Hi, welcome back to Eat Your Cress Podcast. I'm G-Soo. I'm Crystal and I'm Jin
So this week we have my good friend Jin on who went to high school with me and is also from the Bay Area
We invited him on for our topic, but we'll get to that in a second because he's also a good guest because I feel like he's pretty in tune with
Gen Z slang and I brought a Gen Z word of the week
It's actually a word that you use sometimes Jin or I guess it's a phrase
So the phrase is on God. I thought this one was a really funny one because
People type it a lot like in games or just like online and the way they type it is
O N G and for the longest time I fucking thought it was a typo. I thought we were just saying yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and so I was like dude like what is up with this typo and I'm pretty sure I actually have made that typo
As well before and people probably fucking thought I was saying on God, but I was trying to say OMG
I remember for the longest time my iPhone would auto correct OMG to O N G because I made that typo so much
It just thought that was the word I meant this is a funny one because I feel like a lot of guys use this
I've personally never seen girls use it
But a lot of our guy friends do say this phrase sometimes that's relatable
I've said that two girls and I think they not knowing the word itself just assume I said OMG
They don't realize until like months later like no reaction. Yeah, there's no reaction
They just assume that I that's the worst I think that could happen with slang or an abbreviation where you've been using it for some time
And you think they're getting the message, but they're not and like
It's not until later that they reveal that they had no idea what you're referring to
Damn they really let themselves sit in the dark for months. Yeah, yeah
But that's funny you mentioned that because I do I say that a lot?
I don't I don't even realize I said that a lot. I do I feel like it's like in the same category of words such as like dead ass
No cap and I think they're just interchangeable sometimes they say all three at once like if it's
Really want a hammer home, you know
All right, so I haven't revealed the definition of this phrase yet, but it basically means I'm serious
So yeah, you're right is like kind of similar to dead ass and the root of the word which this one I know is
It comes from like I swear to God basically
So they just cut out all the earlier shit and just say on God like I swear on whatever so there's actually a bay area
specific
Variation of this slang which is on my mom or something along those lines
Yo, I just saw a take talk today. Well, they said it was on Cita like maybe like CITA
Uh-huh forgive my familiarity with like I think like mom as Cita is what they said as like you know
The longer form version of that or maybe I'm just assuming here, but apparently that's Bay Area on Cita
I think I saw that exact tick-tock and it's funny because the title is like oh Bay Area slang translated and I was like
Oh shit, I'm from the Bay Area. Let's watch it
Yeah, I didn't know a single phrase and I just felt so much out
Was this the one with like curtains and like yeah, yeah, okay, okay. Oh my god. That's crazy
I feel like I know very little Bay Area slang actually. I don't even know what Bay other than like
Hello, but that's like NorCal
I think it's not even NorCal anymore. I feel like everyone says that. That's true. It's pretty universal now
Yeah, so Jen when Crystal said you use this phrase a lot is it mostly typed out or do you also speak it out loud like in person?
That's a great question. I think I mostly type it out like texting or I actually don't know that's it
I might just be lying I
I feel like I say that one the least though because it's like the most likely to be maybe controversial
I don't know why for whatever reason. I think no cap is the safest
Mm-hmm
And then dead ass if it's like if you want to swear a little bit and then on God is like truly if you know
They're not gonna be upset for whatever reason because not sure seems like the least PC out of all of them
So I guess it's still up for debate whether you're a true Gen Z soul or if you're only a keyboard Gen Z warrior
Yeah, I'm definitely not a true Gen Z soul. I think it's like I just enjoy
Using new things until they become an ironic like in the beginning
It's for fun and then eventually just becomes part of my actual lingo
But like I always feel like a true Gen Zier will hear me say it and just be like this person's clearly just
Trying to pretend or
You know clearly not one of us and is trying to fit in because I feel like when I was younger and I
Talked to or heard maybe people in a older generation say things I say a lot. It just never felt right
You know because it just felt like why are you saying that like?
That's fair. Should I throw in a bonus word this week? Yeah, yeah, yeah, throw it in
Yeah, yeah, because we keep talking about Gen Z versus like us. I guess a word popped up recently
Which I thought actually died so you can correct me if I'm wrong Chugie I
Actually have never heard this one before. Oh, okay, so this one someone who was like really getting into the depths of TikTok
Taught me this one last year
basically means like
Boomer or like outdated
So like that's Chugie. I think that's like the most basic use of it
Someone linked me a video today that had that word in it and they're like oh what is what do you know what Chugie means?
