Welcome to the Overwhelmed Brain Podcast, helping you navigate the difficulties in your life and relationships.
These are my personal opinions.
Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and wellbeing.
Welcome to another show.
Glad you are here.
My name is Paul.
In case you missed it in the intro, I am actually coming back or already back from a two-week, I don't know, it's not a vacation.
It was something that we had to do.
My wife and I had to go to a service for my brother-in-law.
If you haven't heard the last two episodes, that's what I was doing.
And that's why the last two episodes had a lower quality of recording because I was recording off my laptop directly and not off the higher quality equipment that I'm on now.
But I'm back and everything went as well as it could.
And my sister is strong.
She's doing well.
For everything that's going on.
She's doing quite well.
And I think she's going to be okay.
And I'm happy about that.
Losing a partner, that's a very hard thing to go through.
And so my heart goes out to her and I'm constantly thinking about her.
And of course I miss my brother-in-law.
So to those who sent their condolences, I am very grateful.
Thank you so much.
And I am talking about relationships today.
I have two messages.
I may get to the second one.
I don't know.
Not very good at determining how much time I'm going to use.
Somebody wrote to me and said, I'm starting to feel like my wife is embarrassed to be seen with me.
We've been married a certain number of years and I've been there for her through thick and thin and I've been committed to the wedding vows.
But she told me about something she was invited to recently.
And she had gone to another event and told me about it afterward.
And so she's being invited to these.
This is me talking now.
She's being invited to these events.
And she's preferring to go on her own.
They're family functions.
And before, this is him now, before I could say anything that I'd like to go, she says, oh, but you don't have to go.
As long as I go, one of us will be there.
So that's fine.
The problem is that one of us is usually her and her alone.
There's been instances when I want to make time on my days off to spend time with her and she'll make up an excuse not to give me that time.
And she spends time with other people or she's too tired or she's had a long day or a long week.
And we work different shifts so we barely ever see each other now.
So there is a problem in the relationship.
It's interesting that you wrote this because this is one of those challenges in a relationship that unless it's communicated clearly, will just continue.
In fact,
I remember being in a similar situation in a relationship I had a long time ago where we weren't communicating what each other wanted.
I didn't communicate what I wanted and she didn't communicate what she wanted.
And we silently hoped that the other person would eventually get it.
I silently hoped that she would understand what my needs were and she would meet those and I think she did the same thing or she silently hoped that I would change my behaviors
Without telling me that she wanted me to change my behaviors
And so it went on and on for two years at the end of our relationship two years the relationship flattened it died and uh we became quite i guess analytical with each other
We did not have any emotional connection anymore
It was
It was very robotic, as I called it back then.
And that was basically the end of the relationship.
If there was communication before all that happened, there might have been change or maybe not.
Maybe the relationship was going to end.
I mean, I was a different person back then and I...
Certainly did not have behaviors that I respect today.
And I was just not, I was very judgmental back then.
And I also hid my angry side.
So when I got angry, I would stuff it and then I would become passive aggressive.
So now, you know,
Some of the stuff that was happening then.
I was also committed to the relationship, but I had behaviors that were not conducive to a healthy, long lasting, strengthening bond that you're supposed to have in relationships.
So I learned a lot back then, but this is what I'm talking about is that if there were
Times that we could communicate to each other and say, hey, you know, when you do this, it makes me feel bad.
Or, hey, I noticed this and I would like to talk about that with you.
Can we talk about it?
The key is not letting the other person say, everything's fine.
Everything is perfectly fine.
I'm happy and it's all you and you just see things that aren't there and there's nothing wrong.
When there's something wrong with one person, meaning they sense something is wrong, they sense something is off, they sense an emotional disconnect.
When there's something wrong with one person, there's something wrong with the relationship, period.
So when you have relationship issues,
It starts somewhere.
It either starts with one person or both.
But when one person has a problem, they both do.
That's the commitment you make in a relationship is that you are there for each other and for the relationship.
I consider them three separate entities.
There's me, you and us.
So if you are there for someone and they have a problem, you don't just say,
That's your problem.
Not a big deal for me.
If you have a problem with it, you deal with it.
And I'll be over here living life, living the high life, living happily ever after while you are trying to figure out your problems.
Because
Why?
Because love means wanting somebody else to be happy.
It means supporting their happiness.
It means supporting their path, the decisions they make to be happy.
And if you aren't seeing happiness, then how are you loving them?
That might be the question to ask.
Meaning, if they aren't happy, then what can you do to help?
If you're not happy, I want to find out why and see if we can work this unhappiness problem out.
Because I don't want you to be unhappy, I would say to my partner.
