking love it.
I don't know. I actually really appreciate all different say gorgeous, what a house.
Okay me taking this quiz is fucking boring you guys.
How many more questions do I have because I'm honestly feeling like this isn't, I'm not learning anything about myself from this because I'm just answering nicely.
Alright, let's finish the quiz though.
Your friend just bought a new car but it's definitely not your style, what do you say?
At the end of the day you just need something to get you from point A to point B, or it doesn't come in white, or this car really suits you, or I would have in the Mercedes?
I would just say this car really suits you.
Again, not an asshole.
It doesn't come in white.
What does that even mean?
That makes no sense.
Okay, your messy friend just got engaged.
You love them, but it's kind of unbelievable.
You know so many other people with their shit way more together.
What do you say? OMG, I'm genuinely so happy for you.
That's cool. So how about those Lakers?
I really hope this one works out better than the last one." Or, it's such a Oh my god I'm so genuinely happy for you.
This is just ridiculous.
Okay moving on, we only have two or three more.
Your friend runs a marathon and while it's quite the feat, they are being so obnoxious about it.
That is really annoying.
So what would I say?
That's so great, you got the same time as my nana.
Or I've heard running is really hard on your body long -term but so happy for you.
Or I'm legit so impressed by you.
Or, I didn't think we'd be waiting for you at the finish line for so long.
Honestly, saying that running is a heart on your body is something I would say, to be honest. I'm not proud of it.
I would never say it though, after somebody had just run a marathon, I would say, I'm legit so impressed by you.
Because again, I'm not an asshole.
Your friend tells you that they just got cast in a reality TV show that starts filming in two weeks, but you'd be way better on TV.
What do you say? Even if you go home first, it will be so fun.
Yeah, I love that the casting directors were willing to cast someone like you.
Reality TV is so tired, but I hope that you make some money, at least. You're definitely going to be America's favorite." I would definitely say, you're definitely going to be America's favorite.
There's a slight chance that I'd say, hey, even if you go home first, it will be so fun, but I would never say that in a backhanded way.
Okay. Moving on. Your friends just had a baby, and it's kind of amazing to you that they, of all people, decided to become parents.
What do you say? So happy for you too.
You'll be great parents.
It was so exciting, but who even knows what kind of world she's going to grow up in.
If Earth is even still here, oh my God.
I would never, ever, ever fucking say that.
That is absolutely one of the most cruel things I think you could ever say to a new parent, and that is very sad.
So don't say that. Or it's crazy how just anyone can become a parent, you know?
Or and it was like on purpose.
It was amazing. I would say so happy for you too.
You'll be great parents.
That's obvious. And this is the last one.
Your friend just went viral on TikTok for a video that is literally so cringe.
What do you say? Okay superstar guess you're an influencer now or I love how you're not afraid to make a fool of yourself or I will never understand how social media works.
That's crazy. Or, wow, the algorithm was really on your side on this one.
I don't really like any of these responses.
Okay superstar, guess you're an influencer now.
That feels backhanded and kind of rude.
I love how you're not afraid to make a fool out of yourself.
That's also rude. I'll never understand how social media works.
That's crazy. Even if I didn't understand, I actually don't know how social media works.
It's my job and I still don't quite get it.
And while the algorithm was really on your side on this one, that's also kind of rude because it's saying like, the video that you made sucks.
It's just for some reason the algorithm was pushing it.
I'm not going to say any of that.
I'm going to choose, I love how you're not afraid to make a fool out of yourself actually.
Because I feel like that's not, I feel like that's actually kind of nice.
Like, you don't give a fuck and that's bad ass.
Like that's the way I would say it.
So that's why I chose that.
Cause, okay superstar guess you're an influencer now, is something that I would absolutely never say.
That is one of the most foul, like that just that's foul.
Anyway, okay, my results.
It says I'm a 9 % hater.
That's just not true.
But that's because all these things were external.
You probably have a hater moment every few months or so but you're mostly just nice even if that means you hold back the truth, that is true.
But I am an internal hater so I'm not feeling satisfied with that answer and I'm gonna take one more online quiz to see if it gives me a more accurate answer that isn't just referring to like external situations like I don't know we'll see okay.
This is a random quiz I found on a website called pro profs dot -com never heard of it and I'm probably gonna get a virus from this website.
Okay, let's begin. When you see a beloved friend whom you haven't seen in a while has lost a few pounds you a instantly start feeling like you need to lose as well in order to keep up.
B, tell her she's lost too much weight or C, compliment her on how great she looks.