And I was like shit. I do know I guess I'm like I'm getting better at this Gen Z slang stuff
But I actually thought that it was a word that died because after I learned about it
I didn't hear about it anymore like very soon after yeah
I also thought it died because I remember it was like the biggest thing to bully millennials and call them Chugie for like two weeks
Then suddenly no one cared anymore and the Gen Z years had moved on but I guess the bullying is back
Did someone say that to you like in conversation like how did that where did you see that word because I?
I've only heard of it through like third-party context so someone teaching me the word and
Seeing it in like a video or something no one's ever used that word to me. I think I've only seen it on TikToks
Where they make fun of all millennials who do X or
Action that is considered Chugie. I have no idea if there's a root word for this one. I think it's just like completely made up
How do you spell it? I think it's like C-H-E-U-G-G-Y. That sounds yeah, that's very made up
It's like half gibberish. Yeah
Well, I feel really lucky that there was a bonus Gen Z word this week
Although it's still up in there whether it's a dead word or not
But let's kind of get back to the topic of the day, which is actually friendships at different stages of our life
So now that we are in our late 20s officially
There's been several you know major phases of our life that we have gone through different types of friendships
May have encountered through each phase and just overall some learnings about friendships as well as ourselves in friendships that we may have collected
Through the times. So let's kind of kick this off by talking through some of the big different stages of our life so far
Yeah, I guess like the most obvious stages are childhood
Maybe we can call it like before a college BC and then there's like college and
then
After college. I mean that's how I kind of view the stages of life currently
But I do think there's like a couple of possible extra segments in there
Like if you moved around in your childhood or after college if you moved around as well
I totally agree. I think especially the before college distinction is what hits me a little bit because
Technically high school in itself could be its own section
But I feel like before we went to college there was all this hubbub of
People when you go to college you don't even hang out with your high school friends anymore like I remember hearing that relatively often as like
Kind of a myth, I guess so I remember always thinking
Either oh this friendship I can see ending before college or
I'm gonna make sure this friendship stays alive through college and after so those are kind of two big
Distinctions that I felt regarding that myth. Do that's ruthless. You were like this friendship like whatever
I go out to college. I guess it wasn't as much like okay this friendship is gonna fucking end the minute
I leave my hometown, but it was kind of more like
Certain friendships weren't as strong or as long term in my eyes
So I felt that
Temperariness I guess and I was like that means I have to enjoy it a lot right now and
Enjoy for what it is and not think too deep about is this friendship gonna last or is it not?
I just want to like be in the moment whether or not this is a long-term friendship and I think for someone like me who can get
Really sentimental and in my fields it helped me to like step back a little bit and
Embrace that instead of constantly worrying like are we gonna be friends day two of college day three of college etc
I
Did not have that level of planning or foresight into which friends I was going to maybe keep in touch with or
Make more of an active effort. I think it was very just go with the flow and kind of whatever happens happens
For me which you know in retrospect
It would have been nice to have a bit more of that I think but it was not until I think end of college for me that I
Was maybe more aware of how friendships are or can be a lot more ephemeral if you don't do anything about them
So a bit of a lesson learned
Hmm, yeah that makes sense. I think maybe I was kind of in the middle of you two where I totally also heard the thing where I was like
Oh, you'll never hang out with your high school friends again for some reason my parents kept saying that to me
It was probably just their way of trying to make me avoid
Well not avoid friendship, but like avoid spending too much time hanging out with people and trying to like study more
And I guess that made me go into college though with a certain level of expectation where I was like oh shit
So like college I'm about to make
Hella friends and meet hella people
but that's not always the case necessarily because
One that doesn't match my personality, I would say
Usually if I find a couple of good friends. That's like who I'll stick with whoever makes me like the most comfortable
I'm not really about to go out there and like make hella friends just because I want to so I guess like
I didn't necessarily have a plan, but I just had expectations going into that life transition
I can totally relate to that actually because I think I also carried in to college a set of expectations on
The friendships partly because of the myth like you said, but I think also just because my idea of friendship was so
It was literally just what I knew from my own personal friendships, right?
So that when I went into college I was like in some ways looking for a college version of what I had
What kind of friendships I had in high school when I feel like it's just a totally different ballgame in college
And you also of course can't expect to get to know people
So quickly to the point where it matches up with like your six seven year friendships from your hometown
To me it was kind of like a shock I think and I was like okay
I don't know anything about making friends because I've lived in the same city for the last like 10 years
Basically and that was kind of a transition I had to make internally too
That's such a good point like the skill of making friends
So actually in childhood I moved I would say there's like two significant moves in my life
One was when I moved from Canada to California that first move and it was like a brand new location brand new school all that stuff
I couldn't even get into the school district that I lived in because it was so full of students
So I got overloaded to a
Different district that was a little farther and so I spent two years there and I like tried really hard to make friends
But then after elementary school I there was room again for whatever reason and I was able to go into like the school district
Where I lived and then I was like aw shit
Well now I have to make friends again and I think like after trying really hard for those two times
Which were like not even that far apart from each other?