I don't want you to be happy and they don't want me to be unhappy, so let's work this out.
But this person who wrote, his wife is suddenly wanting to do things separately from him.
Why?
That's the question.
I noticed that you want to do things without me.
Is there a particular reason?
Are you unhappy with me?
I mean, this is where the difficult questions are important to ask.
You need to have these hard conversations.
Something like, I feel disconnected from you.
And when there are things that come up that we can do as a couple and you don't want to do it with me, I feel like you don't want to be with me.
What's going on?
If the partner says, what do you mean?
I'm fine.
There's nothing wrong.
I'm okay.
Instead of addressing the connection issues,
Because if my wife said that to me, she says, I notice you do this all the time.
You go alone.
Like you don't want to invite me.
And I feel alone and I'm sad because you don't want to spend time with me.
At least it feels like.
The first thing I would say is, oh my God, I had no idea you feel that way.
I'm so sorry.
Of course I want you to be with me.
That's a pretty healthy relationship answer, if you ask me.
And if she said, well, I feel alone and you go alone, I would think that I would tell myself, what's your problem, Paul?
Or I would ask myself, what's your problem, Paul?
Why aren't you asking her to go with you?
Do you really want to be without her?
And so I would say, of course not.
I don't want to be without her.
You're my wife.
I want to be with you.
Who is the partner in your life?
Are they your best friend?
Because if they're not, then maybe there's a problem there.
I like to see a romantic partner as a best friend.
I want to spend all the time with you I can.
It doesn't mean you are constantly in each other's space and constantly checking in on each other.
It just means you really enjoy spending time with that person.
And so if that spending time together part isn't there anymore, it isn't enticing for one person, it's a problem for both.
And so in this person's case, yeah, you need to have the hard conversation.
I'm sorry to say if that's hard for you, but it is something that if you don't resolve it will only lead to more disconnect.
Now, I do have a fear that the disconnect is already there.
I do have a fear that your wife has either or is either falling out of love or has fallen out of love with you.
That's my fear.
Doesn't mean it's true.
But...
Usually when you get to this point where somebody doesn't want to be with the other person, something is going on.
That's not just, oh, she wants to be alone for a while or, oh, they want to spend all their time doing something else because they love it so much.
But I get no time with them because a relationship is an investment in each other's time as well.
Again, it's not a smothering, hovering, I want to be with you 24-7 kind of relationship.
It could be very toxic if it was that way.
It's more of a, I really enjoy spending time with you.
Oh, you're going to the store.
That sounds like fun.
I want to go with you.
It doesn't have to be that way.
It is for me.
I have a fear of missing out.
If she goes somewhere where I'm not going with her, unless it's a plant sale, then she can go by herself.
But i enjoy spending my time with her you know i have time if you have the time to spend with them because sometimes we don't see each other and it's nice to be with each other
If you see each other all day like we do because we both work from home, it might be different.
So maybe that's another scenario that could be talked about.
In this person's case, he works a different shift.
So he's gone while she's home and she's gone while he's home or he's sleeping while she's awake
Very difficult but also more of a problem because if you are doing your own thing because they're not around and the other person's doing their own thing because you're not around
And you don't make the time to be with each other during those small windows of opportunity, something else is definitely wrong.
That might be the question this person needs to ask.
What's wrong?
What's going on?
The little time we have together, you don't even want to spend with me.
And that makes me sad.
And I would like to spend more time with you because I miss you.
What's going on?
And everything's fine is not an answer.
And nothing's wrong is not an answer.
Because when they say, if she said, nothing's wrong, it's fine, I'm just busy, or I just want to spend time with my friends, or whatever, if that is the answer, then that's an avoidance of the question.
It's an avoidance of the topic of the romantic connection that you're supposed to nurture.
If you're avoiding the topic or if she's avoiding the topic in this case, then what I see is I don't want to talk about it because it's too hard and it will hurt.
So this is my fear, this is my feeling, is that there's something that happened, some shift in the relationship that has occurred, that she is now going down a different path, a different set of feelings, different set of thoughts.
That she is straying away from the connection that she has with you.
And if that's the case, no matter what, you have a conversation.
Even if that's not the case, no matter what, you have a conversation and you bring up the hard stuff.
The hard question that I asked my first long-term girlfriend is, are you still in love with me?
That's a very important question.
I'm not saying you say that right off.
You don't just bring that question up.
You might just say, I noticed that we're not spending any time together.
It makes me unhappy.
I'm kind of alone in the relationship or I feel lonely.
Probably best to say that.
I feel lonely.
I feel, you know, I miss you.
I miss you and I want to spend more time with you.