Okay, well I would do none of these things actually no I actually would probably can I be honest I'm gonna be so honest with you all, I would probably look at her, and be like, fuck, I'm jealous.
I wanna do that. That is absolutely how my brain works.
That's actually a great example of how I'm sort of, that's not really, I guess, me being a hater, but me just being toxic, okay?
So I actually would do that.
So I'm actually gonna choose that because I would never tell her that she lost too much, and I would actually probably not even compliment her on how great she looks.
I would clock it and I would if anything compliment her on somebody else because I know how it can be a bit iffy to comment on somebody's weight even if they look incredible.
It's just fucking it's a mess.
When I've lost a bit of weight, whether it's genuinely healthy and it's just because I've been exercising more or moving more or just, you know, maybe eating more nutritionally and less processed foods, whatever.
Or it's because I'm having some sort of psychological issue.
So, if somebody comments on it, it always fucks with me.
So, I really try to not do that.
I'm gonna answer that I'd instantly start feeling like I need to lose weight as well in order to keep up because, to be honest, that is kind of my vibe sometimes.
And especially recently, as I've been sort of toxic and a hater that unfortunately checks out.
So, we're gonna click that.
Moving on to the next.
You run into your ex -boyfriend's new girlfriend while at Starbucks.
what is your reaction when she approaches and says hi?
A, begin looking at her flaws and wonder why he's with her and not you.
B, tell her that her boyfriend wasn't man enough for you.
Or C, your cordial to her and say hi.
Well I would definitely say hi so I'm gonna select that one.
But I definitely would probably psychoanalyze her critically analyze her and compare myself to her because again, that's like inevitable.
I don't even know if I could avoid that.
Like that's a little bit toxic, but I definitely would do that, but because I would be cordial and say hi, I'm going to choose the healthier.
Yeah, I'm gonna be cordial and say hi.
Okay, next, what is your reaction when you find out that the promotion you wanted goes to a coworker you believe doesn't deserve it?
A, start crafting a plan that will show your boss that you should have gotten the promotion.
B, tell your boss every misstep that your coworker makes or complain that you are the one that deserved the promotion, or three, congratulate him or her on getting the promotion.
I would absolutely, absolutely be livid.
I would probably fixate on it and allow it to torture me for the next few months, but I can guarantee that I would not ever bring it up.
I mean, I am my own boss, so it's hard to say what I would do in that situation.
But I, knowing myself enough, would assume that I wouldn't ever bring it to my boss.
And I would just congratulate them on getting the promotion.
I mean, I guess there's a chance that I might craft a plan to show my boss that I should have gotten the promotion by sort of overachieving, like that's actually something I might do.
But it would be less about trying to take the other person down.
and I think it actually would be more about just trying to get a promotion.
Although maybe it would be about bringing the other person down a little bit.
I don't know. That's possible.
I'm going to say that I congratulate him or her on getting the promotion, but there is a chance that I might craft a plan to show my boss that I should have gotten the promotion, but in a way where it's never confrontational.
I would never say that out loud.
Anyway, okay. Next, you've been meaning to finally write a book about your wonderful idea, but you've found the time.
You venture to the bookstore and see somebody has written a book on your exact idea.
How do you react? A.
Begin thinking that there's not a chance for you to create the book of your dreams. B.
Write a letter to the author threatening to sue them for stealing your idea and if the author doesn't respond, you begin emailing the publisher and C.
Begin thinking there must be a market for your dream book and head home so you can start writing.
Well Well, I mean if there's genuinely a chance that somebody stole my idea, like if that author is somebody that I know and they stole the idea, fuck yeah, I'm threatening to sue them.
Why not? That's fucked up.
I'm not afraid of legal action.
I avoid it as we all do, but if somebody steals something blatantly, like by the way, if I steal something even on accident or something that I create is too close to their thing, maybe I referenced something and what I created was too close to theirs.
They should send a cease and desist. They absolutely should.
Tell me that that's something that you're uncomfortable with.
Include the law to scare me.
Not that I need to be scared cause if somebody tells me that they're not cool with something I'm like, no worries, let's sort it out.
But not everybody is like that.
Some people need the law to be involved to be scared.
I get it, okay. If I do something wrong, if I overstep, send me a cease and desist. Let's fucking figure this out.
You know what I mean?
But it sounds like in this scenario that is not the case.
It's a coincidence.
It's just an unfortunate coincidence.
I'd love to say that I'd begin thinking that there must be a market for my dream book and I head home to start writing.
I don't think that that is the case.
I think that I would start to think that there's not a chance for me to create the book of my dreams. It already exists.