I was like gasped and then going into college I was like I don't know how to make friends anymore
Yeah, I think that's really interesting you brought up the moves because I think maybe the reason why I
Didn't have any foresight or planning going to college was because I never had like a moment prior to that
Where it was like a net loss in friends or like moving truly moving away from people that you were familiar with?
I think like having grown up basically in Fremont for the most part like elementary school and to junior high and to high school
It was always like an addition of newer people, but you always carried over people you were friends with from like the previous
I guess stage into the next and so I never had experienced losing all your friends that you've met
If that makes sense not until college where it was like pretty much a clean wipe, right?
Right none of my friends went to the same college
Everyone was new and so I think that was the first instance in which I
Experienced that sudden loss in like all the people that used to talk to or familiar with so that maybe is why I didn't like think about that
Nearly as much until a hit how did that feel for you?
Was it one of those things where
Gradually, you know you kind of stopped chatting with high school friends and then all of a sudden you're like oh shit
I just realized I haven't seen them in so long or was it more like as it was happening
You kind of thought about it the whole time because colleges so there's so much stimulus and like the new people you meet and the new
Friendships you're forming I think in the beginning was easy to forget or like not pay attention to
What was happening to maybe some of the friendships from high school because you had a lot of new friendships that you know
You're or the primary
Friendships of your life and whatnot. I mean, you know you'd come back for break
You know hit up some high school friends and it feel really familiar
I think at the beginning and things would click very instantly and so in the beginning you felt like oh things are great
These people I might not see them that often but when we do see each other
It's it's very natural and it feels like they will always be there that helped almost like reassure that
Those things wouldn't change that much or they would be there for a while
But I think you know as college went on that I don't think
Ended up being the case as people you know grew further and further apart became more entrenched or closer to maybe the circles
Friends they formed in college and I think those naturally I think drifted away more as time went on
I don't know when but at some point like maybe I reflected on people that I used to hit up
Coming home from college and I was like oh, I haven't actually talked to them or seen them in a while
And then that's when I realized oh there's there's been a change in you know the friendships
Yeah, I think that's a really good and
Deep analysis my brain is like
Fuck I need to think more on this I need to reflect now, but I think you're totally right for me in college
I had like a group chat with this main group of high school friends that was like surprisingly
Very strong throughout college, but I think what really helped there was the fact that we
Mostly all went to UCs and we're like pretty close to each other
Distance-wise for the most part I would actually go up to LA or Irvine to hang out with those people because I was like so close to San Diego
A lot of people would also come home during break and then as you said like we would reconnect and hang out and it would be all familiar and stuff
But like outside of that core friend group
There was definitely a lot of
Drifting from like other friends especially if they were like one-off friends or you know friends that
Didn't necessarily belong in a particular friend group and I think there was a point in time where I maybe started to
Realize that as well. I can't remember if it's like towards the end of college or maybe those after college
But I was like I really should just like reach out to some of these people and hit them up and hang out with them
But at the same time that's also like a lot of work
No, I totally agree and I think this is an interesting thing to when you live in your hometown and maybe a lot of your old
High school friends also live in the same hometown if there's distance
Then you still kind of see them once they're back home the effort isn't as big
But I feel like when you both live in the same hometown there has to be more constant effort that's applied in a sense
So I think when I've
experienced certain
Friendships like longstanding friendships from before college get phased out. I
Always kind of think back to that concept of in any sort of friendship whether it's a friend group or a one-on-one friendship
I feel like there's always one person who
Texts the other person more and if I was the one who texted them less than
It weighs a little heavy on me like I feel a little bit more responsibility in a sense
It's okay. I think if you text them less and
And they're like not an important friendship, I guess then it'll eventually just phase out
They were just never that important to you
Is that a brutal? Yeah, I do think though like at this age
It does take a lot of effort to like reach out to people and so
It does make you kind of consider is this person
Worth still reaching out to or just worth the effort and time as brutal as that sounds like not not saying that we're just gonna like drop
Everyone but like I think sometimes it's like oh this person is someone who I have like valuable conversations with or like a really good time with then
Maybe I know from that that they're worth keeping in my life, but like maybe someone else
You're like, oh well, I mean it's alright when I hang out with them. It's like whatever so then you could be using that energy
To maintain friendships that make you happier. Yeah, I think that's a good distinction to make too like
There's types of friendships that naturally phase out and then there's friendships where you're kind of consciously like
Okay, I'm gonna step back from this one a little bit
I guess I in a new way I kind of have a feeling that like any sort of meaningful friendship
It's never like lost fully, you know, even if you don't talk for a while like I feel like you could always kind of go back and
If the moment is right and you're both in similar life stages, then it should be okay
So I guess that makes me feel a little better. That's true though
I think there's definitely those friendships where it's like even if you haven't
Talked in a long time when you do talk. It's like totally natural and it's still like super chill
Those ones are nice because it's like still a really good friendship without the
Need for constant upkeep. Yeah, I think constant upkeep is code dependency, which I'm not
That's not that's not fun and a friendship for me personally. I get I get it for people who you know
That's what they're looking for. Yeah, oh, okay, actually I forget if I mentioned this on the podcast before
But I kind of have a theory that like
people who are single
Need more co-dependent friendships because they don't have a significant other who they can just like
Talk with all the time. So there's like two routes in my mind when I picture this
One is like they find maybe like one or two friends where they like really just
Require their attention
But the other
Road would be that they just kind of like pick and choose and they get their attention from different friends
At different times and then that becomes enough for them
So then I guess one is like more focused code dependency and then the other one is more just like spread out like
Friendship focuses not necessarily like code dependency when they get back into relationship
Do they just stop talking to you?
