Hello and welcome to, welcome back to Train Into Care.
If you're new here, my name is Ashley.
I upload almost every Monday, and I say almost every Monday because I didn't upload last Monday, which I'm so sorry about.
I'm sorry that I didn't give you guys a heads up.
But I really thought when I recorded the week before that my sickness was at its end.
But it was actually just at its peak and I was so sick throughout the last week like I physically could not do anything but lay in my bed and sleep.
But I'm back baby, I'm feeling better than I was knock on wood because uh, last week I thought I was feeling better and it just got worse and worse and worse.
But I am so excited to sit down and record today's episode for you because this is an episode that I feel like I definitely would have needed when I was in my teens and I was exploring different connections and I was becoming attached to summer flings and summer situationships.
I'm a lover girl.
I definitely love to give my all when I'm interested in someone, and that has definitely bit me in the ass before when I've tried to give so much to a person who was really only interested in having a summer fling and not dating year-round.
If you're currently feeling the same way or you're talking to someone right now and you're unsure how they feel, where it's going, and you feel yourself crushing really hard for them and getting really attached to them, but you're afraid of being hurt.
This is the episode for you.
Summer romances feel super intense and sometimes feel like they're more than they are.
You think that this is someone that you're going to go on to date and be with for a really long time, or be with forever?
And then summer ends and so does the connection.
So for today's episode, we're going to talk about summer flings and how to not get attached to them without taking all of your energy away from them completely.
And also how to enjoy the experience without letting it consume you completely.
You can absolutely have a summer fling and have feelings and have fun without needing to have a certain outcome.
So if you're struggling with being attached to a summer situationship, this one's for you.
Let's get into it.
I think summer romances are so exciting and something that so many of us long for, because it's just a more carefree time.
More people are working less.
They're not in school.
It seems like the days are longer.
There's more to do.
You can go to the beach.
You can go swimming in the middle of the night.
You can do really cute dates like mini golfing, going to a drive-in movie theater.
You could have a bonfire.
You get to sneak out in the middle of the night to see your person.
Like it's just different energy.
It's different than dating during the rest of the year.
And it's heavily romanticized in movies and TV and books.
Like everyone wants to at least have a summer fling once in their life.
And it's built up to be this big thing because we all want it.
But we tend to think that these flings are more than they are, because in these books and movies and TV shows it always ends up working out.
So we think that's going to happen for us too, which totally can happen.
But the thing is, just because something feels cinematic and it feels magical, like a once in a lifetime connection, it doesn't mean that it's going to last and it's going to be a connection that you have forever.
During the summer, we all have a lot more time to ourselves.
But when the fall comes around, we all have different priorities.
People are going off to school.
They're focusing more on their jobs.
People move away.
And we just have different schedules.
And sometimes you don't fit into that person's schedule or into that person's life.
You both might really like each other and you both might have fallen really hard for each other.
But sometimes other things matter more, like timing matters, more the distance matters, more your lifestyles matter more.
Like during the summer, when you both have free time.
It works.
But the summer ends and you just don't align anymore.
And I talked about this in the last episode.
But you can have a really strong connection with someone.
That person can mean a lot to you.
And that connection also doesn't have to be a constant.
And that person doesn't have to stay in your life indefinitely.
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Not everyone is meant to be your forever person.
And just because you like them a lot and you wanted it to work out doesn't mean it's going to.
You can't force a connection.
You can't force someone to want to be with you.
Sometimes you just have to let go.
And that's why detachment is so important.
So you're able to let go without it consuming you.
I've seen a lot of videos of people talking about this idea of not letting yourself fall for your situationship, how to not like the person that you're seeing casually.
And that's not what I'm giving you advice on.
I don't think it's productive to tell you how to stop liking someone, unless obviously, they're toxic and they're really bad for you.
But something like a summer fling, really is harmless if you're able to detach.
Summer flings are supposed to be fun.
They're supposed to feel like they do in the movies and in the books.
It's okay to have strong feelings for someone and connect with them.
That's our purpose here, to connect with other people and experience things and enjoy life.
I think it's dumb to cut yourself short and sever a connection just because it's not going to work out indefinitely.
Most relationships don't last forever.
Just because you two aren't going to be boyfriend and girlfriend and you're not going to be long-term doesn't mean that you're not allowed to learn more about this person and have intimate moments with them and let your guard down.
That's the purpose of life.
That's what it is to be human.
But there is a difference in having feelings for someone and then being attached to someone.
Having feelings for someone looks like getting butterflies when you think about them or when you see them.
You're so excited to see them and you just want to keep spending time with them and wanting to build more memories with them and you want to open up to them.