And so I think that I'd probably experience a few months of discouragement.
And I think I would eventually ...
Is discouragement a word?
Googling it. It is.
Holy shit. it. I'm a fucking genius sometimes.
Anyway, I think I would experience a few months of discouragement, Emma's new word, and eventually I'd get over it and I would feel better again, but for a long time I would lose hope.
So, that is how I'm going to answer.
Okay. Last question.
You see a drop dead gorgeous man holding the door open for you.
Once inside, his face lights up as a not so put together woman approaches him.
He leans over, kisses her and grabs her hand and ecstatically takes her to their destination, what's your reaction?
Think to myself, why did he choose her?
What does she have that I don't?
Or tell your girlfriends that all the fine men want an ugly woman because she will cater to their every need or say, aww, how cute.
I do think that the human reaction when seeing a couple that like doesn't make logical sense is together, you're like, what the fuck?
I do think that that's sort of normal.
In fact people have probably thought that about me with guys that I've dated.
You know what I'm saying?
There's been times when I've been like, I look so bad right now if the guy I'm dating looks hot.
But also like even now, like I cut my hair really short, and like I don't know, sometimes I'm like, oh god, people probably look at me and said boyfriend and they're like, oh something's off there.
know, what does she have?" I don't know what I have. Maybe fun personality.
I'm just fun to hang out with and that's enough.
No, but you know, it's human.
I think people probably think that about me.
I think that about other people sometimes.
I think that that's totally normal.
So, there is a good chance that I would think to myself, why did he choose her?
What does she have that, maybe less what does she have that I don't, but more like, I wonder what it is.
I definitely don't think I would tell all my friends that all fine men want an ugly woman because I just don't think that that's true.
And also I think, again, like calling somebody an ugly woman, I mean even in my meanest, I'm never, I never am mean in that way, I'm never a hater in that way, I'm never like, I rarely even in my head, even in the confines of my mind, am calling somebody ugly because I, I actually genuinely don't really feel that way.
I mean, there's people that I'm not attracted to, and then there's people I am attracted to, but that's different.
like thinking somebody's ugly, that very rarely comes up for me.
So yeah. I'm not probably saying that.
Would I say, oh, how cute?
Actually, yes. I think there's something even comforting for me about seeing like a really, really attractive man with maybe like a more sort of normal, like maybe average looking woman like that makes me feel good in some ways.
I like actually look at that at times and I'm like, that makes me feel better.
Like I don't need to be...
it's not about that.
It just proves that love and romance is not just about appearance, and so there's something kind of beautiful about that, so I do think I would say, uh -huh, cute, but I also do think I'd think, ooh, why did he choose her?
But because I'm going to say, uh -huh, cute, because I actually don't think, yeah, like I don't think I'm that toxic about that.
Okay, so it said, you're a winner and an encourager.
If others are making progress and having great success, you don't feel belittled.
You feel empowered.
I don't know about that, but on the outside, I maybe show people that that's the case.
You understand that what's possible for others is also possible for you and vice versa.
Keep this energy going.
You're a star. Wow.
Thank you. Oh my God.
That's very nice. Continue being a positive example to the people in your life.
Okay, I totally get it.
I was taking these quizzes to like almost make me feel worse about myself.
Like I was kinda hoping like oh, you know, I'll take these quizzes and find out that I'm a fucking asshole and it'll make me more inspired to stop being a hater.
But my version of being a hater is clearly so internal and so well contained that I guess it's less of an issue and these very reputable quizzes are not picking up on how fucking toxic I am.
So I guess it's time to move on.
I am going to Google how to stop being a hater and see what it tells me, okay?
Let's just see what the internet has to say to me.
Let's see what advice the internet has for me.
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Now back to the episode.
Okay, here's the first article I found.
It's a WikiHow, dah!
WikiHow .life. This article is called How To Stop Hating.
Okay? Let's see what it tells me.
Part one, stop hating everybody.
Assume the best about people instead of the worst. This is something that I struggle with not just about others, but also with myself.
Like, when I'm having a really hard time with productivity and I'm just not getting a lot done, I assume it's because I'm lazy and I'm a loser and I'm incapable of accomplishing things.
I don't often consider when I'm in a phase of being a hater the potential that I might just be exhausted, burnt out, fatigued, having an off day, having an off week even.
I immediately jump to the conclusion that it's all my fault and I'm horrible and I'm lazy and I'm a piece of shit and I never accomplish anything.
And it is too harsh.
It is unfair. But it's also something I do, you know, with other people, of course.
That's why we're here.
That's why we're having this conversation today.