That's so funny because I feel like one of the most
Passionate friendship areas of my life was post breakup a long time ago like back in high school
And my best friend from childhood
She had also just broken up with her boyfriend and this was like right before summer started
I spent that entire summer with her basically and looking back now like the person I am and like the type of
Friendships I like it's just so funny to me that I was able to just like always do sleepovers eat like every meal with her
Just text her phone call her all the time. It's just funny looking back. Oh, yeah, I've never heard of a passionate friendship before
So that's yeah, I'm kind of envious wish I had that with somebody. It's okay. It's not too late
True, true. Yeah, true find someone who's just recently broken up and take advantage of them dude
It's a perfect equation for best friendship. Yeah, I kind of want to go back to
College stage of life. I feel like we were talking about making friends and maybe it was a little harder because of like being put in that position for the first time
I have one observation and one question
One is I think also college the way classes are set up especially the first year classes like intro to whatever
There's like 500 students in your class. It's like not set up for friendship success, right?
I think that was something that I found to be a little hard in the first year because in high school
It's like you have classes with 30 people and you have six different classes each day
And you just see these people over and over so it's like easier to eventually form a friendship
Whether you want to or not. I just like forced upon you almost and then my question is
For college out of like maybe desperation or something. Did you ever do anything really out of your comfort zone to make friends?
Yeah, I joined a fraternity
Who would have thought? I feel like that's a pretty good one and knowing Jin it was a surprise
Where I found out. Yeah, there it is. Yeah, I was like wow really
I don't know that I felt desperate
I think they just did a really good job of convincing me that it was a good idea to join
Hmm not that I regret it
But I do feel similarly that like you're no longer making friends through your classes. It's not forced upon you. You do have to
Find some sort of avenue where you're seeing people
More frequently or like doing activities working on things in close proximity for for those kinds of more organic friendships to kind of develop
So I think for me
I feel like my
Friendship statuses in college can be divided into a couple distinct phases
freshman year when I first met crystal and James and I had some high school friends also go to that
You see I felt like we were in the series friends where it was just like we were like the freshman squad
and played a lot of video games at home and then we also went out together a lot eight meals together
That to me was kind of like okay, this is what college is like this is why everyone talks about college
And then I think in sophomore and junior year
I was kind of in that new relationship phase of my life
So I did have some efforts to go out and make friends, but as you are or as many people are new relationships
I feel like I was very sucked into that comfort stepping out of that comfort zone was
Not like my number one priority. So definitely those were like the years where I feel like my memories are kind of like friends
I already had from freshman year and then like James and classes
But senior year I did make a bigger group of friends through some mutual friends that I had and I joined kind of like a new friend group
And things like that and I think that was the year where I really tried to push myself outside of my comfort zone
One of the things that I had sort of developed in the past couple years
I start to feel sort of nervous in social situations without James
Which is a little embarrassing to admit, but you know, it's like the boyfriend crutch and I have social anxiety
So kind of you know, it's a perfect formula, but in senior year I tried to really get loose from that
And I think it helped a lot. So the social skills and like my conversation skills
And even just you know being able to exercise discomfort in certain situations that I learned that year
I feel like really helped me later post-college friendships
And that were kind of like different back and forths from me in college
I remember that in fourth year I was like wow, Gisoo has like a whole bunch of new friends now
And like they would come over to our apartment and stuff. I was like whoa, Gisoo is the rival
I always thought that was really cool to see because you're I totally know what you're talking about where like
In college, so me and Gisoo were in the same friend group and I think we were just really comfortable with each other in the first two years
Maybe it was bad for us because when I saw that like you know, this friend group is pretty solid
I just like stopped making friends
But then slowly like starting towards the end of first year
More and more people started joining fraternities