Whereas being attached to someone is letting them decide how you feel, letting them dictate if you're happy or you're sad, based on if they want to see you, if they want to text you, if they want to tell you they like you.
Feeling like if you were to lose them or if it doesn't work out, you're going to be devastated and you're not going to know how to move on from it.
You don't have to avoid vulnerability or put your guard up completely and just cut them off because you're afraid of being hurt.
You can still like someone and enjoy spending time with them.
Just don't make someone you've known for a month or two responsible for your well-being.
I think the best way to enjoy your summer fling is by accepting that it can go either way.
There is a very real chance that you could get to the end of the summer and your boo thing doesn't want to be your partner year round.
And that is something that is valid to be upset about.
It is totally natural to be sad that someone that you want to pursue long term doesn't want the same thing as you.
But where detachment comes along is seeing that and being like, okay, I'm upset.
But just because they don't want to continue this connection doesn't mean that it wasn't real.
It doesn't lower my value.
It doesn't mean anything other than we're not meant to be more than we were.
And I'm okay regardless.
With all of that being said.
Let's get into how to not get attached to your summer fling.
Do not give boyfriend and girlfriend energy to someone who is not your partner.
And what I mean by this is sometimes when you really like someone, you close yourself off completely and you act taken emotionally, mentally, physically, emotionally. even when you aren't, aka not going on any more dates, rejecting anyone who's interested in you, acting like if you were to pursue other options, you would be cheating on your summer fling, even though... you aren't exclusive and I get when you like someone it naturally makes you not want to see other people because you're just so locked in on that one person that everyone else kind of disgusts you which I totally get I'm not saying that you have to have a roster and be exploring a million connections like you're on love island but also when you're acting exclusive but you aren't and you're acting like you guys are boyfriend and girlfriend, and you aren't, you tend to prioritize that person over everyone else, even your friends and your family.
You might cancel plans with your friends because your boo thing wants to see you or you don't want to make plans because you're like oh well, we usually hang out on the weekend, so I need to make sure my schedule is clear so I can see them just planning your entire schedule around them.
And you're doing all of this while not even having a conversation with that person on whether you're exclusive or not.
I think it's so important to have that conversation with your situationship, to figure out where you're at and if you're on the same page, because here you are acting, taken acting as if you are boyfriend and girlfriend and they're out there having the time of their life talking to you and 10 other people acting like they're in Casa Amor.
You're acting closed off and they're still seeing other people accepting new dates and keeping their options open.
Unless you've had that conversation and have mutually decided to be exclusive, you should absolutely act like you are on Love Island and move the way that you want to move and not allow someone else to determine how you spend your summer.
Which leads me to number two, don't make your whole summer about them.
I understand the excitement of wanting to see this person.
I understand there's so little time during the summer and you just want to enjoy every moment that you can with them.
It's fine to feel that way and be excited about your connection with them.
But there's a difference in being excited and then being desperate and feeling like I only have so much time with this person because once summer ends, we're gonna end.
So you just throw yourself at this person whenever you get the chance to.
I used to do this all the time with my situationships, because I felt like anytime that they wanted to spend time with me, I had to take advantage of it, because I'm like well, what if I don't get the opportunity again?
And I just gave them so much control over my life and I made everything about them.
A summer fling should feel fun and it should feel natural.
They should fit organically into your life and into your schedule, and you shouldn't be moving things around them, especially when they're not doing that for you.
Do not make your entire summer about them.
Continue doing the things that you normally do.
Keep up with your other relationships, your friendships, your family.
Don't skip out on memories that you could be making with them and going on vacations and having girls nights because, at the end of the day, you only have so much time with those people too.
Don't you want to enjoy your summer with other people, or the other people that are so important to you or should be important to you?
Also, do not stop investing in yourself.
Do not stop caring about your needs and your desires because of this person.
Don't set your goals aside.
Don't stop working on your own projects.
Don't stop caring about the things that are important to you.
Don't stop showing up for yourself or let this one person get in between you and your routine.
It's so important that you continue pursuing the things that make you happy that don't involve this person.
It's so important that you keep learning and growing and you know traveling and working hard to build your dream life that does not revolve around them.
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Number three, don't plan your future around potential.
I know when you really like someone and you feel like you found your person and you've built this really great connection.
You want to talk about the future.
You want to make plans for the upcoming season and talk about what you're going to do together during the fall.
You're going to go apple picking.
You're gonna carve pumpkins.
You're gonna go and do matching halloween costumes.
You're gonna spend christmas together.
You're going to visit each other at school which is totally fine.
It is totally fine to be excited for those things and make tentative plans.