And hopefully she says, oh my God, you're right.
You know, let's talk about this.
Let's figure this out because I don't want you to feel lonely because I love you and I want you to be happy.
So let's work on this.
But instead, if she says, okay, fine, I'll stay home tomorrow.
What do you want to do?
You can tell there's a little passive aggressiveness in there because, okay, now I'm home.
So what?
What do you want to talk about?
What is it?
It's very, I don't want to say defensive.
But someone who really cares about you and the relationship will want to work things out.
Will say, oh my God, you're right.
Let's talk about this.
Let's work on this.
Let's figure this out.
Instead of saying, fine, I'll take the day off and we can do something that you want to do.
That's not very caring.
That's not very loving.
It doesn't feel loving.
And when it doesn't feel loving, there's something else going on.
And that's what we want to find out.
That's the heart of the matter.
What's going on?
You've been absent all these times and you want to go out by yourself.
I know something is going on.
You know, what is in your heart?
What are you thinking?
Just tell me the truth.
That's something that you can say to someone that you love.
Just be honest with me.
You know, if it hurts, it hurts.
We'll deal with it.
We'll figure it out.
If it's, you know, if it's worse than that, if we can't figure it out, then we still need to talk about it.
Let's talk about it.
So this really does come down to you bringing up the hard subjects and trying to have a conversation.
Trying to get a truth on the table that hasn't been spoken.
Because something needs to be said.
The truth needs to be put on the table.
It just hasn't been yet.
I wish you the best with that.
Thank you for sharing that.
Good luck.
So what does all of this teach us?
It teaches us, in my opinion, you may have a different opinion, but it teaches us that unless we're more transparent, more honest, and we're willing to take the risk at the cost of the relationship to get the truth,
That will resolve a lot of issues.
It will bring closure to a lot of issues.
There are some issues that will not have closure, that will feel open indefinitely.
But why be in a place of not knowing for that long?
For any amount of time, honestly, but...
If my wife always did these things that this person was talking about, always wanted to be by herself, if it feels lonely, if it feels sad to me, then something's missing and she should sense that I'm sad.
That sounds like she should read my mind, but it's going to show up.
My sadness is going to show up.
Not because I'm going to give her the big puppy dog eyes when she walks out the door and goes with her friends.
It's not like that at all.
I don't want to be clingy.
I don't want to be possessive.
I just want her to enjoy herself.
But if she does it a lot
I have to look at the balance of time that we have together versus the time that she wants to be by herself.
And if I feel it's not balanced, then
Her and I have a right to say the relationship is not balanced.
So she feels like the relationship's not balanced because I'm not giving her enough of my quality time with her, our quality time together.
I mean, then she has every right to say, I don't feel like we have enough time together.
She has said this.
She has said those words, and so many words, but she has said something like that in our relationship at least maybe two or three times.
Because we will get caught up in our own stuff, and we will get to the point where something else is going on in our lives, and that becomes somewhat of a priority, even though we both prioritize each other.
It still can happen.
The time can be spent on other things, and when they are,
It's important to talk about them.
And she has become really good at talking about the things that bother her.
And that happens because I give her the space to do that.
And it's vice versa.
When I say things like I'm doing this for her, she does the same thing for me.
We give each other a safe, non-judgmental space to speak our minds, to put the truth on the table, to speak our hearts, to let the other person know what's missing in our life.
So if something's missing in my life, I'm going to talk about it.
I'm going to tell her.
I just told her on this trip that we took.
Hey, you know, I feel like when you're on your phone during these trips between these places that we're going, I feel disconnected from you.
And I don't really have a problem with her being on her phone.
But it felt like she was doing it more often than not.
So she put the phone down and we had a good conversation about it.
And we connected from that point on.
Believe me, I've done this too to her.
She has mentioned it to me as well.
You're on your phone all the time.
And so I put the phone down and I realized... Actually, it's funny.
She said that I was on the phone a lot before and I don't remember doing that.
I don't remember...
My phone taking a priority ever, but she has felt it.
And so I take that seriously.
I don't say, no, you're wrong and stop paying attention to what I'm doing and mind your own business.
I don't say that at all because why?
What I said before, I want her to be happy.
If she feels neglected, that's not happy.
That's unhappy.
Someone who feels neglected in a romantic relationship, that's not a happy relationship.
And so I said, okay, I'm going to put my phone down because I don't need to be on it 24-7.
None of us do.
Well, unless you are working on a cure for cancer.
I don't know.
None of us need to be on the phone for that long.
We didn't have phones in the past.
What did we do then?
We actually did other things than stare at a phone.