And then you know the whole pledging process is like super busy
So I think by like third year it was more like just me Gisoo and James
We were the only ones who didn't join a frat yet
And so we were like hanging out here and there
But yeah, I think definitely during that time there was like a little bit more of
Not really isolation but like drifting feeling of that friend group
And then maybe that's when we were all like oh shit, we're like not safe
Like we got to make some friends right now
Yeah, I think looking back at my college experience
I think I hear this story a lot where I think people have like phases within college where they are
Feeling like you know, they need to make more friends or need to do something about whatever their friendship
Situation is whatever that means
But I feel like for me for whatever reason it felt like I met everyone that I ended up being really close friends with
All in the beginning of my first year
Half of that was the people in my fraternity I suppose
And then the other half were just people that I met in the beginning of college like in like the first week of school
For whatever reason those were like the predominant like two groups that I was involved in or
felt like consistent basically throughout college and there wasn't too much of a change
In terms of like people leaving those friend groups or people feeling like they joined a new friend group in the middle of college
And so that felt nice having those kind of two consistent groups
And then I feel like because that was already like a good amount of people that I didn't ever feel the need to look for something else
A circle or a group to join
Everyone else I think was just more like one-off if that makes sense
There was no more new friend groups in college after that. Yeah, that's pretty nice
Also, I guess like going back to the fraternity thing it like surprises you how many people join fraternities
But I also think it makes total sense
There's at least like a handful of people who are childhood friends or whatever who joined fraternities
And I was like wow, I would never have expected that
Because the reputation is like you just go and like you drink a new party
It's actually like pretty different because a lot of it is
Making friends and meeting new people even if people pledge but then end up not going through with it
There's definitely like friendships to be made there
So I always thought that was pretty interesting and I guess because you did it pretty early
You joined in your first year right?
So that gave you like a pretty stable
Reliant group of people throughout the rest of college
I feel like after our friends in college joined slowly through like first and second year
I was like more convinced so I actually joined a frat. I joined really late in third year
I think I went in not expecting much because I was like I just want a big like I want a big sister basically
But then I came out of it with like a lot more friendships than I anticipated
What are your thoughts from someone who did not join a frat?
Jesus so I guess as like an outsider
It was really interesting to like watch everyone slowly join a frat and how that would change our friendship in a certain sense
So it's obviously never like intentional
But same with new relationships new fraternities can also make someone less available
What I found kind of interesting too was so in first year like you had mentioned earlier when everyone was slowly doing frats
I feel like I kind of
Looked at frats as something that took my friends away from me because I wasn't in one
I wasn't interested in joining one and I saw that once people pledged
It's like they literally had zero free time zero free weekends and they were constantly
Talking to their front members or like talking to me about their front life and then I was like oh
This isn't a world that I'm
interested in or feel is relevant to me
So it was like kind of a change and then
Later like as I kind of matured throughout the years
I was like oh if you were just trying to make friends
It's obviously nothing personal
But I like took it kind of personally in a sense and then it probably wasn't until senior year where I
Kind of understood what the desire was and what the intentions were and things like that
It feels very immature to like say these things out loud, but I feel like when you're
18 you like just feel bad and that you find something to like finger point I guess or like put blame on
Miley embarrassed
No, don't be embarrassed. Yeah, please don't be I feel like that's a totally
Normal reaction. I think I definitely probably felt something similar to where I was like damn like
People in our friend group are dropping like flies to frats
You know like
We're losing them basically and it was very true and maybe more obvious because our friend group was kind of like set in place
Pretty early on, but people didn't start joining frats until like the second half of first year or later
So then it was like their absence was
Noted basically like I see
He's busy with his frat stuff of course, right?