But don't mistake conversations for commitments.
There's been so many times where I'm having conversations with my girlfriends and we're just hyped up and we're out having drinks and we're like we're going to book a trip to Florida.
We're going to go to Disney.
We're going to do X, Y and Z. And then those things don't happen.
And the thing is you don't get upset about them not happening because you're not attached to the outcome.
You're just having fun talking about the what ifs and what could be with your girls.
There is a huge difference in we should do this or this would be fun to do together.
And then we're definitely building a future together.
We are dating.
We are together.
This is the next steps that we're doing together.
I think it's so important to understand this and be okay with not having a concrete plan and not having your future planned out perfectly with this person.
Because if you become attached to these things and you really believe they're going to happen, you're set on them, you're committed to them, but they aren't and these things don't happen.
That's when you become crushed.
That's when you feel like you've been bamboozled and lied to and let on.
And you know there's a good chance that you might have been let on and I'm not dismissing someone doing that to you.
I think that it's messed up and I think they should be held accountable.
But in this instance, I'm just looking out for your best interest mentally and emotionally.
It's going to hurt less and you won't feel so betrayed and you won't care so much if you don't become attached to the what ifs.
And that leads me to number four, which is stay grounded in reality.
Part of the reason we become so attached to people is we fall in love with the idea of them and the idea of what we could be with them.
We romanticize this person and we make them out to be better than they are and better to us than they actually are.
And then we accept that as fact.
In our head, they're this amazing person and in reality, they're someone completely different.
But then when they do shitty things, we make excuses for them, because the person we think they are would never do that.
They would never.
And if they did, they didn't mean to.
And if they did mean to, they clearly had a really good reason to do that.
I know that it's really hard to accept that the person you think someone is isn't actually who they are, but it's so important that you focus more on how someone behaves and how they treat you, versus the way you wish they would treat you or the way you think they are or what you think they could be.
Instead of thinking about your future together and getting so excited about their potential, be more concerned with their now.
Like not to be harsh, but I don't care if you think this person is a good person.
Is the person they actually are a good person?
And are they good to you?
Are they kind?
Are they respectful?
Do their words and actions line up?
Are they consistent with how they treat you?
Are they telling you one day they really like you and then the next they're ghosting you for two weeks?
Do they want the same things as you?
Or are they looking at you and treating you as if you're a booty call and that's all you are?
Don't let romanticizing fool you into believing that this person could be what you need.
Do not let your imagination make you believe that this is your person and that they want the same things as you.
Because if you focus too much on their potential and you disregard the red flags, you are going to get hurt when you realize that this person is not who you think they are and they don't want the same things as you.
Summer romances are meant to be enjoyed and not forced.
There shouldn't be so much pressure to make them more than they are.
And they also shouldn't feel like this impending doom, like you only have a certain amount of time with them and then they're just going to kick you to the curb.
I think just like any connection, there's risk and reward.
There is a chance that if you like this person and they like you and you're on the same page, it works out and you end up together.
But there's also the risk of it ending at the end of the summer.
There's no reason to just put your guard up and not allow yourself to have feelings for this person just because you're afraid of being hurt.
It's not realistic to... make yourself not feel something just to protect yourself.
You can still protect yourself while building a connection with someone and having fun with them, without having to have this big commitment.
What I want you to get from this episode is that you can absolutely have a summer fling and enjoy all the perks of having that summer romance without being attached and needing it to be more.
You can have chemistry with someone without there being a need to have commitment.
If you're currently involved in a little summer situationship, or if you like someone right now but you're afraid of being hurt, I say go after it, have fun, but match your energy to their level of investment in you.
Keep investing in yourself.
Keep building your own life and try to appreciate the connection without needing it to last forever.
Be okay with whatever comes next and just know that whatever does happen next, it's for the best and it's not the end of the world if you don't end up with them.
Some people aren't meant to be in your life forever and that's okay.
That doesn't take away from what you had or minimize your impact on each other's lives.
It's obviously amazing if it does work out and it becomes more than just a summer fling, but if it doesn't, then you'll be okay either way.
The best thing you can do is enjoy the moment, stay grounded in reality and never let one person's decision determine the quality of the rest of your year.
So I hope that this episode helps you.
I hope it gives you some clarity and I hope it makes your summer a little less stressful.
If you liked today's episode, make sure to rate Try Not To Care on Spotify and Apple.
It helps me out so much.
If you're not already, make sure to follow me on social media.
My Instagram and TikTok are linked in the show notes.
And as always, thank you so much for hanging out with me and listening to today's episode.
I hope to have you back here next week but until then i'll talk to you next monday bye