And that was helpful for her to tell me that, even though I didn't get it.
I didn't see it at first.
I still don't remember being on the phone all these times that she says I was, but I guarantee you I'm not now.
When we're at the restaurant, my phone goes down.
If I have to check it, if I hear somebody messaging me, I'll check it really quick and come back.
Or I'll even say, hey, would you mind if I take this really quick?
Would you mind if I took care of this?
Would you mind if I answered this question that somebody's reaching out to me for?
But what I've learned is that our phones make everything seem like it has to happen now.
Our phones do this.
Oh, I have to answer this text now.
Our phones have made us slaves to the technology and we're constantly checking them.
And so, I don't know why I said that.
The point is that she had to have that hard conversation with me.
I feel alone, I feel sad, I feel disconnected when you're on your phone all the time.
And even though I couldn't relate to what she was saying, like I didn't know I was on my phone all the time, but if she feels that way, there's a problem.
I'm going to make it my problem.
It's my problem, so I need to fix it.
Fixing it means putting my phone down.
Nothing is more important than the person in front of me right now.
Having a whole episode on phones is probably a good idea.
What are mobile phones, which are basically tiny computers that we carry around everywhere we go.
And we're in constant communication and constantly doing everything on our phones all the time, at least most of us, that is probably an idea for an episode, an entire episode by itself.
But since we're here and we're not really talking about phones today, we're just talking about the priorities in relationships and what matters most,
I think that's a good subject for another day.
I have talked about this before.
I think the episode is called Put Your Phone Down and Pay Attention to Me.
I did an episode on that a while back, a few years back.
So you can find that at theoverwhelmedbrain.com.
Anyway, I'm glad you joined me.
I'm glad that we were able to talk about this subject matter.
It's right in alignment with something that I'm just starting to put together that may or may not interest you.
It depends on how well you get along with a partner if you are in a relationship.
If you're not, what I'm about to say is probably not for you.
But I am working on a program.
I'm gathering interest for a program that I'm putting together for couples who just can't seem to get their relationship on track.
I'm looking for about 20 couples to work with right now, just to start, who know their relationship needs help in some way.
It doesn't have to be emotionally abusive or you're having daily screaming matches, but those are welcome too.
It's for couples who want the relationship to work
And they know it can work, but they keep running into problems.
Whether it's communication issues, disagreements, unresolved challenges, or anything that you're dealing with that keeps the relationship from experiencing
Uh warmth and intimacy
You know what i'm talking about
I'll have more details soon
It's uh not free because i do have to put time and energy into it so there is some investment but it's also not expensive
So if you want to know more and you want to get in on the ground floor price
Send an email to this email address, workingonusatmoretob.com.
That's working on us, those three words, at moretob.com.
I have more details about this coming soon.
And once I get those 20 couples, I'm going to close the door until I get all the wrinkles ironed out.
But again, just write to me at that email address and I'll give you some more details.
So now I'm going to say thank you for listening to another episode of The Overwhelmed Brain.
I appreciate you.
Thank you for tuning in.
And if you've been listening for a while and you heard those last two episodes with the much less quality of sound and you came back, I am grateful that you're here.
And if you are tuning in for the first time, I have 13 years of episodes that you can listen to about just about anything you have experienced in your life.
So check it out at theoverwhelmedbrain.com and you'll find a lot of episodes that...
I talk about just about anything.
So I don't want to forget the patrons this week.
These are the people that give to the show.
They donate financially, typically monthly.
One person does it yearly, and I can only mention him once a year, but I will mention him now, Zach.
Thank you for your yearly donation.
Those who donated this month are Debra, Tammy, Sandra, Christy, and Anna.
I see your names a lot.
I am so grateful for you.
Thank you for helping to support the show and keep the show going, keep the lights on.
And I am very grateful.
Thank you for your time and for your energy and for your financial support.
If you value the show like these patrons do and you want to give back, head over to moretob.com and there are options to do that over there.
If you are experiencing a difficult relationship, I do have a podcast called Love and Abuse over at loveandabuse.com.
That is the show that helps you understand what emotionally abusive behavior and control and manipulation look like.
And so I always offer that free option for those who can't afford couples therapy, can't afford anything because they're on a shoestring budget or whatever.
That free option has been around since 2019.
Again, over at loveandabuse.com.
And if you know you're the difficult one in the relationship, join the program that is helping a lot of people heal over at healedbeing.com.
And that's where I help emotionally abusive people change and heal so that they become better partners and better people in life in general.
And with that, always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions.
And be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
Always take steps to grow and evolve.
You are powerful beyond measure.
And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you.
You are amazing.