If someone comes off cold to me, right, in my head I might be like, what a fucking asshole.
Like what a bad person.
Why was that person rude to me?
Why did that person give me the cold shoulder?
What an asshole. Instead of looking at that person and asking myself, what is going on in their life that is making them put out bad energy?
But I jump to conclusions, and I'm like, they're an asshole.
Or if somebody says something kinda out of touch or like maybe a bit inconsiderate, right?
Nothing like truly harmful, but just something a little bit, a little whack, right?
Instead of being like, you know, I'm gonna give them the benefit of the doubt.
They're not a bad person, they've shown me for the most part, that they are actually a good person.
This was sort of just a brief miss.
This was like a little miss, you know what I mean?
They missed. They missed the mark on that statement.
But for the most part, they're good.
I'll jump to conclusions when I'm being a hater and be like, oh, everything nice and kind that this person has ever done is now discounted by this one moment of bad or mediocre behavior.
I judge people based on their worst moment, Which is not necessarily fair because if somebody doesn't have a lot of bad moments, but you're basing their entire character on their one bad moment, that's not fair because that's not who they are.
Based on people's life experience, they're better at handling certain topics.
Sometimes people drop the ball.
I think when you're in a hating state of mind, you immediately judge people based on that.
You know? And I think it's good to be somewhat critical of people, right?
And critical of yourself, and not be an enabler of bad behavior.
But being a hater is to just jump to the most negative conclusion.
And that's definitely what I'm doing right now.
So I do actually think it's a good piece of advice.
Assume the best about people instead of the worst. Practice giving people the benefit of the doubt.
I know how to do that, it's in me to do that.
I've had phases of my life where I do that, I can get back there.
Okay. That's good advice.
Number two, learn to enjoy small talk.
You may also hate people because you just feel like you're always stuck talking to them when you'd rather be alone.
I am experiencing that right now as I'm a hater.
In fact, I've definitely noticed myself less inclined to have small recently which I actually didn't connect to my current status as a hater.
I didn't see a connection there so it's very interesting that in this article it's saying, you know, enjoy small talk.
Talk to people. Enjoy, you know, that's interesting because I, again, I did not connect those dots and I definitely more recently just don't want to talk to people.
I don't want to have small talk at all.
If I'm at the grocery store or I'm at my yoga class or whatever, I really just don't want to talk to anyone.
And I think to an extent that's normal.
There are certain parts of our routine that are social in the sense that people are around, but they're also recharging in an introverted way because you're not talking to these people.
You're around people but you're quiet.
And I actually think it's normal to enjoy those things But I agree that maybe I should lean into a bit more small talk right now because I think talking to people and seeing how great most people are through small talk, can sort of restore your faith in humanity and make you feel good, which helps you be less of a hater.
So okay. Next, give compliments.
Well, this is something that I do, although I actually feel a bit guilty about it when I do it.
But I do give a lot of compliments.
I really try to be very complimentary, and this is actually something that I practice.
I really try to be a complimentary person, whether I love someone or hate them.
I try to compliment everyone as often as possible, because I think, for me, it makes me feel less bad about the mean thoughts that I have. But I found that giving compliments for the sake of giving compliments doesn't actually make me feel good.
It makes me feel guilty.
I feel like I'm hiding something and that's kind of what we're talking about today.
Like I give compliments and it makes people feel good and it hides the fact that I'm a hater on the inside, but it doesn't fix the fact that on the inside I don't feel that way.
I feel like I hate her.
I'm judging. I'm hating.
I'm disliking. You know so I think it probably helps to try to like you know retrain the brain to like have positive thoughts instead of negative ones like if you start to have a negative judgmental hate -hater sort of thought replace it with a compliment I think that's not necessarily a bad idea I just don't think it works for me because I I do give compliments but I still am a hater inside.
But I do think that perhaps maybe a practice that I could implement is giving really genuine compliments, like making a challenge out of, okay, I'm judging this person or I don't really like this person or whatever.
I'm going to try to give the most genuine compliment I can right now and not just give a compliment for the sake of a compliment.
it." Like that's helpful and it makes people feel good and whatever, but it needs to be genuine in order for it to help me.
So maybe that's something I'll work on.
Okay, next. Open up to people.
I have no problem with that.
In fact, if anything, I do it too much. So this does not apply to me.
Yeah, I don't have the issue.
Like I have some sort of, I don't know there's something in me I just, I can just vent and talk about myself and I overshare like I have a tendency to overshare not under share.
Okay next think of all the ways that people can help you.