But I think like what's good though is that like by the end of college and like now even post-college that friend group is still pretty solid
I guess it just goes to show that we chose pretty solid friends
So that actually leads me to a question once again about college life
Do you think college
Friendships or maybe like the friendships you experienced in college were more tumultuous or like varying
Versus like childhood friends
Yeah, so I think for college friends they
Come from a like a larger spectrum in terms of background and the types of
Environments they grew up in in the beginning. I think that required a bigger kind of like reach in terms of like connecting with people from college
Because I think they felt more different like there's there's more differences than things in common in the early stages of making friends in college
That did feel more tumultuous as far as you know, you're trying to become friends with someone that you know
You're as you're becoming friends you're learning like oh wow this person's actually really different for me
I think that was part of the novelty in the excitement of you know making friends with people that are quite different from you
And I think that actually ended up being some of my favorite
Parts of the friendships that I built in college were while surprisingly even though we come from such different backgrounds
We actually have a lot of really interesting things in common and that kind of for just really like memorable and lasting friendships
I think compared to high school. I feel like you you know grow up in this kind of
shared context and some very formative years of your life and so that feels very comfortable
And like you feel like you just belong in a certain way and like that happened
Very organically in that you know, I can't even really describe
That process because it just happened whereas you know, I think I can better detail kind of like the process of some of the friendships
I mean in college because they were definitely trading on kind of like new ground
Yeah, that makes sense
That's an interesting point to think about how a lot of friendships from your childhood
You're just you were always friends like you can't remember the first time you talked to each other on the playground or whatever
But with college there's a little bit more
Intentionality in a sense and you're a little bit more like sentient and like older to be able to process
You know memories like that. I guess my answer to your question crystal would be I think I have pretty different vibes with my college group of friends
And my high school group of friends
What I feel with my college group of friends is
Anytime I see them, it's always gonna be really fun
And I have like complete faith and trust in that and because I have faith in that
I know even if I don't see them for a while it would still be like that
This is I guess what I just think in my head
But I would say that my high school friends really know me like I feel like they really see me
They've seen me through you know crazy years of my grade school life and all of that
They've seen me when I was maybe less emotionally regulated
Those are things that you know you had to be there to like be with me in that developmental stage like those aren't things that I could
Tell in a story and have someone understand it
So then I like definitely really value that a lot but
I will say something that I've been kind of feeling lately is
Because I value my high school friendships in that kind of special way
Not saying I don't value my college friendships, but it's sort of a different legacy
Sometimes I feel like I
Think about the upkeep of high school friendships more because I don't want to lose that and
With college friends kind of like what we talked about earlier
There's been moments where we drift and then we you know hang out again and then we drift and we hang out
It's like a toxic boyfriend like I know it'll always be back and forth and it's fine
That's just the nature of it
But I guess with high school friends I feel a little bit more pressure to maintain
Hmm interesting because they know all your lore you can't just let that out into the wild
Yeah, I don't want to be exposed
Hmm, that's interesting. I don't know if I've ever felt specific pressure for
High school friends
But I think that makes sense like it would be pretty devastating to lose someone who knows like
You know 15 20 years of your history
It's also interesting though. I asked this question because I feel like in college
We also go through a lot of change in just four to five years
And so maybe college is like junior high
Plus high school time condensed into like four years
Maybe even include elementary school in there. Maybe there's like friends cycles that just happen faster
They just like leave your life after a couple months or something and then like the ones who
Stuck with you through the four years. They feel like there may be like a
Almost like a six seven year old friendship when you know the reality is it's only been a few years
So I think that's kind of where I see the difference between like the college and childhood friend groups
To your point gsu about high school friends requiring more upkeep I feel
Similarly in a sense and that I feel like a lot of my college friend groups
Keeping up with each other was kind of baked into that friend group to begin with because we were not necessarily spending all of our time together or were in the same classes
Part of those friend groups just had like we were kind of forced to always proactively
Plan time together throughout college even so it felt like past college
That just naturally was on like an internal timer in our inner friend group to find time with each other
Despite you know being involved in other things whereas for for high school that just was never like necessary
And so it was not until things had maybe like faded for some time that people realized like oh, we actually have to like hit each other up
Otherwise nothing's gonna happen. I think that's something that I feel like is nice to just carry over into all your friendships
And luckily, I think there's like people that are really good at doing that in my college friend groups that I'm very thankful for
I think everyone probably has
Planner friends are like I don't know type A friends who are just you know about
Getting to squat together. They are like good role models for friendships
That's a really good point the college friend group. You're like oh, it's been like two months like time to time to hit
Everyone up again and like get together
But then yeah, you're absolutely right like childhood friends
You just saw them every day so that wasn't like a skill you had to have
Yeah, I can totally relate to that sentiment too because I feel like
There have been moments where I
Come back from college back to my hometown and see all my hometown friends
And then even though not a ton of time has passed maybe because crystal what you said before of
College is a very condensed time of growth
I've had moments where I'm with all my best friends from high school and I'm like whoa
They don't know who I am all the change I've gone through the last three months or whatever and that's obviously very melodramatic
But it is true, you know developments happen really fast in college
I feel like but I think the interesting thing to that too is
Because college felt so condensed and high school kind of has that long-term legacy around it
I feel like post-college friendships for me have taken an entirely different meaning
We've talked about on this podcast before
How it feels a little harder to make new friends post-college something that I feel too is
I feel like the duration of how long you've known someone post-college
Feels a little bit less meaningful than how long you've known someone in high school or college. I don't know. What do you guys think?