I do think that gratitude is one of the most helpful ways to combat hatred though it's hard You know, like, when you're in a hater phase, you see everything through the most pessimistic lens.
It's very hard to be like, no, but like what a miracle it is that we're all here alive on this planet.
Everybody's doing their best, for the most part, people are good and we help each other.
It's hard to remind ourselves of these things when we're in a hater mindset because being a hater, it feels good, it's satisfying and it's easy to like fall into the trap of like just being a hater all the time because it's never appealing when you're in a hater mindset to like all of a sudden be grateful.
You know what I'm saying?
When you're in a hater state of mind, that's cringe, you're like ew, I don't want to do that.
I want to keep talking shit about this person that I don't like, you know what I mean?
Or I don't know, it's just not easy, it's very counterintuitive, and you almost have to like force yourself to think that way.
Okay next, volunteer.
This is actually a great, a great suggestion.
A lot of times we become a hater because our self -esteem is low.
Self -esteem and hatred, they go hand in hand, okay?
And one of the best things that you can do to rebuild your self -esteem is help people.
It's just one of the best things you can do.
And so volunteering is an incredible idea.
If you're a hater, go and help people, for whatever reason it not only makes you hate yourself less which then makes you hate others less but it just makes you hate everything less because your faith in humanity is sort of restored.
You're helping people.
You're watching other people help people.
and you're seeing people in a vulnerable moment being helped, you are the one helping them.
You're witnessing sort of a beautiful interaction between human beings happening and that helps you to restore your faith in humanity and all of these things will help you be less of a hater and so I should probably get involved in my community a bit more.
Maybe that's something I should do this weekend because holy shit have I been a hater recently.
Okay, part two stop hating a specific person.
Yeah, this is something that tends to happen to me.
I will get angry at somebody or somebody will like kinda fuck me over or like slight me a little bit or something and then I just fuckin' hate them and that's something that again, only on the inside.
They would never know.
Never know. In person, I'm all good.
we're cool, everything's cool.
But behind their back, and in my heart, I am angry.
So this is definitely something I need some advice on.
Number one, get your feelings out.
I definitely don't have an issue with that.
I do get my feelings out.
I love to vent to my loved ones.
And I probably do it a little bit too much, to be honest. So that, I don't need to do.
Number two, talk to the person if you think it will help.
See, that's the problem.
That's the problem with me specifically.
A lot of times, I will hate someone that I can't talk to.
In fact, that's probably why I hate them, because I can't confront them, because we're either not close enough or we're not on speaking terms anymore.
If it's like an ex and we broke up, I don't want to reach out again.
I'm trying keep that door closed.
Or maybe even it's somebody I've never met, perhaps it's somebody that I've seen on the internet or something.
For the most part, if I'm close with somebody enough to speak to them about a problem, I will speak to them.
So my problem is like the people that I hate, I can't really talk to.
I mean, if I ever got the chance, I probably would, but yeah, I don't know that that makes sense for me.
Learn to forgive. Yeah, this is huge.
I do think I have a tendency to hold a grudge.
And it's hypocritical in a lot of ways because I would hope that people would forgive me.
You know what I mean?
When I do wrong, I hope that people forgive me.
So it is sort of hypocritical of me to be somebody who holds a grudge because I deeply value others' forgiveness towards me, right.
So okay, you know, I need to practice forgiveness.
Maybe every time I feel angry towards a person I take a moment and say, you know what, I forgive them.
I'm going to release this.
I'm going to let this go.
I'll give it a try.
Avoid gossiping about the person.
This is really hard for me.
I absolutely, and this is a toxic trait, and this is something about me that's not good, and we all have toxic traits.
Okay, you have yours.
I have mine. I absolutely do love a bit of gossip here and there.
I do. And it's probably shocking to those of you who listen to my podcast because a lot of podcasts are about gossip.
Like, a lot of podcasts are in one way or another about some sort of gossip.
It's like it's something that many people can talk about for many hours on end.
Whether it's internet drama or it's political drama or it's personal stories, exposés, there's so much gossip in the podcasting space, and yet I avoid it at all costs, so you'd think oh my god, Emma must not be a gossip girl.
No I am, I just don't do it publicly, I totally am and it's not great, like I'm not proud of it, but I'm kind of, it's one of my vices, you know, and I think it's something that I'm aware of as a problem, right, and so I go through phases, I will kind of remove gossiping from my life.
It feels pretty good, but then I slip back into it.
When it goes hand in hand with me being a hater, it is just lethal.
You know, because I think you can gossip without being a hater.
You know, I think being a hater is taking it to the next level, you know, is perhaps fixating on you know specific people, perhaps hitting below the belt you know, like maybe saying stuff that's a little bit less fair, less helpful behind people's backs you know?
It's one thing to be like huh you know this person's behavior is a bit odd and unhealthy and like why do you think they're like that or like that's also sort of gossip but I think that's like helpful gossip and I love that type of gossip.
But I also love gossip of like this person sucks, like, I don't like this person.
And why are they like that?
And that's where we have a problem, because that's, again, very normal, and we all do it sometimes, but if you get into the habit of it, it's just toxic, and it's negative.
So I really need to work on my gossip.
I always need to work on my gossip.
Keep it in line, keep it in check, because I have a tendency to gossip.
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You know, we talk about relationships a lot on this podcast, and we tend to talk about the red flags.
But what about the green flags?
You know, things that we like to see in our partners and friends.
You know, when I think about one of my closest friends in my life, some of their green flags would be the way that they challenge me and hold me accountable, the way that they inspire me because I admire their character.
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Focus on the people that you like.
Absolutely. But when I'm in a hater mood, I will even sometimes start hating the people around me, you know?
Like there are times when I'm Sesha's state of hater.
I'll start to have like, negative hateful thoughts about people that I love.
And that are key fixtures in my life.
Which is incredibly self -destructive.
It's self -destructive and again it's just toxic.
And so I think in those moments I really have to focus on Emma, you gotta just, you gotta stop.
You got to stop. Yeah.
Move onto something that makes you happy.
I do think it's important to have things in your life that bring you joy and that are fulfilling because I've noticed I become a hater.
I think I fall into like a hater phase for a multitude of reasons.
I don't think it's any one thing.
I think it's low self esteem.
I think it's feeling betrayed by people.
I think it's being maybe a bit more depressed than usual just for whatever reason.
perhaps chemical, perhaps life circumstance, but being in sort of a depressed state of mind, and I think it's when my life lacks purpose, my life lacks depth, my life lacks joy.
When I'm in a phase where I don't have anything to look forward to, I don't have anything fun going on, that will contribute to me being a hater.
And so, I think the advice to move on to something that makes you happy is good advice, because I think a lot of times we fall into that state because we have nothing bringing us joy.
Hell yeah, that'll turn you into a hater.
Next, know that it may take time.
I do think being patient with yourself is important in all things.
We're always working on ourselves, and sometimes it takes time.
You can be aware that you have a problem with something and that you need to improve it, but rushing yourself or being frustrated that you're not fixing it fast enough only slows down the process, so that's true.
Okay, and then part 3 is developing a positive outlook.
This article is saying to meditate, which I think is never bad.
Meditating is always good.
I've gone through phases in my life where I've really benefited from meditating.
I've gone through phases in my life where it just hasn't worked for me.
Perhaps I could try it again.
I do feel like I've not been taking a lot of time to meditate and just chill and just close my eyes and breathe, I haven't been finding that time even within other activities, right?
Sometimes I can find meditation in other activities that I'm doing in my life, but I guess I haven't really been giving myself that so perhaps that's something I should work on.
Spend time in nature.
Yeah, that's true. Nothing will make you feel worse than And being stuck inside, stuck in a corporate building, like stuck inside with the stresses of your life.
There's nothing worse than that.
It is important to get out, get some fresh air.
I agree. It does help you regain perspective and just overall be in a better mood.
I've been really focusing on going on nightly walks, mainly because I'm trying to hit 10 ,000 stuffs a day, because that's one of my New Year's resolutions.
And I've done it so far every single day, so I'm kind of killing it.
Sorry that I'm killing it.
Sorry to brag. 10K a day every day, can't help it.
Actually I literally keep pushing it till like 10 p .m. But I go on a night walk.
And sometimes it's the only time I go outside all day because I work inside.
And I exercise a lot of times inside these days, like you know I'm into of hot yoga, so I am inside a lot for that.
Sometimes it's the only time I get out all day and it improves my mood so much. Every single time without fail.
So that's true. The better your mood is, the less of a hater you're gonna be.
Write a gratitude list. This is always good to do and I have not done that in a really long time, so maybe I'll do that later.
Really dig in and just write down every single thing I'm grateful for.
I think that is a really great practice.
It's not always the most convenient.
You can't do it all the time.
I mean, you could. People have gratitude journals, they fill them out.
I think that they're helpful and effective, but not everyone works that way.
Hang out with other positive people.
Yes, that is so true.
When other people are also haters with you, oh my God, by the way, nothing more fun, but it's so toxic.