Hmm can you give an example of the duration affecting like how you feel about like a friend?
I guess in this hypothetical situation
You made a new friend post-college maybe like a year or two post-grad
It's been a couple years since that so you've known this person for two years
But I feel like it's harder for me to get to a certain level of friendship in two years post-college
Versus knowing someone for just two years in college felt like it was a lot easier to like really get to know someone
Right. Gotcha. I will agree with that
Maybe part of it is there's less
Trauma bonding
I feel like there's a lot of like intense situations we go through in both high school and college
Like you know prepping for the SATs at least like in the Bay Area
It can get super competitive and like pretty stressful
We joke about that a lot our high school friends are like oh ha ha trauma bonding
But I think there's like you know, there's a bit of truth to that
And then I think similarly to college right there's a lot of like pressure to get
Internships in the summer
You know trying to get like the most prestigious things so you can set yourself up for post-college essentially and
You know once again that is you know, maybe a little bit of trauma bonding. I think you're spot on
I'm pretty sure pledging is just trauma bonding
They just coerce you into a terrible time for a semester or a quarter and you're just like okay
I guess I'm I'm close with these people now
But yeah, I think you're right. I think post-college
The things you do tend to just be more like lightweight
I don't know like let's go on like a picnic or like do something casual
And unless people just dump their trauma during these lightweight hangouts or like decidedly
You know open up bringing that kind of energy into into those kinds of hangouts or however you spend a time with people you meet post-college
It's hard to get to the same level of you know closeness or be comfortable
I don't know being more vulnerable etc. And so I think that's a good observation
Do we just need to make like adult pledging happen? Yeah
We like get around a table and pass around a bottle of wine or something or like all right
We have a list of intense questions. We can all ask each other
Instead of escape the room just like put them in a room
Something that I've been thinking about a lot lately too is
Maybe we just have less room in our lives
Less emptiness less foids
Because I feel like I've had hangouts post-college where I meet someone new it's not always one-on-one
But meet someone new have like an amazing conversation with them
I go home and I'm like holy shit. That was such a good conversation
If I was in high school or college maybe I feel like I would have
Message them and like really try to follow up on that and kind of try to extend that friendship longer and more meaningfully
But I feel like the next day now when I wake up
I'm just like okay. I have all this shit to do and I have to go to work
Like I just don't have as much emotional capacity
I blame part of it to to like professionalism in a sense like I feel like I have been trained to
Be on and then off and my off time is my off time and so
Maybe it's just harder to be like my true emotional vulnerable self-round others now too
despair
Do you think if you were to
build an ideal friendship now in your life versus you were to do that in high school or in college?
Do you think that prototype would be
similar like pretty consistent or do you think they would be wildly different from each other?
I think it would be
At least a little different based on like the environment
So in high school, I don't think I had much going on in my head at the time
So like friendships were just
You know to have a good time hang out and like chat here and there like hey, did you watch this movie?
How's the homework going? I need help on number six or whatever, right?
And then in college it starts being a little more different because
You get a taste of independence. So maybe it's like oh
Well, you want to like grab a meal together or like I want to do this thing
But I don't want to do it alone
So are you free and down to like explore this or like do that?