It is really important to have people around you who are positive, because they can hold you accountable.
They're not going to participate in it with you.
They're not going to stoop to your level.
In fact, the reason why I realized that I've been sort of a hater recently is because I was having a really tough day the other day, and one of my loved ones was like, you're kind of a hater.
Like you've been kind of a hater recently.
You hate everything.
And you're judging everything and that's why you're miserable.
And I was like, well, I don't know if that's why I'm miserable.
I think it's a product of my misery in a way.
But then by being a hater I'm making myself more miserable.
It's a hamster wheel.
And it really brought it to my attention.
And that particular person is a very positive person in my life.
And I was really grateful that they brought it up to me even though at first I was like, fuck you.
Now, I didn't say that, but in my head, I was like, oh my god, that is so annoying.
Shut the fuck up. But then I was like, that's me being a hater, they're actually right.
Next, build your confidence.
So true. As I mentioned earlier, the low self -esteem to hater pipeline, it's solid.
It's solid. If your self -esteem is low, chances are you're also kind of a hater.
Not always. Not always.
But there's a really strong connection there.
it's tough. Like, I'm constantly working on my self -esteem.
Trying to make sure that I am, you know, basing my self -esteem on the right things.
And it's clear, because I'm in a phase of being a hater that my self -esteem is not based on the right thing in my life.
And when I think about like, what am I basing my self -esteem on right now?
If I close my eyes and try to think, I would say my self -esteem is based on ...
Honestly, right now, I would say my work ethic and my productivity and my efficiency.
I'm in a phase of like, come on, Emma.
We need to fucking grind.
You better be grinding, baby.
Let's grind. That is not a good thing to base yourself esteem on, especially for me.
It's not good for anyone, but it's even worse for me because I am a perfectionist, and not in a humble rag sort of way.
In like a detrimental to my productivity and mental wellbeing way.
Like, it's toxic and it gets in the way of me getting shit done.
So when I'm basing my self esteem on my work, basically, I'm doomed.
I'm destined to be disappointed because I'm a perfectionist, which means nothing is ever perfect enough for me.
I never feel like, oh, I'm doing enough.
So if my self -esteem is being based on that, then I'm going to have low self -esteem and that's exactly what's happening right now.
And so I need to figure that out.
I need to focus my energy less inward and more outward, help people get more involved in community.
Like I need to be doing that, and I'm not doing it enough.
Next, focus on things that you have to look forward to.
know, I don't have a lot that I'm looking forward to right now, to be honest. And I've actually like clocked that recently.
And so it's very interesting that that's also on the list because that really resonates for me.
I don't have anything I'm looking forward to.
I don't know why that is.
Perhaps I'm in like maybe a bit of a minor depressive episode where I'm just not really excited about stuff for whatever reason.
Perhaps I'm adjusting to growing up and the things that I used to look forward to, like going out on the weekends, going to music festivals, stuff like that, doesn't really bring me the same sort of joy anymore or it's just not the same anymore because I don't drink alcohol anymore.
Music festivals are exhausting.
By the way, those aren't the only two things that I used to enjoy, but those are just two examples of things that I used to always look forward to.
Like every year I was like, Coachella, I can't wait.
Or like every weekend it was going out, I've to go out this weekend.
I'm going to go to a bar.
Like I can't wait. By the way, that was more of a recent thing that happened within the last few years.
And then more recently the excitement around it has sort of died out because I don't drink anymore.
And so, yeah, I'm not really looking forward to anything recently, and it's kind of felt like I don't really know what I like to do right now.
So I need to fucking figure out something to look forward to.
And last but not least this wikiHow article tells me to pursue something that I love.
I need to find some sort of meaning and I think that that's true I think I think maybe I'm lacking a bit of passion in my life for some reason.
Perhaps it's burnout in all areas of life perhaps it's just being in a routine that's comfortable but I do that I need to pursue something that I love maybe that's a little bit scary maybe this little bit daunting but is ultimately meaningful.
That was actually a pretty good article WikiHow I I benefited from this which is funny because this article has two and a half stars out of five I thought it was fine I thought it was great I'm giving it five stars I don't know why it did so badly.
A bunch of fucking haters, I bet.
Holy shit, totally.
A bunch of fucking haters.
Wow. That is fucking poetic.
That is fucking beautiful.
The WikiHow article, that was actually pretty good, and I think based, I don't think anything that was said in this article was not true.
Got bad reviews because a bunch of fucking haters read it and hated the answer.
hated the truth that they were being shown on the article and they just rated it low because they're a hater and they felt threatened by it all right well that was actually helpful you know what maybe it isn't bad to google your struggles sometimes maybe maybe the internet is helpful I was actually going to read some more articles but I really do feel like that covered it I had another one from very well mind dot -com let's see if that one has anything that wasn't mentioned before, oh you know what, it actually it is making some interesting points.
It says some of the reasons why you may hate people, number one history of being hurt, two, stress very true, number three introverted personality, four, social anxiety, five, ideological differences, and six, low self -esteem.
We already mentioned low self -esteem but those other ones we didn't really touch on. And I think all of those are very true, history of being hurt.
Yes. When I'm feeling betrayed by people in my life, it makes me be a hater.
I just start to hate everyone because I don't feel like I can trust anyone.
When I'm in a phase of my life where I'm stressed, a side effect of that is just having a bad mindset which leads to being a hater.
Being introverted or having social anxiety, you're going to for no particular reason if you're introverted or have social anxiety just because people can cause negative emotions for you.
And then, of course, ideological differences, something that I think is very prevalent today where it can be very hard for people to be accepting of those who maybe have different ideas, and there's varying degrees of severity of that.
This article talks about the consequences of hating people.
I don't need to read anything about that.
I'm experiencing that, okay?
I'm experiencing the darkness that is that.
And let's see, okay last but not least, some coping strategies from VeryWellMind .com.
Avoid all or nothing thinking, ooh, that's a great one, that is a great one, because I have a tendency to do that.
Like, I like to just answer a question, you know what I'm saying?
Do I hate this person or not?
Do I like this person or not?
was the action that that person did bad or not.
And I'm a hypocrite, because I'm always saying we need to, nuance is so important, nuance is so important, but I, myself, will sometimes fall into a trap of all or nothing thinking, black and white thinking, one dimensional thinking.
And that is just unfair to others and unfair to yourself.
Avoiding all or nothing thinking is great advice.
Avoid generalizing, oh, this is if your hatred is towards other or is on a specific group of people, like a certain race, region or religion.
I do not experience that, so we can move on.
For me, that doesn't apply.
Practice empathy, absolutely, absolutely.
But in order to practice empathy, you have to have strength, you have to be strong.
In order to practice empathy, you have to have a solid sense of self -esteem.
esteem. And so, I think it is important to practice empathy but the only way to get there is to fix your self -esteem first, which is something that we've talked about quite a bit today.
Prioritize self -care?
Absolutely. Absolutely.
If you feel like you're taking care of, you're just so much more light and flexible.
When I feel good, like I'm taking care of myself.
I'm exercising, I'm taking care of my skin, I'm eating well.
Not only do I feel good, which puts me in a better mood, but also I feel taken care of.
I'm not expecting things from other people because I'm taken care of, like I'm all good.
I'm not being hyper critical about what other people are doing because I feel solid in myself.
I feel fulfilled, I feel complete.
I don't know, there's something about it it's very helpful.
That's good advice.
Last but not least, seek therapy.
That's also good advice.
Yeah, a therapist can definitely help you figure it out.
Probably better than Google ever could.
Anyway, okay. You know what?
I'm already feeling like less of a hater.
I'm not just saying that.
I actually do feel like, okay, This was all helpful, these were good reminders, and you know what?
I'm not perfect, I still might talk shit a little bit here and there, but I'm on the road to recovery, okay?
And you know, I think it's funny that I'm afraid of being hated on on the internet as a public figure because I myself in some ways am a hater.
I relate to you haters.
Those of you who don't like me, I get it.
Because I probably feel that way about somebody too.
But I, I am different than you, because I'm fucking working on it.
And you're not. But you could be like me, and you could work on it too, and that's what's beautiful.
You know, if you hate me, I invite you to work on this with me.
Let's stop being haters together.
Let's stop being miserable people together.
Let's fucking love.
Let's love again. Let's find love again.
It's in our hearts.
I know it is. Anyway.
Well, I guess together today, we learned how to not be a hater.
That's beautiful. I hope you all enjoyed it, and if you did, new episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday and Sunday.
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Yeah, I think that's all I got.
I love you all. I appreciate you all.
And you know what, I hate you I hate a lot of people and I'm a hater I am a fucking hater but I do not hate you because you support me and you love me and you know what occasionally you might turn on me and you might hate me but I forgive you I'm choosing to forgive you and I love you and let's stick together okay let's stick together all right I need to shut the fuck up all right I'll talk to you all later I love you all I appreciate you all and hopefully the next time I talk you.
I'm less of a hater because that would be an achievement now wouldn't it.
All right, bye.