Post-college were even more independent. So these friendships require like a little bit more
In terms of like this person is down to like do these things with me and that one is down to do like those other things with me
So I think in that sense
Yeah, that's really tough. It feels weird. I'm just like trying to imagine you know building your own friend is
I'm sure there would be elements from you know people or good friends that I've had from
College or high school
It's I think one thing to just have everything come like out of the box as something
You like versus kind of like getting to know someone naturally and I feel like
When you know everything about somebody already like in this case for
This kind of prototype of a friend you have or your building
I probably changes the dynamic for like
How you end up being friends with that person like if it was this mirror image of a friend from before
But then I knew this person was gonna be XYZ. I think I'd be different friends with that person because
The process of you know getting to know them and all that is different. It's a very hypothetical question
It kind of ruins the the fun of making friends for me, but I'm not sure
Hmm
That's a really interesting contrast because I think when I think about my friendships with people
I feel like I don't intentionally seek it out this way
But when I look back it always
Matches like what I want to be in life or like what I want in that moment. So
Easy example. I was a very angsty teenager in high school
So I feel like my close friends at the time were of similar levels of angst and then in college
I
Was really like seeking out fun, you know people who are down to do stuff and I feel like a lot of the friends that I made in college
All had that similar energy and enthusiasm for what I wanted to do
And then post college. I feel like the types of people that I
I'm like kind of entering new friendships with or have made friendships with after graduation
tend to be like
Either kind of older than me or maybe has like a more mature mindset as me and
Are ambitious in their life in ways that I admire
So I think I'm not thinking like okay claw machine grab this kind of friend because I want this kind of thing in my life
But it somehow ends up being like that for me when I look back
That makes sense because I feel like I don't know if you guys experienced this like when you guys meet or are making friends with people post college
For the most part the first side of them you tend to experience is this more mature part and as that friendship develops
I think you learn about
Maybe what they were like in college for example or in high school and then you get a
Flavor of you know a more complete picture of how they developed and grew as a person
Sometimes I feel like that colors how you end up seeing them as a friend
For the most part, it's in a good way
What I don't I think necessarily pay as much attention to or realizes how friends you've made since college or high school
are now also much more mature because you
Are just used to that and have already all this context into how they were before and have just been slowly
Maybe like gradually watching them grow or change and you just don't consciously recognize that
And so that's something that I feel like I've noticed from time to time, you know, just like wait this friend actually has changed a lot since college
But I haven't really noticed until I took a step back
Damn, that's a really good point
Do is kind of like the thing where couples ask each other like hey if we met earlier would we date and it's like
I don't know yeah
Yeah, I think the timing of things changes a lot for yeah that matches what you said G-Sue how like
In a certain point in your life
Maybe unintentionally like you look for what you need and then if someone is just also at that point then like you tend to just match
I think it makes me think too
About to what extent are our friendships with long-standing old friends changing without us even knowing it like how much of that
Are we consciously changing and how much of that is just passing by with time like under the radar, you know damn you're gonna make me sad I
Mean changes and always bad. That's true. I think maybe like
Reaching this point in our life right now
what I've started to really
try to
improve on and work on is
Just like maintaining whatever friendships that I have and kind of like what I said earlier in that episode where it's like
You know a certain person
brings me joy
Then I will try to
Maintain that friendship. I think like something that I've started to
Pay slightly more attention to on that vein is if someone like brought me joy during a certain period of time
Then I will always give that friendship like another chance, you know, and then you know try to reach out see where it goes
But if the like hang out or the communication after that is like
You know, it's not the same then I think sometimes you have to accept that like that was a friendship
That was really good for the time that it lived in but now it's like it's okay to
Lose in that bond
Wow, you get one hang out with leeway with crystal
You get what and don't fuck it up. Don't fuck it up
Um, well at least one
I don't know when I started to have this
Perspective or mindset, but I feel like for most of my life, I feel like I felt it was just
Natural for people and your friends to change over time and for your friendships to grow or kind of fade
Naturally by you know changes in your own life in that way. I've always felt that
It's okay if you know
Something that you really
appreciated or liked in a certain friendship is maybe no longer the primary reason or thing that kind of defines whatever
Friendship or relationship you have with this person and I always felt
Maybe it's like just like my own a version to
letting things go or like very consciously casting something out
When I feel like there's other things that are also still valuable or important
In a friendship that I think are still meaningful and so it never feels like I'm actively
Letting anything fade even though I'm not doing a great job of making it not fade either
But yeah, I don't think I've ever been like oh that element or like that piece of our friendship is no longer there thus
This person is no longer like interesting or important to me
I guess kind of along the same veins well sort of the opposite veins. I think
My realization about friendship was
To learn that a friendship doesn't have to be
Extremely long-lasting or a permanent fixture in your life for it to
Have made a positive impact in your life and the other person's life
So I guess like crystal said it's about being able to appreciate what has happened
But not one trying to force something or
To like worrying too much about like oh is this friendship gonna fade or not and like I said earlier
I think there have been learnings in my life where I'm like oh, you know
friendship can fade and it can come back and that's fine. That's just how it is
It's not necessarily a parallel to like a breakup with your significant other where that one feels a little bit more permanent
Talking through all these things and our our friendships and different phases really made me reflect on
How much I appreciate each friendship and how different each friendship is and how all these wonderful people play
Different roles in my life
Yeah, well, thank you so much Jin for joining us this week on this
It's very thoughtful and reflective friendship episode
I think we really like to reflect on how friendship changes a lot especially at like these ages because
They're kind of like years of transition
So I'm glad we got to sit down and spend some time to really talk through
Our reflections and thoughts of friendships over the years
So for our listeners out there if you have any thoughts on
Friendships at different life stages feel free to reach out to us on social media
You can find us at eat your cross pod and we also have email
Eat your cross pod at gmail.com
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We upload new episodes every Wednesday morning. Thanks for listening and don't forget to eat your crust
